Kaelah's Corner (Feb 2012): Dachshund Calling

Monday, shortly after 7.30 pm. The same routine as every second day at the times when we are parted: I pick up the phone to ring my mate. When Ludwig answers the call, chewing sounds confirm to me that I got him in the midst of dinner. We decide to delay the phone call for about twenty minutes.

A few minutes to 8.00 pm. I ring Ludwig again. This time my voice echoing from the walls tells him that I have run myself a bath in the meantime and am now enjoying the hot water. I often take a bubble bath while we are chatting on the phone, so Ludwig is used to that.

We talk about what we have both done during the last two days and of course the conversation also turns to the blogging news. I admit to Ludwig that I am feeling a little burned out when it comes to blogging, and that I don't really know what to write about for this month's edition of Kaelah's Corner. Our stats have dropped in the last weeks, and I have become aware that they probably won't get any higher if I continue to mainly write about the things that interest me. Philosophical ramblings, x/M fantasies and posts that feature pictures of different gender constellations simply don't get Chrossed or mentioned on one of the other big spanking blogs. Still, I will stick with my approach, but of course I would like to attract some readers as well. I guess I will just continue with trying to make my posting a good mixture of the different things I'm interested in. Those who don't like variety won't come over at all, others might only be peeking in from time to time, but at least the regular readers will share some similar interests with Ludwig and me.

Meanwhile it is some time after 9.00 pm. My bath has become cold and I decide to get out, still chatting with Ludwig as I do so. Then I settle snugly in my bed and the conversation can continue. The theme of earning forgiveness brings us to religious history and the question how to treat oneself and others. I think I'm going to write a rambling about that topic here on the blog one day. Since I am 1) an atheist and 2) critical of one-sided domestic discipline relationships among spankos, that will probably offend some people. Not good for the statistic, either.

I tell Ludwig how much I enjoyed having him so often in top mood when we were together last time. Obviously, switching brings out the top in him. Good to know! Still, I realise that I am quite shy about even very playful bratting. Ludwig likes to play rather hard, anyway, which makes me a bit cautious about bringing him into full top mode. He is quite pleased to hear that. Ludwig's conclusion: Obviously, his aura of authority keeps his girlfriend behaved. I joke that we seem to have quite an effective DD relationship. It even goes without the need of any discipline, DD without D, so to speak.

Thinking about it honestly, though, it comes to me that I am also very afraid of upsetting someone I love. Knowing that Ludwig isn't so much into extensive bratting, I always try not to push things too far. Even when Ludwig caned me for having animated others to mock him with my Reunited post, I was scared for a little moment that I might really have hurt him. Ludwig's answer: "It's interesting that you are so shy about upsetting me with bratting. In our conversations you get on my nerves with your cantankerousness all the time, and you don't care the least! And yet you claim to have a problem with intentional bratting?" Then he cracks up laughing while I do my best to make clear that he has just offended one poor little dachshund with that comment. Sometimes I really have the feeling that he doesn't take me seriously. Although Ludwig pretends to take me dead seriously of course. Well, I will get better at mocking. If needed, I will take lessons, for example from Erica Scott or Kami Robertson.

Our conversation turns from private play to film-making ideas. Ludwig's ideas for collaborative art work all seem to be manageable. They are mostly with British producers and with (female) British models. I also throw in a few names of fellow kinksters with whom I would like to get together. Alas, the chances for me to meet the two male spanking porn actors whom I would be most curious about are almost zero. One of them is Chase, a very handsome model of Spanking Central. And the other one is the main spanker from Her First Punishment. It's the guy who in my opinion looks a bit like a bulldog and who doesn't mind delivering the silliest lines you have ever heard in spanking videos, as you can read in Ludwig's review. He is a very accurate spanker, though, and I would love to find out whether he really is the big teddy bear I suspect him to be when the cameras are off.

Instead, we talk about Ludwig's plan for switching in front of the camera. He tells me about a plot idea, involving him, me and two female models. As usual in discussions like that, I start lamenting to make sure that Ludwig remembers to put me in a role that suits me and which allows me to get the biggest share of him. Yes, I am a jealous person. After all, I am a dachshund. I also remind Ludwig that we had planned another scene involving just the two of us and featuring a very severe caning administered by me. Definitely more severe than anything Ludwig has done before on camera, after all I can't accept that a severity freak like him has made his most severe on-camera scene as a bottom with another woman! I guess you got it – I'm not only annoying and jealous, I'm also very demanding. Luckily, Ludwig enjoys that demanding streak when it comes to switching. He only likes to bottom for a top who is clearly keen to make a certain scene. Well, that shouldn't be any problem!

