Kaelah's Corner (Jan 2016): Why Are Some Women Reluctant To Spank Men?

A while ago, Hermione and her readers discussed a very intriguing topic at the spanking brunch. The question had been raised by Bogey from Our Bottoms Burn. I wrote a comment on Hermione's blog which I am going to reprint here with a few additional thoughts. I didn't want my comment on Hermione's blog becoming too long, certainly not as long as this post is going to be. Hopefully, you have a drink and a bite to eat at hand. This might take a while to read.

So the question I would like to talk about today is: Do you think that most women are reluctant to spank men? Why or why not?

Well, of course there is quite a number of female switches or tops who aren't reluctant to spank men at all. As a switch and someone who likes getting spanked as much as dishing out a spanking, I am one of them. But I think that there is indeed quite a large number of women who are reluctant to spank men. For instance, this becomes quite obvious when you read the comments on Hermione's post. I think I have come across quite a few reasons why women are reluctant to spank men. Here they are:

1.) Initial reluctance to top as a newbie:

I've experienced that myself. Even though I was never opposed to the thought of spanking another person, I preferred to make my first experiences in the scene as a bottom. That way I could rely on the guidance of an experienced top and get a feeling for how it is to be on the receiving end before topping another person. I've seen quite a few (especially young) women who started out as spankees only and developed into switches or maybe even exclusive tops after a while.

The same might be true for quite a few male kinksters as well. Ludwig, for instance, made his first experiences as a bottom, even though he already knew at that point that he was much more interested in topping. He didn't want to top someone without having experienced a spanking "from the other side", though, which is why he made his very first experiences on the receiving end. Fenris, who defines himself as a switch, also wrote in his account on his first more intense spanking experience which he made with Ludwig and me that bottoming was much less scary for him than topping, because the latter meant being responsible for another person's well-being and held the risk of hurting a play partner involuntarily because of his inexperience.

However, I think that, on average, I have heard of more women who took a very long time before trying to top than men. Especially the phenomenon of being interested in bottoming only at a very young age and only developing an interest in topping after several years is one that seems to be more widespread among women than among men, at least that is my impression from the blogs I have read.

2.) Personal sexual preferences:

Even among those for whom spanking is "just" a form of erotic play, some people simply only enjoy being on the giving or the receiving end. Maybe they even try out switching, but decide that it doesn't give them the thrill they are seeking.

One well-known person who comes to my mind, who I think fits this description very well, is Erica Scott. Those among you who have read her blog know that she has tried a few things over time and that her partner is a bottom, too (so she certainly hasn't got any prejudices against male bottoms). But obviously, Erica found out that being on the receiving end of a spanking is her core kink, the experience which pushes the right buttons for her, and so that's the way she plays. It's simply a matter of preferences, nothing more and nothing less.

3.) Spanking in D/s-, DD-, M/s-relationships:

The majority of men and women in these kinds of relationships only seem to practice spanking with their partner. It is more than sexual play here, though, it is about permanent roles in the relationship. One is the dominant / HOH / leader / daddy / master or however a certain couple defines the role, while the other is the submissive / follower / girl / slave (in an M/F-relationship, that is - of course, there are similar F/M-relationships as well).

I've come across very few exceptions from that rule, but it seems to me that usually the concept of these relationships connects the role of the spanker with the role of the leader and doesn't allow for any spanking experiences the other way round. So, if a woman in such a relationship sees herself as the submissive, she has no interest in switching because she wants her man to be in the role of the leader all the time and being the spanker is a part of that role.

I have to admit that this category is one that makes me feel a bit uneasy because of the permanent power imbalance which is inherent to them. Permanently giving up control to another person (at least concerning a certain number of important aspects of life) is something that in my mind doesn't really go together with living a life as a responsible, self-reliant adult. That's especially true when the amount of control covers all the basic aspects of life (of course not all of the above mentioned relationships go this far!) and when the submissive is also economically dependent on the top.

