Sunday, October 26, 2014

Kinky Japan Part 5:
A Paddle from Miyajima

This is the fifth part of our series about our trip to Japan. Here are the first four parts: part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4. Today's post is about an excursion to Miyajima, a beautiful island on the coast of Hiroshima.

Miyajima is a wonderful place to visit with Buddhist temples and Shinto shrines, good food and nice little shops as well as deer and hiking trails with stunning views. We spend most of our time hiking but we also tasted the great food and took a look at some of the little shops.

And there it was, a collection of nice little wooden paddles, all imprinted with different Kanji wishing their owners luck, health and so on. Of course we couldn't resist buying one! And the inscription "happy marriage" seemed like a very suitable choice, even though Ludwig and I aren't officially married.

There would have been bigger specimen as well, as you can see, but we decided for a smaller paddle. Taking the huge one with us on the plane would have been quite cumbersome!

As I already wrote in my post about our patu from New Zealand, I am very cautious about perverting items with a special religious or cultural meaning as spanking implements. But again, while the idea for this paddle was surely influenced by Shintoism, our paddle is just a souvenir made for tourists. And secondly, erotic spanking for us is something wonderful and positive, anyway, so using the paddle for that purpose doesn't mean we don't respect it.

And wow, the little thing is a really stinger! I couldn't resist to try it on Ludwig, first. The picture above shows the result of a little try-out session on my behind, though. As you can see, the paddle produces a nice red shade.
May our paddle from Miyajima prove to be unbreakable for a very long time to come, just like the memories of our wonderful holiday and our love and care for each other!

Which inscription would yo have chosen for your own paddle? One that is available in the paddle store or maybe a completely different one?

Sunday, October 12, 2014

World Cup Bets Part 1: Simon

Now the Football World Cup already seems to be over for quite a long time and with it our kinky World Cup bet. As some of you might have seen, our reader Simon was the only one who had the guts to join our little betting community. Afterwards, it was time to collect the debts.

So this is the first of three posts, telling the story of Simon's, Ludwig's and my pay days. We will start with Simon's story today. His wager was really high and so his final tally was 57 cane strokes! One stroke for every point he scored below the maximally possible number of 60, one stroke for every point I scored higher than he did and six more strokes because Germany won the Championship, as I had predicted. You can see the colourful result in the pictures accompanying this post.

And here is what Simon wrote about his comeuppance:

It seems like ages ago now but back in June Ludwig, Kaelah and myself made punishment related bets about the World Cup (see June blog for details). Following the German victory it transpired that I had earned 57 cane strokes a figure that proved that I really shouldn't bet and know less about international football than I thought. Now all I had to do was tell my Mistress about the bet and ask her to deliver the requisite number of strokes. However this would involve confessing that I had made a C.P. related bet with a lady I had corresponded with on the Internet and I wasn't sure how she would react to this. I live a long way from my Mistress and I found myself worrying about it throughout the long train journey and when I'm worried I can sometimes forget where I am and say things out loud. Fortunately the train wasn't to crowded so I hope nobody in the carriage heard anything. I decided that the only thing I could do was just come right out with it at the beginning of our meeting and see what happened.

So it was that I found myself naked, facing the wall with my hands on my head whilst Mistress lectured me. It wasn't so much the bet itself that upset her but the fact that I had done it without telling her. In the end she agreed to deliver the strokes but only after I had taken a strapping for my presumption. I assumed the position, bent over the table, whilst she selected her implement. From where I was I couldn't see what she had chosen but he first impact told me that it was one of her heavier straps. For the next ten minutes the only things to be heard in the room were the swish of a heavy leather tawse, the thwack of it impacting on my unprotected buttocks, my groans and me counting the strokes. Finally after some 60 strokes she stopped and I thanked her. My bottom was already very sore and I knew I still had 57 strokes of the cane to come. But not immediately as I was told to resume my position in the corner which I quickly did as I certainly didn't want to annoy her further. She left the room leaving me to ponder my fate but then I heard the doorbell ring and someone enter. Sometimes in the past she has brought people in to look at me in the corner or even to watch part of my punishment and this I find both embarrassing and exciting. On this occasion it didn't happen and after they had had a cup of tea the mysterious guest left. I took this to mean that it would soon be time for my caning and unlike my football bets this time I was right.