We talk about me bottoming for another severe caning as well. I thought about asking one of the big film producers whether they would like me as a bottom for one of their films. Ludwig doesn't think that this is such a good idea, though. He would prefer to do a private scene which would allow us to have full control of the storyline, cameras and the editing. Plus, we could publish the clip for free and everyone would be able to watch it. It is funny, how much Ludwig's preferences have changed regarding these things. So, we talk about ideas for a private clip instead. I come up with a uniform scenario but Ludwig makes a different suggestion: “I would like the clip to be a bit more erotic, with you wearing a beautiful dress.” Before I strip it off, of course! An erotic setting is an idea which never crossed my mind in the context of a severe scene. We don't get to discuss it any further, though, because suddenly the phone call is cut off. And somehow I can't get through to Ludwig when I try to call again.

It turns out that it is about 2 am, anyway! So, we should better keep it short and just quickly finish the topic we were talking about. I use the break to brush me teeth and think about Ludwig's suggestion. Then I try it again and manage to get through (apparently, it was just a brief problem with the phone network). I tell Ludwig that I like his idea very much indeed! After the experiment which will hopefully be ready for publishing in a few weeks, and the formal caning scenario for Dreams Of Spanking which will also be published some time this year, an erotic scenario between the two of us as a couple would be something completely different. So, we let our imaginations run wild, creating mental images of how the scene might look like.

And then the conversation drifts off to other topics again. To Nirvana and Kurt Cobain's opinions about fame vs making art and equality between men and women, for example. Suddenly it is about 4 am. Unusually, it is me who makes the suggestion to end the phone call and go to bed. Normally Ludwig is the one who needs a break first, after several hours of talk. It takes me until about 5 am before I finally fall asleep. For some strange reason, I am a bit tired and exhausted on Tuesday. But I have got many new ideas on my mind! And something to write about for Kaelah's Corner...

At the Circus (Part 3): Naughty Petgirl Attack

This is the third and final part of my trilogy about our adventures at the SM Circus Sands. And this one is actually accompanied by a preview clip which you can find at the bottom of this post. After having seen a live show at the Circus for the very first time at their fifth anniversary, Ludwig and I were back at the Circus to accompany Pandora Blake for a shoot with them in August last year. I already wrote about the unexpected wonderful opportunity I was offered that day – to operate one of the cameras for the shoot!

But that wasn't all. Ludwig had already done two cameos for the Circus. In the first one he lost Amelia-Jane Rutherford in a game of gambling. In the second one he brought Pandora to the Circus as his petgirl whom he wanted to be trained by Direktor Sands. Since I liked the relaxed and friendly atmosphere at the Circus, I offered to be part of a little scene myself this time. My idea was that Ludwig and I could bring Pandora back to be trained at the Circus again, and that I could ask Direktor Sands for a little demonstration of his training methods on myself, in order to know whether our petgirl was in capable hands.

Herr Direktor Sands liked the idea of including me in a scene, but he came up with a completely different scenario. How about if I looked after the petgirls for a while, but they went riot on me and escaped and I was spanked by the Direktor for not paying enough attention? Now, everyone who knows my kink a bit is surely aware that this wasn't exactly my dream scenario. Being overpowered by someone isn't really my cup of tea, and being punished for incompetence afterwards wasn't a thrilling prospect, either. I openly told Herr Direktor Sands, and of course he accepted my limits.

But there was one picture that stuck in my mind and which I somehow found very intriguing and hilarious. It was the idea of Ludwig and Herr Direktor Sands leaving the scene with the two petgirls being inside their cage and me looking after them and then the two of them coming back later only to find me trapped in the cage and the petgirls gone. So I thought of a way to change the scenario a bit, so that it would be within my boundaries.

Now, I have a thing for playing nice but slightly naïve characters. People who don't expect others to be a menace. And so I came up with a modified idea which we finally used for the scene:

Ludwig and I came to meet Direktor Sands and to look after our Petgirl Pandora. The two men decided to have a beer at the local pub. Since I'm (almost) a tea totaler, I agreed to stay behind and look after the petgirls, since the lock of their cage was defect. After Direktor Sands and Ludwig had left, I went over to the cage to pet Pandora, being convinced that both she and Jane were sweet and harmless.

But suddenly Pandora grabbed my scarf which was hanging into the cage and held me down while Jane escaped. And then the naughty petgirls tied me down with my own scarf, spanked me, threw their pet toys around and tried to make me bite into their dog play bone, with me cursing all the while and telling them to stop and behave decently. I was especially annoyed with Pandora, my own petgirl, for being so ungrateful. It basically all came down to the pet-owner's equivalent of the parental "As long as you put your feet under my table and live from my money..." talk. Finally, the two petgirls stuffed me into the cage and ran away.

When Direktor Sands and Ludwig came back, instead of the petgirls they found me in the cage, looking a bit dishevelled. They released me and caught Jane and Pandora. I told them what had happened and Direktor Sands was very embarrassed that such a riot had taken place at his Circus. And so, the two naughty petgirls were punished with the glove and the flogger while Ludwig and I were watching.

