My Kinky Therapy

In my posts Therapy? and Speculative Questions, I asked whether kink can be used as a kind of “self-therapy” (in quotation marks; I don't want to imply that spanking can substitute any real therapy in case of serious mental issues). I told you that in my opinion my own kinky fantasies and my kinky life provide that kind of therapy and that I would write about my own experiences in a separate post. It has taken a while but here it finally is.

I have written about my fantasies and the goes and no-goes before. So, I'm going to keep this aspect short today and only focus on the question how these fantasies and my kinky activities are connected to my real-life experiences and in how far they improve my well-being.


Empowerment and self-trust:

The heroine fantasies surely are some of the oldest fantasies I have. They don't even have to be connected with kink, but they can be. I'm very sure that I have developed these fantasies because I often didn't feel very strong and self-confident. I always was very ambitious and I knew that I could achieve the things I dreamed of by working hard. But every time a new challenge turned up, my initial hypothesis was that I couldn't do it. This did not keep me from trying, but always having to prove that my null-hypothesis was wrong cost me a lot of energy. That is why I often dreamed of being a heroine, someone who strongly believed in herself and always knew that she would find a way to make things happen.

My self-confidence and self-trust have improved, but I'm still an emotional human being and can easily be scared or hurt. I've come to terms with my emotions and even see them as something positive now, but still the fantasy of the tough woman who takes new challenges without stomachaches holds a big appeal for me. And I love to make that experience in my kinky play when I take the challenge of a severe spanking. That is why surviving isn't enough for me. Surviving is what I always did in my real life. Feeling strong throughout the challenge is what I was always longing for.

Leading and playing with the big boys:

The idea of someone trusting me enough to allow me to lead them has gained more and more appeal during the recent years. This is a big part of my topping fantasies. The idea of being allowed to lead someone who is normally used to be a leader himself (or herself) is one that holds a special attraction. Even as a child and teenager, I always wanted to play with the big boys. Which is one reason why the idea of topping Ludwig has such a special appeal for me. He is predominantly a top and is very picky on the rare occasions when he switches. The experience of him giving himself to me as a bottom therefore is a very empowering one, one that gives me strength for my day-to-day life as well.

Feeling, not thinking:

I am an INTJ, which means that I tend to plan and organize a lot. And I tend to follow my reason more often than my gut feeling. I've learned to trust my feelings more and more in the recent years and to take care that my rational plans and my emotions are consistent. But still it is very rare for me to stop thinking and focus on my feelings only. In my sexual play with Ludwig, though, I can let go and focus completely on the sensations, knowing that he will do only things to me which I enjoy, like in the scene which I described recently. The kinky tools that help me the most to give up control are restraints and blindfolds. They allow me to feel safe and to focus completely on myself and my feelings even while interacting with Ludwig. This form of play provides a wonderful time-out from real-life issues and organisational tasks and helps me to recharge my batteries. Cuddling and being tickled have a similar effect, by the way.

Feeling safe:

Since my mum died, I'm very aware of the fact that we can lose anyone we love at any time, and that no-one can be there for us or protect us forever. Ludwig loves me, and he is there for me and takes care of me as well as he can. But we are equal partners and of course there are many things in my life as an adult that he can't take away from me and which I have to do myself or have to go through myself. I wouldn't want it any other way between us, anyway!

But when I'm lying in bed alone, I often have the desire to feel as safe as a child again. That's when I indulge myself in my naval cadet fantasies. I'm only an observer in these fantasies (for I can't see myself as a child anymore), but I can go into the mindsets of the different characters. It's always the same universe with the same characters and the same kinds of scenarios which I fantasize about. This way my kinky fantasies are like a good-night ritual.

And fantasy figures have one great advantage: They don't get old, they don't get ill, they don't die. As long as I live they will be there. And so my little navy universe allows me to let go and feel aroused and safe at the same time when I fall asleep.

Letting out my inner geek:

I've been a geek my whole life. But at school, being a geek wasn't cool. I also always liked to write stories and to discuss aspects of life that interested me, for instance, how human beings act and why. I also love to have an audience, hopefully inspire them with my thoughts and get back their ideas in return. That's what I do when I'm blogging. I don't pretend to be someone else here, but somehow, being a geek is okay in our community. It can even be cool. And that is a wonderful feeling. I can sort out my own thoughts when writing blog posts and at the same time let out my inner geek for everyone to see.

Feeling sexy:

I never considered myself to be very female, let alone sexy! I was the grey mouse who watched Star Trek, wore clothes with teddy bears instead of sexy miniskirts and read books. Being in a relationship with a man who loves me and finds me sexy as well as living out my sexual desires has given me a completely new image of myself and of my body. What was equally important for that development, though, was making and posting sexy pictures. It is almost impossible to evaluate how much the pictures have increased my self-confidence.

I used to find myself unattractive on photos, even on holiday pictures or the like. When Ludwig and I made or first sexy photo-shoot with our friends Neil and Eileen, looking at the results struck me like thunder. For the first time in my life I found myself sexy on a photo! Emma Jane has recently written a great post about that topic titled Beautifully me. I can only second her descriptions of what the photo-making can change. Today I also like many vanilla pictures of myself. And I love to dress up from time to time, for instance, for the Shadow Lane party. I still like teddies, by the way, but I think that on the right pyjama, they can even be sexy in their own way.

Being creative:

There are different kinky activities which allow me to live out my creativity. The preparation of private scenes, the blog writing, scene ideas for kinky pictures and last but not least filming clips. Like the pictures, the clips make me feel sexy. But I enjoy the creative process, developing storylines, finding the most beautiful camera angles and finally composing a clip out of the pieces of footage even more than anything else. That's why I prefer to participate in film-making projects that give me as much creative freedom as possible.

I also like to play different characters in front of the camera. It allows me to go into different mindsets and to play around with character traits which I wouldn't ever let out in real life because they are socially unwanted. I can be angry, I can be cold, and all that without having to be afraid of hurting anyone, because it is all just part of a storyline.

And I love to be behind the camera. At Pandora's last shoot for the SM Circus, I had the opportunity to be behind the camera, and it was a wonderful experience! Art always was one of my worst subjects at school. I never thought that I had any feeling for pictures. Now finding the most beautiful and unusual perspectives for photos and camera angles in clips is something that gives me a lot of satisfaction and lets me see the world with new eyes.


As you can see, my various kinky activities and the experience of living out my kinky fantasies have given me a lot of self-confidence. My fantasies and my kinky experiences allow me to be how I always wanted to be, to do things which I never thought I'd be able to do and to feel safe and strong. And all that without having to neglect who I am and having to pretend to be someone else. Therefore my kink makes me feel happier, which I think is the best possible outcome any therapy can achieve!