Kaelah's Corner: Seeking Out Pain

In my recent Kaelah's Corner post From Bottom to Top I wrote about my change from someone who played only on the bottom side when I started living out my erotic spanking fantasies to someone who usually only prefers the bottom role in explicitly sexual play today and the top role in more formal scenarios. One thing that has changed, too, over the past years, is my relationship with pain.

When I began to play as a bottom, pain of a certain intensity used to turn me on (in the context of erotic spanking). It didn't work when the pain was too strong and when I didn't have any time to get used to it, like, for instance, during our first very severe scene which we made for a video clip. But with pain that started out moderately and became stronger in the end it worked out well.

It seems like I have lost the ability to be turned on by pain during the last years, though. Maybe it has to do with the fact that part of the attraction that kink has for me comes from the feeling of being tough and strong. Maybe that desire was what made the feeling of pain attractive for me because I knew it would make the experience feel real and it would bring me Ludwig's admiration and the admiration of others as well. I also wanted to be able to keep up with Ludwig's admired friends like Niki Flynn and the Mood Pictures and Lupus Pictures models in regard of the severity of the scenes which I had done and my pain threshold.

Maybe the attraction of going through painful scenes ceased when I had the feeling that I had done everything I wanted to do in this regard and that I didn't have anything to prove to anyone anymore. I am not sure whether feeling pain ever was something I wanted intrinsically. Maybe it was only something I needed to go through in order to get the feeling of strength and admiration that I sought out.

And maybe that's why pain doesn't turn me on today anymore. Now that I can feel strong and happy through topping as well, I sometimes really wonder and ask myself why I should be interested in feeling pain? Even the idea of having marks to show around isn't as sexy anymore as it used to be. I've recently done one final severe caning as a bottom which Ludwig and I want to publish as a free video. It was a scenario that we both thought was missing and that we both wanted to do.

But still, for me the creative element was the most attractive part of the caning and the whole experience for me. The pain was simply pain and the marks were nice but my main concern was that they wouldn't take too much time to heal.

It seems like others have experienced similar changes as well. When Adele Haze did a fifty strokes video for the Backlash campaign, she admitted that she hadn't bottomed for more than a year. During the caning it also became clear that nowadays she obviously prefers to experience a kind of pain that is within her comfort zone and makes her feel good rather than pushing her to or even over her boundaries. When Niki Flynn left the scene, it also seemed that she had enough of experiencing pain and couldn't see any reason why she should continue to seek out painful experiences.

So I wonder, are others out there who have made similar experiences? Do you have any explanations? Please share your thoughts in the comment section!

Our First Spanking Party in Germany (Part 1): Meeting Fenris

A week ago, Ludwig and I went to a special spanking event here in Germany, together with our reader and friend Fenris. We are going to tell you more about that soon. But before we do, we would like to write about our very first spanking party in Germany which we already visited two years ago but haven't posted about, yet. At this party, I introduced Fenris to the cane and got a double-topping from Fenris and Ludwig. But let's start from the very beginning.

Ludwig, Fenris and I have decided to write this post together, to give you all the different perspectives. Fenris's comments are bold and Ludwig's italic.

We got to know Fenris through our blog. He started commenting in December 2011. A short time later, Fenris sent us an email which was the start of a regular correspondence.

Fenris: Followers of the blog may have read my comments, although I have been a bit lazy for a while. As Kaelah stated, I started to comment almost 4 years ago but had been a regular reader before that. I have had a fetish for spanking / CP at least since primary school. Of course, long before puberty, I did not know that this strange interest was somehow linked to my sexuality.

I vividly remember how embarrassed I feltwhen there were descriptions of corporal punishment in books we read in school. I was afraid that, if the teacher had asked me to read aloud in class, every single classmate would have spotted the pervert in their midst. Chances are that I am not the only spanko who never thought there might be others with the same interest, let alone a scene or people who actually do "the thing we do". I was about fifteen or sixteen when I got my first internet access and, of course, looked for all things about spanking and CP. This was long before Web 2.0 and blogging. I was probably in my early-20s when I started to realize that there are actually other people with the same interest.

At the end of 2011, I was totally burned out from a very stressful job I had at the time and suffered from depression. Kaelah’s and Ludwig’s as well as other blogs really kept my mind busy with something I could enjoy and I read every single post at the Rohrstockpalast from the very beginning. When I read about Niki Flynn’s book "Dancing with werewolves", I immediately downloaded the kindle version and devoured it voraciously. It was like an awakening. I contacted Kaelah and Ludwig primarily to thank them for their blog and the enjoyment it provided to me.

