Saturday, October 31, 2009

Kaelah's Corner (Oct 2009):

This is part two of my post about my personal fantasies. Last month I wrote about the different kinds of scenarios I have on my mind and how they changed and developed over time. It was very enlightening for me to write down my own fantasies, to sort and categorize them. This did not only help me to get an overview of my kinky desires and personal development. It also helped me to understand why certain scenarios don’t work for me – at least not at the moment.

My personal limits have been worrying me for quite a while – and they sometimes still do. I often have the feeling that the scenes that work for me and which I would like to play out are very limited compared with the fantasies others describe.

That is not a problem per se, but it becomes one when it gives me the feeling that I can’t fulfil Ludwig’s desires and fantasies. As a top, he is more open for different kinds of scenarios than I am as a bottom. He says that he is happy in our relationship, and I know that he would never force me to overstep my personal limits. But still, I sometimes have a bad conscience. And it gives me a bad feeling that I can’t share his enthusiasm about certain scenarios and experiences he has made. I already wrote about that issue in one of my comments on Ludwig’s shoot with Mood Pictures. I still haven’t seen the resulting film, yet.

So, for a long time I only focused on what doesn’t work and desperately tried to find a way to “overcome” my boundaries. I want Ludwig’s and my relationship to be very exclusive. This means that I don’t want him to engage in spanking play with others. I’ll write more about that in my future posts. Just that much – I now know why I’m so jealous and have such strict limits concerning this topic. It has to do with my spanking fantasies as well as with what I’m seeking in a love relationship.

Since I’m longing for that exclusiveness, my biggest fear is, of course, not being “enough” for Ludwig. I’ve been afraid that my limits would result in Ludwig finding himself someone else with whom to explore those kinds of fantasies I can’t share. That’s why I’ve seen my boundaries as a stain I have to get rid of.

And Ludwig is much more experienced and has been part of the scene for much longer than me. In his mind, that is not a problem at all. But for me, it created pressure to keep up with him in order to reach a point at some time in the future when we would be at eye level. I’ve also been afraid that Ludwig wouldn’t consider me to be tough or courageous enough for him. I have often had the impression that what I have to offer can’t compete with the experiences Ludwig made in the past, especially with those he shared with Niki Flynn. Not only is she a beautiful, courageous and experienced woman; the two of them also shared an enthusiasm for dark and sometimes hard scenes which I can hardly eroticise. These thoughts have also made me think that I must learn as much as I can and make as many experiences as possible in order to become an equal mate for Ludwig. Again, the question of trying to keep up with a more experienced partner is an interesting topic of its own – so I might better discuss it in more detail in another post. For now, I just mentioned it to illustrate why I have felt such a high pressure to expand my boundaries.

Furthermore, I have the feeling that my fantasies and the mindsets I’m seeking are quite uncommon. Usually, I’m very comfortable with being different from others. But in this case, I have simply felt insufficient. I always stuck to the rule that people either accept and like me the way I am or they don’t – and then it’s their problem, not mine. This is the first time I want to be an accepted member of a community. The reason is that the kinky world means a lot to Ludwig and I want to be liked and accepted by the people who are important to him. I’ve never done something like that for someone else before and it has made me feel very insecure.

The fact that my spanking desires seem to be so different from the fantasies others describe resulted in another strange episode. I developed the idea that if a) many other spankos longed for scenarios I didn’t seem to be able to eroticise, and if b) it made me feel that uncomfortable to think about overstepping my limits and trying those scenes, then maybe I just had issues with my kink and only pretended not to have those fantasies? So I started to mistrust myself and to feel more and more trapped. Ludwig of course realised that my thoughts were circling around certain scenarios which I told him I was NOT interested in. That confused him and made him suspicious about what really was behind all those thoughts, too.

The reason why I haven’t followed the urge to “overcome” my boundaries was that I already made the experience in the past that I shouldn’t overstep my personal limits – unless the aim was to ruin my health. So, instead, I was chasing my tail for quite some time and didn’t find a way out of the dilemma.

