Thursday, February 28, 2019

Kaelah's Corner (Feb 2019):
Midlife Crisis or Midlife Serenity

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to write a post last month. The reason is that I had a slightly bigger and more complicated topic on my mind, which took me a while to sort out and write down. So here it finally is, the first of a mini-series of two posts about a topic that occupies my thoughts a lot in the recent months: the second half of our lives. I am currently on the verge of that part of my life, at least if I am lucky. If I only become as old as my parents, then around 60 per cent or even 70 per cent of my life are already over.

But my age isn't the only reason why I think a lot about that issue. The second reason is that I have indeed already ticked off all the big points I always wanted to experience in my life. Except maybe for one, and that is having grandchildren. But that isn't in my hands, so I don't see it as something that belongs on my to-do-list. While having ticked off all the big points one wanted to achieve in life might sound a bit melodramatic, that's not how it feels and how I mean it. Actually, it just means that I didn't have too many unrealistic dreams and that I am indeed a very lucky person.

What is it that was on my list? Well, professionally it was going to university, getting a PhD degree, finding a demanding job with colleagues I like and which allows me to develop not only more professional expertise but also as a person. By now, I've achieved all of that. Of course, I could push my career a lot further, for instance work towards a job in the upper management. But since Ludwig and I don't need much money for our daily life, I sincerely ask myself whether having more creative influence (which is what makes a management job appealing in my view) is worth the extra time one has to invest in such a position. Right now with the kids, for me it isn't worth it, and I've decided that I'll take a closer look at my professional life again in a few years. Maybe I will even do something completely different in ten years, but for now I am where I always wanted to be, and I am content.

As a family person, my dreams were to fall in love at least once, maybe even marry (for quite some time I didn't really believe in that, given that I suffer from fear of commitment) and to give birth. That has now become real as well, and I am in for a very crazy, busy and exciting time.

Finally, I wanted to experience friendship, travel the world and maybe do something crazy most people don't do. Well, Ludwig is not only my husband, but my closest friend as well, and I've got a few more very close people plus a bunch of friends with whom I haven't got such an extremely intimate relationship but with whom I enjoy sharing time nonetheless. I've already traveled a lot as a child with my parents, mostly around Germany. With Ludwig, I've traveled a lot before we became parents. Among our journeys was one from Moscow to Vladivostok with the Trans-Siberian Railway and a trip once around the world with several stops by plane. Things many people always dream of, but never do. And as for doing something crazy most people won't do – well, I think meeting one's future husband through a kinky blog, writing a kinky blog, making and publishing kinky videos, some as amateur film-makers and some with professional producers, and visiting kinky events in different countries counts as that!

So here I am, having arrived in the middle of my life and already having achieved all the things I wanted to do before I die. I think this is the time when many people develop a midlife crisis. But I have to say that's not how I feel. I am definitely not in a crisis. Quite the contrary, to me it feels more like midlife serenity. I've achieved the things I always dreamed about. Some I worked very hard for, some I was just really lucky to get. And that makes me feel calm and happy. If I died today, I could look back at my life and say that I was a very lucky person indeed and that everything is okay.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't at all want to die! I want to see my children grow up. There are many countries I would still like to travel to. I want to meet new people and I want to try new things. But I am calmer now and don't have the feeling anymore that I constantly have to prove things to myself and others (I think you can see that in my kink, too). Instead, I have the feeling that the upcoming years will allow me to step back a bit and take the time to look at my life and decide what kinds of things I would like to do with the second half of it. Without the stress of asking myself things like: Will I ever have the family I am dreaming of? Will I find a good job that pays my bills and which I like? Will I ever feel sexy and womanly and try out all those fantasies that are on my mind?

I have to admit that I am scared of getting older. That's because of the health problems that become more evident with advanced age. But apart from that I feel more free now that I have reached the middle of my life than I did at the age of twenty. Of course I sometimes miss the feeling of having everything lying ahead of me, for instance when I see groups of young people on the bus or look at old pictures from school. The thrill of becoming an adult and starting an independent life with one million plus one opportunities. But I don't miss all the fears that came with that, the stress and the panic attacks.

