Zille has written a very interesting post titled “What to Wear to a Spanking Party?”, triggered by two posts on vanilla blogs she discovered. Both bloggers obviously aren't kinky and they both have never been to a spanking party. Amber Matassa, the author of the first post, seems to have her information from a friend and from spanking related websites. At the end of her post she offers links to Our Bottoms Burn and Chastenwood. Her post is a short summary on some basic information about the dress code at spanking parties. To me it seems that her advices often don't take the variety that exists in our scene into consideration, but at least she doesn't make any dismissive comments about us kinksters. Unlike the second blogger, Kenny. The title of his post Spanking Parties and Their Odd Etiquettes sets the tone for his whole blog entry. Kenny obviously based his post completely on Amber Matassa's, his own accomplishment consists of skewing some of her statements and adding the one or other derogative comment about us “weirdos”.
The two posts animated Zille to write her own account of “What to Wear to a Spanking Party?” and to ask fellow spanko bloggers to do the same, because as she put it: If we do this, our posts will filter in with (and hopefully in a google search, over ) the other search results, so that people who are honestly looking for what they should wear to a spanking party will find answers from us spankos, not vanillas using our “shock value” cache for their own good. It’s like a “Take Back The Night!” walk, but basically, it’s just about taking charge of our own little piece of the internet. We can and should use the “naughtiness factor” of what we write about to our own advantage so we can help out the newbie spankos who are just coming out of the closet and need trustworthy resources and good advice. There is no reason in this day and age that first-time-spanking-party-goers should not be able to find all they need to know to give them the courage to get out the door!
I'm absolutely with Zille and I like the idea of having several posts written by different spanking bloggers about this topic. I think it would be great for newbie spankos to get some advice from people who are in the scene and have made their own experiences with kinky parties, instead of just being connected to the theme via their sister in law's Persian cat who is befriended with a dachshund belonging to a hairdresser who once talked to a customer about spanking parties... At first I thought I couldn't contribute to the topic, though, because so far I have only attended one private spanking party organized by Abel as a surprise for Haron's birthday. So, I definitely haven't got much experience myself! But then it came to me that it might be interesting for some of the newbies in the scene to read an account written by someone who is also rather new to the topic and therefore can relate to the fears and questions many first-time attendees probably have. So, here are some of my thoughts on the party dress code and other related questions which might arise when preparing for one's first spanking party. I came down to five points which I think might be worth to check before taking the plunge:
1. Is there an official theme and / or dress code?
I've never been to a public spanking party myself, but I just saw a post about the upcoming “Night of the Cane” written by Leia-Ann Woods. The organizers make things quite simple for the visitors by giving them a list of outfits which are permitted due to their dress code: Leather, rubber, PVC, academic, uniform, TV, evening dress. To me this sounds good because it gives new attendees a guideline for their outfits, but one still has quite a lot of options to choose from. You also find photos from their parties of the years before on their website which give you quite a good impression of how a fitting dress could look like. Some parties might of course have a single theme, like “Back to school”. Haron's birthday party had a school theme and so Ludwig and I had to get us some adequate outfits. That meant suit and tie for Ludwig and a school uniform for me.
2. Can I ask people who are more experienced?
If you are unsure of what to wear or whether the outfit you have chosen is okay, why not ask people who know the dress code of the party? Your sources could be either bloggers who have been to one of the parties before and make a post about the upcoming party or your friends in the scene or the host, in case you are planning to visit a private party. Since we usually don't have school uniforms in Germany, I was very unsure of what to wear at Haron's party. I knew that most of the other guests were experienced role players and I wanted to be properly dressed. Furthermore, I wanted my school uniform to be as authentic as possible. So we asked Abel how a convincing school girl dress looked like. He listed up the different possible items and I tried to get a better idea of the looks by searching warehouse catalogues offering school uniforms. Then I went shopping and tried to find clothes that looked as realistic as possible. When my outfit was complete, I sent a photo of me in school uniform to Abel and got his approval. So, when we finally went to the party, I didn't have to worry much about my outfit any more, which was good because I was nervous enough, anyway!
3. What kind of dress am I comfortable with?
To my mind it is very important to not only look at the dress code when attending especially one's first party, but to make sure one feels comfortable with the chosen outfit. Of course it is usually good to be rather a bit over- than underdressed because the latter makes most people feel insecure, whether it is at a business event, a vanilla gathering or a kinky party. In addition to that most people look more attractive in elegant clothes which can make things easier. Like Zille wrote: Get out the nicely fitted trousers and a nice shirt or sweater — even dust off the suit — most spankees I know would rather be bent over some pin-stripes than a pair of jeans! But, if you aren't the suit guy or the evening dress lady and the dress code allows jeans as well, it might still be better to stick with the clothes that don't make you feel like you're wearing a carnival costume. Because you haven't won anything, if the girls or guys say to one another after the party: “Have you seen that smart guy / girl in that attractive suit / dress? What a mess that he / she looked so uncomfortable and insecure. I would have loved to play with him / her, but I didn't dare asking...“ I think no one will deny you just because you are wearing a (clean and fitting) jeans, as long as you are happy, open and don't look too worried.
