Sunday, October 31, 2010

Kaelah's Corner (Oct 2010):
Both Sides Of The Story

(69 for spankos, not as easy as it looks)

I already said a few words about switching in my recent post I Don't Need No Education. But I think it is such an interesting topic that it deserves its own piece of writing. Especially because it plays quite an important role for me, since I made my first experiences with switching only two months ago when I topped Ludwig together with the wonderful Leia-Ann Woods.

I was interested in topping much earlier, but I didn't feel self-confident enough until now. In my spanking fantasies and play my favourite position differs depending on whether the scenario is a sexual or a non-sexual one. As I already mentioned earlier, my non-sexual caring guidance fantasies are usually M/m and I am just an observer taking the points of view of both, the tops and the bottoms. And in that little heroine universe I had developed before I met Ludwig, my role had changed over time. When I was younger, I saw myself as a student, guided by more experienced and wise teachers. The older I got the more my fantasy character changed from a student to an experienced woman and a teacher for others. Or, in other words, my character developed from a bottom to a top. As I explained in one of my first posts, Abenteuerland, I gave up my little heroine universe when I met Ludwig because it didn't fit into my life any more. In my sexual spanking play with Ludwig, however, I sought a more and more dominant behaviour from him the more comfortable I got with our sex life. In my recent post Egoist?! I already described what's behind that longing and why it doesn't go along with a really submissive mindset on my behalf.

So, there is a significant difference here between my sexual and my non-sexual play. In my sexual play, which means my private play with Ludwig, I am sure that I will definitely remain 95 per cent bottom. In my sexual play I haven't got a big desire to switch. Maybe on very special occasions it could be attractive as well. Sometimes I get in a quite dominant mood during our sexual play, but I never spanked Ludwig on such an occasion so far. And since he doesn't have a very strong desire to switch more often than just once or twice per year, this is most probably not going to change any time soon.

In my non-sexual play, however, I would consider myself to be a top as well as a bottom, being equally interested in both positions. This especially affects the roles I would like to play on camera, since this is where I usually live out my non-sexual fantasies. But Ludwig and I also thought about playing out some non-sexual F/M scenes in private, despite of Ludwig's current lack of interest in switching too often. To me it seems that this could be a great counterpart for our sexual role play and Ludwig pointed out that it could also give us the chance to integrate some real life events into our play. Maybe I could even get rid of some of my aggressions that way. This is not what I used the spanking for in my first play as a top, but in the long run it might be possible. But even if that should never work out, there are definitely other things I can get out of topping. I'll write about my feelings during my first experience as a top in the next edition of Kaelah's Corner. All I can say in short is that I definitely felt very comfortable with topping Ludwig! Concerning the future development our idea is that Ludwig is going to train me as a top. Who knows, maybe we'll also do a scene as co-tops one day (and maybe a scene co-bottoming as well)?! I would definitely love to do that. Wherever that leads us to, of course we're going to write about our experiences here on the blog.

Today I would like to focus on the question what it means to me in general that Ludwig and I are switching. Ludwig plans to write a post on his first steps into the world of spanking and why he started his exploration on the bottom side despite knowing that his real desire was to top others. So, you'll be able to read his point of view soon. For me it was always very important to know that Ludwig had switched before. It made me feel extremely safe when we played together for the first time, to know that Ludwig had experienced how a spanking feels like. As I wrote in my comment on Poppy's post “From Top To Bottom” which I already quoted once on this blog before: I’m very much into heroine scenarios and the fact that Ludwig had taken even harder spankings than the ones he dishes out made me feel like he was very experienced, safe to play with and that he had the “right” to dish out spankings like that because he knew what it meant.

Interestingly, Ludwig and I have many similar preferences and limits when topping or bottoming. Of course there are differences, too, but many basic aspects are the same. In my trilogy I Don't Need No Education, Love, Peace and Happiness and Egoist?!, I analysed my preferences as a bottom and the motives behind them in detail. Like me, Ludwig only wants to get topped by tops who have experienced the bottom side as well. I think he is even stricter concerning that topic, since he only switches very rarely and usually only for more severe scenes. And as a bottom, a role he usually only plays in front of a camera, Ludwig also needs a higher degree of control of the scene, camera angles and so on than he does when starring as a top. Like me, he is topping from the bottom in these situations. And he doesn't want to be humiliated in the sense that his dignity is taken away from him. Pushing him is of course okay, teasing and making a bit of fun of him is fine as well - I think more than it is for me, actually. And I also guess that Ludwig would be more open to darker scenarios not only as a top but as a bottom as well. Whereas I am a bit more open concerning possible reactions, at least in our private play, where crying for stress relief is okay for me. I don't think that crying during a spanking would be acceptable under any circumstance for Ludwig, not even in our most intimate and private play. Furthermore, I can imagine playing with a female top as well, even though my fantasies usually don't contain any F/F scenes, while Ludwig doesn't want to play with a male top at all.