There is another aspect that has changed in my life. I think that one came especially with the experience of my parents' death and the fact that I had to take care of their estate. I used to keep many things because, you know, one might need them one day. But in the last few years, slowly but surely, I've become much better at giving stuff away. It's especially hard with things which I got from my parents, but even that works now. And I have the feeling that cleaning up not only our basement but with it my life as well makes me feel lighter and free. So this is something I want to continue working on in the next years as well. I never was a person for decoration and rooms full of closets and stuff. But today I want even less stuff in my life and more air to breathe freely than I did before.

So, I am looking forward to the next half of my life. As for kink, I don't know what time will bring in that regard. I've read Pandora/Blake's post about their pregnancy (congratulations!), and in their case being pregnant seemingly doesn't have any negative impact on their sex drive so far. It was different with me, and it still is now that I am stressed out with two little ones and still breast-feeding and full of „mummy hormones“. Sometimes my low sex drive scares me a bit (most of the time I don't even have kinky fantasies nowadays), but I am more relaxed about it than I would have been a few years ago.

My Mum always used to say there is a time for everything, and right now obviously it is not the time for kinky adventures. My only concern is the negative impact this might have on Ludwig. Right now, he is okay with the situation, though, being rather stressed out himself. And that my sex and kink drive is low right now doesn't mean there can't be new kinky adventures one day in the future!

I've met quite a few fellow kinksters of higher age who proved to me that getting older doesn't mean one can't live one's (kinky) dreams anymore. And that is what my second post will be all about! For now I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic of getting older and what it means for life in general and of course for sex and kink, too!

Friday, January 25, 2019

Eleventh Blogiversary

I started this blog on the 25th of January 2008. That was eleven years ago, and it actually feels more like twenty-one or thirty-one years ago to me. My life was very, very different back then compared to today. I was single, I was fairly new to the BDSM scene, and BDSM played a much more important role in my life at the time (which is why I started blogging about it). And when I started the blog, I could never, ever have imagined that I would meet my future wife because of it and that we would have two children a decade later.

So, anyway, today is my eleventh blogiversary. On the one hand, it is a cause for celebration, because very few blogs last that long - even in a semi-active state. On the other hand, I am saddened by the fact that I didn't have time to return to blogging or edit any of our spanking videos in 2018, either. I keep having to postpone it, then another year begins, and I write another blogiversary post where I explain how busy I have been... I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

What makes me feel a little better about the blog is that, by now, Kaelah has revealed to you that we've become the parents of two adorable children in the last couple of years. Truth be told, I was hesitant about letting you, the readers, in on this fact, because I am a very private person and I don't like sharing private information that isn't directly related to kink. This is, after all, an erotic blog about adult consensual CP. It isn't a diary, and it isn't about the other aspects of my life or of my personality. However, now that you know Kaelah and I are parents, you are able to understand why we have been so busy. I don't have to make obscure references to "real life duties" and "we've had many things to take care of". Instead, I can just tell you openly what is going on. And hopefully, you can now appreciate much better why the blog hasn't exactly been a beehive of activity lately.

In January last year, I was genuinely optimistic that this would be the year when I can return to blogging, finally edit and publish those old spanking videos Kaelah and I filmed, and wrap everything up. Kaelah and I had married by that point, we had moved in together, we had even begun to settle into our new role as parents and become accustomed to our routines in that area - okay, I thought, maybe I can even get back to blogging this year. But it was not to be. Before long, we were once again swamped with work. Among other things, as Kaelah already mentioned to you, there was a death in the family, and taking care of all the business that has to be done in the aftermath literally kept us busy for months. That, plus my usual job, plus the two children... There were quite a few nights last summer when I only slept for three or four hours.

Fortunately, that year is behind us now, and things have begun to quiet down a little. Actually, life with two active little toddlers is never really quiet, but it's not as hellishly hectic any more as it was a couple of months ago. So, we will see. I am once again optimistic that this is going to be the year when Ludwig makes a proper return. But I am also cautious, and reluctant to make promises I can't keep.

