Monday, November 30, 2009

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2009):
Open Your Mind

Everything has got it's time in life -
use that time wisely
and never forget
that the definition of our lives
is our mortality;
and nothing lasts forever.

This post is about Ludwig's and my relationship – how it began, how I became his mate and what having a partner means to me today. I'm going to split the post into two parts again. Today's post describes the development of our relationship from my perspective. Part two is going to be about what being mates means to me in general and how the two of us are living that concept today.

I met Ludwig at a point in my life when I had already gotten used to the thought of not finding a man to share my life with. I had been single for many years and there didn't seem to be a high possibility for a change any time soon. So, I had made plans for a family life without a partner and felt quite happy with the ideas I had for my future. Although I never denied the fact that having the "full package" would be the ultimate best way of living – at least from my point of view. But being single to my mind was still preferable over living together with someone who didn't really fit and whom I wasn't truly in love with.

There were a lot of necessary and sufficient conditions at the back of my mind which had to be fulfilled by a possible candidate. Being an INTJ, I simply didn't fall in love with someone who didn't match my requirements. "You'll never find a partner unless you scale down your expectations", that's a sentence I've heard more than once in my life. But that was something I couldn't really control. Hey, it's not like I made an explicit benefit analysis every time I met a new guy and decided not to fall in love with him in case the final score was below my expectations. But something like that happened implicitly and I simply didn't develop any stronger feelings for most of the men I met – with very few exceptions from that rule. I had learned to trust my intuition and somehow knew that my feelings would tell me if I came across the one I was looking for. And they did!

By the time I had developed a plan for my future I felt comfortable and happy with, I started exploring the internet on the topic of spanking. In addition to the personal development I had made at that time, the fact that I had stopped taking the anti-baby-pill which I had taken for many years (for medical reasons, not for contraception, obviously) might be one of the reasons why I started my exploration right at that time. Actually, with hindsight, I was quite shocked about how much the pill can sometimes suppress natural female desires...

So I made the decision to take some time to explore that part of me before I would go on with the other things I had planned to do. At first I read a lot of spanking stories. A little bit later I found the spanking clips on Spanking Tube. It was a fascinating new world for me and I spent quite a lot of time in front of my computer for several weeks. One day I stumbled across one of Ludwig's clips on Spanking Tube and followed the link to his blog. I started reading the blog regularly, being fascinated especially by the philosophical ramblings and the accounts of Ludwig's personal kink-related activities.

During the following weeks there was a growing impulse inside me to write a comment and to get into contact with Ludwig. However, since I didn't have any practical spanking experience and didn't know any other spankos personally, I didn't feel qualified for commenting on that topic. In addition, I didn't feel comfortable writing in English. So I fought an inner fight – until the Day of Delurk. When I read Ludwig's Day of Delurk-post I knew that this was what I had been waiting for. I wrote my little delurk post, crosschecked the grammar and vocabulary about ten times and finally hit the "Publish your comment"-button. Some days earlier I had already decided on the nickname I wanted to use – should I ever write a comment or become a member of one of the spanking forums. So at least that question had already been resolved beforehand.

In his next post, Ludwig wrote how happy he was about all the comments he got on the Global Day of Delurk. He especially mentioned the two „real“ delurkers who hadn't posted a comment on a spanking blog ever before – Rachel and me. This encouraged me to take the next step and write him a personal mail. Again, something I had never done before (not writing mails generally, but writing a personal mail to a stranger). At that time I already had a very strong feeling that Ludwig might be my key to the world of spanking. And there was another vague gut feel which told me that maybe, just maybe, he could even be more than that. Considering how I am wired this was absolutely strange. But the intuition was so strong that I just followed it.

And then – nothing happened. I checked my mails regularly, hoping for an answer. At that time, I didn't know how busy Ludwig usually is and I started getting disappointed. However, an inner voice still told me that Ludwig wasn't someone who didn't answer his mails, especially when they contained a personal introduction and the request for advice. The voice was right, ten days later I received an answer. I read Ludwig's mail and was stunned – all the questions he asked me about my kink and possible ways to explore it hit the mark and dominated my thoughts for the next days.