As you can imagine, being forced to submit to others still is a scenario that doesn't fit to my normal fantasies. But with Pandora and Jane and in the innocent petplay environment of the SM Circus, I felt so safe that I didn't want to miss out on the chance to create such a funny action clip. We actually had to ask Jane first whether she was okay with topping me because she is much more comfortable as a bottom. Pandora offered to do the spanking (selfless as she is), but in the end it showed that there was no need to worry. Indeed, Pandora and Jane made for a very sadistic and vicious yet playful couple of petgirls. And Jane didn't seem to be cautious or uncomfortable as a top at all, once she had gotten into the scene!

Like I had expected, the whole scene was very light-hearted and fun, although Pandora and Jane didn't hold back when it came to the action. I think this might be the first time in the history of spanking videos that someone got a spanking because of NOT drinking alcohol! The punishments dished out by Direktor Sands were administered with verve, too. In fact he had to take smaller breaks to wipe off the sweat from his forehead, so much did he get into swinging the flogger.

For a moment, I thought about offering to lend a helping hand, but I was reluctant because I wasn't sure whether it would have been okay for the Direktor, for Pandora and for Jane. And I hadn't practised with the kind of flogger that was used, so I had not idea whether I could administer it elegantly and accurately. Later it turned out that Pandora had indeed expected me to take over and that Direktor Sands would have been fine with it, too. Well, there is always a next time...

I got another interesting feedback from Direktor Sands: During Pandora's spanking I had encouraged him much more to be strict than when it was Jane's turn. Herr Direktor's explanation for that was that I know Pandora better and probably felt more comfortable to set her up for a harsher punishment. Jane is tough, though, and I had seen her taking hard spankings during her interrogation at the anniversary show. So I knew there was no need to be soft on her. While there might be some truth in that I know Pandora better, I realized that there was another reason for the difference I made. In my mindset, Pandora was our pet. So of course I had to make sure that she wouldn't ever do anything like that to me again! Jane on the other hand was Direktor Sand's petgirl. And therefore, in my eyes she was his responsibility.

The most shocking (in a hilarious, funny way) feedback came from Ludwig, though. Like Direktor Sands, who very much enjoyed the wild action during our scene and the contrast it made compared to their usual routine, Ludwig liked the fighting scenario between the petgirls and me. Afterwards he told me: "It was so funny that you went into dachshund mode as well." - "Huh?" - "Yes, all the dachshund sounds you made during the fight, that was hilarious!" - "The what???" - "You made your typical dachshund grunts during the fight", Ludwig explained to me, "I really thought you did that on purpose." No, I hadn't done it on purpose. I simply start growling like a dachshund every time I fight! You can hear it for yourselves. There is one of the grunts (unfortunately a rather quiet one, they got more and louder over time) in the preview clip, at about 1:23.

Have fun watching! You can get a full screen view by clicking on the symbol with the four arrows on the bottom of the frame. Many thanks to Direktor Sands for providing the preview clip.

Reunited

Ludwig and I have been reunited during the past days, and made up for the time of being separated with lots of cuddling and kinky play. So far, the score adds up to numerous swats with the hand, a hairbrush spanking and 42 cane strokes – 30 for me and 12 for the mad king himself. We also didn't forget you, the readers, and recorded three spankings on video. I won't tell you any more about those clips, though, because they are parts of a series that will most probably start in the second half of the year.

There were two other memorable spanking scenes, though. The first one was a "get-the-endorphins-flowing" spanking in the morning. I have been a tad moody in the recent weeks and tend to feel a bit sad at times, especially in the mornings and in the evenings. I told Ludwig about it, after we had taken a cosy morning bath. His cure: He made me bend over the bath tub and gave me a good spanking with my hairbrush. My skin was still soft from the bath and the oil which I had used afterwards. So the hairbrush produced a lot of sting, making me squirm and wriggle. Ludwig obviously enjoyed the sight. He was kind enough to finish the procedure with a hand spanking, though, leaving my bottom glowing in an even shade of red. "So, this should help to make it easier for you to start the day", Ludwig declared. And he was right!

I longed for some more spanking action later that day, though. Ludwig and I were sitting on the couch, chatting. Somehow the topic of our conversation turned to the fear of being left by the other. "Don't worry, I won't leave you", I reassured Ludwig. And, patting his belly, I added: "Especially not now that you are pregnant." Now, as you all know, Ludwig doesn't have a big belly. But sometimes it looks a little round, depending on his posture. And Ludwig hates it when his belly shows. Consequently, my comment caused Ludwig to lead me to the bedroom, where he took down my trousers and panties. "You must learn to be more respectful!" he told me in a firm voice. "To the unborn life, you mean?" I replied. That question got me six hard cane strokes with an unpeeled rattan cane that made me dance around on tiptoes. I have to admit that despite of the pain it was wonderful to have Ludwig in top mode. And the scene ended with some extended cuddling. What could be better?