The cane she was holding when she entered was 36 inches long with a red handle and was designed for very experienced bottoms. I knew this because it was one of a batch of implements I had bought for her and was what it said in the catalogue. Once again I found myself bent over with my already sore bottom at her mercy. I heard the sibilant swish of the cane and felt the fiery impact. Experienced as I am the first stroke always takes my breath away and and as further strokes fell I found myself wondering whether I would be able to take 57 strokes. By the 20th stroke my backside felt like it was being whipped with red hot wire. Mistress very kindly allowed me a short break after 30 strokes but all to soon I was back in position. After the 57th stroke I was congratulating myself on bearing my punishment but I had forgotten her liking for round numbers. Another 3 strokes fell before I was allowed to raise with extremely sore buttocks and turn and thank her. The cane is probably my favorite implement, I love the sound and the biting impact but 60 strokes is probably my limit and I was glad it was over. My World Cup bet had been honoured and I had received a delightfully severe thrashing. I look forward to hearing how Ludwig and Kaelah fare following their bets. The bets that made an already interesting World Cup even more exciting I hope for all 3 of us. 

Thank you very much, Simon, for having participated in the bet and for sharing the pictures and your story! It was lots of fun indeed. In the next two instalments of this series, you will read about Ludwig and me paying our debts.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2014):
You and I

A warm welcome to another belated edition of Kaelah's Corner. This is the third post in my series about kink and relationships. In my first post I wrote about the influence that being kinky might have on the issue of finding a mate. In my second post I discussed the question What is love?. Today I want to talk about different types of relationships and how they are represented in our kinky community.

As you might already have realised when reading my post about love, I am of the opinion that love relationships can't be perfect and always have their strengths and weaknesses. That is because the different aspects of love and of our needs and desires are often contradictory and therefore can't all be equally fulfilled in one relationship.

This is why Michael Mary, the relationship counsellor whom I already quoted in my last post, advocates letting go of the widespread belief that one can have everything with a single partner forever. He argues that instead of the perfect all-in-one-relationship there are different possible kinds of relationships depending on what is most important for those involved. Mary distinguishes five types of relationships which I think are common in the kinky community as well.

In an adjusted relationship, lifetime support is the most important thing. The partners complement each other so well that they want to stay together long-term. Therefore, they adjust with each other. Passion and sometimes sexuality is put on hold. Some of these couples almost have no sex at all any more.

I think this kind of relationship is quite common. In our community, I have heard especially from some fellow kinksters who are a bit older and explain that this is how their relationship works or worked (in case their partner is already deceased). I believe that a high number of younger couples who have decided to raise a family together live in an adjusted relationship as well. I guess that many people who just read and enjoy kinky blogs and kinky fantasies but aren't active members of the kinky community otherwise might be in such a relationship.

Sometimes we also hear about this kind of relationship in a negative way, mostly I think on DD-blogs and other kinky couple blogs. Because sometimes the starting point of a DD-relationship or experimenting with kink is that one partner or both are unhappy with the lack of sex in their relationship.

Those who are living in a distant relationship don't have that problem. The aim here is to maintain the passion in an exclusive and faithful relationship. Because distance is an essential condition for passion, the couple does without a good deal of everyday accompaniment. For example, by deliberately choosing to live separately.

I have to admit that this is a type of relationship I haven't heard about too often in the kinky community. Ludwig and I are currently still in a long-distance relationship and that certainly has fed the passion for each other for quite a while. Still, for us, this is just one step in our relationship and we plan to live closer together and share more of our daily life in the future.

