Friday, July 23, 2010

Happiness in Slavery

“I would like to watch YOU struggling and bravely fighting again. In the recent days I had some really vivid fantasies about that. I think we should have a more elaborate scene when we meet the next time, including a prolonged and hard spanking.” Unexpectedly Ludwig had changed the topic during our conversation on the phone. I had just told him about my favourite reactions concerning male bottoms – visible struggling but without being broken. Now I was suddenly in for a severe spanking myself.

“We could embed the spanking into our slave scenario”, Ludwig continued, “I want to use the flogger, because with that implement I can spank you more severely without causing long lasting marks.” We already use a master – slave scenario in a very sexual, more BDSM-related context. It's part of what I call my “Klingon sex” fantasies. It's only with Ludwig that I seek being controlled by a dominant partner (in role play, not as a concept for our relationship) and this is our most intimate little fantasy universe.

So far it didn't involve any prolonged spankings, but we've both fantasised about including an intense whipping into that setting for quite a while. Now it suddenly seemed to become real. “It's just that I'm not really sure whether I'll be as brave as you expect me to be”, I answered, “we didn't have any harder scenes for about half a year. And during the last medium severe scene I was crying almost the whole time. And you know about my special relationship with that flogger...” Ludwig reassured me that crying would be okay, too. So, the basic plan was settled and for the next two days I immersed myself into fantasies about the things to come.

During our next phone call last weekend Ludwig brought up the topic again. “We might need more ropes, so that I can tie you down properly.” Ropes? That sounded really promising. I love ropes and being tied down, at least in that one special scenario! “We should really make sure that the spanking is long and hard enough, I don't want you to be disappointed.” For different reasons Ludwig and I didn't manage to act out any more elaborate spanking scenarios during the last six months and we had recently talked about how much I missed that and how much I longed for a long, intense spanking. Of course there had been spankings, OTK or for example with that nice little riding crop I bought a few weeks ago. But the whippings usually had been rather light and rather short without any complex build-up. So, Ludwig's ideas sounded better and better.

“I'm planning to give a you 3-digit number of strokes. And I'm not talking about a warm-up, I mean proper strokes”, Ludwig announced, “I think it's time to raise your pain tolerance again – and your self-confidence by showing you how much you can take.” Eeep!!! A 3-digit number of strokes with that flogger? Given my current self-confidence about how much I can take as a spankee? I had told Ludwig that my self-confidence concerning proper whippings is quite low at the moment, first of all because I feel like a newbie again due to the lack of spanking experiences during the last six months and secondly because of not having felt very strong during the last two severe scenes (the 50 strokes caning last December and the cry and let go scene at the beginning of this year). And for various reasons my Klingon side has become very quiet, too. In other words, I've often felt very sad and weak in the last six months. Which has been one of the reasons for the lack of more extensive, "serious" play – Ludwig prefers to cuddle and pamper me when I'm in a bad mood. And now we would make a scene that explicitly called for brave reactions while taking me to the limit.

My thoughts started running wild and I wasn't able to answer Ludwig's question how I liked the idea. On my last encounter with that flogger I was already in tears after stroke number two. By that point I would still have at least another 98 strokes to come this time, according to Ludwig's plan. What if I couldn't manage to be brave? Of course Ludwig was talking about taking me to my current personal limits and he would adjust the severity to it, but still I might have to acknowledge how low my pain tolerance has become. Which obviously wouldn't help to increase my self-confidence. I hovered between the urge of starting to cry right away, anger about suddenly finding myself in such a situation and gratitude for Ludwig planning to make my wish for a prolonged spanking come true. All I managed conversation-wise was to grunt some dachshund sounds into the phone.

“Oh, and how about that other thing? Are you still willing to overstep that line?” 'That other thing' referred to something more explicitly sexual. Something Ludwig would enjoy very much but which was right on the edge of my hard limits. Nonetheless the prospect of Ludwig simply taking it from me in the context of that very special power dynamics had a great appeal I couldn't deny. I definitely wouldn't cross that line very often. But I had signalised Ludwig that I had had very hot fantasies about him demanding me to do 'that other thing' for him in that master – slave context. And I had already agreed (without any withdraw option, actually) to do it. But in combination with that challenging prospect of a hard flogging? “Do you like the idea?” Again, I didn't know what to say. But there was that part of me that didn't want to back out and that wanted Ludwig to take over control. So, I finally simply answered: “Well, I already signed up for it. And given the scenario it actually doesn't matter whether I like it or not.”

[Note from Ludwig: I can't resist a grin when I imagine my dear blog readers thinking about "the other thing" and wondering what it could possibly refer to. My guess is that at least half of their theories would probably be wrong, though.]

Now, the next time we meet will be this weekend. So I'm sitting here with the prospect of a severe flogging and a lot more partly very welcome and partly very challenging abuse to come. And I'm equally scared and excited. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to take my revenge on Ludwig with that flogger. I would very much enjoy watching HIM struggling and bravely fighting again. If I survive next weekend... Ludwig is convinced I will. I still don't know how to prepare myself for the things to come (and I'm of course very thankful for every advice I can get). All I do know is that no matter how insecure I am, I can completely trust in Ludwig to make sure I'm safe and will survive...


