Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Kaelah's Corner (Mar 2010):
Does Your Mother Know?

One question many spankos ask themselves is whether they’re going to tell their families and vanilla friends about their kink. In Ludwig’s and my case this topic raised special challenges, especially for Ludwig, because before we met and even today we deal with that question differently. Ludwig usually strictly separates his kinky from his vanilla life. When I started exploring the world of spanking, I was fascinated by all the new things I found on the internet. Since I didn’t have contact to any spankos at the time, I decided to tell family members and vanilla friends about my journey. Not all of them, but actually a lot of people. Some of them even not so intimate friends of mine.

Their reactions were remarkable. None of them was really shocked. Most of the people I told about the kinky world were genuinely interested and asked for more information to understand what it was all about. Although the majority of my friends couldn’t imagine why being spanked should be sexually stimulating, they didn’t make fun of me. And many of them told me very exciting intimate stories about themselves in return. So, I’ve learned about Kama Sutra, threesomes, anal sex and fetishes for stockings. I’m very happy that my friends trust me like that and I’m very thankful for all the mind-opening insights they’ve given me.

The “most negative” reaction I got was someone telling me that knowing about my kink was okay, while more detailed and intimate information would be a bit too much. The same person helped me to find a kinky book when we went to a book store together, though. So, as you can see, there wasn’t really a big problem there.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell everyone whom I would have liked to include into the members circle of “those who know”. Actually, I think that I can distinguish two main categories of people, those whom I expect to be able to deal with my kink and those who, to my mind, can’t. The first group can be divided into very close family members and friends and those people who aren’t that close. The former are the ones who knew from the very beginning and whom I talk to about my kink till this day. Some of the latter might also know that I’m a spanko, but today I usually don’t talk with them about this topic any more. That’s not because I’m ashamed of my kink. But, first of all, I now have Ludwig and other spankos to talk to. And, secondly, my kinky thoughts today are usually related to Ludwig and I have become more selective – not everyone has to know about our intimate stories!

The group of those I’m afraid couldn’t deal with knowing about my kink can be divided into three subgroups: People I wouldn’t call friends, friends, and those people I feel especially close to. I don’t bother about the first group at all, I simply don’t tell them and I trust those who know not to tell anyone else. And I also simply don’t speak about these intimate erotic topics with the friends who might be disturbed if I told them about my kinky life. That’s because I don’t see why I should unnecessarily irritate them. I don’t lie to them, either, they know for example that Ludwig and I met each other via internet and that we were chatting about very personal topics. But I spare them the details and they don’t ask for further information. I recently realised that some of them even seem to have quite a good guess on what kind of personal topics I mean. They seem to be absolutely okay with it, which makes me very happy. But still, I’m of the opinion that knowing the whole story would be a bit too much for them, so I just keep it that way.

The ones I’m really sad about are those I feel very close to, but who I think couldn’t deal. There are very few of them, but there is at least one person. I’ve thought about it for a long time and sometimes I still list up the pros and cons in my mind. But at the moment I’m quite sure that the possible positive outcome doesn’t outweigh the risks. If someone I love were deeply shocked because of my sexual orientation, what do I win? Okay, I could speak openly about something I consider to be an important part of my life. I could talk about my kinky friends, the blog and how Ludwig and I met. But if that resulted in someone fearing for me, not knowing how to treat me and maybe even thinking that Ludwig might do me harm, is that a price worth paying? I’ve made the decision that from my point of view the price is too high. And I also don’t want the people I love to pay such a high price for just a bit of knowledge. My kink doesn’t make another person out of me. It’s a sexual preference, something very intimate most adults don’t share even with their closest family members and friends. I don’t know such intimate details about some very close persons, either, and I don’t have the feeling that I have to know. Of course, in my case, other things I do are related to my kink and I can’t talk about them 100 per cent openly, either. I think that is the most difficult part.

The two things that really bother me about not telling close people are that they might hear about it from someone else or that I might regret not having told them after they’re dead. In the first case, having told them from the very beginning and taking them with me on my journey step by step might have caused less harm than them being told about my whole exploration by someone else. And someone might feel betrayed realising that less close people knew about it. In the second case it would be too late to change my mind and I might have to live with regrets for the rest of my life.

