"What Have I Done Wrong?"

Thank you all for your kind comments on Ludwig's Semi-Hiatus post! As most of you might already know, I love contributions made by our dear readers and I was very happy when I recently realised that the some of the discussions in the comment section of this blog are not only between the readers and us any more, but also among the readers themselves. So, your call for shorter posts that offer a ground for more exchange of thoughts between our readers does not go unheard. Of course, I am counting on you to join in the discussion and to share your thoughts in the comment section!

I'm not only going to ask a random question, though. Instead, I'm going to tell you a little story that raised some questions which I would like to pass on to you:

As I already told you in my post Does Your Mother Know?, I have been very open about my kink once I started exploring the world of spanking. Consequently, many of my friends and several of my family members know about my kinkiness. Both Ludwig and I also came out to our parents because we wanted them to know, even though we had of course no obligation to do so. The overall reactions of friends and family members were very positive, even from those who could not imagine how it must be to have an erotic fetish. My mum even actively supported my exploration, for example by buying me a singing bowl as a gift for Ludwig's and my first-ever play.

But Ludwig and I both also came across that one question which many parents who learn about their children's kinks for the first time might ask: “What have I done wrong?” I think it is a question that can come up irrespective of the child's age. Ludwig and I were both adults when we started exploring our kink and told our parents about it, but we were of course still our parents' children! Now, one might say that the question per se is a sign of prejudice and of a lack of acceptance of different forms of sexuality. I wouldn't interpret that question in such a negative way, though.

First of all, BDSM is unusual in the sense that it only applies to a statistical minority of people. Secondly, spankos derive pleasure (in one way or another) from something that is usually seen as unpleasant and as something that should be avoided – pain. So, I find it quite understandable that parents might ask why their child has developed an erotic desire to administer and / or receive pain. To my mind, the question “What have I done wrong?” only shows that a parent who can't relate to erotic kink cares about the child and wants to make sure that the unusual erotic fetish wasn't caused by any negative childhood experiences.

I can imagine that there might also be a lot of strange thoughts rushing through a parent's mind, depending on the gender constellation and the child's kink. For example, the father of a heterosexual woman who defines herself as a bottom might worry about not having given her enough self-confidence, so that she finally fell prey to a man who controls and beats her. The mother of a heterosexual man who sees himself as a top might worry about having been too strict with him, causing a desire to hurt and control women. I guess you can find similar potential worries for every possible combination (male, female, top, bottom). Of course, none of these worries is justified for the average kinkster, but I think that it is absolutely understandable that fears like these might arise when parents are confronted with their child's kinkiness for the very first time.

I think the least fears might be caused if a child admits to being a switch, because in that case, there doesn't seem to be a one-sided desire to give or receive pain and it becomes easier to understand that it is all about fantasies and sexual desires, not about issues of hatred or a lack of self-confidence. That's why I emphasized on being a switch when I was confronted with fears and the question what my kink was all about.

Answering the question about the origin of my kinkiness was much more difficult, though. I think I'm pretty well aware of where many of my kinky fantasies come from and what I get out of them. But I don't really know why I am / have become kinky in the first place. All I know is that I had kinky fantasies long before I knew about BDSM and erotic spanking.

So, my answer was that I didn't know why I was kinky, but that I assumed that it had something to do with either a genetic predisposition or very early childhood experiences. I compared kinkiness to homosexuality and explained that no matter how it was caused, it surely didn't have anything to do with anything my parents had done wrong. And that is what I really believe. Actually, I'm convinced that my parents did a lot of things which enabled me to live the happy kinky life I'm living today.

To my mind, my parents could have done a lot of things wrong which might then have turned my life as a kinkster into misery. For instance, they could have told me that sexuality is something dirty or evil. They could have taught me that one shouldn't talk about sexual desires. They could have given me the impression that they only love me if I'm “normal”. Or they could have subjected me to real-life CP which might have made it impossible (or at least much more difficult) for me to enjoy CP in a consensual, kinky context.

My parents did none of these things. Instead, they always gave me the feeling that I could talk to them about everything that moved me, even if they should have problems understanding it. They taught me that sexuality was something positive, something that belonged to people who care about and love each other and something one can talk about without having to be ashamed. Consequently, I very rarely struggled with my kink and I am today able to live out my sexual desires without any shame or fear.

I don't know whether I was able to explain all these thoughts that clearly when the question of “What have I done wrong?” came up. I guess I didn't. But I hope that I managed to clarify that the fear of having done anything wrong was unfounded.

Nonetheless the question “Why am I kinky?” is still unsolved for me. This question usually doesn't bother me too much, because I don't see my kinkiness as positive or negative per se. To my mind, it all depends on how someone deals with and lives out their kinky desires (or how someone feels without putting these desires into practical play). That's why the question of how kink works for others and for me has always been much more important for me than the question about the origin of kink.

Still, it remains of course an interesting field for further thoughts, especially in combination with the question of events that might have triggered this special sexual desire. I don't think that we have enough knowledge to answer the question about the origin of kink, but I asked myself whether it would change anything for me if one explanation or another turned out to be true. More precisely: Would I see my kink more negatively if it turned out that kinkiness were triggered by negative (early childhood) experiences?

I'm not necessarily talking about negative experiences that are anyone's fault. For instance, some psychologists believe that complications during birth can have a strong influence on people. My birth and the first weeks of my life didn't really run very smoothly. So, what if these negative experiences made me a spanko? Would that make my kink a negative thing?

My sense of reason says no. Just because something is caused by a negative experience doesn't mean that that something has to be negative as well. For example, having been involved in a life-threatening accident can make someone live a more mindful life. I'm not so sure about my emotional response, though. Would a revelation like that really not touch my feelings towards my kink at all? I can't tell you for sure.

So, how about you? Have you ever asked yourself about the origin of your kink or have others ever asked you about it? What do you think about this question? Do you find it interesting, unimportant or perhaps even annoying? And what if kink were caused by negative experiences? Would a revelation like that change your feelings towards your kink? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

PS New commenters are always welcome! The more different the ideas and the more lively the discussion, the more interesting the whole thing gets for all of us. No matter how experienced you are - complete newbie or spanking veteran - you are all welcome. No one is going to bite you, I promise!