So our mail correspondence continued and the more I learned about Ludwig (and the guy behind the pseudonym, who is the one I have always really been interested in), the more it became obvious how much we had in common. In my second mail I told him about the picture of the Klingon mates that I had in my mind as an ideal conception for a partnership. Of course I wasn't talking about the two of us at that point. When I'm talking about looking for a mate, I have a picture of two strong animals in my mind – for example wolves or lions. They don't need a partner to survive, they are very well capable of taking care of themselves. But when they find their counterpart they can make the decision to continue their journey walking side by side. Not because they depend on each other, just because they realise that life is even better together. Of course I know that wolves and lions aren't really ticking like that. But this is the romantic picture I have for a perfect relationship. The German word "Gefährte" expresses that even better; it doesn't only mean mate, it can also be translated as companion, comrade, fellow and partner. It turned out that Ludwig liked the „Gefährten“-picture very much and that it fit his vision of a perfect intimate relationship very well.

The more I learned about Ludwig, the more it became obvious that he met all the expectations I had for a perfect mate. From reading his blog I already knew that he was well-educated, intelligent and an excellent writer. The video clips had shown me that he was also very handsome. Our mail conversation revealed that we shared the same kind of humour and liked similar styles of music. It also became clear that we had similar ideas about what constitutes a good relationship: Being honest with each other, talking openly about EVERYTHING, caring for one another but remaining self-dependent and meeting at eye level. Above that Ludwig fulfilled the last two necessary requirements I had – he didn't smoke and he didn't drink much alcohol.

There was just one big difference which could have been critical – Ludwig is an agnostic and I am a practising Christian. But it turned out that, first of all, our points of view concerning belief weren't really that different. And secondly, we could easily respect each other's position on that topic. And all the other different interests Ludwig had just made him more interesting for me. Still, finding a partner wasn't my top priority, exploring my kink with the help of someone more experienced was my main concern. But in the back of my head the little "potential partner benefit analysis calculator" added more and more to the score...

When we finally met it showed that the personal chemistry was also right. I felt very good, safe and comfortable at Ludwig's side. The rest of the story has already been written by him. To say it in my words – it turned out that Ludwig wasn't only my key to the world of spanking, I have finally found the mate I was always looking for!

Looking back, I'm quite sure that the fact that I had already given up the thought of finding a partner any time soon and had found an alternate plan for my future life was an important precondition for the relationship Ludwig and I are having now. While I always had that feeling that Ludwig might become a very special person for me, I didn't feel under pressure. I was happy about every new step we were taking, but there wasn't any necessity to reach a certain level (like having to find the partner for the rest of my life) or to hurry things. I could simply take the time to see what happened and how new developments made me feel; and when I found out that I was feeling comfortable I could take it one step further.

Interestingly, when I'm not being set under pressure things usually go very fast, and the same thing happened with our relationship. Ludwig once remarked that I made the same experiences which took him several years of time (exploring the internet about spanking, first contact with other spankos, first spanking, first relationship, first vanilla sex and so on) in less than one year. Honestly, after not having had a boyfriend for so many years and sometimes of course having asked myself whether there was something wrong with me, with Ludwig it all came quite naturally and without much thinking. There are some points where I'm setting myself under pressure, though. But that will be the topic of another post. I'm trying to become more relaxed concerning these things, to measure the pros and cons of different ways of dealing with them and to see where time takes us.

How about you? Have you ever made the experience that being happy with one’s vanilla life in combination with being open and living out one’s kink can lead to unexpected beautiful moments, good friendships or even love relationships? Please feel free to share your stories in the comment section!


! said...

That was a lovely post, Kaelah!
(I'm wondering how your name is pronounced. Is the "ae" really supposed to be an a with an umlaut?)

I couldn't help but smile when you mentioned the long time it took for you to get a response from Ludwig. When I first contacted him, it took him a while, but the email was also very long and detailed - clearly a sign of the effort he puts into answering his mail.

I am happy for you, that you have finally found someone to be with and that you are happy and enjoying life. I have also recently met a couple where the chemistry is just right. We are not in a poly relationship, as I am just a pet, but what I am getting at is how wonderful it can be when we take risks; such as meeting someone off the net.

I am looking forward to reading part II of your post!


Abel1234 said...

This is such a lovely piece of writing - especially having been lucky enough to spend time with both of you, so knowing how happy you seem together and what a great match you seem for each other.

As for beautiful moments, good friendships and love: the scene's brought all of them to me, and I feel really thankful and fortunate as a result.

Graham said...

I love this story so much.

I know we haven't met or anything, but from what I've read it seems we've got a lot in common -- I also very recently "came out" in the world of kink and real-life play, and can relate to a lot of what you've written.