Luckily, talking a lot to Ludwig and writing down my fantasies helped me to see things in a new light. First of all, I’m absolutely sure now that I don’t have any issues with my kink. I really can’t eroticise certain scenarios at the moment because my fantasies and desires are simply different.

Dealing with the other fears I described is a bit more difficult, though. But I’ve calmed down a bit by now and try to take things easier. Ludwig hasn’t got any problems not to engage in private play with others (as long as this isn’t anything I want to try) and to focus on the development of our relationship. This makes me feel more secure and less under pressure. And although I can’t cover all the scenarios that would be interesting for him, there is still a lot to explore together that’ll keep us busy for quite a while.

So, there is no need to “overcome” any boundaries. I’m not sure why I developed the idea that I need to share every sexual spanking fantasy others have. After all, this is not a competition. It’s about exploring personal intimate desires with someone one trusts. And I have found that special someone for me, who tells me that he loves me and that I’m good enough for him.

Still, it is interesting to have a closer look at what doesn’t currently work for me. Not to make a list of limits I have to get rid of, but as a basis to better understand my longings and desires, and as a complement view of what my personal kinky fantasies are all about.

So, what are the things I don’t want to try at the moment? To name them in a short list: I don’t long for “Being Broken”, “Real Life Domestic Discipline”, “Dark Scenes” and “Playing With Others / Strangers”.

Being Broken

I already described in part one of this post that most of my spanking fantasies today are about rituals, growth, self-confidence, warriors and heroines. Being broken clearly doesn't fit into that frame. Furthermore, I associate being broken with overstepping my limits. That's something I have done in the past, something that's connected with very negative memories and feelings. I want my spanking experiences to be encouraging, not to show me my boundaries and what I can't take. I know that many spankees experience being broken, surviving and standing up again as something very cathartic and empowering. But for me, it would already feel like not having respected my own limits and having gone one step too far (again).

On the other hand, I want to feel the spanking and don't want to play too soft. Mere love taps might be nice from time to time, but usually I like to feel a little bit more to be satisfied. Finding the right balance is the difficult challenge for Ludwig, as the top. Luckily, he likes my rather quiet and controlled reactions. But they also waken his desire to produce some stronger reactions by pushing a bit harder. Or, as he puts it: “With a rather quiet girl you can be sure that you really worked hard for every moan or writhing you get from her.” And of course - since he is a hard worker – Ludwig has already got louder reactions from me during a spanking; and tears, too.

Louder reactions and comments showing my discomfort are okay for me when I've got the impression that I've fought hard enough to be brave. It's more difficult with tears, though. They are too far away from the reactions I desire and find attractive. But I know that those situations are very special for Ludwig and that I'm completely safe with him. So in a way, that's okay, too, even if I don't get any positive feelings out of it. By the way, not wanting to cry during a spanking definitely hasn't got anything to do with a lack of trust towards Ludwig. I'm not ashamed of crying in his arms and asking him to hold me tight when I'm sad or feeling weak.

One thing is especially critical concerning my limit about being broken, though. As most of you know, Ludwig is a confessing severity freak. That doesn't mean he wants to play very hard all the time. First of all, Ludwig doesn't want to play all the time, anyway. Not taking into account spontaneous swats OTK, we only play every few weeks. And even then, the scenes can be quite light-hearted and not too hard. In fact, Ludwig is of the opinion that a really severe scene, going to the limit, is something one does very rarely. Perhaps only once or twice in a lifetime.

But I know that a part of him wants me to give him that personal present of a really severe scene with him at least once. I would love to do that for him and make that dream come true. And I also thought about the question of whether having experienced a Mood-like spanking myself would reduce the problems I'm having with those severe spanking movies. But there's a voice inside me warning me that my reactions on such a severe CP-scene are going to be so strong that I'm going to feel weak and broken afterwards, even if I somehow manage to get through it.

And I might reproach myself for letting Ludwig inflict such severe marks. Not wanting to injure my body too much is one of the core problems I have with my kink because I strongly believe that my body is a gift that should be treated with care and respect. It's okay for me as long as I've got the impression that I'm keeping a good balance. In case of such a severe scene I might have the feeling that I've gone too far concerning that issue, too. And I don't think that it would be positive for Ludwig's and my relationship if that happened. So I decided to give myself more time and wait until I feel ready for that experience one day- if that day ever comes...