I’m very aware of the finite nature of our lives at the moment, because I’ve just lost three very close family members within ten months. One of them is my mum. She was a wonderful person, a loving and caring mother and my closest confidant. She fought a very brave fight against illness and I tried to support her as best as I could. But finally, all I could do was to make sure that she was surrounded by her beloved ones, hold her hand and tell her that it was okay to let go and come to rest.

My mother knew EVERYTHING about my kinky journey and I’m very glad she did! When Ludwig and I started exchanging mails I read my mails to her on the phone asking whether everything was clear and good the way I had written it. She couldn’t imagine how being spanked could be an erotic experience, but she completely trusted and supported me. The singing bowl Ludwig and I used in our first play was a present I got from her. I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be a mother who is at least half as great and supportive as she was. I miss her so much! I’m very sad, but also incredibly thankful for all the things she taught me, the wonderful time we had and the fact that nothing between us is left unsaid. I think she really deserves to be on this blog. So, this is for you, Mum, thank you for everything!


Ursus Lewis said...

Wow, Kaelah! This blog entry touched me emotionally very much and made me cry. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you a lot of energy to handle this. It's not easy I know from personal experience, but there is a way to get through this difficult time.

I've four and a half vanilla friends who know. Two of them are very close and I could tell them everything. I told them a few years ago and I was pretty sure they would accept my kink. I didn't expect them to understand, but to accept. And they did. Then I told two other friends on a vacation trip last summer.

These two friends played a great part in my coming out to the scene. They simply asked me why keeping this all to myself and not trying to find like minded people to talk and possible play with? I couldn't answer this simply question, but it made me think. One of these two friends played already a great part in forcing me to finally start to lose weight and helped me to lose over 30 kg in 2008. This made me happy and now last summer he helped me finally accept my kink and go to explore it. This made me even happier and I don't know anymore why I waited almost 20 years to do so!

The half person found out some by talking with me, but I never had a chance to fully explain it to her. We had never enough privacy and the Atlantic ocean is in between us. I certainly only can tell about my kink in personal talk, not by phone or email. I mean I can exchange thoughts about it per email, but only with fellow spankos, not with vanillas.

I could not tell any family member so far. Either my brother nor my mother. Sadly I don't know how to tell them. Maybe I just need more time. I really hope I'm ready one day. Hopefully it's not too late one day!

Abel1234 said...

That's such a very lovely, touching and moving post, Kaelah.

Kat5 said...

It was so brave of you! I've told a couple close friends but I only even told myself recently so this is all new to me. This was wonderful to read. I have so much to learn about all this, including what it feels like to be spanked, lol, and things like this help a lot.

! said...

What a lovely entry, Kaelah, aside from a grammatical mistake.

I have decided, that for now, I am not going to tell my parents about my kinkiness. The relationship I have with my parents is already so fragile and weak, that I do not think they would be able to handle it.

Reading your entry made me think about my own thoughts, about wanting to share my kink with my family. I can completely understand what you mean by you wanting to tell them either before they die, or so that they do not hear it from someone else.

I find, that it is only with my family that I am secretive, as most of my vanilla friends know of my kink, and even of my blog. I find that they were all more respectful than I thought they would be; and while they do not necessarily agree with what I am doing, or understand my kink, they still respect me.

I only wish I could have the relationship you had with your mother. She must have been one amazing woman, to be so accepting of your sexual fantasies.

Again, a very lovely post Kaelah, keep them coming =)

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus and Abel:
I’m glad that the post touched you – I was afraid that it might not be written as lovingly as my mum deserves it to be written.

@ Ursus:
It’s great you have friends who are so encouraging! Some of my friends have told me to be careful, especially when communicating with or meeting strangers and concerning showing photos on the blog. But they all support me and trust me to do what is right for me.

