The Reunion (Part 1)

[Note from Ludwig: Thank you all for participating in the Global Day of Delurk 2010. Here is Part 1 of Kaelah's tailor-made story, the first piece of spanking literature ever to be published on Rohrstock-Palast. I never wrote one and probably never will because I have too much respect for literature to write anything but film scripts. Fortunately, Kaelah does not share this inhibition. Words contributed by the readers are in bold, Part 2 is to follow shortly.]

David looked into the mirror and grinned. Now he really looked like a convincing prisoner. He had to get dressed for the big carnival party in the bedroom, since his beloved wife Evelyn occupied the bathroom making her hair. David looked forward to that party very much, not only because they would meet their university friends Leon, Ulrika, Roger and Kiara again after a long time, but also because of the promised gigantic dinner buffet.

The last two weeks had been hard. For some reason Evelyn had developed the idea that she was too fat and had to lose weight in order to look beautiful in the classical party frock (retro late 19th century fashion style, complete with a bustle) she had bought for tonight. Normally, Evelyn wasn't one of those horrible fashion lovers, but this time she wanted to look as feminine and elegant as possible. He had tried to convince her that she was beautiful as she was and that there was no reason for any kind of hysteria, but to no avail. Suddenly there was no toast in the refrigerator any more, no butter and jam, and Evelyn even refused to cook him his favourite dish from Belgium, rundstoofvlees. Instead, everything he got was pumpernickel bread, fruits, vegetables and fish. But tonight, the suffering would come to an end. And David had resolved to try every kind of food they offered!

It would be very interesting to see how the other fours looked like. The last time they had met was on Roger's and Kiara's wedding almost three years ago. The six of them had become friends in the “China studies” group at their university. Originally they all had different fields of study, but the China studies group was open for students from all departments. In 2003 they had spent a semester abroad together in Beijing. Leon and Ulrika already had been a couple before they went there. In Beijing, Roger and Kiara fell in love nearly at the same time as Evelyn and him.

Now, seven years later, they were all very busy and only heard from each other infrequently. Leon and Ulrika lived in a lonely house on the skirts of the wood, three miles away from the next village. Leon had his own little business and Ulrika was a company lawyer. But they still did some really crazy things in their rare free time. Half a year ago they had sent a photo from a LARP session. In that picture both of them posed in fantasy warrior outfits, Ulrika threatening the viewer with a self-made weapon that looked a bit like a mop and Leon with his right hand on his sword belt, ready to draw his weapon. He even wore a fake moustache which made him look like d'Artagnan. It had been funny to see Leon, who could be called a pogonotrophal nihilarian, wearing a beard. David wondered whether the two would wear their warrior outfits at the carnival party as well.

As for Roger and Kiara, he hadn't heard much from them after their wedding. Roger worked for a biological institute and Kiara had become a doctor of chemistry. David didn't know much about their hobbies, but they seemed to do a lot of travelling. From time to time they sent postcards from different countries where they obviously met friends. Where they got to know this international crowd, David didn't know. Maybe they would tell him more about it today.

David's eyes fell on the alarm clock which showed 6:12 pm. It was time to go! He knocked on the bathroom door: “Evelyn, are you ready?” - “Yes, I am.” The door opened and before him stood his beautiful wife in her elegant gown, her hair pinned up and a smile on her face. Thank God, she was happy with her outfit! “You are looking fantastic, darling.” He gave her a kiss. “Shall we go?”

###

About fifty minutes later they stood in the party area chatting with Leon, Ulrika, Roger and Kiara. Coincidentally they had all arrived nearly at the same time, so they hadn't had to look for each other in the party room. Leon and Ulrika didn't wear their warrior outfits. Instead, they were dressed as “hedgehog and rabbit”, inspired from the famous fable. David had greeted them with: “Hi Sonic, hi Lola Bunny.” The outfits were just too funny to resist. And Roger and Kiara were dressed as headmaster and schoolgirl. He really looked formidable with his black headmaster's gown and she looked even younger in her white blouse, grey skirt and green blazer than she did when they had first met each other nine years ago. After some minutes of talk, David decided to start his operation “all you can eat” and went off to the buffet.

And he wasn't disappointed! The food tasted great and the buffet was really huge. David decided to stand next to it for a while. A lot of work awaited him if he wanted to accomplish his mission. He watched Leon and Evelyn on the dance floor. She really looked stunning in that dress! Ulrika and Kiara had taken a seat in one of the corners and were chatting. Headmaster Roger was just crossing the room towards the buffet. He turned many heads, especially among the female party guests. They seemed to be quite impressed by his looks. Maybe he should have chosen a more attractive costume, too? But when Roger walked past him, David suddenly realized why everyone was looking after him. David burst out laughing. “What's wrong?” Roger turned around to him. “There's something on your back.” Roger searched his back with his hand and grabbed a note which had been pinned there, reading “Kick me!”.

Roger knew immediately who had done that. Kiara hadn't even made the effort to change her handwriting. David didn't need the handwriting as proof, the grin on Kiara's face said everything. “Excuse me, I think I have to have a word with a naughty young woman.” With these words, Roger turned around and went over to Kiara. “Do you think it is nice to make fun of me in front of all these people?” he asked in a stern voice. But Kiara just looked at him with a wide grin and Ulrika obviously had trouble to put up a straight face herself. “We'll talk about that later, young lady,” he announced. And in a low voice next to Kiara's ear he added: “Which means you are going to listen while I am going to talk, and the cane is going to talk to you, too.” Kiara blushed and he could hear her heart beating quicker.

The evening went by very fast. There was a lot of chatting, laughing and dancing. And David accomplished his mission, in spite of Evelyn's warnings about his sensitive stomach. They all decided to meet more regularly again and have dinner together, each time at another one of their places. At about 1.15 am they left the party and went home by taxi. For some reason David started feeling sick at the beginning of the tour and the taxi driver's style of driving didn't make it any better.

###

Back home David lay down on the bed while Evelyn was in the bath, cleaning her face from the make-up and undoing her hair. “This damn taxi driver must have confused the highway with a race track”, David moaned, “could you please make me some tea, I'm feeling so sick. And then you have to cuddle me, of course. And you could read me a bedtime story, too.” He looked at Evelyn, who had just entered the room still brushing her hair, with an expectant glance in his eyes. Unfortunately her gaze didn't show too much sympathy. “What do you think why you are sick?” her voice sounded rather stern somehow. “Ahem, well, ...”, was all he managed to say before she rudely interrupted him. “You don't listen to me, you eat half of the free dinner buffet, and now I shall cook you tea and cuddle you because - surprise, surprise - you are feeling sick, Mister?” - “That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had to suffer from hunger during the last two weeks!”, he grumbled. - “Have you ever heard of buying food in the supermarket and cooking? No one forced you to eat the meals I prepared for myself! How old are you, honey, thirteen?” Now her voice had become dangerously low and the word “honey” didn't bode well, either.

