Saturday, December 31, 2011

Kaelah's Corner (Dec 2011):
A Past And Future Secret


2011 is coming to an end, and I would like to conclude the year with a few thoughts about the future. Not about the immediate future, though, but about the long run.

In a discussion with Rainer from the German Spanking Forum Spankingfreunde, the topics of how much to reveal about oneself in the online spanking community and data protection came up. I told Rainer that I am not willing to share information like the city I live in, its postal code or my date of birth online, even in the protected environment of a spanking forum. Rainer was surprised and asked me whether I wasn't committed to what I am doing here. I'm showing my face, so why not tell my date of birth?

My answer is that my caution hasn't got anything to do with not being committed to what I am doing here. But information about my postal code and my date of birth in combination with the other information which I have shared about myself here would make it easy to find my real name. And once my real name is connected to Kaelah online, every neighbour, workmate and prospective new boss can find out everything about my most intimate desires by simply googling my name.

Now, first of all, I only want to share these things with people like me, who are interested in erotic kink. Secondly, I'm taking a big risk by sharing pictures and clips. The knowledge that one's employee has visited a forum about this or that fetish might not be such a big thing for a boss in most cases. If I were merely one more forum visitor, I probably wouldn't want that to be found out by accident, either, but the prospect wouldn't scare me too much. But making porn (even if there is no vanilla sex involved), that is something completely different for many people!

Even people who are “just” outed as being kinky are often confronted with stupid assumptions like being a potential rapist, as we could see once again this year, or a danger to children. I also have been told the story of a photographer who made aesthetic erotic pictures (not even kinky ones, as far as I know) in his leisure time and suddenly had problems with getting professional jobs because of it. So, what about a couple who are kinky AND have published erotic pictures and spanking clips? I have to admit that I don't think our society is open-minded enough to deal with that.

Friends have warned me that there might soon be new ways of tracing down people online and revealing the real identities behind nicknames and photos. I have to be aware of the risk that one day, it might be quite easy for someone who, for example, gets an application form to search the internet for activities of that person, no matter whether a nickname was used or not. Even if Ludwig and I then decided to shut down our blog, there is no way of deleting all the online pieces of writing, comments, pictures and clips, especially since some of them have been made with professional producers.

So, sometimes when I think about Ludwig's and my future, fears come up. I see us outed and harm being brought to our family members and friends. There are pictures in my mind of us not being able to pay our bills because no one wants to give us a job anymore. I imagine youth welfare officers knocking on our door because some neighbour has called them in order to check whether our children are taken good care of. And I see me asking myself whether the fun of blogging and publishing pictures and clips was worth taking the risk of such an awful aftermath.

But even when I think about being outed, there is a part of me that imagines how I will use that situation to convince others that being kinky is nothing bad or dangerous. I see Ludwig and me holding our heads up high, not willing to be ashamed of anything we have done, and finally succeeding by proving that it's the prejudices against kink that are dangerous and wrong, not the kink itself.

I don't know what the future will bring. I'm not sure how long Ludwig and I will go on blogging or being a part of the online spanking community at all. I can't say for sure how I will evaluate our adventure as spanking bloggers in ten years' time. And I have no idea how the possible aftermath of all this might look like.

What I know, though, is this: I have met the man of my life through this blog and his clip-making activities. Writing, getting a positive feedback and kicking of discussions with my posts is something I enjoy tremendously. Taking creative erotic pictures and publishing them makes me feel womanly, sexy and happy. Publishing a clip gives me a wonderful thrill. And sometimes the greatest thing of all happens: I get a nice comment or email from someone who tells me that our writing has inspired him or her.

I've made a decision. I enjoy what I am doing. Sometimes I'm scared. But I'll deal with the aftermath my choice will bring. And I definitely won't ever regret not having taken the plunge. 2012 will be another exciting year on my journey and as a kinky blogger. I hope to see you all again then. Have a wonderful New Year's Eve and may 2012 bring you happiness and lots of kinky fun!

And if you like to share some thoughts about your own kinky future, I'll be happy to read about it. What are your fears? What are your hopes? Which risks are you willing to take?

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Severity: Fantasy vs Reality

Ludwig and I aren't very big on role-playing in our private kink, but we want to try a few things in the future. With that plan comes an important question, though, which I would like to discuss with you today: How intense must / should / can a spanking be which is supposed to allow the spankee to enjoy the kinky role-play situation in which the spanking is embedded?

The reason for me to ask this question is this: I realised during past experiences that I don't seem to be able to mentally keep up a hot kinky fantasy when I'm really struggling to go through a spanking. With a gradual build-up and the chance to catch my breath in between the strokes it is okay, even if the spanking is challenging.

If it gets too hard, though, I get into some kind of “heroine / survival” mode. Which means there is no energy left to keep up any erotic fantasy and all that remains is me, the pain and the feeling that I have to be as brave as possible, which prevents me from letting go in that situation.

Love taps, on the other hand, don't work for me, either. If a spanking barely hurts at all, it is hard for me to pretend it does. It seems like I need a certain amount of pain to trigger my fantasies, especially if those fantasies are centred around a formal, non-sexual spanking scenario.

As the more regular readers of this blog know, I'm not into surviving a thrashing just to feel empowered afterwards. Feeling completely miserable during a spanking doesn't do it for me, even if the fantasy I'm playing out is one in which the spankee is punished.

In order to be hot and to give me a chance to let go, it seems to me that a real spanking in a role-play scenario must be challenging but still more bearable than its fantasy equivalent. One could say that the spanking has to be real but not too real... It seems that there must be a kind of ambiguity which allows me to keep up the fantasy that the spanking is real, but at the same time allows me to inhabit the hot fantasies which come along with it.

I think that this is a very hard job for a top! That's why I would like to ask our readers whether anyone has made similar experiences. How does role-playing work for you? Does the severity of a real spanking have to match the severity of your fantasy or does there have to be a difference between the two in order to make the real scenario work for you? And to the tops: How are your experiences with making a role-play scenario work? If you have any thoughts on the topic, I'll be glad to hear them!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Christmas Caning


In Germany, the Christmas festivities already start in the afternoon of the 24th. Ludwig and I are using the holidays to relax and share time with our families. Yesterday was a rather kinky day for us, though.

First, I read some Christmas related posts on other kinky blogs and watched Erica Scott's free Christmas video clip which was very funny. Then our own Christmas present, the LOL-Day clip titled 48 was crossed. I had a nice email-exchange with Stan/E. from Au Fil Des Jours and realised a short time later that he had written a post about our conversation and linked to the clip as well. Finally, Pandora Blake's new site Dreams Of Spanking was launched and with it my first clip as a top.

