Friday, January 31, 2014

Kaelah's Corner (Jan 2014):
Ghost of a Chance

As I already announced in my last post of 2013, I would like to discuss different aspects of kink and relationships in a series of posts. This is the first post of the new series. I want to start right at the beginning. So, the question of today's post is: How does being kinky influence the chance and the process of finding a partner?

In Ludwig's and my case, our kink proved to be the key to finding a partner. As the long-time readers know, we met through this blog. I know several other couples who met each other through their kink as well, for instance at a spanking party. I am not sure how many kinky people specifically search for a like-minded fellow kinkster when looking for a partner, though.

When Ludwig and I met for the first time, my discovery of erotic spanking and kinky blogland had only started a few months earlier. While I had been aware of enjoying fantasies which where somehow related to BDSM long before that, it had never occurred to me that I might act out any of these fantasies for real. All the more so because most of my fantasies centered around asexual M/M scenarios and didn't seem to have anything to do with sex between lovers, not even with the classical master/dominatrix BDSM I had come across on TV. At that time, the idea that a potential partner had to be into spanking, hadn't crossed my mind.

Ludwig had been aware of the nature of his kink and of the spanking community much longer. He had even tried it out for real, at first with a professional dominatrix and later with friends in the scene. But still, being kinky wasn't something he expected from a potential girlfriend. Finding a woman who was a good match in all the usual areas seemed to him to be difficult enough already. Finding a mate with fitting interests and personal traits, with whom he would fall in love and who would fall in love with him and who, in addition to all that, was kinky as well, seemed like an utopian idea.

So, before we met each other, Ludwig and I would both have happily engaged with a vanilla partner. For me, the kinky fantasies would most probably have remained some nice stories to dwell on before falling asleep, something very different and separate from the sex between lovers. Ludwig would most probably have been quite content had he been able to watch a spanking video from time to time without his girlfriend freaking out.

But what about today? To be honest, I am not really sure. Ludwig and I now know that it is possible to find a mate who is not just a good fit in terms of personality, ideas about life, shared (vanilla) interests et cetera, but who shares one's kink as well. I have also found out that I fantasise about spanking and kink during “vanilla” sex, too. On the other hand, after having been in a love relationship for almost five years now, I have realised that even when both partners are kinky, that doesn't necessarily mean that their kinks fit perfectly or that they are always in the mood for the same kind of play and sex at the same time. Furthermore, in the long term sex becomes only one (maybe even small) part of what the relationship is all about.

So, would Ludwig and I still be willing to engage with a vanilla partner if we didn't have each other (or if one of us completely lost their kinky spirit)? Ludwig told me that he isn't sure whether he would still be willing to start a relationship with a vanilla partner, now that he has experienced a relationship with a like-minded spirit. I guess it would be different if I became vanilla (not very likely to happen) or couldn't engage in kinky play anymore for other reasons (a bit more likely, at least times of low sex drive have already occurred). But still, I assume it would be difficult for Ludwig to go back to only watching spanking videos and not doing anything for real.

As for me, I would definitely prefer a kinky partner as well. And I would probably look for a partner on kinky platforms or at kinky events if I lost Ludwig as my mate. But I think I might also be able to live with a vanilla partner, under the condition that he wouldn't have issues or condemn my kink. In my case, a potential partner would not only have to be okay with my kink, he would also have to be okay with the fact that I have made and published spanking photos and videos. I wouldn't want to engage with someone who had problems with that part of my life. However, I wouldn't want to reduce the number of potential partners to fellow spankos only. If I were in a relationship with a vanilla partner, I would maybe watch a spanking clip from time to time and I would most probably also fantasise about spanking during sex or when masturbating. With some luck, my partner wouldn't mind giving me a playful smack or being smacked by me once in a while, either.

Of course, the question how to combine kink, sex and all the other aspects of being partners in a long-term relationship is another interesting topic. It also depends on whether one has got a vanilla partner or a kinky partner. I would like to cover that topic and other questions around kink and relationships in separate posts, though.

