Saturday, April 14, 2012

Could You Do Without?

A while ago, Pixie raised the intriguing question how fetish flexible her readers are. What she particularly wanted to know was: "I am wondering how willing you are to explore beyond your own particular fetish interests to meet the needs of someone else." As I wrote my comment, I realised that this question led to another topic, one that I find very intriguing and important as well. This is what I wrote:

The most important thing in a partnership for Ludwig and me is openness and honesty. So, we openly tell each other about our erotic fantasies and fetishes. Since making one’s partner happy is a fulfilling experience per se, we of course try to make each other’s dreams come true. As long as there are no negative images connected with a certain scenario or fetish, why not try it, at least once? Maybe it even becomes a shared fantasy or fetish over time. If one of us is in the mood to try out a certain fantasy, the other often develops fitting fantasies, too.

But if one of us has the feeling that trying out a certain scene or fetish could lead to a negative experience, we say it as well. I have to admit that living out a fantasy knowing that my partner feels really uncomfortable with it hasn’t got any appeal for me, anyway. I prefer not to try it in that case.

Ludwig and I are lucky, though, because our desires fit quite well. Of course we had to make some compromises, but so far we have always found a solution that works for both of us. When it comes to spanking scenes, I think we are both very open as tops and have more hard limits (for example concerning scenarios) when playing as bottoms. But luckily, our hard limits (spanking and otherwise) don’t affect each other’s core fantasies, which means that neither of us has to do without a core kink.

That said, I am not sure whether I could live with a partner whose sexual desires and kinks were so different from mine that we didn’t have much in common and most sexual activities would consist of one partner doing something just because it was the other partner’s fetish.

I guess that I would always have signed that last paragraph. But some years ago I wouldn't have assumed that spanking could be a part of my sex-life with a partner at all. For me, my kinky fantasies were just that, fantasies, something to play out in my head only. The thought of bringing any of those fantasies to life never really occurred to me. Consequently, being into spanking wasn't a necessary quality for a potential mate.

Ludwig told me that for him it was quite similar. Even after he had found out that the thing which he was into was called spanking, he still was quite happy with only fantasising about spanking and watching videos. And even when he decided to try it for real, Ludwig never expected to find a woman who shared his kink. His idea of an ideal partnership involved love, trust and shared interests, but not erotic spanking. Finding a woman who was also okay with him watching spanking clips from time to time was the most perfect image he could think of.

Now that we have both lived in a love relationship that involves spanking and BDSM for three years, things have changed, though. With the knowledge that this is indeed possible, the idea of sharing one's life with a mate who doesn't share this particular core kink seems much less desirable than it did before. As a matter of fact, we both can't imagine living with a partner who doesn't share our kink any more.

How about you? Is erotic spanking just a fantasy for you or something that you want to do for real? Are you maybe still looking for Mr or Mrs Right? Does he or she have to be kinky? Or are you maybe already living in a relationship? Does your mate share your kink? If no, how do you deal with that? And if yes, how important is that shared kink for you? Has your view about love relationships and the question of sharing one's fetishes with one's mate changed over time? We are curious to hear from you!


OldFashionedGirl said...

My Significant Other of 20 years doesn't share my interest in CP and at first was a bit horrified by it. But over time SO has come to understand that it's something that I need and it's now part of our lives. I know I shouldn't push things too far, but am happy with the status quo as it means my needs are met.

Hartwin said...

Hmmmmmh ... very interesting questions. Although I am in the happy position of having a long-term spanking partner, I would like to think I would be OK with a non-spanking but loving relationship and that I could rely on pure fantasy for the kinky part. Whether I could or not, I don't really know.

What I do know, however, is that some people cannot remain in a relationship with someone who has that kink, even if the kinky one is happy enough just to stick to fantasy. Perhaps even stranger is that someone who has actually been involved in spanking play in at least one failed relationship may feel unable to continue a different relationship after finding out that the new partner is kinky, even if that new partner is quite happy for the kink to remain fantasy and does not need to indulge in actual spanking.

I will use false names here, although the people are real enough. Rosa had a relationship with one of my male friends (Wolfgang) for several years, then the two separated, without any real explanation being forthcoming, but my friend quickly developed a new girl friend who was much less physically attractive than Rosa, although he did say the new girlfriend "had a beautiful mind." After a while, Rosa started going out with another of my male friends (Johann). Later on they became engaged and a wedding date was set, then suddenly it was all completely off and Rosa had a new boyfriend called Achim. Some time passed, then in conversation with Johann I learned that Rosa and Achim had split up also.