Yesterday, we had our belated Valentine's Day celebration. After a relaxing bath, a nice little walk and a tasty breakfast, we took some time to relax. There was no CP involved this time, but I gave Ludwig a back and leg massage and he made sure that I became relaxed as well. In the evening, we went to a wonderful Italian restaurant for a three course dinner. And then, for the very first time, we went to the cinema together. It's hard to believe, especially since Ludwig is such a film buff, but it took us three years to watch a movie together in a real cinema. We didn't chose a recent film, though. Instead we watched one of Ludwig's all-time favourites which I hadn't seen before. Actually, I wasn't sure whether I would like it. But it turned out that I found it great as well. I even thought about referring to it in a kinky clip. You want to know which film we watched? Well, it won several Oscars and it is centred around two main characters – a middled-aged man and a young woman. It's a film about craving, trust and pain – just the right mixture for a Valentine's Day celebration. Okay, at least for some people. Care guessing which film it is?

And, finally, today is the anniversary of Ludwig's and my first-ever play together! Which means that my introduction into the world of erotic adult CP was already three years ago. I got spanked today as well, twelve strokes of the dragon cane, with both Ludwig and I being properly dressed-up. The evening will most probably be rather quiet, though, since we will have to part again tomorrow. But I don't want to think about that now. And I'm sure there will be a lot more cuddling this evening, before I'm going to be all on my own again.

Strength

(Not exactly the kind of strength I'm striving for.)

I've been thinking a lot about the topic of strength lately and what being a strong person means to me. The people I admire the most for being strong characters aren't those who demonstrate their power or intellectual superiority over others. In my opinion, the strongest people are those who know about their strengths (and their weaknesses) and who are at peace with themselves and therefore don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. I think one recognizes those people from their behaviour and attitude. They have clear opinions and can support them with good arguments, they like to exchange ideas and to learn new things, but at the same time they don't feel the urge to convince others that their opinion is the right one, and they can accept others as they are. I know a few people who come close to that ideal.

I aspire to become like that, too, but I'm definitely still very far away from it. That made me think about what self-confidence and inner peace or the lack thereof can mean in the context of kink. In my opinion, living out my kinky fantasies and being a part of the kinky online community have both increased my self-confidence and given me strength. But from time to time, kinky activities also remind me of my insecurities. I sometimes become aware of them when I'm thinking of kinky play, when I'm reading blogs or when I'm looking at the Scene as a peer group environment.

(That's more like it: a beautiful place to find inner peace and balance.)

I am a very competitive person, which isn't a bad trait per se. But I know that it can also sometimes drive me too far. In my opinion, there can be quite a competition between bottoms at times, to take harder spankings or to play out more edgy scenarios. Pushing one's limits from time to time and showing off a bit in front of others is of course okay, but there is always a certain risk of going too far. I know that with my brave girl kink I am in danger of falling into that trap. That's why I always think twice before taking part in any play that might push my boundaries and make sure that I don't get myself into any competitive situations when it comes to spanking play.

There are also times when I sense a certain lack of self-confidence in tops. I haven't experienced that in any real life play, but it is a feeling I sometimes get when watching spanking clips. With some tops, I have got the feeling that they try to improve their self-confidence by showing how tough, merciless and cool they are. As with bottoms, a bit of showing off is of course absolutely okay. But if I have the feeling that a top wants to make a mark as a strong guy or woman at the expense of the bottom he or she is topping, that really scares me off.

As a reader of blogs and a member of the spanking Scene, I sometimes feel my own insecurities as well. While I have developed a good self-confidence in many areas of life, two fields on which I am still quite insecure are peer groups and femininity. When it comes to women in general, and female bottoms in particular, submission and vulnerability often seem to play an important role on spanking blogs, and they seem to attract many readers. Now, I always was the geeky type and I'm definitely neither submissive nor am I looking for a man who picks me up when I'm feeling vulnerable. Of course, I expect the latter from Ludwig in our relationship, but as something mutual. And I know that Ludwig neither wants a submissive woman, nor a woman who is permanently soft and vulnerable. Still, I sometimes feel threatened by all the writing about submission and vulnerability because it makes me scared that as a woman who doesn't fulfil these requirements, I might not be attractive or feminine enough.

(Amelia-Jane Rutherford - feminine, gracious and intelligent:

an impressive combination. Picture courtesy of Restrained Elegance.)

