Monday, December 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2018):
Positive Pain

This is the last and final part of my post about the most important change in Ludwig's and my life. In my first three posts New Horizons, Anticipation and Preparation and Crossing the Line, I told you about a very special and painful event we have gone through. Some of you already mused that it wasn't really a kinky experience I was talking about, and of course they were right. The event I described was my first delivery experience. As I revealed in my second LOL Day post, Ludwig and I already are proud parents of two little ones now, which has changed our lives forever.

As Spearthrower said, in a way my first three posts could be seen as a prank because I implied that I might be writing about a kinky experience, which I was not. Of course, I enjoyed heightening the suspense a bit by not telling you the good news right away. But there is more to it than that. In fact, the whole experience for me had quite some parallels to my kinky adventures, and it also told me some things about how my kink works and where my limits are. And this is what today's post will be about.

When talking about parallels between erotic spanking and giving birth, the first thing that of course comes to mind is the pain involved. There is more to it than that, though. It's not just about pain, it's that these are two of the very few occasions that come to my mind on which someone deliberately chooses to go through a painful event because the outcome, and partly also the experience itself, seem to be worth the pain!

And there have been even more parallels. When I prepared myself for the big event, I used many things that are important to me ahead of kinky experiences as well. I took the time to think about what would be important for me to make this a good experience, about possible pitfalls and about my limits. I chose an environment and people for the big day based on a positive gut feeling. I talked openly to the nurses and to Ludwig about my wishes and limits for the birth experience. I read reports from others and learned as much as possible about the process in general. But I was also aware that things don't always turn out the way one expects, and I tried to remain open for different developments. I used my kinky experiences to build up trust in my abilities to master intimate, scary situations, to deal with high amounts of pain and to communicate with those around me in order to make sure the experience turned out to be a good one.

When the labour pain finally set in, I tried to use my breathing to remain calm. After some time the pain seemed to become overwhelming, though, and I knew from the books that there should still be several hours ahead of me until it was done. So I said that I couldn't deal anymore and asked for an epidural. But I also trusted the nurse's advice and Ludwig's encouragement to try only a light painkiller at first. I didn't work out, but it bought me time. When I was finally about to get the epidural, it turned out that the pain level had been so high because the delivery went much faster than average. It was already in such an advanced state that the epidural didn't make any sense anymore, and I actually managed to go through the final phase without it.

Funny enough, the bearing-down pains didn't really feel painful to me. Instead, I was in a flow, just like some kinksters describe. The contraction was just like a pulse generator which told me to press and bring the baby a bit closer to seeing the light of day. Afterwards, I felt very relaxed and happy and enjoyed having that little bundle lying on me. But I didn't feel high, like many women apparently do, even though after delivering a baby there is as much endorphin in a woman's body as on almost no other occasion in our whole life. It didn't really surprise me, though, that I wasn't feeling high, since I don't have that after my kinky scenes, either.

I was very happy, though, to realise already on the evening after the birth that not only had the outcome been a positive one, but the experience itself had been a good one and not traumatising. Even then, right afterwards, I could already imagine doing it again, something that isn't granted to all women.

Still, for me, childbirth was a much more extreme scenario than anything I have ever done kink-wise.

The first reason is that, in a way, giving birth to a child is an event with no safeword. Once you are in labour, there is no way to stop the whole process. Of course, you can have pain-reducing medication. But, first of all, it can take time until you get it (about one hour for an epidural in the clinic I went to) and until it starts working. Secondly, the medication comes with certain risks and possible complications, so you have to trade off the positive effect against the possible negative ones. Third, this still doesn't stop the whole process, even if you find it, for instance, mentally challenging, and would like to get a break.

Can you imagine setting yourself up for a kinky event that lasts for many hours, maybe even a whole day or more, with no chance of knowing in advance how painful or how long it is going to be, and no chance to say stop when it becomes too much and you realise that the experience doesn't feel good? I have to admit that preparing for giving birth again reminded me that I would never do that. For me, no outcome of a kinky scene could be great enough to take that risk. As I said, I have read accounts from others who have done scenes like that with no safeword and not knowing exactly what would happen. For me, though, obviously only the prospect of having the child I longed for was a gain big enough to do something like that.

