Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2011): Do You Want Kids With That?

From time to time someone will pop up online and accuse kinky people of being potential child abusers. Some weeks ago this happened for example on Amelia Jane Rutherford's blog, and she wrote a fantastic reply. Since I am sure that most of our readers know the difference between consensual adult play and child abuse, there is no reason to discuss that topic here. Drawing any connection between erotic kink and abusive behaviour is nonsense. Bottom line.

A while ago I had to face a quite different question, though, which had to do with kink and children as well. As I already mentioned in previous posts, many friends and several members of Ludwig's and my family know that we are kinky. The majority of them don't have any problems with that at all, and surely none of them would see us as potential child abusers. But a few people are struggling a bit with the concept of erotic spanking.

Among those who aren't really comfortable with the idea of erotic kink is a female relative aged around sixty, who is very close and dear to both Ludwig and me. I am going to call her Anne here. She learned about our erotic preferences in an unplanned situation. Anne doesn't judge us for who we are and she is still as caring and supportive as always. But deep inside she finds the idea of erotic spanking unsettling.

A while ago we talked about children, and Ludwig and I said that we are planning to have at least one or maybe two. Not in the near future, but in a few year's time. I have talked to Anne about children on other occasions, and she always told me she thought that Ludwig would be a good, loving daddy. That time she suddenly hesitated, though. Then she finally asked: “Are you sure that you want children? I mean, can you definitely make sure that they won't find out about your kink?”

Anne of course never intended to hurt us with her question. She loves children, and I am sure that she will be there to support us when we have a child one day. Her question expressed a real concern, though. Anne was seriously worried about our children-to-be's well-being, because in her opinion children can't deal with the knowledge that their parents are kinky.

I have to admit that I was puzzled by Anne's question. The idea of hiding our kink from our children never occurred to me (read: hiding = not telling them; of course they are not supposed to watch!). I am very convinced that children can deal with their parents being kinky, as long as they are told about it step by step in age-appropriate ways. To my mind the only thing that really scares children is the fear that their parents don't love them or each other any more. Or the feeling that there is some dark family secret, something horrible, something no one is allowed to talk about.

When I grew up, my parents always answered all the questions which I had about love and sex. They had been raised at a time where intimate topics weren't discussed openly, and that had led to rather unpleasant experiences. For example, my mum was very afraid when she got her menstruation for the first time because she thought she was ill. To ensure that I wouldn't make similar experiences, my parents encouraged me to ask all the questions I had and answered them as well as they could. Consequently, when I got my menstruation for the first time, I wasn't scared at all. Quite the contrary, I was very proud because it meant to me that I was becoming more adult.

I vaguely remember that I, like many children, also accidentally entered my parents' bedroom one time when they didn't expect it. I have been told that some children are shocked by that experience, but I wasn't. As far as I remember I asked one of them the next day whether they had been making love. I was confirmed that my assumption was right and the case was closed for me. From what my parents had taught me, sexuality was something positive, so there was nothing to worry about.

In my opinion the same is true for erotic kink or any other special situation. Before I met Ludwig, I had been in the process of becoming a single mother by choice. During that time I had thought and read a lot about how to raise a child under unusual conditions and how to ensure its well-being. My mum supported me in my plan, as she always did, being convinced that I would be a good mother and that I would always take good care of my child. The baby socks in the picture at the top of this post were a little present from my mum to show me her support.

When I was sitting at my mum's bed in her last hours, one thing I told her was that she would have grandchildren one day. My mum liked Ludwig very much, and she neither doubted his nor my ability to be a good parent. Our kink didn't make any difference for her. My mother would have been a wonderful grandma. I wished she could hold one of her grandchildren one day, at least a single time. When the day comes and I will be a mother myself, I hope that I will be at least half as good as her. Then I'm sure that our children will grow up to be happy adults, and it won't make any difference that their parents are kinky.

But what about kinky couples who can't have a baby and therefore want to adopt a child? I'm quite sure if that happened to Ludwig and me and if someone found out about our kink or, even worse, about this blog, the pictures and the clips, we wouldn't be allowed to become adoptive parents. That thought makes me very sad. I just hope that we will never depend on anyone else to decide whether we can have children or not.

