"What Have I Done Wrong?"

Thank you all for your kind comments on Ludwig's Semi-Hiatus post! As most of you might already know, I love contributions made by our dear readers and I was very happy when I recently realised that the some of the discussions in the comment section of this blog are not only between the readers and us any more, but also among the readers themselves. So, your call for shorter posts that offer a ground for more exchange of thoughts between our readers does not go unheard. Of course, I am counting on you to join in the discussion and to share your thoughts in the comment section!

I'm not only going to ask a random question, though. Instead, I'm going to tell you a little story that raised some questions which I would like to pass on to you:

As I already told you in my post Does Your Mother Know?, I have been very open about my kink once I started exploring the world of spanking. Consequently, many of my friends and several of my family members know about my kinkiness. Both Ludwig and I also came out to our parents because we wanted them to know, even though we had of course no obligation to do so. The overall reactions of friends and family members were very positive, even from those who could not imagine how it must be to have an erotic fetish. My mum even actively supported my exploration, for example by buying me a singing bowl as a gift for Ludwig's and my first-ever play.

But Ludwig and I both also came across that one question which many parents who learn about their children's kinks for the first time might ask: “What have I done wrong?” I think it is a question that can come up irrespective of the child's age. Ludwig and I were both adults when we started exploring our kink and told our parents about it, but we were of course still our parents' children! Now, one might say that the question per se is a sign of prejudice and of a lack of acceptance of different forms of sexuality. I wouldn't interpret that question in such a negative way, though.

First of all, BDSM is unusual in the sense that it only applies to a statistical minority of people. Secondly, spankos derive pleasure (in one way or another) from something that is usually seen as unpleasant and as something that should be avoided – pain. So, I find it quite understandable that parents might ask why their child has developed an erotic desire to administer and / or receive pain. To my mind, the question “What have I done wrong?” only shows that a parent who can't relate to erotic kink cares about the child and wants to make sure that the unusual erotic fetish wasn't caused by any negative childhood experiences.

I can imagine that there might also be a lot of strange thoughts rushing through a parent's mind, depending on the gender constellation and the child's kink. For example, the father of a heterosexual woman who defines herself as a bottom might worry about not having given her enough self-confidence, so that she finally fell prey to a man who controls and beats her. The mother of a heterosexual man who sees himself as a top might worry about having been too strict with him, causing a desire to hurt and control women. I guess you can find similar potential worries for every possible combination (male, female, top, bottom). Of course, none of these worries is justified for the average kinkster, but I think that it is absolutely understandable that fears like these might arise when parents are confronted with their child's kinkiness for the very first time.

I think the least fears might be caused if a child admits to being a switch, because in that case, there doesn't seem to be a one-sided desire to give or receive pain and it becomes easier to understand that it is all about fantasies and sexual desires, not about issues of hatred or a lack of self-confidence. That's why I emphasized on being a switch when I was confronted with fears and the question what my kink was all about.

Answering the question about the origin of my kinkiness was much more difficult, though. I think I'm pretty well aware of where many of my kinky fantasies come from and what I get out of them. But I don't really know why I am / have become kinky in the first place. All I know is that I had kinky fantasies long before I knew about BDSM and erotic spanking.

So, my answer was that I didn't know why I was kinky, but that I assumed that it had something to do with either a genetic predisposition or very early childhood experiences. I compared kinkiness to homosexuality and explained that no matter how it was caused, it surely didn't have anything to do with anything my parents had done wrong. And that is what I really believe. Actually, I'm convinced that my parents did a lot of things which enabled me to live the happy kinky life I'm living today.

To my mind, my parents could have done a lot of things wrong which might then have turned my life as a kinkster into misery. For instance, they could have told me that sexuality is something dirty or evil. They could have taught me that one shouldn't talk about sexual desires. They could have given me the impression that they only love me if I'm “normal”. Or they could have subjected me to real-life CP which might have made it impossible (or at least much more difficult) for me to enjoy CP in a consensual, kinky context.

My parents did none of these things. Instead, they always gave me the feeling that I could talk to them about everything that moved me, even if they should have problems understanding it. They taught me that sexuality was something positive, something that belonged to people who care about and love each other and something one can talk about without having to be ashamed. Consequently, I very rarely struggled with my kink and I am today able to live out my sexual desires without any shame or fear.

I don't know whether I was able to explain all these thoughts that clearly when the question of “What have I done wrong?” came up. I guess I didn't. But I hope that I managed to clarify that the fear of having done anything wrong was unfounded.