“What do you want to do instead, then, spank me?” Where did these words come from? That definitely wasn't what he had intended to say. For a moment she looked at him without saying a word. Then David suddenly noticed a certain shimmer in her eyes which he had never seen before. “That's a good idea, actually. It's something I wanted to do for a long time, anyway.” She came one step closer to him. Now David was completely dumbstruck. And again, before he really knew what was going on, his body decided to stand up from the bed, turn around and bend forward, hands resting on the bed frame, his bottom stuck out into Evelyn's direction. What the hell was going on here? David didn't have much time to think. He heard Evelyn take another step closer to him and then he felt the trousers of his prison uniform being pulled down sharply. Before he could protest or react in any other way the same happened to his underpants.

So he stood there, bent over in front of his wife, bare bottomed, his trousers hanging loosely around his ankles. What would happen next? David got his answer faster than he appreciated. He heard the sharp sound of something cutting through the air and suddenly felt a severe pain in his right buttock. The stroke elicited a surprised howl. What was his wife doing and why did that hurt so much? A glance behind him gave the answer: Evelyn was using her wooden hairbrush to spank him and that evil little thing stung like hell! But Evelyn didn't give him much time to think. Two seconds later the second hard stroke struck his left cheek. All David could do was trying to cope with the pain. Evelyn set into a steady rhythm. And David tried to find his rhythm, too. Receive a stroke, grit the teeth while the wave of pain was washing all over him, breathe, prepare for the next stroke and so on. He wanted to take this spanking with as much dignity as possible given the undignified position he was in, anyway.

[To be continued...]

Global Day of Delurk 2010

Today is the fifth annual Love Our Lurkers Day. Or, as I like to call it, the Global Day of Delurk - I find that there is too much use of the acronym "LOL" on the internet, anyway. Global Day of Delurk just sounds more majestic, more pompous and more dignified. In short, more Ludwigesque.

Once every year, we spanking bloggers encourage our lurkers, the readers who read but never post any comments, the silent ones, the unknown ones, to use this day to step out of the shadows and say hello. So, if you fall into that category, you may hereby officially consider yourself invited. Whatever the reason for your silence up to now, be it shyness, lack of time or simply lack of a proper subject to comment on (are you serious, what with all the fascinating stuff that gets posted here?), now is the time to put it aside, even if only for a day. And if you are a long-time commenter, you should leave a quick message, too, because there will be prizes for it. More about that in a moment.

As always, the Global Day of Delurk is organised by Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts, who founded this venerable tradition in 2006 (thank you, Bonnie). Part of the tradition is that we always aspire to surpass the previous year in terms of the number of blogs taking part and the combined number of comments. Last year, we had 144 and 2,627, respectively. Quite a benchmark. 29 comments were left here, on Rohrstock-Palast. But despite my competitive edge and my fondness for Pythagorean-style number mysticism, I really am a quality-over-quantity guy. So if I had a choice between simply getting a comment flood or getting a small, but really interesting handful of delurks, I would gladly choose the latter.

Speaking of quality, the Global Day of Delurk will always be special to me because Kaelah (then known as K'Ehleyr) delurked here during the first one I took part in, back in 2008, and the rest is history. While nothing as impactful will ever happen to me on a Global Day of Delurk again, hearing from readers I never heard from before remains one of the fondest aspects of blogging for me. Unfortunately, I had to neglect the blog and my kinky correspondence a bit in recent months, which is why Kaelah has virtually taken over the palace (as dachshunds do, with any place they live). Not a problem in itself, as she is as good a blogger as I am. But I will aim to use this day as a launching point for myself as well, for getting back into the groove a bit. Of course, that will be easier if the day goes well for Rohrstock-Palast. Get it? That was the emotional blackmail part.

And if that does not convince you, there will be prizes, as I mentioned above. No, Kaelah and I are not going to do another reader-tailored spanking video. We still have not had time to shoot the last one we promised you (that should happen in two weeks' time), so committing to another video is really not an option. However, Kaelah is going to write a tailor-made spanking story for you, and here is how it works: every lurker who makes his (or her) first comment today can contribute five words which Kaelah will then write into a spanking story. They can be random words of your choice, or a phrase, the only thing that matters is that the maximum number of words is five. And if you are a regular commenter already, you can still contribute... let's be generous, two words to the story. How about a nice adjective-noun combination? I cannot wait to see the literary chaos that is undoubtedly about to ensue...

So, thanks again to Bonnie, and let the annual Global Day of Delurk begin! Also be sure to keep an eye on the master list at My Bottom Smarts to see what else is happening (probably many votes for many spankings given to many wives, girlfriends, husbands and boy-toys...).

...But Not This Bear

One should never make generalisations. In my last post Bears Say It With A Slap... I showed you why I was totally convinced since my childhood that all bears are definitely kinky. And now Ludwig introduced me to the exception from that rule on YouTube. It's a commercial, but I think it is really hilarious. Watch the little clip and decide whether to shoot that poor little bear or not. And then make up ideas what else the hunter and the bear should do. Well, my first choice was of course: “A hunter spanks a bear.” And as you can see, that bear obviously isn't kinky...

But nonetheless there are other great options, depending on your personal fetish. Let's start with the innocent stuff. If you are into caring guidance fantasies and being tucked in you can try “sleeps”. For the M/M fans among us who don't only enjoy spanking but a good fight as well, “wrestles” is the first choice. Judging by his mask, the hunter seems to be a fan of Mexican wrestling, right? And since we already had so much fun with football here on this blog (well, at least I had a lot of fun flogging Ludwig), this is an option I 'd like to recommend, too.

Surely not everyone's cup of tea are the more explicit scenes you get to see when typing “pisses” (sorry, the more polite word “pees” doesn't work...) and “farts”. And for those who are into M/M hardcore scenes, well, the word you have to fill in is obvious, isn't it? By the way, I've rarely seen so many nice comments about male homosexual hardcore sex. Even from male viewers! And I think that is already a good reason to mention this bear here, even if he is not kinky.

Or maybe I just didn't choose the right words to find the kinky clips?! Any ideas anybody?

Bears Say It With A Slap...

When I was younger, I loved bears! Okay, most of us do, but there was a special reason for my fascination with these beautiful animals. I came to love them because Walt Disney taught me that all bears are kinky! Well, at least those who are properly socialised...

