Saturday, July 14, 2012

Point of No Return

Lea recently wrote a very personal and touching post called Basket Case which resonated with me on many levels and which provided me with lots of thought-fodder. One thought that came up was about experiences which alter our lives forever. Experiences that make a permanent change which doesn't allow us to go back to our old lives ever again.

For example, I consider(ed) myself to be a rather strong and independent woman. I didn't have a boyfriend for a long time and I got along very well. But now that I have found Ludwig, I know how great it can be to have a mate. And I think if our love fell apart, I would never be able to go back to those old times when being alone was completely okay for me. Because now I know how wonderful it can be to have a mate and I would surely miss that.

The question which I would like to ask you is: How about erotic CP and kink? Is the discovery of the kinky community, the discovery of not being the only one to have these kinds of fantasies a life altering experience?

I think for me, it definitely was. Because it opened my mind to ways of living which I hadn't considered possible. On the other hand, I have heard of people who went back into a state of denial again after having found like-minded people and after having already admitted to themselves that they are kinky. I'm not sure whether anyone ever managed to keep that up for a long time, though, once they knew about the existence of the kinky community.

And what about the first adult spanking experience? Do you consider that experience to be life altering? Does it mark a point of no return? Or is it possible to go back to a life without kinky activities afterwards?

I'm not sure what the answer is for me. One thing is clear: I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a vanilla partner any more. If Ludwig ever left me, I would look for a kinky partner only. But what if I were single? Would I simply go on without spanking, as I would most probably without vanilla sex? Or would I look for play partners and go to lots of spanking events? I have to admit that I don't know for sure. I assume that my life wouldn't contain much spanking action, though. Maybe some occasional play with good friends. But I don't think that I would look for a regular play partner or go to lots of spanking events and parties. Most of the time fantasies would most probably be enough for me, just like it was before I met Ludwig.

Still, I consider my first adult spanking to be a life altering experience. Because it has opened a door to a world in which I found my first love and learned how to feel womanly and sexy. And these are experiences that changed me forever and that no one can ever take away from me.

I would love to hear your thoughts about the subject! Do you consider any of the experiences which you have made with spanking and kink to be life altering? If yes, which one(s) and why? Do you think that you could go back to a life without kink, without a kinky relationship or without play? Please share your thoughts in the comment section!


Lea said...

This is also something I've thought about a lot recently now that I'm single again. Am I willing to go the vanilla route and lose all the kinky stuff? Would I still have such a strong urge to participate that I'd have to do so in secret from a possible vanilla partner? Or should I just forget vanillas altogether and make kinky my number one prerequisite?

I think it would be really hard to just stop all of it. This spanking thing has opened up a whole new world and many great friends who have crossed over into my everyday life as well. I'm not sure I'd be willing to cut all that off if a partner wanted me to.

On the other hand, it's already so difficult trying to find "the right one" out of the current fish in the sea. Cutting the pool to only kinky fish limits the options even more. Am I willing to overlook other traits I'd want in a partner just because I'm putting kink so high on the list? It's quite a quandary. So it took me 3 paragraphs to say, I just don't know.

Simon said...

My special moment was when I met my Mistress. From the instant her hand first fell across my bare bottom I knew she was the perfect Mistress for me. For the last 12 years she has been punishing me on a regular basis and I have never grown bored of it. If she was ever to stop for any reason I suspect I would stop my kinky activities as I don't think I would ever find anyone else that I trust and enjoy the company of to replace.

Donpascual said...

I cannot talk about "life altering experiences" because I was into the kink very early, already as a teenager without being able to explain why.
Therefore, I cannot seriously discuss the option of turning vanilla again. It was "with me" and still is.
But one thing, I am sure about: I would never have married a woman who wasn't into it. I did find a kinky woman and we are still together.
But it isn't only about having a like minded mate.
The kink will also ask for new experiences regularly. I venture to claim that as true for all spankos. In order to make these experiences available, it is highly advisable to be a member of a community of kinksters instead of playing the lone wolf. I have tried to stay outside a spanking community but it did not work. After having lost my last playing mate I returned to the community. It simply makes sense.