Nonetheless the question “Why am I kinky?” is still unsolved for me. This question usually doesn't bother me too much, because I don't see my kinkiness as positive or negative per se. To my mind, it all depends on how someone deals with and lives out their kinky desires (or how someone feels without putting these desires into practical play). That's why the question of how kink works for others and for me has always been much more important for me than the question about the origin of kink.

Still, it remains of course an interesting field for further thoughts, especially in combination with the question of events that might have triggered this special sexual desire. I don't think that we have enough knowledge to answer the question about the origin of kink, but I asked myself whether it would change anything for me if one explanation or another turned out to be true. More precisely: Would I see my kink more negatively if it turned out that kinkiness were triggered by negative (early childhood) experiences?

I'm not necessarily talking about negative experiences that are anyone's fault. For instance, some psychologists believe that complications during birth can have a strong influence on people. My birth and the first weeks of my life didn't really run very smoothly. So, what if these negative experiences made me a spanko? Would that make my kink a negative thing?

My sense of reason says no. Just because something is caused by a negative experience doesn't mean that that something has to be negative as well. For example, having been involved in a life-threatening accident can make someone live a more mindful life. I'm not so sure about my emotional response, though. Would a revelation like that really not touch my feelings towards my kink at all? I can't tell you for sure.

So, how about you? Have you ever asked yourself about the origin of your kink or have others ever asked you about it? What do you think about this question? Do you find it interesting, unimportant or perhaps even annoying? And what if kink were caused by negative experiences? Would a revelation like that change your feelings towards your kink? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

PS New commenters are always welcome! The more different the ideas and the more lively the discussion, the more interesting the whole thing gets for all of us. No matter how experienced you are - complete newbie or spanking veteran - you are all welcome. No one is going to bite you, I promise!

A Semi-Hiatus Announcement

As you undoubtedly noticed, the blog has been less active than usual these last few months, with the number of monthly posts slowly declining from five (May) to four (June) to three (July). Kaelah and I have been very busy, and while Kaelah was able to keep the blog somewhat alive at least, I have not done a post since June 20th.

The outlook is that it will only get worse for us in the near future, in terms of being really, monumentally busy. So I think the time has come to make an official semi-hiatus announcement. "Semi-hiatus" meaning that, hopefully, we will not cease making updates altogether, but that the blog will definitely and officially be on the backburner until the end of October. We will try to write a new little post whenever we can, but we don't want to make promises we might not be able to keep, so we are not committing ourselves to anything - until the end of October, you might get three posts per month, or more, or maybe just one. We don't know yet.

We just wanted to let you gals and guys know what is going on. The good news in all this is that the cause is not lack of motivation or lack of ideas. Actually, I have more items on my idea list for the blog than ever, and while I have had phases of burnout like every blogger, right now I would love nothing more than to have more time available so that I can go back to writing something every couple of days, like in the good old times. It is the same with Kaelah. The reason for the recent lack of posts is really just a lack of time. Once Kaelah and I finish some of our current work and clear our schedule a bit, the blog will be back to normal.

It's not like there wouldn't be anything to write about, either. Before we go on our semi-hiatus, I would like to quickly bring you up to speed on recent events: Kaelah and I just came back from a shoot with SM-Circus and Pandora Blake. Pandora and the pet-fanatical Germans are dear friends, and having worked with all of them before, it was a very cheerful, laid-back experience. Kaelah and I did a cameo, playing the owners of petgirl Pandora. While the Herr Direktor and I went to have a beer, Kaelah ended up getting assaulted and spanked on her bare bottom by two vengeful, out-of-control petgirls. Such are the disadvantages of being a teatotaller, I suppose. It was a fun little scene. Pandora already wrote about her latest circus visit on her blog, and we will post a proper report about it as well when we finally have some time.

We also attended the "BDSM Day" organised by the Bundesvereinigung Sadomasochismus e.V., a German lobby group aiming to educate people about BDSM, fight against prejudice and help kinksters who become victims of discrimination. I did a video interview with Pandora about the politics of BDSM, the legal situation in the UK, fair trade porn, and so forth. It will find its way on the web eventually and we will let you know about it once it does.

Last but not least, Pandora brought Kaelah and me a copy of the raw footage from the severe caning scene we filmed for her upcoming site. It was very exciting to take a peek. As you probably know already, Pandora is currently looking at a launch date in November. Personally, I can't wait to see the site go live. The CP video scene of today could use an injection of new energy and fresh new ideas, and Pandora's site will most certainly be that.

