Thursday, February 28, 2019

Kaelah's Corner (Feb 2019):
Midlife Crisis or Midlife Serenity

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to write a post last month. The reason is that I had a slightly bigger and more complicated topic on my mind, which took me a while to sort out and write down. So here it finally is, the first of a mini-series of two posts about a topic that occupies my thoughts a lot in the recent months: the second half of our lives. I am currently on the verge of that part of my life, at least if I am lucky. If I only become as old as my parents, then around 60 per cent or even 70 per cent of my life are already over.

But my age isn't the only reason why I think a lot about that issue. The second reason is that I have indeed already ticked off all the big points I always wanted to experience in my life. Except maybe for one, and that is having grandchildren. But that isn't in my hands, so I don't see it as something that belongs on my to-do-list. While having ticked off all the big points one wanted to achieve in life might sound a bit melodramatic, that's not how it feels and how I mean it. Actually, it just means that I didn't have too many unrealistic dreams and that I am indeed a very lucky person.

What is it that was on my list? Well, professionally it was going to university, getting a PhD degree, finding a demanding job with colleagues I like and which allows me to develop not only more professional expertise but also as a person. By now, I've achieved all of that. Of course, I could push my career a lot further, for instance work towards a job in the upper management. But since Ludwig and I don't need much money for our daily life, I sincerely ask myself whether having more creative influence (which is what makes a management job appealing in my view) is worth the extra time one has to invest in such a position. Right now with the kids, for me it isn't worth it, and I've decided that I'll take a closer look at my professional life again in a few years. Maybe I will even do something completely different in ten years, but for now I am where I always wanted to be, and I am content.

As a family person, my dreams were to fall in love at least once, maybe even marry (for quite some time I didn't really believe in that, given that I suffer from fear of commitment) and to give birth. That has now become real as well, and I am in for a very crazy, busy and exciting time.

Finally, I wanted to experience friendship, travel the world and maybe do something crazy most people don't do. Well, Ludwig is not only my husband, but my closest friend as well, and I've got a few more very close people plus a bunch of friends with whom I haven't got such an extremely intimate relationship but with whom I enjoy sharing time nonetheless. I've already traveled a lot as a child with my parents, mostly around Germany. With Ludwig, I've traveled a lot before we became parents. Among our journeys was one from Moscow to Vladivostok with the Trans-Siberian Railway and a trip once around the world with several stops by plane. Things many people always dream of, but never do. And as for doing something crazy most people won't do – well, I think meeting one's future husband through a kinky blog, writing a kinky blog, making and publishing kinky videos, some as amateur film-makers and some with professional producers, and visiting kinky events in different countries counts as that!

So here I am, having arrived in the middle of my life and already having achieved all the things I wanted to do before I die. I think this is the time when many people develop a midlife crisis. But I have to say that's not how I feel. I am definitely not in a crisis. Quite the contrary, to me it feels more like midlife serenity. I've achieved the things I always dreamed about. Some I worked very hard for, some I was just really lucky to get. And that makes me feel calm and happy. If I died today, I could look back at my life and say that I was a very lucky person indeed and that everything is okay.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't at all want to die! I want to see my children grow up. There are many countries I would still like to travel to. I want to meet new people and I want to try new things. But I am calmer now and don't have the feeling anymore that I constantly have to prove things to myself and others (I think you can see that in my kink, too). Instead, I have the feeling that the upcoming years will allow me to step back a bit and take the time to look at my life and decide what kinds of things I would like to do with the second half of it. Without the stress of asking myself things like: Will I ever have the family I am dreaming of? Will I find a good job that pays my bills and which I like? Will I ever feel sexy and womanly and try out all those fantasies that are on my mind?

I have to admit that I am scared of getting older. That's because of the health problems that become more evident with advanced age. But apart from that I feel more free now that I have reached the middle of my life than I did at the age of twenty. Of course I sometimes miss the feeling of having everything lying ahead of me, for instance when I see groups of young people on the bus or look at old pictures from school. The thrill of becoming an adult and starting an independent life with one million plus one opportunities. But I don't miss all the fears that came with that, the stress and the panic attacks.

There is another aspect that has changed in my life. I think that one came especially with the experience of my parents' death and the fact that I had to take care of their estate. I used to keep many things because, you know, one might need them one day. But in the last few years, slowly but surely, I've become much better at giving stuff away. It's especially hard with things which I got from my parents, but even that works now. And I have the feeling that cleaning up not only our basement but with it my life as well makes me feel lighter and free. So this is something I want to continue working on in the next years as well. I never was a person for decoration and rooms full of closets and stuff. But today I want even less stuff in my life and more air to breathe freely than I did before.

So, I am looking forward to the next half of my life. As for kink, I don't know what time will bring in that regard. I've read Pandora/Blake's post about their pregnancy (congratulations!), and in their case being pregnant seemingly doesn't have any negative impact on their sex drive so far. It was different with me, and it still is now that I am stressed out with two little ones and still breast-feeding and full of „mummy hormones“. Sometimes my low sex drive scares me a bit (most of the time I don't even have kinky fantasies nowadays), but I am more relaxed about it than I would have been a few years ago.

My Mum always used to say there is a time for everything, and right now obviously it is not the time for kinky adventures. My only concern is the negative impact this might have on Ludwig. Right now, he is okay with the situation, though, being rather stressed out himself. And that my sex and kink drive is low right now doesn't mean there can't be new kinky adventures one day in the future!

I've met quite a few fellow kinksters of higher age who proved to me that getting older doesn't mean one can't live one's (kinky) dreams anymore. And that is what my second post will be all about! For now I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic of getting older and what it means for life in general and of course for sex and kink, too!

2 comments:

Gustofur said...

Kaelah, l passed through the same transition 18 years ago that you so elequently described in your blog. I was at a later stage in my life. My children were grown and I had grandchildren. I retired from my job and eventually moved into a continuous care community with my wife, where all our needs needs are provided for us for the remainder of our lives. I am still close to my kids and grandkids. I am happy and content.
My kink must now be satisfied through literature,video and blogs, which is okay by me especially since there are intelligent blogs like yours. The rough part of being at this age is losing close friends to the “grim reaper”. There are however new friends to be made.
So, Kaelah, enjoy all the phases of life and keep sharing your experiences.

Anonymous said...

Kaelah

Another factor which may be of comfort is that you have already indulged your kinky desires and when you bring them to mind in the years to come they will be real memories of real things you actually did, rather than fantasies of things that you always wanted to do.

In that situation, I don't think it matters quite as much if they never occur again. You've done them, enjoyed them, and have the memories to sustain you. That's hugely better than being tantalised by events or activities (or places or people, for that matter) that you always meant to enjoy but never quite got round to.