Weeks later, having broken up with my own (almost 100% non-kinky) girlfriend, I had a couple of spare concert tickets and Johann suggested that maybe Rosa would like to accompany me to the performance. To cut a long story short, Rosa and I started going out with each other and all went swimmingly until at some point my kink was mentioned, whereupon her ardour cooled like it had been dropped into a Dewar of liquid nitrogen and within days she left me, saying that she should have stayed with Achim, because "he would never want to hit or hurt any living thing and certainly not his girlfriend."

What I think is most interesting, however, is that in later conversation with Johann, I discovered that a major reason he and Rosa separated was that he found her too needy during love-making, in that in order to climax she needed to be spanked pretty hard and would become very moody if Johann failed to satisfy her in that respect. Apparently similar considerations had been responsible for the earlier split with Wolfgang.

So there you are. Why did Rosa apparently like a bit of kinky spanky with (probably) Wolfgang and (definitely) Johann, but seemed horrified to find that I liked that sort of thing? Answers on a postcard, as they say ...

Just in case you were wondering, she married Achim.

Indy said...

My simple answer is no, I can't do without spanking. Of course, that's not strictly true, and I have done without for many years. Even embracing fantasies about spanking changed my erotic world from black and white to technicolor almost overnight. I think spanking is probably a genuine fetish for me, and I'm not sure I've ever reached a climax without at least fantasizing about spanking.

So the question is, could I have a committed sexual relationship without spanking? My knee-jerk response is no, probably not. On the other hand, though, it's hard to imagine failing to build a life together with someone who is otherwise compatible because of kink. Would a willingness to engage in such activity on occasion be enough? Who knows, maybe it would.

After all, our kinky world is a very small one, and I think one has to be more than a little lucky to find both emotional and kinky compatibility with the same person. So I don't think it's surprising that relationships with some degree of openness are so common in kinky circles.

I wonder, are the desires of people in the fetish community really that much more specific than those of vanillas? Or do we just spend a lot more time thinking about sexual compatibility than does the wider community?

Spankingfreunde.DE said...

Fantasie hat keine Grenzen, ein aber und ein vielleicht kennen nur die ohne Fantasie.

Anonymous said...

I was quite attached to a vanilla partner when I was in my early 20's. She ultimately let me spank her, but it was clearly done to please me, rather than her enjoying the dynamic. I toned it down, quite a bit, to the point that it was more of a good tapping rather than spanking. The harder play felt abusive, even though she was ok letting me spank her.

A couple of years later, I met my wife, whom I spanked within a couple of hours of meeting. She was teasing me and I threatened to spank her. She then stuck her rear out. I told her I really would and she stuck it out further. That was the first of many, many, many spankings.

We don't do punishment, all is for play (even we are playing punishment). In the almost 20 years we have been married, she has only used her safe word twice.

Back then, I could have stayed in a relationship without it. Today, if my wife couldn't for some reason, ever be spanked I would stay. But, I would greatly miss both the dynamics and the playfulness.

Donpascual said...

If a person is kinky, that will be the strongest part of his/her sexuality. It cannot be ignored or bypassed.
Therefore, any kind of long lasting partnership will only be possible if there is a high amount of congruence concerning sexual tastes. Even if one of the partners forces herself/himself to spank or be spanked, in order to keep the partnership intact, that cannot fully satisfy the genuine needs of one or both.
I also agree, that we are very aware of the need to talk a lot more about kink and sexuality than vanilla partners.
In a vanilla relationship, kink might be suppressed for a while, if there are many kids, lots of professional pressure, building a home, a bunch of grand children to look after and so forth. But eventually the kink will win, I am sure of that.
Within a kinky relationship, the question of flexibility and experimenting will not be a real challenge. As the M/M thread has shown - just as one example - we are pretty tolerant, limits can be established, but will be accepted by the partner.

Anonymous said...


I have been with my husband for over 20 years, but he does not share my kink. I'm not even sure how far my kink goes, as it has stayed as pure fantasy. But I love him, and I can live with him as things are. He does not satisfy all of my fantasies, but then I doubt if I satisfy his - I'm not a slim, pretty girl, I'm fat, fortysomething and scarred in places.

So occasionally I find that our TV has been left on the Playboy Channel. And I read the odd blog or two. It works for us.

By the way, I very much enjoy the videos on this blog. They show you can be kinky and still have fun with it. Please keep up the good work!


Val said...

Q - Is erotic spanking ... a fantasy... or something that you want to do for real?
A - Luckily, doing it for real.

