Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2018):
Anticipation and Preparation

It took me quite a while, but here it is, the second part of my series of posts about a very special experience! As I explained in part 1, I had set myself up for a rather painful event that involved a certain degree of loss of control on my behalf, something I am not usually into. But this experience was something I deeply longed for, and so it seemed to be worth the risk.

As the regular readers among you know, I am sort of a perfectionist, at least when it comes to things that are dear to my heart. My very first spanking experience with Ludwig, for instance, was very well-planned and well-prepared. During that scene I also gave up control to Ludwig, in a clearly-defined framework. When I set myself up for my new experience, though, I knew that this time I wouldn't have as much influence on what was about to happen as I had had then.

Still, I tried my very best to make sure that it would become a good, empowering experience and to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I chose the place and the people who would guide me through the experience. We talked about my preferences, limits, fears and hopes. I didn't know who exactly would be there on that special day, but the whole team and their philosophy seemed to be the right choice.

Of course, I also read accounts from those who had gone through the experience before and I spoke with others who had done it or planned to do it just like me. Ludwig and I talked a lot as well, and it was clear that he would accompany and support me. I also tried to prepare myself mentally and physically. It definitely was an exciting time!

That doesn't mean that I felt good all the time, though, or that I didn't have any doubts. As the event drew nearer (I didn't know when exactly the whole thing would take place, just a time range), the thought of not being able to back out anymore was indeed quite scary. When the prospect threatened to overwhelm me, I tried to distract myself in order not to dwell too much on what might or might not happen. But overall, the anticipation was of a rather positive and thrilling kind, and from deep within my heart something told me that going through this was the right thing to do and that it would change my life for the better.

Looking back, I think that I mastered the time of anticipation so well because I felt that I also did a lot of preparation during that time - as much as that was possible, given I was kind of going into the unknown. It was clear that no amount of reading, talking or training could really prepare me for what was about to happen. But still, my preparations gave me the feeling that I wasn't blindly running into something stupid which would turn out to be a bad experience. I was doing as much as I possibly could to make sure that everything would work out as I hoped it would.

In that regard there wasn't much difference to my first spanking experience. In 2009, I also had no real idea what I was setting myself up to. I knew that I had those special erotic fantasies, I had found a man whom I trusted so much that I asked him to bring one of those fantasies to life with me, I also had certain ideas about the right scenario and mood (for instance, I wanted a rite of passage rather than a dark punishment scenario). But still, I had no idea how a real spanking would feel like, how I would react and whether I would really like the real thing. Back then, my heart also told me that I had to take the plunge. And that was not only the beginning of an exciting kinky journey, it also was a very important step in the process of me and Ludwig becoming lovers and mates.

Still, I think my behaviour clearly shows that I am a control freak, in my kink as well as in my vanilla life. I can and do enjoy anticipation, but I enjoy the act of preparing things even more. Waiting passively isn't my thing. Especially not when the upcoming event is one where I am not going to be in control.

And so, I prepared myself and waited. I tried not to think about what might go wrong but to trust myself and my body that this had been the right decision and that I would be able to handle what was to come. And I enjoyed anticipating how I might feel afterwards and how the outcome of that special experience would enrich my life. That was until that one morning when what had been a mind game so far suddenly was about to become real...

How about you? Do you enjoy the feeling of anticipation? How do you deal with upcoming events that make you nervous? Do you distract yourself, play out things in your head or maybe actively prepare yourself? Is it different in regards to kink or vanilla life? How important are anticipation and preparation for your kink? I am curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!