Of course, two things have to be taken into account, though. First of all, many "vanilla" relationships incorporate the same power imbalance and economic dependency of one partner. I've come across quite a few negative examples in my parents' and grandparents' generation, which is most probably why the concept raises such negative feelings on my behalf. But, and that's the more important second point: Every adult is of course free to decide how they want to live their lives. As long as they really have a free choice and their lifestyle doesn't affect others in a negative way or forces them to live in a way they are uncomfortable with, the very important rule "to each their own" applies. The concept doesn't have to be for me and maybe I even see certain possible dangers which go along with it, but that doesn't give me any right to tell others that they shouldn't live that way.

4.) Cultural background / traditional gender roles / religious beliefs about gender roles:

I think this approach is even more extreme than the last one I wrote about because it is based on the assumption that men and women generally have to fulfil certain ("naturally given") traditional gender roles which also define their role when it comes to (erotic) spanking. According to this belief, the fact that men are usually physically stronger than women also means that they are the natural leaders in a relationship who should take their (soft, submissive) woman in hand. Since spanking is seen as an expression of that male dominance and strength, there is only one "correct" way according to this belief - and that is a man spanking a woman.

This is a concept that really scares the hell out of me because it involves the belief in natural or God-given gender roles. And that means, of course, that someone who really believes in this must be of the opinion that these gender roles should apply to all people, not only to one's personal relationship. And that threatens my personal freedom of choice and life (having to live according to those traditional gender roles would be absolutely horrible for me).

Connecting physical strength with certain gender aspects like who should earn the money in a relationship is of course complete bullshit nowadays. There are still a few jobs which require physical strength, but most of our jobs in the developed world today don't. And arguing that gender roles should still be the same as they were hundreds of years ago because at that time physical power played a role doesn't really make any sense. Because with the same argument you wouldn't employ short-sighted people who would have struggled to survive and to do most jobs in the old times before glasses were invented.
 
I could go on like that covering one topic after another (for instance, child care), but I think you have already got my stance. And I am sure that I won't be able to convince those who believe in these traditional roles, anyway (after all, it's a belief, something that is usually very strong and carefully warded off against rational arguments!), while I don't have to convince those among you who have a similar view as me.

One last point I would like to mention: In my comment on concept three I said that of course every adult is free to choose their own lifestyle as long as free choice is indeed given. That's another aspect that makes me feel uncomfortable about the natural or God-given gender approach because it has usually been ingrained very deeply into a person as a child by their parents and / or religious teachers. As our long-time readers know, I once was a religious person, so I know how difficult it is to question religious beliefs which one has been taught during childhood. That's why I am a bit critical when it comes to the question whether choosing such a lifestyle is really based on freedom of choice. Mind you, our upraising influences all of us, but in this special case we are talking about concepts which are claimed to be natural or God-given. I would say it is much more difficult to question such concepts than those which we were taught simply with the argument that they are good or useful for us.

5.) The "Men who seek out being spanked or are spanked can't be real tops / are weak" approach:

I think this one is closely connected to number 4, but I guess you can also find it among women who only seek spankings for erotic fun and go to spanking parties. The idea behind it is that someone who isn't toppy / dominant all the time isn't a "real" top / dominant.

In my opinion, this approach causes even more problems for male switches than women who simply aren't interested in switching. Because even admitting that they have switched / are willing to switch in their play can make it difficult for them to find a play partner.

I guess I don't have to tell you that in my opinion this approach is bullshit, too, because in my opinion people can't be reduced to one trait or interest. When I am topping I like taking control and I very much enjoy what I am doing. When I am bottoming, I enjoy the opportunity of focussing on myself only. As a woman, I have to say that I always found male switches more attractive as tops, anyway, because they are willing to take what they dish out, which in my opinion is a sign of strength. Of course, I wouldn't want any guy to switch if it simply doesn't turn him on. But in my view, the really weak guys are those who would like to switch but aren't willing to admit it because they are scared that this might damage their dominant aura when topping.

So much for the reasons I have come across why some women are reluctant to spank men. I would like to add that especially number 4 seems to depend a lot on the country people live in – it is obviously much more common in the US than, for instance, here in Germany (where there are also quite many spanking parties for men who see spanking as erotic fun and like to be on the receiving end).