It's the same with body sizes. While publishing pictures of myself has made me much more self-confident about my appearance than I was before, I still tend to get scared by all the photos of beautiful women which I come across when surfing spanking blogs. My own body figure doesn't quite match my personal preferences and that can make me feel a bit insecure at times. Again, I have a clear idea of how I would like to handle things, it just doesn't always work that way. As I wrote a while ago on Pandora's blog:

I’ve got a preference for small, round bottoms, slim figures and slender legs. But my own figure is different. My hips are much broader than my waist, my bottom is bigger and not really round and (like many women) I’m suffering from cellulitis on my legs. The thing is, I could starve myself to death and it wouldn’t change a thing about my waist to hip ratio or the cellulitis.

For me the key is to stay true to myself, in several ways. First, I don’t deny my own preferences and I don’t try to change them forcibly. They are there and I think that’s okay. When I’m taking pictures or making clips, I try to present myself in a position that makes my body look beautiful in my own eyes and a light that reduces the visibility of the cellulitis, because I feel sexier then. And in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that, either, especially because the pictures make me feel good about my body.

At the same time I try to take good care of my body (without obsessing about the parts I’m not so happy with) and to feel happy the way I am. And I am aware that others have very different preferences. Ludwig, for example, likes my waist to hip ratio and he doesn’t care about the cellulitis at all. For him, I am beautiful the way I am, and it is wonderful to know that. 

Now I just wished that the knowledge of this would take away the self-doubt completely, so that I could watch spanking pics without comparing myself to other women and being scared if I find them more attractive. I assume that comparing oneself to others is a streak that is very inherent to human beings, though, so I doubt that I will ever get completely rid of that. But maybe I will become more relaxed about the fact that there are other women whom I find more beautiful than myself.

(A scene I would love to witness at a play event. 
Picture courtesy of Spanking Central.)

The third and last aspect which makes me think about my inner strength or lack thereof is the Scene as a peer group. I often felt unwell in peer group environments, especially among women. In the spanking scene, though, I now have met many people, among them maybe even more women than men, whom I like very much and whom I feel close to. But again sometimes my insecurity shows. It often happens when I read about big play events. Sometimes I would like to join in because I like the people involved and would like to share time and happy experiences with them.

But then, my kinky fantasies (and my limits) usually don't really fit. I'm not very fond of school play, and when I think about the three things I would like to do the most, it comes down to: watching M/M scenes, bottoming to Ludwig (I'm very picky when it comes to being topped) and topping men. These preferences simply don't really fit to the action at most of the big play events I have heard of. And that sometimes causes me to feel insecure and a bit sad because it makes me think that I don't fit well enough to be a "real" part of the peer group. Then again, there are times when not fitting to the mainstream is absolutely okay for me and when I even embrace my being different and marvel at the fact that I have found a partner who shares many of my unusual interests and preferences.

How about you? What kind of strength are you striving for? Have you come across examples of strong, well rounded people whom you admire? Have you made experiences with insecurities in kinky play? And what does blog reading do for you? Does it always provide you with joyful thought- and fantasy-fodder? Or does reading about how others live and what they do sometimes also raise self-doubts? I'm curious to read about your experiences. Please feel free to share them in the comment section!

Valentine's Day Sucks (Without You)

Today is Valentine's Day, and I am all alone without my beloved Domcat Ludwig. For years I couldn't celebrate Valentine's Day because I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. Now I have found my mate, but I'm still alone on Valentine's Day. Dachshunds don't like being alone, you know. Going for a walk alone is boring! Even more so, because there is no one who wants to join in the game with that funny stick. Playing alone doesn't bring any fun.

Luckily it won't take too long until Ludwig and I are going to be reunited. Then I will be happily wagging my tail again. And maybe we will have a belated Valentine's Day celebration?! No, not with chocolate and all that commercial stuff. Chocolate isn't good for little doggies, anyway. But maybe we will play a bit with that stick? Or maybe Ludwig will just use his beautiful paws? Is it allowed to dream of a blindfold? Well, it's not so important, as long as we are going to be side by side again.

A Happy Valentine's Day to all of you who are lucky enough to celebrate this day with their beloved one(s). And a big hug to all those who like me have to wait until they can be with their mate again. The most important greetings, though, go to those who are still looking for or maybe had once already found Mr or Mrs Right. No matter how our reality looks like, dreaming is always allowed! So, why not dream a bit? How would your perfect kinky Valentine's Day look like?

Psychic Interrogation

The second clip from Ludwig's and my shoot with Pandora Blake has been released on Dreams of Spanking! In time with it, here is our behind-the-scenes report on the shoot of that particular scene which is called Psychic Weapon 'C'. Ludwig and I decided to both present our memories in one single post. Ludwig's comments are printed in bold letters.

