Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2018): Out Of Control?

In my last two Kaelah's Corner posts I explained why I had decided not to show my boobies in my pictures when I started blogging and publishing kinky photos of myself and why I have become more open in that regard nowadays. One of the main issues which I discussed in these posts was the factor of trying to keep control.

I think that having control is often just an illusion when it comes to our lives in general. That becomes painfully obvious when a loved one suddenly gets seriously ill or we unexpectedly lose our job or when we are confronted with crime, terrorism and war. But in my opinion not being able to control everything in our life doesn't mean we shouldn't have dreams, make plans and try to give our life a direction we like.

I think it is wise to take into consideration that things might not always turn out as planned, though, and to stay open-minded. In that regard, I believe that being aware that we can't always be in control actually gives us more control because we stay open enough to recognize unexpected chances and to use them. For example, take a woman who sadly loses her job, but suddenly realises that this is her chance to go into a different field of work that always appealed to her but seemed too big of a leap as long as she had her old, well-paying job. Or a man who becomes very ill and starts thinking about the things he hasn't done, yet, but would love to do. And after fighting the illness he decides to go on a trip around the globe because he has realised that this is something he wants to do from deep within his heart.

And then there are those things in life where we have to deliberately give up control in order to gain something we really want. Giving birth is such a situation. In order for the child to be born, the mother has to open up and hand over control to her body. And all future parents voluntarily jump into a situation that is completely new to them and where they can't control beforehand which challenges they will be confronted with or how that will make them feel. But the wish of having a child is so strong that it seems worth taking the risk.

When it comes to kink, control of course is an important factor, too. As a top, I like the aspect of being in control. Not in a way that I really want to have control over someone who wants to give up responsibilities. But in the way that I like to have control in a setting with a clearly defined framework that was agreed upon beforehand. And with that control I love to provoke reactions, not only reactions to pain, but also – in my intimate play with Ludwig – reactions of arousal.

As a bottom I am a person who openly admits to top from the bottom. I am not interested in letting another person do something to me which I don't enjoy or don't have agreed upon beforehand. That said, both in my more BDSM-centred fantasies as well as in my sexual play with Ludwig, I love the idea of giving up control in certain ways, for instance by being bound. But that's not because I enjoy the feeling of being helpless. Quite the contrary: Being the passive part allows me to completely focus on myself and my own pleasure instead of being in charge of organizing things for myself and others as I usually am.

And what about publishing kinky pictures and videos? As I wrote in my last Kaelah's Corner posts, I had to accept that it is impossible to keep control of what others do with the photos and clips. And I think that I would most probably never have published any kinky pictures of myself if Ludwig hadn't done it before. In the beginning, the only reason I decided to show my face in pictures and videos was because I didn't want to remain Ludwig's faceless girlfriend here on the blog.

Initially, the fact that I couldn't control what others said about or did with my photos and clips scared me. In a way, it made me feel helpless. But I also came to realise how much I enjoyed creating beautiful pictures and bringing to life kinky fantasies. So I became more open over time, despite the lack of complete control.

When I posted a nude picture showing my breast in my last Kaelah's Corner post, an anonymous commenter wrote in a very thoughtful comment: "Did you feel like you were giving up control or more like you were gaining it? In the photo it seems like you are completely at ease and have full control. Maybe ironically when we think we lose control is when we most gain it?"

I think the observation is correct and we often gain more control by accepting to give it up in certain regards. I still have my personal boundaries when it comes to the questions which pictures I publish and I think that is good and important. But accepting that I can't control how others use my photos has made me feel much less helpless and therefore given me more freedom to publish the pictures I like without having to ponder the question what others will think, say or do with them.

And having jumped into the whole adventure in the first place most certainly made me gain more than I could possibly lose through the pictures I've posted. Because the creative process itself and the compliments I have received on the finished photos and clips have made me feel more womanly, sexy and self-confident than I would ever have thought possible. So, I want to take this chance to wholeheartedly thank all of you for that!