Even more, the more extreme kinky events I've read about usually were dark scenarios like kidnappings. I already was scared of an event that is without doubt a positive one with everyone around trying to support the mother-to-be. I definitely would never be able to do something that extreme in combination with a dark scene. As far as I understand it, the fellow kinksters who go for events like that get one or more of the following things out of it: the feeling of letting go completely, the experience of being broken and put back together, and the endorphin high that comes with realising that they have survived.

Opening up and letting go completely is something one also literally has to do when giving birth. Otherwise, the baby can't be born. So this was something I prepared myself for during my pregnancy, but it became clear to me that this is nothing I'm looking for in my kink.

As for being broken and put back together, and the feeling of survival – well, as those readers among you who accompanied us in recent years know, there haven't only been positive developments in our life. As a matter of fact, I've lost all my remaining grandparents and both of my parents, who weren't very old, in the last 10 years. If someone had told me ten years ago that this would happen, I would have broken down and thought I couldn't survive it, or that at least it would leave me mentally damaged. But I have held both of my parent's hands when they died, I survived, and I have learned and am still learning to deal with all that loss. Ludwig and the little ones are helping me a lot, even though having kids sometimes makes me miss my parents all the more. The scary feeling of not having much family left and of being the next in line will possibly remain (and the latter will most probably become stronger the older I get). But I know that I can survive even things that used to be a nightmare for me. It's nothing I search for in my kink, though. Reality has been more than enough in that regard.

Last but not least, extreme scenarios can of course come with a higher risk of causing permanent damage. The ones I have read about, fortunately, were very carefully planned and didn't cause that kind of damage. But very regular players, for instance, who also go for more severe scenes every now and then can at least develop weak spots that easily start to bleed. And of course scenes that don't turn out well can also be a psychological challenge. I, for one, realised that I wouldn't want to do a kinky scene that holds a higher potential risk of causing any kind of permanent damage, mentally or physically.

Having a baby for me was worth taking that risk, though. And unfortunately, having delivered two little ones indeed seems to have caused some problems. I am not only talking about the inevitable marks, the way carrying and bearing a child alters a woman's body forever. I am quite lucky in that regard, I can absolutely live with the rather small changes. But it seems that some intestine damage has occurred that might lead to serious health problems. Thus, I most probably will have to undergo surgery within the next few years. Doing sports during pregnancy and afterwards didn't prevent this from happening, and we will see how much physical therapy can accomplish. Even with the surgery, I am quite sure that the risk of certain health problems occurring, such as incontinence, has increased for me.

We are thinking about maybe having another baby. But due to my health problems, I have been warned. Still, I think that the little ones have been worth it, and I might even take the risk another time. I would never do that for a kinky experience, though, no matter how appealing it might be.

So, having become a mother confirmed one thing for me: kink and erotic spanking is there to make me feel strong and happy, nothing more and nothing less. I don't want to go to any extremes, and I don't really want to push my boundaries (anymore). I leave that to other fields in my life. My kinky experiences help me in extreme situations, though, as my childbirth experience proves. And it led me to the man who is now my husband, closest confidant and the father of my kids. What more could one expect from erotic kink?

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Global Day(s) of Delurk 2018 (Day 2):
1 + 1 = 4

This is the second day of this year's LOL Day event, and today's post will be the most personal and intimate one ever on this blog - which is saying a lot. As I explained yesterday, LOL Day 2008 was the very starting point of our relationship and of Ludwig's and my crazy kinky and vanilla journey that finally resulted in our marriage.

Since then our blogging has become rather infrequent, though. There were several reasons for this. After years filled with lots of kinky experiments and experiences, that part of our life had become less important. Plus, our vanilla life was very busy – job responsibilities, household chores, time with family and friends, a few minor health issues and even medical emergencies in our family.

