Kaelah's Corner (Jul 2010): Pictures Of You

In my post titled Almost (Un)real I mused about how much I show of myself on the blog. I think that despite of protecting my vanilla identity I'm very open and honest in my posts and show quite a lot of myself, my thoughts, experiences and fears. But in the same post I already admitted having certain limits. In my case these limits affect the question of how much to show visually, in pictures as well as in films. Since Ludwig had already made spanking clips before we met, his face was already well known among the community. I had the choice between staying his faceless girlfriend or joining in. And – as you all know – I've chosen the latter option. While I prefer making aesthetic pictures and embedding them into little storylines, like in my To Everything There's A Season or the What You Say Is What You Get post, I had a lot of fun when Ludwig and I made our first clip (which will now definitely be released soon) together, too!

But still, there are certain fears going along with publishing erotic pictures and clips, and limits I don't overstep. Although I've been completely naked on some of the pictures I posted, you won't find any photos of me including any frontal nudity. And I only publish pictures and clips I'm completely happy with. The reason for me being that careful has of course to do with my desire to look beautiful and certain insecurities about my looks. But there's more to it than that.

In the comment section on the Waving Flag post Val wrote: ”[...] for me, sharing images and stories of my play and of my partner is the same with letting others touch, or let myself be touched in person [...]“. The feeling that having pictures and films of me gives others power over me and my body is exactly what scares me, too. I know rationally that this is of course nonsense, there is nothing like vodoo and pictures or films showing me aren't me! But in my feelings they seem to come close. And there's a difference between showing pictures or films to someone or posting them on the internet which makes the whole thing even scarier: When you show pictures to someone and suddenly realise that you don't feel comfortable with it any more, you can simply close your album and the only remaining thing is the usually quickly fading memory of the person who has seen the evidence. Once you've published something on the net you can't take it back. People can copy it, save it on their hard disk, send it to whomever they want, print it and do whatever they like with it. There's no way back!

To find out what's really behind my fears I asked myself under which conditions they appear and under which conditions I don't have or hypothetically wouldn't have a strange gut feel. First of all, the fears only appear in the context of people knowing my face. I guess that has to do with the fact that humans usually distinguish other humans by their faces. Plus, the facial expressions say a lot about one's intention, mood and personality. In other words, knowing someone's face comes very close to knowing someone in person. But even under the condition that people know my face, I don't have problems with every type of picture. Actually, it's only about photos or films showing me in an erotic vanilla context or as a bottom. I think that has something to do with the fact that in both contexts I feel more vulnerable and in danger of being “abused” than for example when publishing images showing me in a dominant pose.

Taking erotic vanilla or bottom scenarios, whom or what am I afraid of? First of all, I'm not afraid of any women finding the images arousing, no matter whether they are tops or bottoms, hetero- or homosexual. The explanation I have for that is that being a heterosexual I can't really imagine to be used or forced to something I don't want to do by other women. Of course only to project those fears on men is irrational, but it is the best way I can describe my feelings. Secondly, I'm not afraid of male bottoms using something I do as a bottom for their own fantasies. Why? I guess the answer is here that I expect them to mentally take my place when using a picture or clip for their sexual stimulation, so they just use it as a base for creating a fantasy of their own, they don't use me. Again, that's of course a highly speculative assumption.

So, it's about males in general and male tops (concerning the things I do as a bottom) using my pictures or clips for their sexual stimulation. The last part is very important, too. I'm not afraid of anyone looking at a picture or clip and just saying: “Wow, this is beautiful.” My fear is that someone uses or abuses me mentally. Which means first of all, I wouldn't have any problems with someone watching a picture or clip and maybe getting aroused by it, thinking: “It's cool to watch what that kinky couple, Ludwig and Kaelah, are doing there.” Because obviously that guy would just see himself as an observer and in his fantasies it would still be Ludwig and Kaelah doing things together. Interestingly, a group of viewers who wouldn't scare me, either, are those people who watch so much spanking porn that they can't remember the faces of the girls the next day. Even if someone like that would directly masturbate when watching the clip, focusing on the visual stimuli thinking about what he would like to do to that “deserving bitch” (I know I'm exaggerating!) it wouldn't be a problem. Because to that guy I wouldn't have any importance as a person, which makes me feel that this doesn't really have anything to do with me.