I wasn't really comfortable with the school uniform at first, because I would have preferred a more “adult” outfit thinking that it would make it easier for me to chat with people at eye level. But since the party had a school theme, I wanted my uniform at least to be as authentic as possible in order to feel more secure among all those experienced players. Later I found out that most of the other girls didn't try to make their outfit look as realistic as I did. Some were dressed much sexier than I was. But the authentic looks had been important to me and wearing it made me feel more comfortable. Being a bit insecure at your first party is of course absolutely okay! From what I've been told and have read, many spankos are rather shy and not the party animals. I definitely was insecure at Haron's party and everyone was very nice to me and had a lot of sympathy for the “new girl”.
4. Are there any other rules?
I'm sure that most of the parties have some rules visitors should obey, like which grade of nudity is allowed in the public play areas, how to behave towards other guests and so on. Even the Bound Con fair has such rules which are published on their website. I found a nice overview of spanking party etiquette on the Shadow Lane website, which also includes some encouraging advices for visitors. At Abel's and Haron's party there were some rules, too. For example all play was at the second floor, while the first floor was for eating and chatting only. Closed doors meant that some people wanted to play a private scene, open doors meant that one was allowed to watch. For me, the etiquette is maybe even more important than the dress code, because following it and being sure that others do so as well makes it less likely to get into unpleasant situations.
5. What are my expectations and limits?
Answering that question beforehand to my mind is the most crucial task to make your first visit to a spanking party a success. Do you just want to watch others play, since this is your first party? Or do you want to play right away? In public or in private? Which kinds of scenes are you looking for? And concerning clothing: Which level of nudity and touch are you comfortable with (especially as a bottom)? I think having answered these questions for yourself can make you feel much more secure when going to a kinky party for the first time because you have a clear picture of what you do and don't want. In addition to that it allows you to take a closer look at which kind of party might be the right one for your first experience. Of course you don't have to stick to your plans, if things turn out to be different than you expected or your gut feeling tells you that you are much more / less in play mood than you thought!
When Abel invited Ludwig and me to Haron's surprise party, it was clear to me that I wasn't comfortable with playing with anyone else than my mate. Ludwig was okay with the prospect of not playing with others, even though he had done that occasionally with friends when he was single. But I didn't know whether the other party guests might be offended by someone who attended the party but didn't engage into any play with others. We asked Abel about it and he told us that it was perfectly okay. Even more, he hinted the information to the other tops, so that I didn't have to explain my limits during the party. That definitely made me feel much more comfortable because I didn't have to worry about disappointing anyone.
After Ludwig and I had chatted with the other guests for a while at Haron's party, we went upstairs and tried out several of Abel's and Haron's implements. We did it in private, doors closed. But afterwards we passed an open door, leading to a room where Cath and Abel were playing a scene. Abel signalled us that it was okay to watch, so we stopped by the door and admired Cath taking a hand tawsing from Abel. When the scene was over, we stepped into the room. Ludwig had never administered a hand tawsing before and I had never been spanked on the hands, so we were both curious. Cath offered Ludwig to try the tawse on her hands and he gave her a few smacks. I wanted to try it, too, so Ludwig gave me a short hand tawsing while Abel and Cath were watching. I hadn't planned to get spanked in front of others, but at that moment I knew that it was okay. I don't think that I would have been comfortable with a bare bottom spanking while others were watching, but a hand tawsing was just right. So, I made my first experience with being spanked in front of other kinksters that day, while still being in my comfort zone.
For me, the approach of thinking, communicating and asking a lot beforehand, but being open for changes and new experiences during the party worked out very well. I can definitely say that my first spanking party was a good experience! The credit for that of course also goes to Ludwig, who accompanied me to the party and looked after me, as well as Abel, Haron and their affectionate and inviting guests. So, choosing the right party with the right people might be the most important factor of all. Which means of course that the more experienced party attendees in our scene can help to create many positive first-time party experiences for newbies by making them feel respected and welcome, instead of maybe only checking whether their outfit is 100 per cent perfect...
How about you? How was your first spanking party? Which good or bad experiences have you made at kinky parties? How important is the outfit and the dress code when attending a party? Are there any other important factors one should take into account? Or are you still planning to visit your first spanking party? Have you got any questions that could be answered by other readers? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!