Pandora had come up with the storyline for this dark interrogation scenario which didn't only feature the three of us but Thomas Cameron as well: Pandora played an investigator by the name of Officer Julia Danby who works for a special governmental agency and is on a hot trail of an international conspiracy led by terrorists with psychic powers. One of them is a dangerous man called "The Cuckoo" (played by Thomas Cameron). She is just looking through his file in her office when she is suddenly attacked from behind, blindfolded and thrown to her knees. Once the blindfold is lifted, the shocked Officer finds out that her captor is none other than "The Cuckoo" himself and that the ones holding her down are his two taciturn and ruthless goons. When she is restrained and beaten by the Cuckoo's cruel minions, Officer Danby tries to remain stoic and in control at first. But she has no idea how strong the Cuckoo's psychic powers really are and what it is he is after...

[If you are a geek like me, with a love for science fiction / mystery series, you probably already noticed that the scene is inspired by Fringe. I don't usually pay attention to what is on TV, but Fringe is one of the very few TV series I have ever followed. Actually, I had just recently discovered it when Pandora, Kaelah and I were exchanging brainstorming emails about what to do at our upcoming shoot together. So it was kind of funny when Pandora brought up the idea of doing a Fringe-themed clip. Do I know the series, she asked? Absolutely, and I was all excited about the prospect. Kaelah did not know Fringe, but she liked the idea of playing a goon-type character, and she had other, no less fitting associations in mind...]

When Pandora told us about the storyline, the first thing that came to my mind were some pictures inspired by Men in Black. Three dark figures, appearing from nowhere, doing their job swiftly and without any mercy, before finally disappearing into the shadows as quickly as they had turned up. The only possible problem which I told Ludwig the evening before the shoot was: "Don't you think it's a bit weird that the two of us as Germans are supposed to play cruel goons who assault a British investigator?" - "We are not Germans, we are just some goons", Ludwig answered, "and this is not an idea to make fun of."

The next day, Tom came up with a suggestion: "How about you two guys speaking German? Different languages make the scene more interesting and edgy, because this way Pandora's character won't be able to understand what her captivators are talking about." I laid back and waited for Ludwig to reply. And he did: "Great idea! It also looks much more like a big international conspiracy then." As you can imagine, I was mildly irritated by this reply, okay, actually I was completely stunned. Ludwig grinned and told me that he found the idea much better now, since it had been Tom's suggestion this time. With a boyfriend like that you really don't need any enemies. Joking aside, actually I think that Ludwig was really attracted by this international thing, especially because Tom as our leader was supposed to be a native speaker of English who nonetheless instructed his goons in German.

[The main reason why I had been hesitant about making Kaelah's and my character explicitly German was a worry that doing so, and having two German-speaking henchmen attack the fair English maiden, might elicit too much of an "ugly German" stereotype with the more xenophobic viewers. The British tabloids are already printing enough nonsense about how the bloody Germans are still planning to conquer Europe, I thought, so let's just leave the characters nationality non-descript. With hindsight, it was an exaggerated worry. I mean, who takes the tabloids seriously, anyway? Probably not the people who subscribe to Pandora's site...]

[When Tom came up with his suggestion, I liked the idea that the three of us - Tom, Kaelah and me - would be communicating in German.  Not only would it add to the confusion for Pandora's character, it also instantly, and in a simple yet effective way, created the notion of a menacing, international conspiracy. Here is Pandora's character, getting assaulted by three figures. The leader is obviously an Englishman, but he has two German henchmen with him. In the context of a Fringe-inspired scene, I find that a lot more interesting than three assailants with the same background.]

We did some rehearsals of the scene beforehand, so that everyone would know where to stand and what to do during the actual shoot. Pandora, who had just directed my severe caning which we had filmed earlier that day, found out that it was really challenging to switch from director mode into bottom mode, especially given the edginess of the scene. She asked for a short break after a little misunderstanding between Ludwig and her, in order to get into the right mindset for the scene. When we continued, we decided that it was better to do the scene a bit less rough than we had initially planned to make sure that Pandora had a chance to get into the scene step by step. Since this was the first time for me to top anyone else than Ludwig, I probably was a bit over-cautious from that point on. I definitely didn't want to give Pandora any negative experience, so I was always a bit hesitant and only shifted up a gear when I felt that Pandora was ready for it.

[Before we started, Pandora told me that she wanted the initial struggle with Kaelah and me to be "really physical". What I missed, however, was her request to merely simulate the struggle while we were practicing the scene ahead of the filming. Among all the other stuff we were talking about, that detail escaped my attention. So, during the practice run, I already handled Pandora in a rather physical way, at a time when she was not expecting it yet. I felt sorry for the misunderstanding and apologised to Pandora, but she said no hard feelings, these things can happen. The downside of it all was that, once we got around to actually filming the scene, Kaelah and I were probably a bit over-cautious. It is difficult to find exactly the right spot between being too brutal and too fake in a physical struggle, especially when playing / filming with someone for only the second or third time.] 