Spanking Porn: On Compartmentalization

Ludwig and I have discussed many spanking related topics lately. One thing we talked about was spanking porn and how it works for us. I thought it would be interesting to ask or readers about their points of view as well. So this is the first post in a mini series about spanking porn related topics.

Imagine the following situation: You are watching a spanking film which on the whole suits your kinky taste. But it also involves elements that you don't like. The positive and negative elements might either be within one single scene. Let's take, for example, a spanking scenario with a nice spankee, your favourite level of severity, beautiful reactions, well shot, but for some reason the attitude of the top annoys you. Or maybe a film consisting of several different scenes involves one spanking which has all the right ingredients for you, but other scenes in that movie turn out to be complete turn-offs.

How do you deal with that ambiguity? Do you watch the film nonetheless and enjoy the parts that suit your taste? Or do you turn away?

Ludwig and I deal with such a situation in very different ways. Ludwig has the ability of compartmentalization, which means that he focusses on the positive elements of the movie and simply ignores the parts he doesn't like. I don't have that ability. If I find one aspect of a scene or the film as a whole strongly annoying or if one element touches any of my personal limits, I can't enjoy the positive parts of the movie any more.

In my opinion this is not only true for spanking porn, it's the same with vanilla films as well. The difference might be a bit stronger when it comes to spanking movies, though, which I explain by the fact that I am more likely to watch films (especially M/F scenarios) rather from the bottom perspective while Ludwig is more likely to be in a toppy mindset. Since we both have more hard limits when bottoming than when topping, I am more likely to find elements that make me feel uncomfortable.

But I still think that the top / bottom mindset is not the main reason for our different behaviour. In my opinion the ability to compartmentalize is the key. Ludwig and I have developed the theory that the different ways in which we process information could explain our different reactions. Ludwig is an INFJ and I am an INTJ in the Myers-Briggs personality type continuum. Our idea is that NF-types are more likely to have the ability to compartmentalize than NT-types.

By the way, I think the question of compartmentalization does not only affect spanking films, it also applies to private spanking scenes. I'm not sure about that aspect, but I assume that even in the bottom position Ludwig is much more likely to simply ignore elements of a scene he doesn't like, while I am much more likely to be thrown out of the erotic fantasy as a whole.

We would like to hear about your experiences. Do you have the ability to compartmentalize? Under which conditions do or don't you have that ability? And, in case you know, which personality type are you?

Autumn Leaves

It is getting cold here in Germany, but Ludwig and I were lucky to catch the last autumnal sunbeams during a walk in the woods two weeks ago. The trees and the ground were decorated with leaves of all different colours. The sun flooded the scenery with a mystical light and the air was warm and cosy. So we decided to seize the opportunity and take some pictures.

The sunlight warmed my skin during our little photo session, and the soft moss invited me to lie down for some more pictures. We had to be quick, though, because obviously a lot of people had decided to go for a walk that day. So unfortunately my bottom was only heated by the sun and not by either Ludwig's hand or one of the twigs which where lying around. But there is always a next time!

 

And at least we got some nice pictures to share with you. I hope you like them!

The Taxman Cometh

Soon Pandora's new site Dreams Of Spanking will be launched. So, here it finally is: The first part of the behind-the-scenes report from the shoot Ludwig and I did for Pandora earlier this year. I won't start chronologically, though. Today's post is going to be about the last scene we shot, which will be the first one to be published. It was also the first time I ever topped a woman and dished out an OTK spanking!

I had signalled Pandora that I would be interested in topping her, and she had come up with an idea for a little scenario: Pandora was a self-employed spanking model who came to visit her tax accountant (can't imagine why Pandora saw me in that role...) who happened to be one of her friends at the same time. Unfortunately, Pandora did not only show up late, but her paperwork was a mess as well. So her friend, being angry but sure that Pandora could do better and not wanting to let her down, decided to teach her a lesson instead of telling her to find another tax accountant.