Q - Are you maybe still looking for Mr or Mrs Right?
A - No. Cannot thank the stars enough for striking it lucky already (here goes that word again).

A - "She" happens to be kinky just in the right amount that matches our desires and fantasies, when pushing those too.

Q - Does he or she have to be kinky?
A - Well, only as much as required to generate the tickle we seek, and then some more to push the edge a bit, until next time.

Q - Or are you maybe already living in a relationship?
A - Based on answers so far, yes :-).

Q - Does your mate share your kink?
A - Yes.

Q - If no, how do you deal with that?
A - When I brought it up first, I was ready to either accept that my partner was not going to jump in and try the waters in which case I was also ready to suppress and "live with the lack of kink," or that I was going to revert to a "wide availability mode," so to speak, as soon as she heard it and bolted for the door. :-)
Today I cannot imagine not sharing the kink in my relationship.

Q - And if yes, how important is that shared kink for you?
A - Very important, see the point above. I now know that it would have been a disaster if I had tried to snuff the kink and live without. As it turned out, she jumped with both feet first, and the rest is blissful history.

Q - Has your view about love relationships and the question of sharing one's fetishes with one's mate changed over time?
A - Changed positively in the sense that early on you only think you understand about openness and intimacy, the real meanings of them. As time passes you also get to experience their effect and meaning, and that accumulated experience is what builds the relationship.

So overall, our experiences match in good measure.

Joan said...

I am working on this one, these days.

Kaelah said...

@ OldFashionedGirl:
It's great to hear that you and your partner found a solution that works for both of you! Being together with someone who is willing to try the things one needs is wonderful. :-)

@ Hartwin:
Welcome, and thank you very much for sharing your story. :-) I have no idea why Rosa reacted so negatively when you told her about your kink. The only clue I can come up with is that she either wasn't comfortable with her kinkiness and in a state of denial or afraid of someone with toppy fantasies, even though she seems to be a bottom. I know that I had a lot of questions about how that sadist thing worked in the beginning, and about how far the well-being and the limits of the bottom were important for a top. If Rosa was even more insecure about these things than I was, maybe she thought that a real top (in contrast to the non kinky guys whom she had asked to top her so far) would want to bring in his own kinky fantasies with which she might not be comfortable as a bottom. That's of course just a vague guess, though. It's good that this question doesn't have to bother you any more, anyway, since you have obviously found a mate with whom you wonderfully fit together! :-)

@ Indy:
Good questions! I think fetishes in general are usually quite specific. I'm not sure whether kinky people are so much more specific than vanillas when it comes to sexual fantasies, though. I guess that some of us who read a lot about kink, who engage in online discussions and who have watched or tried a lot of spanking play, learn more about their specific kink and about what is possible in terms of kinky play and kinky relationships. But I assume that this is the same for people who are very open-minded and curious when it comes to vanilla sex and the different possibilities. On the other hand, I have the feeling that there are also a lot of kinksters who, for example, fancy traditional schoolgirl kink or just simple hard spankings and could watch or do that over and over again, as long as a few basic elements are included. Just like vanillas who prefer one sexual activity or position that must meet several basic criteria but doesn't have to be very special otherwise.

@ Spankingfreunde:
Nice saying!

@ Carl:
Welcome and thanks a lot for your comment! Ludwig and I also talked about the possibility that one of us might, for example, stop being kinky one day. I assume that we would also (try to) stay together in that case. It would definitely be a loss, though.

@ Donpascual:
Like you, I can't really imagine how it would be to live in a love relationship with a vanilla partner. I would definitely miss something. But I can imagine that if two people really love each other, it can feel okay to live out that part of one's sexuality only in one's imagination or only within certain limits because one's partner doesn't share one's kink. As I wrote in my reply to Carl, I assume that Ludwig and I would (at least try to) stay together, even if one of us didn't have the desire to practise BDSM any more.

@ Anonymous:
Thanks a lot for delurking and thanks for your lovely compliment! It's wonderful that you and your husband have found compromises within your relationship that work for both of you. I'm not even sure whether watching the playboy channel means that your husband is really missing anything. From my experience people can watch porn as a kind of add-on, no matter how happy they are with their sex life. For example, I still read kinky blogs and I sometimes watch the one or other kinky clip, despite of being absolutely happy with Ludwig. It inspires my fantasy.

@ Val:
You seem to be indeed as lucky as I am, having found the mate with whom you can share your life and live out your fantasies! :-)

@ Joan:
Welcome, and I keep my fingers crossed for you. You are of course very welcome to share your story, once you know the outcome. :-)