As tops, we both enjoy restrained reactions from a bottom. And we both like the idea of leading a bottom to his or her personal limit without wanting to break him or her. It's a mixture of wanting to provoke reactions on the one hand and wanting the bottom to win the battle on the other hand. To my mind, however, Ludwig is more comfortable with stronger reactions. Even though, as he once wrote, very vocal reactions seem to irritate him, he can deal much better with the hysterical crying and the screaming of some of the girls in the more severe spanking films. I usually freak out completely or become at least very sad when I have to watch a scene like that. I think I might be a bit more comfortable with loud vocal reactions from male bottoms, but as soon as they start shaking and sobbing that's not my cup of tea, either.

The only situation in which crying would be absolutely fine with me would be an intimate spanking between me as a top and Ludwig as a bottom in which he could release his stress. On the contrary, in that special scenario I would consider the crying to be symbol for an extremely high amount of trust on Ludwig's behalf. But it seems like that won't ever happen because, as I already mentioned, crying doesn't hold any appeal for Ludwig, not even in a stress relief scenario (I don't think Ludwig is interested in any stress relief spankings at all). And again, I can also imagine playing a scene with a female bottom, while topping a man wouldn't be Ludwig's cup of tea.

So, as you can see, Ludwig and I have many similar basic preferences in our play as bottom and top, despite of some slight differences concerning our limits and of course partially very different motives for playing on the one side or the other. That's why it is such a great experience for me to switch roles and to play as a bottom as well as a top. It's fantastic to be able to exchange thoughts on experiences in both positions with my mate. And I think that his experiences as a switch allow Ludwig to understand my mindset, desires and limits as a bottom much better than he could without having played as a bottom himself. At the same time my first experience as a top helped me to relate to a mindset Ludwig described in his behind the scenes report after his shoot with Mood Pictures. Which mindset I'm talking about will be the topic of the next edition of Kaelah's Corner.

For now I would like to leave you with the question about your experiences with switching or maybe not wanting to switch at all. Are you a 100 per cent top or bottom? Have you experienced both sides? Was there a path of development? And what about those who live in a spanking relationship – is switching an option for you and your partner? Feel free to write down your thoughts in the comment section!


Ursus Lewis said...

This is a quite interesting topic once more! I would describe me as a toppish switch. That means I have fantasies both as top and bottom, but my top fantasies dominate clearly.

When I did my first steps into the spanking universe I bottomed though. I did it for two reasons. First I wanted to know how a spanking feels like before I cause pain to others and second because my top personality was not enough developed.

I was very lucky I could explore the scene within a local spanking group. It was very easy to have bottom plays only in the beginning and then as I got more and more confident slowly start to have plays as top.

Now the ratio between top and bottom play is maybe 6:1 or so and I think that fits about the ratio of my fantasies. There are females I have both top and bottom plays with. For me it is not so important if I can top a girl only or if she wants to top me too or even if she only wants to top me. Important is the chemistry between the play partner and me.

That's why I take step after step and see how relationships develop. As long both can get something out of it and you communicate about needs and limits almost everything can happen

simon said...

as you know i like to be a top but i do switch sometimes when my girlfriend dose not feel very well like when shes on her period sorry to have to say simon.


I just found time to read your story in the last two posts, so I would like to say how much I liked that first.

To answer your question, I would consider myself 100% bottom who is prepared to switch, when required to do so. My preference for being on the receiving end reflects that I am mostly interested in endorphins the high and the general feeling of emotional balance that spanking brings to my life, spanking just is not sexual for me. I have always been happy to switch but it brings me no "buzz" and has only been beneficial when it aided in socializing with other spankos and helped to understand the difficulties that a top faces when playing. I would find it hard to ask anyone to do what I was not willing to do myself but I will always be 100% bottom.


Michael said...

Very insightful and thought provoking, Kaelah. I am a Top and have never switched. In my relationship with my fiancee, Season, who is strictly a bottom, I do not see us ever switching because we are not only happy in how things are now, but it brings us a high level of comfort and security as opposed to being comfortable and safe. A fine distinction but a very important one. We both give and receive in our current situation which provides a caring, loving environment where we are each secure in expressing out deepest and most secret desires. I would never want to change that warm feeling, and changing the relationship's dynamic may do that. Although, that being said one never knows what the future may bring. Never say never.

Unknown said...

I'm about half and half, varying a bit depending on mood and who the other individual is. When I'm in a bouncy manic type mood I also go quite sadistic and dominant and sometimes in a flatter mood I crave the intense physical stimulation of bottoming. Well, less 'of bottoming' and more any beatings one gets while doing so; the emotional and psychological aspects of both appeal along different channels and everything doesn't always line up. Which means I can actually switch mid-scene should the situation be right (like struggling while tied down and beaten turning into 'she got loose and is coming for me ahh!').