You can find the proof in one section of Walt Disney's animated feature Fun and Fancy Free from 1947. It's about circus bear Bongo who runs away because he wants to be free and live like a wild bear. He falls in love with the beautiful Lulubelle, but unfortunately Bongo has never learnt how wild bears show their affection for each other. So, he is completely devastated when his advances provoke rather painful reactions. Maybe his rival, the bully Lumpjaw, who considers Lulubelle to be his property, has won her heart after all? But then Bongo finds out what it really is that bears say with a slap...

Isn't that sweet? Thank you, Walt Disney for showing a young kinkster like me what erotic spanking is all about! I wonder, should I use that clip one day to explain to Ludwig's and my future children what daddy and mummy are doing at night? To me it seems like a great way for kinky parents to introduce their kids to the concept of kink and how there is nothing threatening or unnatural about it. I'm not sure, though, what might happen when the kids visit the zoo with their grandparents or school class afterwards!

Or should one keep all those things away from children, anyway? Ludwig is of the opinion that it is better to wait until one's children are teenagers, and thereby old enough to fully understand that BDSM between consenting adults is not violence, before one breaches the subject with them. I'm not sure, though. To my mind the risk of a child one day unexpectedly witnessing sexual play between its parents is quite high, despite of all possible safety measures. And then a child might be even more shocked if it never heard anything about erotic spanking before...

Egoist?!

This is the final part of my trilogy about my kink and the question how spanking works for me and why. In the first post titled I Don't Need No Education I tried to find out why domestic discipline doesn't hold any appeal for me. It turned out that I'm usually too strict with myself, anyway, and rather need someone who helps me to loosen up a bit instead of someone who holds me accountable for my little flaws. The second part Love, Peace and Happiness was about two main purposes of my spanking play: stress relief and empowerment. In this post I explained why surviving dark scenarios doesn't make me feel any stronger. Instead, I get strength either from stress relief spankings, which make me feel safe and close to Ludwig, or from more challenging and therefore empowering scenarios, as long as they don't break me, but allow me to stay on top and to feel like a heroine. I summed up the essence of my kink in the sentence: “I can't enjoy having been spanked if I didn't enjoy the spanking itself.”

Today's post is about the third purpose for which I use my spanking play: sexual satisfaction. Before I met Ludwig, I had never made any sexual experiences with a partner. I just hadn't found the right man, yet, and I didn't want any sex with someone I wasn't in love with. Interestingly, classical forms of sex also didn't play any noteworthy role in my sexual fantasies. Those more or less only consisted of non-sexual spankings (M/m caring guidance scenarios) along with some other BDSMy scenarios from time to time. I always considered sex to be something precious and wonderful, but for me it belonged to the concept of a partnership, which I didn't have at that time, so it didn't play any practical role for me.

When I met Ludwig and we became a couple, it was clear to me that I wanted “classical” sex with him, too. Luckily, Ludwig gave me all the time I needed to explore this new world (including the male anatomy as such and Ludwig's body in particular) at my pace. And, step by step, suddenly all these vanilla sex things became more and more appealing. Ludwig often jokes about me today, reciting one statement I made before we started having sex: “The classical sexual intercourse doesn't occur in my fantasies.” Because today this is entirely different! I really love the sexual experiences Ludwig and I share, and I can hardly get enough (poor Ludwig).

But fantasies about classical sex weren't the only new development since I became Ludwig's mate. These new sexual fantasies of course mingled with my kink. That's not a big surprise so far. What really surprised me, though, was which kind of kinky fantasies came up in that explicitly sexual context. The better I knew Ludwig, the closer I felt to him and the more secure I felt in our sexual play, the stronger the fantasy became of being dominated by him. Before I had met Ludwig, my sexual fantasies sometimes included some kind of power exchange scenarios (the BDSMy fantasies I mentioned above), but I never thought that this could ever be attractive for real! The desire to play out scenarios like that only occurs within my relationship with Ludwig, only with him as a play partner and only within explicitly sexual scenarios. On a side note, that's why Ludwig usually ends his comment about my relationship with classical sexual intercourse with the words: “Well, actually you were right, you really aren't interested in classical sexual intercourse, your sexual preferences are much too perverted to call them 'classical' at all.”

The great thing is that Ludwig developed the fitting dominant fantasies when I started fantasising about him dominating me. He always defined himself as being one of those tops who don't get much out of power exchange play. The main attraction in his spanking play was not the idea of controlling the bottom. Of course Ludwig enjoyed non-consensual scenarios, but semi-consensual scenes were at least equally or even more attractive to him. But in our sexual play, he suddenly started to have very dominant fantasies. He fantasised about controlling me, about forcing me to serve him, about me being his sex slave. Fantasies he never had with any other woman before. To my mind, it is absolutely fascinating, how the fantasies and desires one of us has influence the fantasies and desires of the other partner. This influence is mutual and goes back and forth between the two of us, and over time completely new forms of play develop.

It still surprises me, though, that these sexual scenarios include so many things that don't hold any attraction for me within my other forms of spanking play. At first sight, our sexual play absolutely doesn't fit into the picture I have of my kink. In our sexual play, I want to be dominated. In our sexual play, I want to be humiliated and exposed. In our sexual play, I want to be grabbed by the hair. And in our sexual play, I want to be used and abused. Usually there isn't much resistance on my behalf in these scenes. I like the thought that Ludwig does what he wants with me and uses me as his play thing. But I don't pretend not to want the things he is doing to me. Instead I fly off into a fantasy world. I think that's why bondage plays an even more important role for me in these scenarios than spanking. Being tied down is not only extremely hot, it also allows me to let go and to focus only on the sensations from Ludwig's touch and the fantasies he creates in my mind. Often these scenarios don't include any spanking at all. But they happen in my fantasies, while I'm enjoying the sexual stimulation.

So, why is all this possible in our sexual play, even things which would be an absolute no-go in any other form of kinky play? And what's behind those fantasies? Is this finally my submissive side breaking through? I think the first question can be answered quite easily. Since I'm directly receiving sexual pleasure in our sexual play, even my INTJ brain can distinguish the hot abusive fantasies from the real love relationship behind it. And usually, the most abusive things only happen in my mind during those scenes, anyway. So, there is no risk that I suddenly feel being pushed somewhere I don't want to be. And of course Ludwig and I talk a lot before we have more extended scenes like that. Which means that he knows exactly what is okay for me and what is a hard limit.