So much for recent events. Now, first of all, Kaelah and I are going on a holiday trip. We can really use one after the frantic schedule of the last few months and before inevitably going back to the same frantic schedule again. But, even on our holiday, we will not completely stop collecting data for the blog: we are going to the annual Shadow Lane Party for the first time and do, of course, plan to write about it. However, no promises yet as to when and how much, exactly. We might be able to already post something during the trip itself, but then again, maybe not.

All bets are off until the end of October. But do keep looking in every now and then, to see how the semi-hiatus unfolds. We will do what we can.

A Miracle Whip?

Magical stories are a wonderful inspiration for kinky fantasies. The Male-Male Spanking Archive, for instance, features more than 300 Harry Potter-themed stories. The great thing about magic fantasy worlds is that you can have magical implements as well. But how about the real world? Ludwig surely thought that I must have been shopping at Diagon Alley when he recently took a closer look at one of my receipts.

“What's that?” he asked me, his voice showing curiosity. “What do you mean?” - “I'm talking about this item you've bought here, young lady, a MIRACLE WHIP.” Ludwig looked at me expectantly. I smiled. “I'm sorry to disappoint you, honey, but this is a supermarket receipt and they don't sell the kind of whips you have in mind.” Actually, they don't sell any kinky items at all, except for pervertibles like hair brushes, belts or wooden spoons. “And”, I added, “two Euros would be very cheap for a real miracle whip, right?”

“Okay, what is it then?” Ludwig asked, “I already assumed that it isn't anything kinky, but I've really never heard about it.” “It's a salad cream which I use for potato and noodle salads”, I explained and brought him the still half-full jar from the refrigerator.

Well, I have to admit, I would have preferred to show Ludwig a kink-suitable miracle whip instead of Miracel Whip cream (they obviously don't even know how to spell the word miracle correctly). How would that implement look like, though? And what would it be able to do that ordinary whips can't do?

However, this little episode taught me two important lessons: 1.) My mate is indeed the kinky like-minded spirit I had always been looking for. 2.) I should invite him more often to shared cooking experiences...

Kaelah's Corner (Jul 2011): Mirror Mirror

In my Kaelah's Corner post Therapy? and the follow-up post Speculative Questions I asked the rather controversial questions whether therapeutic effects explain a (smaller or bigger) part of our spanking fantasies and kinky relationships. Both posts led to a very lively discussion in the comment section. Among other things, the question came up whether it is possible to speculate about other people's experiences and motives at all and whether there is an inherent risk of being judgemental and spreading prejudices.

I absolutely agree that it is usually very difficult to know what's behind the surface. What are the motives and drives for someone's kinky fantasies? How does the dynamic of a particular kinky couple really work? As Abel's comment showed, for instance, visible factors like age differences don't necessarily tell us anything about the power dynamics in a kinky relationship. I also think that our points of view towards different forms of play and relationships depend on our personal experiences, desires and fears, and therefore can be prejudiced.

But for me that doesn't mean that one shouldn't explore these topics. On the contrary, from my point of view it calls for a more intense analysis, for a closer look both into the mirror and into the world. Which prejudices do I have? Where do they come from? And are these prejudices completely unfounded or not?

A big part of the discussion on the Therapy? post was centred around the topic of kinky relationships and especially relationships which involve a unidirectional power dynamics. I thought a lot about my own opinion about these kinds of kinky relationships and came to the conclusion that I am indeed prejudiced against them. So, I would like to take a closer look at this topic today.

I want to begin with a more detailed definition of what I mean when I'm talking about a “unidirectional power dynamics”. First of all, I'm not talking about role-play, where one person is always the top and the other always the bottom. I'm talking about relationships in which both partners have clearly defined roles which are (more or less) permanently valid, also beyond kink. Secondly, these roles have to be designed in a way that assigns one partner with a leading responsibility while the other partner has a responsibility to follow their partner's advice and/or certain rules which have been agreed upon. And third, the leading partner holds the following partner accountable for misdeeds.

Of course, Annapurna was absolutely right when he said that there are vanilla relationships with a power imbalance as well! As a matter of fact, the reason why I personally never ever want to live in a partnership with such a power dynamics and why I have such a negative gut feeling towards this form of relationship is that I have seen negative examples in vanilla partnerships, especially in the generation of my parents and grandparents.

Luckily, there were other examples even in my grandparents' generation as well. While my grandfather and grandmother on one side of the family lived the “classical” life of working man and housewife, there never was a unidirectional power dynamics between them. When my grandmother unexpectedly got very ill, my grandfather took over at home and cared for her for many years until she passed away. He also was the one who cooked when I visited my grandparents as a child.