I assume that I look a bit comical in the role of the evil goon, anyway, given my stature, but I think my slightly cautious behaviour might probably have added some comical effect as well. The same goes for the implements Ludwig and I were wielding. That huge paddle and the big cane are really frightening, but at the same time they are so huge that in my eyes they almost have a parodying touch to them, especially in the hands of a small female goon with high heels. And last but not least, there was another little aspect which isn't visible in the clip, but which made it a bit hard for me to take my own character dead seriously. Since my face is so small, I can't wear adults' glasses. So, the pair of sun glasses I wore was made for kids and had a cute Pirates of the Caribbean emblem on its side. All that gave me the feeling of being a comic villain rather than a real goon. Which I think isn't a bad thing, though, because I like the mixture of edginess and comic.

My headspace during the filming itself was ambiguous as well, in a very fascinating way. One part of me was focussed on getting everything right for the camera and making sure that Pandora was safe and feeling okay. The other part, though, very much enjoyed the freedom of being someone who obeyed orders without scruple, not bothered with any hindering emotions. I was just doing my job, swiftly and efficiently. Hey, I didn't even have a name! When we had discussed about the languages, I had already realised that I didn't have much intention to talk at all. And that's exactly how it was during the scene. The mindset of silently following orders proved to be a very peaceful one. Maybe because it was so different from my normal being (and definitely something I wouldn't want to do for real). But knowing that in reality this was Pandora's fantasy and that there was another part of me which constantly watched for her well-being, experimenting with silence and lack of emotion was indeed a very fascinating and strangely liberating experience.

In my opinion, the result is a rather edgy and cool clip. For me, Pandora's storyline is definitely much more interesting and creative than most of the scenarios which you find in other spanking clips. But you can see for yourself. Here is the preview clip for you to watch. Enjoy!

For those of you who want to read even more about the shoot, Pandora has published a post on her site as well, which you can find here.

Consent At Spanking Parties

Yesterday I read a very well-written post published by Adele Haze about the topic of safewords. She linked to two articles which touched an even more disturbing topic – (real) rape in kinky play. I would like to write down a few thoughts on safety issues, dangers in kinky play and safewords as well, because I think those are very important topics which should be widely discussed in our community. I will need some time to think these things through, though.

But there is a related topic about which I meant to write for a while, so I am starting off with this one. It was brought up by a very thoughtful post written by Paul At North Gare titled Grounding Consent. It was about the more informal style of giving consent in the spanking community compared to the usually more formally negotiated consent in the BDSM world. Paul gave an example of such an informal negotiation process finally leading to a consensual spanking:

Person #1: *pours water on Person #2* [Hello! I'd like it if you spanked me! Is that okay?]
Person #2: “Do that again, miss, and there’ll be trouble.” [That would be fine, but I'd like to confirm I have your consent.]
Person #1: *pours more water* [This is confirmation that I want you to spank me, and am giving my consent.]
Person #2: “Come here!” [Your consent has been received!]
Person #1: “Ouch! I’m being spanked by you!”
Person #2: “I’m spanking you!”

The main problem of this approach, in Paul's view, is that there is a negotiation about the consent to play through this form of flirting, but what is missing is the negotiation about the consent for the flirting itself. As he puts it: "The surface form of flirting carries embedded within it a request for consent, a giving of consent, and an acknowlegement that consent has been agreed. That approach can work, and often does […] but I find I’m not drawn to it. I like the clarity and honesty of clear consent. […] In order to feel free to flirt — never mind to play — I want to know that such flirting is consented to, and what the ground rules are."

I completely agree with Paul in that I prefer to have the explicit consent of someone I want to play with, as well as clearly negotiated ground rules. Of course Ludwig sometimes spanks me spontaneously and I love that, but with others whom I don't know so well I prefer to have a clear idea of what is about to come and about their ideas and limits for a scene. When I read Paul's post it occurred to me that the way consent for spankings is often given at spanking parties even involves a second problem. One that often makes me feel a bit insecure at meetings with other spankos and spanking parties.

The thing is that I love a bit of banter, especially with people I like. In vanilla environments this isn’t a problem. My friends know me and they know that the comments I make are just good fun. But in kinky environments I am sometimes afraid that a spontaneous, teasing comment could be misinterpreted as a flirt and a play request. Since I’m often not in the mood for playing with others (especially people whom I don’t know very well), that sometimes gives me the feeling that it is better to contain and strictly control myself in kinky environments due to their flirting rules, in order to avoid any misinterpretation.

Of course I can tell people in advance that I don't want to play. But, first of all, that means I'm depriving myself of the chance to join in spontaneously if I develop the right mood for it later. And secondly, I still wouldn't be sure whether banter might be considered to be an unfair way of flirting without any real outcome for the others involved.