For serial relationships the rule is: As long as the passion glows, one should keep the relationship. A relationship without a common and passionate sexuality is considered worthless and therefore ends. The partners can deal better with frequent partner changes than with having to adjust or keeping some distance between each other.

I think serial relationships are more and more common amongst younger people, also in the kinky community. Being in a love relationship then means having fun together and experimenting with spanking and kink. Once the passion decreases, the partners decide that they don't fit well enough any more and part.

In parallel relationships a person simultaneously lives in two relationships – either secretly or openly. One relationship focusses on the accompanying everyday love and the other one on passionate love.

I have the impression that this is quite common in the kinky community, especially for fellow kinksters whose spouse/life partner doesn't share their kink. Then often the kinkster has a kinky play partner in addition to the long-term vanilla partnership. Sometimes the spouse/long-term partner knows about and condones the play relationship, sometimes the second relationship is kept a secret. In addition to that there are the open kinky relationships which are quite common as well.

And finally there are the controlled free relationships. Couples in such a relationship allow extramarital sex, which has to follow certain agreements though. The partners are allowed sexual escapades from time to time, but no durable side relationships.

I think this model is very common in our community as well. Many kinksters who live in otherwise exclusive relationships go to parties and play with others at least from time to time. Often their arrangements exclude sexual intercourse and/or other forms of intimate touch but some are open for that as well.

I've asked myself which type of relationship I would find ideal for Ludwig and me. Since I want to raise a family with Ludwig and long for a long-term relationship, the serial relationship can easily be ruled out. Parallel relationships wouldn't work for me, either, because I don't want to have more than one mate at once. Ludwig holds the same view, and besides, he jokingly tells me that having one girlfriend is stressful enough for him, he definitely doesn't need more than one in his life! I also think that it is extremely difficult to find a good balance between all people involved and avoid hurting any of the partners when openly living in parallel relationships. And betraying one's partner by having a second relationship behind his back isn't an option for me, because trust is one of the most integral parts of a love relationship in my view.

Maintaining a distant relationship doesn't fit to our future plans, either, but Ludwig and I certainly both need more time for ourselves and more personal freedom than many others. So I am very sure that we will both insist on private rooms and a certain amount of alone-time, even when sharing a home.

In my opinion, an adjusted relationship can be a very happy and fulfilling form of relationship. For me at least, friendship and partnership are much more important in the long run than sex in a relationship. I think my ideal relationship is one that focusses mainly on friendship and partnership.

Given that both Ludwig and I need a certain level of distance, though, I have the hope that this might stir up our passion at least from time to time, even when we share more responsibilities and our everyday-life with each other. And even if the passion shouldn't be reawakened on a regular basis, I think it might be possible to give one's partner sexual satisfaction as a gift of friendship as well
from time to time. What I mean is that at times when one partner is in the mood and the right headspace for sex and the other is not, maybe the one not in the right mood can still administer a spanking or satisfy the partner manually or orally, as long as their mind isn't in a completely different place that requires them to have some time for themselves.

And finally we have the controlled free relationship. In my opinion that might be an additional option for Ludwig and me in the future. Right now I think that our relationship still doesn't have the necessary maturity for that, though, and there are too many things which we have to find out and build up between the two of us first. But once our new life together is settled, at least attending a spanking party from time to time and playing with others (maybe not each of us separately but the two of us together) is something that I can imagine. That might give us a time-out from our everyday responsibilities and maybe even raise the passion for each other. Plus, it would enable us to try out things which we can't do alone, like co-topping.

At the moment, spanking and kink only play a minor role in our life, though, and other topics are more important. We'll see how our relationship and our kink will develop over time and whether my view and Ludwig's view on different types of love relationships will change.

How about you? What types of relationships have you experienced and which kind of relationship are you longing for? Which one would definitely not work for you? I look forward to reading about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Frank and I (Part 1)

 (Screenshot from Lady Libertine.)

Some weeks ago, Ludwig and I watched Lady Libertine, a kinky movie based on the book Frank and I. The book was written in 1902, and surely by a kindred spirit! I want to tell you a bit more about the book and the video in a series of posts. As you will be able to see, the story is one that suits me.

