Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2015):
From Bottom to Top

As you might have realised from some of my recent posts, it seems that I have developed more of a toppy mindset than when I began to practise erotic spanking. Of course, not every bottom goes through this kind of change, as, for instance, Erica Scott has pointed out eloquently in several of her posts. But it doesn't seem an uncommon development. And I have wondered what drives this kind of change.

When I think back to my first kinky fantasies, I was usually only an observer. I think I identified more with the bottoms than with the tops in my fantasy scenarios, but I still imagined the scene from both points of view.

Later, when I started out trying spanking for real with Ludwig, it was clear to me that I would make my first experiments as a bottom. The idea of being spanked turned me on and I wanted to be guided through the experience. I always used to top a lot from the bottom, as is for instance obvious in our account of our very first scene together. But I also sought the experience of letting myself fall, and that is only possible as a bottom.

Part of my kink is about being accepted and admired for something I do, which is most probably the main reason why I live out my kink so publicly and write a blog. Doing certain scenes (for instance, the more severe ones), made me feel strong and granted me Ludwig's and the audience's admiration. Our first scene wasn't an initiation ritual for no reason, and I very much enjoyed the experience of collecting more and more experiences and becoming an active member of the online spanking community.

I think that having achieved a certain level of experience as a bottom was what finally made it possible for me to also try myself as a top. By then I felt comfortable enough to take over control, which proved to be something that gives me pleasure as well. I had done enough scenes as a bottom, some rather explicitly for Ludwig, thus I felt I could ask something from him in return.

Again, the idea of being trusted enough from someone to be accepted as a top and to be allowed to be in control was an idea that turned me on. That's why it was especially thrilling to have Ludwig switch for me, because he is mostly a top and only switches on rare occasions for people he deeply trusts. Therefore, topping also gave me a feeling of strength and was another role in which I could gain experience, acceptance and maybe even admiration.

Today, I see myself as a real switch. In my intimate sexual play, my fantasies are mostly bottom fantasies, which I think has to do with the fact that these fantasies allow me to be more passive, to let go and focus on my own pleasure. In my more formal fantasies and role-play scenes, I prefer the role of a top now. I like the feeling of power, of being in control and of others trusting me. Playing on both sides can make me feel strong and accepted, especially when it is in public or accounts, pictures or videos of it are posted on our blog.

So I think that the shift from bottom to top has something to do with experience and the feeling of having done enough things on the bottom side to become a trustworthy top who can lead others. In my kinky and my vanilla fantasies, the main characters also usually make that development from student to teacher, cadet to instructor or the like.

Maybe the shift also has to do with the fact that pain doesn't really turn me on anymore and that I therefore don't seek it out often in my kinky play nowadays. That's a topic I want to cover in a separate post, though. For today, I would love to hear your experiences with changing (or not changing) preferences and roles in your kinky play. For those who switched from the bottom role more into the top role: Do you have any explanation for that shift? I would love to hear about your thoughts in the comment section!


Simon said...

I appear to have done the reverse journey to you. I was at school when I first realised that I enjoyed spanking. At that time and for many years after my fantasies exclusively revolved around me giving the spankings etc. And when I eventually found ladies willing to be spanked I was always the top. However at about the age of 25 I realised that although I enjoyed spanking and caning ladies there was something missing. I started to experiment with being on the receiving end and found that more satisfying. For a while I did both and had a lot of fun doing so but I soon worked out that I was far happier on the receiving end. For the last twenty odd years I have been almost exclusively a bottom although recently I have rediscovered the joy of spanking an attractive bottom. Throughout this time my fantasies have involved me both as a top and a bottom. I think that being a bottom has made me a more considerate top, having experience of the various implements and situations has made me more aware of the ladies feelings and I hope I understand better what they're getting out of the situation. I know there are people who only top but I feel that they are missing out. I think part of the reason I have been able to bottom or top is that the power exchange has never been a big part of my real life spanking adventures. Whether giving or receiving I don't see myself either as in charge or subjugated I'm just having or giving a spanking.

Gustofur said...

Once again you have posted an intellectually challenging blog. Did you minor in psychology? I think a reader always looks to topics they can personally relate to. You usually satisfy that criteria for me. Based on this post, I would like you to explain again why you are planning to close down your blog. It seem to me you could satisfy a personal need by continuing to blog even if it is not on the kinky topic. I, by the way, was a top for many, many years before I realized switching was also stimulating.

Svetlana said...

On a practical level, I have mostly sticked to the receiving end. In fact, the only occasions when I got to act as a top lacked the typical top/bottom dynamic because they were either purely technical (to see how it's done) or in the context of spanking games where rules and luck rather than a predefined role would decide what end of the stick you'd get.

As an observer, I always identify emotionally with the spankee. Of course, I have often imagined how it feels and looks like for the top, but that is more a matter of curiosity ... and maybe of "knowing thine enemy" :). On the other hand, I have always been impressed by how much empathy good spankers have for their charges regardless of whether they show it during the action itself.

Even without any personal "topping" experience, I have often thought about the journey from "top" to "bottom" in my more elaborate fantasies. They often feature spankers who went through the same regime not that long ago: young teachers and coaches as well as "big sisters" in American sororities or "prefects" in British boarding schools come to mind. It must be a fascinating experience and I recognize a number of elements familiar from those fantasies in what your write about the shift in the reality of your kinky experience.

Kaelah said...

@ Simon:
Thanks for sharing your experiences! I agree with your observation that bottoming can help us to become more considerate tops. Of course that doesn't mean that "pure" tops are per se less considerate, but I have to admit that I prefer to play with tops who have experiences with being on the receiving end of spanking. Ludwig, for instance, made his first experiences as a bottom, even though he knew that he was a top. He didn't want to spank another person without knowing how it feels like. For the very same reason I tried out a birch on him today (not that I enjoyed it or did it because my inner sadist told me to ;-) ).

@ Gustofur:
Thank you for your kind comment! I have to admit that it gets more difficult for me to find interesting topics which I want to discuss here on the blog. Plus, blogging costs a lot of time which I don't have for my other hobbies and responsibilities. That's the main reason why I want to quit (at least for some time, one never knows what time brings). It's interesting to see that with you and Simon there are already two commenters who started out as tops and encountered the fun of being on the receiving end later!

@ Svetlana:
I very much enjoy fantasies which involve the element which you describe in your comment! Actually, in most of my fantasies the characters are supposed to change from the bottom side to the top side over time. For instance, the captain of a ship once was a cadet himself and the cadet whom he is in charge of today is supposed to take a leading role some time in the future. My fantasies often involve flashbacks of the tops in which they remember how they were in similar situations as their protégés are now. So maybe it is not such a huge surprise that I have experienced such a development myself in my kinky play.