In the evening it was play time. Ludwig and I participated in Abel's "Spankvent" calendar. It was inspired by the German advent calendar tradition and many different people from all over the world took part. Ludwig and I had claimed the 23rd as our day, and so we were up for a spanking that somehow included the number 23.

We hadn't made any conctrete plans, though, and decided to come up with an idea spontaneously. We hadn't even made up who was going to be on the receiving and who on the administering end. I was in a rather toppy mood at first, but Ludwig made it clear that I wouldn't get my hands on him that evening. He already has at least two scenes on the receiving end to come, which is more than enough from his point of view...

So, I would be the one to take the spanking this time. We started with back massages, though, because both of us needed some relaxation. Then Ludwig gave me a joyful and crisp hand spanking on my bottom and upper thighs which made me wriggle and moan. Leia-Ann Woods has recently written a very interesting post about pain thresholds. I assume it was due to my tiredness that mine was a bit low yesterday. Which meant more vivid reactions and more joy for Ludwig.

I didn't give in without a fight, though, and tried to get some revenge by tickling him. Soon we were in the midst of a wrestling fight which I was of course bound to lose. But at least I managed to take Ludwig's head into a leg scissors for a moment and used his surprise to tickle him and make him wriggle.

Ludwig finally decided that he was in a gracious mood and that he would give me 23 strokes with our "nice" flogger. He told me to touch my toes for them, though, because I had mocked him about being more flexible than him during our fight. I did as I was told and received 23 full force strokes with the flogger. While this particular specimen is much nicer than the rubber one we have, it has a good sting nonetheless when applied with vigour. I duly counted the strokes and managed to go through the flogging without making a fuss or breaking position.

Ludwig looked at my bottom after the strokes and told me that there wasn't much marking, except on my right hip where the tips of the flogger had landed. Our initial plan had been to take a picture for our readers, but there wouldn't be much too see so far. I didn't hesitate long, went to the toy bag and brought Ludwig an unpeeled short cane. He gave me a questioning look. "You can give me another 23 with that cane OTK", I explained. And added: "They don't have to be too hard, you know?"

So over his knee I went. And five strokes later I deeply regretted my idea! The strokes weren't too hard, but Ludwig has a deadly wrist-flick and that nasty little cane stings like hell. I told Ludwig that this obviously hadn't been a good idea. Not surprisingly his point of view was different. Dutifully he applied stripe after stripe pushing down my neck with his left hand while I was counting, wriggling and moaning.

When he even speeded up the spanking towards the end, I nearly didn't have any time left to catch my breath. My whole body was getting hotter by the second and I started to sweat. Then the last stroke fell, which was of course the hardest. Funnily, it was almost easier for me to take than the previous lighter ones, as I had already experienced earlier.

I lay over Ludwig's lap gasping for breath and trying to recover. Tears swelled in my eyes from the struggle and the subsequent relaxation. Ludwig stroked my back and told me that I didn't have to worry, that my reactions had still been very restrained. He gave me a few light smacks with his hand and I duly started counting them before asking him whether I actually had to. Ludwig told me that I didn't have to count and that I could get up. This time there were lovely marks on my bottom which could be captured on photo.

So our Spankvent evening ended with a little photo session. The light wasn't great, but Ludwig managed to take the nice picture above nonetheless. With that we wish you all a happy and peaceful festive season and those who celebrate it a Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

48: The Spanko's Answer to Everything


When the computer Deep Thought was asked for the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, its solution after a long time of mathematical processing was 42. When I asked for the Answer to the Ultimate Question about the Visitors of Ludwig's Rohrstockpalast on the Global Day of Delurk 2011, the answer I got was slightly different: 48. That does make sense, though, because kinksters love to add six of the best!

Thanks to everyone who commented on Love Our Lurkers Day. With your kind help, we created the little clip that you can download for free below. No complex storyline or costumes this time, but lots of action. And the time we saved for writing a story and buying customes went into new experiments with lighting, the ultimate quest for good camera angles and the post-production.


So, we hope that our early little Christmas present this year allows you to take a little timeout from all the stressful preparations for the festive season. Enjoy! And if you like and can spare the time, take a minute or two afterwards and say hi.

WMV format, resolution 720 x 576, 321 MB:
Uploaded.net link

(Click on "Free Download", wait for the counter to count down, then solve the captcha and download the file.)

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Subject: Humiliation

Last month, Leia-Ann Woods published a very thought-provoking post about the topic of humiliation. Leia-Ann enjoys various forms of humiliation in her kinky play, and she asked herself and her readers why certain activities are considered to be humiliating. Her theory was that the concept of humiliation is linked to social conditioning.

Leia-Ann illustrated her theory in the context of four different forms of humiliation which she finds hot in kinky play: exposure of flesh, public humiliation, sexual acts and positions for punishment. From Leia-Ann's point of view all these things feel humiliating for her because they are contrary to her social conditioning, the code of behaviour she has been raised with. Formulas like: Don't expose yourself (and especially not your intimate parts) in front of others! Or: Don't do anything sexual in front of others! And: Don't participate in any strange sexual practises (like anal sex)!

Leia-Ann's post made me think a lot about my own concept of kinky humiliation and why certain aspects work for me and others don't. I started writing a comment on her post, but it became so long that I decided to publish a whole post about the subject instead. Since I only enjoy humiliation in a very specific context and only with Ludwig, my question goes a bit further than Leia-Ann's original one.

I asked myself: Which things do I find humiliating? Under which circumstances do I find these things humiliating in a sexy, kinky way and under which circumstances do they feel humiliating in an abhorrent, wrong way? And finally: Are there any links to my social conditioning and past experiences?

Although Leia-Ann's fantasies are often very different from mine, I'm definitely with her about positions and different levels of nudity. I find both aspects humiliating in a very hot way! For me, these fantasies are very closely connected to very intimate and explicitly sexual scenes, though, and that is something I only share with my partner Ludwig. In non-sexual scenes, similar acts can be a complete turn-off.

The point is, I guess, that in non-sexual scenes, acts of humiliation often don't have any sexy association for me. Instead, they remind me of real, non-consensual forms of humiliation and my real fears of being humiliated in front of others. That's why even acts which are considered to be only mildly humiliating by many people, like standing bare-bottomed in the corner, can make me feel very uncomfortable (and not in a sexy way). Especially if they happen in front of others, which in my opinion has to do with negative experiences with peer groups which I have made in the past.

The special conditions of very intimate scenes on the other hand allow me to find seemingly strongly humiliating acts hot and sexy. I think two important aspects cause that positive thrill:

First, in order to be hot, the humiliation must concern an aspect I have a positive relationship with. That is definitely true for my sexuality. It wouldn't be true for example for my physical fitness, which is why stress positions don't work for me.