Kaelah said...

@ Lea:
Welcome and thanks a lot for stopping by! You mention an important point: If I couldn't find a kinky partner who fits to me, I would definitely prefer a vanilla partner who fits otherwise over a kinky partner with whom I don't have anything else in common. A vanilla partner would definitely have to accept that I am kinky and that I fantasise about spanking and the like during sex, though, because I wouldn't want to live with anyone who doesn't accept and love me as I am.

@ Simon:
Another very important topic which Ludwig and I discussed some time ago. What, if one partner suddenly isn't interested in kinky any more or for some reason can't participate in kinky play any more? Ludwig and I both assumed that we wouldn't split up because of that. Our relationship is about much more than just kink. But it is difficult to be sure if it hasn't happened for real.

@ Donpascual:
I honestly can't remember that I ever really was in a state of denial about my kink. I didn't know for a long time what it was all about and how it was called but I was lucky in that I rarely had any negative feelings about my fantasies. As for making new experiences and playing with different people, I will address this subject in my next post!

Val said...

The recurring theme of discussion: how does kink mix with daily life?
Would I stay single? I don't know, I agree with Lea. My inclination, however, would be to be totally open and upfront from the beginning when meeting someone, so that neither of us has any surprise later on. I have been lucky in that my partner joined in enthusiastically upon introducing her to the spanking kink, and remained so all these years.
Looking back, I have met a few people in the past who may have wanted to invite me in kinkwise, but I think I did not join in because I was too scared of being outed myself, of being dragged out of the closet, discovered...
So the first time I did anything practical about it, it was in a professional setting. I did go back three more times. Did it "change my life?" Sure it did, it showed me that the kink was something wired within, and I could not ignore it, at least not anymore. As you say, it does not need to be there all the time, it is enough to behave vanilla as long as you also have spanking in your head.
That it is true that you don't need actual spanking at every turn is further demonstrated by my continuing personal circumstance: the pro playing turned into a personal relationship - the mistress and I became very close, and the kink became less and less, to the point where we were mostly vanilla - it was funny, think about it: it was the spanking which had brought me in at first! We parted however, and eventually I got married elsewhere. Since that time it has been very rare, and less and less frequent now, that we played outside or saw others in the community. Today our play is exclusive, however I think that we tend to stay close to the community and interact somehow - for example, here I am, and we read and write about these things, and correspond with others.
Question: Is it OK to physically play with others while in a committed relationship where both partners are spankos? That is playing with fire I think, even if one says that the actions are strictly limited to spanking and involve nothing else. My experience tells me that even if you hear from your partner "that's OK, go ahead," that does not really mean Yes, and you better be very careful, even if your partner may be standing there next to you. Where am I going with this? Agreeing with Donpascual, who says that it makes sense to return to the community if you lose your partner for whatever reason.

Kaelah said...

@ Val:
Thank you for sharing your experiences! The question whether it is okay to play with others when being in a love relationship is indeed a difficult one. I'd say it very much depends on the two partners involved. I know several spankos who are in a relationship but play with others nonetheless, and both partners are fine with that. Others only play with their partner. As for Ludwig and me, we sometimes play with others, but only in very casual settings or for spanking videos. And in every case we are always both present, none of us plays with others without the other at least witnessing the scene. In my opinion, open and honest conversation is the key here. That way, every couple can find out about their personal limits.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you. My point of no return was when I started contacting real kinksters after a long failed relationship.. It's fantastic, and I never want to be without it. If my husband decides he never wants to do kink again, I would leave or have him agree to see other people. Not that it's likely to happen. Once I played with several people at once, that's when I knew it was what I am, and what I also am allowed to be. No more hiding..

Kaelah said...

@ zenoida:
Welcome, and thanks a lot for commenting! Not having to hide is a wonderful, liberating thing, isn't it? :-)