Now, this has become a really long post (I have warned you)! Maybe you would like to share your thoughts on the topic as well? It seemed like Bogey didn't get too many answers that helped him with his question at Hermione's brunch (most female commenters just said how wrong topping a guy would feel for them). So maybe you have come across a few more reasons which I haven't covered in my post why quite a few women are reluctant to spank men. Or maybe you would also like to share your personal experiences. You are very welcome to do so in the comment section of this post!

Eighth Blogiversary

Today is the eighth blogiversary of Rohrstock-Palast. Two years ago, I celebrated what is arguably the pefect number of years for a spanking blog: "six of the best". Last year, it was six of the best plus one. But I've run out of clever numerical interpretations now. I suppose it will just have to be number eight this year, plain and simple.

On second thoughts, the saying "eight is enough" comes to mind. I do expect this to be my final blogiversary. Then again, I said the same thing last year, and that obviously did not turn out as planned. As I wrote in my new year's post a few weeks ago, the blog will be going on a while longer, until we have edited and published all the videos we still have in store and wrapped up a couple of other things. It's difficult to find time for blogging and editing while Kaelah and I still have much work to do from the house move and various other things, but we will be slowly and steadily moving forward. In the meantime, you can all enjoy our ramblings a bit longer.

However, on this particular day, I find myself looking backward rather than forward. It's surreal to think that I started this blog fully eight years ago, on 25th January 2008. It almost seems like a different life. Certainly a very different phase of the same life. There were some big changes going on for me in 2008. One of them was starting this blog and embarking on this kind of strange, semi-public life in the online BDSM community. But that wasn't even the biggest change back then. There were others as well. And at the end of that year, I first "met" Kaelah when she delurked here on this blog. We first met face-to-face in the beginning of 2009, and the rest is history. Now I feel as if we have known each other forever. The more time passes, the more difficult I find it to think back to a time when we weren't together and to truly remember what life felt like then.

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that Rohrstock-Palast has become a boring couples blog after all, despite my strenuous attempts to avoid just that! And now that it has, I am very happy with it.

Most of the kinky people whom I was friends with in 2008, and who commented here on my earliest posts, are no longer around. They left the scene years ago. Some I am still in contact with, sporadically. Others have disappeared completely and I have no idea what they are doing today. It makes me sad sometimes. Rest assured, I am grateful for all the readers we have today, all the people who discovered this blog maybe three years ago, or one year ago, or just very recently. And whenever someone writes a comment, that is a nice thing, regardless of how long they have been around. I am grateful for all of you. But I do miss the old "gang" sometimes, the people who inspired me to start blogging in the first place. Niki Flynn, Indy, Adele Haze, Prefectdt... I do miss them. Perhaps that's what growing old feels like. People around you disappear one after the other, until eventually, you are the last one standing. In blogging, it only takes eight years rather than eighty.

So, I find that the eighth blogiversary is a happy date to celebrate, but mixed with quite a bit of melancholy. One eye laughing, the other weeping, that sort of thing. And before I spout off any more tiresome clichés, I had better wrap things up. Thank you for reading, as always. And stay tuned for what is still to come.

Kaelah's Corner (Dec 2015): New Horizons

Following a good 2015 tradition, my last Kaelah's Corner post for the year is of course belated as well. Fortunately, I am on the mend, but unfortunately I still have to take things slowly and keeping up with all the kinky and vanilla stuff I didn't manage to do during the past weeks takes longer than planned. For instance, I still haven't answered quite a few e-mails, some of them older than six months! I'm sorry for that, I hope I'll be able to reply to all of you, soon.

The past year has brought quite a few big changes for Ludwig and me, as Ludwig already wrote in his New Year post. And it looks like that will continue in 2016. We'll tell you more about it when the time is right and things are more concrete.

Unfortunately it looks like I won't be up for any kinky fun for a bit longer, though, until I have fully recovered from being sick. Don't worry, though, that leaves more time for editing clips and the like, so this blog surely won't turn vanilla!

And I still have discovered some interesting changes in my kinky fantasies, too, about which I would like to write a bit in today's post. As our long-time readers know, the majority of my kinky fantasies used to be formal ones. Ludwig and I had experimented a bit with a more sexual "master and slave" scenario (only a play scenario, not a M/s relationship!) a while ago, but then my interest in this scenario decreased.