Secondly, there must be a certain form of ambiguity, meaning that a part of me enjoys the act because it fits my fantasies. The activities that are the hottest for me are those which underline my sexuality and point out upcoming spankings or explicitly sexual activities. And these are definitely things I enjoy and am looking forward to! Certain positions or forms of exposure heighten the anticipation of these upcoming events. A second important form of ambiguity concerns the top: While Ludwig might do humiliating things in a scene, I know that he doesn't really want to humiliate me in the sense of making me feel bad. He definitely enjoys challenging me, though, and he loves to fulfil my fantasies as well.

In my opinion, my social conditioning plays an important role in causing that hot feeling of ambiguity: I have never been taught that either nudity or sexuality are in any way bad or wrong. Had I been raised in a prude, anti-carnal way, I might not be able to enjoy sexual kinky play at all. But at the same time I have learned that I am the one who decides about intimate aspects of my body and about my sexuality. And I have been taught to only share intimacy with someone I love and trust. Plus, being self-dependent is very important for me.

So, giving my mate control over my body in our sexual play causes a very special thrill. I give something away to him which is very precious to me and which I wouldn't give to anyone else. But I do it in the trust that he would never hurt me and that he is going to make me feel sexy, womanly and loved instead. That special combination doesn't only feel edgy, at the same time it causes a strong and wonderful erotic thrill and leads me to hot and amazing places.

How about you? Is there any form of humiliation which you find sexy? If yes, under which circumstances? Do you think that there is any connection to your social conditioning and to past experiences? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

At the Circus (Part 1):
My First Visit

(Petgirls Marlin, Jane and Gundula, from l. to r., 
waiting for some attention)

As Ludwig already announced in his Semi-Hiatus post, we went to a SM-Circus shoot in August with the lovely Pandora Blake. I've meant to write about it for a while, but Ludwig and I wanted to tell you about an earlier visit to the Circus first. Ludwig had planned to write that report himself, but since he didn't find the time, we finally decided that I'm going to write the complete trilogy.

The Circus anniversary party I'm going to write about today was a bit more special for me, anyway, because it was my first-ever visit to the Circus. The anniversary show took place back in 2010, on the fifth anniversary of the SM-Circus (or, as it is now officially called again, Circus Sands). Direktor Sands had invited many friends for the live show.

Ludwig had already been to the Circus two times, one time with Niki Flynn and Amelia-Jane Rutherford, and a second time with Pandora. I had met Direktor Sands and the SM-Circus crew after Pandora's first shoot and at the BoundCon in 2009, but I had never been to a shoot or one of their shows. So the anniversary show was my first live event at the Circus. The show was not just performed in front of the live audience, though, it was also immortalized on film.

(Marlin and Gundula engaged in a sponge fight.)

The stars of the day were the three petgirls Marlin, Jane and Gundula. They competed in different challenges, for example the sponge contest, limbo, blind searching, ponygirl training and even Russian Roulette! Herr Direktor Sands only shot a ballon, but I was still very happy to watch from the safe distance of the auditorium.

The nice thing about the Circus and its petplay shows is that the show is only partly planned in advance and lots of things happen spontaneously. The loveliest scene on that day, from my point of view, was such an unplanned stunt, performed by petgirl Jane. She had found a dog bone and was so fond of her new toy that she didn't want to give it back. Direktor Sands insisted on her giving back her toy because he wanted to start with the final feeding of the pets. Jane pretended not to know anything about a bone and hid it behind her back.

 
(Marlin doing the limbo.)

Direktor Sands's final threat: “If you don't give me the bone right now, you won't get fed today.” Without hesitating, petgirl Jane grabbed her toy, walked (or, better, crawled) past a stunned Direktor, climbed back into the cage and closed the door behind her. With a triumphant grin on her face and her toy in her paws she watched Marlin and Gundula being fed.

After the first part of the show there was a break in which a band called Kyoll performed live. Kyoll had also given the Circus a great gift, they composed and recorded music for the videos of the Circus. For their live performance, Kyoll was accompanied by a beautiful young dancer called Galatea.

Obviously one member of the band had been very impressed by the circus show and Direktor Sands's counting system for punishment strokes, because he suddenly shouted in the direction of Galatea: “Dance for us or you'll get sixty!” A risky idea given Galatea's enormous finger nails. She chased him for a moment, but he got away lightly... As you can imagine, Ludwig was very amused by that particular scene.

(Gundula chastised for one of many misdeeds.)

After the break, Marlin and Jane participated in an interrogation game, one after the other. They wrote a number on a piece of paper, the secret information they were supposed to protect. Then they entered a circle, subjected to Director Sands's interrogation methods. The game was over once they either left the circle or gave away their number. Director Sands tried various different torture methods on both of them: whips, tasers (gladly the big cattle prod wasn't used) and clamps. Both participants proved to be very tough and only gave in after a long time!

With the interrogation scenarios ended an interesting and funny event, my first live show at Circus Sands. Everyone gathered together for a bit of small talk afterwards. I very much liked the relaxed atmosphere at the Circus. At that time I had no idea that I would be back for a shoot less than one year later, though. And this time I would be involved in the action as well! You'll hear more about that in my next two Circus reports.

 (Kyoll and dancer Galatea in action.)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Spanking Porn: Where Are You?

Edouard Manet: Un bar aux Folies-Bergère

This is the second part of my mini series about spanking porn related topics. The first post was about compartmentalization, something Ludwig is much better at than I am. Today I would like to discuss an aspect which Ludwig and I seem to handle quite similarly.

It's the question where you picture yourself when watching spanking porn. Are you just an observer? Or are you part of the picture, like in Manet's “Un bar aux Folies-Bergère“ where, at least in one possible interpretation of the scene, the viewer appears as the male customer in the mirror? If you are part of the picture, where are you exactly?

Ludwig and I found out that we both watch spanking porn as mere observers. We don't become part of the scene and we don't mentally take the position of either of the participants. Even later, when we reuse parts of a film, we usually don't fantasize about re-enacting a scene with one of the participants. It's the scenario, the position, the dynamics between the characters or maybe the look of the marks we use as an inspiration for scenarios which we either fantasize about or play out together for real. The models usually aren't part of any re-enactments, even not of mental ones.

That doesn't mean that the actors and actresses aren't important, though. Sometimes, Ludwig and I can watch spanking films for the pure eye-candy factor. But we both prefer films that involve models who don't only offer a nice sight, but seem to be intelligent and interesting people as well. If we like a model, we want to know more about him or her. So, behind-the-scenes reports, interviews or blog-writing make models and their film scenes usually more sexy and interesting for us.

Sometimes we also start fantasizing about models. Usually not about re-enacting one of the film-scenes they have done or about playing with them in private, though. If we like the work of a certain model very much, we start developing ideas for film projects which we could make together, a creative collaboration that caters to the model's and our fantasies and which allows us to meet a model we like and get to know her or him in person.