But that wasn't the whole story. This blog has always been first and foremost about kink. In addition to that we have shared a few things about our development as a couple. It never was and never will be a vanilla couple's blog, though. We don't write posts about the two of us doing laundry together. And while we are very open about our kink, our erotic exploits and our relationship, we are very careful to protect the privacy of our vanilla environment.

That's why Ludwig and I were pondering for a while whether we should share this very special, intimate thing with you or not. But since it might actually be the most important step in our relationship, and since it explains why we have hardly had any time for kink or blogging, we finally decided to let you in on this very personal development. In a recent series of posts, I wrote about a special and rather painful event that altered our life. Some of you already figured out what I was writing about.

Here is the solution of the riddle (which will hopefully also explain why I left out a few details in my account): As the long-time readers among you might remember, I always wanted children. I already
pondered the question how to handle our kinkiness with little ones being around long before Ludwig and I were even married. Ludwig wanted kids, too, and our dream has come true. As a matter of fact, today we already are parents of not only one, but two wonderful little ones, a  girl and a boy!

We ask for your understanding that we won't share any more information about the two for the reasons mentioned above. But we hope that the revelation of our parenthood helps you understand why kink and erotic adventures don't play such an important role in our relationship any more, at least for the time being, and why keeping up this blog has been so difficult in the recent past.

I hope that you feel happy for us, despite the negative effects on our blogging. And I can only encourage the silent readers among you who ask themselves whether they should take the plunge and follow their kinky dreams and fantasies to sincerely consider doing so. As you can see, it can lead to things you might never have thought possible, which go far beyond erotic adventures. Or at least you might very probably find some kind new friends here in the spanking community. You are definitely very welcome to write a comment on our blog, share your experiences and ask questions anytime! A Happy LOL Day to all of you and thank you for reading!

Friday, November 16, 2018

Global Day(s) of Delurk 2018 (Day 1):
10th Anniversary


It's that time of the year again! Time to thank all our silent readers, those among you who read our blog and are interested in what we have to say but whom we don't know about because you don't feel the urge / don't like to / don't dare to write a comment. Some of you might have accompanied us for quite some time already, some might just have stumbled over our blog today. No matter who you are or how long you have been here, this is the day to tell you that we appreciate you taking your time to read this blog.

For us, Ludwig and Kaelah, this institution, invented by Bonnie and now organised and hosted by Hermione, has a very special meaning that goes far beyond celebrating the silent readers of our blog. This is the eleventh time this blog is taking part in LOL Day and at the same time it is the 10th anniversary of Ludwig and me making our first contact. Because on LOL Day 2008 I, being a complete newbie to erotic spanking at the time, left my first-ever comment on this blog under my old nickname K'Ehleyr.

At that time Ludwig thought his new commenter was a German guy, maybe with a Turkish heritage. Well, he found out how wrong he was when we started communicating via email. After a while, I asked Ludwig to lead me through my first erotic spanking experience, because I really came to trust him and felt that he was the right person to take this plunge with. We met in person for the first time, found out that the chemistry between us was indeed great, and shared a very elaborated and wonderful spanking initiation ceremony together.


Not much later we became a couple and started writing about our kinky journey here on this blog. The picture in this post was taken around that time. How young we were! Today, ten years after our very first contact, after a fantastic kinky journey that involved lots of writing for this blog, meeting like-minded people from around the world, participating in kinky events and shooting videos, we are married and living together as mates and confidants, sharing much more than just our kink.

You might have been wondering why our writing has become so infrequent in the last years, though. As we wrote, our day-to-day life is very challenging and our vanilla duties are rather time-consuming. But there is more to it than that. We pondered for a while whether to share this intimate part of our life here on our blog or not (funny to say that on a blog on which we have shared quite some intimate things). We finally decided to do so.

As a matter of fact, I already hinted at it in my last series of posts about a very painful and life-changing event Ludwig and I shared. You can read about the prolo
gue, the preparations and the actual event here. Some of you obviously already realised what happened exactly. Tomorrow in our second LOL Day post (or, Global Day of Delurk, as we like to call it here) we will share more with you.