Now the more sexually explicit fantasies have come back with a bang! And interestingly, this time not only with me on the receiving end, but as toppy fantasies as well. Those fantasies are much more BDSMy than my formal spanking fantasies and spanking only plays a minor part in them. It still surprises me what kind of practices I find appealing nowadays when it comes to those sexual fantasies. Intimate floggings, for instance, lighter forms of CBT, pegging, bondage and others.

It's not the severity that plays the most important role here, it's the sexual explicitness that turns me on. Those fantasies bring out a rather submissive and a rather dominant side, depending on the position I see myself in. Again, the thing is that in reality I haven't got a submissive bone in my body, which means that I of course only fantasize about being made to do things which turn me on.

Since I only play out those fantasies in my head right now, that means that a lot of scenarios are possible which I might not really want to try out for real. As you might know, I most certainly have an exhibitionist streak, so my fantasies often involve more than two active participants (men and women alike) and spectators.

I don't think I really want to try out all the things I am fantasizing about. And even if I did, some of them would be beyond the limit of what Ludwig is comfortable with as a bottom, which I of course respect! I have to admit that sometimes I can hardly hold back my dominant fantasies, though, when I am in the right mood and given how attractive he looks...

Right now, I simply enjoy the new fantasies, though. And I suppose that Ludwig and I will try out the one or other thing in the future (most certainly not on camera or in public, though, these things are much too intimate in our view). It seems that with a certain openness to new experiences life doesn't get boring. There are always new horizons, some of them just providing a nice view, some maybe also to be explored. It looks like 2016 definitely won't be a boring year!

I suppose that sooner or later my fantasies will swing back to more purist spanking scenarios again, too (those aren't completely lost right now, anyway, maybe just a bit less frequent). I'm curious to find out what the new year will bring.

How about you? Have you ever been surprised by any new or suddenly much stronger fantasies or kinks? Do you have scenarios / practices you love to fantasize about but which you wouldn't want to try out for real? And is it more difficult for you to write or talk about certain kinks compared to others (for me it is more difficult to write about sexually more explicit fantasies because they are more intimate in my view than "just" spanking)? I would love to hear about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

Happy New Year 2016!

Kaelah and I would like to wish you all a Happy New Year 2016. We hope that you had a "guten Rutsch", as the German saying goes, i.e. a good transition. We wish you contentment, good health and many happy hours with the people who are dear to you. Last but not least, we also wish you exciting kinky adventures in the coming twelve months.

This time last year, we did not expect that we would still be writing right now. As we had announced the previous November, it was our plan to close down the blog sometime during the spring or the summer at the latest, after a final, intense fireworks display of posts and videos. But things turned out differently. We both had a lot more work and other real-life duties to take care of in 2015 than we had anticipated. Among other things, we decided to move in together, which is happy news, but obviously takes a lot of time and work away from any kinky projects. Less happily, Kaelah went through a phase when she wasn't feeling fit and had to rest more than usual due to health reasons. Thankfully, it wasn't anything serious or permanent, and she is feeling much better by now. But again, it meant that she was not able to write for the blog or edit videos as often as she would have liked.

So, while we still plan on closing down the blog, the final phase is going slower and taking much longer than expected. We now intend to make our last post sometime in the autumn of 2016, which seems a fairly realistic date given all the videos we still want to edit and publish and all the other things we still have to wrap up. But keep in mind that this is a tentative date, and liable to be pushed back further if more unforseen developments crop up.

We still haven't published most of the videos we mentioned in the Happy New Year 2015 post, and made a couple more in 2015, like this school-themed one and that one outdoors. All in all, we have half a dozen videos in the pipeline, some of which are longer and more elaborate than anything we have done before. In addition, I plan on finally finishing Ludwig's story (my BDSM autobiography, as it were) and write down some other long-planned posts which will hopefully be of interest to you before I retire from blogging.

My only kinky new year resolution, then, is to try and get back to a more regular posting schedule than in 2015, and edit all of the videos we still have in store. What about you? Any specific spanking-related plans or resolutions for 2016?