So, it comes down to the following: I'm obviously afraid that there might be males in general or male tops in particular who watch film clips or look at pictures showing me in a vulnerable position, placing themselves in the position of the top (or partner for vanilla sex), using the visual stimulus directly for the gratification of their sexual urges, imagining what they would do to me or with me if they got the chance. I'm not sure whether this makes any sense to the readers so far and I can only speculate on the source. What strikes me is how much the fears match my limits concerning spanking fantasies and vanilla sex. I would neither like to have vanilla sex with anyone else than my partner in the real world, nor would I like to play out any submissive spanking fantasies or fantasies with non-consensual storylines with someone else. I guess that's why I'm afraid of someone doing these things to me in their fantasies without me giving them the explicit permission, without me knowing about it and without me having any control about what is going on. Partly that kind of fear might have to do with a typical female streak, the fear of being hunted down and abused by the caveman next door?! Also highly speculative, but I somehow have the feeling that the kind of fears I describe come from somewhere deep inside me.

I know that this is a highly emotional and irrational thing and I hope not to insult someone by writing so openly about my fears. So, to make that absolutely clear: I don't condemn using spanking clips for one's arousal or sexual relief. I'm absolutely aware that masturbating isn't in any way bad or disrespectful. And I know that a man using a picture or clip in the way I've just described can be full of respect for the woman he uses for his fantasies and that he's usually absolutely aware of the difference between the fantasy he created in his head and the real person behind a picture or clip. I'm talking about a deep fear and I know that it might be based on prejudices of mine, wrong mental connections and personal experiences that aren't really connected to the situations in which the fear rises. I had such an experience last year. It's still difficult for me to talk or write about it, but I think it helps to explain the mental pictures I've got in my head when the fears about publishing pictures or clips rise.

It happened in a public bath I went to in order to get a nice complexion for Ludwig's and my first spanking clip, actually. I didn't want any bikini tan lines, so I went to a bath with a nudity area. I could only go there in the evening to catch the last remaining sunlight. Usually there wasn't much sun left and so I always lay down in the only sunny corner that was still left. There weren't many people in the nudity area, but some seemed to be there regularly, for example a nice elderly man whom I met every time I was there. We said hello and goodbye, but otherwise I was completely focused on getting an even complexion. As you can imagine that meant that I didn't really cover myself, but this was a nudity area for sunbathing, so what? Others wanted to get some sun, too. So one day I even shared my little sunny spot with another man who had asked me whether he could lie down next to me to get some sun. One day the sunlight went away so fast that I even got on the quadruped position for a minute to catch the last sunbeams. I pretended to have a hurting back to not make it look so silly. That day I stayed until closing time. When I got into my clothes again I realised that only the nice old man and I were left in the nudity area. I wanted to say goodbye when I suddenly saw that he was standing there, looking in my direction and masturbating! At first I thought I must have been mistaken. This couldn't be real! But it was. I was so shocked that I just muttered goodbye and left the nudity area as quick as possible without reacting to what I had just seen.

When I told my male friends about what happened of course everyone said that what the guy had done was wrong and that it wasn't my fault. But when I told them about having tried to catch some sun in the quadruped position they all smiled and said that this sight might of course lead a man to certain fantasies. That didn't excuse the guys behaviour, but still it made me feel very silly and somehow also guilty because I was so naïve not to think about the consequences of my behaviour. On a lighter note: It seems that I really animate males to do things like that. A baboon in the zoo some years ago did exactly the same thing, definitely fixating me with his eyes the whole time! Well, on the other hand that maybe just proves that only apes do things like that in front of a woman they don't know and who hasn't given them her permission.

What I'm afraid of now is to make the same mistake when publishing pictures and clips. My main drive to make pictures and clips is the creative work and my attempt to create something beautiful and erotic. I have to admit that I didn't think about someone using it directly for the gratification of their physical urges or that posting erotic pictures means that one implies that one wants to be used (or abused) in other people's fantasies. Now I think: What if I have been naïve concerning that topic, too? Ludwig is of the opinion that publishing erotic pictures or clips implies that one wants to arouse people, because this is what these kind of pictures or clips are usually made for. Given that premise it would be absolutely ridiculous to complain about people using the pictures or clips for a mindfuck (combined with getting some masturbatory relief).