I don't want to tell you too much about the storyline at the moment and instead want to share the first spanking scene in the book with you. Just so much for the background: The plot is set in the late 1880s. A young rich nobleman by the name of Charles Beaumont, who is the narrator of the story, meets a young man on the road one day while being on a horse ride. The adolescent called Frank tells him that he is an orphan and the nobleman offers him shelter. It soon turns out his young guest is intelligent and eager to learn. So Charles Beaumont decides to educate Frank and send him to school.

Things don't always go smoothly, though, and so Frank soon finds himself bent over for a spanking. I am sure from the way the author describes the scene you can easily see that he indeed was one of us! There will be surprising twists later in the story but for now I simply want to share the first spanking scene with you. Maybe the end already gives you a clue of what Charles Beaumont is soon to find out. More in the next post!

One final important disclaimer before you go on reading: It should go without saying, but I think one can't stress this topic enough. This is of course just a kinky role play fantasy for adults. I don't condone the spanking of minors!

I did not tell Frank that I was going to send him to school, as I knew the idea would make him miserable, and I did not want to have him moping about the house. I had lately been thinking a good deal about his future, and it struck me that I was not acting rightly in allowing him to run wild about the place as he had hitherto been doing. I remembered the old saying about "idle hands and mischief," so I determined to set him some lessons which would keep him employed for part of each day. I at once looked up a number of my old schoolbooks, and when he had had his lunch, I told him that in future I wished him to study every day for a few hours, and I also informed him that I would set him various lessons and exercises, and that I would examine him upon them in the evening when I was at home.

He looked surprised and rather dejected on hearing my announcement, but said he would learn any lessons I chose to set him.

Next morning, before going out hunting, I marked various tasks for him, and sent him into the library to study them, telling him that I expected him to stick to his work, and not to go oat until he had learnt all his lessons. I had a capital run with the hounds, and did not get home until seven o'clock; but as soon as dinner was over, and I had lit my cigar, I made Frank bring me his books and papers; then I examined him, and looked over his exercises, finding that he had done all his tasks fairly well Then we chatted, and played draughts until it was time for him to go to bed. Everything went on pretty well for some days, and then I began to notice that he was chafing under the regular routine which I had laid down; and he got so careless in writing his exercises, and he learnt his lessons so imperfectly that I had often to scold him. On these occasions he was always penitent, promising to be more diligent, but in a few days he would again grow idle and careless, and at last became positively disobedient. So I came to the conclusion that I should have to adopt severe measures with him; as I did not mean to let him have his own way entirely. I am a bit of a disciplinarian, and I believe in the efficacy of corporal punishment; moreover I think all boys require a flogging occasionally. I was often birched when I was at Eton, and I am sure the punishment was good for me. So one evening, on finding that he had been more than usually idle during the day, I spoke sharply to him, saying: "You have been extremely inattentive to your work of late, and to-day you do not appear to have made an attempt to learn your lessons. I am very angry with you, and if you do not apply yourself more diligently to your tasks, I shall be obliged to flog you."

He started, turned very red, and gazed at me with a frightened expression on his face, saying: "Oh, I am so sorry to have made you angry! I know I have been very idle lately; but I will work hard in future. I will indeed. Oh, I hope you will never flog me," he added, fervently.

"That depends on how you go on. If you persist in not learning your lessons, I will certainly give you a flogging with a birch rod," I said.

He gave a little shudder, and clasped his fingers tightly together.

"Have you ever been birched?" I asked.

The colour deepened in his cheeks, he cast down his eyes, and after a moment's hesitation replied in a low voice: "No, I have never been birched, but Mrs."-he checked himself, and did not pronounce the name which had been on the tip of his tongue-then he went on: "One of the ladies at the house where I lived spanked me three times to try and force me to do a certain thing I had refused to do. I told you that they had ill-treated me.»