Pandora gave me a plot description with some ideas for the dialogue the evening before the shoot. I was a bit afraid of that scene, partly because of my inexperience as a top and partly because of the dialogue. I knew that the scene would be the last one of the day and in the evening my English usually gets worse due to tiredness. I assumed that the excitement after the severe caning which I had coming first thing in the morning wouldn't make it any better. Furthermore, the nervousness about that severe scene didn't allow me to prepare much dialogue for a later scene the night before. And I was neither familiar with the special vocabulary nor with the English tax system. So, I would have to improvise a lot.

Ludwig calmed me down when I told him that I wasn't sure whether I would be able to sell the character of the strict tax accountant properly. “Just be your annoying nitpicking self. That'll do perfectly.” I don't like to admit it, but he proved to be right.

Ludwig was behind the camera for the scene. Since we had only one camera, every break meant that he had to change the camera angle. So it was clear that there should be as few breaks as possible. Pandora and I had just started our conversation when a special guest turned up, though. Fatface, Pandora's cat, must have followed us. Where it had come in, I don't know.

But Fatface was obviously determined to become a porn star! Without hesitation the cat walked past Ludwig and into the scene. For a second Ludwig thought about grabbing the cat by its tail, but he decided against it because he didn't want to hurt Fatface. Pandora and I were a bit stunned for a second but then simply went on like the cat was supposed to be there. Obviously the tax accountant owned a cat... Fatface collected some caresses from both of us and then happily left the scene.

Pandora and I went on. The dialogue proved to be a bit difficult indeed, but I improvised and didn't stop, even when I realised that I had made a grammatical mistake. I think I changed the focus of the storyline a bit compared to Pandora's original plan, though. I assume that Pandora wanted to focus more on the fact that the model had let herself down by, for example, not having collected the receipts for her expenses properly, which meant that she would have to pay more taxes than necessary.

I got carried away by some other thoughts, though. If I sent in documents with missing receipts and someone found out, wouldn't that destroy my credibility as a tax accountant? Wouldn't the tax authorities start to check the documents of all my clients twice? And why did Pandora assume that I had enough time to sort out her documents for her when she turned up at the very last minute? - Have you ever worked with fellow employees who only do the stuff they like and hope that the stupid and boring eager beavers will do the rest? That was the picture which I had in mind during the scene.

And so my annoying nitpicking self took over. Especially as Pandora tried to talk her way out of the spanking. I remember her saying: “I will try to make it better the next time.” And me growling back: “This is not about trying! This is simply about doing it!” And so the conversation went on, even after Pandora had agreed to accept a spanking and was draped over my knee.

I had never spanked anyone OTK before and was a bit scared at first that I might not be able to hold and support Pandora safely with my knees. But it worked perfectly and I have to say that it was a wonderful feeling when Pandora put her weight on me and trusted me to hold her. Topping Pandora in front of a camera without having much experience was a bit scary because I didn't want to screw up. But at the same time it felt easier than topping someone in a private scene because the storyline and the course of the spanking were given. It definitely was a wonderful experience.

We started with my hand over her skirt, which proved to be not that effective, even though I gave my best. But Pandora was already warmed up from a previous scene and the skirt reduced the effect of my hand spanking as well. The only resulting marks were on my hand, as you can see in the second picture of this post. But I gave everything I had while lecturing Pandora at the same time. I only made a little newbie mistake: Not talking in between the strokes, but with them. Pandora told me that my words are audible in the video, though, so it should be alright.

The spanking went on over the knickers and on the bare and finally ended with the hairbrush. Pandora had told me that I didn't have to hold back with the brush she had given me, and so I laid on. That particular hairbrush is very slippery, though, as Pandora has experienced herself. I want to remark that I was completely sober during the shoot, though! Nonetheless the brush suddenly slipped out of my hand. But I managed to catch it in mid-air and went on as vigorously as before. A short time later the hairbrush slipped out of my hand a second time. But again I caught it and simply went on. As a result I think that I look not extremely skilled but very ambitious, which in my mind perfectly fits the character who wasn't supposed to have any prior experiences with spanking at all!

You can make up your own mind about the scene, though. Because here is the preview clip which has just been published by Pandora. Hope you like it!