For today, I would love to hear your thoughts on the influence that kink has on the issue of finding a mate. Do you think that being kinky makes it easier or harder to find a partner? Does a person have to share your kink to be a potential mate for you? Does he or she have to be at least accepting of your kink? And, finally, has your view concerning these questions changed over time? You are kindly invited to share your thoughts in the comment section!


sixofthebest said...

Kaelah. In my humble opinion. Finding the RIGHT partner, is more important than finding a KINKY PARTNER. For LOVE comes from the HEART, and not from the KINK. So if you LOVE your LIFE LONG PARTNER, the KINK might EASE into both your lives.

Simon said...

I agree with "six of the best", if you find a partner who you love being with and who makes your life complete than celebrate your luck and if you find a partner who also shares your kinky pleasures then so much the better. I find myself in a mirror image of your question. The delightful lady who disciplines me is my friend but we are definitely not partners. So in my case the question is rather different, if I was lucky enough to find someone to be my life partner but who didn't share my love of discipline what would I do. Hopefully in that circumstance I would give up my kinky behaviour without a moments regret for the right person. I would of course hopefully find some way of stopping my visits that didn't cause my Mistress any distress because I hate to be rude but stop I would. You are so lucky to have a partner that you can share your life with and also share your kinkiness with and from reading both of your comments I suspect you realise this.

Anonymous said...

Consider the case of someone like Nikki Flynn who was into spanking and stuff, but then at a certain point got over it, or had had enough, or was ready to move on. Where would that leave her partner, if she had mated up with someone for whom kink was still central to his life? Of course you can ask that kind of question about many different facets of personal growth of partners in relationships. But we're talking about kink. So does being in a relationship build at least partly around shared enjoyment of a kink such as spanking make it less easy for a person to grow out of his or her interest in that kink, does it tie them in, as it were, in a feedback loop? And if so, in such respects, is this "freedom" a good thing, or is it like saying single people are freer than people in relationships? My guess is that maybe some people with an interest in kink, choose a vanilla partner because on some level they don't want to have the kink baked into their relationship, as it were.

gustofur said...

This was a good post. Try as I may, I couldn't articulate my thoughts nearly well enough to add to the discussion. I can say that my partner of 53 years, though essentially vanilla, has never denied me my "kink".

Anonymous said...

Interesting how different it is for everyone. I've always known of my kink. In youth I fell in love and told him of my kink but it seemed only to scare him and our relationship ended. Subsequent 2 relationships were the same. In mid life now I realize how it is comparatively complicated for a woman to climax and I wonder, perhaps not being able to discuss the kink meant there was always a little hidden part we didn't share; maybe that small crack of non-trust was part of what of grew into a chasm? Newly divorced, I sought what I've never had - a boyfriend who shares my kink. Its still early days, but my hope is that if we start a relationship with this shared interest, standing in a place of deeper personal integrity, that we might share a more intimate trust from the start and I hope that will help encourage us to dig deeper roots for a strong relationship.

Kaelah said...

@ Sixofthebest:
I agree with you in that I find general love more important than kink. I think that love doesn't automatically bring kink into a relationship, even if one partner is kinky and would love to live out his or her fantasies.

@ Simon:
Thanks a lot for sharing your story! I think you mention an important question which many spankos who play with others while being single have to ask themselves once they find a partner. No matter which option one chooses (giving up the other play partner(s), living in an open relationship...), in my opinion you have already mentioned the most important thing – trying to make sure that nobody gets hurt.

@ Anonymous:
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts! Niki is indeed a very interesting example. And I think you might also be right with your suggestion that some kinksters may choose a vanilla partner because living in a relationship that involves kink might at times be more difficult. Integrating sex into a long-term partnership is generally a tricky thing, though. This is a topic I would like to cover in a separate post some time in the future.

@ Gustofur:
I think you mention an important aspect here. In a relationship there is never a 100 per cent fit – and it would be utterly boring if two people fit 100 per cent, anyway! Of course certain general aspects should fit, but for the rest finding compromises that work for both is the key.

@ Anonymous:
Thank you very much for commenting and sharing your story! I also think that having to hide an important part of oneself in a relationship doesn't work out very well and can even destroy the relationship. I wish you all the best for your relationship with a like-minded kinkster!