Ludwig even is of the opinion that, if someone masturbated to one of our pictures or clips, it could be seen as a compliment! But still that thought gives me a very strange feeling. I never saw it to be made for that. I just wanted to create beautiful and aesthetic images that should give others impulses for their own fantasies. And when I got all those nice compliments on the blog that was exactly how it felt like. But recently I had a discussion with Ludwig in which he said that, while using erotic photos or films in any way one likes when being alone was perfectly okay from his point of view, it would of course be extremely rude to walk up to a spanking model and say: "Hey, I jerked off to one of your videos the other day!" That would be a violation of good manners even in a community that is as open about sexuality as ours. So, instead of mentioning one's masturbation sessions, one should just say that one is a fan or that one liked the artwork. Of course now I'm asking myself: What is the real message behind the comments one gets on pictures and clips (I guess it's usually just what the comment says... ;-) )?

However, I like to make pictures and creative clips. They are intended to be erotic and to make people fantasize. I'm not fond of the thought of people using them for mentally (ab)using me when watching them. But the mind is free and of course I won't tell people what to think. And I know that, even if someone uses the images in this way, that doesn't really threaten me because it is just a fantasy, not me. Still, the question I ask myself, is whether the act of publishing erotic photos and clips directly implies that I am and want to be available for (at least mental) (ab)use???

So, I would be very glad to read your thoughts on the topic! I am especially interested to hear the points of view of male tops and all those who are into spanking porn and images. I would also love to read the thoughts of those among you who watch spanking porn but don't live out their kink. How do you use spanking porn? What do you think about the models? Are they just eye candy, do you see them as the character they are playing or do you see the persons behind the clip? Are the clips triggering fantasies of your own or are you using them differently? What do you think when watching spanking porn? Of course I would also love to hear from women who have decided pro or against publishing pictures and clips!

Thanks a lot for bearing with me through a long and maybe somewhat confused blog post. I hope I haven't offended anyone. And sorry for the very personal questions this time, but maybe some of you are willing to share some thoughts about this.

No Woman No Cry

On the 29th of July 2009 Ludwig solved the little K-Day riddle and introduced me to the readers of this blog in his post named Where No Man Has Spanked Before. One year has passed by and Ludwig had and still has to suffer the consequences of giving up his peaceful life as a single. Because girlfriends change your life, you know?

At first they tell you that everything is going to stay the same and that they just want a little corner in your life. When you begin to feel safe and they know that you don't want to live your life without them any more, it suddenly happens – they start taking over. Slowly, but steadily (the way you cook poor little frogs) they expand their territory, taking control over your time schedule, your plans, your life and, finally, your blog! And, even worse, some girlfriends also get you into trouble, for example by bringing up long forgotten topics like whippings from old bets you haven't received, yet.

Some even make announcements like this one: It's finally settled, the football bet clip is going to become real! Ludwig and I are planning a trip to the UK to meet some of our kinky friends. Among them is a young English lady who meets Ludwig's requirements to substitute Niki in the clip and who is very willing to step in for her. She's an incredibly nice and funny person, looks gorgeous and is very experienced as a top as well as a bottom. I know that Ludwig is a big fan of her work and I like her very much and absolutely trust her to be the right one for the job. And I can surely use the opportunity to learn a lot from her about topping and filming, while serving as a (of course supportive and impartial) moderator and referee for the clip.

Adele Haze recently started a very interesting discussion about the quality of F/M clips on her blog. Many commenters shared the opinion that there isn't so much good stuff available on that field. I'm sure we will be able to add one clip worth watching, and with your help we might be able to match your taste even better. So check out the blog during the next weeks – we might ask you for your opinion!

So much for today. I don't know how happy some of the single guys out there are now, becoming aware of what getting themselves a girlfriend might mean... ;-) All that's left for me to say is: Thank you, Ludwig, for letting me be a part of your life and for also sharing your kinky world with me. I love writing for this blog and I love doing all that creative stuff with you!

Happiness in Slavery

“I would like to watch YOU struggling and bravely fighting again. In the recent days I had some really vivid fantasies about that. I think we should have a more elaborate scene when we meet the next time, including a prolonged and hard spanking.” Unexpectedly Ludwig had changed the topic during our conversation on the phone. I had just told him about my favourite reactions concerning male bottoms – visible struggling but without being broken. Now I was suddenly in for a severe spanking myself.