Well, and that's already the first part of the answer to the question of submissiveness, I guess. My fantasies aren't really about pleasing anyone. Actually, they are mostly about positions and sexual interactions which I find hot. When Ludwig exposes me in those scenarios, I don't really feel humiliated. I'm much too aroused and it makes me feel like a desirable, sexy woman. When Ludwig grabs me by the hair and holds me down, I don't really feel disrespected and abused. Because I know that Ludwig would never disrespect me in our relationship, and that he even only has this dominant fantasies when he experiences me as being in a very strong mood. When Ludwig takes over control, I don't really feel small. Instead it allows me to let go, to fly away into my fantasy world and to passively enjoy Ludwig's attention and touch. Which leads to more sexual stimulation (that's why I especially enjoy being tied down and blindfolded) and more pleasure. So, Ludwig's and my sexual play makes me feel like an attractive woman, who is strong enough to create dominant sexual fantasies in the mind of her otherwise equal partner, and gets a lot of pleasure from their adult play together.

But what about that “being used” thing? Doesn't at least that have to to with a submissive mindset? Emma Jane for example wrote about her sexual play in her post A small, small girl in a big, big world: The only grown-up scenes I play are those BDSMy scenes where it’s about both pain and pleasure, where I submit for sexual release and an adult mind fuck and where I actually want to please the other person. And Pandora wrote about her aim to get back into a D/s relationship with Tom in her post a birthday beating: D/s should be about obedience, not a set-piece tailored to my expectations. I'm extremely grateful to Tom for his caution and patience in not pushing me faster than I can go. I have a huge amount of respect for his motivation in wanting to ease me back into our D/s relationship gently. But at the same time, I am hungry for the feelings 'true' submissiveness provides, and frustrated with myself for not having it to offer on tap. I want to relearn it, to let go enough that I can give him what he wants and enjoy the sense of release surrender brings, without being hung up on what I want and inadvertently topping from the bottom.

To be honest, when I read Emma Jane's and Pandora's descriptions, I realise that this is not the motivation behind my fantasies of being used. Honestly, I don't even want to enjoy things which aren't part of my fantasies, just because Ludwig wants them. Quite frankly, I don't want to serve Ludwig. When I want to be controlled, forced and abused, I want to be forced to do things I enjoy at least on a certain level and I want to be abused in a way that brings me sexual pleasure.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm absolutely not willing to do things which aren't really part of my fantasies, but part of Ludwig's. As a matter of fact, Ludwig easily found various examples to show me that I'm actually quite likely to fulfil his fantasies even if they aren't really my cup of tea. There were for example that severe caning, joining Ludwig for video shoots with more people than just the two of us, and the fulfilment of other explicitly sexual desires Ludwig had. As long as something is neither part of my fantasies, nor something with a negative touch, things are very easy. It's great to see Ludwig satisfied and happy and that already makes it worth trying out new things.

Things are getting a lot more difficult, though, if something really isn't my cup of tea. Then it always becomes a walk on the razor's edge. Quite frankly, it's the most difficult thing for me in our relationship. The reason is that I don't want to be responsible for anyone I love feeling restricted, sad or angry because of me. I think it's quite the same thing which doesn't allow me to show anger. So, whenever I can't fulfil any of Ludwig's desires, I feel inadequate and egoistic and get a very bad conscience. Which results in me trying to find ways to push myself into a direction, which could allow me to make Ludwig's dreams come true. At the same time, there's the voice of reason inside me, telling me that it can't be good for me and for our relationship, if I do sexual things I don't really want to do, out of a bad conscience.

What's even worse is the fact that Ludwig is much more open-minded in general and also belongs to those people who can easily give their partner what they want even if it is not their cup of tea. So, he always did everything I dreamt of for me, which made me feel even more egocentric when I couldn't do the same for him. In addition to that, one partner giving things up for the other partner has a very negative touch for Ludwig. At the beginning of our relationship, Ludwig even asked the question whether someone who wants his or her partner to give up things that are important for her (or him) really loves his (or her) mate. Which of course made me feel even worse every time I couldn't give Ludwig anything he was longing for, especially when it was combined with asking him not to do certain things (like making spanking films with others).

With me, it is exactly the other way round. I can quite easily give up things for my partner, but doing things I'm not comfortable with is much more difficult. I'm very glad that we've found ways of dealing with our different approaches. And I was especially happy when Ludwig told me that he doesn't feel comfortable with doing a M/m scene on video, which would have been one of my fantasies (actually, M/m scenes are what I really want to see on film). Not because he has a problem with M/m scenes in general, but because he realised that he doesn't want to do anything on video which isn't part of his kink.

Which is absolutely okay for me. And it also made me realise that it is okay as well if I don't do the things I'm not sexually interested in. Actually, concerning films I already do more than that. I am not sexually interested in spanking play with other people (except for maybe being the only girl in an otherwise M/m scenario, that would be a dream coming true). But I do it on video, because it allows Ludwig to fulfil at least some of his fantasies (unfortunately not all of them, because many scenarios are still a no-go for me), and I enjoy the creative work instead of getting sexual fulfilment out of it.

And that's the way I now deal with these questions in general. I still try to fulfil as many of Ludwig's fantasies as possible (actually, hard limits are only certain spanking scenarios, certain film-making projects and special variants of some sexual practices) and to get at least somewhat closer to his level of openness. But, first of all, it must be in a setting that allows me to get something out of it as well. A good example for that, other than the film-making I already mentioned, is the severe caning we did last December. I knew that it was one of Ludwig's dreams to do a very hard scene with me one day. Ultra-severe scenes aren't my cup of tea, but the more I thought about it, the more possible positive outcomes of doing it once came to my mind. And when I had found a setting in which the possible positive outcomes outweighed the risks, we did the scene together.

The second precondition, which made that possible, was the fact that Ludwig never pushes me or forces me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I am the one who puts herself under pressure when I realise that Ludwig would be very happy if I did the one or other thing for/with him. But Ludwig never forces me into anything. As a matter of fact, once he notices that something isn't my cup of tea, he is the one who asks me whether I'm really sure that I want to do it, and he is the one who tells me to be careful when I tell him that I've found a setting that works for me. I think this is very important for me and allows me to walk on the razor's edge. Try to force me to do something and you can be sure as hell that I won't do it. Give me the freedom of choice and really mean it, and you can be quite sure I'm going to do it, if it isn't utterly against my principles or taste. The last time Ludwig gave me the choice whether I wanted to take the risk to try something with him or not, I suddenly found myself sitting in roller coaster with five loopings at the Oktoberfest in Munich...