What I can promise you is that, someday, you will get to read the final series of posts I have been talking about - I still have to wrap up a few things here -  and I will edit the videos Kaelah and I have filmed so you can finally see them. I don't know when that will be, exactly, but it is definitely going to happen, and this blog is not closing down before it happens. It isn't closing down, either, until Kaelah and I have filmed and published one last F/M caning video we are planning (I am not looking forward to the filming of it at all, but getting to see it and publish it should be nice!).

With that, I wish all of you a happy and healthy 2019. Thank you for sticking with us even during the times when the blog isn't very active. Kaelah and I will do our best to make it worth your wait, hopefully this year.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Kaelah's Corner (Dec 2018):
Happy New Year

I hope you all had a wonderful start into the new year. Ludwig and I wish you all the best for 2019, especially lots of time with loved ones and good health! We had a wonderful, relaxed start of the year.

With 2018, a turbulent year for us has come to an end. Family life with two little kids, grieving for a loved one, many private and professional obligations and almost no time for kink. Despite the negatives, it has been a year I am thankful for.

For many people, this is the time for New Year's resolutions. But not for me. My only plan is to take good care of myself and my family and to get rid of even more things which just occupy space and / or time but really aren't of any use for me (I think this is something one really learns when having to deal with the estate of loved ones). This is a goal for the rest of my life, though, nothing I'd like to achieve within a certain time period this year. Other than that I will just see what the year brings and try to make the best of it.

The last five days before New Year's eve, I've managed to practise yoga every evening, and it made me feel both physically stronger and more relaxed. I don't plan to practise daily in the future, but due to the health problems caused by giving birth and handling two little ones, a little bit of sports (core training) about two or three times a week would be great. After all, I am not getting any younger, either! ;-)

As for kink and sex life, I suppose that will play only a minor role in 2019, too. That's okay with me, though. The good thing is, the core training and especially strengthening my pelvic floor again has made my sexual mojo come back at least a little bit. For a while, it had been completely gone, and I didn't have any sexual / kinky thoughts AT ALL, which was strange and a bit frightening because I had never experienced that (in such an extreme way ) before. Maybe I'll write a post about that, too. I just hope this blog won't completely turn into a sex counseling site for elders, though! ;-) Well, let's face it, I've got that in my own hand. We'll see what 2019 brings!

For now, I wish you lots of naughtiness and kinky fun in the new year and hope that this blog will add a few ideas and fantasies to that! How about you? Do you already have (kinky) plans and resolutions? Or are you just curiously awaiting what the new year has in store for you?

Monday, December 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2018):
Positive Pain

This is the last and final part of my post about the most important change in Ludwig's and my life. In my first three posts New Horizons, Anticipation and Preparation and Crossing the Line, I told you about a very special and painful event we have gone through. Some of you already mused that it wasn't really a kinky experience I was talking about, and of course they were right. The event I described was my first delivery experience. As I revealed in my second LOL Day post, Ludwig and I already are proud parents of two little ones now, which has changed our lives forever.

As Spearthrower said, in a way my first three posts could be seen as a prank because I implied that I might be writing about a kinky experience, which I was not. Of course, I enjoyed heightening the suspense a bit by not telling you the good news right away. But there is more to it than that. In fact, the whole experience for me had quite some parallels to my kinky adventures, and it also told me some things about how my kink works and where my limits are. And this is what today's post will be about.

When talking about parallels between erotic spanking and giving birth, the first thing that of course comes to mind is the pain involved. There is more to it than that, though. It's not just about pain, it's that these are two of the very few occasions that come to my mind on which someone deliberately chooses to go through a painful event because the outcome, and partly also the experience itself, seem to be worth the pain!

And there have been even more parallels. When I prepared myself for the big event, I used many things that are important to me ahead of kinky experiences as well. I took the time to think about what would be important for me to make this a good experience, about possible pitfalls and about my limits. I chose an environment and people for the big day based on a positive gut feeling. I talked openly to the nurses and to Ludwig about my wishes and limits for the birth experience. I read reports from others and learned as much as possible about the process in general. But I was also aware that things don't always turn out the way one expects, and I tried to remain open for different developments. I used my kinky experiences to build up trust in my abilities to master intimate, scary situations, to deal with high amounts of pain and to communicate with those around me in order to make sure the experience turned out to be a good one.