So, this is where Ludwig and I picture ourselves when we are watching spanking porn or re-enacting parts of what we have seen. How about you? Are you an observer or a participant? Does it change from film to film? Is there a difference between watching the film and fantasizing about it afterwards? What about the models? Which part do they play for you? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Kinky Hotel: The Bath Tub


What could be more relaxing after a long day of sightseeing than a hot bubble bath? Well, maybe a hot bubble bath plus a spanking! I love spending time in the bath tub, especially if it is part of such a beautiful old-style bathroom like the one you see in the pictures. Isn't it beautiful? Ludwig and I nearly took a bath every day during our stay in that hotel. And of course we couldn't resist the opportunity of taking some photos.


Spankings on wet bottoms seem to be a favourite for many people. I have to admit that seeing my partner naked in the bathroom can indeed be very tempting. Especially if he bends over to pick something up or to dry his feet after the bath! And I love it when Ludwig gives me playful smacks or feels tempted to touch my bottom in the bathroom.


More explicit sexual practises can of course be lived out in a bath tub as well. And the great thing is: You don't have to clean up any mess afterwards. But I'm too shy to write more about that...

So, I'll ask you a question instead: What are your kinky fantasies and experiences when it comes to bath tubs? Feel free to share your stories in the comment section!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Versatile Blogger Award

Ludwig and I have been tagged with the Versatile Blogger Award by two of our fellow bloggers, Fred Bloggs and Pandora Blake. We are flattered and say: Thank you very much, Fred and Pandora! Normally we are not such big fans of memes, but we liked the premise of this one, so we've decided to play along.

The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award are: Apart from thanking those who granted the award (check), one has to share seven things about oneself, pass on the award to 15 other bloggers one enjoys reading and let them know about the award.

Ludwig has already participated in a similar meme in 2008, and you can read seven fascinating and also strange things about him here. So we've decided that I am going to write seven things about me this time. Here we go:

1. In my youth the two best known junior detective series in German were “The Three Investigators” and the German series “TKKG”. Most kids preferred either the one or the other. I wasn't opposed to TKKG, but I was definitely a “Three Investigators” kid.

2. I love Asian food, especially Japanese set menus and Chinese dim sum.

3. I was a big fan of Police Academy as a teenager – I fell for the combination of smart uniforms, dedication and humour. It's still a good mixture for kinky fantasies.

4. I finished first in my graduate year at school. No one ever mentioned it at the official ceremonies, though, which made me very sad at the time. Today I make sure to celebrate my achievements with friends, no matter whether any officials acknowledge them or not.

5. When I was sixteen, I attended a course in paragliding. It was an interesting experience, but continuing would have meant investing a lot of time and money. So I decided not to take any advanced courses.

6. Several years ago I went to one of the official Sumo tournaments and to a Pro Wrestling event in Tokyo, all on my own. Both events were great! And I still dream of shooting a spanking clip in which I get slammed through a table...

7. The hospital I was born in is now a home for the elderly. That's the circle of life!

I don't want any of my fellow bloggers to feel obliged to participate in this meme, and I am aware that some of the blogs which I like have already been tagged by someone else. But I still wanted to use this opportunity to introduce you to 15 blogs that I enjoy reading and that certainly deserve this award.

1. Indy / Not So Submissive: Indy is not only a lovely person and one of the most experienced specialists when it comes to throwing fellow spankees under the bus, she is also an excellent writer. On her blog you will find witty real-life spanking accounts as well as insightful discussions and ramblings.

2. Prefectdt / Spankedhortic II: Apart from his regular columns “Thought For The week”, “The Saturday Swishing” and “Sunday Blog Stuff Roundup” you will find many more interesting stuff on Prefectdt's blog, including excellent spanking humour and spanking-related pictures and clips involving all possible gender constellations.

3. Erica Scott / Erica Scott: Life, Love & Spanking: Erica is a famous American spanking model and a very sweet person. She has a tough blogging schedule and blogs about every second day. In her posts Erica takes her readers with her to shoots, private spanking exploits and her everyday-life adventures and thoughts. Her posts are full of both honesty and wit.

4. Mija / El Tercer Ojo: Mija writes not only about spanking, you will also find political ramblings, personal stories and even beautiful calligraphy on her blog. Right now Mija's intention is to blog daily until Christmas. But Mija isn't only a skilled writer, she also is a very lovely person!

5. Paul / Paul At North Gare: Being the avowed (but lovable) misanthrope that he is, Paul will surely hate me for bothering him with a nonsense small-talk meme. But his blog is simply too good to miss this chance to point it out to you. You will find very interesting in-depth discussions here.

6. Leia-Ann Woods / Leia's New Musings: Leia-Ann Woods is a witty and kind person and an experienced spanking model, on the receiving as well as on the administering end. On her blog she writes about her shoots as well as her private play and all the questions that come to her mind during her exciting journey.

7. Bogey and Bacall / Our Bottoms Burn: Apart from Mija and Paul, Bogey and Bacall are the only other switching couple I know. And these two switch regularly. On their blog you can read more about their adventures and their thoughts on spanking-related topics.

8. Underling / Underling's Humblings: On this blog you will find fantastic F/M drawings and stories created by Underling himself! If you like male bottoms, fantasies about strict women and creativity, this is your place.

9. Amelia Jane Rutherford / Playing To Lose: Amelia Jane (or Ariel Anderssen, her other identity) is a beautiful, kind and intelligent spanking and bondage model. She doesn't blog regularly, but when she does, her posts involve either very aesthetic pictures or thoughtfully written in-depth discussions or both.

10. Abel / The Spanking Writers: Many people know and adore Abel for his spanking stories and his ability to pervert almost every vanilla incident. I am especially drawn to his thoughtful discussions of complicated and fascinating aspects of kink, though, as well as his kind and caring personality.

11. Ronnie / Heart And Soul: On this blog you will find beautifully written accounts on Ronnie's spanking experiences with her husband P. Plus a lot of humour, interesting observations and much more.

12. Kami Robertson/ On The Way Of Exploration: Kami is a spanking model, a sociable kinky enthusiast and a young woman who isn't scared of exploring new things. She has started her journey as a bottom, but now she offers topping sessions as well. For quite a while there was silence on her blog, but now she is luckily back to share her adventures.

13. Hermione / Hermione's Heart: Hermione has a very impressive daily posting rhythm. Her blog features regular columns such as “Friday Fail” and “Complete The Caption” as well as posts about private exploits with her partner Ron and much more.

14. Todd and Suzy / American Spanking Society: Todd and Suzy frequently write about their own private exploits as a couple, their kinky friends and everything that has to do with spanking. In their weekly column “Thursday Night at the Roundtable” Suzy and Todd invite their readers to vote on a question about spanking and to share their thoughts on the topic.

