Sunday, October 10, 2010


This is the final part of my trilogy about my kink and the question how spanking works for me and why. In the first post titled I Don't Need No Education I tried to find out why domestic discipline doesn't hold any appeal for me. It turned out that I'm usually too strict with myself, anyway, and rather need someone who helps me to loosen up a bit instead of someone who holds me accountable for my little flaws. The second part Love, Peace and Happiness was about two main purposes of my spanking play: stress relief and empowerment. In this post I explained why surviving dark scenarios doesn't make me feel any stronger. Instead, I get strength either from stress relief spankings, which make me feel safe and close to Ludwig, or from more challenging and therefore empowering scenarios, as long as they don't break me, but allow me to stay on top and to feel like a heroine. I summed up the essence of my kink in the sentence: “I can't enjoy having been spanked if I didn't enjoy the spanking itself.”

Today's post is about the third purpose for which I use my spanking play: sexual satisfaction. Before I met Ludwig, I had never made any sexual experiences with a partner. I just hadn't found the right man, yet, and I didn't want any sex with someone I wasn't in love with. Interestingly, classical forms of sex also didn't play any noteworthy role in my sexual fantasies. Those more or less only consisted of non-sexual spankings (M/m caring guidance scenarios) along with some other BDSMy scenarios from time to time. I always considered sex to be something precious and wonderful, but for me it belonged to the concept of a partnership, which I didn't have at that time, so it didn't play any practical role for me.

When I met Ludwig and we became a couple, it was clear to me that I wanted “classical” sex with him, too. Luckily, Ludwig gave me all the time I needed to explore this new world (including the male anatomy as such and Ludwig's body in particular) at my pace. And, step by step, suddenly all these vanilla sex things became more and more appealing. Ludwig often jokes about me today, reciting one statement I made before we started having sex: “The classical sexual intercourse doesn't occur in my fantasies.” Because today this is entirely different! I really love the sexual experiences Ludwig and I share, and I can hardly get enough (poor Ludwig).

But fantasies about classical sex weren't the only new development since I became Ludwig's mate. These new sexual fantasies of course mingled with my kink. That's not a big surprise so far. What really surprised me, though, was which kind of kinky fantasies came up in that explicitly sexual context. The better I knew Ludwig, the closer I felt to him and the more secure I felt in our sexual play, the stronger the fantasy became of being dominated by him. Before I had met Ludwig, my sexual fantasies sometimes included some kind of power exchange scenarios (the BDSMy fantasies I mentioned above), but I never thought that this could ever be attractive for real! The desire to play out scenarios like that only occurs within my relationship with Ludwig, only with him as a play partner and only within explicitly sexual scenarios. On a side note, that's why Ludwig usually ends his comment about my relationship with classical sexual intercourse with the words: “Well, actually you were right, you really aren't interested in classical sexual intercourse, your sexual preferences are much too perverted to call them 'classical' at all.”

The great thing is that Ludwig developed the fitting dominant fantasies when I started fantasising about him dominating me. He always defined himself as being one of those tops who don't get much out of power exchange play. The main attraction in his spanking play was not the idea of controlling the bottom. Of course Ludwig enjoyed non-consensual scenarios, but semi-consensual scenes were at least equally or even more attractive to him. But in our sexual play, he suddenly started to have very dominant fantasies. He fantasised about controlling me, about forcing me to serve him, about me being his sex slave. Fantasies he never had with any other woman before. To my mind, it is absolutely fascinating, how the fantasies and desires one of us has influence the fantasies and desires of the other partner. This influence is mutual and goes back and forth between the two of us, and over time completely new forms of play develop.

It still surprises me, though, that these sexual scenarios include so many things that don't hold any attraction for me within my other forms of spanking play. At first sight, our sexual play absolutely doesn't fit into the picture I have of my kink. In our sexual play, I want to be dominated. In our sexual play, I want to be humiliated and exposed. In our sexual play, I want to be grabbed by the hair. And in our sexual play, I want to be used and abused. Usually there isn't much resistance on my behalf in these scenes. I like the thought that Ludwig does what he wants with me and uses me as his play thing. But I don't pretend not to want the things he is doing to me. Instead I fly off into a fantasy world. I think that's why bondage plays an even more important role for me in these scenarios than spanking. Being tied down is not only extremely hot, it also allows me to let go and to focus only on the sensations from Ludwig's touch and the fantasies he creates in my mind. Often these scenarios don't include any spanking at all. But they happen in my fantasies, while I'm enjoying the sexual stimulation.