When the labour pain finally set in, I tried to use my breathing to remain calm. After some time the pain seemed to become overwhelming, though, and I knew from the books that there should still be several hours ahead of me until it was done. So I said that I couldn't deal anymore and asked for an epidural. But I also trusted the nurse's advice and Ludwig's encouragement to try only a light painkiller at first. I didn't work out, but it bought me time. When I was finally about to get the epidural, it turned out that the pain level had been so high because the delivery went much faster than average. It was already in such an advanced state that the epidural didn't make any sense anymore, and I actually managed to go through the final phase without it.

Funny enough, the bearing-down pains didn't really feel painful to me. Instead, I was in a flow, just like some kinksters describe. The contraction was just like a pulse generator which told me to press and bring the baby a bit closer to seeing the light of day. Afterwards, I felt very relaxed and happy and enjoyed having that little bundle lying on me. But I didn't feel high, like many women apparently do, even though after delivering a baby there is as much endorphin in a woman's body as on almost no other occasion in our whole life. It didn't really surprise me, though, that I wasn't feeling high, since I don't have that after my kinky scenes, either.

I was very happy, though, to realise already on the evening after the birth that not only had the outcome been a positive one, but the experience itself had been a good one and not traumatising. Even then, right afterwards, I could already imagine doing it again, something that isn't granted to all women.

Still, for me, childbirth was a much more extreme scenario than anything I have ever done kink-wise.

The first reason is that, in a way, giving birth to a child is an event with no safeword. Once you are in labour, there is no way to stop the whole process. Of course, you can have pain-reducing medication. But, first of all, it can take time until you get it (about one hour for an epidural in the clinic I went to) and until it starts working. Secondly, the medication comes with certain risks and possible complications, so you have to trade off the positive effect against the possible negative ones. Third, this still doesn't stop the whole process, even if you find it, for instance, mentally challenging, and would like to get a break.

Can you imagine setting yourself up for a kinky event that lasts for many hours, maybe even a whole day or more, with no chance of knowing in advance how painful or how long it is going to be, and no chance to say stop when it becomes too much and you realise that the experience doesn't feel good? I have to admit that preparing for giving birth again reminded me that I would never do that. For me, no outcome of a kinky scene could be great enough to take that risk. As I said, I have read accounts from others who have done scenes like that with no safeword and not knowing exactly what would happen. For me, though, obviously only the prospect of having the child I longed for was a gain big enough to do something like that.

Even more, the more extreme kinky events I've read about usually were dark scenarios like kidnappings. I already was scared of an event that is without doubt a positive one with everyone around trying to support the mother-to-be. I definitely would never be able to do something that extreme in combination with a dark scene. As far as I understand it, the fellow kinksters who go for events like that get one or more of the following things out of it: the feeling of letting go completely, the experience of being broken and put back together, and the endorphin high that comes with realising that they have survived.

Opening up and letting go completely is something one also literally has to do when giving birth. Otherwise, the baby can't be born. So this was something I prepared myself for during my pregnancy, but it became clear to me that this is nothing I'm looking for in my kink.

As for being broken and put back together, and the feeling of survival – well, as those readers among you who accompanied us in recent years know, there haven't only been positive developments in our life. As a matter of fact, I've lost all my remaining grandparents and both of my parents, who weren't very old, in the last 10 years. If someone had told me ten years ago that this would happen, I would have broken down and thought I couldn't survive it, or that at least it would leave me mentally damaged. But I have held both of my parent's hands when they died, I survived, and I have learned and am still learning to deal with all that loss. Ludwig and the little ones are helping me a lot, even though having kids sometimes makes me miss my parents all the more. The scary feeling of not having much family left and of being the next in line will possibly remain (and the latter will most probably become stronger the older I get). But I know that I can survive even things that used to be a nightmare for me. It's nothing I search for in my kink, though. Reality has been more than enough in that regard.

