The last days have been an emotional roller coaster for me, because the discussion about ethics and porn as well as the realization how little most of the things that I find over and over in the online spanking community appeal to me affected my health much more than it should have. I haven't written much about my feelings so far because I didn't want them to interfere with the moral discussion. Luckily, I'm already a bit better now and I've also gained more weight again (three days ago my scale showed an all-time low, at least since I became an adult).
Ludwig was incredibly supportive during the last days. Because he talked to me on the phone for hours, but he didn't tell me how to feel or what to do. Instead, he took me seriously, despite of my emotional state, he discussed his point of view with me and he was at my side in the online discussion. I'm very glad to have him as my mate! I know that many people tend to offer solutions when they talk to someone who is in a state of insecurity, and are upset if their advice isn't followed. And that doesn't work for me. Of course Ludwig also came up with ideas, but he left the decision-making to me.
On Saturday I went to my local sex shop to look for hand- and legcuffs which I knew they had on sale. I took a box from the shelf, went to the pay desk and handed it over to the sales assistant. “Could we open the package so that I can try them on, please?” - “Yes, of course, I would have opened it anyway.” She unpacked the cuffs and helped me to try the handcuffs on. They were incredibly soft and small enough to fit my wrists. I decided to buy them and also handed her a gift coupon for fruit gums. “Do you want boobs or willies?” she asked. “Hmm, if I want to share them with my boyfriend, it might be better to choose boobs?” I mused. But then I decided that I was in the mood for willies. “Right decision”, the shop assistant exclaimed, “these are your fruit gums then.” I smiled: “Luckily, my boyfriend isn't one of those guys who would be scared by fruit gum willies”. Yes, I'm really a lucky woman!
My little shopping tour had made me feel stronger and sexier again, so I decided to shoot some pics with my new toys. I fetched the camera and tripod, searched for a good place, activated the automatic release function and started to try different poses. I didn't use any artificial light, only the sunlight. I shifted back and forth between activating the camera, going into position, checking the result (pose, light, angle), adjusting the camera position if necessary and trying again. And all that with the hand- and legcuffs! Had anyone seen me, it would surely have been a funny sight... But finally I nailed it. Amelia-Jane Rutherford wrote a wonderful post about the beauty of subtlety and that's exactly how I wanted the photo to be. I loaded the pictures onto my PC and edited the photo I liked best, until I had the result which you can see above. Actually, I didn't have to do a lot of editing. I just cut out the relevant detail perspective and retouched a bag that had unfortunately partially been in the picture. The light and everything else was fine with me as it was.
I sent Ludwig the picture and I was so happy with it that I started thinking about posting it here. Now, this part of Ludwig's and my play is something about which I usually don't write much here on the blog. Why? First of all, because it is the most sexual form of play we have. The master – slave scenario that we have created is purely about sex. And, since I'm monogamous, this is something which I usually only share with my mate. And secondly, because I'm always afraid that people might get pictures like this one wrong and mistake me for someone who I am not and my kink for something which has no appeal for me.
When I am in the role of the sex slave, it doesn't make me feel small, it makes me feel womanly and desirable. When Ludwig ties me up and blindfolds me, it's not the feeling of being helpless that I enjoy. Instead being tied up and blindfolded makes me feel free, it gives me the freedom to concentrate on Ludwig's touch and on my fantasies. Pandora wrote a wonderful piece called Communicating by touch which is about the effects of sensory deprivation and resonates very much with my thoughts, although I'm not ready for trying ear plugs as well... However, I am indeed submissive in that kind of role play and enjoy being dominated by Ludwig, because what he does to me brings me a lot of pleasure! But I am only what Bogey aptly called a bedroom submissive, going back into alpha mode as soon as the scene is over. And I can only enjoy it because I know that this is only a fantasy universe and my real partnership with Ludwig is an equal one.
Interestingly the same is true for Ludwig. He always said that he enjoys the sadistic side of topping but isn't much into control and power play. It was only when I came up with the idea for a master – slave scenario that he developed very strong dominant fantasies as well. But he can only enjoy and explore them when I'm in a strong mood. Because to him these fantasies only have an appeal with a strong partner who isn't dependent in real life.
So, I finally decided to create an e-card for Ludwig out of the picture - and to share it with you. The ones who get it wrong won't take the time to look up my name, anyway. And the rest is going to understand that this is a gift for a wonderful mate. It also is for all those who are still looking for the one to share their fantasies and pleasures with and for those who have already found that special someone! Hope you like it. One final remark: The marks on my bottom are the last remainders of my severe scene at the video shoot with Pandora. They look much more like cane stripes now than they did on the day after the scene, right?
By the way, today I received another item for our kinky play. It's the “counterpart” of the cuffs, so to speak: a toppy dress which I purchased some weeks ago. I've created an e-card picture with me wearing that dress as well. Anyone interested in me posting it?