I've seen women, though, who were not only emotionally dependent on their partners, but who also depended on them financially. These women couldn't leave their husbands even if the relationship developed in a bad direction, because they neither had the financial background nor the self-confidence to lead a self-dependent life. And there were some people, women as well as men, who were completely helpless when their partner became ill or, even worse, died. The women because some of them didn't even know how a simple bank transfer worked and the men because some of them didn't know how to cook the most simple meal or how to switch on the washing machine.

So, this is where my prejudices against relationships with a power imbalance come from. The question is, do the risks and possible negative outcomes which I have observed in the vanilla world apply to kinky relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics as well?

In the discussion on my post Therapy?, the question was raised whether bottoms who are living in such a relationship would be helpless without their partner. I don't think that most of the people who are engaged in a kinky partnership with a unidirectional power dynamics would be unable to care for themselves if they hadn't got their partner. But I'm of the opinion that the relationship makes life easier, which can be a good thing but also a bad thing, depending on how the people involved really use their relationship. From my point of view there can be two general ways of using a unidirectional power dynamics in a kinky relationship:

If "girls" / "boys" / submissives use the relationship to grow from it and to build up self-confidence through the knowledge that they have a daddy / mummy / master / mistress or HOH who loves and bolsters them, I consider that to be a good thing. And if the top gets something out of helping her or his partner to grow, I think that's a good thing as well.

There is another possible way of using that kind of power dynamics, though, and that is the form that comes close to what I have experienced in the vanilla world and feel highly uncomfortable about. What I'm talking about is the combination of a bottom who doesn't want to grow up at all and a top who doesn't want a grown-up, equal partner, either. To my mind, this form of relationship is very unhealthy and can lead to quite horrible situations similar to the ones I've described above. I assume that this is also the form of relationship Bogey (of Our Bottoms Burn) had in mind when he admitted to having prejudices against daddy - girl relationships.

I'm not sure how many kinky relationships are that extreme, though. That's why I'm more careful with being judgemental about kinky relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics in general. But some of the relationships I know about in our community seem to fall somewhere in between the two forms of relationships which I have described, and I think that some of them show a worrying tendency towards the latter, potentially unhealthy form.

Interestingly, there seem to be other people out there who have made similar observations of what they consider unhealthy kinky relationships. While Bogey and, to a certain extent, Georgia openly admitted to having negative gut feelings towards kinky relationships with a permanent power imbalance, private feedback showed that there seem to be more people who have made experiences with relationships of this form which they found problematic. But they would rather talk about it in private than in public.

Obviously, there is a fear of generalising and of hurting people when talking openly about this subject. But while I absolutely agree that one must be careful not to make generalisations and not to judge others based on isolated experiences or mere gut feelings (this isn't about judging people, it's a critical discussion about lifestyle choices, anyway), I find it a bit sad that a completely open and honest discussion about this topic doesn't seem to be possible in our community. And I have to admit that it also leaves me with the feeling that there might be some truth to the assumption that there is not only a fair number of relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics in our community, but that a certain percentage of them really constitutes the potentially unhealthy kind which can prevent people from growing instead of helping them to grow.

Just to make that clear, I'm only talking about my personal opinion towards certain aspects here and the question of how I evaluate a certain way of life. Growth and self-reliance are very important to me (for me they are essential parts of life as a responsible adult) and I prefer to be among people who stand up for themselves.

But others might have very different needs than I have and everyone is of course entitled to their own lifestyle! However someone chooses to live their life or not, and regardless of how happy or unhappy it makes them or how well it works or doesn't work for them - it is their own decision and I wouldn't want to tell anyone how to live their life as long as their choices don't affect me.

That being said, I do take the freedom to voice critical thoughts about possible pros and cons of different lifestyles, in a careful and respectful way. And I sometimes wish that there would be more open and controversial discussions out there in our community, because I think we can learn from them. Even if it's just gaining a better understanding of our personal prejudices and where they are coming from. To my mind open discussions usually do more than that - they can lead to more balanced opinions and the reduction of generalized prejudices. As long as the participants of the discussion listen to each other, that is.

Of course there is a certain point where people shouldn't be allowed to do whatever they want to do, though. In her comment on my Therapy? post, Indy raised the question how often kink is used to cover real abuse. I think that there can indeed be a very thin line between consensual kinky play and situations where someone doesn't really have the freedom of choice that is a necessary precondition for consent. But that is an important topic of its own which clearly deserves a separate post.

Mastering The Cane

(Unfortunately I can't post pictures from the

original scene. This was my outfit, though.)