I started with an interest in both, maybe slightly more to the subby side. I'll still tend to veer that way a bit at first because my major problem with topping is bouts of 'um, what now?'. Inspiration deserts me at the worst moments and if I stumble I lose the confidence needed. In that respect switching is also good because you can shamelessly steal stuff and have a good idea what the effects are.

There is also the confidence both ways of knowing what something feels like. I know I can give a heavier belting than I can take, but I also know the person I was belting knew from experience what she wanted and could tell me so. Even if me getting all worried from the marks on her back the first time I gave one was a little stunned at being told 'that was only a moderate one' and having harder requested next time.

(Do many tops freak and think they've done more damage than they actually have? Or have done so in the past?)

Pandora Blake said...

Absolutely fascinating topic and insights. I'm not very switchy - I'm a bit sadistic, but not very toppy. So while I quite like inflicting pain, it's very much in the mode of a "service top" or the accomplice of someone who is also topping me, and it hasn't happened very often. Although I do frequently get the urge to spank my Dom/mes, because they all have such nice bottoms! I'm not sure I'd get away with it though :)

Ursus Lewis said...

lol Pandora! I absolutely get the urge to spank as soon I see a nice female bottom, I totally understand. Go for it! But I guess you're right, you most likely wouldn't get away with it...

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus:

I guess that your and Ludwig's first steps into the world of spanking were quite similar. There might be a difference concerning the mixture between top and bottom, though. In Ludwig's case I have the theory that he hasn't got a real bottom side at all. That means, even when he switches, he looks at himself from the outside and stays in a toppish mindset (what he calls auto-aggressive sadism). From your description it seems to me that you really have a bottom side as well (and really change your perspective when playing as a bottom), even if your top side is much stronger. Or do you also stay in a toppish mindset when switching?

So, this “getting the urge to spank when seeing a nice bottom” automatism seems to be very common among kinksters, right? ;-)

@ Simon:

Does your girlfriend read this blog and your comments? Because if I were your girlfriend and read this comment you would really be in trouble the next time I had my menstruation! ;-) But maybe your girlfriend is much nicer than I am... :-)

@ Prefectdt:

I'm glad you liked the story! It's very fascinating to read about the point of view of a 100 per cent bottom who switches only for the benefit of others. You wrote that spanking is not sexual for you. Does that mean that you never connected spanking to any other forms of sexual play? Do you use spanking exclusively for stress relief and the rush of endorphins? And what mindset are you in when you are switching? Since you wrote that you don't get anything out of topping, I assume that you are not really in a “toppish” mood, enjoying leading the bottom or inflicting pain. Are you completely focussed on the bottom's needs instead?

@ Michael:

It's always great to read about the different kinds of relationships and spanking play people have! And it's good to see that the different kinds of relationships and different forms of play can all work very well for the people involved, as long as they are based on respect and care (and of course love in case of a love relationship). Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the topic!

I guess there are many couples who have a similar relationship as Season and you have and who aren't interested in switching at all. My theory is that couples who have a top – bottom power exchange relationship in their every day life are less likely to switch than couples who only play for fun and sexual pleasure like Ludwig and I do. I don't know whether this makes sense from your experiences as well?

Kaelah said...

@ Morgrim:

I think you belong to a rather rare species, there don't seem to be many spankos whose top and bottom side are equally strong. Or have you met many people who have a similar mixture of preferences?

I can definitely relate to your fear of not knowing what to do next when topping. That's why I was very happy that I had a given storyline when I topped Ludwig for the first time. Since Ludwig and I are both Js (INFJ and INTJ), spontaneously changing sides during a scene is of course out of question. Everything has to be orderly and well-planned, you know?! ;-)

As for the fear of having caused too much damage – that was something I was afraid of before my first play as a top. I knew that Ludwig prefers to play rather severe when he switches and I wanted to make a proper first impression. But at the same time I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to swing that flogger as hard as I wanted, suddenly becoming scared of the marks I might produce. Luckily, my fear didn't come true. But maybe that had to do with the special circumstance that I couldn't really see the marks from my position during the spanking (of course I saw whether the strokes were on target and I saw Ludwig's reactions, but since we were two tops I couldn't get a clear view of the marks from my position). I have to admit that I was a bit stunned when I saw the results afterwards, but not really in a negative way, since the marks were on spot and since I knew that Ludwig wanted it that hard and that he was absolutely fine.

@ Pandora:

I can so relate to your wish to spank your dommes, I always have the same thought every time I see Ludwig's bottom! :-) Of course I'm usually not allowed to spank him, either, so I guess I must use and enjoy the rare opportunities I get. I don't think you would get away with spanking your dommes, but then again, couldn't that be an additional incentive to have a try? ;-)

simon said...

yes kaelah my girlfriend has seen this blog but she has not seen my last comment yet if she dose not like what i put i will get her to give me a good spank for simon.

