Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2010):
The First Cut Is The Deepest

For most of my lifetime, my sexual fantasies consisted almost exclusively of spanking scenarios. As some of you already know from my post Abenteuerland, the greater part of them were M/m and didn't involve any vanilla sexual activities. Although vanilla sex never played an important role in my imagination, that doesn't mean it had any negative connotation. Quite the contrary, I assumed in a good, happy partnership the classical sexual act had to be the most intimate and wonderful "cherry on the cake" so to speak. But since I didn't have a partner of that kind and since vanilla sex wasn't a part of my sexual fantasies otherwise, it just didn't play any practical role in my life.

When I became Ludwig's mate I was glad to find out that he had a similar point of view. While most of his erotic fantasies were centered around spanking, he considered vanilla sex to be a very special and beautiful part of an intimate relationship. I told him that I would need time before I would feel ready for that, because obviously I didn't have any experience in sexual intimacy whatsoever. Ludwig didn't hurry me and we took it slowly. I have to admit that the male anatomy hadn't been an important point of interest or a great turn-on for me, either. But with Ludwig it all came very naturally. Today I'm of the opinion that all those "things" get interesting if only they belong to the right guy... :-)

It didn't take too long until I felt ready for the final step. I told Ludwig about it and about my idea of embedding that very special experience into a bigger scenario involving a beautiful place where it should happen and a spanking, of course. And so I wrote the story about the Castle of the Final Decision. A friend showed me a wonderful ruin of an old castle and I told Ludwig that I had found exactly the place I was looking for. Ludwig warned me that having sex for the first time and outdoor at a public place might be a bit too much. But then the idea and the whole scenario sounded somehow intriguing. So, we finally agreed to start our scenario at the castle and to see where it led us.

Of course there were some preparations to do. At first I got myself an outfit for the scene. Then we went to a SM store and bought a flogger fitting for the scenario. That was my first mistake. To all bottoms: When you go to an SM store (in this case one that is visited mostly by male gays, and those guys seem to be tough) and you see a flogger that looks really nasty somehow, DON'T let your top buy it! :-) Anyway, we also planned a complete sightseeing-tour for that special day and we were lucky with the weather. So we spent some wonderful hours in a park and an old city, walking, chatting and drinking tea in a Chinese tea house. The only problem was that I had a cold and wasn't really fit. Well, thinking that wouldn't be a problem at all was my second mistake!

In the evening we went to the castle, exploring the place as long as there was still some daylight. We couldn't have started our scene at that time, though, because the place was still crowded. So we waited until after sunset and I finally got dressed. Unfortunately, it became quite cold and the sky was very cloudy now, too. But nonetheless we started our little scene and I didn't think very much of the low temperature, which was my third mistake.

Suddenly I found myself in the character of an adept witch facing her final test. The king started by asking the aspirant who had made her way to his castle in order become a fully fledged guardian witch about her motivation and her background. At first I had some difficulties to get into character, but then I started telling him about my parents, a dark wizard and a witch belonging to a white circle. About their impractical relationship that ended in a disaster. How all of that led me to the feeling that I never wanted to belong to one of the dichotomic sides of magical power and to the aim to become a grey witch, fighting for a global mission instead of starting unhappy personal relationships. The king assured me that intimate relationships didn't necessarily have to end in a disaster and that they could be something very wonderful indeed. He told me that he would give me proof after my initiation was over.

But first I had to pass the final test. The king asked me about the Five Golden Rules of the grey coven and about the attitude and abilities a guardian witch needed to have. Then he showed me the flogger and asked me whether I had seen something like that before. He was quite suprised when I said yes. I told him the story about the very strong black adept witch who was a danger for the balance of power. So the circle of the senior guardian witches had decided that she had to be averted of her powers as soon as she had ended her apprenticeship. That's why a few of us had hidden in the woods when said witch underwent her final test there. And as a part of her test the witch had been abandoned to a hard flogging. We hadn't been able to see everything from our hiding place, but I had caught a glimpse of the flogger and we had heard her screams of agony echoing through the woods.

The king informed me that the final test of the grey coven indeed was a mixture of the final tests of the white and the black covens. It included a talk about motivations and ethics as well as a flogging which in this case was supposed to show whether the aspirant could master that challenge with the attitude a guardian witch was supposed to have. By that point I had successfully finished part one and the second part was now to begin.

The king guided me to a little niche where I could bend over and told me to put up my skirt and lower my panties. I obeyed and he started flogging me. And that damn flogger hurt like hell! I desperately struggeled to take the flogging obediently and to keep my inner and outer balance. At one point the king stopped and told me that we were already nearly finished. Then he announced I had twenty more strokes to go! At that moment I was shortly before freaking out because quite frankly I didn't know how I could take even one more single stroke.