Anonymous said...

Enjoy your session!- Eric

Anonymous said...

Cheer up!. Do not be afraid. I'm sure you get support more than 100. I want you to enjoy the session.

Kaelah said...

@ Eric and Anonymous:

Thanks a lot for cheering me up! Ludwig and I had a wonderful weekend with a lot of different fun and play. The main scene lasted for about two hours and contained a riding crop, a wooden hairbrush, a belt and 100 lashes with the mean flogger (severe, but not over the top), ropes, a lot of cuddling and some other sexual things couples do including “that other thing”. The latter was something I didn't manage to do 100 per cent the way I would have loved to, but Ludwig knows how edgy that thing is for me and he very much appreciated that I was willing to try my best for him.

I was very scared when the spanking started, but Ludwig knew exactly how to warm me up properly and how to take me to my limit without going one step too far. And the good news: It seems that my pain threshold (or stubbornness) hasn't decreased very much. Ludwig is of the opinion that it hasn't changed at all.

In conclusion: It was a wonderful weekend, vanilla- and kink-wise, with a great session I enjoyed very much! And it seemed like Ludwig enjoyed it, too... :-)

Arjuna said...

Good to hear you enjoyed your session. And I loved the way you are making it quite clear what "that other thing" is, without spelling it out. Regarding that activity, the same old rule applies, I guess: practice makes perfect. And then the fun starts.


Anonymous said...

Hi there Kaelah, I've followed your blog entries with interest, but but this is the first time I've left a comment!

Just wanted to congratulate you on being brave enough to acknowledge your kink and come out. In that respect, I am still in the closet - maybe that's why my relationships never *quite* work! Especially as I come across as the archetypal English rose, very proper with an accent to match...


BTW, unlike Arjuna, I've no idea what that 'other thing' thing is, but it sounds like you're getting there :)

Kaelah said...

@ Arjuna:

It's good to see you (or rather, to read a comment from you), again. I'm still not sure whether you mean the right thing (actually, it's just one certain variant of something), but your intuition is very good, so I guess you've got it! ;-)

I don't think I will ever be perfect concerning “that other thing”, though. But in my opinion (and I think in Ludwig's, too) that's okay. Ludwig and I have a lot of common desires, some of them completely new to both of us, and some common limits. And even for those things one of us is more interested in than the other, we usually find a scenario that works for the one who is less into it, too. So I think it's absolutely okay to have one or two things one of the partners enjoys but doesn't get very often because it's not really the other partner's taste.

@ QB:

Thank you very much for writing your first comment on our blog! :-) It's always great to get some feedback from readers who haven't commented before.

I think you're right, it's difficult to find a kinky partner in the “vanilla” world out there. But maybe you can find some friends in the scene by taking part in the discussions on the various forums and maybe one day meeting other people in a safe environment for example at a spanking party, when you feel ready to take that step. I hope to hear more from you, you're always welcome to share your thoughts by writing a comment or an email!

Eliane said...

I'm really glad you enjoyed your weekend and that your pain tolerance hasn't diminshed as you'd feared. It's been a long while since I played particularly hard, so I'm hoping that whenever I next do, I'll be able to take a leaf out of your book!

Pandora Blake said...

Oh, good to know that it worked out well! I'm feeling similar anxiety about my own threshold/ability to submit atm, because Tom has been so ill lately that we've not played much. It's reassuring to hear that your desires and limits haven't changed! And I'm very glad you had fun :)

I have ideas about what "that other thing" might be as well ... Anyway, trying one's best is all a submissive should aim to do, and should be enough for any dom. I'm glad that you and L have your heads around that one :)

Peter8862 said...

So Kaelah, which was - not most painful - but most erotically effective, 50 with the cane or 100 with the flogger ? Two very different implements creating very different reactions, but each with their uses.

I shan't join in the "other thing" guessing game (but I've a good idea).


Kaelah said...

@ Eliane:

I cross my fingers that your next hard scene will be good, no matter when you'll decide to do it. I was actually very scared when the scene started and Ludwig tied me down, but I think the key to deal with it is trusting the top one is playing with to find the right balance. And since you know some very experienced and trustworthy tops I have no doubt that you'll find the right one for the scene when the time comes! :-)

@ Pandora:

I don't think that the pain threshold really decreases, I guess it's only the increased anxiety that might make a spanking feel worse after a longer break. But then, I've actually never played regularly, so I can't really say whether my pain threshold would be higher if I did. Oh, and it's sweet how everyone is having their ideas about “that other thing”, that's much funnier than it would have been had I just named it right away! ;-)

The most important point: I hope that Tom will be feeling better soon!

@ Peter:

Actually, neither the severe scene with the cane nor the hard flogging were as erotically effective as for example a medium severe spanking with my new riding crop. It's the scenario and the intimacy between Ludwig and me that made these two hard scenes erotic at all. I think the caning made me very proud which was a good feeling, but it wasn't exactly a typical erotic feeling because it really was a kind of experiment. The flogging was more intimate. That's why that scene was more erotic than the caning.