Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Movie Review: Drug Patrol

Pain4Fem (released in 2005)

Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Drug smugglers receive spankings and enemas from the cops

Victim Appeal:
After Bordello Patrol, this is volume two of Pain4Fem's "police stories", a series chronicling the exploits of Austrian policeman Karl Schwenk and his female assistant in the seedy underground of Vienna. Naturally, Schwenk is portrayed by company owner Peter Schober, and the female assistant this time is lovely Dominika, one of P4F's main stars. Alas, she only acts here and doesn't get spanked. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. As kinky videos go, she's not a bad actress.

The two female victims go by the names of Nina and Sandra. To my knowledge, this is their only appearance ever in a spanking flick, with Pain4Fem or anyone else. Red-haired Nina is obviously a native German speaker. It's the first time that I've seen a German working with P4F. She also seems a bit older than their average model, probably in her early thirties. Sandra is Czech, blond, and somewhat on the chubby side. I like her looks, and Nina's too. While they aren't quite as eye-candyish as some others I could think of, it's nice to see two women in a spanking flick for a change, rather than "girls".

Gratuitous Sadism:
The movie opens with the same intro as Bordello Patrol: Mozart's "Eine kleine Nachtmusik" plays over travelogue shots of Vienna, then the music morphs into a typical police thriller theme and we see Peter Schober doing his best cop impression, pointing a gun at the camera. It's cheesy stuff alright, but fun. Actually, "cheesy" is the word of the day here. I've seen plenty of ridiculous scripts in CP films, but Drug Patrol really takes the prize: the "Most Whacky Excuse for Giving Out a Few Spankings and an Enema" award.

As you can imagine, Sandra and Nina play drug smugglers. In their attire, they look more like hookers, but never mind. (How does a drug smuggler look, anyway? I don't know. Coming to think of it, I don't know any hookers, either.) The two of them get arrested by Schwenk and his assistant while they are hanging around at a children's playground, of all places. How's that for fear-mongering stereotypes perpetrated by - not against - kinky videos!

From then on, it's interrogation time at the police station. First off, they tie Sandra to a bench and Schwenk canes her. I don't know if this is supposed to be standard, legal procedure in the parallel universe depicted here, or police brutality. Who cares? She whimpers nicely. By my count, Sandra gets 45 strokes - this doesn't seem to be one of the P4F titles where they repeat strokes from different camera angles. In the end, she confesses that the drugs are hidden in her partner's rectum. Thank God she confessed! They probably would never have found them otherwise!

So, Nina is next. Schwenk puts her in the diaper position and thrashes her bottom with a wooden spoon. Apparently, he does this to get her to confirm where the drugs are. Why does he need confirmation? Why doesn't he just look? I gave up trying to make sense of the plot by this time. After a merry three minutes with the spoon, Nina admits: "I have them in my arse!" The cops give her an enema to "flush out" the drugs. Would that really work? Actually, I don't want to know. For the grand finale, they tie Nina to the leather-clad bench, her arms and legs spread in all four directions, and Schwenk gives her a severe caning that covers her newly drug-free arse with dark red stripes. After 32 strokes, he switches to another, heavier cane for 6 more.

In both Sandra's and Nina's caning scenes, Schwenk stops from time to time to spray some "salt water" over their welts. I find it theatrical and a bit silly, but I suppose it should be lauded as a flash of creativity nonetheless.

Best Reactions:
The Pain4Fem website states about Drug Patrol: "The extreme severity of the canings during the interrogation may make your skin crawl. This video is not for the fainthearted." In this case, there is some truth to the bombastic advertising lingo. While the film doesn't reach the viciousness of the other Eastern European producers, the scene with Nina is among the hardest which Pain4Fem have ever done. Her blood-curdling screams make for the most enjoyable reactions in the video, too.

Best Line:

When Schwenk gets frustrated with the first drug smuggler he interrogates, the Czech woman, he announces that a round of "special treatment" (read: a thrashing) is in order, and adds: "You will talk, believe me. Even in German. You will speak every language!"

Nice Psychological Touch:
In the opening scene, Schwenk is shown sitting around in the police station, reading a Mickey Mouse comic book. I'm still trying to figure out what that is. Product placement? Self-deprecating humour? An unexpected artistic statement of some kind?

How Good Is It Really?
I have mixed feelings about this one. It is not a bad spanking video. Actually, it has quite a few things going for it. Peter Schober is a natural at playing the brutal cop. Nina seemed to be into her role as well, and Dominika looked gorgeous standing in the background. The action scenes are good. All in all, a very solid effort.

I guess my complaint about Drug Patrol is that, given the potential, it could have been a lot better still. They had a German model, someone who speaks the same language as Peter Schober. But they didn't do much with it - in terms of story and dialogue, the film is uninspired, even by spanking porn standards. The final caning scene, while hard, is also a bit disappointing. It is just too slow and too talky. Sure, it's nice to see a thrashing where the players aren't totally mute, but their repetitive exchanges of "Where are your drug suppliers?" and "I can't tell you!" get boring fast. The gimmick of rubbing "salt water" into the spankee's welts is overused, too.

What You Learned:
The more I watch Pain4Fem's "police stories" series, with its illegal immigrant prostitutes and drug smugglers who hang around at children's playgrounds, the more I realise that Peter Schober is for spanking films what Ted Nugent is for rock music. I mean, the guy should have been a policeman. Or a judge. Or a law-and-order politician. Or, better still, all of those at the same time, so that he can combine executive, judiciary and legislative powers in one person. That would be awesome. Well, in a movie, not in real life!

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