This is the second and final part of my account of my first-ever topping experience. I wrote about my thoughts and fears prior to the scene in my Kaelah's Corner post from November titled Top Or Flop?. The last edition of Kaelah's Corner should already have been the second part of my account, but then Mr Sacher-Masoch cropped up and I decided to write about him first in my post Curse My Name. So, this post is a bit delayed. But, finally, here we go:
In November we left the crime scene just after Ludwig's back whipping had started and my first stroke had hit the target. After that first stroke something strange and wonderful happened – all my fears faded and I became very calm. Despite of this being my very first experience as a spanker, despite of having to coordinate the spanking with Leia-Ann and despite of the cameras I almost reached a contemplative mindset.
Like a wave the spanking flowed back and forth between Leia-Ann, Ludwig and me. I was in a rhythm of preparing for a stroke, executing the stroke, watching (and enjoying) Ludwig's reaction, hearing him count, watching Leia-Ann's preparation and stroke, Ludwig's reaction and counting, preparing myself again and so on.
This might be a rather strange comparison and I don't want to equate erotic spanking with praying, but the experience reminded me of something I had seen in a monastery. The monks there prayed divided into two groups, one group sitting on the left and the other one on the right side of the room. The first group read out one line, made a short break and breathed, read the second line and then the other group took over without a break, reading one line, breathing, reading a second line and so on. During that experience I had a similar image of a wave flowing through the room in my mind as I had during the spanking.
As a bottom I'm sometimes in a mindset that is quite similar to the one I experienced while flogging Ludwig. But as a bottom all the parameters have to be just right. It has to be a longer scene that allows me to find my rhythm. And I must have come to a point where the fear is gone and I'm sure that I can take it all and stay on top. Then I'm getting into a rhythm of receiving a stroke, feeling the wave of pain, breathing, counting, preparing for the next stroke and so on. I got into that state of mind towards the end of my severe caning and also partially during my very first spanking.
Ludwig wrote about a similar experience to the one I had while spanking him in his behind the scenes report from his shoot for Mood Pictures. In his post Part IV of the Hostel Trilogy: Communion he described his first caning with the brave Rita as his victim as follows: After half a dozen cane strokes, I went into a trance. I forgot the cameras, the people, the room around me. My universe consisted of me, Rita, my aim, the last stroke and the next. Even her screams were mere indicators of how hard I was hitting, disembodied, not fully there. Max and the nurse were vaguely present in my consciousness as well, in case they gave me a signal. But they never did - of all the victims, Rita was the only one to make it through in one single take. She was a real trooper. There was a round of applause. Max Lomp walked over to me, gave me a firm handshake and said "Congratulations!" in English. I mumbled: "Thank you..." My mind was still somewhere else (wait a minute, I think the scene is over). The room came alive again, the crew finishing everything up.
I have to admit that when I read Ludwig's account back in March 2009 it scared me. One of my thoughts was that the description sounded very detached, “clinical” as Ludwig even called it himself. I wasn't sure whether being in such a kind of trance might be dangerous to the bottom, whether the top would still be able to recognize the bottom's reactions, his or her needs, maybe a signal that it was becoming to much, that a break was needed or something like that.
That's another reason why I am so happy that I've started switching, because now I think I understand what Ludwig described. And from my own experience I know that being in a contemplative mindset doesn't mean that one is detached from the bottom. The mindset includes the bottom as an integral part. While I was in something that one might describe as a kind of “trance”, I was still highly concentrated, I noticed all of Ludwig's reactions (from the footage it seems like I even winced in sympathy from time to time) and I was in permanent contact with Leia-Ann.
It seems to be a bit like practising Tai Chi in a group. In order to execute the form fluently you have to be focussed on your own breath, mind and moves, but at the same time you have to coordinate the tempo and the moves with the others. Executing a Tai Chi form in a group creates a completely different level of energy, one you can't achieve when practising the form alone.
Well, that's the best way I can describe it. It all went quite fast, actually. Suddenly Ludwig counted out 28 and I realised that this was going to be my last stroke. Like all the previous ones it was on target and elicited a visible but beautifully restrained reaction from Ludwig. Leia-Ann executed the final stroke and to my regret the first part of Ludwig's ordeal was over.
I could see the marks caused by Leia-Ann quite well and they weren't all too bad, although Leia-Ann hadn't held back, either, after she had noticed that I had administered my first strokes with almost no restraint. But from where I was standing during the scene I could not clearly see the whole area of the marks I had produced. Maybe that was my luck, because otherwise I probably would have done the strokes less hard. Ludwig's skin marks very easily and the marks from our mean little flogger were quite visible.
My first reaction was a very surprised but not completely displeased: “Oh my...” When I inspected the marks closer I realised that I had even drawn a bit of blood. Nothing serious, just one little weak spot that I had already noticed earlier but couldn't avoid with an implement like a flogger. While there weren't any visible marks from Leia-Ann's flogger left on Ludwig's back the next day, the ones from my little mean flogger lasted for more than one week. So I can happily state that my first spanking left a visible fingerprint on my mate. In a phone call some time later Ludwig admitted that he had underestimated the back whipping, a statement that filled me with pride, knowing that he prefers a proper spanking experience on the rare occasions when he switches.
But the ordeal wasn't over, yet. Ludwig still had 18 cane strokes on his bare bottom to come. And I had one little but extremely pleasant job to do before I would step aside and watch Leia-Ann's fantastic caning skills: After having told Ludwig to remove his jeans, I was the one to pull down his underpants. That was something I had wanted to do for a long time and I savoured the moment, taking my time as I slowly removed his underparts and admired his beautiful and at that point still unmarked bottom.
Then I stepped aside and watched the caning standing next to Ludwig. Unfortunately I couldn't move a lot because there wasn't much space. But I could admire Leia-Ann's excellence of execution as well as Ludwig's beautiful reactions. For some brief moments I even managed to make eye contact with Ludwig and I held his head up placing my fingers under his chin in order to make sure that the viewers would have a good sight of his reactions as well.
Unfortunately I didn't manage to get into any kind of special mental state this time. As an observer I was torn between a toppy and a sympathetic mindset. And I was very concentrated on not moving too much and not obscuring the viewer's sight on Ludwig's facial reactions. But at least I could admire the beautifully accurate stripes Leia-Ann had produced once the caning was over. Leia-Ann told me that caning Ludwig was like painting a canvas. Well, all I can say is that she is a very talented painter indeed! I ran my fingers over Ludwig's bottom, feeling the welts and admiring Leia-Ann's handiwork. The marks proved that it had been a proper caning and that my mate had struggled a very brave fight indeed.
After a special little bonus scene which I won't give away to you now and a spontaneous short interview with Leia-Ann our shoot was over. I used the chance to remove my shirt again and ask Ludwig for a back whipping with Leia-Ann's flogger. He happily obliged. And it felt wonderful, I definitely want a specimen like that! A memorable afternoon was concluded with a delicious meal at a pub and a lot more chatting and laughing. Thank you very much for a wonderful experience, Leia-Ann and Ludwig! And as far as playing as a top goes, rest assured everyone that I have tasted blood...