I laughed, and said: "Well, I am very much surprised. I thought you had more spirit than to allow yourself to be spanked by a lady. And you say that you are over fourteen years of age?"

His face grew redder, he moved uneasily in his chair, and stammered out: "Oh-you-don't-understand. I- could-not help-myself. These-were-two-ladies. I-am -not,"-he stopped, and wrung his hands, looking utterly miserable and confused. I laughed again: "Oh, you need not tell me any more about it," I said, taking up a book and beginning to read. He also began turning over the leaves of a book, but I noticed that he appeared very ill at ease, and after a short time he bade me "good night," and went off to bed.

Master Frank was thoroughly frightened by my threatening him with the rod; he had evidently not thought that I would be so determined with him, and for some days afterwards I often noticed him looking at me in a timid son of way; but in time his fear appeared to wear off, and he began again to give trouble in many ways. He developed a waywardness of conduct, and his temper became very variable; at one time he was lively and talkative, and at another time sulky and depressed; he was often disobedient, and occasionally gave way to fits of passion. I could not make out what had come over him. His behaviour was tiresome, and it annoyed me, and though he was always sorry after he had misbehaved, I saw that he needed a taste of the birch to bring him to his senses; so I determined to flog him the next time he offended in any way.

Before another week had passed, he had received a birching.

He wrote a very good hand-which I do not-and one morning I wanted a manuscript copied; so I gave it to him, telling him to make a fair copy of it as soon as possible, as I wished to post it in the afternoon. It was not a long job, so I told him to have it done in an hour.

At the end of that time I went to the library expecting to find him there with the copy ready for me, but he was not in the room, nor had he even begun the work, for I saw the manuscript lying on the table beside a blank sheet of foolscap paper. I felt very angry, and resolved to birch him as soon as he made his appearance. I had not got a rod, but there were several birch trees growing in the grounds, so I went out and cut a few long, slender, sappy, green twigs, and soon made a first-rate rod; and, as I swished it in the air to test its flexibility, I said to myself: "Ah! master Francis, this will make your bottom smart." I went back to the library, put the rod in a drawer, and taking up a novel in which I was interested, I settled myself comfortably in an easy-chair beside the fire, and began to read.

In about an hour's time Frank came into the room. I put down the book and rose from my seat, "Why have you not copied the manuscript?" I said sternly, looking him full in the face, as he stood before me.

"Oh, I couldn't be bothered," he replied flippantly. I was very much astonished, as he had never answered me in such a saucy way before.

"You have deliberately disobeyed me, and you have answered me improperly. I am going to birch you," I said, angrily taking the rod out of the drawer, and holding it up for him to see. He was quite taken aback at the sight of it, and very much frightened; his face became scarlet and he began to tremble.

"Oh! don't birch me! Please don't birch me!" he exclaimed, bursting into tears, and stretching out his hands towards me, with an imploring gesture.

"Let down your trousers, and lie across the end of the sofa," said I, sharply.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" he cried. "I know I deserve to be punished, but please don't birch me. Punish me in any other way but that."

"I will not punish you in any other way. Let down your trousers at once. I did not think you were a coward."

"I am not a coward. I am not afraid of the pain. I can bear it. But I am ashamed to let down my trousers before you," he sobbed out.

"Don't be silly! When the lady spanked you, you had to let down your trousers; and it is more shameful for a boy to let down his trousers before a woman, than to let them down before a man. Now unbutton! Look sharp!"

"Oh! don't make me let down my trousers," he again said, beseechingly. I lost patience. "If you don't at once obey me, I will send for Wilson and get him to take down your trousers, and then hold you on his back while I flog you," I said, in a loud voice.

"Oh! don't do that. Don't do that!" he cried out, in terrified accents, with a look of horror on his face. "I will let down my trousers."