In my opinion "The Taxman Cometh" is a funny little scene and I'm looking forward to seeing the final clip, which will go online on the day Dreams Of Spanking is launched. It definitely was a pleasure and a lot of fun to shoot it! The reports of the other two scenes will follow in a while. The two clips will be released in the first months after the site launch and we will give you a glimpse behind the scenes once they are available.

(24 x 2) + (8 x 6) = pain

(Before any annoying math wizards jump on the title: yes, I am aware that the parantheses are unnecessary because of the customary multiplication-before-addition order of operations. But it just looked better with them!)

Kaelah and I were most impressed by the response to this year's Global Day of Delurk. Granted, you tend to get a bigger response when you offer the added incentive of making a spanking video (more about that below). But we still did not expect quite so many comments. We heard from 31 different readers, including eight true first-time delurkers. That is a record for our blog, and once more, we are comfortably above the comments-per-blog average (18.50 according to Bonnie's figures). So, a big thank you from both of us to everyone who participated. Especially to the true delurkers - it would be lovely to keep hearing from you in the future as well.

I am all the more pleased with the response after what has been a relatively quiet summer and autumn for us. We had a semi-hiatus, we only managed an average four posts per month from May to October, and while Kaelah tenaciously kept things going, I was almost entirely absent. And still, we get this kind of response on delurk day. That really is flattering, and it shows me that we must have been doing something right these past few years to attract such loyal readers. Thank you again. Oh, and by the way, my personal semi-hiatus is now officially over. If I needed any motivation for re-joining Kaelah in blogging, I have it now. You will hear more from me again in the coming months.

But enough with the banter. I am sure you are all eagerly waiting for the Global Day of Delurk debriefing in regards to the spanking video Kaelah and I are going to make. We said that anyone who had commented before would contribute two strokes with the riding crop, and every first-time delurker would contribute six strokes with the leather paddle. So, here is the final tally, with the commenters in chronological order:

Contributing two strokes each with the riding crop:

Our Bottoms Burn

Hermione

!

Indy

ronnie

Fred Bloggs

Karl Friedrich Gauss

Michael

Chross

Greenwoman

sixofthebest

Prefectdt

Erica Scott

Mija

A.S.S.

Spearthrower

Bonnie 

Ursus Lewis

Peter8862

Gaviao

Saro

New one

doclash

Contributing six strokes each with the leather paddle:

Simon

Lydia

Raven Red

Bob Koch

FatFreddy

Elsie

Spankfun

Cane not Caine

If my math is correct, that adds up to 46 strokes with the crop and 48 strokes with the paddle. But in fact, Kaelah has been complaining so much about narrowly missing the symmetry of having the same number with both implements, I am counting her own comments to the Global Day of Delurk as another two with the crop. After all, why should only comments from blog readers count and not comments from the blog authors? There was nothing in the announcement that precluded the latter. So, it will be 48 strokes with the crop, and 48 with the paddle.

You know what I think is funny? There also wasn't anything in the announcement about which one of us would get the spanking. Kaelah wrote that we were going to make a clip, she wrote about the implements and the numbers of strokes - but not about the identity of the spankee. Everyone just automatically assumed that it would be Kaelah. Not an unreasonable assumption, given that she is mostly a bottom and I am mostly a top, and later confirmed by Kaelah in her comments. But still, I just think it's funny how there never seemed to be any uncertainty in anyone's mind. We really need more x/M material in the spanking blogosphere to shake up our expectations (I have contributed to that in the past and will do it a few more times before I retire from the Scene).

From this year's Global Day of Delurk, however, we are indeed going to make an M/F clip, as was assumed. The action will be about twice as long as we originally expected. Kaelah had reckoned with four or at best five delurkers, but certainly not with eight. Otherwise, she might not have been so generous as to offer six strokes for each! We also did not expect so many commenters in total. But, as you know, Kaelah is a brave girl who takes challenges in stride. And since the two of us have not played much in recent months, she has been talking about how she craves an extended, proper thrashing, anyway. Now she is going to get one.