“We could embed the spanking into our slave scenario”, Ludwig continued, “I want to use the flogger, because with that implement I can spank you more severely without causing long lasting marks.” We already use a master – slave scenario in a very sexual, more BDSM-related context. It's part of what I call my “Klingon sex” fantasies. It's only with Ludwig that I seek being controlled by a dominant partner (in role play, not as a concept for our relationship) and this is our most intimate little fantasy universe.

So far it didn't involve any prolonged spankings, but we've both fantasised about including an intense whipping into that setting for quite a while. Now it suddenly seemed to become real. “It's just that I'm not really sure whether I'll be as brave as you expect me to be”, I answered, “we didn't have any harder scenes for about half a year. And during the last medium severe scene I was crying almost the whole time. And you know about my special relationship with that flogger...” Ludwig reassured me that crying would be okay, too. So, the basic plan was settled and for the next two days I immersed myself into fantasies about the things to come.

During our next phone call last weekend Ludwig brought up the topic again. “We might need more ropes, so that I can tie you down properly.” Ropes? That sounded really promising. I love ropes and being tied down, at least in that one special scenario! “We should really make sure that the spanking is long and hard enough, I don't want you to be disappointed.” For different reasons Ludwig and I didn't manage to act out any more elaborate spanking scenarios during the last six months and we had recently talked about how much I missed that and how much I longed for a long, intense spanking. Of course there had been spankings, OTK or for example with that nice little riding crop I bought a few weeks ago. But the whippings usually had been rather light and rather short without any complex build-up. So, Ludwig's ideas sounded better and better.

“I'm planning to give a you 3-digit number of strokes. And I'm not talking about a warm-up, I mean proper strokes”, Ludwig announced, “I think it's time to raise your pain tolerance again – and your self-confidence by showing you how much you can take.” Eeep!!! A 3-digit number of strokes with that flogger? Given my current self-confidence about how much I can take as a spankee? I had told Ludwig that my self-confidence concerning proper whippings is quite low at the moment, first of all because I feel like a newbie again due to the lack of spanking experiences during the last six months and secondly because of not having felt very strong during the last two severe scenes (the 50 strokes caning last December and the “cry and let go” scene at the beginning of this year). And for various reasons my Klingon side has become very quiet, too. In other words, I've often felt very sad and weak in the last six months. Which has been one of the reasons for the lack of more extensive, "serious" play – Ludwig prefers to cuddle and pamper me when I'm in a bad mood. And now we would make a scene that explicitly called for brave reactions while taking me to the limit.

My thoughts started running wild and I wasn't able to answer Ludwig's question how I liked the idea. On my last encounter with that flogger I was already in tears after stroke number two. By that point I would still have at least another 98 strokes to come this time, according to Ludwig's plan. What if I couldn't manage to be brave? Of course Ludwig was talking about taking me to my current personal limits and he would adjust the severity to it, but still I might have to acknowledge how low my pain tolerance has become. Which obviously wouldn't help to increase my self-confidence. I hovered between the urge of starting to cry right away, anger about suddenly finding myself in such a situation and gratitude for Ludwig planning to make my wish for a prolonged spanking come true. All I managed conversation-wise was to grunt some dachshund sounds into the phone.

“Oh, and how about that other thing? Are you still willing to overstep that line?” 'That other thing' referred to something more explicitly sexual. Something Ludwig would enjoy very much but which was right on the edge of my hard limits. Nonetheless the prospect of Ludwig simply taking it from me in the context of that very special power dynamics had a great appeal I couldn't deny. I definitely wouldn't cross that line very often. But I had signalised Ludwig that I had had very hot fantasies about him demanding me to do 'that other thing' for him in that master – slave context. And I had already agreed (without any withdraw option, actually) to do it. But in combination with that challenging prospect of a hard flogging? “Do you like the idea?” Again, I didn't know what to say. But there was that part of me that didn't want to back out and that wanted Ludwig to take over control. So, I finally simply answered: “Well, I already signed up for it. And given the scenario it actually doesn't matter whether I like it or not.”

