This is the last episode of my Kaelah's Corner posts about my years as a kinky blogger. And it is one of the most personal posts I have ever written. As some of you might have noticed, I skipped last month's corner post altogether because it was so difficult for me to write about this topic.
It all started in the summer 2013. By that time, my professional life became even more stressful than it had already been before. Simultaneously, Ludwig and I talked about our future, about moving in together, having children, the whole package. My father got ill and I even feared to lose him as I had lost my mother a few years before. And then it turned out that Ludwig struggled with some aspects of his (professional) life, too.
This all became too much for me and I started to worry that living together with a partner and raising a family maybe wasn't the right thing for me. I had the feeling that too much weight was on my shoulders and I couldn't carry it. As a result, my libido, which hadn't been very strong, anyway, faded completely.
As I already wrote in my last post, Ludwig and I hadn't had much sex the year before, either. That hadn't worried us, though. But this time it was different. Suddenly I had the feeling that something was wrong with us. If this was the right man, why didn't I want to have sex with him? If we were the perfect couple, why was I so worried about the future and felt like I had been caught in a trap?
Of course Ludwig was scared and disturbed as well. I didn't want to hurt him and I was ashamed of my feelings, especially because the insecurity set in at a time when he would have needed my support. So I tried to ignore the thoughts and feelings, not understanding what was going on. I tried to retain a normal sex life, but trying to convince my body that it should be up for something it wasn't up to made it all worse. Suddenly I started having panic attacks when Ludwig and I were physically close, even when we were just cuddling and not having sex.
I am not new to panic attacks, but I couldn't remember having had them in the context of physical closeness. Which was wrong. The occasions had been so rare, though, that I didn't realise at first that there had already been a pattern earlier. As you can imagine, this situation has had a tremendous (negative) influence on our life as a couple and of course we also thought about splitting up. But we didn't.
On our worst day, when we thought that we might not make it as a couple, we first cried a lot and then spent a long afternoon sitting in the sun talking about our relationship and what it meant to us. It was one of the days on which I realised that my mate is also my best friend. And that even in the darkest hour we deeply care for each other and treat each other with love and respect. So, instead of breaking up, we decided to fight and to work on our issues, as individuals and as a couple.
I've learned a lot of new things about myself during the last two years and about the meta-beliefs I have. To make it short, I have a commitment phobia. That's something which isn't uncommon in our society, but I think not many people who have this kind of anxiety realise it. Because often, it doesn't show in form of fear or panic, as in my case, but a simple feeling of uneasiness in a relationship.
There are two types of people with fear of commitment. The active types are the ones who when being in a relationship suddenly have the feeling of being trapped and of losing their freedom. Those people either insist on living in an open relationship or they push their partner away when the relationship becomes too close, start to look at all the things they don't like about their partner and finally decide that he or she (again) simply isn't Mr or Mrs Right and that they should continue their search for the perfect partner. The passive types usually wouldn't even guess that they are suffering from commitment phobia because they are deeply longing for a loving partner. For some reason, though, they always end up with a partner who can't give them the closeness they seek. The thing is, this has nothing to do with bad luck, it is a subconscious choice to protect them, because they couldn't deal with the closeness if they really found it.
As some of you might remember, Ludwig was my first real partner. I always thought that this was because I was picky and hadn't found Mr Right before. Today I am sure that this wasn't a coincidence. It was a protection mechanism. And choosing Ludwig wasn't a coincidence, either. Don't get me wrong, of course the main reason was our wonderful e-mail conversation and the chemistry we felt when we met each other in person. In addition to that we had quite a few interests in common, not only our kink which led to a great first-time spanking experience for me, and I felt that he was on a similar wave length. Plus of course Ludwig turned me on. But there were also a few more parameters which allowed me to take the risk of starting an adult love-relationship for the first time in my life.
Commitment phobia doesn't come up as long as one doesn't have the feeling that the partner wants more closeness than oneself. That was easy for me with Ludwig. First of all, Ludwig was the one who wrote a public blog and wanted to make kinky videos with others when we met. Secondly, we live far away from each other and I constantly had the feeling of seeing him not as often as I wanted to. Plus, Ludwig is a person who needs a lot of personal freedom, too. And he isn't the kind of guy who hastily starts a relationship or insists on a fast progression, which made it easy for me to take one step after another because it all happened on my conditions and in my speed.