We are going to film the clip in about two weeks, when we next see each other, and will then edit it in time for a release as a Christmas gift.

Please No More!

(Standard schoolgirl spanking fare from Girl Spanks Girl, Girls Boarding School, Pain4Fem and Punished Girls. By comparison, videos with male spankees or innovative spanking scenarios are hard to find.)

Some time ago Adele Haze wrote a very interesting post called Schoolgirl spanking: A favourite fantasy. In that post, she explained that she can't get enough of schoolgirl scenes, no matter how repetitive they might be. Adele also analysed why she likes schoolgirl scenes so much and why she can't get enough of them. And then she asked her readers about their opinions.

Funnily, Ludwig and I reacted the same way when we talked about Adele's post. Our shared opinion: “I wish I wouldn't have to see the same things again and again! I am getting tired of reading about and watching the same old stories over and over.”

Ludwig has written reviews of several schoolgirl spanking films and websites featuring schoolgirls. He always preferred the more creative and unusual schoolgirl storylines, but he liked the schoolgirl scenario as a classical spanking genre. Today, though, he is so fed up with schoolgirls that even imaginative variations on the topic, like Northern Spanking's Schoolgirls in Space, hardly manage to raise his interest.

I've made similar observations, but my issues go even further. Although I'm female and predominantly a bottom myself, I don't want to hear about x/F scenarios anymore. The reason: The internet is so full of x/F spanking stories, films and pictures that I simply sometimes can no longer stand it. I'm missing a certain balance, like Pandora so wonderfully described in her recent post Male spanking showcase. The result: What was once thrilling has become rather annoying and almost a turn-off.

I assume that all spankos have scenarios we can't get enough of. Today I don't want to ask you about those, though. What Ludwig and I would like to know instead is: Are there any aspects of kink which you once liked but can't stand anymore today? If yes, why has your interest in them diminished? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

Global Day Of Delurk 2011

For the sixth time Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts has organised Love Our Lurkers Day or, as we call it here at the Rohrstock-Palast, the Global Day Of Delurk. Thank you very much, Bonnie, for all your efforts that go into this wonderful little event. This is the first time for me to write our Global Day of Delurk post, which is a big honour, since I've got a very special relation with this campaign.

In 2008 I wrote my first-ever comment here on Ludwig's Rohrstock-Palast, in reply to Ludwig's first Global Day Of Delurk post. At that time I still called myself K'Ehleyr. Our long-time readers know how things evolved from that moment on, and the rest of you can read the full story here if you like. What a great journey it has been! Anyway, here I am, being Ludwig's mate for more than 2 ½ years now and writing my first own Global Day Of Delurk post at what is now our joint blog.

Ludwig is no longer available as a mate, but I would like to invite all our silent readers out there to say hello nonetheless. Ludwig and I both love writing and we are lucky to have a wonderful bunch of commenters on this blog. And, of course, we are glad to know that we have many more readers who seem to enjoy our writing but prefer to remain quiet. Still it can be hard sometimes to write mostly for a silent crowd. So, if you are a reader of this blog and if you can spare a few minutes, please use this day to raise your head.

To give you a little additional incentive, we have decided to combine this year's Global Day Of Delurk campaign with a little film-project. Ludwig and I are going to make a clip, and it depends on you how long or short this clip is going to be. The clip will be a rather straight-forward spanking clip this time, so that we will be able publish it in a few weeks' time already.

There will be two parts of the spanking action, one with our riding crop and one with our leather paddle. And you are the ones who can decide how long the two action sequences are going to be! All you have to do is write a comment on this post. For every comment written by someone who has already commented earlier on Ludwig's Rohrstock-Palast two strokes with the riding crop will be added. And for every real first-time delurker there will be SIX strokes with the paddle! All comments that are published until the 17th of November 23:59:59 German time will be counted. The only precondition for your comment to be counted is that it isn't anonymous (please think up some kind of nickname for yourself, so we don't end up with a bunch of indistinguishable anonymous comments!).

So, use your chance to say hi if you like, and help us to create a funny little piece of spanking art together! And in case you prefer to remain silent, I would like to use this post to say: Thank you very much for reading our blog and we hope that you are having a good time with us!