[Note from Ludwig: I can't resist a grin when I imagine my dear blog readers thinking about "the other thing" and wondering what it could possibly refer to. My guess is that at least half of their theories would probably be wrong, though.]

Now, the next time we meet will be this weekend. So I'm sitting here with the prospect of a severe flogging and a lot more partly very welcome and partly very challenging abuse to come. And I'm equally scared and excited. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to take my revenge on Ludwig with that flogger. I would very much enjoy watching HIM struggling and bravely fighting again. If I survive next weekend... Ludwig is convinced I will. I still don't know how to prepare myself for the things to come (and I'm of course very thankful for every advice I can get). All I do know is that no matter how insecure I am, I can completely trust in Ludwig to make sure I'm safe and will survive...

Pseudonyms and Alter Egos

In a recent edition of Kaelah's Corner, titled Almost (Un)real, Kaelah mused about how "real" our kinky personas which we present on the web really are. It is a fascinating question, which I would formulate as: to what degree are the pseudonyms we use alter egos? Are they just pen names (literally, "pseudonym" simply means "false name", nothing more), or are they, at least in the case of some of us, actual alter egos, second selves with personality traits that may be different from our normal, day-to-day personalities? I am going to share a few thoughts of my own about that question with you today.

First off, I believe that most kinksters would probably answer that the nicknames they use are just that, nicknames. They would reject, and probably feel a tad offended by, the notion that their kinky personas are in any way "constructed" or "artificial". If anything, they would argue, the kinky persona is the "real me", because it can be open about kinky fantasies and desires, while the supposedly real me which they usually present to the world is a "character" of sorts, having to behave at times in a way that has to be less honest about such an important facet of their lives. Abel of The Spanking Writers made that point in the discussion of Kaelah's post. And it is a very good point, of course.

Why do we use nicknames in the first place? Well, obviously, to protect our privacy. This has nothing to do with shame and everything to do with common sense. I am not ashamed of my kink and I do not consider what I do to be in any way unhealthy or morally wrong. But unfortunately, we live in a world where so many misconceptions and prejudices still exist about BDSM, where a spanking top like me is all too easily reduced to "someone who likes to beat women", that it is wiser not to use one's real name on the internet so that every neighbour, work colleague or casual acquaintance can google for one's fascination with whips n' chains.

Does this mean that, if we lived in a perfect world where everyone regarded BDSM as simply an assortment of unusual erotic practices indulged in by otherwise perfectly "normal", well-adjusted people (a view taken by most of science today, but certainly not by all of politics or by the tabloid media), we would not be using nicknames? Again, I believe that many spankos would spontaneously answer: "Yes! In that case, we would not be using nicknames." But when I examine my own feelings on the matter, I am not sure that this would be true for me. I believe that, even in such a perfectly tolerant world where I would not have to fear any prejudice or negative repercussions for being kinky, I would still write under a pseudonym.

Actually, fear of negative repercussions is pretty low on my list of reasons for writing as "Ludwig". That fear is not very strong at all. If you read my recent posts Respecting Reader Privacy (a rant on the subject of privacy protection) and Paranoia 101 (which put a humorous spin on it), you may have gotten the impression that I am deathly afraid of being outed, a shivering nervous wreck almost. That impression would be totally false. I accepted the possibility that I might be outed one day the minute I started this blog, and I can live with it very well. My close family members and (vanilla) friends, of whom I do not have many, know about my kink, anyway. I would not expect too many negative consequences in my field of work, either. And as for "the public" in general, I am not bothered - perhaps it is the historian in me, but I put very little stock in what "the mainstream opinions" of society are at any given time, or what they might say about me.

Sure, it would be awkward to be outed and bring some immediate annoyances. But I do not have sleepless nights because of the prospect. If it happens, it happens. I think my biggest gripe with being outed would be that it happened against my will, which would annoy me as a matter of principle, and that it would take away some of the mystique of "Ludwig" in my view. Wanting to be in control and wanting to uphold a certain mystique are far stronger motives for me for keeping my real identity secret than the fear of any concrete, negative consequences. You could say that my motives are mainly aesthetic or artistic in nature, not social or practical.