Real Life Domestic Discipline

I don't need someone who tells me how to behave and how to live my life! As a matter of fact, I've taken care of those things on my own for several years now. And the only failure I might be guilty of is having been too strict with myself. Now that I've gotten more relaxed, I don't want another person to give me new rules to obey, again.

And even in case I have done something wrong, DD doesn't work for me for two reasons: First of all, I strongly believe that CP doesn't help to improve my behaviour. For me, it just fulfils a sexual desire. Secondly, taking a spanking doesn't reduce my guilt when I've hurt someone. I'm of the opinion that as an adult, the only way of dealing with a situation like that is trying to understand what went wrong, talking it through with those who got hurt, apologizing and being careful not to make the same mistake again.

Luckily, Ludwig isn't into real life DD, either. But he likes to connect kinky play to real life events. We already had such a scenario (again, another story of its own). I wasn't sure whether integrating my real life offence into our play would work for me or whether it would make things even worse. But Ludwig has got a good feeling for how to make it work for both of us. And I was reassured one more time how deeply I can trust him – that was the really great outcome for me of that particular scene.

Dark Scenes

I use the buzzword “Dark Scenes” in this context for all scenarios I would describe as being cold. This means that, in the scene, the spanker either uses the spankee as a plaything for his own wicked sadistic fun without showing any sympathy or doesn't care about the spankee at all. As I already described in the first part of this post, I'm seeking a close, positive connection between spanker and spankee in a role-play. That's why most of the horror, abuse, prison, interrogation scenarios and so on don't really work for me. However, there is one exception from that rule – my fantasies belonging into the “Klingon Sex” category.

Players With Others / Strangers

At the moment, my main focus lies on connecting and exploring fantasies with that one special person whom I belong to as a mate. This is something completely new for me – and something I've obviously been seeking for a very long time. Integrating other people into our play is something I still consider to interfere with the build-up of that special twosome connection. Therefore, watching Ludwig playing with others makes me feel insufficient, like just being a number (even if it's the number one), sad and jealous (because he shares those special experiences with someone else rather than with me). Fortunately, private play with others isn't that important for Ludwig. So we agreed on no private play with other people, at least as long as I don't have the desire to try it.

However, it is important for Ludwig to make video clips and to shoot a movie from time to time. So I know that this is something I can't take from him. Honestly, although I know that making a film is something completely different from our private play, it still hurts me. Ludwig is very patient with me and tries to help me dealing with it by explaining to me exactly what both things mean to him. I've understood that, for him, making films is all about creating a piece of art, combined with making a kind of field study in erotic fantasies. What scares me to death is the fact that it is vital for Ludwig to make movies with different female spankees he finds interesting and sexy. This makes me feel that no matter what I do, I will never be enough for him on that very personal field of sexuality. Maybe I will learn to see things as differentiated as Ludwig does some day in the future. But honestly, it isn't that easy.

So, these are the things I'm currently not interested in and some ideas of what that means for my relationship with Ludwig. What strikes me is seeing how much I have obviously been longing for finding a mate who stands by my side and whom I trust enough to explore my sexual desires with him. And I realised how much I want to come to rest at his side instead of always having to fight and to prove something. Even within my spanking fantasies, I don't want to be pushed over my limits. Instead, I want to be protected and encouraged and I simply want to fulfil my sexual desires without any further aims or musts. Just being there, feeling good, safe and energized.

Will my fantasies change in the future? Maybe! I wouldn't deny that the possibility is quite high to become more open for different experiences after a certain time of development. Will I try all those things I'm currently not interested in one day? I don't want to rule it out completely, but I don't think so. For example, I can't imagine that I'm going to crave real life domestic discipline one day. Am I curious about where the journey is going to take me / us? Yes, I definitely am! :-)

And, of course, I'm curious about your experiences with your own personal limits. Which boundaries do you have and why? Have they changed over time? Have you made experiences with different boundaries and fantasies in a kinky relationship? How do you deal with that? These are just some of the interesting questions. Whatever comes to your mind, please write it down and post it in the comment section!