My Kinky Therapy

In my posts Therapy? and Speculative Questions, I asked whether kink can be used as a kind of “self-therapy” (in quotation marks; I don't want to imply that spanking can substitute any real therapy in case of serious mental issues). I told you that in my opinion my own kinky fantasies and my kinky life provide that kind of therapy and that I would write about my own experiences in a separate post. It has taken a while but here it finally is.

I have written about my fantasies and the goes and no-goes before. So, I'm going to keep this aspect short today and only focus on the question how these fantasies and my kinky activities are connected to my real-life experiences and in how far they improve my well-being.


Empowerment and self-trust:

The heroine fantasies surely are some of the oldest fantasies I have. They don't even have to be connected with kink, but they can be. I'm very sure that I have developed these fantasies because I often didn't feel very strong and self-confident. I always was very ambitious and I knew that I could achieve the things I dreamed of by working hard. But every time a new challenge turned up, my initial hypothesis was that I couldn't do it. This did not keep me from trying, but always having to prove that my null-hypothesis was wrong cost me a lot of energy. That is why I often dreamed of being a heroine, someone who strongly believed in herself and always knew that she would find a way to make things happen.

My self-confidence and self-trust have improved, but I'm still an emotional human being and can easily be scared or hurt. I've come to terms with my emotions and even see them as something positive now, but still the fantasy of the tough woman who takes new challenges without stomachaches holds a big appeal for me. And I love to make that experience in my kinky play when I take the challenge of a severe spanking. That is why surviving isn't enough for me. Surviving is what I always did in my real life. Feeling strong throughout the challenge is what I was always longing for.

Leading and playing with the big boys:

The idea of someone trusting me enough to allow me to lead them has gained more and more appeal during the recent years. This is a big part of my topping fantasies. The idea of being allowed to lead someone who is normally used to be a leader himself (or herself) is one that holds a special attraction. Even as a child and teenager, I always wanted to play with the big boys. Which is one reason why the idea of topping Ludwig has such a special appeal for me. He is predominantly a top and is very picky on the rare occasions when he switches. The experience of him giving himself to me as a bottom therefore is a very empowering one, one that gives me strength for my day-to-day life as well.

Feeling, not thinking:

I am an INTJ, which means that I tend to plan and organize a lot. And I tend to follow my reason more often than my gut feeling. I've learned to trust my feelings more and more in the recent years and to take care that my rational plans and my emotions are consistent. But still it is very rare for me to stop thinking and focus on my feelings only. In my sexual play with Ludwig, though, I can let go and focus completely on the sensations, knowing that he will do only things to me which I enjoy, like in the scene which I described recently. The kinky tools that help me the most to give up control are restraints and blindfolds. They allow me to feel safe and to focus completely on myself and my feelings even while interacting with Ludwig. This form of play provides a wonderful time-out from real-life issues and organisational tasks and helps me to recharge my batteries. Cuddling and being tickled have a similar effect, by the way.

Feeling safe:

Since my mum died, I'm very aware of the fact that we can lose anyone we love at any time, and that no-one can be there for us or protect us forever. Ludwig loves me, and he is there for me and takes care of me as well as he can. But we are equal partners and of course there are many things in my life as an adult that he can't take away from me and which I have to do myself or have to go through myself. I wouldn't want it any other way between us, anyway!

But when I'm lying in bed alone, I often have the desire to feel as safe as a child again. That's when I indulge myself in my naval cadet fantasies. I'm only an observer in these fantasies (for I can't see myself as a child anymore), but I can go into the mindsets of the different characters. It's always the same universe with the same characters and the same kinds of scenarios which I fantasize about. This way my kinky fantasies are like a good-night ritual.

And fantasy figures have one great advantage: They don't get old, they don't get ill, they don't die. As long as I live they will be there. And so my little navy universe allows me to let go and feel aroused and safe at the same time when I fall asleep.

