Monday, December 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2018):
Positive Pain

This is the last and final part of my post about the most important change in Ludwig's and my life. In my first three posts New Horizons, Anticipation and Preparation and Crossing the Line, I told you about a very special and painful event we have gone through. Some of you already mused that it wasn't really a kinky experience I was talking about, and of course they were right. The event I described was my first delivery experience. As I revealed in my second LOL Day post, Ludwig and I already are proud parents of two little ones now, which has changed our lives forever.

As Spearthrower said, in a way my first three posts could be seen as a prank because I implied that I might be writing about a kinky experience, which I was not. Of course, I enjoyed heightening the suspense a bit by not telling you the good news right away. But there is more to it than that. In fact, the whole experience for me had quite some parallels to my kinky adventures, and it also told me some things about how my kink works and where my limits are. And this is what today's post will be about.

When talking about parallels between erotic spanking and giving birth, the first thing that of course comes to mind is the pain involved. There is more to it than that, though. It's not just about pain, it's that these are two of the very few occasions that come to my mind on which someone deliberately chooses to go through a painful event because the outcome, and partly also the experience itself, seem to be worth the pain!

And there have been even more parallels. When I prepared myself for the big event, I used many things that are important to me ahead of kinky experiences as well. I took the time to think about what would be important for me to make this a good experience, about possible pitfalls and about my limits. I chose an environment and people for the big day based on a positive gut feeling. I talked openly to the nurses and to Ludwig about my wishes and limits for the birth experience. I read reports from others and learned as much as possible about the process in general. But I was also aware that things don't always turn out the way one expects, and I tried to remain open for different developments. I used my kinky experiences to build up trust in my abilities to master intimate, scary situations, to deal with high amounts of pain and to communicate with those around me in order to make sure the experience turned out to be a good one.

When the labour pain finally set in, I tried to use my breathing to remain calm. After some time the pain seemed to become overwhelming, though, and I knew from the books that there should still be several hours ahead of me until it was done. So I said that I couldn't deal anymore and asked for an epidural. But I also trusted the nurse's advice and Ludwig's encouragement to try only a light painkiller at first. I didn't work out, but it bought me time. When I was finally about to get the epidural, it turned out that the pain level had been so high because the delivery went much faster than average. It was already in such an advanced state that the epidural didn't make any sense anymore, and I actually managed to go through the final phase without it.

Funny enough, the bearing-down pains didn't really feel painful to me. Instead, I was in a flow, just like some kinksters describe. The contraction was just like a pulse generator which told me to press and bring the baby a bit closer to seeing the light of day. Afterwards, I felt very relaxed and happy and enjoyed having that little bundle lying on me. But I didn't feel high, like many women apparently do, even though after delivering a baby there is as much endorphin in a woman's body as on almost no other occasion in our whole life. It didn't really surprise me, though, that I wasn't feeling high, since I don't have that after my kinky scenes, either.

I was very happy, though, to realise already on the evening after the birth that not only had the outcome been a positive one, but the experience itself had been a good one and not traumatising. Even then, right afterwards, I could already imagine doing it again, something that isn't granted to all women.

Still, for me, childbirth was a much more extreme scenario than anything I have ever done kink-wise.

The first reason is that, in a way, giving birth to a child is an event with no safeword. Once you are in labour, there is no way to stop the whole process. Of course, you can have pain-reducing medication. But, first of all, it can take time until you get it (about one hour for an epidural in the clinic I went to) and until it starts working. Secondly, the medication comes with certain risks and possible complications, so you have to trade off the positive effect against the possible negative ones. Third, this still doesn't stop the whole process, even if you find it, for instance, mentally challenging, and would like to get a break.

Can you imagine setting yourself up for a kinky event that lasts for many hours, maybe even a whole day or more, with no chance of knowing in advance how painful or how long it is going to be, and no chance to say stop when it becomes too much and you realise that the experience doesn't feel good? I have to admit that preparing for giving birth again reminded me that I would never do that. For me, no outcome of a kinky scene could be great enough to take that risk. As I said, I have read accounts from others who have done scenes like that with no safeword and not knowing exactly what would happen. For me, though, obviously only the prospect of having the child I longed for was a gain big enough to do something like that.

Even more, the more extreme kinky events I've read about usually were dark scenarios like kidnappings. I already was scared of an event that is without doubt a positive one with everyone around trying to support the mother-to-be. I definitely would never be able to do something that extreme in combination with a dark scene. As far as I understand it, the fellow kinksters who go for events like that get one or more of the following things out of it: the feeling of letting go completely, the experience of being broken and put back together, and the endorphin high that comes with realising that they have survived.

Opening up and letting go completely is something one also literally has to do when giving birth. Otherwise, the baby can't be born. So this was something I prepared myself for during my pregnancy, but it became clear to me that this is nothing I'm looking for in my kink.

As for being broken and put back together, and the feeling of survival – well, as those readers among you who accompanied us in recent years know, there haven't only been positive developments in our life. As a matter of fact, I've lost all my remaining grandparents and both of my parents, who weren't very old, in the last 10 years. If someone had told me ten years ago that this would happen, I would have broken down and thought I couldn't survive it, or that at least it would leave me mentally damaged. But I have held both of my parent's hands when they died, I survived, and I have learned and am still learning to deal with all that loss. Ludwig and the little ones are helping me a lot, even though having kids sometimes makes me miss my parents all the more. The scary feeling of not having much family left and of being the next in line will possibly remain (and the latter will most probably become stronger the older I get). But I know that I can survive even things that used to be a nightmare for me. It's nothing I search for in my kink, though. Reality has been more than enough in that regard.

Last but not least, extreme scenarios can of course come with a higher risk of causing permanent damage. The ones I have read about, fortunately, were very carefully planned and didn't cause that kind of damage. But very regular players, for instance, who also go for more severe scenes every now and then can at least develop weak spots that easily start to bleed. And of course scenes that don't turn out well can also be a psychological challenge. I, for one, realised that I wouldn't want to do a kinky scene that holds a higher potential risk of causing any kind of permanent damage, mentally or physically.

Having a baby for me was worth taking that risk, though. And unfortunately, having delivered two little ones indeed seems to have caused some problems. I am not only talking about the inevitable marks, the way carrying and bearing a child alters a woman's body forever. I am quite lucky in that regard, I can absolutely live with the rather small changes. But it seems that some intestine damage has occurred that might lead to serious health problems. Thus, I most probably will have to undergo surgery within the next few years. Doing sports during pregnancy and afterwards didn't prevent this from happening, and we will see how much physical therapy can accomplish. Even with the surgery, I am quite sure that the risk of certain health problems occurring, such as incontinence, has increased for me.

We are thinking about maybe having another baby. But due to my health problems, I have been warned. Still, I think that the little ones have been worth it, and I might even take the risk another time. I would never do that for a kinky experience, though, no matter how appealing it might be.

So, having become a mother confirmed one thing for me: kink and erotic spanking is there to make me feel strong and happy, nothing more and nothing less. I don't want to go to any extremes, and I don't really want to push my boundaries (anymore). I leave that to other fields in my life. My kinky experiences help me in extreme situations, though, as my childbirth experience proves. And it led me to the man who is now my husband, closest confidant and the father of my kids. What more could one expect from erotic kink?