(Classical M/F discipline.
Picture courtesy of Girls Boarding School.)
Tim the Tum always asks a very interesting question in his interviews with kinky models, producers or bloggers: Perhaps I've been lucky in the people I've interacted with, but it seems to me that most spankos are particularly intelligent and polite; what do you think about this?
When I started out in the kinky community and only knew a handful of blogs, I had the impression that there was some truth to that observation. But now that my perspective has widened, I have to admit that, for me, the answer to Tim's question is no, I don't think that this observation is correct. I don't consider the average kinkster to be more intelligent, more polite, more open-minded or less prejudiced than the average person in the society that kinky person lives in.
In my view, the spanking and BDSM community is simply a portion of society as a whole and therefore reflects society's behaviour and attitudes. And quite frankly, in my experience, quite many people have very narrow black-and-white opinions. Which often leads to them not being able to understand and therefore often being scared by everything that is outside what they consider "the norm". I think that this isn't any different in the kinky community, either. And from the discussions I have been involved in, I would say that "the norm" in the spanking community often means M/F spanking in a DD relationship, since that seems to be the biggest group in our community.
This thought came up again last weekend when I read Bonnie's question for her Spanko Brunch: Among spanking bloggers, F/M enthusiasts are greatly outnumbered by M/F blogs. Why is this? The question instantly whirled up lots of emotions since the answers that spontaneously popped up in my mind all had to do with predefined roles and prejudices. I've already talked about some of the aspects here on the blog. But still I'm going to post my complete comment so that you can get the whole picture. Here is what I wrote:
I believe there are several reasons why there are less F/M blogs than M/F blogs. First of all, I don't think that there are fewer men who want to be on the receiving end of a spanking than women.
(A woman spanking a man - and they are even having fun!
Picture courtesy of Dreams Of Spanking.)
But in my opinion, x/M is much less acceptable than x/F in most societies (especially in the more traditional ones like in some states of the US, where many blogs come from) and in our community as well. One reason for that is the belief in traditional gender roles which makes only women on the receiving end okay since they are supposedly the delicate ones who need guidance and a strong shoulder to cry on. Quite frankly, a view that totally freaks me out, but which I have come across several times in discussions. Some people simply state that M/F is the only "natural" and therefore legitimate constellation.
A second aspect which, unfortunately, is also still common in our world and in our community is homophobia. When it comes to spanking, that also affects F/M because some men refuse to look at nude or bare bottomed men and therefore fight for the prohibition of x/M stuff on forums and the like. I was just recently involved in such a discussion. Luckily, as Ana already said, the community has become a bit more open-minded, and so the forum owner decided that everyone was welcome as long as x/M stuff, being in the minority, was labeled accordingly.
Another problem I have observed is that men who enjoy being spanked take the huge risk of being seen as unmanly. I discussed that topic, which is connected to the issue of traditional gender roles, in a recent post. I actually think that there are quite many people who feel uncomfortable with the thought of a man handing over control to a woman for a spanking, no matter how playful said spanking might be. The idea that a man might show stronger emotions during a spanking, let alone cry, seems to be even more disturbing for some people. In my opinion, there are many women among those who have these kinds of prejudices as well. Consequently, it seems that there is a considerable number of men who like to play on both ends, but don't tell anyone because some female bottoms (and maybe some male tops as well) wouldn't see them as "real" tops any more. Maybe we would have more mixed M/F and F/M blogs, too, if that weren't the case.
Yet another issue is that, in my experience, people often have only black and white views and don't distinguish properly between different ways of doing things. So, being a bottom equals being a sub, being submissive equals being weak, being into spanking equals having a DD or D/s relationship and wanting to get spanked equals the desire to cry and to let go of control. For someone like me, a switch who doesn't believe in traditional gender roles, who doesn't identify as a submissive (even though I often play as a bottom), who loves watching M/M spankings, who doesn't do any real-life punishments and who uses spankings for sexual pleasure, relaxation or empowerment, this makes feeling at home in our community already rather difficult at times. I think for male bottoms who are into non-DD spanking, our community must be even less inviting. There aren't many good F/M clips and pictures which could attract their attention (but tons of M/F stuff), most of the existing F/M blogs are about DD only (so, they have a bigger support group at least, which lovers of other forms of F/M spanking don't have) and men who admit that they enjoy being spanked take the risk of having to face the kind of prejudices which I pointed out above. So, why should male bottoms who are into non-DD spankings feel like they belong in our community and like it is worth to invest lots of time into writing an elaborate F/M blog?
Maybe another aspect is that men are generally less likely to write a blog about their private spanking exploits than women, anyway. But, what about female tops then? Maybe there are indeed slightly less female tops than male ones. But I think that F/M blogs written by female tops are also rarer because female tops also face the risk of having to deal with prejudices, especially if they and their fantasies aren't of the strict wife / mother / auntie or the mean mistress kind, which seem to be the most common and accepted roles for a female top in the spanking and the BDSM community.
(F/F spanking - also possible without an erotic component?
Picture courtesy of Punished Brats.)
Picture courtesy of Punished Brats.)
Because a lot of blogs associate spankings with sex and heterosexual traditional gender roles generally don't support female dominance, there can be a twofold backlash against non-M/F blogs. One is the idea that by fate or divine right that a man spanks and a woman is spanked. This implies that a woman is not capable of spanking. Thankfully not on my blog, but I have heard comments from male spankers saying that it was "unnatural" for a woman to spank. Also, because most blogs associate spanking with sex, then F/F and M/M get confused with a different kind of sexuality. [...] Very thankfully, the above bigotry has not been part of my blogging experience. Things have changed quite a bit since I started out. But I still get comments from really nice people who still talk about my "husband" spanking me or referring to D as "he" or "him." Or they just don't get the dynamic because it falls outside of the familiar.
What Ana wrote is another example of the kinds of black-and-white views which are, in my view, all too common among kinksters. For some, female tops simply don't exist at all. For many others, F/F is okay as a sexy show for men to look at, but in private between two women who neither have an erotic relationship nor live together? For some people, that seems to be unthinkable.
Switches are another example. As I discussed in detail in this post, there are several prejudices against switches and many people believe than one must be either exclusively a top or exclusively a bottom. I have even come across one person who stated that switches were greedy people who didn't want to choose a side. On the other hand, some also have prejudices against people who don't want to switch. So, lots of black-and-white thinking there, too. And I guess I don't have to get started on M/M spankings and our community's stance on them, do I?
(Gosh - a guy being spanked by another guy!
Picture courtesy of Spanking Central.)
I have had the pleasure to talk to and to meet very friendly, intelligent and open-minded people in the kinky community. But in my estimate, they are just about the same percentage as friendly, intelligent and open-minded people in our world as a whole. I don't expect to find any less prejudice in the kinky community than in the world at large anymore, and I don't expect to find less black-and-white thinking. That makes me sad at times, but then I think the best thing to do is to write posts and comments that might show others that different kinksters indeed enjoy very different things, and that while some of them might be totally unlike one's own personal preferences, there is nothing wrong with that and it isn't a threat to anyone. Getting people to not fight against each other and let others live the way they want to live, as long as their way of living doesn't violate the freedom or well-being of others, might be as good as it can ever realistically get. And apart from that, I simply stay with the people amongst whom I feel comfortable and happy.