Kaelah's Corner (Oct 2018): Crossing the Line

This is the third part of my series of posts about a very special, painful event which I decided to put myself through with Ludwig's support and which in my opinion altered my life. You can find the first two parts here and here. Today I want to tell you about the experience itself. I won't write much about the exact setting, location and action, though. I will leave that to your imagination. My focus will be on my thoughts and feelings throughout the experience instead. You will learn more about what happened in my next post which will be the final one in this series.

In my last post about the anticipation before the event I told you that I only knew a certain time range when it would take place, but not the exact date and time. I thought that it would most possibly start quite early in the time range, but at first nothing happened. The knowledge that it definitely would happen anytime soon made me nervous, though. It was a time in which I was very busy and I had the feeling that I wasn't ready for such a big event, yet. So I focussed on the stuff I had to do and tried not to think too much about what might or might not happen and how I would deal with the situation.

One evening I had finished yet another important task and I told Ludwig that now it seemed that the event could take place because all the big points on my current to-do-list were finished. When I woke up the next morning, I promptly got the signal that this would be the day. At that point Ludwig almost seemed to be a little bit more nervous than I, knowing that all he would be able to do was to be at my side. We packed the things we were supposed to bring and waited.

We were soon fetched by a van and driven to the location. Ludwig was in the front and I in the back. There were no windows for me to look out on the street, but I knew approximately were the car was. I had been to the location as part of my preparation, so I knew where we were going. The last time I had been there I was very nervous because I was very aware that the next time I would enter the place there would be no way back.

The drive wasn't too long. The van stopped and Ludwig and I were escorted into the house. At first we were guided to a preparation room. A staff member checked in with me and told me that she would be the one to guide me through the first part of the experience. I should explain that this wasn't supposed to be a dark experience. Long-time readers know that I am not into that and that I would most probably never set myself up for an event that is not only physically challenging but contains dark psychological elements as well. Instead, throughout this experience I always had the chance to ask for the help of a kind of mentor to support me mentally and to help me let loose.

A few preparations were done and Ludwig and I were informed that it might take some time for the experience to start. I was nervous, but I also really wanted it to start now that there was no way back, anyway. I took the chance to grab at least a little bite to eat since I hadn't had breakfast and probanly wouldn't be able to eat for a while during the event.

It started sooner than I had feared. At first, I managed to deal with the pain quite well, although it was different from what I had expected. The action was faster than I had thought and there were fewer breaks for me to recover than I had hoped. For a while I managed quite successfully not to fight the pain, instead letting myself fall into it and using it to open up. But after a while I struggled more and more and I started to panic because I had the strong feeling that I couldn't deal, especially considering that this was supposed to be a rather long experience and the worst part was still yet to come.

So I asked my guide for help. I knew that I had the chance to ask for the staff to help me ease the challenge. But that was under two conditions: First of all, the request could only be fulfilled with a time lag. Secondly, it came with the downside of most probably prolonging the event. And of course the aim was to let the experience unfold with as little intervention as possible. Having that in mind my guide tried to convince me to try other ways to help me cope with the situation. Ludwig, who thought that I was very tough and still coping rather well, agreed.

I wasn't really convinced, but I gave it a try, only to realise after a short while that it didn't work out. I knew myself well enough to know that I couldn't deal with such a high impact for what was supposed to be a few more hours! So again I asked for help.

As a result Ludwig and I were brought into another room with a new guide to support me. I was nude now, but interestingly that didn't make me feel vulnerable. The pain became worse and worse, though, much faster than I had expected from what I had heard and read, until it almost seemed like a single steady impact which only increased and decreased a bit over time. That was the moment in which my new guide told me that her advice would be to go through with the rest without any intervention because it would soon be over, anyway, and interfering might stop the process of letting go and make the experience much longer than it would be otherwise.

At first I cursed, feeling that I should have requested help earlier, but then I realised that this held a big chance, too. So I agreed and tried to focus on my final goal to let go completely. My guide suggested new positions which helped me and allowed Ludwig to help me through the final stage. And suddenly it happened. The pain seemed to ease up. Again it came in waves now and I just took it as a kind of impulse to ride the pain and let it help me to let go.

For a moment I thought about the marks the experience would leave. But I knew that no permanent damage had been done, so I pushed the thought aside and focussed on my breath and riding the waves instead. The last ones were announced and I really managed to let go completely. Then it was suddenly over. I was happy and relieved. I had more endorphins in my body than ever before, but unlike others I wasn't flying. That didn't surprise me, though, since I have never been flying from a kinky or any other experience. But I felt very calm and proud.

I got the chance to lie down, covered by a blanket. Ludwig was at my side, telling me how proud he was. Someone came to take care of my wounds. My guide looked after me as well. I got the confirmation that the experience had indeed been shorter and faster than most of the times. It was okay for me. My guide told Ludwig that we should take our time and he could get us something to eat. When he came with bread and other little snacks I realised that I was as hungry as a lion.

At night in our bedroom, Ludwig and I talked about the experience. About what had happened and how we had felt. It had been so intense. We didn't sleep a single hour that night, knowing that it had indeed been a very special event. And regardless of how hard it had been throughout, I already knew that the outcome had been worth it and that I might even do it again. Still, we had no idea at that point how life-altering the experience really would turn out to be. But that's a story for another post...