I would love to hear about your experiences with play events. Do you like explicit negotiations about consent and limits in advance or do you prefer the way of flirting? What kind of experiences have you made with different forms of asking for consent and establishing rules? Did you always have the feeling that your play partner had clearly given his or her consent? And did others always know whether you had given consent to them and to which extend? You are very welcome to join the discussion.

At the Circus (Part 2): The Dachshund Perspective

(The sponge contest. Pandora and Jane put on a hard fight.)

After having visited the SM Circus Sands for the first time for their anniversary show in 2010, I was back together with Ludwig in August last year. Pandora Blake had come to Germany for a shoot with the Circus and an interview at the BDSM Tag (BDSM Day) hosted by the German non-profit organisation Bundesvereinigung Sadomasochismus e.V. BVSM (Federal Association Sadomasochism). Ludwig was Pandora's interviewer (you can watch the interview here), and we both accompanied her to the shoot as well.

Pandora was not the only petgirl for the show, though. Her partner in crime was Petgirl Jane, the creative, tough and naughty spirit whom I already introduced in my post about the anniversary show. I expected to be sitting somewhere in the background and watching the shoot in silence for most of the time, except for maybe a little cameo.

(Petgirl Jane doing the limbo.)

I was wrong. Before we started, Direktor Sands suddenly asked me whether I would like to operate one of the cameras. And I'm not talking about one of these small camcorders which Ludwig and I use for our private shoots. This was a big professional camera! I told him that I would love to do it but that I wasn't sure whether I was good enough because I'm not a trained camerawoman. Direktor Sands told me not to worry, my camera was just an extra one in addition to the two static cameras which had already been put up and the camera that was operated by their professional cameraman.

I got a short introduction to the handling of the camera and was told in which area I could move freely without getting into the shots of the other cameras. And so "Camera Kid Kaelah" was born! We have a childrens' quiz show in Germany called "1, 2 oder 3" (1, 2 or 3). In every show a kid is allowed to run one of the cameras. If pictures from that camera are shown they are highlighted with a coloured frame and the name of the indeed so called "camera kid" shows up. That's exactly how I felt, even though I doubted that the footage from my camera would be highlighted, should some of it become part of the final clips.

(Pandora reading aloud - in German!)

And so I watched the whole action through the camera. I tried to find interesting angles, to work with the zoom and with smooth movements and to avoid any shaking of the camera. The latter proved to be quite difficult after a while. The first game Jane and Pandora engaged in was the sponge contest. It was a hard fight and the scene lasted for about twenty minutes. Towards the end I suddenly realised that my arms started shaking. The camera was quite heavy and I surely was a bit too tense for the fear of shaking it or moving it too abruptly.

I had to find a solution for my problem and so I did. I went on my knees, stabilized the camera with them and started filming the scene at eye level with the pets. During the pause between the scenes I managed to recover a bit, but a few minutes into the next scene my arms started shaking again. And so I decided that the best thing to do was to go into the dachshund perspective like I did before. It proved to be an interesting perspective, at least from my point of view. The other two cameras were set up about hip high and the professional cameraman often shot close-ups from above. So my perspective definitely added a different angle. I followed Jane and Pandora at eye level as they did the limbo, read texts in foreign languages, were fed (which they used to make a big mess and lick each other clean afterwards) and of course spanked for their misdeeds.

(Pandora being spanked on the hands by Direktor Sands.)

One scene which was psychologically very intense stuck in my mind. During the limbo session the number of boxes which hold the stick are constantly reduced, until there is only very little space left under the stick. Except for someone who is extremely slim and has a rather small bosom, it is physically not possible to crawl from one side to the other without throwing the stick from the boxes. Both petgirls tried it once and of course failed. I'm not sure whether they had already tried it a second time when I felt that Pandora was getting reluctant when Herr Direktor Sands told them to do it again and try harder this time. She informed him: "This is not about how hard we try."

I could relate to Pandora's frustration and was curious how Direktor Sands was going to solve that situation. It was clear that Pandora's complaint was serious and not just in character. Herr Direktor convinced her to try it one more time. Reluctantly, Pandora did as she was told. It made me smile when I realised what Direktor Sands was doing. He put one foot on the stick, so that it simply couldn't fall down. That way both, Pandora and Jane, passed the test and were rewarded afterwards.

(Jane and Pandora being fed.)

My reward for being at the shoot wasn't a pet biscuit, it was the joy of being allowed to run such a fantastic camera. On that day I really wished I could change my profession and do that more often. I don't know whether any of the footage I shot was good enough to make it into the final clips. But operating that camera definitely made my day. And being behind the camera wasn't even all I did! I also participated in one scene together with Ludwig in front of the camera. That will be the story of the third and final part of my report, though.