Until then, we want to use this opportunity to thank Bonnie for having created this special event and Hermione for hosting LOL Day XIII. And a big thank you to all of you out there who have been reading this and have taken the time to accompany us on our journey. We would be very happy to hear from all of you, but of course we also accept your wish to remain silent if that's what suits you. May many of you be as happy as we are and not only get the chance to live our their kinky erotic fantasies but also meet many friendly people here in this community and maybe even that one special person to share your life with.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Oct 2018):
Crossing the Line

This is the third part of my series of posts about a very special, painful event which I decided to put myself through with Ludwig's support and which in my opinion altered my life. You can find the first two parts here and here. Today I want to tell you about the experience itself. I won't write much about the exact setting, location and action, though. I will leave that to your imagination. My focus will be on my thoughts and feelings throughout the experience instead. You will learn more about what happened in my next post which will be the final one in this series.

In my last post about the anticipation before the event I told you that I only knew a certain time range when it would take place, but not the exact date and time. I thought that it would most possibly start quite early in the time range, but at first nothing happened. The knowledge that it definitely would happen anytime soon made me nervous, though. It was a time in which I was very busy and I had the feeling that I wasn't ready for such a big event, yet. So I focussed on the stuff I had to do and tried not to think too much about what might or might not happen and how I would deal with the situation.

One evening I had finished yet another important task and I told Ludwig that now it seemed that the event could take place because all the big points on my current to-do-list were finished. When I woke up the next morning, I promptly got the signal that this would be the day. At that point Ludwig almost seemed to be a little bit more nervous than I, knowing that all he would be able to do was to be at my side. We packed the things we were supposed to bring and waited.

We were soon fetched by a van and driven to the location. Ludwig was in the front and I in the back. There were no windows for me to look out on the street, but I knew approximately were the car was. I had been to the location as part of my preparation, so I knew where we were going. The last time I had been there I was very nervous because I was very aware that the next time I would enter the place there would be no way back.

The drive wasn't too long. The van stopped and Ludwig and I were escorted into the house. At first we were guided to a preparation room. A staff member checked in with me and told me that she would be the one to guide me through the first part of the experience. I should explain that this wasn't supposed to be a dark experience. Long-time readers know that I am not into that and that I would most probably never set myself up for an event that is not only physically challenging but contains dark psychological elements as well. Instead, throughout this experience I always had the chance to ask for the help of a kind of mentor to support me mentally and to help me let loose.

A few preparations were done and Ludwig and I were informed that it might take some time for the experience to start. I was nervous, but I also really wanted it to start now that there was no way back, anyway. I took the chance to grab at least a little bite to eat since I hadn't had breakfast and probanly wouldn't be able to eat for a while during the event.

It started sooner than I had feared. At first, I managed to deal with the pain quite well, although it was different from what I had expected. The action was faster than I had thought and there were fewer breaks for me to recover than I had hoped. For a while I managed quite successfully not to fight the pain, instead letting myself fall into it and using it to open up. But after a while I struggled more and more and I started to panic because I had the strong feeling that I couldn't deal, especially considering that this was supposed to be a rather long experience and the worst part was still yet to come.

So I asked my guide for help. I knew that I had the chance to ask for the staff to help me ease the challenge. But that was under two conditions: First of all, the request could only be fulfilled with a time lag. Secondly, it came with the downside of most probably prolonging the event. And of course the aim was to let the experience unfold with as little intervention as possible. Having that in mind my guide tried to convince me to try other ways to help me cope with the situation. Ludwig, who thought that I was very tough and still coping rather well, agreed.

I wasn't really convinced, but I gave it a try, only to realise after a short while that it didn't work out. I knew myself well enough to know that I couldn't deal with such a high impact for what was supposed to be a few more hours! So again I asked for help.

As a result Ludwig and I were brought into another room with a new guide to support me. I was nude now, but interestingly that didn't make me feel vulnerable. The pain became worse and worse, though, much faster than I had expected from what I had heard and read, until it almost seemed like a single steady impact which only increased and decreased a bit over time. That was the moment in which my new guide told me that her advice would be to go through with the rest without any intervention because it would soon be over, anyway, and interfering might stop the process of letting go and make the experience much longer than it would be otherwise.

