Kaelah's Corner (Dec 2010): Curse My Name

I've written this post yesterday afternoon. Meanwhile I have thought about simply deleting it because it is quite personal and was written in a very sad and shaky mood. But Ludwig is of the opinion that I shouldn't throw it into the bin. I already see a few things a bit different by now, so I've finally decided to publish yesterday's post, but with some little changes which are highlighted in italic. So, here we go:

Actually today's post should have been the second part of the account of my first topping experience. However, it isn't. Because I'm not in the right mood. I'm sitting here in front of the computer, my fingers are cold and there are still dry tears on my face. No, I haven't been spanked! The reason for my disturbance is Sacher-Masoch.

That guy is in my life for only three days now, but I already hate him. Ludwig started reading „Venus in Furs“ to me and I realised from the very beginning that everything in me struggled against having to listen to that story. We only made it to page 58 of 141 pages and listening to that first part of the novella already cost me a hell lot of energy. Today Ludwig wanted to read the next section and I completely shut down. So he gave up and decided to leave me alone for a while.

I tried to understand why the book is so horrible for me. First of all, it's about kink, a topic that touches me personally. Then, when I'm read the story by Ludwig I can't „escape“. There's no reading faster when the story is disturbing me, no quick breaks when it's getting too much. But what's so bad about the story? I think it's the characters and how they treat each other. Right from the beginning it becomes clear that the relationship between Severin and Wanda, the two main characters, must have ended in a disaster. He is alone, he has written down their story and he is of the opinion that one must treat women hard and disrespectful in order not to lose their respect. One can only be hammer or anvil. It's a point of view that makes me very sad. As does the whole story.

Severin wants to live at the mercy of a cruel woman and pushes Wanda, who dearly loves him, into that role. Obviously he regrets that later. I don't know why, but I feel awfully sorry for the characters and having to watch them walking into their doom is almost unbearable for me. Obviously I don't have any protection mechanism that allows me to only be an observer. I can't stop thinking of what experiencing a situation like that would mean to me. It makes me think about my kink and how I don't want my kinky life to be. And it makes me feel like this story represents a form of kinky life which I neither want to experience nor want to be confronted with (especially if I can't do anything to change the protagonists' minds). I get completely overwhelmed and all I want to do is run away.

The same thing happens to me from time to time in the online spanking community as well. Reading too much about master-slave relationships, dark scenarios and severe beatings suddenly makes me panic and want to stop reading about kink at all. I can't just look at these things from an outside perspective. I always ask myself what they mean for me, why I am different and whether that makes me less brave or less desirable. Especially when I read about concepts I can't understand, but which are interesting for Ludwig. That gives me the feeling I'm not good enough for him, not open enough, not tough enough.

A few days ago, Ludwig saw a picture from one of the Headmaster's study films on another blog. Instantly he began to smile. „That whipping bench is really fantastic. The girls look extremely beautiful on it, especially when they throw their heads back during the canings. It would be great to have a similar bench.“ My stomach churned. I know that Ludwig wants a bench like this. I don't. The reason is simple: I wouldn't be able to see it as our bench, it would always be the Lupus-like bench and therefore it would always be connected with those good-looking brave girls who filmed with them. In other words, it would be nothing else but a reminder of my limits, my struggles with the concept of severe play and my resulting insufficiency. How could I ever enjoy erotic play with that bench?

At the same time these thoughts make me angry as well. Because the rational part of me knows that I don't have to feel insufficient at all. While Ludwig and I have common interests and opinions, we have different tastes and preferences at times as well. Accepting and loving each other the way we are is part of the challenge of a relationship. Either it works or the relationship won't survive. But being different and not being able to share every single fantasy with one's partner definitely isn't a reason for feeling bad.

Well, I guess that's just how it is. Concepts which I don't understand tend to scare me. Of course I can deal rationally with that fear most of the time. But sometimes, like today, it's getting too much. Then I have to protect myself by shutting down because I can't protect myself when being confronted with these things.

But honestly, I don't really want to be different. Having better protection mechanisms would be great sometimes. But then I wouldn't be the person that I am, would I? And luckily I have strategies that help me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. One is talking to friends or writing blog posts and asking the readers whether they have made similar experiences. Another one is listening to music that helps me to release my fear and anger. The most fantastic song I've recently discovered is from one of my favourite bands, Blind Guardian. It's called Curse My Name. Listening to it helps me to sort out my mind and to release agressions at the same time. Unfortunately there is no evil king whom I could hunt down in order to feel better. Because the reason why I'm uncomfortable lies within me. As for Sacher-Masoch, he might have enjoyed the process of being hunted down, anyway...

Well, but I feel that writing this post already made me a lot calmer and happier. Maybe I'll even manage to read the rest of that damn story! I guess reading it myself would be easier than being read the story because it allows me to walk the way into damnation with the protagonists faster by going into turbo speed reading mode.

And as long as Ludwig is able to deal with my strange reactions from time to time and I can love each other despite of our differences, as long as I don't lose my friends and as long as there are good songs to listen to, there is nothing I can't sort out and nothing I have to worry about for the upcoming year. Thanks for reading this rather unusual post, thanks for all your comments and the new insights you gave me in 2010 and a Happy New Year to all of you!

Update: Of course I've read the whole novella tonight and I'm feeling much better today. Sacher-Masoch's final conclusion at the end of the story is even quite nice, although I don't fully agree with him. After having finished the novella I have been able to sort everything out, to find out what I like or don't like about the story and what it tells me about my kink. My standpoint is clear and solid again and I was reminded of a few things by the story. I think I'll write a bit more about it in a follow-up post next year. Take care and see you all in 2011!