Ursus Lewis said...

That's another great blog entry Kaelah! I start to discover my spanko word too (I had my first experiences three weeks ago). I think taking enough time for yourself is key. Not to be impatient with myself and not to rush through this phase is important. I need to learn a lot about my kink and because I have fantasies as bottom and top, it's even more complex. But reading your entry, shows me, there are other people dealing with similar thoughts and doubts and that helps much.

Thank you!

Indy said...

Another very interesting blog entry-- thanks, Kaelah! You've hit at least three very interesting topics-- our limits with respect to the types of scenes we do, how to accommodate those we value who have different desires, and exclusivity. In the interest of brevity, I'll just say that my list is pretty much the same as yours, except for the last one.

There seem to be roughly three schools of thought about exclusivity: spanking is part of sex and therefore to be shared only with my partner; spanking is part of sex, but sex is to be shared, too; and spanking is somehow sexual but not sex, so it can be shared even in a sexually exclusive relationship. Even though the last group is probably the least logically defensible, that's my stance. I've probably made a virtue of necessity, as I didn't have a partner with whom to explore spanking play. But I still think I'd want to play with others from time to time even in an exclusive sexual relationship. It's probably not a deal breaker, though, so who know?

Unknown said...

I seem to belong to a varient of Indy's school of thought. To me, kinky play is independant of sexual activities, although they may overlap. So I can engage in kinky play with those I'd not consider having sex with. My difference though is that I'm not really someone who'd be likely to end up in a strictly monogamous relationship in the first place. So, umm... that bit sort of doesn't apply. And I'm confusing myself, now...

I should probably point out that my definition of kinky behavour goes beyond spanking, although only includes limited elements of spanking. So... I often feel I shouldn't be commenting on these sort of blogs, because I have very little interest in paddles, minimal in hand spanking and mostly there in context, although a long standing fascination with canes. Which is why I lurk here. >.> Oh, and whips, but that is more... in a fantasy sense, not so much a 'I want to try this' one. I do know how to use an australian stockwhip, which is why I'd never consider using one on flesh (having a few accidental self inflicted scars is part of that).

The things I seek... are mostly sensations, so that does colour my views. One thing I have noted over recent years is that my limits have, well, stretched. Things that would have been unthinkable a few years ago gradually becoming acceptable, then interesting, then intriging. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The analytical part of my mind finds it curious but the more emotional sometimes finds that terrifying. A sort of 'where will it stop?' situation. I know it will continue, I don't know to what point. Where will my limits end?

I can't really comment about my fantasies, many of them aren't exactly... consistant. And I feel I've already blabbered on too much. This is one of the weirdest, disconnected rambles I've been guilty of posting on someone else's blog.

Kaelah said...

@ Indy:

I completely agree with you on the three different possibilities for the degree of exclusiveness. When I started exploring my kink I decided to make the same decision you have made. I very much wanted to explore my kink but I didn’t have a mate. So I decided that it would be okay to ask someone to introduce me into the world of spanking whom I liked and trusted as a friend but who wasn’t my partner. When we played for the first time, Ludwig and I weren’t mates.

If we hadn’t become a couple, then maybe I would also play with different people today. Although I think that there would have been a high possibility that I would have asked Ludwig to become a regular play partner and that I would have played only with very few other people in addition to that.

Now, that we have become mates, there is so much to explore together that I don’t miss anything and don’t feel the urge to play with others. And, since this is my first love relationship, I’m feeling quite insecure about that kind of openness, too. I think it is not uncommon that many people need a higher degree of exclusiveness at the beginning of their first love relationship ever, in order to feel more secure.