At first I cursed, feeling that I should have requested help earlier, but then I realised that this held a big chance, too. So I agreed and tried to focus on my final goal to let go completely. My guide suggested new positions which helped me and allowed Ludwig to help me through the final stage. And suddenly it happened. The pain seemed to ease up. Again it came in waves now and I just took it as a kind of impulse to ride the pain and let it help me to let go.

For a moment I thought about the marks the experience would leave. But I knew that no permanent damage had been done, so I pushed the thought aside and focussed on my breath and riding the waves instead. The last ones were announced and I really managed to let go completely. Then it was suddenly over. I was happy and relieved. I had more endorphins in my body than ever before, but unlike others I wasn't flying. That didn't surprise me, though, since I have never been flying from a kinky or any other experience. But I felt very calm and proud.

I got the chance to lie down, covered by a blanket. Ludwig was at my side, telling me how proud he was. Someone came to take care of my wounds. My guide looked after me as well. I got the confirmation that the experience had indeed been shorter and faster than most of the times. It was okay for me. My guide told Ludwig that we should take our time and he could get us something to eat. When he came with bread and other little snacks I realised that I was as hungry as a lion.

At night in our bedroom, Ludwig and I talked about the experience. About what had happened and how we had felt. It had been so intense. We didn't sleep a single hour that night, knowing that it had indeed been a very special event. And regardless of how hard it had been throughout, I already knew that the outcome had been worth it and that I might even do it again. Still, we had no idea at that point how life-altering the experience really would turn out to be. But that's a story for another post...

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2018):
Anticipation and Preparation

It took me quite a while, but here it is, the second part of my series of posts about a very special experience! As I explained in part 1, I had set myself up for a rather painful event that involved a certain degree of loss of control on my behalf, something I am not usually into. But this experience was something I deeply longed for, and so it seemed to be worth the risk.

As the regular readers among you know, I am sort of a perfectionist, at least when it comes to things that are dear to my heart. My very first spanking experience with Ludwig, for instance, was very well-planned and well-prepared. During that scene I also gave up control to Ludwig, in a clearly-defined framework. When I set myself up for my new experience, though, I knew that this time I wouldn't have as much influence on what was about to happen as I had had then.

Still, I tried my very best to make sure that it would become a good, empowering experience and to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I chose the place and the people who would guide me through the experience. We talked about my preferences, limits, fears and hopes. I didn't know who exactly would be there on that special day, but the whole team and their philosophy seemed to be the right choice.

Of course, I also read accounts from those who had gone through the experience before and I spoke with others who had done it or planned to do it just like me. Ludwig and I talked a lot as well, and it was clear that he would accompany and support me. I also tried to prepare myself mentally and physically. It definitely was an exciting time!

That doesn't mean that I felt good all the time, though, or that I didn't have any doubts. As the event drew nearer (I didn't know when exactly the whole thing would take place, just a time range), the thought of not being able to back out anymore was indeed quite scary. When the prospect threatened to overwhelm me, I tried to distract myself in order not to dwell too much on what might or might not happen. But overall, the anticipation was of a rather positive and thrilling kind, and from deep within my heart something told me that going through this was the right thing to do and that it would change my life for the better.

Looking back, I think that I mastered the time of anticipation so well because I felt that I also did a lot of preparation during that time - as much as that was possible, given I was kind of going into the unknown. It was clear that no amount of reading, talking or training could really prepare me for what was about to happen. But still, my preparations gave me the feeling that I wasn't blindly running into something stupid which would turn out to be a bad experience. I was doing as much as I possibly could to make sure that everything would work out as I hoped it would.

In that regard there wasn't much difference to my first spanking experience. In 2009, I also had no real idea what I was setting myself up to. I knew that I had those special erotic fantasies, I had found a man whom I trusted so much that I asked him to bring one of those fantasies to life with me, I also had certain ideas about the right scenario and mood (for instance, I wanted a rite of passage rather than a dark punishment scenario). But still, I had no idea how a real spanking would feel like, how I would react and whether I would really like the real thing. Back then, my heart also told me that I had to take the plunge. And that was not only the beginning of an exciting kinky journey, it also was a very important step in the process of me and Ludwig becoming lovers and mates.

