Monday, July 23, 2012

Player vs Writer

 (I seem to be more of a storyteller than a player.)

In my recent post Professional Service, I wrote that if I lost my mate Ludwig, I would most probably not partake in much spanking action at all and just play out fantasies in my head instead. I read several spanking party reports lately and Donpascual brought up the topic of playing with like-minded people in the community in his recent comments on this blog as well. So, I have been thinking quite a lot about this topic in the last days.

The thing is, I don't feel much envy when I read reports about spanking events I haven't been to. At least not in the sense that I wished I could have participated in all the play sessions which were taking place. I know that many fellow kinksters have those feelings, though, and that many of those who are living out their kink go to lots of events and play a lot with many different people. But for several reasons, that doesn't hold much attraction for me. The only kinds of regret that I sometimes feel when reading party reports are that I would have liked to meet and chat with some kinky friends of ours who attended the event and that I would love to have similarly fascinating stories to tell on the blog.

And it's not only about playing with others. Ludwig and I also play much less with each other than many other couples or spankos in general. It's not that we don't enjoy spanking each other. But often, cuddling and sharing time otherwise is equally or much more important. Additionally, I don't have any problem with enjoying erotic "vanilla" activities as well, as long as there is a certain kinky fantasy in my head as a background story. I don't always have to live out that kinky part. And if we do have a great spanking scene, then I often end up with the thought: Wow, it will be great to write about that on the blog!

(I don't play a lot with others, but if I do, it often is for videos.
Picture courtesy of Dreams of Spanking.)

In addition to that, Ludwig's and my more complex scene ideas are often captured on video, sometimes together with friends of ours. When we shoot videos, I usually don't let myself fall into the scene and I don't have any regrets about that. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the work of making videos and sometimes, the headspace can be fascinating, too. For example, when I played that soulless goon in Psychic Weapon: C. But usually, the creative act of telling a story and the final product are the two things which are of much more interest for me than the kinky experience. And again, writing about the experience and publishing the edited video is one of my favourite parts. That's why I also enjoy shooting creative photos and publishing them on the blog, accompanied by little storylines.

I short, when it comes to kink, I consider myself much more of a writer and storyteller than a player. I guess that is also one of the reasons why I managed to live without any kinky activities for such a long time, without having the feeling that something fundamental was missing. I had my fantasies (usually M/M with me just being an observer) which I played out in my head, and that was fine. This is also one of the reasons why I think that I wouldn't suddenly feel the strong need to go out and have lots of spanking adventures with different people if Ludwig weren't my mate any more.

Just to make that absolutely clear: I love my kinky play with Ludwig and occasionally with others, and I wouldn't want to miss out on it! Sometimes I even wished that I could play more frequently. But still it seems to me that I need to play less frequently than many others in the community. Instead, I seem to get much more out of writing and telling stories than others probably do.

What about you? How strong is your desire for (regular) kinky play? Do you envy those who write frequent party reports and are involved in lots of play sessions? Or are there others like me out there (other than Ludwig who ticks quite similarly when it comes to playing vs storytelling)?


Bobbie Jo said...

Being as new to the scene as I am, I'm not sure where I fit in to this. Years ago, I was writing a book that was kink related, though I didn't know it at the time. I had no idea there even was a scene. I ended up shredding it after writing eight chapters, hand written. Yes, it was before computers.
When I shredded it, I was attempting to put my fetish aside and forget about it. That only worked for a while, though, as we know it doesn't go away.

Right now, I would like to be able to engage in my kink at least once a month. It is hard to do because of my top's schedule and the fact that she is a pro. I don't have the money to see her as often as I want to.

I think if I was able to participate regularly, my desires would calm down a bit. Being so new at this, though I have been a spanko pretty much most of my life, I am somewhat insatiable. That will pass, I am sure, though right now, when I have to wait for months at a time, it is not very easy.

Donpascual said...

Writing on the issue of playing at public events more often recently, I probably put too much emphasis on this activity. Most certainly, I prefer private play, too.

I tried several times to invite you to visit our events, true, but that was not meant to influence your attitude towards public play. It was an invitation to look, at the same time visiting a wonderful spot in our great country, no more, no less. On the side, you would have met a number of very nice people as well.