Kaelah said...

@ Simon:
I'm curious to hear about your girlfriend's reaction! :-) Well, as I said, maybe she is much nicer than I am and doesn't take your comment so seriously... ;-)

Unknown said...


I sort of have a long distance thing with my girlfriend and we do a lot of collaborative writing, and it is interesting to compare and contrast that to that to how things are in person. When doing fiction characters she usually takes the top side, but my mindset is often equally sadistic (well, a distinct mixture of sadism and masochism, I enjoy tormenting my characters). I can and have certainly written the other side, I just don't do it as often.

In person, she bottoms for males and switches for females, preferring to bottom. So play distinctly leans that way.

Whereas when I've played with a certain other person I've never and don't think I would ever bottom for them, it just doesn't seem to... fit? I'm not sure how to explain it, it just doesn't seem the right dynamic, if I'm making the slightest bit of sense.

I suppose if I got the chance to play more in person things could be slightly different, but I honestly doubt it. I'm fairly sure I'd still be a very firm switch. I just don't get the chance to since Australia is a long way from anywhere so the people I know tend to be on the other side of the world. (I want Christmas to come, I get to go to Germany and see friends. What's it like there that time of year?) So writing collaborative 'spanking' stories is my major outlet. More whipping and clawing than spanking, caning is about the only bottom focused act that deeply appeals to me, although I can certainly appreciate spanking.

I'm fairly sure I had a point in there somewhere and shall stop rambling now.

Ursus Lewis said...

Yes, Kaelah. I have a bottom mindset. It's not so easy to get there though. I suffer sometimes not being able to get in the right mindset (also in the top mindset), it seems like I need to learn and develop techniques to do so.

I also share the fear to hurt the bottoms too much. This was also a reason, why I wanted to discover my bottom side first.

simon said...

kaelah my girlfriend was fine about the comment but i will not be making any more comments about her from now on also she is nicer and you are just as i have got a sore bum this simon.

Kaelah said...

@ Morgrim:

I think concerning stories and writing I'm wired quite similarly as you are! I use to take the points of view of both, tops and bottoms, when reading or writing a story. Maybe sometimes the one or other perspective is the dominant one, but both are always there. And it also makes sense to me that with certain play partners only topping or bottoming feels right, depending on the partner's preferences and the power dynamics between the two of you.

So, you're going to be in Germany over Christmas? Hmm, I hope you'll arrive some days before Christmas and get the chance to visit one of our beautiful Christmas markets. The weather here in Germany on Christmas depends very much on the region (and luck). It can be quite cold and you might have a lot of snow, but it could also be that it isn't that cold at all and that there's just rain instead of snow... Well, but there's no such thing as bad weather, there's only the wrong choice of clothes, right? So, however the weather may be, I wish you a beautiful time with your friends here in Germany!

@ Ursus:

So my assumption concerning your bottom mindset was correct. I think it is always difficult to get in the right mindset, when topping as well as when bottoming. At least this is true for me. There might be techniques to minimize that problem, but I think the current mood before and during a scene will always play a certain role and one will never be able to get into a top or bottom mindset anytime and under any circumstances.

My experiences as a bottom gave me a lot of self-confidence for my first experience as a top, too. Especially since I knew that I had received more severe spankings from Ludwig than the one I was dishing out to him. ;-)

@ Simon:

I'm glad to hear that your girlfriend was fine about the comment! And of course I never expected her to be seriously insulted, but I thought that maybe she wouldn't want to miss out on that great opportunity to give you a spanking. Please send her my regards. And of course she is always very welcome to make her own comments here on this blog! :-)

Indy said...

As usual, at least these days, I'm late to comment! I really enjoyed this post, particularly these lines:

"And we both like the idea of leading a bottom to his or her personal limit without wanting to break him or her. It's a mixture of wanting to provoke reactions on the one hand and wanting the bottom to win the battle on the other hand."

I really like that description of the way I like to play, either as a top or as a bottom. As hot as it is to be whacked immediately for an offense--say, being cheeky-- I really prefer to think of myself as "deserving it" only within the context of the rules of the game. The idea of losing a battle by being beaten into submission is fundamentally unattractive to me.

Kaelah said...

@ Indy:
I'm glad you enjoyed this post! While our role play scenarios often might be quite different, I think we are wired rather similarly concerning our preferred reactions and our limits! Being beaten into submission doesn't hold any appeal for me as well, except maybe in an explicitly sexual master-slave scenario. But even in this scenario I think it is only the fantasy that is hot. I'm not really sure whether I would love to play out this scene for real, and even if then I guess I would rather give in voluntarily and not because the whacking is so hard that I really can't take it.