In the summer 2013, the conditions had changed. Ludwig talked about moving in together and raising children while I suddenly started to get scared of the prospect. I wasn't in the mood for sex and kink but Ludwig of course still wanted to be close to me, at least from time to time. Ludwig had made almost every experience he longed for kink-wise and was ready to close down the blog and stop making videos, maybe even to stop making any kinky experiences with anyone else but me. But suddenly I longed for more openness and was scared of missing out on important experiences. That was why my fear of commitment broke through at that point.
We even thought about opening up our relationship to solve the problem, but we didn't do it. Because we both felt that it wouldn't have solved the root cause of the problem. It would just have been a way of reducing the symptoms and running away from the real issue.
Instead, we started to learn more about ourselves, each other and us as a couple. We gave each other time and tried to find a way that works for us. I know where my anxiety comes from and that I need to be more closely connected to myself and my needs in order to deal with it. I have also realised that I've made some negative experiences with physical closeness when I was younger and that this is reflected by my kinky fantasies (I'll write a separate post about this topic). I know the triggers and I can communicate them to Ludwig.
Still, the issue isn't solved completely, yet. Physical closeness still is a difficult topic, not to mention kink and sex. As you can imagine, it has been difficult to keep up a kinky blog during the last two years and it still is. Sometimes reading about kinky fantasies makes me very sad because they seem so far away for me. Sometimes kink even scares me.
But the most important thing is that Ludwig and I don't run away from the situation and each other. Ludwig is making good progress with his issues, too. We will soon move in together. Kink and blogging definitely isn't our most important issue right now. But we still have a few more posts to write and videos to post. And I want to write a bit more about commitment phobia, negative (physical) experiences and how that shows in my kinky fantasies. Because I am sure that I am not the only one out there who has made experiences like that and maybe my writing helps others to understand what is going on.
Right now, Ludwig and I are spending some holidays together. My inner struggling is still there but we are having a good time. It's nothing I take for granted. And it is something I am very grateful for.
It all started in the summer 2013. By that time, my professional life became even more stressful than it had already been before. Simultaneously, Ludwig and I talked about our future, about moving in together, having children, the whole package. My father got ill and I even feared to lose him as I had lost my mother a few years before. And then it turned out that Ludwig struggled with some aspects of his (professional) life, too.
This all became too much for me and I started to worry that living together with a partner and raising a family maybe wasn't the right thing for me. I had the feeling that too much weight was on my shoulders and I couldn't carry it. As a result, my libido, which hadn't been very strong, anyway, faded completely.
As I already wrote in my last post, Ludwig and I hadn't had much sex the year before, either. That hadn't worried us, though. But this time it was different. Suddenly I had the feeling that something was wrong with us. If this was the right man, why didn't I want to have sex with him? If we were the perfect couple, why was I so worried about the future and felt like I had been caught in a trap?
Of course Ludwig was scared and disturbed as well. I didn't want to hurt him and I was ashamed of my feelings, especially because the insecurity set in at a time when he would have needed my support. So I tried to ignore the thoughts and feelings, not understanding what was going on. I tried to retain a normal sex life, but trying to convince my body that it should be up for something it wasn't up to made it all worse. Suddenly I started having panic attacks when Ludwig and I were physically close, even when we were just cuddling and not having sex.
I am not new to panic attacks, but I couldn't remember having had them in the context of physical closeness. Which was wrong. The occasions had been so rare, though, that I didn't realise at first that there had already been a pattern earlier. As you can imagine, this situation has had a tremendous (negative) influence on our life as a couple and of course we also thought about splitting up. But we didn't.
On our worst day, when we thought that we might not make it as a couple, we first cried a lot and then spent a long afternoon sitting in the sun talking about our relationship and what it meant to us. It was one of the days on which I realised that my mate is also my best friend. And that even in the darkest hour we deeply care for each other and treat each other with love and respect. So, instead of breaking up, we decided to fight and to work on our issues, as individuals and as a couple.