15. Emma Jane / A Painful Awakening: Emma Jane is an amiable kinky spirit. She is fascinated by a great variety of kinky fantasies. On her blog she shares her private exploits, from schoolgirl spankings to interrogation scenarios. Her blog hasn't been update for a while, but I hope she will be back.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2011):
Do You Want Kids With That?


From time to time someone will pop up online and accuse kinky people of being potential child abusers. Some weeks ago this happened for example on Amelia Jane Rutherford's blog, and she wrote a fantastic reply. Since I am sure that most of our readers know the difference between consensual adult play and child abuse, there is no reason to discuss that topic here. Drawing any connection between erotic kink and abusive behaviour is nonsense. Bottom line.

A while ago I had to face a quite different question, though, which had to do with kink and children as well. As I already mentioned in previous posts, many friends and several members of Ludwig's and my family know that we are kinky. The majority of them don't have any problems with that at all, and surely none of them would see us as potential child abusers. But a few people are struggling a bit with the concept of erotic spanking.

Among those who aren't really comfortable with the idea of erotic kink is a female relative aged around sixty, who is very close and dear to both Ludwig and me. I am going to call her Anne here. She learned about our erotic preferences in an unplanned situation. Anne doesn't judge us for who we are and she is still as caring and supportive as always. But deep inside she finds the idea of erotic spanking unsettling.

A while ago we talked about children, and Ludwig and I said that we are planning to have at least one or maybe two. Not in the near future, but in a few year's time. I have talked to Anne about children on other occasions, and she always told me she thought that Ludwig would be a good, loving daddy. That time she suddenly hesitated, though. Then she finally asked: “Are you sure that you want children? I mean, can you definitely make sure that they won't find out about your kink?”

Anne of course never intended to hurt us with her question. She loves children, and I am sure that she will be there to support us when we have a child one day. Her question expressed a real concern, though. Anne was seriously worried about our children-to-be's well-being, because in her opinion children can't deal with the knowledge that their parents are kinky.

I have to admit that I was puzzled by Anne's question. The idea of hiding our kink from our children never occurred to me (read: hiding = not telling them; of course they are not supposed to watch!). I am very convinced that children can deal with their parents being kinky, as long as they are told about it step by step in age-appropriate ways. To my mind the only thing that really scares children is the fear that their parents don't love them or each other any more. Or the feeling that there is some dark family secret, something horrible, something no one is allowed to talk about.

When I grew up, my parents always answered all the questions which I had about love and sex. They had been raised at a time where intimate topics weren't discussed openly, and that had led to rather unpleasant experiences. For example, my mum was very afraid when she got her menstruation for the first time because she thought she was ill. To ensure that I wouldn't make similar experiences, my parents encouraged me to ask all the questions I had and answered them as well as they could. Consequently, when I got my menstruation for the first time, I wasn't scared at all. Quite the contrary, I was very proud because it meant to me that I was becoming more adult.

I vaguely remember that I, like many children, also accidentally entered my parents' bedroom one time when they didn't expect it. I have been told that some children are shocked by that experience, but I wasn't. As far as I remember I asked one of them the next day whether they had been making love. I was confirmed that my assumption was right and the case was closed for me. From what my parents had taught me, sexuality was something positive, so there was nothing to worry about.

In my opinion the same is true for erotic kink or any other special situation. Before I met Ludwig, I had been in the process of becoming a single mother by choice. During that time I had thought and read a lot about how to raise a child under unusual conditions and how to ensure its well-being. My mum supported me in my plan, as she always did, being convinced that I would be a good mother and that I would always take good care of my child. The baby socks in the picture at the top of this post were a little present from my mum to show me her support.

When I was sitting at my mum's bed in her last hours, one thing I told her was that she would have grandchildren one day. My mum liked Ludwig very much, and she neither doubted his nor my ability to be a good parent. Our kink didn't make any difference for her. My mother would have been a wonderful grandma. I wished she could hold one of her grandchildren one day, at least a single time. When the day comes and I will be a mother myself, I hope that I will be at least half as good as her. Then I'm sure that our children will grow up to be happy adults, and it won't make any difference that their parents are kinky.

But what about kinky couples who can't have a baby and therefore want to adopt a child? I'm quite sure if that happened to Ludwig and me and if someone found out about our kink or, even worse, about this blog, the pictures and the clips, we wouldn't be allowed to become adoptive parents. That thought makes me very sad. I just hope that we will never depend on anyone else to decide whether we can have children or not.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Spanking Porn: On Compartmentalization

Ludwig and I have discussed many spanking related topics lately. One thing we talked about was spanking porn and how it works for us. I thought it would be interesting to ask or readers about their points of view as well. So this is the first post in a mini series about spanking porn related topics.

Imagine the following situation: You are watching a spanking film which on the whole suits your kinky taste. But it also involves elements that you don't like. The positive and negative elements might either be within one single scene. Let's take, for example, a spanking scenario with a nice spankee, your favourite level of severity, beautiful reactions, well shot, but for some reason the attitude of the top annoys you. Or maybe a film consisting of several different scenes involves one spanking which has all the right ingredients for you, but other scenes in that movie turn out to be complete turn-offs.

How do you deal with that ambiguity? Do you watch the film nonetheless and enjoy the parts that suit your taste? Or do you turn away?

Ludwig and I deal with such a situation in very different ways. Ludwig has the ability of compartmentalization, which means that he focusses on the positive elements of the movie and simply ignores the parts he doesn't like. I don't have that ability. If I find one aspect of a scene or the film as a whole strongly annoying or if one element touches any of my personal limits, I can't enjoy the positive parts of the movie any more.

In my opinion this is not only true for spanking porn, it's the same with vanilla films as well. The difference might be a bit stronger when it comes to spanking movies, though, which I explain by the fact that I am more likely to watch films (especially M/F scenarios) rather from the bottom perspective while Ludwig is more likely to be in a toppy mindset. Since we both have more hard limits when bottoming than when topping, I am more likely to find elements that make me feel uncomfortable.

But I still think that the top / bottom mindset is not the main reason for our different behaviour. In my opinion the ability to compartmentalize is the key. Ludwig and I have developed the theory that the different ways in which we process information could explain our different reactions. Ludwig is an INFJ and I am an INTJ in the Myers-Briggs personality type continuum. Our idea is that NF-types are more likely to have the ability to compartmentalize than NT-types.

By the way, I think the question of compartmentalization does not only affect spanking films, it also applies to private spanking scenes. I'm not sure about that aspect, but I assume that even in the bottom position Ludwig is much more likely to simply ignore elements of a scene he doesn't like, while I am much more likely to be thrown out of the erotic fantasy as a whole.

We would like to hear about your experiences. Do you have the ability to compartmentalize? Under which conditions do or don't you have that ability? And, in case you know, which personality type are you?