What you say about all this happening at a time when you'd stopped worrying about it and released yourself from pressure is dead-on. In your case, it was planning a future without a partner -- for me, it was moving to rural Eastern Europe away from everyone I knew and basically being cut off from the internet, and thus the kinky world as I knew it, entirely. My attentions were totally focused on other things, I wasn't worried about romance or kink at all, and for once I was actually living in the moment and relaxed.

See, I also had that "perpetually single" thing going on, and for a lot of the reasons you cited (high expectations, difficulty working up strong feelings for someone, reserved nature, etc.) In college it plagued me to no end, but in the months before my kinky coming-out, I was very chill about it. It was by complete chance that I even started my spanking-themed blog (the circumstances involved an abrupt housing change, sudden access to internet and realizing how easy it is to blog after my friends convinced me to start a vanilla blog.)

And, well -- once I started my blog, everything escalated rapidly. In a couple short months I had plane tickets to England and an invitation to Lowewood Academy. I met my first kinky friends and had my first spanking experiences, and then some months later I went back and did it all again.

It's not quite the kinky klingon fairy tale you guys experienced (hee) -- I haven't found a long-term partner and probably won't until my lifestyle is a little less... well, rural Eastern European. But the experiences I have had have been incredible, and unexpected, and rather life-changing in their own right.

Um, I didn't mean to take up all your comment space with my life story -- sorry! But in response to your question, "Have you ever made the experience that being happy with one’s vanilla life in combination with being open and living out one’s kink can lead to unexpected beautiful moments" -- yes, yes, absolutely, and you've captured it perfectly. Thanks : )

Pandora Blake said...

I can relate to what you and Graham say about kink and romance blossoming once you've achieved independence from them! Tom was my first D/s relationship, when I was very young - 19, in my second year as an undergraduate. Our first relationship was very intense, very pure D/s, utterly life-changing, but really not sustainable because we weren't relating as two grown adults. I was a broken little girl leaning on him for mentoring and support.

We had to split up, I had to get used to the idea of life without him, heal from past trauma and start to love myself as an independent woman before we could make it work for good. And wow - these days the D/s might be more complicated to negotiate, but the relationship itself is so much sounder. I can absolutely stand behind the statement that the best partnerships are between independent equals. Sometimes fate just likes to mess with you by sending something just after you've got used to the idea of living without it - but actually, as well as ironic and frustrating, I think it can be a lot healthier discovering your joy in something free from needing it or depending on it!

Kaelah, I think your story is the ultimate kinky fairytale, and I really admire the way you and Ludwig have balanced patience and maturity in letting things develop at their own pace with opening yourselves to passion and intensity when they happened. Yay for you!

Kaelah said...

@ Rachel:

It’s good to hear that you’ve found a way of living out your kink you’re happy with! Being the pet of a nice couple; sounds like a very interesting constellation! I wonder how this relationship looks like in practice?! In case you like to share more information about that, you’re always welcome!

I think your first spanking experience was about two month earlier than mine. So, we almost started exploring our kink at the same time. I’m wondering, what do you think, how much has the kinky world influenced and changed your life? My life has been turned upside down, that’s for sure! ;-) Sometimes even a bit too much for my taste, since I’m also having a very busy vanilla life where I’ve also made some (unfortunately rather sad) incisive experiences this year.

The “ae” in Kaelah is rather pronounced like the German “e” (or the English “a”) than like “a umlaut”. You find a more detailed explanation of the meaning of the name and the pronunciation here:

@ Abel:

I’m glad you like the post! I’m always fascinated when I see how much the kinky world impacts your whole life! Compared to your way of living my life seems to be 95 percent vanilla… ;-)

@ Graham:

You’re not “taking up” comment space at all! Actually, I always hope for comments telling me something about the readers’ thoughts and experiences on the topics of my posts. I know that blogs can also work as a unidirectional form of communication but I prefer dialogues! So, thanks for sharing your story! I’m curious, what’s the “rural Eastern European lifestyle” all about? Sounds very interesting and special…

@ Pandora:

I think you’ve made some very important points here!

To my mind there are often three steps of personal development before many people are ready for a long term “adult love relationship”. At first one isn’t really grown-up and rather looking for a mentor to lean on than for an equal partner. Then one becomes independent and learns at first to accept, then to respect and love oneself. And step three to my mind is the time one feels self-confident enough to give up a part of one’s personal freedom again in order to build-up a love relationship with an equally self-dependent partner.