He turned half aside, and with trembling fingers, unfastened his braces, and unbuttoned his trousers, letting them slip down to his knees; and then he laid himself across the end of the sofa, with his hands resting on the floor at one side, and the tips of his toes on the other side, thus bringing his body into a curve with his bottom well raised up in a splendid position for receiving the rod. I could not understand why he had made so much fuss about letting down his trousers. It seemed very absurd.

Standing at the end of the sofa, I rolled tip the tail of his shirt, then tucking up his undershirt, I bared his bottom, and as I did so, he uttered a choking sob, covered his red face with both his hands, and a shudder passed over his whole body.

"Now let me see how bravely you can take a birching. Don't attempt to rise from the sofa, or to put your hands behind you," said I, raising the rod and making it hiss in the air over the doomed bottom, the flesh of which was instantly contracted in dread of the coming stroke.

I gave him eight strokes; not very severe ones, but they marked his bottom a great deal and turned it a deep red colour all over; for his skin appeared to be of delicate texture. He winced at each cut, twisted his hips from side to side, and cried with pain, the tears rolling down his cheeks; but he clenched his teeth, and never once bawled out; nor did he attempt to shield his bottom with his hands. In fact he took his punishment in a plucky manner, considering it was the first time he had felt the sharp sting of a birch.

He was not a coward after all. I told him to rise, adjust his dress, and go to his room; and he got up, standing with his face averted, holding his trousers up with one hand, and brushing the tears from his eyes with the other; then after a moment or two, he buttoned up, and walked out of the room sobbing, with his handkerchief to his face.

I put away the rod, and then went out to make some calls in the neighbourhood. I did not see Frank again until we met at dinner, and as he took his seat opposite to me at the table, he glanced at me shyly, and a deep blush spread over his whole face. As the butler was not in the room at that moment, I said laughingly: "Well, Frank, I suppose you feel a little tender behind. But what are you blushing so for, you young donkey? You are not the first boy who has had a birching. Most boys get a birching occasionally. They require it. I was often birched when I was a boy. It is nothing when you are used to it."

He gave a little shiver. "Oh, isn't it," he said, in a very doubtful sort of way; then went on with his dinner.

I could not help laughing at the way he spoke, but as he appeared to be low and wretched, I gave him a glass of wine. When the meal was over, and I had drawn an easy-chair up to the fire, and lighted my cigar, he came and sat near me in his usual manner, but did not speak; so I chatted to him and rallied him until he brightened up and began to talk. He had not a sulky temper, and he did not appear to bear me any malice.

After being silent a short time, he suddenly asked me, again blushing very red as he spoke: "Do you think that girls are often birched?"

"Not as often as they should be," I answered, laughing, "but many a girl does get birched by her mother, or governess."

"Did you ever know of a girl being birched by a man?" was his next question.

"Well, I can't say I actually know of a girl being birched by a man; but I have often heard that such a thing is by no means uncommon. And I have no doubt that some fathers birch their daughters."

My answer appeared to have given him a certain amount of satisfaction; and he asked no more questions, but sat staring at the fire, in deep thought. He did not seem inclined to talk much, and he went early to bed.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Kinky Japan Part 4: Tokyo Decadence

This is part 4 of our series about Japan. You can read part 1, part 2, and part 3 of our adventure by clicking on the respective links. Of course, we didn't only visit Kyoto on our trip, we also stayed in Tokyo for a few days.

I am not sure whether all of you know the film Tokyo Decadence, but it was one of the first movies containing BDSM elements which I ever saw. I have to admit that I like Nightlife in Tokyo much better than Tokyo Decadence (note to myself: have to write a post about that film one day), but there is at least one remarkable and memorable scene in the latter movie.

In that scene, a Japanese gentleman orders a submissive callgirl to stand in front of the huge window in his room which is located in a Tokyo skyscraper, stark naked, and perform erotic moves, slowly and focused. Since it is dark outside and the lights in the room are on, the show is not only for him to see, but probably for other spectators in the surrounding skyscrapers as well.