So, as you can see, if one looks behind it, there is no real submissiveness or obedience even in my sexual play. I want Ludwig to be happy and sometimes the idea of being forced to do something in our sexual play, something that is right at my limit, even holds a special attraction. But I definitely don't want to be forced to do something I don't get anything out of as well. Plus, I want to have control over when and how to do the things which aren't 100 per cent my kink. And then Ludwig is very welcome to “force” me to do them within a scene. He is even welcome to spank me in order to give point to his words! And I think once more that little sentence is true for me: I can't enjoy having been spanked (or abused in this case) if I didn't enjoy the spanking (or the scene) itself.

Thinking about it, it seems like I wouldn't be a great joy to play with for many tops. I don't want to be forced and controlled, the only exception being explicitly sexual scenarios. And even then I only want to be forced to do things I like to do! This is called "topping from the bottom", I think... I don't want to be educated and disciplined. So, no chance of getting the positive feeling one has when helping someone to overcome bad or unhealthy habits. I neither want to be led to dark places, nor do I want to be broken and put together again afterwards. I don't even want to be brought to a point where I'm forced to show stronger reactions to a spanking.

All I want is being challenged and empowered, relieved from stress and/or sexually satisfied. In other words, a lot of work, not much in return! And did you realise? I used the bad word: I WANT! Yes! And while I'm at it: I even underline that WANT with stomping my feet with arms akimbo (something I definitely wouldn't have been allowed to do as a child). Let's face it: Concerning sex and spanking I'm an egoist! Well, or maybe just an adult woman aware of her needs, willing to communicate her desires and responsible enough to acknowledge and respect her limits. How lucky I am to have found a man, who loves me as I am and whose desires fit well enough to make our sex life as fulfilling for him as it is for me!

Love, Peace and Happiness

The last edition of Kaelah's Corner I Don't Need No Education was the first of a series of three posts about the question: How does spanking work for me and why? This is the second part of the trilogy. It took a little bit longer than planned to write it, but if you scroll down the page you can easily see why: This post is pretty long. So, be sure to have some food and a drink at hand. I don't want to be responsible for any readers dying from dehydration and hunger while reading this post!

In the first part I explained why real life DD and punishments don't hold any attraction for me and that I seek forms of spanking which allow me to enjoy not only the aftermath, but also the spanking itself. So, my kink is not about dealing with real flaws or bad habits, but of course my spanking play is connected to my real life experiences, challenges and longings. As a matter of fact, I am of the opinion that my personality, my fears, my current developments as a human being and my dreams about a happy and fulfilling life shape my kinky fantasies and my spanking play.

That became once again clear to me when I read Pandora's post Feeling grown-up vs feeling small. In that post she asked herself and her readers whether they prefer to feel small, powerless and controlled in their spanking play or grown-up, empowered and in control. My gut feeling immediately gave me a clear answer to that question: […] I can definitely say that [...] I love to play out the empowering type of scenes. Some of my fantasies are age-play fantasies, but they're usually M/m and I'm just an observer. My own play is either empowering or for stress relief (but then as an adult with the help of my equal partner) or for sexual stimulation (then I often want Ludwig to be very dominant and my fantasies can be rather “abusive”, but due to the explicitly sexual context and the fact that these fantasies only occur with my partner, I still remain adult during those scenes).

So, why don't I want to feel small in my spanking play, something many bottoms experience as being very liberating and which helps them to get some relief from the stress of their adult lives? Again, to my mind the answer lies within my own personality and real life experiences. I often feel small in my real life! That doesn't keep me from doing the things I want to do and from taking risks, but it costs me a lot of energy and effort. For many years I started every new project and occupation with the question: Am I good enough for this? Can I really do that? And I always had to prove to myself that I could. Today I try to walk around with a more healthy null hypothesis (which is shared by more men than women I think): I can do everything I want to / have to do! And I try to keep this hypothesis up, unless definitely proven otherwise (99% confidence interval). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I've gotten a lot better, but I'm still not where I want to be.

As you can imagine, the last thing I need in this process is going back to feeling small and dependent. Although it means a lot of hard work, I've come to love my adult life and the self-reliance that goes along with it. I neither want to be a child again, nor do I want to depend on others (except for mutual dependency) or to be controlled by any fears. Don't get me wrong, of course I long for giving up control from time to time. Sometimes I want to let myself fall and know that Ludwig is going to catch me. But usually I don't use my spanking play for that purpose. Expressing sadness and fear isn't such a big problem for me any more today. When I need that, I lie down next to Ludwig, ask him to wrap himself around me and to hold me tight. And then I just relish the feeling of safety or even cry in Ludwig's arms while he is cuddling and soothing me. If I had to play small in my spanking play, though, the scene and the spanking would feel awkward and again I wouldn't be able to turn it into something good afterwards. That's why I finished my comment on Pandora's post as follows: [...] playing small doesn't fit into my real life and my relationship with Ludwig. Self-confidence from empowering play, moments of stress relief and sexual satisfaction going together with the chance to let go make me feel happier in my everyday life as an adult self-reliant woman, playing small wouldn't work for me in the same way than feeling grown-up during a spanking does.

So, the main purposes of my kink are stress relief, empowerment and sexual satisfaction. Stress relief is the easiest to explain purpose among the three. For me there are two forms of stress relief spankings. The first one is much more common for me than the second one. Haron just described this kind of spanking perfectly in her post A nice spanking: A concept of a “nice spanking” is difficult to explain to some tops. But here’s how it goes: it’s a spanking that warms up and builds up a tingle; feels crisp, but not too challenging; makes me gasp and giggle, but not cry out; might grow harder by the end, but only because I’m thoroughly warmed up. “A spanking is supposed to hurt”? No, it’s supposed to make me happy, actually. If a nice spanking is what I want, leave your sadistic urges at the door. For a nice spanking which helps me to relax I don't need any storyline, no characters, just Ludwig and me as an adult couple. I enjoy feeling Ludwig's touch, the medium severe pain, the warm glowing afterwards and the attention I get from Ludwig during and after the spanking. On Sunday I got one of these spankings. After I had read Haron's account of the nice spanking she got in the morning, I told Ludwig that I longed for one, too. In the evening I just draped myself over Ludwig's knee and got what I was seeking. Actually, I got a bit more than I wanted. Well, we all have got our own definitions of “nice”, haven't we?