You have your view on this and that's it. No argument about it. Besides, you both are pretty young and do not yet look back on a life mourning about a number of missed opportunities as I do. It is a sad fact that only hindsight will reveal mistakes one has made.

So, be happy with your mate for many years to come and perhaps we will meet one day at an event, should you have changed your mind.

Erica said...

I suppose I am both a writer and a player. I love writing about spanking, but it's much more fulfilling for me when I have real experiences to write about.

I admit, I do feel envy for people who get to go to all or nearly all of the big spanking parties. There is a special energy and camaraderie at these events that brings me much joy and a sense of belonging. I get to see many friends all at once, play to my heart's content and collect a new crop of great memories. But we only go to one per year; on rare occasions, two.

So... I have fulfilled my needs by playing with a beloved partner on a weekly basis. But now that is ending.

Fantasies are lovely things, I agree. But I've had enough of them. I lived way too many years with nothing but fantasy. After discovering that reality is so much more personally fulfilling, I don't wish to go back. Somehow, I will always keep spanking a reality in my life.

Steve from Kent said...

For some of us, the only realistic way of engaging with the world of kink is via the internet. Whether it be videos, spanking fiction or personal accounts, it provides a means - as you describe - of playing out fantasies in the absence of a real-life play partner.

I know that the option of paying to play is available, but I’m not sure if I would be comfortable with the dynamics; plus there are practical reasons why it wouldn’t be that easy for me to organise in any case.

Having said that, I don’t feel envious at all of those who are able to play regularly. I understand that all situations are different. Maybe mine will change one day.

Lea said...

If I was independently wealthy, I'd love to go around the country and attend every spanking event there is. But that's not my life. I enjoy the camaraderie, as Erica stated, often much more than the actual play that takes place. There's a lot of great people in the scene and I'm lucky to call a few of them friends.

I feel like my life is pretty boring. When I blog, I most often choose to share the highlights. A party I went to, a good spanking here and there. I don't feel like I play all that much, but if it was up to me I'd be happy being spanked daily.

MasonPearson said...

Playing or writing? That's a tricky one. I have written a number of stories based round some of the aspects of 'this thing' and the best bit for me is when I can create completely fictional characters that 'come alive.' Playing is something else again. In a way I feel it's a bit like asking whether listening to Mozart is better than looking at a painting.
However, really good play can stimulate ideas for a story.

Kaelah said...

@ Bobbie Jo:
It's so sad that you shredded the eight chapters that you had already written for your book! :-( I can absolutely understand your desire to play at least once a month, even more so because you are new to the scene. I think once a month isn't a lot even for long-time members of the scene. I cross my fingers that your money will allow you to see your top more often. Or maybe you will one day find trusted friends in the community with whom you can play as well. :-)

@ Donpascual:
I hope you don't have the impression that I saw your invitations negatively or that I am against public play events! I like to read about them and from time to time Ludwig and I also visit a play event, as long as it isn't a big group play event and play isn't mandatory. The essence of my post was simply that it seems to me that I don't have the desire to play as often as many others do, no matter whether at parties or with Ludwig in private. Instead, a part of my kinky energy seems to go into writing this blog, taking pictures and making clips. You mentioned another very important point in your comment which I find interesting: missed opportunities. In a way, I should feel that I have to make up for lost opportunities because I was quite old compared to others when I started exploring the world of kink and when I found my mate in Ludwig. But again, for some reason, I don't have any regrets about that. I didn't have the feeling that something fundamental was missing earlier and I would most probably not have been ready for this journey when I was younger. Maybe I will see it differently when I am getting older but so far I consider myself to be very lucky because I don't have any major regrets about my life, yet. Even the things that didn't turn out as planned are okay.

I wouldn't say that Ludwig and I won't ever go to a spanking event in Germany. Actually, I would find it interesting to write about such an event for our international audience. This year has been very busy, though. Ludwig and I even had to refuse invitations to private spanking events hosted by good friends, because we barely have any free time.

@ Erica:
I have read about the change in your play relationship with ST and I am very sorry for you! Your play time in four weeks was probably about as much as Ludwig and I manage in about four months. I cross my fingers that you'll find a way to get your regular play, nonetheless, maybe sometimes with ST, maybe with another trusted play partner. And I absolutely agree with you about the writing: I am not much of a fictional writer and definitely prefer to write about real events as well (or at least about real pictures and real clips). As I already wrote in my reply to Donpascual, I am lucky in that I don't have the feeling of having missed out on something important because I didn't find out about the spanking community earlier. I am very glad that I can make all these explorations now, together with a trusted mate and companion. But fortunately I don't have the feeling that I have to make up for lost time (at least not kink- or erotic-wise).