As a matter of fact, I am quite fascinated with pseudonyms as a historical, cultural and psychological phenomenon. When you think about it, they are everywhere. Authors use pen names (Richard Bachman, George Sand). Actors and musicians use stage names (Winona Ryder, Slash). Terrorists and resistance fighters use "noms de guerre" (Carlos the Jackal). Communists used "party names" or "cadre names" (Lenin, Stalin, Pol Pot). Serial killers apply names to themselves or get names applied to them by the media or the police (Jack the Ripper, Zodiac, Son of Sam). Hackers use "handles" or "screen names" (Hagbard). In many cases, the pseudonym eventually becomes more famous than the person's birth name - how many people today know that writer George Sand was born as Amandine Dupin, or that Stalin was born as Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili?

It's always interesting to look at people's reasons for picking a particular pseudonym, inasfar as they are known. I believe that can tell you a lot about the person. Take a few examples from the spanking community. While some of us might just pick the first nickname that comes to our mind, there usually seems to be quite a bit of deliberation going into the choice. After all, you are going to be stuck with the name for a long time (unless you want to change it constantly) and you have to be able to identify with it. You have to be able to say: "This is me!"

Niki Flynn talks about how she picked her model name in her memoir Dances With Werewolves (p.39-40). After filming her debut movie with Lupus Pictures, she wanted a Czech-friendly model name, but one that would be pronounceable for non-Czechs as well. She picked Nicki as a first name because of Nicki Brand, a masochistic movie character from David Cronenberg's Videodrome. She easternised it by dropping the c, so it became Niki. She wanted an Irish surname and settled on Flynn, because Niki Flynn rhymed with Mickey Finn, a drug-laced drink used to incapacitate and take advantage of women. Sounds like her, doesn't it?

Pandora Blake describes her name-finding process in on not being a moth: wanted a mythical name, preferably from the classical canon, eventually chose Pandora, the first woman created by Zeus (actually, created by Hephaestus on the orders of Zeus), and the very traditionally English Blake, inspired by poet and painter William Blake, as a surname to "balance out" the Greek first name. Adele Haze basically combined the names of two book characters to get her model name, one from Jane Eyre and the other from Lolita, as she explains in an interview I did with her. My girlfriend Kaelah originally called herself K'Ehleyr, after a half-human, half-Klingon character from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The human side represents the "normal", day-to-day side, very thoughtful and analytical and quite shy at times, while the Klingon side represents the brave, more reckless warrior side in search of (kinky) adventure. It was also a sufficiently geeky name. We eventually decided to change it to Kaelah, which is more easily pronounceable and won't get us into conflict with Star Trek copyrights. As for me, it is well-known that I named myself after mad, eccentric king Ludwig II. of Bavaria. I went into the reasons in the first post I ever made on this blog.

When you look at the amount of thought and, indeed, artistry that often goes into these pseudonyms, it gets difficult to cling to the idea that they are "just nicknames". I believe that, for many of us, whether we know it or not, they serve a purpose that is far more essential than protecting our birth names. I believe that they also have an aspect of alter ego to them, in the sense that they are, to some extent at least, idealised selves. By idealised, I do not mean that they are totally artificial constructs that have nothing in common with our real selves, or that they are "perfect" in some superhero-like way and have no weaknesses (actually, tradition demands that every superhero has at least one characteristic weakness, but let's not get into that). I simply mean that they, our kinky pseudonyms, emphasise certain personality traits which we want to show to the world. Perhaps because we regard them as particularly essential to ourselves, at least in the context of kink. Or perhaps because they are personality traits we wish we had, or wish we had more of. Or perhaps the pseudonyms represent to us certain types of experiences we wish we had, like the experiences of movie characters or book characters we name ourselves after. In any case, there often seems to be some kind of idealisation or wish-making process going on there.

It actually is not too different from what we do all the time in our day-to-day lives: whenever we talk to someone about ourselves, or write a diary entry about our thoughts and feelings, or write a curriculum vitae for an application for a new job, we have a subconscious (and at times conscious) "filter" at work that results in us emphasising certain things, downplaying others, and painting a certain picture overall. That picture does not always have to be perfect or present us only in the best possible light - as a matter of fact, one of the fundamental desires most of us have is to let those close to us know about our weaknesses, and to be liked in spite of them. Nonetheless, the pictures we paint of ourselves are usually an idealisation of one degree or another. Or even a fictionalisation: basically, you are telling a story about yourself, and on second thoughts, you will often find that not all elements of the story are perfectly in tune with what really happened at the time. It is not lying, because it does not happen to intentionally fool anyone. It is just our normal process of defining ourselves. Memory can be a tricky thing.