Friday, November 25, 2011

Autumn Leaves


It is getting cold here in Germany, but Ludwig and I were lucky to catch the last autumnal sunbeams during a walk in the woods two weeks ago. The trees and the ground were decorated with leaves of all different colours. The sun flooded the scenery with a mystical light and the air was warm and cosy. So we decided to seize the opportunity and take some pictures.


The sunlight warmed my skin during our little photo session, and the soft moss invited me to lie down for some more pictures. We had to be quick, though, because obviously a lot of people had decided to go for a walk that day. So unfortunately my bottom was only heated by the sun and not by either Ludwig's hand or one of the twigs which where lying around. But there is always a next time!

 
And at least we got some nice pictures to share with you. I hope you like them!

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Taxman Cometh


Soon Pandora's new site Dreams Of Spanking will be launched. So, here it finally is: The first part of the behind-the-scenes report from the shoot Ludwig and I did for Pandora earlier this year. I won't start chronologically, though. Today's post is going to be about the last scene we shot, which will be the first one to be published. It was also the first time I ever topped a woman and dished out an OTK spanking!

I had signalled Pandora that I would be interested in topping her, and she had come up with an idea for a little scenario: Pandora was a self-employed spanking model who came to visit her tax accountant (can't imagine why Pandora saw me in that role...) who happened to be one of her friends at the same time. Unfortunately, Pandora did not only show up late, but her paperwork was a mess as well. So her friend, being angry but sure that Pandora could do better and not wanting to let her down, decided to teach her a lesson instead of telling her to find another tax accountant.

Pandora gave me a plot description with some ideas for the dialogue the evening before the shoot. I was a bit afraid of that scene, partly because of my inexperience as a top and partly because of the dialogue. I knew that the scene would be the last one of the day and in the evening my English usually gets worse due to tiredness. I assumed that the excitement after the severe caning which I had coming first thing in the morning wouldn't make it any better. Furthermore, the nervousness about that severe scene didn't allow me to prepare much dialogue for a later scene the night before. And I was neither familiar with the special vocabulary nor with the English tax system. So, I would have to improvise a lot.

Ludwig calmed me down when I told him that I wasn't sure whether I would be able to sell the character of the strict tax accountant properly. “Just be your annoying nitpicking self. That'll do perfectly.” I don't like to admit it, but he proved to be right.


Ludwig was behind the camera for the scene. Since we had only one camera, every break meant that he had to change the camera angle. So it was clear that there should be as few breaks as possible. Pandora and I had just started our conversation when a special guest turned up, though. Fatface, Pandora's cat, must have followed us. Where it had come in, I don't know.

But Fatface was obviously determined to become a porn star! Without hesitation the cat walked past Ludwig and into the scene. For a second Ludwig thought about grabbing the cat by its tail, but he decided against it because he didn't want to hurt Fatface. Pandora and I were a bit stunned for a second but then simply went on like the cat was supposed to be there. Obviously the tax accountant owned a cat... Fatface collected some caresses from both of us and then happily left the scene.

Pandora and I went on. The dialogue proved to be a bit difficult indeed, but I improvised and didn't stop, even when I realised that I had made a grammatical mistake. I think I changed the focus of the storyline a bit compared to Pandora's original plan, though. I assume that Pandora wanted to focus more on the fact that the model had let herself down by, for example, not having collected the receipts for her expenses properly, which meant that she would have to pay more taxes than necessary.

I got carried away by some other thoughts, though. If I sent in documents with missing receipts and someone found out, wouldn't that destroy my credibility as a tax accountant? Wouldn't the tax authorities start to check the documents of all my clients twice? And why did Pandora assume that I had enough time to sort out her documents for her when she turned up at the very last minute? - Have you ever worked with fellow employees who only do the stuff they like and hope that the stupid and boring eager beavers will do the rest? That was the picture which I had in mind during the scene.


And so my annoying nitpicking self took over. Especially as Pandora tried to talk her way out of the spanking. I remember her saying: “I will try to make it better the next time.” And me growling back: “This is not about trying! This is simply about doing it!” And so the conversation went on, even after Pandora had agreed to accept a spanking and was draped over my knee.

I had never spanked anyone OTK before and was a bit scared at first that I might not be able to hold and support Pandora safely with my knees. But it worked perfectly and I have to say that it was a wonderful feeling when Pandora put her weight on me and trusted me to hold her. Topping Pandora in front of a camera without having much experience was a bit scary because I didn't want to screw up. But at the same time it felt easier than topping someone in a private scene because the storyline and the course of the spanking were given. It definitely was a wonderful experience.

We started with my hand over her skirt, which proved to be not that effective, even though I gave my best. But Pandora was already warmed up from a previous scene and the skirt reduced the effect of my hand spanking as well. The only resulting marks were on my hand, as you can see in the second picture of this post. But I gave everything I had while lecturing Pandora at the same time. I only made a little newbie mistake: Not talking in between the strokes, but with them. Pandora told me that my words are audible in the video, though, so it should be alright.

The spanking went on over the knickers and on the bare and finally ended with the hairbrush. Pandora had told me that I didn't have to hold back with the brush she had given me, and so I laid on. That particular hairbrush is very slippery, though, as Pandora has experienced herself. I want to remark that I was completely sober during the shoot, though! Nonetheless the brush suddenly slipped out of my hand. But I managed to catch it in mid-air and went on as vigorously as before. A short time later the hairbrush slipped out of my hand a second time. But again I caught it and simply went on. As a result I think that I look not extremely skilled but very ambitious, which in my mind perfectly fits the character who wasn't supposed to have any prior experiences with spanking at all!

You can make up your own mind about the scene, though. Because here is the preview clip which has just been published by Pandora. Hope you like it!


In my opinion "The Taxman Cometh" is a funny little scene and I'm looking forward to seeing the final clip, which will go online on the day Dreams Of Spanking is launched. It definitely was a pleasure and a lot of fun to shoot it! The reports of the other two scenes will follow in a while. The two clips will be released in the first months after the site launch and we will give you a glimpse behind the scenes once they are available.

Friday, November 18, 2011

(24 x 2) + (8 x 6) = pain

(Before any annoying math wizards jump on the title: yes, I am aware that the parantheses are unnecessary because of the customary multiplication-before-addition order of operations. But it just looked better with them!)

Kaelah and I were most impressed by the response to this year's Global Day of Delurk. Granted, you tend to get a bigger response when you offer the added incentive of making a spanking video (more about that below). But we still did not expect quite so many comments. We heard from 31 different readers, including eight true first-time delurkers. That is a record for our blog, and once more, we are comfortably above the comments-per-blog average (18.50 according to Bonnie's figures). So, a big thank you from both of us to everyone who participated. Especially to the true delurkers - it would be lovely to keep hearing from you in the future as well.