In my last post Mind Going Blank I wrote about a recent scene that didn't go as planned due to me having been in a rather angry and moody state of mind. Of course these things can happen when strong emotions are taking over during a scene. I don't know about your experiences, but being in an emotional state can also be a driver that makes me crave spanking and sex, though. So, being in a rather emotional mindset can have its positive sides as well. To my mind it is a matter of how strong these emotions are. When I'm in a completely moody state or the stress factor is really high, my desire for kinky play and sex decreases. As long as the stress and the emotions are still manageable, though, they can lead to an even bigger desire for spanking and sexual pleasure than usual.

Depending on the situation and the mood I'm in, the cravings can be very diverse. Sometimes I simply long for diving deeply into the joys of pure sexual pleasure. At other times I crave a sensual stress relief spanking. Or I just want to give up control for a little while and focus on what Ludwig does to me and the images it creates in my head.

This time it was different, though. This time I was in the mood for taking over control, for being on top. I'm not sure whether my toppy mood had something to do with the fact that my own pain threshold was so low that it was difficult to play on the bottom side. I assume that it had something to do with the anger that was brewing inside me beyond the surface and the feeling of not being in control of the things that determined my current life. What I sought was a positive counter-experience. Ludwig told me that being slightly angry or annoyed can put him in a very toppy mood, as long as the emotions aren't too strong (if you are really angry, you should not top, obviously). The same seems to be true for me.

I had been teasing Ludwig the whole weekend, slapping and squeezing his bottom whenever I got the chance to do so. Now, as you all know, Ludwig is predominantly a top who only switches on rare occasions. But when I'm in a genuinely toppy mood, the idea of bottoming sometimes develops a certain appeal for Ludwig as well. Which was exactly what happened this time. So, he agreed to take a severe 20 strokes caning from me, simply to let me practice the wielding of that implement.

I only had the chance to cane Ludwig once, so far. At that time my technique only allowed me a medium high severity level, not because of the accuracy (which was always fine) but because I only managed to reach a certain maximum velocity. Since then I had practised a lot, though, and changed my technique so that it enabled me to hit harder.

For video clips Ludwig has been caned twice, one time by Niki Flynn and a second time by Leia-Ann Woods. When we shot the football bet clip with Leia-Ann, Ludwig and I agreed that I would only be her co-top for the back-whipping and not for the caning, because I wasn't experienced enough with the cane. Ludwig thinks about doing one last very severe caning on camera, though, and as you can imagine, I want to be the one who administers it. But, since we usually don't play with others and since Ludwig doesn't want to switch regularly, I won't get the chance to practise very often. Which means that my only chance is to be a fast learner.

So, when Ludwig agreed on letting me cane him, this was my chance to see whether I could do it. Pandora wrote a wonderful post about a shoot for Spanked in Uniform in which she got to cane the beautiful Amelia-Jane Rutherford. In that post Pandora wrote about the experience of wielding the cane: Topping or bottoming, I’m confident with the cane. […] That confidence carries over when I’m the one wielding it. I love practising my skills, the rush of delight at a stroke well delivered. It feels a bit like showing off, but in the best possible way.

Even though I'm not as confident with the cane as Pandora when I'm on the receiving end, it is my number one choice as a top. Two important reasons for that are the elegance of the cane and the beautiful marks that it produces, the main reasons why I like being caned as well, even though I don't like the kind of pain that canes produce. Another important reason is that a cane needs skill to be wielded accurately and the idea of mastering this difficult implement and being a safe caner is a very attractive and powerful one. Last but not least, the cane is Ludwig's number one implement of choice, on the giving as well as on the receiving end. And that increases the appeal of using it on him even more.

I refrained from topping Ludwig as long as I didn't feel relaxed enough, but after we had talked a lot of things through on that weekend and my emotions had calmed down, I reminded him of his offer. I knew exactly how I wanted Ludwig to be positioned during the spanking and prepared the room accordingly. Knowing that this would be a rare opportunity, I also decided to set up a camera for a private little clip. Unfortunately I had only one camera available, so I decided for a perspective that would allow me to see the developing marks as well as at least Ludwig's physical reactions and to analyse my caning technique.

I hadn't practised for a while and so I did a few test strokes. I didn't have much space but it worked. The sound of the cane striking my training blanket echoed through the room and I was quite happy with my accuracy as well. But the question remained: Would I be self-confident and accurate enough to administer a severe but safe caning to Ludwig? For some reason I didn't really doubt that and so I went to the bedroom in order to change into fitting clothes for the scene.