The second form of stress relief spankings happened only once to me so far. It's quite similar than the first one, maybe a bit harder in the beginning, so that I can use it to cry and to release not only the feelings of stress but also sadness. As I said, when I'm sad, I usually cry in Ludwig's arms when we are cuddling. But in very rare cases using a spanking for that purpose can work as well. The only scene in which that happened to me so far had begun with a little storyline. But even before the spanking started, I already felt my exhaustion and the urge to cry. Ludwig started with some very hard flogger strokes and I was in tears after stroke number two. At first Ludwig went on with some switches because I had told him that I wanted to try these. The crying became less because I felt challenged and then crying holds no attraction for me any more. But when Ludwig changed to a medium severe OTK hand spanking after a while, I used the feeling of being close to him to release all the sadness that had build up inside me. There wasn't any storyline any more at that point. Ludwig just spanked me, stopped from time to time to caress me and to ask me whether I needed more and whether I needed the strokes to be harder or less hard. So, it was very similar to our normal stress relief spankings, only that I needed more contact and support from Ludwig this time to prevent me from feeling bad about crying during a scene.

While I usually don't need a spanking in order to cry, there is another emotion which I'm nearly unable to express. And that emotion is anger! I'm always afraid to lose control and to hurt someone when releasing the aggressions which are boiling inside me. And there is a lot of anger beyond my calm surface. I would love to set these emotions free in my spanking play. I haven't found the perfect scenarios for that purpose, yet, but at least I'm partially using my aggressions to get some empowerment in my “heroine” scenario spanking play. Empowerment play is definitely my core kink!

I'm of the opinion that most people use their kink to turn negative experiences from the past, their fears or frustrations into something positive, by either setting the negative situations into a new context and giving them a happy ending or by creating a different, positive universe to give them strength. One example for the first type of play are dark scenarios, where some kinksters give themselves into frightening, seemingly uncontrollable situations, but in a save environment and with the knowledge that they will survive and feel stronger afterwards. The second type of play includes the “heroine” scenario empowerment spanking play I enjoy. To my mind, the aim of creating a positive universe that allows me to feel safe and strong is the nucleus of my kink. Again, dark scenarios which feel very scary during the scene and provide strength via the feeling of survival afterwards are an absolute no-go for me. One explanation for that might be the fact, that I didn't always respect my own limits and brought myself into very demanding and scary situations. I definitely don't want to do that any more and dark scenarios could make me feel as if I did. But I think there is more to it than that.

I had a light bulb moment concerning that topic a few weeks ago when Ludwig and I spend some time with a befriended couple, Vincent and Barbara. The two of them are horror film buffs, just like Ludwig. I, however, can't watch any horror films even today, unless it is totally obvious that the movie is about a fantasy world. Gothic horror for example is okay for me, films like Hostel are out of question. Our friends and Ludwig found out during their conversation that all of them already enjoyed horror a lot as kids. Vincent had developed the theory that watching horror movies helped him against the fears he had as a child. While there are horrible, scary things happening in these films, there is no real harm done to the viewer. Ludwig and both of our friends agreed that having survived watching these scary things and the experience that no real harm was done to them made them feel stronger as children.

When I watch horror films, this is completely different. The scenes I see immediately mingle in my head with real life brutality and horror. I can't separate fiction from reality in these moments, except when it is very, very clear that the movie is about a fantasy world. Even when I only read about the storyline of Hostel, it reminds me of real torture and the fact that there are people who are able to treat others as if they were no human beings. And exactly the same thing happened to me when I watched Ludwig's film with Mood Pictures, Inmates. I wasn't reminded of the old exploitation films like Ludwig is, I was reminded of real abuse in prisons, no matter how unrealistic the movie was. Ludwig developed the theory that the different ability to distinguish fantasy horror scenarios from real life horror could be a F-personality type vs T-personality type thing. Most of the horror fans he knows are F-types and most of the people he knows who don't like horror are T-types.

However, for me my way of dealing with horror also explains the kind of spanking play I prefer. Of course I also had a lot of fears when I was a child. But instead of reliving those fears when watching horror and feeling stronger after having “survived”, I made myself a heroine in my fantasies. Someone who isn't even scared by all those horrible things in the first place. And, ideally, someone who has also got strong and honourable friends who support her and fight at her side. Those were the fantasies which made me feel stronger and gave me the ability to deal better with my fears and the challenges of my real life. And this is how my empowerment spanking play works as well. I don't want to relive any scary experiences. Surviving is not enough. What I want is to go into a spanking scenario already feeling strong and supported. And I want my optimism to be approved by the way the spanking unfolds. That gives me a feeling of strength (it's hard, but I can deal and it doesn't brake me), and it can also help me to release some aggressions and turn them into fighting spirit. Finally I often don't only feel strong after such a scene, but also very peaceful and calm.

That doesn't mean that for me a spanking isn't allowed to be scary at all. It can be, but it should be more like the kind of stage fright that overcomes you at the premiere of a play you've rehearsed for weeks. You're nervous because all of your friends are watching, but you're nervous in a positive way, because you've worked hard and you are sure that it will be great fun to play for them. It shouldn't be scary like waiting for an important test one has already failed twice, knowing that this is the last chance and one will be expelled from university if one doesn't pass the exam this time. No, thanks, that's a kind of feeling I definitely don't need, my stomach already cramps when I just imagine a situation like that (luckily that never happened to me). That was why I was so frustrated during the first part of that fifty strokes caning. I had the feeling that I was playing beyond my limits and that I was really panicking and losing control. And the first part doesn't feel “right” for me even today. The only reason why I finally got something out of the scene at all, was that during the second part I was in my heroine mode and had the feeling that I was playing within my limits and that I was able to take it without panicking.

As you can imagine, it is also important not to get too close to any real life challenges in the scenes. In my heroine scenarios I always need the feeling that the top is on my side. Once I get the feeling that the top is trying to do something “at my costs”, I feel betrayed and get really angry. In her post Eliane vs the Marshmallow Eliane wrote about a scene she played in which a top tried to force her to eat a marshmallow. Eliane wasn't willing to give in and finally “won” the battle. In my comment to her post I wrote: Eliane, what you write about stubbornness, competitiveness and the feeling of victory fits very well to my kink and kinky experiences! Only that the scenario you've described most probably would end in a disaster, if Ludwig tried it with me. The reason is that because of some experiences from the past I really hate the idea of someone or, even worse, a group of people trying to make me do something I don't want to do. I surely would react as stubborn as you did, but I wouldn't only concentrate my aggression and anger on the marshmallow, instead I would feel very angry upon Ludwig. In fact this is one of those situations where I can imagine to safeword very quickly, because I know that instead of feeling the kind of relief you felt afterwards, I would be even angrier at the end of the scene.