Last but not least, extreme scenarios can of course come with a higher risk of causing permanent damage. The ones I have read about, fortunately, were very carefully planned and didn't cause that kind of damage. But very regular players, for instance, who also go for more severe scenes every now and then can at least develop weak spots that easily start to bleed. And of course scenes that don't turn out well can also be a psychological challenge. I, for one, realised that I wouldn't want to do a kinky scene that holds a higher potential risk of causing any kind of permanent damage, mentally or physically.

Having a baby for me was worth taking that risk, though. And unfortunately, having delivered two little ones indeed seems to have caused some problems. I am not only talking about the inevitable marks, the way carrying and bearing a child alters a woman's body forever. I am quite lucky in that regard, I can absolutely live with the rather small changes. But it seems that some intestine damage has occurred that might lead to serious health problems. Thus, I most probably will have to undergo surgery within the next few years. Doing sports during pregnancy and afterwards didn't prevent this from happening, and we will see how much physical therapy can accomplish. Even with the surgery, I am quite sure that the risk of certain health problems occurring, such as incontinence, has increased for me.

We are thinking about maybe having another baby. But due to my health problems, I have been warned. Still, I think that the little ones have been worth it, and I might even take the risk another time. I would never do that for a kinky experience, though, no matter how appealing it might be.

So, having become a mother confirmed one thing for me: kink and erotic spanking is there to make me feel strong and happy, nothing more and nothing less. I don't want to go to any extremes, and I don't really want to push my boundaries (anymore). I leave that to other fields in my life. My kinky experiences help me in extreme situations, though, as my childbirth experience proves. And it led me to the man who is now my husband, closest confidant and the father of my kids. What more could one expect from erotic kink?

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Global Day(s) of Delurk 2018 (Day 2):
1 + 1 = 4

This is the second day of this year's LOL Day event, and today's post will be the most personal and intimate one ever on this blog - which is saying a lot. As I explained yesterday, LOL Day 2008 was the very starting point of our relationship and of Ludwig's and my crazy kinky and vanilla journey that finally resulted in our marriage.

Since then our blogging has become rather infrequent, though. There were several reasons for this. After years filled with lots of kinky experiments and experiences, that part of our life had become less important. Plus, our vanilla life was very busy – job responsibilities, household chores, time with family and friends, a few minor health issues and even medical emergencies in our family.

But that wasn't the whole story. This blog has always been first and foremost about kink. In addition to that we have shared a few things about our development as a couple. It never was and never will be a vanilla couple's blog, though. We don't write posts about the two of us doing laundry together. And while we are very open about our kink, our erotic exploits and our relationship, we are very careful to protect the privacy of our vanilla environment.

That's why Ludwig and I were pondering for a while whether we should share this very special, intimate thing with you or not. But since it might actually be the most important step in our relationship, and since it explains why we have hardly had any time for kink or blogging, we finally decided to let you in on this very personal development. In a recent series of posts, I wrote about a special and rather painful event that altered our life. Some of you already figured out what I was writing about.

Here is the solution of the riddle (which will hopefully also explain why I left out a few details in my account): As the long-time readers among you might remember, I always wanted children. I already
pondered the question how to handle our kinkiness with little ones being around long before Ludwig and I were even married. Ludwig wanted kids, too, and our dream has come true. As a matter of fact, today we already are parents of not only one, but two wonderful little ones, a  girl and a boy!

We ask for your understanding that we won't share any more information about the two for the reasons mentioned above. But we hope that the revelation of our parenthood helps you understand why kink and erotic adventures don't play such an important role in our relationship any more, at least for the time being, and why keeping up this blog has been so difficult in the recent past.

I hope that you feel happy for us, despite the negative effects on our blogging. And I can only encourage the silent readers among you who ask themselves whether they should take the plunge and follow their kinky dreams and fantasies to sincerely consider doing so. As you can see, it can lead to things you might never have thought possible, which go far beyond erotic adventures. Or at least you might very probably find some kind new friends here in the spanking community. You are definitely very welcome to write a comment on our blog, share your experiences and ask questions anytime! A Happy LOL Day to all of you and thank you for reading!