Then I called Ludwig and told him to take a position on all fours over the whipping bench, completely naked. He did as he was told. I caressed his back and then took my position on his left. I took a safe stand, aimed, drew back my arm and the first stroke landed on Ludwig's bottom with a crack. The stroke was on target. And it elicited a nice, very restrained by still audible reaction from Ludwig. A second stroke followed. Both strokes hadn't been soft, but not too severe, either. The third one was harder. I took a look at the first results of my handiwork. Three accurate lines so far. The last one ended a little bit closer to Ludwig's right hip than the previous two because of the higher velocity. I decided to take a little step back, not wanting the strokes to wrap around Ludwig's hip.

And then I laid down stroke after stroke, taking a break from time to time in order to admire my handiwork. Some of the next strokes went a bit high. They were still on Ludwig's bottom, which was why I thought at first that they were still on target. But they had landed on the upper part of Ludwig's bottom, which involved a theoretical risk of hitting the spine, at least in the position Ludwig had taken. Not one of them caused any unintended damage, but after Ludwig's feedback I decided to aim a bit lower. I didn't want to hit the legs, but it was still better to take the risk of hitting too low than taking the risk of hitting too high.

Since the scene was designed as a training session, I didn't do much in terms of psychological topping. But I tried several little things like varying the speed and teasing Ludwig that it was his own fault that the caning was more severe than the previous one he had received from me, since it had been him who had told me to practise. Watching stripe after stripe appear on Ludwig's bottom was a wonderful and satisfying experience. And I enjoyed his beautiful reactions. They were restrained but still visible and audible. It was obvious that Ludwig was indeed feeling the strokes and that they challenged him, though he stayed of course on top.

After an especially hard last stroke the caning was over. When I inspected the marks, running my fingers over the welts on Ludwig's bottom, I felt very happy. The marks were beautiful and the feeling of being able to administer a caning at such a severity level so accurately and safely was very satisfying. I know that I'm a very lucky woman, having a partner who from time to time sacrifices his bottom for me. Ludwig didn't enjoy the pain of the caning itself, but I hope that he can appreciate the resulting pictures and our private little clip at least half as much as I do!

Mind Going Blank

My last long weekend with Ludwig featured a lot more spanking action than usual. Unfortunately, I am in a quite vulnerable and aggressive mood at the moment, having a lot of dark and scary thoughts on my mind. In addition to that, or maybe because of that, my pain threshold is very low as well. And so, two out of three scenes sadly didn't go all that well.

I am going to tell you about one of them today. This is a highly emotional and very personal account. I'm curious to hear about your experiences and thoughts, but please be careful with uttering judgements. I think it is wrong to create the impression that spanking play always goes smoothly, though. Sometimes there are a lot of emotions involved, sometimes one finds out during a scene that one is in the wrong mood and sometimes landmines are hit. It happens, it is part of TTWD and to my mind talking about it openly and honestly is the best way of dealing with it. So here it goes:

When the scene started, Ludwig and I had already spent some spanking-free days together and I was really looking forward to getting spanked. Ludwig and I hadn't talked about a scenario for the spanking, he just ordered me to bring him a short OTK-suitable cane and drape myself over his lap on the bed. When the short cane that I found first was the peeled one, I knew that this one would most probably feel worse than the unpeeled one we have.

I have a very ambiguous relationship with canes in general and with peeled ones in particular. Pandora wrote a wonderful post about how great a caning can be if one manages to ride the waves of pain, but how easily one can loose one's grip and drown as well. I love canes for their elegance and the accurate marks they produce. But I hate (and I mean hate, not love-hate) the stingy kind of pain which is the trademark of especially the peeled specimen. Interestingly, severity is not really the point here.

Depending on my condition and the warm-up (if there was one at all), a medium-severe caning can feel as bad as or even worse than a very severe one because the pain is even more stingy. That's why while having made several wonderful experiences with canes there have also been some where I nearly or actually drowned and didn't enjoy the scene very much. And as our more regular readers know, I'm not one of those people who love the feeling of having been caned even if they hated the caning itself. When I feel pushed beyond my limits during a scene, the bad feeling remains.

I didn't want to delay the spanking by searching for our short unpeeled cane, though, and I didn't really see a reason for avoiding the peeled one (after all, my last experience with it had been great), so I grabbed it, handed it over to Ludwig and draped myself across his knee. He started out with a hand spanking and I drifted a bit into one of my favourite fantasy characters and scenarios, a young male goody-two-shoes navy cadet being spanked by the strict but caring commander for having unintentionally broken the rules. But Ludwig had something different in mind.