The only thing that bothers me is that Ludwig’s ideal for a relationship is very similar to your definition. He definitely doesn’t want vanilla sex with others; he doesn’t even need any private spanking play with other people. But he wants to make clips and films with different models and producers he likes. I hoped that I would be able to deal better with that but it is more difficult than I thought. I know that Ludwig isn’t my property and don’t want to treat him like that. But still I’m feeling sad about his desire to make erotic films with other women. For me, spanking is obviously very much a part of my “normal” sex life now (more than in your or Ludwig’s school of thought) and therefore something very intimate and special. And, of course, a part of me hoped that Ludwig wouldn’t have the desire to make films with other women any more after we had become a couple – that doing those things with me (or maybe making clips featuring the two of us plus others) would be enough for him. But this isn’t the case. So we have to find compromises both of us can live with.

(to be continued)

Kaelah said...

@ Indy:


The way of dealing with that issue on my behalf consists of three parts:

First of all, I try to share the film-making experience with Ludwig (like the trip to Lupus or a little private clip the two of us have made which is going to be posted soon). I also think about making a clip/film with him involving more people. I think this wouldn’t be a problem for me as long as I like and trust the people involved. And I understand that this is more interesting for Ludwig because it makes more complex and interesting storylines possible. If we share some of the film-making experiences, then I might become more relaxed concerning Ludwig’s film-making projects I’m not (actively) involved in. Those are the most difficult projects for me because they give me the feeling that Ludwig doesn’t only want to include others but I’m also excluded from the experience. Which isn’t really true, I might not be actively included but Ludwig always tells me how much he enjoys being accompanied by me, even if I’m not taking part actively.

Secondly, I asked Ludwig to reduce the speed and to give me some time to catch my breath before he starts his next film project.

And last but not least, I try to work on my insecurities and to learn to let go without being afraid of just being one girl of many for Ludwig, in case I let him make spanking films with other women. That’s the most difficult part because it involves very strong and deep feelings and fears on my behalf – not exactly one of the core competences of an INTJ!

So, I think it’ll take some time until I’m really cool and relaxed about the film-making thing (and maybe I’ll never be completely relaxed), but I’m working on it. And maybe it’s like your choice of living out your spanking fantasies without having a partner – making a virtue out of necessity obviously can be very rewarding!

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus:

It’s great to read a comment on the subject from someone who has just recently started to explore the kinky world, like me! Since many of the bloggers are very experienced, it was one of my aims to write about the different topics from the point of view of someone who is a newbie. It’s good to hear that this really seems to be interesting for other newbies. That’s what I’ve hoped for. But it is very difficult for me to find out what is interesting for the readers, except when I’m getting comments on the posts!

I’m looking forward to hearing more about your experiences and thoughts and I wish you good luck for your explorations!

@ Morgrim:

It’s great that you are sharing your thoughts on the topic – especially when you’ve got another definition of kinky behaviour than some other people have. I think more variety is good and interesting!

To my mind, each of the three possible degrees of exclusiveness concerning spanking and vanilla sex is okay – as long as everyone involved feels happy with it. And I’m of the opinion that it is absolutely normal that one’s limits change and stretch over time (although the thought scares me a bit, too). BTW, do you really think there is someone out there whose fantasies are consistent? Mine aren’t… :-)

So, I don’t think that your comment consists of weird blabbering and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!

Caroline Grey said...

Kaelah, what a brae, solid, excellent, open post this was. Thank you. I have so much to say to your post...I think we have a lot in common! I will come back tomorrow and say a lot more, but I also wanted to say I'd love to email with you, about this sort of thing exactly. My email is

Arjuna (Cologne) said...

Dear Kaeleh & Ludwig,

I'm getting worried. Almost a month without an update is highly unusual for you. So what's up? Autumn depression (that will pass)? Traveling (nice)? Work (duh!) Better things to do (oh really...)?

Anyway, I hope you are ok.

Kaelah said...

Dear Arjuna,

thanks for asking after us. Actually, the reason for our absence is a mixture of different circumstances. A lot of work, vanilla responsibilities, a slight burn-out on my and a few days of illness on Ludwig's behalf and better things to do in the sparse time we manage to share with each other ;-) ...

But you may rest assured that you're going to read more from us again, soon. Ludwig is working on a few posts and the next edition of Kaelah's Corner is almost finished!