This time, giving up personal freedom by making agreements which considerate the needs of both partners is a sign of the respect and the dedication the two partners have rather than any form of infantile dependency. I think that really deep adult relationships require the willingness of both partners to take care of the different needs each other has and to search for compromises both are fine with. As you said, relationships between equal adults are more difficult than those between partners who aren’t meeting at eye level – but also so much more rewarding!

By the way, this new special quality of your relationship with Tom is very beautifully illustrated in some of your recent posts! “Pretty Distraction” (especially your comments on the meaning the commitment rings have for you) and “cornertime” for example touched me deeply and really impressed and inspired me! :-)

! said...

@ Kaelah: An email for you is on its way...probably to Ludwig's inbox.

Anonymous said...

I’m pleased to read about your relationship! Meeting someone after a little experience with others (vanilla or not) is often the better due to more realistic expectations then those we had when we first started dating. Obviously, kink can only be one flaccid of a multi- flaccid relationship and from your writing you seem to have these facts down pat. Bonnie’s bog: contains the best example of a great long-term relationship and one to strive to attain. All I can really add is don’t compare yourself to Ms. Flynn or any other. You have entered a friendship of greater dimension – back to that the fact that kink is only one flaccid. And besides, from the images posted in this bog, you are clearly beautiful women with a bottom any spank-o would love! Good Luck and enjoy each other. – Eric

Ursus Lewis said...

Awwww, Kaelah! I like to read your story. I'm not a very good blog reader recently. This is because I have a lot of kinky things going on and I still need to get used to it. But now, I found the time to read your blog entry.

I went through similar emotions. I denied my kinky self many years. But this spring I moved from Europe to USA. It was probably the most important thing to do to get out into the kinky world. Here in the States, I don't need to find excuses to go to parties or meet kinky people.

That's probably why this summer I finally started to get active in the Spanking scene. I read more blogs, started to comment on some, got to a chat of a local Spanking group. But I was still afraid to meet people or even more to play with somebody. But the people of this local group gave me a very warm welcome. So I felt safe enough to meet two of the members. That was key.

After this meeting, I went to a couple of parties and to a weekend held by this group. It was the relaxed and friendly atmosphere at this weekend in October where I played for my very fist time. Since then, in only a few weeks, I experienced I lot of other first times and this is one of my happiest period in my life so far.

And believe me, this blog (among others) and especially your story encouraged me to take this steps and explore my kinky world. Thank you Kaelah and Ludwig for this!

Kaelah said...

@ Eric:

I guess you are right, starting a relationship after some experience is certainly easier than the first try. I hadn't been dating men before I met Ludwig and this is also my first relationship. But, since I'm not 18 any more, I think I knew quite well what I wanted and needed, even though I didn't have much experience. Maybe my inexperience is one of the reasons why I sometimes feel a bit insecure and compare myself to other women, though. Thanks for the compliment – I hopefully will become more self-confident after a while… :-)

@ Ursus:

As you can see from my response time, I also haven’t always got time for the blog! ;-) It’s just good to hear from you and to read about your experiences and development once in a while (whenever you find the time)!

I didn’t deny my kinky self, but I just saw my kink as a kind of fantasy I had and couldn’t imagine to live out those fantasies for real. But sometimes certain events and rather strange paths lead to unexpected new developments…

I’m glad that Ludwig’s and my story has been one of the things that encouraged you to explore your own kink. Actually, this is the greatest feedback I’ve got on my writing so far. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello Kaelah,
My name is Ms. Sharon
A friend of mine suggested that I read this blog and I'm glad I took his advice.
This was very touching to read and I'm always interested in stories of "coming out" of other people in the scene.
I remember that just before my first real life kink experience I was sure that at the last moment I would change my mind, but I'm very happy I didn't.
A few of my relationships have been with people who shared my kink on one level or another, and from my experience it always made for a more open, honest, and fullfiling relationship. it also allowed me to explore my kink on a deeper level.

So I hope you keep writing, I think it inspires other people to take the plunge, and my experience was that acting my fantasies in real life changed my life, in a good way.

Kaelah said...

@ Ms. Sharon:

Welcome to the blog! It’s always nice to read the thoughts of someone who hasn’t commented on the blog so far.

I can remember the day I made my first spanking experience quite well. The ritual was due to start at sunset and in the afternoon I suddenly felt a bit sad and wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to try it out and whether I could meet Ludwig’s and my expectations. Ludwig calmed me down on the "expectations" thing and when the ceremony started and I was waiting in front of the door to be called in the panic was suddenly gone. And it was definitely worth taking the risk… :-)