So, why is all this possible in our sexual play, even things which would be an absolute no-go in any other form of kinky play? And what's behind those fantasies? Is this finally my submissive side breaking through? I think the first question can be answered quite easily. Since I'm directly receiving sexual pleasure in our sexual play, even my INTJ brain can distinguish the hot abusive fantasies from the real love relationship behind it. And usually, the most abusive things only happen in my mind during those scenes, anyway. So, there is no risk that I suddenly feel being pushed somewhere I don't want to be. And of course Ludwig and I talk a lot before we have more extended scenes like that. Which means that he knows exactly what is okay for me and what is a hard limit.

Well, and that's already the first part of the answer to the question of submissiveness, I guess. My fantasies aren't really about pleasing anyone. Actually, they are mostly about positions and sexual interactions which I find hot. When Ludwig exposes me in those scenarios, I don't really feel humiliated. I'm much too aroused and it makes me feel like a desirable, sexy woman. When Ludwig grabs me by the hair and holds me down, I don't really feel disrespected and abused. Because I know that Ludwig would never disrespect me in our relationship, and that he even only has this dominant fantasies when he experiences me as being in a very strong mood. When Ludwig takes over control, I don't really feel small. Instead it allows me to let go, to fly away into my fantasy world and to passively enjoy Ludwig's attention and touch. Which leads to more sexual stimulation (that's why I especially enjoy being tied down and blindfolded) and more pleasure. So, Ludwig's and my sexual play makes me feel like an attractive woman, who is strong enough to create dominant sexual fantasies in the mind of her otherwise equal partner, and gets a lot of pleasure from their adult play together.

But what about that “being used” thing? Doesn't at least that have to to with a submissive mindset? Emma Jane for example wrote about her sexual play in her post A small, small girl in a big, big world: The only grown-up scenes I play are those BDSMy scenes where it’s about both pain and pleasure, where I submit for sexual release and an adult mind fuck and where I actually want to please the other person. And Pandora wrote about her aim to get back into a D/s relationship with Tom in her post a birthday beating: D/s should be about obedience, not a set-piece tailored to my expectations. I'm extremely grateful to Tom for his caution and patience in not pushing me faster than I can go. I have a huge amount of respect for his motivation in wanting to ease me back into our D/s relationship gently. But at the same time, I am hungry for the feelings 'true' submissiveness provides, and frustrated with myself for not having it to offer on tap. I want to relearn it, to let go enough that I can give him what he wants and enjoy the sense of release surrender brings, without being hung up on what I want and inadvertently topping from the bottom.

To be honest, when I read Emma Jane's and Pandora's descriptions, I realise that this is not the motivation behind my fantasies of being used. Honestly, I don't even want to enjoy things which aren't part of my fantasies, just because Ludwig wants them. Quite frankly, I don't want to serve Ludwig. When I want to be controlled, forced and abused, I want to be forced to do things I enjoy at least on a certain level and I want to be abused in a way that brings me sexual pleasure.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm absolutely not willing to do things which aren't really part of my fantasies, but part of Ludwig's. As a matter of fact, Ludwig easily found various examples to show me that I'm actually quite likely to fulfil his fantasies even if they aren't really my cup of tea. There were for example that severe caning, joining Ludwig for video shoots with more people than just the two of us, and the fulfilment of other explicitly sexual desires Ludwig had. As long as something is neither part of my fantasies, nor something with a negative touch, things are very easy. It's great to see Ludwig satisfied and happy and that already makes it worth trying out new things.

Things are getting a lot more difficult, though, if something really isn't my cup of tea. Then it always becomes a walk on the razor's edge. Quite frankly, it's the most difficult thing for me in our relationship. The reason is that I don't want to be responsible for anyone I love feeling restricted, sad or angry because of me. I think it's quite the same thing which doesn't allow me to show anger. So, whenever I can't fulfil any of Ludwig's desires, I feel inadequate and egoistic and get a very bad conscience. Which results in me trying to find ways to push myself into a direction, which could allow me to make Ludwig's dreams come true. At the same time, there's the voice of reason inside me, telling me that it can't be good for me and for our relationship, if I do sexual things I don't really want to do, out of a bad conscience.