Letting out my inner geek:

I've been a geek my whole life. But at school, being a geek wasn't cool. I also always liked to write stories and to discuss aspects of life that interested me, for instance, how human beings act and why. I also love to have an audience, hopefully inspire them with my thoughts and get back their ideas in return. That's what I do when I'm blogging. I don't pretend to be someone else here, but somehow, being a geek is okay in our community. It can even be cool. And that is a wonderful feeling. I can sort out my own thoughts when writing blog posts and at the same time let out my inner geek for everyone to see.

Feeling sexy:

I never considered myself to be very female, let alone sexy! I was the grey mouse who watched Star Trek, wore clothes with teddy bears instead of sexy miniskirts and read books. Being in a relationship with a man who loves me and finds me sexy as well as living out my sexual desires has given me a completely new image of myself and of my body. What was equally important for that development, though, was making and posting sexy pictures. It is almost impossible to evaluate how much the pictures have increased my self-confidence.

I used to find myself unattractive on photos, even on holiday pictures or the like. When Ludwig and I made or first sexy photo-shoot with our friends Neil and Eileen, looking at the results struck me like thunder. For the first time in my life I found myself sexy on a photo! Emma Jane has recently written a great post about that topic titled Beautifully me. I can only second her descriptions of what the photo-making can change. Today I also like many vanilla pictures of myself. And I love to dress up from time to time, for instance, for the Shadow Lane party. I still like teddies, by the way, but I think that on the right pyjama, they can even be sexy in their own way.

Being creative:

There are different kinky activities which allow me to live out my creativity. The preparation of private scenes, the blog writing, scene ideas for kinky pictures and last but not least filming clips. Like the pictures, the clips make me feel sexy. But I enjoy the creative process, developing storylines, finding the most beautiful camera angles and finally composing a clip out of the pieces of footage even more than anything else. That's why I prefer to participate in film-making projects that give me as much creative freedom as possible.

I also like to play different characters in front of the camera. It allows me to go into different mindsets and to play around with character traits which I wouldn't ever let out in real life because they are socially unwanted. I can be angry, I can be cold, and all that without having to be afraid of hurting anyone, because it is all just part of a storyline.

And I love to be behind the camera. At Pandora's last shoot for the SM Circus, I had the opportunity to be behind the camera, and it was a wonderful experience! Art always was one of my worst subjects at school. I never thought that I had any feeling for pictures. Now finding the most beautiful and unusual perspectives for photos and camera angles in clips is something that gives me a lot of satisfaction and lets me see the world with new eyes.


As you can see, my various kinky activities and the experience of living out my kinky fantasies have given me a lot of self-confidence. My fantasies and my kinky experiences allow me to be how I always wanted to be, to do things which I never thought I'd be able to do and to feel safe and strong. And all that without having to neglect who I am and having to pretend to be someone else. Therefore my kink makes me feel happier, which I think is the best possible outcome any therapy can achieve!

The Vengeance Demon

So here they are, the promised Halloween pictures! I decided to dress up as a Vengeance Demon this year, so for one day at least I didn't have to hide the real me. In my opinion the job as a Vengeance Demon is cool, spending one's time to hunt down unfaithful men (and women, this is the 21st century, and I'm all for gender equality) and teaching them a painful lesson.

And there are so many creative possibilities for their punishments! You just have to let your mind wander... Cooking them in boiling oil is an interesting method, right? Hmm, the only problem is, I don't own a suitable deep fryer (must take a mental note for my next birthday). Well, here comes another idea: How about blast-freezing?! But then, I think that my refrigerator is too small for that. But of course there is one more punishment method left. And I'm definitely well-equipped for that one...

… yep, indeed, a good, old-fashioned single-tail whipping. All you need is a fiercely determined Vengeance Demon (check), a single-tail whip (check), maybe some restraints (check) and an unfaithful delinquent (oops). Well, I'm sure I'll find one, sooner or later.

Or maybe one of you wants to make a confession right now? Come on, you know you'll feel better afterwards. At least until I get my hands on you ... ahem, I mean ... I'll be very sympathetic, really! Just take a look into my sweet, innocent puppy eyes.

So tell me, what did you do on Halloween and do you have any recommendations for kinky Halloween outfits?