[Ludwig: I remember clearly when Fenris first wrote to us. Kaelah and I get a lot of mails, but while most people just briefly say "Hi, and thanks for the blog!" or ask me if I can help them get a guest role in a video so that they can cane a spanking model, Fenris sent us a long, personal and highly articulate email. That is rare even for us. I remember thinking right away that this could become an interesting correspondence.]

After a while, we also met a few times for dinner, all in a very vanilla setting (although the topics we talked about weren't vanilla). As you know, Ludwig and I don't play a lot with others and are more interested in chatting. But over time, Fenris turned from a stranger into a friend, and when he asked us whether we would like to go to a spanking party in Germany with him, we happily agreed.

Fenris: I always enjoyed blog posts about spanking parties, especially in the UK. If I remember correctly, I just googled "spanking party" and realized that there are actually parties in Germany. Alone, I could not muster the courage to attend. A party with total strangers can be bad enough, but when something as intimate as BDSM is involved, things are even worse. So I just asked Kaelah and Ludwig, although I hesitated quite a bit, as I did not know whether they actually would like to attend a party with me.

[Ludwig: Truth be told, Kaelah and I aren't eager party-goers. It may sound strange for two people who run a blog and publish videos, but we are both fairly shy individuals, actually. When we meet other spankos, it's usually in smaller groups rather than at a big, "official" event with a crowd of strangers. However, we knew the organisers of this particular party by reputation, and they sounded very nice. Also, we would be going with Fenris, whom we had already met in person. So it all sounded rather pleasant and exciting.]

We didn't know how much we would like to play at such a public event, but we were curious to see how the parties in Germany were compared to the ones which we had visited in the UK and the US. So we chose to go to a Spanking / BDSM / Fetish party which was organised by Yoko and Randy and took place at the BEDO studio in Dortmund. Fenris, Ludwig and I already met before the party at the place where we had decided to stay for the night after. Thus, we could drive to the location together. I felt great, going to a kinky party with two men at my side, my boyfriend and a good friend of ours, both smartly dressed and looking very handsome in their leather jackets.

Fenris: I felt very comfortable in Kaelah’s and Ludwig’s companionship and was actually looking forward to the evening. When we met before the party and I saw the implements they brought (having never seen a cane in real life), my anticipation skyrocketed.

When we arrived at the studio, we were greeted amiably by our hosts and at first took some time to explore the location. The BEDO studio is a rather huge BDSM location consisting of two floors with huge open spaces, lots of equipment and a few differently furnished smaller rooms for more private play. The first difference between this party and, for instance, Shadow Lane could easily be seen. The furniture and equipment of the studio catered to a wide range of BDSM kinks, not only spanking. The party we visited was quite focussed on spanking, but there seems to be a closer connection between spanking and other BDSM activities in Germany than in the UK or the US. Of course we had to try out at least some of the equipment and take a few pictures (the photo quality isn't too good, but I think you get a good impression)!

[Ludwig: Kaelah and I have already noted on several occasions that there is less seclusion between the spanking scene and the "wider" BDSM scene in Germany than in English-speaking countries. It's interesting to speculate about the cultural reasons for this. In any case, there were many locations and devices in this big studio to look at and examine. One was a rather regal chair, so of course, being "Mad King Ludwig", I had to sit on it and have my picture taken. Kaelah loves taking photos and gathering material for the blog on such occasions, she's always planning ahead. Within a couple of minutes, we had enough for three or four future posts. That's German efficiency right there!]

The party started with a very tasty buffet and we had time to get comfortable and also chat with some of the other guests. It was great to meet another reader of our blog in person who had also commented before, der_Wolf. A look around revealed a second difference between this party and the ones which we had visited before. The average age of the guests was much higher. Apart from us there were only very few other people aged younger than 40. But everyone was friendly and having fun, so we didn't care much about the generation gap.

After a strengthening meal, we strolled around the studio again and finally found a semi-secluded place were we settled for some play. Fenris had only made one experience with kinky spanking before and he hadn't tried many implements, yet. This was about to change now.

(To be continued...)

Naughty Adventure in the Alps

A while ago Ludwig and I went on a hiking trip in the Alps. The weather was great and we had an awesome view from the top of the mountain we climbed. To be honest, the 17 km day tour which went about 1,000 meters up and down again brought us to our physical limits.