But instead of starting to panick I suddenly thought: Ludwig must have realised through my reactions how much I'm struggling. If he thinks I can take twenty more lashes he's propably right. And so I somehow managed to go through the last twenty strokes before Ludwig (it was much more him and me than the king and the witch at that moment) embraced me in his arms and I started to cry.
It was the first time I cried after a spanking and I felt like a wimp because I didn't understand why I had such problems taking the flogging in a manner I found appropriate for my character.

Of course today I know three things: First of all, this special flogger doesn't leave a lot of marks but really produces a high amount of pain when used with force. Secondly, having a bad cold decreases the pain threshold a lot. And third, being spanked outside in the cold and freezing doesn't make it any better... :-)

Ludwig calmed me down and reassured me that I was very brave in his eyes and had taken the flogging very well.
In the meantime it had started to rain and we decided to drive home for the last and main part of our scenario. Given the fact that Ludwig is an INFJ and I am an INTJ I think that showed a lot of flexibility after all the planning! :-) Honestly, although I was sad that we had to interrupt the scene and couldn't use the beautiful scenery of the castle, experiencing my first time lying in wet grass with a bad cold wasn't what I had dreamed of, either.

On our way home Ludwig and I talked about the scene and about what went well and what didn't. We both aren't regular role players and so the scenario had been a challenge for both of us. But all in all it went well and it had been a very wonderful day so far.

When we arrived at home it was already after 12 pm and we were both very tired. The first thing I did was to take a look in the mirror, followed by being frustrated again because the flogger hadn't even left a lot of marks proving that the spanking really had been painful. Again Ludwig assured me that the severity of the marks wasn't necessarily proportional to the pain caused by a spanking and that the marking depended very much on the implement. I calmed down again and Ludwig laid me on the bed.

He was very careful but to my surprise (yes I know, I was just tired, exhausted and having a bad cold) it hurt a lot! Even after some minutes the pain didn't become much more bearable. I had already forgotten about this, but when I prepared this post Ludwig reminded me that I asked him at one point whether I could have the flogger again instead...

I'm very thankful today that Ludwig was as careful and slow as he was, but didn't stop completely. Because after what seemed like eternity it started getting better. By the end, the pain wasn't completely gone but had become much less. Totally exhausted and tired Ludwig and I fell asleep side by side.
The next morning I was a bit sad because I hadn't been able to enjoy our first vanilla sex as much as I hoped. I was afraid that this meant I didn't love Ludwig enough or that I would never be able to really enjoy that kind of sexual activity.

But nonetheless I somehow wanted to try it again that day. It still hurt in the beginning, but then I was able to relax and it started feeling good and I enjoyed being that close together with my partner Ludwig, the way I always hoped vanilla sex would be! And from that day on it has become better and better. Today my sexual fantasies definitely include classical sex (well, mixed up with spanking and other forms of BDSM, of course)! And although the first time didn't exactly turn out the way it was planned, I'm very happy about that wonderful day Ludwig and I shared and about the fact that I had waited with that special experience until I found him. And who cares about whether a first time is perfect when the next hundreds of times are just getting better and better...?!

Of course I would love to hear your opinion on this topic. Does vanilla sex play any role in your life? What did you experience first, spanking or vanilla sex? How did you like both experiences? And has it changed over time or with different partner? If you like you are very welcome to share your thoughts in the comment section.


Peter8862 said...

Kaelah, let my comment be the first this time instead of the last, as is my norm. You've given us another beautifully crafted blog on a subject of great delicacy - it reminds me of drinking tea from someone else's most fragile bone china. So, at the risk of taking another sip, I will say that after a lifetime of vanilla sex and suppressed cp, I am convinced that it would have been immeasurably richer had I had the courage and the cunning to mix the two, as I believe Nature probably intended. You are organising life much the better!

Kaelah said...

@ Peter:

Thank you very, very much for being the first one to comment on this post! :-) It's a very personal story and I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed about the lack of comments so far. I wondered whether the combination of spanking and vanilla sex might have scared off the spanking purists, whether the whole story wasn't interesting enough (at least without spanking pictures) or whether the readers simply didn't want to discuss such intimate topics...

