Kaelah's Corner (Mar 2010): Does Your Mother Know?

One question many spankos ask themselves is whether they’re going to tell their families and vanilla friends about their kink. In Ludwig’s and my case this topic raised special challenges, especially for Ludwig, because before we met and even today we deal with that question differently. Ludwig usually strictly separates his kinky from his vanilla life. When I started exploring the world of spanking, I was fascinated by all the new things I found on the internet. Since I didn’t have contact to any spankos at the time, I decided to tell family members and vanilla friends about my journey. Not all of them, but actually a lot of people. Some of them even not so intimate friends of mine.

Their reactions were remarkable. None of them was really shocked. Most of the people I told about the kinky world were genuinely interested and asked for more information to understand what it was all about. Although the majority of my friends couldn’t imagine why being spanked should be sexually stimulating, they didn’t make fun of me. And many of them told me very exciting intimate stories about themselves in return. So, I’ve learned about Kama Sutra, threesomes, anal sex and fetishes for stockings. I’m very happy that my friends trust me like that and I’m very thankful for all the mind-opening insights they’ve given me.

The “most negative” reaction I got was someone telling me that knowing about my kink was okay, while more detailed and intimate information would be a bit too much. The same person helped me to find a kinky book when we went to a book store together, though. So, as you can see, there wasn’t really a big problem there.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell everyone whom I would have liked to include into the members circle of “those who know”. Actually, I think that I can distinguish two main categories of people, those whom I expect to be able to deal with my kink and those who, to my mind, can’t. The first group can be divided into very close family members and friends and those people who aren’t that close. The former are the ones who knew from the very beginning and whom I talk to about my kink till this day. Some of the latter might also know that I’m a spanko, but today I usually don’t talk with them about this topic any more. That’s not because I’m ashamed of my kink. But, first of all, I now have Ludwig and other spankos to talk to. And, secondly, my kinky thoughts today are usually related to Ludwig and I have become more selective – not everyone has to know about our intimate stories!

The group of those I’m afraid couldn’t deal with knowing about my kink can be divided into three subgroups: People I wouldn’t call friends, friends, and those people I feel especially close to. I don’t bother about the first group at all, I simply don’t tell them and I trust those who know not to tell anyone else. And I also simply don’t speak about these intimate erotic topics with the friends who might be disturbed if I told them about my kinky life. That’s because I don’t see why I should unnecessarily irritate them. I don’t lie to them, either, they know for example that Ludwig and I met each other via internet and that we were chatting about very personal topics. But I spare them the details and they don’t ask for further information. I recently realised that some of them even seem to have quite a good guess on what kind of personal topics I mean. They seem to be absolutely okay with it, which makes me very happy. But still, I’m of the opinion that knowing the whole story would be a bit too much for them, so I just keep it that way.

The ones I’m really sad about are those I feel very close to, but who I think couldn’t deal. There are very few of them, but there is at least one person. I’ve thought about it for a long time and sometimes I still list up the pros and cons in my mind. But at the moment I’m quite sure that the possible positive outcome doesn’t outweigh the risks. If someone I love were deeply shocked because of my sexual orientation, what do I win? Okay, I could speak openly about something I consider to be an important part of my life. I could talk about my kinky friends, the blog and how Ludwig and I met. But if that resulted in someone fearing for me, not knowing how to treat me and maybe even thinking that Ludwig might do me harm, is that a price worth paying? I’ve made the decision that from my point of view the price is too high. And I also don’t want the people I love to pay such a high price for just a bit of knowledge. My kink doesn’t make another person out of me. It’s a sexual preference, something very intimate most adults don’t share even with their closest family members and friends. I don’t know such intimate details about some very close persons, either, and I don’t have the feeling that I have to know. Of course, in my case, other things I do are related to my kink and I can’t talk about them 100 per cent openly, either. I think that is the most difficult part.

The two things that really bother me about not telling close people are that they might hear about it from someone else or that I might regret not having told them after they’re dead. In the first case, having told them from the very beginning and taking them with me on my journey step by step might have caused less harm than them being told about my whole exploration by someone else. And someone might feel betrayed realising that less close people knew about it. In the second case it would be too late to change my mind and I might have to live with regrets for the rest of my life.

I’m very aware of the finite nature of our lives at the moment, because I’ve just lost three very close family members within ten months. One of them is my mum. She was a wonderful person, a loving and caring mother and my closest confidant. She fought a very brave fight against illness and I tried to support her as best as I could. But finally, all I could do was to make sure that she was surrounded by her beloved ones, hold her hand and tell her that it was okay to let go and come to rest.

My mother knew EVERYTHING about my kinky journey and I’m very glad she did! When Ludwig and I started exchanging mails I read my mails to her on the phone asking whether everything was clear and good the way I had written it. She couldn’t imagine how being spanked could be an erotic experience, but she completely trusted and supported me. The singing bowl Ludwig and I used in our first play was a present I got from her. I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be a mother who is at least half as great and supportive as she was. I miss her so much! I’m very sad, but also incredibly thankful for all the things she taught me, the wonderful time we had and the fact that nothing between us is left unsaid. I think she really deserves to be on this blog. So, this is for you, Mum, thank you for everything!