But that didn't keep us from taking the time to shoot some wonderful pictures of the stunningly beautiful surrounding. Of course we had to include some more explicit ones for your kinky pleasure as well. 

We tried not to be seen but I still hope that no one with binoculars pointed them at us from afar at the wrong time and received a shock... And I hope that you enjoy the outcome of our adventure since I am sure that the view definitely won't shock you!

Informed Spanking

In my recent post From Bottom to Top I wrote about how my experiences as a bottom helped me to grow into the role of a top. In the comments section, both Simon and Gustofur explained how their journey had led them from topping only to being on the receiving end of spankings, too. Simon proposed that his experiences as a bottom in his view also made him a more considerate top.

I have said before that for several reasons I prefer playing with tops who are willing to switch. I don't want to indicate that "pure" tops can't be considerate, but in my opinion having experienced a spanking on the other end of the cane or strap or whatever can indeed be helpful. So, the least I expect from a top is knowledge of what a certain implement feels like and how severe it is compared to others. Of course, that can be learned on a theoretical level only, but in my mind the best way is to try out the implement oneself.

Which is why I was happy to have the chance to try out a birch for the very first time during our Guerilla Filmmaking experience last Sunday, because chances are good that I will administer the one or other birching during the upcoming weekend. After my first experience I told Ludwig: "I certainly won't start too rapidly with this implement." Of course it has to be taken into account that different bottoms have different preferences, pain thresholds and limits. But now I know from personal experience that despite its innocent looks and the rather soft marks that it produces, a birch is definitely on the severe end of implements. Thus I can dish out what I would call an informed birching.

And since I am a very considerate person, I wanted to return the favour and give Ludwig the chance to make the same informative experience. Which is (the only selfless reason) why I suggested that I would try out two or three strokes on him, too, after we had returned home from our video shoot.

Ludwig thought he remembered that he had tried out a birch with one of the professional dominatrices whom he visited when he started living out his kink. But since he wasn't 100 per cent sure and obviously didn't remember how a birching feels like, I insisted that a refresher was a good idea. Plus, it would also allow me to practise how to handle a birch as a top.

Ludwig had a lot of work to do, so when we arrived home, he quickly went back to work. He didn't get much stuff done, though, because I turned up at the door, slapping the birch against the palm of my hand. Ludwig turned around and looked at me questioningly. "Time for our try-out session", I told him.

Ludwig sighed. "Right now?" I nodded. And so he followed me to the bedroom, stepped out of his trousers and underpants and bent over the bed. I didn't have much space to swing, but it turned out that I didn't need to. After the first stroke, Ludwig exclaimed: "Ouch, that fucking thing hurts like hell!" I smiled and replied: "And I haven't even used it with much force. Plus, your first hits came in a much quicker succession when we filmed the clip." With that I added two more strokes, one right after the other. Ludwig jumped up. "Ouch, this thing is horrible! Okay, that's enough of an impression."

He grabbed his pants and got ready to put them on. By now, my inner sadist had been awakened, though. So I grabbed the pants in Ludwig's hands and tried to take them away from him. "You can have them back after ten strokes", I told him. "But you said two or three strokes as a try-out", replied Ludwig, "I am not in the mood for being spanked." He tried to pull his pants out of my hands but I didn't let go. After some moments of struggling (and me maybe mentioning that I had taken a lot more strokes and wanted to have some fun, too), Ludwig gave in.

He went back over the bed and I got to administer seven more strokes accompanied by some beautiful reactions from Ludwig. He also told me when the birch was wrapping around a bit too much or tips of the branches hit the middle crease of his bottom. That seems to be a special problem of that implement because the twigs have different lengths. So the birching really had some learning effects for me, too, aside from the fun. Afterwards Ludwig exclaimed that the birch was almost worse than the cane. Which reassured me that I hadn't been wimpy when I had been on the receiving end.

So, I think we can now both dish out an informed birching, should we get to do so next weekend or some time in the future. And of course I am glad that I could help Ludwig out. I am always ready to selflessly offer him that service. After all, "informed spankings" are very important in my view!

Guerilla Filmmaking

Today Ludwig and I shot my blogiversary clip. Thank you very much to all of you who participated in the vote! The final tally added up to the round number of 30 strokes. I hope you will enjoy the resulting clip (which might take a few weeks to edit, but I'll try to finish that task as quickly as possible).

In order to make the video, Ludwig and I stood up at 6 am. Ludwig said he couldn't remember the last time he had got up so early on a Sunday morning. Me neither. But special occasions require special measures.