Still, I think my behaviour clearly shows that I am a control freak, in my kink as well as in my vanilla life. I can and do enjoy anticipation, but I enjoy the act of preparing things even more. Waiting passively isn't my thing. Especially not when the upcoming event is one where I am not going to be in control.

And so, I prepared myself and waited. I tried not to think about what might go wrong but to trust myself and my body that this had been the right decision and that I would be able to handle what was to come. And I enjoyed anticipating how I might feel afterwards and how the outcome of that special experience would enrich my life. That was until that one morning when what had been a mind game so far suddenly was about to become real...

How about you? Do you enjoy the feeling of anticipation? How do you deal with upcoming events that make you nervous? Do you distract yourself, play out things in your head or maybe actively prepare yourself? Is it different in regards to kink or vanilla life? How important are anticipation and preparation for your kink? I am curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Aug 2018):
Ninth Blogiversary

It's hard to believe, but a few days ago was my ninth blogiversary! Nine years of kinky blogging. That's really a long time. The beginning seems so far away already. But I still remember how nervous and excited I was when my first-ever post went online. And how happy when I got really nice and welcoming comments from our readers.

It was one important milestone in a long journey that started with me writing my first comment on this blog as a new reader and someone who was completely new to erotic spanking and hadn't ever tried it out for real. It continued with Ludwig and me exchanging emails, then meeting in person and my first spanking scene with him just a short time later. We finally became a couple and I started writing for this blog at the end of August in 2009.

In the last nine years I've written hundreds of posts about our kinky adventures and about our development as mates and a now married couple. What a ride it has been!

As I told you in my last post, our life is quite out of control right now because we have to cope with the loss of a close family member and are drowned in the work that comes with administering an estate. That's why posts are very rare at the moment and will be for a few more weeks.

Still I am looking very much forward to continuing my series of posts about a very special experience that I've made a while ago which was a life-altering one. I hope I will at least manage to release the second part in September.

Until then I would like to thank you all very much for having accompanied us throughout the years and for all the friendly, thoughtful and personal comments that still make me very happy today!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2018):
Silence

This is just a short post to let you know that Ludwig and I are okay and to say sorry for not having published your comments in the past weeks. The reason why there haven't been any new posts is that we had another medical emergency in our close family, which sadly led to the death of a loved one this time. Ludwig and I haven't even had much time to grieve, yet, because we are buried in the organisational stuff that comes with losing a family member. In the upcoming weeks we won't have much time to catch our breath, either, so my next Kaelah's Corner post probably will be the first occasion on which I will be able to write another post.

I will definitely moderate your comments in the coming weeks, though! The problem was that Blogger for some reason decided to not send any notification mails about new comments anymore, neither to me nor to Ludwig, even though we hadn't changed anything in the settings. I checked my mails regularly, but didn't see any new comments awaiting publication. So I thought there weren't any. My explanation was that my last Kaelah's Corner post was the first in a series, so maybe our readers would wait and only comment on the later posts.

It was Gustofur's mail that alarmed me and made me find all the unmoderated comments on Blogger. Thank you very much, Gustofur! And thanks to Stephen.sir99 for having created a nickname and for not having given up commenting. I will reply to your comments in more detail, as soon as I find the time, but I want to use this post to at least already say thank you to those who shared their thoughts and own experiences on my last post – Gustofur, Steven.sir99, Canelover and Val. And to the anonymous commenter who informed me about the video clips that don't work anymore: thanks a lot for the notification. Ludwig and I will re-upload the clips as soon as we can, but due to all the work we have here, it might be a little while.

So much for now. Sorry about the silence, and please stay tuned! By the way, the comment notification seems to be working again now. I found out that it was a general issue with Blogger which many other users experienced as well, but apparently, it can be fixed by deleting the email adresses in the settings and then re-adding them. I've tried that and hope it really works (I've already got my first notifications)!