One outcome of my recent mood had been that I had been very critical of Ludwig's efforts of proofreading my PhD thesis and of helping me with emotional support and suggestions on how to deal with some unexpected changes and new requirements. We are ticking quite differently in some aspects, so Ludwig's ideas of how to handle a certain situation don't always work for me. But my moody state had disabled me to tell Ludwig calmly what I needed. Instead, I had closed down and become quite aggressive. Several days earlier I had told Ludwig that we could probably use that situation for a scene in which he might be able to release some of his frustration and I might be able to let go.

I knew that this would be very thin ice, though, since I'm not into real-life DD and the idea of a spanking under the premise that Ludwig or anyone else might really think that I “deserve” it is a complete turn-off and no-go area. For me, spanking is just consensual erotic play. Nothing more and nothing less. If it can also be used for relaxation or as a kind of make-up sex that helps Ludwig and me to bond again, great. But for me, there is no such thing as a deserved spanking among adults.

Ludwig decided to take the challenge to integrate the current situation into our play, though, and started talking about my recent unkind reactions on his tries to support me. He switched to the cane. The strokes were only medium-severe, but totally unbearable for me. I wasn't prepared for this and instantly started to cry, gripping my hands into the duvet. Ludwig looked after me and suggested that it might be good for me to cry a bit and to release some pressure. At that time I agreed with him. I usually don't use spankings for a cathartic cry, but I had done so once and it had worked well.

Ludwig assumed that only a caning would enable me to cry further, that a hand spanking wasn't severe enough for that purpose. I told him that a hand spanking might work as well, once I was in the right mood (it did the last time). But he decided to stick with the cane. The feeling that this was too much for me increased and I was instantly crying again, plus wriggling and kicking. I pressed my face into the mattress and grabbed the duvet with both hands. Ludwig stopped again after a short time. I was silent, crying and not looking at him. Ludwig told me that I really had my ways of making his anger fade, that he couldn't be angry any more when he saw me like that. I answered that this hadn't be my intention at all and that I wasn't a good enough actor to do something like that on purpose.

Maybe I should have stopped the scene right at that point but I was already quite confused by now and of course I didn't want to ruin the scene or look like I wanted to back out. The thing was that I didn't cry because I felt sorry for my recent rude behaviour towards Ludwig. I cried because the spanking felt unbearable and because it brought up very dark thoughts and aggressions. I already had been in a state of anger the days before but hadn't really let it out.

Ludwig of course didn't know about the storm that was brewing and continued with the caning. He lectured me (in character but with the background that he had really been annoyed) that this might help me to remember not to be so rude to him the next time he wanted to help me. Around that point I completely lost my grip and drowned. The severity of the caning (which left only very few marks that were still visible the next day) felt completely over the top and it felt unjustified and wrong. A wave of anger, frustration and fear came up and my mind went blank. I got stiff, I was crying again, wriggling and kicking, but I neither tried to get away, nor did I say a word.

Ludwig realised that something was going wrong. He tried to remind me that using these real-life incidents as a premise for a spanking hadn't been his idea (and that therefore I didn't have to be scared that he really thought I deserved a spanking). So, he asked me whether I remembered that I had come up with that idea. I should have answered him that this was true, but that it wasn't working this way because the spanking was more than I could bear and therefore the scene felt like a real beating and not like consensual kinky make-up sex any more. I should have told him that I couldn't feel sorry for my behaviour right now because new things had come up and I was angry and scared. But my mind was completely blank and I didn't manage to answer at all. Ludwig asked me whether I had lost my voice and I silently nodded.

Still Ludwig assumed that crying would be a cathartic experience for me, since I had told him so at the beginning. A few strokes later I was crying heavily again, though, and Ludwig made a new try to find out what was wrong. He asked me whether I was afraid that he wouldn't love me any more because he had been angry, and reassured me that this wasn't the case. Unfortunately, this didn't work either, because a little voice in my head screamed: “I don't give a damn whether you are angry upon me or not because I'm f***ing angry and I'm f***ing scared because of these dark thoughts that have flooded my mind!”

After some more strokes Ludwig decided to stop. He softly touched me, having come to the conclusion that the scene didn't really work for me at that time and that care and pleasure might help me more than pain. But when he tried to caress me at more intimate places, I shook my head. Ludwig's comment that he liked that OTK cane because he was able to provoke stronger reactions with it without having to beat me severely and causing too many marks didn't lighten my mood, either. Ludwig invited me to cuddle up to him and to lay my head on his chest. I did so, but not without snapping at him that he didn't get what was going on. Ludwig became very sad: “Okay, what have I done wrong this time?”