Our first excursion - it was still completely dark - led us to a birch tree where we cut branches (you know what for). Then we went back home and packed all the things which we would need for the shoot. I had ordered a new dress especially for this video because I always wanted to make an outdoor clip in an elvish dress. Before we left, I freed the birch twigs from their leaves and bound them together in a nice, fresh birch.

The main task now was to find a spot that looked nice, held enough space to set up the cameras and was secluded enough to protect us from being seen by passersby. We didn't know such a space and hoped for good luck. Our second problem: It was raining quite heavily. But the weather forecast said that the weather was supposed to be better in a region nearby. The map told us that there were some small forests in that region, too. So we decided to try our luck.

When we arrived, the night had gone completely, but it was still raining a bit and there was no sunlight to see. We went on a little hiking trip and found a place that, while not being perfect, suited our purpose. In the meantime, the rain had indeed stopped so that we could set up our equipment. We had to hurry a bit, though, because we weren't sure that the area was as secluded as we would have liked it to be.

I had never been birched before, so I was very curious to find out how it feels like. That's why I chose this implement for the clip, despite of other good suggestions which had been made by some of the commenters.

As I already mentioned in my blogiversary post, it wasn't my intention to do an extremely severe scene this time, since Ludwig and I already have another severe caning video in line (I will tell you more about that one soon). A birch seemed to be the right implement for the purpose of a medium severe scene, since the German Wikipedia article says that the birch was replaced by the cane in schools because canes were more severe and didn't need to be applied to the bare bottom in order to make an impression. I should have looked at the English article of course, which explains how much the birch was dreaded, for instance, amongst prisoners!

The only time I had tried how a birch feels like was when I had made one for my Santa Claus pictures. This birch was made of branches from some bush, though, which were quite dry. Twigs were flying around everywhere when I tried it on myself. The strokes didn't hurt all that much, although the tips easily caused little bloody spots.

I expected that the experience with our new, real birch would be similar. How completely wrong I was! That f***ing little b**ch¹ hurt like hell. There was no shredding at all since the twigs were still completely fresh and bendable. There were no extreme marks and no blood-drawing, either. There was only pain. Lots of pain. I guess the fact that it wasn't exactly warm outside didn't help, either.

Ludwig was so worried that we might get caught that he dished out the first eight strokes  at a fairly high speed until I cut because the pain became overwhelming. There was no chance that I could take 30 strokes like that without being a complete mess afterwards. I told Ludwig and he continued with a slightly lower speed and less impact. It still hurt, but it was bearable.

When it was over, I took a short look at the footage. I realised that the position I had been in wasn't the most favourable one given the shape of my bottom and the fact that I suffer from cellulite as many women do. In addition to that, I was of the opinion that the later strokes looked too tame on video (important insight: birches aren't good implements for spanking videos – while they sting like hell, they don't easily leave strong marks and don't really look severe). I told Ludwig, who was already taking down the cameras, about my observations.

"I want to repeat at least the last strokes", I said to him. "Why didn't you make up your mind right away?" he asked, "Then I wouldn't have taken down all the equipment already..." As you can imagine, Ludwig wasn't too happy about the prospect of setting everything up again, spending significantly more time on the site and risking being caught. But he obliged. He knows me well enough to be aware of how grumpy I am when I am not happy with the result of something I have put lots of effort into.

So, we set the cameras up again and started a second time, beginning at stroke eleven. At first, I accidentally started counting in German instead of English, so we had to start over a second time. The strokes were severe again this time and I had to struggle through them, crying out and hissing the whole time. But when we were done and I took a short look at the footage, I was content.

Of course, the footage isn't perfect, but that's the drawback of guerilla filmmaking. There is no time to set the cameras up for a perfect angle, there is no time to wait for the perfect light (there was no sunlight at all during the shoot, in fact it started raining again at the end) and the the sound is far from perfect, too, unless you have an external microphone.

We will try to make the best out of the footage and I am positive that we will find a way to enhance the sound a bit, too. I hope I will be happy with the resulting clip (still not content with the looks of the first ten strokes) and I hope you will like it, too.

By the way, I later tried the birch on Ludwig as well. After all, my sadistic side needs some attention, too! The test proved that I hadn't been wimpy. In fact, Ludwig said that in his opinion, the birch we made is worse than a cane. I'll tell you more about that little scene in my next post. For now, I hope you enjoy the preview pictures from our outdoor blogiversary clip.

 ¹ fascinating little branch