You are absolutely right, it is great gift to have a partner with whom one can share the different kinds of sexual desires and fantasies one has. I think even today many (most?) people aren't that lucky! And I'm not sure whether I would ever have lived out my kink in case I had met my partner at a very young age. At that time he would most probably have been vanilla – and maybe I would never have become a part of the kinky internet community and never have asked him whether we could integrate my spanking fantasies into our sexual life (especially because my kinky fantasies at that time didn't include any vanilla sex)?! Who knows? Well, fortunately I was lucky enough not to meet someone who seemed to be the right guy at that time and to meet Ludwig right at the time I was ready to explore my kink! :-)

Ursus Lewis said...

Thank you Kaelah for another interesting blog entry. Most of my sexual fantasies are about disciplinary spankings. If I had to name a number, I would say probably 90 to 95% are. I have "vanilla sex" fantasies though but it seemed like I don't really seek it.

It's probably no coincidence, I had my first such experience short after I had my first spanking experience. I still don't really seek it. Spanking play is much more important for me. But I think in an intimate relationship with a girlfriend I would probably feel a bit different.

I don't know though, because I did not have such a relationship so far.

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus:

Thanks a lot for your open comment! It's interesting, I always thought that most people would make “vanilla sex” experiences first and their first spanking experience later. But there seem to be more people who experienced the two things in the same order as we both did.

I can understand that you don't really seek vanilla sex outside an intimate relationship with a girlfriend. In my emotional world vanilla sex only works in the context of an intimate relationship. I think the only reason why I like vanilla sex today is that I experienced how good it feels with the right partner! I cross my fingers that you'll find the right girl to try it one day. Of course it should be a girl with proper disciplinary spanking fantasies! :-)

Peter8862 said...

Kaelah, I've always had the feeling that what we euphemistically call "spanking" could only be justified as another form of stimulation for vanilla sex, whether a climax was achieved or not. Whipping purely for its own sake was not necessarily amoral but needed a responsible rationale, otherwise it became no more than cruel assault. The relationship you describe would seem to support this view.

Ludwig said...

@ Peter: Well, I for one feel that spanking between consenting adults, CP between consenting adults, BDSM or whatever we choose to call it is justified - and justified sufficiently - by the fact that those who engage in it get *some* kind of satisfaction and erotic thrill out of it. Whether it leads to vanilla sex, with or without a climax, is another question. It can, but I don't think it has to. It might also be a more subtle form of satisfaction and thrill, one that is entirely in the minds of the spankee and the spanker after they are done with their "encounter".

So, while I agree with you in principle, to the extent that spanking is of course supposed to povide satisfaction and fulfilment of some kind, I would not want to say that spanking "could only be justified as another form of stimulation for vanilla sex". That would be too narrow a view, in my opinion.

Val said...

The paradoxical conundrum of adult spanking: it doesn't have to lead to sex, although it is sexual dynamite.
Otherwise, why would it interest us?
Vanilla sex is the glue that keeps the long term relationship together - or is it? Let's say you and partner have it all work out with the kink and everything, but a long time goes and all you get is vanilla (and no play), for whatever reason - no time, no privacy, kids around the house, you are in your mother's house, whatever. Still, the kink is in your head all the time. Can you separate the thoughts in your head from the vanilla encounter? I don't think so. From this point of view, I think thay are inseparable.
I think that going either way is fine (starting vanilla then stepping into kink, or starting kink and integrate vanilla later), as long as in the end you get to balance the two, meaning that you should also be lucky to have found the partner to support you through it, and the partner to benefit from the journey too.
For my part, I consider myself lucky to have been able to start from the "classic" baseline, then learn to communicate and implement the kink. (I was aware of being a spanko long before I became consciously aware of this sex thing anyway.) All along, however, I think that if you love your partner, the kink is a bonus if you must have it. After all, it's all in your head, no?
Thank you for sharing this subject, and making it into such a delicate post. It is not by lack of interest not commenting, but my first thought was: How can one follow that?!

Peter8862 said...

Ludwig : I agree with you that the justification for spanking cannot be limited just to sexual gratification - although it normally is. I was careful to say that in other circumstances, it needed a responsible rationale, otherwise it became no more than common assault. A definition of "responsible rationale" would occupy a complete blog but a true consensuality must play a major role.

Kaelah said...

@ Val:

For me, kink and vanilla sex are definitely inseparable in my relationship. Both have their place in Ludwig's and my relationship, both are important, but both aren't the most important part of our relationship. But I've read posts from others who seem to be very much into spanking but not very much into vanilla sex. I'm not sure whether that's also true for some spankos who are in a relationship or whether it is much more common among spankos who have play partners but no mate. That's why I asked whether vanilla sex plays any role in the life of the blog readers or whether they prefer kinky play without vanilla sex or at least separate the two things.

I'm happy that you liked the post! :-)