It is not unreasonable to assume that this process of idealisation and fictionalisation is even stronger when you are writing about erotic fantasies and fetishes, under a pseudonym, in an online community. A community where most people do not know your real name or much at all about your day-to-day life, where most people never meet you face to face or only at selective and somewhat unusual events (parties, video shoots), and where the whole subculture you belong to has certain "underground" traits. Again, this does not mean that we set out to create "false", fictional characters who are not ourselves here. But I believe that the process of self-defining which we are constantly going through tends to be a bit more disconnected from day-to-day reality in the kinky community, in the sense that we tend to be a little less concerned with who we are, and a little more concerned with who we want to be. It lies in the nature of erotic fantasy, and it is augmented by the semi-anonymous nature of the community.

In a follow-up post, I will tell you a bit about how I think this applies to "Ludwig", and what I think "he" is. For now, though, I am interested in hearing your opinions about my little theory here. Does it in any way describe what is going on with you and your kinky persona? Would you say that there is any degree of truth in it? Or is your kinky persona really just a nickname, period, end of story?

Scenes From A Kinky Marriage

(a drama in four acts)

Setting:

It's a rainy afternoon. Ludwig (L) is sitting in front of his computer, working hard for the sake of his dear blogreaders (read: downloading movies from Her First Punishment for reviews). He has been very busy with work on his computer for most of the day (writing kinky mails, reading wiki articles about history, watching sports and so on). His girlfriend Kaelah (K) is lying on the bed at the other end of the room. That's what she has done most of the day, since she is suffering from a bad cold. Because of being ill she seeks being pampered and is a bit unhappy with herself and the world as a whole...

Act 1: What are you doing?

K: What are you doing?
L: Downloading movies and pictures from Russian Slaves.
K: Why does that take so long?
L: There are about 60 movies online which I have to download. The access they gave me only lasts for about a week, and I want to review Russian Slaves for some time to come. So I have to get them all now. I'm also looking for good stills which I could later use for the reviews. (to himself) Damn it, sometimes it's really hard to find good pictures.
K: More than 60 movies?!? Congratulations, now you can write Russian Slaves reviews until the year 2100...
L: It's always better to have too much stuff than not having enough. (jokingly) And who knows, maybe Russian Slaves will be raided by the police one day, like Mood Pictures, and shut down. Then on the positive side at least it will give me time to catch up with the reviews.

Act 2: Lesbian love

By now, L is trying to match the pictures with the movies they belong to. That's a bit tricky because many videos share the same set or the same theme.
L: They really love their sports, these Russian spankos. 'Sports School in Moscow', 'Sports School in the Country', 'Angry Coach'... It's all about sports, sports, sports.
K: How exciting...
L: (undeterred, deliberately taking the sarcastic reply at face value) Yes, isn't it? Another frequent theme is girls being punished for having lesbian sex. You remember that hilarious monologue I quoted in my review of Her First Punishment? (he starts talking with an exaggerated Russian accent) Fuck! What's going on? Whores, why they engage in this here? Lesbian love! Thousand hungry mans around. What, it's not enough man for you? Must you stuff in pussy all sorts of rubbish? Whore! You violate healthy social atmosphere!
K: Oh, yes, I remember. Actually, that monologue already explains why those Russian girls prefer lesbian sex...
L: I wonder what Pandora would say about that spanking premise! (not too long before this conversation took place, Pandora had written a post titled spanked for being "slutty")
K: I'm quite sure she wouldn't like it.
L: (getting philosophical all of a sudden) I see her point, but I ask myself, is it really a consistent position to have? I mean, look. We see schoolgirl scenarios in spanking videos all the time. But of course, no one believes that the producers want to tell us that they support canings of real schoolgirls in real schools. We all understand that it is supposed to be purely an erotic fantasy, not an endorsement of any real-life educational practices. So, when it comes to spanking scenarios where girls are spanked for being 'slutty', or for having lesbian sex, why do we all of a sudden have this responsibility to not produce such material because someone might take it too seriously? Do we really need an official disclaimer in those cases, saying: we do not share the attitudes of the characters in this video? No one would think such a disclaimer is necessary for schoolgirl spanking videos, or that they should be avoided because they might be misunderstood!
K: You're right, but I think it depends on what is important to someone and on one's own experiences. There is still a lot of discrimination against homosexuality in the real world, also in the European countries, and Pandora is fighting against it. I guess that's why she wouldn't like spanking movies with that premise. But I guess the male viewers do, because it means lesbian sex plus spanking.
L: I don't.
K: Hey, when I'm going to switch one day we could do a scene containing the same kind of prejudiced stereotypes against men. (a happy smile appears on her face)
L (suspiciously): What...?
K (sarcastically): 'Spanked for watching porn!'
L (grinning): No thanks.
K (muttering): I wouldn't even have to pretend anything...
L: We should write a post about this conversation.
K: Nope.
L: Why not?
K: Too personal...
L: Aah, I see...