What's even worse is the fact that Ludwig is much more open-minded in general and also belongs to those people who can easily give their partner what they want even if it is not their cup of tea. So, he always did everything I dreamt of for me, which made me feel even more egocentric when I couldn't do the same for him. In addition to that, one partner giving things up for the other partner has a very negative touch for Ludwig. At the beginning of our relationship, Ludwig even asked the question whether someone who wants his or her partner to give up things that are important for her (or him) really loves his (or her) mate. Which of course made me feel even worse every time I couldn't give Ludwig anything he was longing for, especially when it was combined with asking him not to do certain things (like making spanking films with others).

With me, it is exactly the other way round. I can quite easily give up things for my partner, but doing things I'm not comfortable with is much more difficult. I'm very glad that we've found ways of dealing with our different approaches. And I was especially happy when Ludwig told me that he doesn't feel comfortable with doing a M/m scene on video, which would have been one of my fantasies (actually, M/m scenes are what I really want to see on film). Not because he has a problem with M/m scenes in general, but because he realised that he doesn't want to do anything on video which isn't part of his kink.

Which is absolutely okay for me. And it also made me realise that it is okay as well if I don't do the things I'm not sexually interested in. Actually, concerning films I already do more than that. I am not sexually interested in spanking play with other people (except for maybe being the only girl in an otherwise M/m scenario, that would be a dream coming true). But I do it on video, because it allows Ludwig to fulfil at least some of his fantasies (unfortunately not all of them, because many scenarios are still a no-go for me), and I enjoy the creative work instead of getting sexual fulfilment out of it.

And that's the way I now deal with these questions in general. I still try to fulfil as many of Ludwig's fantasies as possible (actually, hard limits are only certain spanking scenarios, certain film-making projects and special variants of some sexual practices) and to get at least somewhat closer to his level of openness. But, first of all, it must be in a setting that allows me to get something out of it as well. A good example for that, other than the film-making I already mentioned, is the severe caning we did last December. I knew that it was one of Ludwig's dreams to do a very hard scene with me one day. Ultra-severe scenes aren't my cup of tea, but the more I thought about it, the more possible positive outcomes of doing it once came to my mind. And when I had found a setting in which the possible positive outcomes outweighed the risks, we did the scene together.

The second precondition, which made that possible, was the fact that Ludwig never pushes me or forces me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I am the one who puts herself under pressure when I realise that Ludwig would be very happy if I did the one or other thing for/with him. But Ludwig never forces me into anything. As a matter of fact, once he notices that something isn't my cup of tea, he is the one who asks me whether I'm really sure that I want to do it, and he is the one who tells me to be careful when I tell him that I've found a setting that works for me. I think this is very important for me and allows me to walk on the razor's edge. Try to force me to do something and you can be sure as hell that I won't do it. Give me the freedom of choice and really mean it, and you can be quite sure I'm going to do it, if it isn't utterly against my principles or taste. The last time Ludwig gave me the choice whether I wanted to take the risk to try something with him or not, I suddenly found myself sitting in roller coaster with five loopings at the Oktoberfest in Munich...

So, as you can see, if one looks behind it, there is no real submissiveness or obedience even in my sexual play. I want Ludwig to be happy and sometimes the idea of being forced to do something in our sexual play, something that is right at my limit, even holds a special attraction. But I definitely don't want to be forced to do something I don't get anything out of as well. Plus, I want to have control over when and how to do the things which aren't 100 per cent my kink. And then Ludwig is very welcome to “force” me to do them within a scene. He is even welcome to spank me in order to give point to his words! And I think once more that little sentence is true for me: I can't enjoy having been spanked (or abused in this case) if I didn't enjoy the spanking (or the scene) itself.

Thinking about it, it seems like I wouldn't be a great joy to play with for many tops. I don't want to be forced and controlled, the only exception being explicitly sexual scenarios. And even then I only want to be forced to do things I like to do! This is called "topping from the bottom", I think... I don't want to be educated and disciplined. So, no chance of getting the positive feeling one has when helping someone to overcome bad or unhealthy habits. I neither want to be led to dark places, nor do I want to be broken and put together again afterwards. I don't even want to be brought to a point where I'm forced to show stronger reactions to a spanking.