I've learned a lot of new things about myself during the last two years and about the meta-beliefs I have. To make it short, I have a commitment phobia. That's something which isn't uncommon in our society, but I think not many people who have this kind of anxiety realise it. Because often, it doesn't show in form of fear or panic, as in my case, but a simple feeling of uneasiness in a relationship.
There are two types of people with fear of commitment. The active types are the ones who when being in a relationship suddenly have the feeling of being trapped and of losing their freedom. Those people either insist on living in an open relationship or they push their partner away when the relationship becomes too close, start to look at all the things they don't like about their partner and finally decide that he or she (again) simply isn't Mr or Mrs Right and that they should continue their search for the perfect partner. The passive types usually wouldn't even guess that they are suffering from commitment phobia because they are deeply longing for a loving partner. For some reason, though, they always end up with a partner who can't give them the closeness they seek. The thing is, this has nothing to do with bad luck, it is a subconscious choice to protect them, because they couldn't deal with the closeness if they really found it.
As some of you might remember, Ludwig was my first real partner. I always thought that this was because I was picky and hadn't found Mr Right before. Today I am sure that this wasn't a coincidence. It was a protection mechanism. And choosing Ludwig wasn't a coincidence, either. Don't get me wrong, of course the main reason was our wonderful e-mail conversation and the chemistry we felt when we met each other in person. In addition to that we had quite a few interests in common, not only our kink which led to a great first-time spanking experience for me, and I felt that he was on a similar wave length. Plus of course Ludwig turned me on. But there were also a few more parameters which allowed me to take the risk of starting an adult love-relationship for the first time in my life.
Commitment phobia doesn't come up as long as one doesn't have the feeling that the partner wants more closeness than oneself. That was easy for me with Ludwig. First of all, Ludwig was the one who wrote a public blog and wanted to make kinky videos with others when we met. Secondly, we live far away from each other and I constantly had the feeling of seeing him not as often as I wanted to. Plus, Ludwig is a person who needs a lot of personal freedom, too. And he isn't the kind of guy who hastily starts a relationship or insists on a fast progression, which made it easy for me to take one step after another because it all happened on my conditions and in my speed.
In the summer 2013, the conditions had changed. Ludwig talked about moving in together and raising children while I suddenly started to get scared of the prospect. I wasn't in the mood for sex and kink but Ludwig of course still wanted to be close to me, at least from time to time. Ludwig had made almost every experience he longed for kink-wise and was ready to close down the blog and stop making videos, maybe even to stop making any kinky experiences with anyone else but me. But suddenly I longed for more openness and was scared of missing out on important experiences. That was why my fear of commitment broke through at that point.
We even thought about opening up our relationship to solve the problem, but we didn't do it. Because we both felt that it wouldn't have solved the root cause of the problem. It would just have been a way of reducing the symptoms and running away from the real issue.
Instead, we started to learn more about ourselves, each other and us as a couple. We gave each other time and tried to find a way that works for us. I know where my anxiety comes from and that I need to be more closely connected to myself and my needs in order to deal with it. I have also realised that I've made some negative experiences with physical closeness when I was younger and that this is reflected by my kinky fantasies (I'll write a separate post about this topic). I know the triggers and I can communicate them to Ludwig.
Still, the issue isn't solved completely, yet. Physical closeness still is a difficult topic, not to mention kink and sex. As you can imagine, it has been difficult to keep up a kinky blog during the last two years and it still is. Sometimes reading about kinky fantasies makes me very sad because they seem so far away for me. Sometimes kink even scares me.
But the most important thing is that Ludwig and I don't run away from the situation and each other. Ludwig is making good progress with his issues, too. We will soon move in together. Kink and blogging definitely isn't our most important issue right now. But we still have a few more posts to write and videos to post. And I want to write a bit more about commitment phobia, negative (physical) experiences and how that shows in my kinky fantasies. Because I am sure that I am not the only one out there who has made experiences like that and maybe my writing helps others to understand what is going on.
Right now, Ludwig and I are spending some holidays together. My inner struggling is still there but we are having a good time. It's nothing I take for granted. And it is something I am very grateful for.