How about you? What role does the issue of control play in your life, your kink and your behaviour as a member of the kinky online community? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

Ten Per Cent Is Not Nothing

A few weeks ago, Ludwig and I had a little discussion. We had to pay a bill and the question was who would pay how much of it. As you all know, we are married. But we still haven't thrown all of our money together. Instead, we share the costs for our daily lives and the things we buy depending on what it is. Sometimes it's 50/50 (travel costs, for instance), sometimes only one of us pays (because it's something only one of us uses), sometimes we share costs according to our current respective income (living expenses), and so on.

I suggested that we should share the costs of said bill 50/50. Ludwig suggested a different formula which he considered to be more fair given how much each of us had used what we were paying for. "Hey, you just want to save money!" I jokingly complained. "According to that formula, you'll end up paying far less than half!" Ludwig maintains that I said "you'll end up paying almost nothing", but I disagree. In any case, we didn't discuss the topic in more detail or make a final decision, as we had other things to do. The sum concerned was small and it wasn't such a big issue, anyway.

Ludwig couldn't resist using the situation for a scene, though. A bit later he called me into the bedroom and put me over his knee. As he spanked my bottom, he asked me what the highest number of strokes which I ever got with a cane was. I replied that it was 50. So, he asked me, ten per cent of 50 is how much? I said something about being blonde and not knowing the answer. He didn't buy it and spanked me more. So, I finally answered that the correct tally was five.

Happy with my profound maths skills, Ludwig announced that he would give me five strokes with the cane to show me that "ten per cent is not nothing". I protested that I had never implied that he wanted me to pay the whole bill. I had just said he obviously wanted to pay less than half of it. Quite frankly, I was of the opinion that according to the formula he had suggested, Ludwig would have had to pay more than ten per cent, maybe about twenty. But of course I didn't tell him that, given the situation I found myself in...

I couldn't argue Ludwig out of his plan to cane me, though (surprise!), and so I hesitantly followed his order to fetch a cane after he had let me stand up. There were only unpeeled, crook-handled ones in the wardrobe, and so I took out one of them. It was a thin dragon cane. Big mistake, since I don't like sting! I bent over the bed, still grumpy because it was all so unfair, and Ludwig told me to pull down my pants and knickers.

I did as I was told and Ludwig took aim. With a crack, the first stroke hit the target. I moaned and hissed and bent my knees under the stinging pain. We hadn't played in a long time and I wasn't used to the pain anymore. I told Ludwig that. He didn't seem to mind (which top doesn't enjoy getting some reactions for his hard work, right?). But he gave me time to recover before the next stroke hit my poor bottom. I struggled through that one and the next two, feeling a bit sick from the pain, even though the strokes were only moderately hard.

Ludwig and I talked throughout the caning and he told me that I could be happy to have been given a warm-up. And I was! Still, I mused whether I am not really kinky anymore, or at least not a real bottom. Some years ago the caning would probably have made me horny, which might have made it easier to deal with the pain. That said, I was never really good with the first cane strokes, and moderately hard ones were never much easier to take for me than severe ones.

Anyhow, I had made it through four of the five strokes! Only to be reminded by Ludwig that the last one is always the hardest and that he had been quite nice so far. So I prepared myself for the final stroke which produced a hot burning stripe on my derriere. Again I groaned with pain and struggled to deal with the breathtaking fire on my bottom.

Ludwig really seemed to have enjoyed himself (in contrast to me). Of course he couldn't resist closing the scene by asking me what I had learned today. Well, I might have been beaten, but obviously I wasn't beaten - if you know what I mean. Because despite the risk that came with my answer, I replied: "I've learned that ten per cent of 50 is five!" Ludwig and I both cracked up laughing.
 

"Hey, are there any stripes to see?" I asked. "Yes, indeed!" Ludwig replied. I looked in the mirror and saw five dark red lines on my bottom. Now my kink returned. While I might not enjoy being spanked that much anymore, I still like taking pictures of spanking marks. "Let's take a picture for the blog," I told Ludwig. As I already said, we had lots of other things to do, but Ludwig agreed nonetheless and fetched the camera. Thus I can not only tell you the story of the spanking, but you can see the resulting marks as well.

The marks were visible for a few days, but fortunately not for too long, because I had a doctor's appointment. Well, I suppose I have learned even more from that day. Not only is ten per cent of 50 five, but one should also always be very careful about which cane one chooses - especially when being out of proper practice as a bottom!