It was Ludwig's spontaneous idea to shoot our own version of Tokyo Decadence pictures in our hotel room in Tokyo. I have to admit that I enjoyed it very much. I don't think that anyone in the street noticed what was going on in our hotel room (since we were so discrete as to put out the lights), but if they did they might have had as much fun as we did!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Kaelah's Corner (Aug 2014):
Soap On A Rope

In the last weeks, I cleaned up my place and then rearranged quite a few things with Ludwig's help. In the process, I came across the little item shown in the pictures. Indeed it's a soap on a rope in the shape of a naked behind. It was a present I was given rather a long time ago by a vanilla friend after I had told her about my new discovery of the world of spanking.

I am of the opinion that this item which is so closely related to my early days in our community very much fits this post which marks my fifth blogiversary! So, I have decided to share this little anecdote with you and show you some pictures of this funny and special soap. When I started exploring my kink, it was great to realise that my vanilla friends were so relaxed and supportive about it. And what a journey it has been so far! Right now I am very busy with other things and kink isn't as much on my mind as it used to be which shows in my currently rather irregular posting schedule. We will find out what the future brings, though.

As you can see in the last picture, I couldn't resist to have some creative fun with the soap as well. I think it is even kinkier in its new form. The marks look a bit too bloody for my taste, but I like the neat lines. Five for the fifth blogiversary and one for luck.

Thank you all for your support during the last five years! It would be great to hear from you on my blogiversary. So please feel invited to say hello in the comment section. If you don't know what to say, maybe you like to answer one of the following two questions: Do you have any items or other things that remind you of your early days when you had just discovered the world of spanking? How would you have decorated the soap bottom?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Kaelah's Corner (Jul 2014):
What is Love?

Welcome, everybody, to a very belated edition of Kaelah's Corner. At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post about the influence that being kinky might have on the issue of finding a mate. This post was supposed to be the first one of a series of posts about different aspects of kink and relationships. As you can see, it took me quite a while to come up with the next one, but here it finally is.

Today's post is about the question what love is all about and how kink and sexuality are related to love. For me, it was a very tough question under what condition it was okay for me to say to Ludwig that I love him. That might sound weird to some of you. But I have been raised with a strict rule stating that lying is bad, especially concerning important things and to those people who are close to you. Now, love definitely is an important issue and I didn't want to tell Ludwig that I love him without being 100 per cent sure that he could rely on my words.

Funnily, the question never really came up until I met Ludwig. For instance, I have always been sure that I love my parents, simply because they are my parents and because they gave their best when raising me and took good care. But, I figured, love between mates was something different. One important difference between a mate and friends or relatives for me was that mates are having sex with each other and feel lust for each other. Plus, I thought, love for a mate should mean that he is the most important person on Earth for me, the one I most long for and most want to spend time with. It took some time after Ludwig and I met until I had the feeling that those requirements were met so that I could truly and rightfully tell Ludwig that I love him. But, was my definition of love between mates really correct?

As you know, Ludwig and I met through this blog and our kink, so spanking and sexuality played an important role in our relationship right from the beginning. But, there was much more than that. When I read his blog posts and we started exchanging mails, it was Ludwig's ability to look at things from different perspectives, his kindness and his care that made me feel understood and safe and made me want to meet him in person. In addition to that, we soon found out that we liked similar music, humour and more. Soon, Ludwig became a friend which for me was the basis for letting him introduce me into the world of spanking.

In our very first play, we listed the virtues our relationship was based on: openness and honesty, honour and respect, trust and responsibility, bravery (and pain, after all, this was kinky play). Our long talks revealed that we also had compatible ideas about, for instance, politics, ethics, work-life-balance, raising a family and sharing workloads between partners. At that time I was still a practising Christian and Ludwig an agnostic. Today we are both atheists, so that difference has gone as well.  All these aspects played an important role for my decision to become Ludwig's mate because they gave me the feeling that we had a good chance to build a happy, stable, well-working long-term relationship.