Friday, November 16, 2018

Global Day(s) of Delurk 2018 (Day 1):
10th Anniversary

It's that time of the year again! Time to thank all our silent readers, those among you who read our blog and are interested in what we have to say but whom we don't know about because you don't feel the urge / don't like to / don't dare to write a comment. Some of you might have accompanied us for quite some time already, some might just have stumbled over our blog today. No matter who you are or how long you have been here, this is the day to tell you that we appreciate you taking your time to read this blog.

For us, Ludwig and Kaelah, this institution, invented by Bonnie and now organised and hosted by Hermione, has a very special meaning that goes far beyond celebrating the silent readers of our blog. This is the eleventh time this blog is taking part in LOL Day and at the same time it is the 10th anniversary of Ludwig and me making our first contact. Because on LOL Day 2008 I, being a complete newbie to erotic spanking at the time, left my first-ever comment on this blog under my old nickname K'Ehleyr.

At that time Ludwig thought his new commenter was a German guy, maybe with a Turkish heritage. Well, he found out how wrong he was when we started communicating via email. After a while, I asked Ludwig to lead me through my first erotic spanking experience, because I really came to trust him and felt that he was the right person to take this plunge with. We met in person for the first time, found out that the chemistry between us was indeed great, and shared a very elaborated and wonderful spanking initiation ceremony together.

Not much later we became a couple and started writing about our kinky journey here on this blog. The picture in this post was taken around that time. How young we were! Today, ten years after our very first contact, after a fantastic kinky journey that involved lots of writing for this blog, meeting like-minded people from around the world, participating in kinky events and shooting videos, we are married and living together as mates and confidants, sharing much more than just our kink.

You might have been wondering why our writing has become so infrequent in the last years, though. As we wrote, our day-to-day life is very challenging and our vanilla duties are rather time-consuming. But there is more to it than that. We pondered for a while whether to share this intimate part of our life here on our blog or not (funny to say that on a blog on which we have shared quite some intimate things). We finally decided to do so.

As a matter of fact, I already hinted at it in my last series of posts about a very painful and life-changing event Ludwig and I shared. You can read about the prolo
gue, the preparations and the actual event here. Some of you obviously already realised what happened exactly. Tomorrow in our second LOL Day post (or, Global Day of Delurk, as we like to call it here) we will share more with you.

Until then, we want to use this opportunity to thank Bonnie for having created this special event and Hermione for hosting LOL Day XIII. And a big thank you to all of you out there who have been reading this and have taken the time to accompany us on our journey. We would be very happy to hear from all of you, but of course we also accept your wish to remain silent if that's what suits you. May many of you be as happy as we are and not only get the chance to live our their kinky erotic fantasies but also meet many friendly people here in this community and maybe even that one special person to share your life with.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Oct 2018):
Crossing the Line

This is the third part of my series of posts about a very special, painful event which I decided to put myself through with Ludwig's support and which in my opinion altered my life. You can find the first two parts here and here. Today I want to tell you about the experience itself. I won't write much about the exact setting, location and action, though. I will leave that to your imagination. My focus will be on my thoughts and feelings throughout the experience instead. You will learn more about what happened in my next post which will be the final one in this series.

In my last post about the anticipation before the event I told you that I only knew a certain time range when it would take place, but not the exact date and time. I thought that it would most possibly start quite early in the time range, but at first nothing happened. The knowledge that it definitely would happen anytime soon made me nervous, though. It was a time in which I was very busy and I had the feeling that I wasn't ready for such a big event, yet. So I focussed on the stuff I had to do and tried not to think too much about what might or might not happen and how I would deal with the situation.

One evening I had finished yet another important task and I told Ludwig that now it seemed that the event could take place because all the big points on my current to-do-list were finished. When I woke up the next morning, I promptly got the signal that this would be the day. At that point Ludwig almost seemed to be a little bit more nervous than I, knowing that all he would be able to do was to be at my side. We packed the things we were supposed to bring and waited.