Act 3: The Russian bulldog

L is focusing completely on his work again, mumbling from time to time.
K: How much longer does this take?
L: I've got more than fifty movies now and I have to select pictures for the rest.
K: Why do you select the pictures now? The galleries are freely available and you could choose the pictures when you write the reviews.
L: I want everything complete now. Neatly and structured.
K: Oh yes, like in that drawer of yours where you put everything that seems worth keeping, just in case...
L: That is a matter of priorities. My movie collection is always arranged in proper order, as well as my music collection. Speaking of which: Don't forget to put those CDs you've taken from the shelf back where they belong. And I mean in exactly the right place.
K (now sulking): Have I ever not put one of your belongings back where it belongs? You might be an INFJ and I am an INTJ, but my J is much stronger than yours!
L: Just warning you beforehand...
K's answer is just a snarl.
L: (still fighting with the pictures) Which movie do these belong to? They often use the same settings for different movies, you know?
K: That's efficiency.
L: Yes, and I guess their main top is only convincing in certain roles: sports trainer, military instructor and so on. That's why they often have similar scenarios. Spanked after sports, the sports lesson... By the way, since you are a wrestling fan, you are into guys with well-exercised bodies. You might like him.
K: Nope.
L: How do you know? We have never watched a Russian Slaves movie, yet, have we?
K: No, but I've seen his picture in one of your reviews on the blog. It's that bully guy, right?
L: Yes, but he really has a well-trained body.
K: Okay, okay, I'll have a look.
K gets out of bed, walks over to L, takes a short look at the pictures and violently shakes her head.
K: That guy? Are you kidding me? He's the when-I-grow-up-I-might-become-a-man-one-day type! Much too young for my taste. And secondly, he looks a bit like a bulldog. (she walks back to the bed) Sorry, but I would still prefer being spanked by Shawn Michaels.
L: Oh, I remember, you had that revealing dream the other day...

Act 4: Goldilocks

K: But from the pictures it seems that not all of their movies are as severe as I thought.
L: Yes, it varies a bit, obviously depending on the models and how far they want to go. They've got this enchanting blonde in the video here, for instance, but unfortunately she only does hand spankings. Really frustrating.
K: (icy voice) This "enchanting" blonde...
L: Yes, absolutely! (grins widely)
K: Oh, what a pity! Now you'll have to decide whether you want to review a movie containing the kind of severity you like, or one with beautiful goldilocks!
L: Are we in a sarcastic mood?
K: (now openly pouting) What kind of mood should I be in? I have a boyfriend who prefers downloading spanking porn and talking about the Russian version of goldilocks while another blonde woman, his ill girlfriend, is lying on his bed at the other end of the room, longing for some attention and a good...
L grins, walks over to the bed, gets down on all fours next to K and imitates a barking dachshund, making fun of K, until he starts choking and caughing. Then he stands up again and walks back to his computer.
K (after him): Go and suffocate!
She turns around sulking while L finishes his hard work.

Moral:

1.) It's hard to do a good job for your blogreaders with a jealous girlfriend permanently seeking your attention. 2.) Life is equally hard with a boyfriend who is sometimes more interested in reviewing spanking porn than in having a good, hard and wild ... ahem ... love encounter ... with his girlfriend. 3.) Last but not least, kinky couples are quite similar to vanilla couples, even though the topics of their conversations may be slightly different.