From today's perspective I would say that the requirements which from my view had to be fulfilled in order to rightfully state that I love Ludwig as my mate only focussed on very small aspects of what love can be. Plus, in a long-term relationship they can't be met all the time. In a long-term relationship the partners don't always feel lust for each other. One also doesn't always long for one's mate the most and doesn't always want to spend time with them. Alone time and time with others is important as well. That doesn't mean one doesn't love one's partner, though.

The German relationship counsellor Michael Mary distinguishes three forms of love which could be labelled as partnership, friendship and passionate love. Here is how he describes them:

Partnership is the basis for joint projects, for example, starting a family or a company, or coping with the daily life together. Negotiations, compromises, reliability, and the balance of benefits play a major role here.

Friendship lives through voluntary good deeds. A friend leaves his or her partner to be as he or she is, and expects the same from him. The central aspects for this kind of love are sympathy, respect and accepting one's partner as they are.

The emotional / passionate love lives off the mutual confirmation and encounter in intimate areas, such as sexuality, or individuality. Lovers give each other the feeling to be meant and loved in all aspects of their personality. In this love, feelings are most important, because one can not consciously choose whom one loves in this way, the decision is made by one's unconscious mind.

In his books, Michael Mary states that the three forms of love don't necessarily support each other. Quite the contrary, often they are contradictory. For instance, passionate love requires a certain level of distance between partners to increase the longing for each other. Too much distance doesn't go well with building a house, raising kids and sharing daily responsibilities, though. Sharing daily responsibilities also means making compromises and giving up a certain amount of personal freedom. That contradicts the field of friendship which requires partners to accept each other as they are and give each other lots of space for individual growth. Which is why the three forms of love usually can't all be similarly strong in a relationship, at least not at a certain point in time.

The thing is that today's media and many life counselling books try to make us believe that our love relationship(s) have to be perfect in all three aspects, that “real” love requires an A+ in all three fields. Which can lead to a lot of uncertainty and disappointment. It can make us feel inadequate. The message is: If your relationship doesn't work extraordinarily well in all fields, it means you haven't worked hard enough to make it happen.

Reality shows us that this is utter nonsense. I think this becomes very obvious in our kinky community as well. Some fellow kinksters say that they have a partner whom they love very dearly and have a great relationship with but who doesn't share their sexual kink. For others, kink and sex are very important in their relationship(s), but they don't share all aspects of their daily lives with their partner(s), keeping a certain level of distance between them feeding the longing for each other.

In Ludwig's and my relationship the three aspects aren't always similarly strong, either. In the beginning, we were still in the process of discovering each other and the passionate love played a very important role every time we had the chance to spend a few days with each other. Now that we know each other very well, our talks have become even more intimate than they were at the beginning of our relationship. We also have started to build a life together and share more responsibilities with each other. Our love is about much more than kink and sex. And even if the sexual thrill right now is less strong than it was in the very beginning (especially since we are both under lots of stress at the moment), that doesn't mean we don't love each other. Sometimes the different fields of love support each other. Sometimes they are contradictory. For instance, when I am feeling weak and burned out, Ludwig focusses on caring for me and supporting me as a friend and partner. This reduces his desire to have kinky sex with me and live out his sadistic fantasies.

Sometimes Ludwig and I both focus on the same aspect of love at the same time. Sometimes we have different needs and desires. That's the time when I easily start doubting that I can rightfully and truly say that I love Ludwig, because I still have my "old" requirements in mind. Can I really say I love him, when he wants to have sex and I don't? Can I really say I love him, when I realise that I want some alone time or time with friends? Can I really say I love him, when I find other men attractive? From what I now know about love I can. But still the feeling of inadequacy and doubt often remains.

Michael Mary's advice is to appreciate the kind of love and the love relationship one has, instead of always focussing on the things that aren't perfect. Ludwig and I have a very special love relationship in many different respects and I think we have a good chance of making it a very long-lasting one.

How about you? What does love mean for you? What are the most important aspects of love which you share in your relationship(s)? And how is the kink correlated to love for you? I look forward to reading your thoughts in the comment section!