Kaelah said...

@ Steve from Kent:
Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts on the subject. You are absolutely right, everyone's situation is different and we all have to make the best out of it. And not every theoretical option is the right choice for everyone. I cross my fingers, though, that your situation will change one day in a way that will give you the chance to turn your fantasies into reality. :-)

@ Lea:
Ludwig and I also share only the kink-wise interesting parts of our lives here on the blog. Many of our play sessions (and virtually all the more elaborate ones) end up being posted on this blog. I assume the same is true for many other bloggers. Being spanked daily would be a bit too much for me, I guess. But I hope that the spankings will become at least a bit more regular when Ludwig and I won't have a long-distance relationship any more one day. :-)

@ MasonPearson:
You are of course right, the either – or question is tricky. I wouldn't want to have to choose one of the two only. The point of my post just was that I think my desire for regular play is a bit lower than that of several other spankos I know. Instead, a part of my kinky energy seems to go into blogging, taking pictures and making videos.

Val said...

Envious? Of some, and the point which you just helped to clarify by simply asking the question, is this: sometimes a bit envious when reading accounts of one-on-one play, or otherwise with very limited participation, only among people who are well acquainted with each other. Even then, "envy" does not quite fit, it is more like pique that I did not happen to be available, even as a fly on the wall... ;-)
As mentioned elsewhere, many times it is enough to just cuddle with your partner and commune quietly, it is enough to have spanking swimming in your head. Remarkable how our views are close in this regard.
Of course, having a feeling and satisfaction of "been there, done that" because of an earlier, more active presence in the scene may take off the edge of this "envy" thing. However, this may be a very personal angle and I am sure that there are those out there who do want to play with all, all the time. That's why we have flavors, isn't it :-)
What if one lost his/her partner, you say. From my perspective I would probably wait to see if the kink really kicks me out of the house into a play space; then be cautious and see if history repeats, maybe I become lucky again to find a loving relationship?! But truly I wouldn't know, and frankly do not want to find out for real either.
All that being said, and otherwise, I wouldn't mind trying once again - or at least once in a while, such as it happens when off on a break/vacation, for example - to see how we'd do with a daily spanking regimen, just to see how long it lasts, and which way we'd turn intensitywise, how soon.

Ana said...

Just stopping by to say what an *awesome* comment on Bonnie's brunch. Good for you for calling out homophobia.

And for me, r/l is serious-business discipline and writing is play. So I love writing, even if it isn't r/l, because I get to do whatever I want...and it doesn't hurt!! :D

Kaelah said...

@ Val:
The "been there, done that" aspect you mentioned made me think. Maybe it is also one of the reasons why I don't have the desire to play more. When I came into the Scene, Ludwig had already planned several kinky activities in the time before we had met. Since I wanted to be at his side, having become his mate by then, that meant that I found myself involved in much more and much more intense kinky explorations then I would ever have expected, just a very short time after having had my first own spanking experience. I was behind the scenes at Ludwig's shoot with Lupus, I met other kinksters, I started to make videos myself and I became Ludwig's co-author here on the blog. I guess that might also be a reason why I don't have the feeling that I have missed out on something or that any of my kinky needs haven't been fulfilled.

@ Ana:
Welcome, and thank you very much for your kind comment! Since I am very much into M/M spankings, I have been involved in discussions about homophobia several times. Unfortunately, it is as widely common in our community as it is in society as a whole. I liked your comment on Bonnie's post very much, too, and I think the experiences that you had with some readers on your blog are another example of the common black-and-white thinking. I have written a separate post about that issue which will be published today. The mixture of r/l and writing sounds like a good one, especially since your r/l spankings are of the discipline kind and therefore not really enjoyable. :-)

I have one question if I may: I have understood from your blog, that your r/l spankings are about discipline and about being cared for and don't have an erotic component. Since you called writing "play", may I ask how that is with the stories that you write? What do they do for you? Are they also purely about the feeling of being cared for or about something else?