I had such a kind of scene with Ludwig once, when he tried to motivate me to stay in a stress position by behaving like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket and telling me that I looked ridiculous with my shaking legs. Unfortunately he hit a red button with that, reminding me of school sports (no one treated me like that there, but I often felt inadequate and ridiculous). So, I struggled through the scene, but freaked out afterwards. Well, that means I curled up on the bed, not saying anything except for the words: “This is NOT my kink!” See what I mean when I'm talking about my inability to express anger?

While challenging me is okay, humiliating me in this context of course doesn't work for me for the same reasons as being broken doesn't work. Leia-Ann made me think about that topic when she asked her readers Is it more humiliating to be stripped naked or to be exposed? In my answer I wrote about humiliation in spanking play in general: [...] I'm not really into humiliation, except for maybe as part of very explicit sexual fantasies I'm living out with Ludwig. […] When Pandora and I co-bottomed for our fun clips, we had one scene in which we were made to stand facing the wall with our skirts tucked in and the knickers lowered. I realised that this was almost too much for me in front of a camera (it's rather something for the sexual fantasies I want to share with Ludwig in private). So, at the risk of disappointing some of our dear readers: You are most probably never going to see me on video being humiliated and exposed. Because in my non-sexual play I'm only interested in empowering scenarios and don't get anything out of any kind of humiliation! Especially not in front of other people because that hits another red button, but that's the story of another post...

With the right scenario, it is even possible to connect spanking play with unpleasant real life experiences, though. One example for a positive connection of real life events and feelings with kinky role play was the Proof of Innocence scenario we shot with Pandora and Tom. For a moment I was able to focus all my negative feelings from the past, all the anger about having been the unloved eager beaver on Pandora's character Rosemary. I knew that there was no danger of really hurting someone because first of all Rosemary was just a character and secondly she and my character Adelheid finally became friends, so I knew that there would be a happy end. But scenes like that are difficult to create and I'm rather a bit too careful than sorry for having made a negative experience (and/or having involved others in a negative experience).

But even without any references to real challenges this kind of play holds a risk of constantly getting more severe than planned and than I'm comfortable with. Of course an empowering spanking has to be severe enough to give me the feeling that I am fighting a real fight, but it must allow me to stay on top. In addition to that I feel better when I'm only showing restrained reactions during these scenes, which can of course challenge a top to go harder than planned in order to elicit some more vivid reactions. Eliane who was in a “I don't want to give in” mood during her recent spanking scenarios wrote about that risk in her post Stubborn To The Point Of Stupid. Gladly, Ludwig is into restrained reactions and we've adjusted our spanking play in order to avoid permanent battles of power in our scenarios resulting in very severe scenes. As I wrote in my comment on Eliane's post: […] playing beyond one's limits really isn't a good idea! […] That's why I usually don't play any scenarios that depend on me quitting or being broken at a certain point. […] When I'm in my “heroine” mood, Ludwig just challenges me and pushes me, but for him it is completely okay when I try to be brave and to show only restrained reactions. We make up scenarios that allow him to stop the scene without me pleading for mercy or something like that, because having to do this would usually destroy the scene for me.

So, this is how stress relief and empowering scenarios work for me! I'm very glad that Ludwig's and my kinks are obviously fitting well enough to make it easy for us to create scenarios that work for both of us and make us happy. I hope that part two of this little series illustrated a bit better what I mean when I say: I can't enjoy having been spanked if I didn't enjoy the spanking itself! But there is still one type of spanking play left, spanking for sexual pleasure. And here suddenly everything seems to be different: Dark scenarios, the longing for a dominant partner and for being controlled, humiliation... How does that fit into the picture? Is that finally my submissive side? These are the questions I would like to look at in the last part of the trilogy which will be posted some time next weekend. After this monster post you sure don't want to read another piece like that for the next few days, anyway...
[To be continued...]

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2010): I Don't Need No Education

Recently I've read several posts written by various bloggers which made me think about how my kink works for me exactly and what I get out of it. I think by now I've got quite a clear picture not really about why I am kinky at all but about why my kinky fantasies are as they are. Some of the thoughts that came to my mind during my recent analysis were actually quite liberating. I will try to put them together on the blog and to sort and structure them. But I have to warn you: First of all, my remarks might still remain a bit inconsistent in places due to the complexity of the topic. Secondly this piece of writing is going to be so long that I have to split it into three parts which I'm going to post in time intervals of three or four days. And third, in case you had a rather positive picture of me so far, it might be shattered into pieces once you read all three posts. However, at least I warned you...

The first post I read titled Do you like spanking? Do *I* like spanking? was written by Zille. In essence it was about some of our fellow kinksters who not only say that they hate being spanked, but pretend to get absolutely nothing out of it whatsoever. I absolutely agree with Zille's advice for them: If you really hate it, then don't do it! Of course there are many bottoms who don't like the actual spanking itself (it hurts!), but in the end they are getting something out of it. That can for example be the empowering feeling of survival. Like Niki Flynn once put it in her book Dances with Werewolves: I don't actually like being caned; I like having been caned. Or maybe it's the feeling of relief after having cried, or forgiveness for those among us who are into real life punishment and domestic discipline. Zille aptly called this a love/hate relationship with spanking. I was never in any danger of denying the positive outcome I get from a spanking. But the topic of loving or hating being spanked led me to further thoughts about where I am standing in that continuum of love and hatred. And I found out that I usually prefer to have something I would like to call a love/love relationship with spanking. Or in other words: I can't enjoy having been spanked if I didn't enjoy the spanking itself!

Let me try to explain what I mean using one example where I'm drastically different from many others in our scene: My relationship to domestic discipline. Real life domestic discipline and punishments are very common among kinksters and kinky couples. And spankings for real life offences are the most obvious example for scenarios in which the bottom has a love/hate relationship with spanking. Bottoms who take the DD lifestyle seriously definitely don't enjoy the CP that goes along with it. On the contrary, the spanking is feared in this case. But still they get something out of it in the end. It might be the feeling of being cared for, the relief that comes with forgiveness or an improvement of their behaviour.

However, my relationship with Ludwig and our kinky play work very differently. I became aware of that when reading another two posts, one being written by Bogey from “Our Bottoms Burn” and one from Poppy. Bogey's post titled How We Do It is about the spanking play he and his wife Bacall enjoy. Bogey points out that the majority of spanking blogs he has discovered deal with one form of domestic discipline or another. He and Bacall however only play for fun and sexual pleasure. Bogey developed the theory that this is the reason why, unlike many other couples, the two of them can switch roles.