I am all the more pleased with the response after what has been a relatively quiet summer and autumn for us. We had a semi-hiatus, we only managed an average four posts per month from May to October, and while Kaelah tenaciously kept things going, I was almost entirely absent. And still, we get this kind of response on delurk day. That really is flattering, and it shows me that we must have been doing something right these past few years to attract such loyal readers. Thank you again. Oh, and by the way, my personal semi-hiatus is now officially over. If I needed any motivation for re-joining Kaelah in blogging, I have it now. You will hear more from me again in the coming months.

But enough with the banter. I am sure you are all eagerly waiting for the Global Day of Delurk debriefing in regards to the spanking video Kaelah and I are going to make. We said that anyone who had commented before would contribute two strokes with the riding crop, and every first-time delurker would contribute six strokes with the leather paddle. So, here is the final tally, with the commenters in chronological order:

Contributing two strokes each with the riding crop:
Karl Friedrich Gauss
Michael
Greenwoman
sixofthebest
Spearthrower
Ursus Lewis
Peter8862
Gaviao
Saro
New one
doclash

Contributing six strokes each with the leather paddle:
Simon
Lydia
FatFreddy
Elsie
Spankfun
Cane not Caine

If my math is correct, that adds up to 46 strokes with the crop and 48 strokes with the paddle. But in fact, Kaelah has been complaining so much about narrowly missing the symmetry of having the same number with both implements, I am counting her own comments to the Global Day of Delurk as another two with the crop. After all, why should only comments from blog readers count and not comments from the blog authors? There was nothing in the announcement that precluded the latter. So, it will be 48 strokes with the crop, and 48 with the paddle.

You know what I think is funny? There also wasn't anything in the announcement about which one of us would get the spanking. Kaelah wrote that we were going to make a clip, she wrote about the implements and the numbers of strokes - but not about the identity of the spankee. Everyone just automatically assumed that it would be Kaelah. Not an unreasonable assumption, given that she is mostly a bottom and I am mostly a top, and later confirmed by Kaelah in her comments. But still, I just think it's funny how there never seemed to be any uncertainty in anyone's mind. We really need more x/M material in the spanking blogosphere to shake up our expectations (I have contributed to that in the past and will do it a few more times before I retire from the Scene).

From this year's Global Day of Delurk, however, we are indeed going to make an M/F clip, as was assumed. The action will be about twice as long as we originally expected. Kaelah had reckoned with four or at best five delurkers, but certainly not with eight. Otherwise, she might not have been so generous as to offer six strokes for each! We also did not expect so many commenters in total. But, as you know, Kaelah is a brave girl who takes challenges in stride. And since the two of us have not played much in recent months, she has been talking about how she craves an extended, proper thrashing, anyway. Now she is going to get one.

We are going to film the clip in about two weeks, when we next see each other, and will then edit it in time for a release as a Christmas gift.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Please No More!


(Standard schoolgirl spanking fare from Girl Spanks Girl, Girls Boarding School, Pain4Fem and Punished Girls. By comparison, videos with male spankees or innovative spanking scenarios are hard to find.)

Some time ago Adele Haze wrote a very interesting post called Schoolgirl spanking: A favourite fantasy. In that post, she explained that she can't get enough of schoolgirl scenes, no matter how repetitive they might be. Adele also analysed why she likes schoolgirl scenes so much and why she can't get enough of them. And then she asked her readers about their opinions.

Funnily, Ludwig and I reacted the same way when we talked about Adele's post. Our shared opinion: “I wish I wouldn't have to see the same things again and again! I am getting tired of reading about and watching the same old stories over and over.”

Ludwig has written reviews of several schoolgirl spanking films and websites featuring schoolgirls. He always preferred the more creative and unusual schoolgirl storylines, but he liked the schoolgirl scenario as a classical spanking genre. Today, though, he is so fed up with schoolgirls that even imaginative variations on the topic, like Northern Spanking's Schoolgirls in Space, hardly manage to raise his interest.

I've made similar observations, but my issues go even further. Although I'm female and predominantly a bottom myself, I don't want to hear about x/F scenarios anymore. The reason: The internet is so full of x/F spanking stories, films and pictures that I simply sometimes can no longer stand it. I'm missing a certain balance, like Pandora so wonderfully described in her recent post Male spanking showcase. The result: What was once thrilling has become rather annoying and almost a turn-off.

I assume that all spankos have scenarios we can't get enough of. Today I don't want to ask you about those, though. What Ludwig and I would like to know instead is: Are there any aspects of kink which you once liked but can't stand anymore today? If yes, why has your interest in them diminished? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Global Day Of Delurk 2011


For the sixth time Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts has organised Love Our Lurkers Day or, as we call it here at the Rohrstock-Palast, the Global Day Of Delurk. Thank you very much, Bonnie, for all your efforts that go into this wonderful little event. This is the first time for me to write our Global Day of Delurk post, which is a big honour, since I've got a very special relation with this campaign.

In 2008 I wrote my first-ever comment here on Ludwig's Rohrstock-Palast, in reply to Ludwig's first Global Day Of Delurk post. At that time I still called myself K'Ehleyr. Our long-time readers know how things evolved from that moment on, and the rest of you can read the full story here if you like. What a great journey it has been! Anyway, here I am, being Ludwig's mate for more than 2 ½ years now and writing my first own Global Day Of Delurk post at what is now our joint blog.

Ludwig is no longer available as a mate, but I would like to invite all our silent readers out there to say hello nonetheless. Ludwig and I both love writing and we are lucky to have a wonderful bunch of commenters on this blog. And, of course, we are glad to know that we have many more readers who seem to enjoy our writing but prefer to remain quiet. Still it can be hard sometimes to write mostly for a silent crowd. So, if you are a reader of this blog and if you can spare a few minutes, please use this day to raise your head.

To give you a little additional incentive, we have decided to combine this year's Global Day Of Delurk campaign with a little film-project. Ludwig and I are going to make a clip, and it depends on you how long or short this clip is going to be. The clip will be a rather straight-forward spanking clip this time, so that we will be able publish it in a few weeks' time already.

There will be two parts of the spanking action, one with our riding crop and one with our leather paddle. And you are the ones who can decide how long the two action sequences are going to be! All you have to do is write a comment on this post. For every comment written by someone who has already commented earlier on Ludwig's Rohrstock-Palast two strokes with the riding crop will be added. And for every real first-time delurker there will be SIX strokes with the paddle! All comments that are published until the 17th of November 23:59:59 German time will be counted. The only precondition for your comment to be counted is that it isn't anonymous (please think up some kind of nickname for yourself, so we don't end up with a bunch of indistinguishable anonymous comments!).