We were soon fetched by a van and driven to the location. Ludwig was in the front and I in the back. There were no windows for me to look out on the street, but I knew approximately were the car was. I had been to the location as part of my preparation, so I knew where we were going. The last time I had been there I was very nervous because I was very aware that the next time I would enter the place there would be no way back.

The drive wasn't too long. The van stopped and Ludwig and I were escorted into the house. At first we were guided to a preparation room. A staff member checked in with me and told me that she would be the one to guide me through the first part of the experience. I should explain that this wasn't supposed to be a dark experience. Long-time readers know that I am not into that and that I would most probably never set myself up for an event that is not only physically challenging but contains dark psychological elements as well. Instead, throughout this experience I always had the chance to ask for the help of a kind of mentor to support me mentally and to help me let loose.

A few preparations were done and Ludwig and I were informed that it might take some time for the experience to start. I was nervous, but I also really wanted it to start now that there was no way back, anyway. I took the chance to grab at least a little bite to eat since I hadn't had breakfast and probanly wouldn't be able to eat for a while during the event.

It started sooner than I had feared. At first, I managed to deal with the pain quite well, although it was different from what I had expected. The action was faster than I had thought and there were fewer breaks for me to recover than I had hoped. For a while I managed quite successfully not to fight the pain, instead letting myself fall into it and using it to open up. But after a while I struggled more and more and I started to panic because I had the strong feeling that I couldn't deal, especially considering that this was supposed to be a rather long experience and the worst part was still yet to come.

So I asked my guide for help. I knew that I had the chance to ask for the staff to help me ease the challenge. But that was under two conditions: First of all, the request could only be fulfilled with a time lag. Secondly, it came with the downside of most probably prolonging the event. And of course the aim was to let the experience unfold with as little intervention as possible. Having that in mind my guide tried to convince me to try other ways to help me cope with the situation. Ludwig, who thought that I was very tough and still coping rather well, agreed.

I wasn't really convinced, but I gave it a try, only to realise after a short while that it didn't work out. I knew myself well enough to know that I couldn't deal with such a high impact for what was supposed to be a few more hours! So again I asked for help.

As a result Ludwig and I were brought into another room with a new guide to support me. I was nude now, but interestingly that didn't make me feel vulnerable. The pain became worse and worse, though, much faster than I had expected from what I had heard and read, until it almost seemed like a single steady impact which only increased and decreased a bit over time. That was the moment in which my new guide told me that her advice would be to go through with the rest without any intervention because it would soon be over, anyway, and interfering might stop the process of letting go and make the experience much longer than it would be otherwise.

At first I cursed, feeling that I should have requested help earlier, but then I realised that this held a big chance, too. So I agreed and tried to focus on my final goal to let go completely. My guide suggested new positions which helped me and allowed Ludwig to help me through the final stage. And suddenly it happened. The pain seemed to ease up. Again it came in waves now and I just took it as a kind of impulse to ride the pain and let it help me to let go.

For a moment I thought about the marks the experience would leave. But I knew that no permanent damage had been done, so I pushed the thought aside and focussed on my breath and riding the waves instead. The last ones were announced and I really managed to let go completely. Then it was suddenly over. I was happy and relieved. I had more endorphins in my body than ever before, but unlike others I wasn't flying. That didn't surprise me, though, since I have never been flying from a kinky or any other experience. But I felt very calm and proud.

I got the chance to lie down, covered by a blanket. Ludwig was at my side, telling me how proud he was. Someone came to take care of my wounds. My guide looked after me as well. I got the confirmation that the experience had indeed been shorter and faster than most of the times. It was okay for me. My guide told Ludwig that we should take our time and he could get us something to eat. When he came with bread and other little snacks I realised that I was as hungry as a lion.

At night in our bedroom, Ludwig and I talked about the experience. About what had happened and how we had felt. It had been so intense. We didn't sleep a single hour that night, knowing that it had indeed been a very special event. And regardless of how hard it had been throughout, I already knew that the outcome had been worth it and that I might even do it again. Still, we had no idea at that point how life-altering the experience really would turn out to be. But that's a story for another post...