All I want is being challenged and empowered, relieved from stress and/or sexually satisfied. In other words, a lot of work, not much in return! And did you realise? I used the bad word: I WANT! Yes! And while I'm at it: I even underline that WANT with stomping my feet with arms akimbo (something I definitely wouldn't have been allowed to do as a child). Let's face it: Concerning sex and spanking I'm an egoist! Well, or maybe just an adult woman aware of her needs, willing to communicate her desires and responsible enough to acknowledge and respect her limits. How lucky I am to have found a man, who loves me as I am and whose desires fit well enough to make our sex life as fulfilling for him as it is for me!


simon said...

thats what its all about sexual pleasure when i am spanking my girlfriend or she is spanking me.a few years ago i had a girlfriend that got so turned on when i spanked her it would bring her to simon.

Ursus Lewis said...

Wow, Kaelah. These three posts are very interesting to read. One can see you put a lot of effort in it.

There is so much I don't know about my kink and why I like things I like, but I think your entries might help me to find answers.

Thank you for sharing all these intimate things with us strangers.

Kaelah said...

@ Simon & Ursus:
Thanks a lot for commenting, it's nice to see that at least two people made it through all the three posts (nearly 10.000 words in total)!

@ Simon:
Yes, love spankings and sexual pleasure are very important parts of my kink in my love relationship, too. So, you switched in your relationship with your former girlfriend? Are you a switch with equally strong preferences for both sides or are you rather a top or a bottom who just switches from time to time?

@ Ursus:
I'm glad that the posts provided you with some thought fodder. I hope you'll find the answers you are searching for! I think learning more about oneself and one's kink is a permanent process, anyway. In case you gain some interesting new insights, I'm of course always curious to read about them (that provides me with some new thought fodder, too)!

Graham said...

Um, all I want is to be challenged and empowered, relieved from stress and/or sexually satisfied.

What could be a more valid reason for consenting to be whacked at with canes?

I'm drawn to kink for exactly the same reasons you are, and it's not selfish. Well, all right, it's selfish — but that's what desire is all about! And there is even evidence that selfish lovers are better in bed:

So long live kinky egoists!

simon said...

i like to be a top mostly with my helpless girlfriend across my knee giving her a good spanking and pushing her knickers up her simon.


It may not be too bad to be a little footstompingly "I Want" or to Top from the bottom sometimes. There are times that I look back at some play times and think that I may have been a little over demanding in what I expected from the Top concerned, in relation to knowing what I needed out of the scene. After all Tops and Dom(mes) have not been issued with crystal balls or mind reading equipment. Sometimes I feel guilty about how much responsibility and stress is on a Top whilst playing. Perhaps there should be an international Topping from the bottom day, it could be a learning experience for many Tops and Dom(mes) and would let them off the hook just for one day in the year.


Peter8862 said...

Kaelah - After all this deep and laborious introspection, do you ever have thoughts that you might be rationalising some relatively simple physiological reactions, like the stimulation of endophines by caning the erogenous buttocks, leading to a psychological "high" ? Too often it seems that intellectual theories can be explained by natural physical phenomena and this can lead to some humbling conclusions about man's place in the natural order.

Incidentally, what are your grounds for saying that you couldn't enjoy the aftermath of caning if you hadn't enjoyed being caned ? Niki Flynn always said that she didn't enjoy being caned but she loved the after effects.

But sincere congratulations on those 10,000 words !

Kaelah said...

@ Graham:

Thanks a lot for that link! And I agree with you, to my mind being a bit selfish in sexual things is good. Desire is selfish by definition, isn't it? And I think one can't enjoy sex when only being focussed on one's partner's needs. Of course only trying to get the most out of it for oneself without taking one's partner's needs into consideration at all and without respecting his or her limits isn't the right way, either. I think the author of the post you linked to put it into just the right words: "[...] to be a good lover, you must have a healthy mix of selfishness and the desire to please your partner. Being enthusiastic about receiving pleasure during sex is key, as is the effort to give your partner what they need."

@ Simon:

Aah, I understand. So, you are mainly a top and just switch from time to time! The next edition of Kaelah's Corner is going to be about switching, I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts about that topic then!

@ Perfectdt:

Good to see you're well again! :-) A "Topping from the bottom day" would be a great invention. I agree with you that talking about one's desires, wishes and limits is very important because most tops don't have clairvoyant abilities. And that's what I usually mean when I use the term "topping from the bottom". It doesn't mean that I'm constantly trying to control the top during a scene. It just means that I try to explain my fantasies and limits as well as possible beforehand and also afterwards, in case I have found out something that was new to me during a scene.