So, use your chance to say hi if you like, and help us to create a funny little piece of spanking art together! And in case you prefer to remain silent, I would like to use this post to say: Thank you very much for reading our blog and we hope that you are having a good time with us!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My Kinky Therapy

In my posts Therapy? and Speculative Questions, I asked whether kink can be used as a kind of “self-therapy” (in quotation marks; I don't want to imply that spanking can substitute any real therapy in case of serious mental issues). I told you that in my opinion my own kinky fantasies and my kinky life provide that kind of therapy and that I would write about my own experiences in a separate post. It has taken a while but here it finally is.

I have written about my fantasies and the goes and no-goes before. So, I'm going to keep this aspect short today and only focus on the question how these fantasies and my kinky activities are connected to my real-life experiences and in how far they improve my well-being.


Empowerment and self-trust:

The heroine fantasies surely are some of the oldest fantasies I have. They don't even have to be connected with kink, but they can be. I'm very sure that I have developed these fantasies because I often didn't feel very strong and self-confident. I always was very ambitious and I knew that I could achieve the things I dreamed of by working hard. But every time a new challenge turned up, my initial hypothesis was that I couldn't do it. This did not keep me from trying, but always having to prove that my null-hypothesis was wrong cost me a lot of energy. That is why I often dreamed of being a heroine, someone who strongly believed in herself and always knew that she would find a way to make things happen.

My self-confidence and self-trust have improved, but I'm still an emotional human being and can easily be scared or hurt. I've come to terms with my emotions and even see them as something positive now, but still the fantasy of the tough woman who takes new challenges without stomachaches holds a big appeal for me. And I love to make that experience in my kinky play when I take the challenge of a severe spanking. That is why surviving isn't enough for me. Surviving is what I always did in my real life. Feeling strong throughout the challenge is what I was always longing for.

Leading and playing with the big boys:

The idea of someone trusting me enough to allow me to lead them has gained more and more appeal during the recent years. This is a big part of my topping fantasies. The idea of being allowed to lead someone who is normally used to be a leader himself (or herself) is one that holds a special attraction. Even as a child and teenager, I always wanted to play with the big boys. Which is one reason why the idea of topping Ludwig has such a special appeal for me. He is predominantly a top and is very picky on the rare occasions when he switches. The experience of him giving himself to me as a bottom therefore is a very empowering one, one that gives me strength for my day-to-day life as well.

Feeling, not thinking:

I am an INTJ, which means that I tend to plan and organize a lot. And I tend to follow my reason more often than my gut feeling. I've learned to trust my feelings more and more in the recent years and to take care that my rational plans and my emotions are consistent. But still it is very rare for me to stop thinking and focus on my feelings only. In my sexual play with Ludwig, though, I can let go and focus completely on the sensations, knowing that he will do only things to me which I enjoy, like in the scene which I described recently. The kinky tools that help me the most to give up control are restraints and blindfolds. They allow me to feel safe and to focus completely on myself and my feelings even while interacting with Ludwig. This form of play provides a wonderful time-out from real-life issues and organisational tasks and helps me to recharge my batteries. Cuddling and being tickled have a similar effect, by the way.

Feeling safe:

Since my mum died, I'm very aware of the fact that we can lose anyone we love at any time, and that no-one can be there for us or protect us forever. Ludwig loves me, and he is there for me and takes care of me as well as he can. But we are equal partners and of course there are many things in my life as an adult that he can't take away from me and which I have to do myself or have to go through myself. I wouldn't want it any other way between us, anyway!

But when I'm lying in bed alone, I often have the desire to feel as safe as a child again. That's when I indulge myself in my naval cadet fantasies. I'm only an observer in these fantasies (for I can't see myself as a child anymore), but I can go into the mindsets of the different characters. It's always the same universe with the same characters and the same kinds of scenarios which I fantasize about. This way my kinky fantasies are like a good-night ritual.

And fantasy figures have one great advantage: They don't get old, they don't get ill, they don't die. As long as I live they will be there. And so my little navy universe allows me to let go and feel aroused and safe at the same time when I fall asleep.

Letting out my inner geek:

I've been a geek my whole life. But at school, being a geek wasn't cool. I also always liked to write stories and to discuss aspects of life that interested me, for instance, how human beings act and why. I also love to have an audience, hopefully inspire them with my thoughts and get back their ideas in return. That's what I do when I'm blogging. I don't pretend to be someone else here, but somehow, being a geek is okay in our community. It can even be cool. And that is a wonderful feeling. I can sort out my own thoughts when writing blog posts and at the same time let out my inner geek for everyone to see.

Feeling sexy:

I never considered myself to be very female, let alone sexy! I was the grey mouse who watched Star Trek, wore clothes with teddy bears instead of sexy miniskirts and read books. Being in a relationship with a man who loves me and finds me sexy as well as living out my sexual desires has given me a completely new image of myself and of my body. What was equally important for that development, though, was making and posting sexy pictures. It is almost impossible to evaluate how much the pictures have increased my self-confidence.

I used to find myself unattractive on photos, even on holiday pictures or the like. When Ludwig and I made or first sexy photo-shoot with our friends Neil and Eileen, looking at the results struck me like thunder. For the first time in my life I found myself sexy on a photo! Emma Jane has recently written a great post about that topic titled Beautifully me. I can only second her descriptions of what the photo-making can change. Today I also like many vanilla pictures of myself. And I love to dress up from time to time, for instance, for the Shadow Lane party. I still like teddies, by the way, but I think that on the right pyjama, they can even be sexy in their own way.

Being creative:


There are different kinky activities which allow me to live out my creativity. The preparation of private scenes, the blog writing, scene ideas for kinky pictures and last but not least filming clips. Like the pictures, the clips make me feel sexy. But I enjoy the creative process, developing storylines, finding the most beautiful camera angles and finally composing a clip out of the pieces of footage even more than anything else. That's why I prefer to participate in film-making projects that give me as much creative freedom as possible.

I also like to play different characters in front of the camera. It allows me to go into different mindsets and to play around with character traits which I wouldn't ever let out in real life because they are socially unwanted. I can be angry, I can be cold, and all that without having to be afraid of hurting anyone, because it is all just part of a storyline.

And I love to be behind the camera. At Pandora's last shoot for the SM Circus, I had the opportunity to be behind the camera, and it was a wonderful experience! Art always was one of my worst subjects at school. I never thought that I had any feeling for pictures. Now finding the most beautiful and unusual perspectives for photos and camera angles in clips is something that gives me a lot of satisfaction and lets me see the world with new eyes.


As you can see, my various kinky activities and the experience of living out my kinky fantasies have given me a lot of self-confidence. My fantasies and my kinky experiences allow me to be how I always wanted to be, to do things which I never thought I'd be able to do and to feel safe and strong. And all that without having to neglect who I am and having to pretend to be someone else. Therefore my kink makes me feel happier, which I think is the best possible outcome any therapy can achieve!