I couldn't answer him. My mind was blank again. So, we lay there silently side-by-side for a long time. My thoughts became darker and darker, but I couldn't give a clear rational explanation of what was going on. And I was deeply scared of saying a wrong word, scared of loosing my partner when telling him about my fears and doubts, but also scared of lying to him when trying to downplay my state of mind. After a while I managed to talk about my fears about the future and how they dominated and scared me and made it nearly impossible to think clearly and to know what I felt. When Ludwig asked me whether I still loved and wanted him, I broke down, repeating again and again that I didn't want to loose him.

Ludwig held me and calmed me down and now I really felt the catharsis of having let it all out. And there was indeed also pleasure a bit later for both of us, mine including a few strokes with the riding crop which I appreciated very much.

Of course strong (and not completely unfound) fears about the future aren't something that can be solved in one day. It takes time to see where they really come from, what they tell us (because fears are a good alarm system that tells us a lot about our needs) and what course of action they imply. I had a light bulb moment a few days ago and now understand a bit better what is going on with me. That doesn't mean that (Ludwig and) I have a solution, yet, but at least the whole situation isn't so scary any more for the INTJ-me. I just wished I would already have been able to communicate my state of mind better during the spanking because then the scene might have turned out differently.

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2011): Get In The Ring

In my last post Speculative Questions I told you how important it is for me to discuss  controversial questions openly in our community and to talk not only about the positive experiences but about negative things and even prejudices as well. The important preconditions for fruitful discussions like that are of course a certain awareness of one's own prejudices and where they come from, a clear distinction between personal preferences and moral issues, and generally a careful and respectful approach when exploring controversial topics.

Originally I had planned to start such a discussion today, but a horrid example of how NOT to approach sensitive topics got in the way. In his post A rant. But justifiable, I think. Abel wrote about an article he had come across at The Independent. It is about a murder of a 13-year-old girl by a violent rapist. In court, the defense (trying to create an alternative explanation for the disappearance of the girl) questioned the father of the 13-year-old victim in detail about his sexual preferences because he possessed fetish pornography and BDSM equipment.

The author of the article, Joan Smith, justified the treatment of the victim's family, claiming: […] it is hard to see why possession of such material by the father of two teenage daughters should ever be treated as an entirely private matter. Looking at extreme pornography and acquiring restraints for use during sex are worrying behaviours, and it isn't hard to imagine circumstances – a custody battle, for example – in which they might even be interpreted as potentially abusive. Indeed, what is so extraordinary about the outpouring of sympathy for Bob Dowler [the victim's father] is that so many commentators have been willing to overlook what this might imply about his feelings towards women […]

So, every man looking at fetish porn and owning some bondage gear is probably a rapist and / or murderer? I don't think that I need to tell any of our readers what complete nonsense Ms Smith's assumptions are. But I believe that it is very important to not only write about prejudiced articles here in the kinky community where everybody agrees anyway, it is even more important to stand up against prejudiced accusations in the “vanilla world”. That's why I followed Abel's example and posted a comment in the comment section of the original article, and so did Ludwig. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Ms Smith,

the murder of a child is one of the most horrible things that one can think of. So, in my opinion, abusing an article about such a horrible and highly emotional case to spread your bigoted ideas of sexuality and raise prejudices against people who have certain sexual preferences is highly disrespectful and disgusting.

It is common scientific knowledge that being into BDSM is a sexual preference that is unusual in the sense that it applies only to a statistical minority of people, but not in any way abnormal in the sense of being sick or dangerous. Your comment on what Mr Dowler's preference for BDSM “might imply about his feelings towards women” shows that you clearly have no informed opinion about the subject at all. Your vague accusations not only defame men who are into BDSM, they are also extremely rude and patronizing towards women who live in a relationship that involves BDSM play.

I am into BDSM and I live in a very happy relationship with a like-minded partner. From my experience, BDSM play requires not only a high degree of respect, but also a very high amount of trust. Our partnership is based on equality, love, openness, honesty, respect and trust. And, before any other prejudices come up: I am a well-educated, self-reliant and independent woman with a successful professional career. So, I am in no way dependent on my partner.

Last but not least I would like to add that I'm very glad to see that Ms Smith's prejudices don't seem to be shared by the majority of the commenters. It's good to see that it doesn't seem to be so easy any more to use emotional topics in order to instigate hatred against minorities.

It was indeed good to see that most of the commenters, in contrast to Ms Smith, knew the difference between consensual erotic practises on the one and violence and murder on the other side. But I think that it would be great to have more intelligent comments from people who have insights into BDSM play. So, please, if you can find the time, write a short comment on Ms Smith's article. And of course you are very welcome to repost your comments or write additional ones here as well.