@ Peter:

Don't get me wrong, I don't deny that there are some very simple physical phenomena involved in our spanking play. I also mentioned them when I explained why I like certain positions which help me to focus on the sensual pleasures.

But I am convinced that the psychological part is even more important than the physical part. The same physical kind of spanking (same implement, severity, pain) can make me feel great in a scenario that fits my fantasies and completely awful in another scenario that contains any turn-offs. I also know certain sexual practices which don't really turn me on with their physical sensation but become very arousing when they are included in a fitting scenario. And last but not least, spanking fantasies already turned me on before I even knew how a real spanking feels like. If it were all about physical reactions that wouldn't make much sense.

What I was focussing on in this trilogy are the different fantasies people have and an analysis why my fantasies are as they are. And I am convinced that kinky fantasies and preferences are influenced by experiences people have made and by their personality. For example, your fascination with ball gowns: Wouldn't you say that this special fetish has to do with fond memories from the past?!

Concerning my statement that "I can't enjoy having been spanked if I didn't enjoy the spanking itself": That statement reflects what I have experienced so far. Every time I felt uncomfortable during a spanking, either because it was very severe and I had the feeling that it was too much for me or because the scenario made me feel humiliated, I felt bad after the spanking as well. The experience of survival didn't make me feel much better at all, in contrast to what Niki wrote about her play and her experiences.

I checked the exact total number of words and it's just a bit more than 9.000. But I think that is enough, anyway! :-)

Peter said...

Kaelah - Thank you for a carefully reasoned reply and indeed I agree entirely with your conclusions.
Whether fetishes are always the product of experience I am less sure. My love of women in long ball gowns probably stems from hospitality balls at Delmonicas, Fifth Avenue, New York in 1943/4, but there is no precedent for my love of the cane, both ways. So I look forward to your views on switching.

Kaelah said...

@ Peter:

You raised a very good point here! While I might be able to explain from my experiences and personality how certain of my fantasies work for me and why, plus why other scenarios don't hold any appeal for me and where certain red buttons come from, I have no real idea why I am kinky at all! I can tell you that I like the cane because it has that elegant looks and produces orderly marks (if applied by a skilled top), but I have no idea why being caned or wielding a cane holds any appeal for me in the first place. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it has to do with very early childhood experiences. I just take it as a given condition and I think that knowing where it exactly comes from wouldn't be of much practical use, anyway.

But knowing more about what is a turn-on and a turn-off for me helps me to find interesting scenarios and to explain my desires and limits to Ludwig. That's why analysing these things is so fascinating for me: It helps me to understand myself better and enables me to exchange ideas with Ludwig, not only about kinky experiences but also about other desires and personality traits I have. Therefore it finally leads to an even more fulfilling partnership and sex life which I think is a great outcome for a rather small effort (especially since I enjoy the process of analysing and writing my thoughts down, too)! :-)

Peter8862 said...

Kaelah - I think it is probable that a love of the cane is something handed down through the genes, and if experiences are responsible, then they may well be experiences that happened to our ancestors. In other words, there is no necessity for direct experience as a child. I was never smacked or caned except on one occasion by my headmaster. He gave me one grossly undeserved stroke of the school cane on the bottom, albeit at the rather critical age of thirteen.

Kaelah said...

@ Peter:

It could be true, I also heard about the theory that our ancestors' experiences affect us more than most scientists thought some years ago.

With early childhood experiences I didn't mean spankings, though. To my mind the experience of real spankings makes it rather unlikely that someone develops a sexual fondness for spanking. I rather thought about events where pain might be mixed with positive elements or something like that (like for example first experiences with walking, when children stumble and fall a lot but also get to the places they want to explore). But I have to admit that I'm not sure how that might exactly work and why it should affect some people and shouldn't affect others...

Like I said before, I just take my fondness for spanking as a given fact, which is neither good or bad. Whether it becomes something good or bad to my mind depends on whether I use it in a way that makes me and others happy or not.

Peter8862 said...

Kaelah - You are so right in your last paragraph particularly when you say that moral rectitude depends on how we use what we're given, which probably brings us into the realm of Christian ethics.

Kaelah said...

@ Peter:
Yes, I think this point of view is really a part of the Christian ethics. I would even say that it is not only a part of the Christian ethics but of many more ethical systems.