I had put up the same theory about Ludwig's and my relationship in a comment I had written on Poppy's post From Top To Bottom. Under this title Poppy explained why it is important for her that her partner Devlin doesn't switch. As she put it: I don’t understand switching. (Not the use of a switch which I think is just mean and horrid but rather the swapping from Top to bottom and back again.) I think switching is neither right nor wrong, but a way of doing and being that I find it hard to understand. I think that may be because for me being spanked and told off is a way I live, and I need to see the Top in my life as being in charge of me. We have an intense relationship. I don’t want to think of him being spanked because that would reduce my trust in him. Is that silly? I don’t think so because I want to look up to him all the time. I don’t think he is perfect and I know he makes mistakes, but I do not want him to be accountable like I am accountable. The thought of him being told off, let alone the physical aspect of it, makes me shudder and turns me off utterly. I do not know why that is but I feel it deeply. […] If my lover switched I would hate it for many reasons. I think I would feel too far below the bottom of the pile. I do not want to be a bottom’s bottom. I feel too emotional about it. I like the linear structure of the relationship. I like the faux traditionalism, the “father knows best” aspect of it. I like that he is stronger than I am and taller. I like that he always wins; that gives me tremendous comfort, and the idea of losing that makes me feel sad.

I realised that my relationship with Ludwig is very different and wrote: I’m a bottom and I started to explore my kink about 1 1/2 years ago. But from the beginning I assumed that there might be something else as well. A few weeks ago I made my first experience with topping (with my partner Ludwig on the receiving end) and for me it was a great experience. Now, first of all, Ludwig and I don’t live in any kind of DD relationship. I always wanted a partner who is eye-to-eye, I wasn’t looking for someone who would look after me, just someone who wanted mutual care. Luckily, Ludwig was looking for an equal partner, too. Of course he holds me tight when I’m sad and he cares for me, but I do the same for him and it doesn’t mean that I’m constantly looking up to him (I often look up to him because he has some abilities I don’t have, but I think it’s the same vice versa). What made me look up to him when we played for the first time, though, was the fact that, despite of being a top, Ludwig had made several experiences as a bottom in order to find out how a spanking feels like. I’m not talking about submissive experiences, I’m talking about severe spankings to see how it feels and to learn more about the bottom side. I’m very much into heroine scenarios and the fact that Ludwig had taken even harder spankings than the ones he dishes out made me feel like he was very experienced, safe to play with and that he had the “right” to dish out spankings like that because he knew what it meant. […]

Ludwig doesn’t switch very often and that is completely okay for me. But the fact that he had done it was very important for me when we started to play. As a matter of fact I think I would have a problem to submit to a spanking (at least a severe one) from someone who hasn’t experienced it him- or herself. Ludwig had lost a football bet long before we met and we decided that I should take part in the resulting clip with him as a bottom. So I flogged him together with Leia-Ann Woods. Ludwig had never done a scene with two tops and was interested to see how it feels like. It turned out to be a great experience for me! I obviously have a top side (I think especially concerning scenes in film clips), although I still believe that in our relationship I’m going to remain 95 per cent bottom. And I have even more respect for Ludwig now, because he showed the reactions I’m longing for in my “heroine” fantasies as well. He was very brave and took the spanking with a lot of dignity. That was wonderful to watch and made him a role model for me once again.

These two posts and the thought fodder they provided reminded me that I'm definitely not craving any kind of domestic discipline in my relationship with Ludwig. I'm an adult woman and I don't want my partner to hold me accountable for anything! As a matter of fact, I expect Ludwig to love me despite of any probable lapses on my behalf and without having to make up for them by facing any consequences. I don't believe in the effectiveness of spanking as an educational instrument, I totally disapprove of any kind of CP in the education of children and I don't think that an adult woman has to be educated by her partner at all. By saying this I don't want to hurt the feelings of those among you who are into real life DD. I'm just talking about my point of view about my own partnership here. Of course everyone can live the lifestyle that works for them and makes them happy! For me, however, the only way of dealing with situations in which one partner (usually unintentionally) hurt the other is talking it through, apologizing if appropriate and finding better ways of treating each other in the future. Because that's the adult way. And unintended mistakes do happen within a love relationship! If they don't, it either means that the partners match each other perfectly or have clairvoyant abilities or, and I think that's the most realistic explanation, they don't really care about each other any more and both live their own separate lives.

And concerning the things which I should or shouldn't do for my own sake? Well, of course, Ludwig tells me when he is of the opinion that I should or shouldn't do the one or other thing, for example for health reasons. I learn a lot from him and the different way in which he deals with certain things. But I'm an adult which means I can decide whether I want or don't want to follow Ludwig's advice. As Ludwig would tell you, I usually don't, but to my defence I would like to point out that he doesn't usually follow my advice, either! Of course that means that I'm fully responsible for my own behaviour and for taking care of my health, duties and so on, and that I can't rely on Ludwig for that purpose. Which is fine for me. It's the price of being an independent, self-reliant adult.

Why am I discussing that topic in such a great detail? Because when I wrote down my thoughts about domestic discipline it once again became clear to me how important my self-reliance on the one hand and being loved without having to prove anything on the other hand are for me. What's behind it is the fact that I am the one who usually sets herself under pressure well enough. I am the one who believed for a long time that I am valuable only as long as I don't make any mistakes and perform extraordinarily well. I am the one who is likely to feel guilty in case I can't meet my own high expectations or any expectations others might have. So, the last thing I need in my partnership and my spanking play is a second person who holds me accountable, scolds me for mistakes and makes me pay for them in order to earn forgiveness. Then the spanking would only add to my unhealthy behaviour and the resulting fears and negative experiences instead of helping me to overcome all that in order to be a happier and stronger adult.

As a matter of fact I need someone who shows me how to loosen up a bit, someone who reassures me that it is normal to make mistakes and that I should grow from them but don't have to feel guilty about them. So, I know that, given how I am wired, using my kink for disciplinary purposes and relief from guilt would be dangerous for me and my relationship with Ludwig. Not only would I hate the spanking itself, I would not even feel better afterwards. I want spankings to make me feel good, to be a positive experience. Not only in the end, but also in the process. I want my kink to provide me with a happy little universe that stands against the negative things and the fears I experience in real life. No surrounding outcome could be high enough to outweigh the negative feeling that letting me being spanked up to a point were I really hate it would generate. That's why I stick to Zille's advice concerning real life DD: If you hate it, don't do it!

Okay, so far we know that I crave a love/love relationship with spanking and that real life punishments don't work for me because they wouldn't give me the kind of empowerment for my adult life I'm obviously looking for. But which kind of play does work and how does it work? And what does that say about other aspects of my personality? Those are the questions I would like to look at in my next two posts.
[To be continued...]