@ ! and Ursus:
I guess that telling family members is more difficult because I think that being rejected by a family member hurts even more than being rejected by a friend. You can find new friends, but not a new mum, dad, brother or sister. And to my mind family members are more likely to be very protective and to fear for another family member who is doing things they can’t understand. I’m not sure whether I’ll one day tell the close people whom I haven’t told yet about my kink. Maybe I’ll tell them about being a spanko but not so much about “Kaelah”. I think that the latter is what would scare them the most…

@ !:
Which grammatical mistake? It’s not fair to make smart-ass remarks about mistakes without giving me the chance to fix them… ;-)
But you’re absolutely right with what you said later: My mother definitely was a very amazing woman!

@ Kat5:
It’s wonderful to have a new commenter, thank you. All I can say about exploring one’s kink is that from my experience it is good to trust one’s gut feel. It’ll hopefully tell you which step to take next, and warn you when things are developing too fast. So, don’t put yourself under pressure and enjoy the ride! Of course it would be great to hear about your experiences and where the journey leads you. And I wish you all the best for your attempt to find a loving partner. Writing a blog really might be the way to meet him – I know an example of a guy who met a girl through his blog (although it wasn’t intended in this case)… ;-)

! said...

@ Kaelah

What smart-ass remark? I was SO not being a smart-ass!

Second paragraph, "Their reactions were remarkable. None of them was really shocked..." should be "Their reactions were remarkable. None of them WERE really shocked..." since you're referring to "them."

Kaelah said...

@ !:

Thanks, I've fixed it!

That's an interesting structure, because in German one would use the singular form of the verb. "None of them WERE shocked." would translate into "Keiner von ihnen WAR schockiert." The verb in the German version of the sentence refers to "Keiner" which is the nominative singular masculine form of the noun...

! said...

@ Kaelah,

I was thinking that as I read it. My thought was "ah, that's her German side speaking." I even debated not commenting about it...but I could not help myself =P

tinaslut said...

Kaelah, what can I say. My deepest regret for the loss of your sweet mother and your closest friend. Yes, I do know very much what it feels like and the only comfort you have are the memories of the wonderful times you had together and in that respect she is still with you. But I know how hard it is, when all of a sudden you may want to talk to her about something and almost are on your way to the phone when you suddenly realize she's not there any longer. i experienced exactly the same thing and it's a pain worse than anything else I can imagine. My symphaty for you, sweet Kaelah.

I also admire the courage you have shown in coming out with your desires and telling others about your secret life. This I have not yet dared to do and for me it is very much a secret as neither my nearest friends or my family know about what I do. That's one reason why I am very wary about publishing photos of myself on the web, Facebook and so on. Although I write a lot about it in my blog I restrict myself to just writing, as I still have the need to remain anonymous.

I hope indeed that you will get over your pain soon but of course the loss of somebody who has been so near to you will still remain in your heart. That is the biggest proof of true love, I think.

My thoughts are with you, sweet Kaelah.

xxx tina

Ludwig said...

About the grammar issue, "none of them was" versus "none of them were": I did a Google search on it and it is indeed a very frequently asked question. Even among native English speakers, there seems to be a lot of uncertainty about which one is correct.

From what I can gather, though, "none of them was" seems to be the correct usage. This is because "none", which means "no one" or "not one", is singular and should be treated as such. However, it is often mistakenly treated as plural, especially when it comes in the form "none of them".

Here is one link I found about the subject (see the "Beware of None" box in the lower right corner). So, it looks as if Kaelah was right after all, and Miss Exclamation Mark wrong...

Kaelah said...

@ Tina:

Thanks a lot for your comforting words and your sympathy! I'm sorry to hear that you've been through a similar situation of loss!

I'm sure you'll know when the time has come for you to tell some people who are important to you about your kink. Just take your time and don't set yourself under pressure. Even though I've told quite many people, I still want to remain anonymous on the web. Of course I'm taking a risk by publishing photos, but it is a calculated risk.

@ ! and Ludwig:

So, I have to change the sentence again, then? But that is the last time, really! Ludwig, since when do you support me in my "I told you I was right." approach? Thanks for the information... :-)