Kaelah's Corner (Feb 2013): What am I Doing Here?

(Update 2013/03/04: It seems that Dee is back after only a few days. And she deleted the original final post.)

The spanking blogging community is a constantly changing universe. Bloggers disappear, old blogs are deleted, new blogs and bloggers turn up. Today, Dee decided to quit writing her own blog. In her final post she says (amongst other things): "I'm not going to be blogging anymore. Blogland isn't the same for me/to me anymore."

It raises a question which has already been on my mind for a few days, maybe because recently was the fourth anniversary of my very first spanking with Ludwig, and which I assume has occasionally crossed the minds of some of you as well: What am I doing here? Why am I here and what do I expect from the kinky online community?

When I think about that question, I come to the conclusion that the answer for me has changed several times from the day I came across the word "spanking" for the very first time and started lurking on blogs until now.

At first, I was very fascinated by having just found out how the kink I was fantasising about was called and that there were so many other people who shared it. All the stories and accounts that I read and the pictures I came across aroused me and fed my fantasies. At first, I was just reading and watching, being in the process of dealing with the new revelation and what it meant for me and my life.

After a while, though, I wanted to be a part of this, as a blog commenter. I wrote my first ever comment here on this blog (under my original nickname K'Ehleyr) and contacted Ludwig via e-mail. I was a bit shy about commenting, though, because I somehow didn't really feel entitled to voice my opinion, since I had never made any real erotic spanking experiences of my own. For instance, when Ludwig published the complete tapes of his caning which he received from Niki Flynn for the Comeuppance clip as a bonus, I didn't dare participating in the discussion about video viewer preferences that unfolded in the comment section. Because I thought: What gives me the right to voice an opinion about which kinds of reactions I want to see as a viewer as long as I haven't made any experiences with spanking myself and therefore don't know how it feels for the ones in front of the camera? With hindsight, I would say that my fear was unnecessary, but at that time I preferred to tell Ludwig about my thoughts in a private e-mail.

When I asked Ludwig to meet in person and whether he could imagine to introduce me to the world of erotic spanking, I hoped to become one of his scene friends, about whom he wrote in his posts. And when I finally prepared our very first scene, I thought that maybe he would like to write about it on the blog. I very much liked that thought and the idea of becoming a better known member of the kinky blogging community as well as an active spanko.

Then Ludwig and I became a couple and it was very clear to me that I wanted to be a regular part of the blog now. At that time Ludwig had just guest-topped for two of the biggest spanking video producers (Mood and Lupus), though, and he knew several spanking models as well. So, I felt that despite of being an active spanko then, I was still many steps behind him. I wanted Ludwig's scene friends, the other bloggers and the blog readers to see me as his equal mate, not only as the little girlfriend of the famous blogger and video star. And so, my start as a blogger was more about marking my territory and trying to keep up with Ludwig than about pure fun.

Over time, I became more and more self-confident, though. I met several of Ludwig's scene friends and started making my own contacts. We published our first spanking videos together. People seemed to like my posts. At that time, blogging helped me a lot to sort out my own thoughts. I very much enjoyed the discussions on our blog and the positive feedback. I also realised how much I liked publishing pictures and how much self-confidence it gave me. My journey became less about keeping up with Ludwig and more about me and my own fun as well as our explorations together as partners.

At that time, I invested more and more time into the online community, hoping to create a strong network of friends here. We travelled to meet fellow bloggers in the UK and the US and sometimes in Germany, too. But after a while, I had to acknowledge that we live too far away from most of our fellow bloggers to develop really close friendships. Because those usually require to meet each other in person, at least from time to time. And so I decided to be happy about interesting blog discussions, personal e-mail correspondence and the occasional real life meeting, but at the same time not to have any unrealistic expectations.

Since Ludwig decided to blog less which meant that I took over the main responsibility for our blog, I also had to decide where I wanted the blog to go. Yes, I like stats and numbers. Okay, one might also say that I am (at least a little bit) obsessed with numbers. In order to get a really high number of visitors, though, a spanking blog needs to be mainstream. Which means, M/F stories, lots of pictures and maybe also stories about submission and real life discipline because that's what a huge subsection of the spanking community is interested in.

For a while, I thought about becoming more engaged on DD / Ds blogs and the like because there is an increasing number of them and they have a high number of loyal commenters. But then I realised that the kind of erotic spanking which Ludwig and I practise and real life DD are two very different things. And I accepted that I simply don't belong to that part of our community and that my fantasies and my lifestyle lack too many aspects to allow me to write a blog which attracts a huge number of (at least the rather mainstream) spankos like, for instance, Bonnie's, Ronnie's or Hermione's blogs. I also accepted that certain topics which aren't mainstream (like M/M spankings, switching in an equal relationship or long philosophical ramblings) are very important to me. So, I decided to keep writing about them, even though they might be less interesting for many fellow spankos. To keep a kind of a balance, though, I made the decision to throw in the one or other fun post and picture post as well.

After having done this for a while now, though, I ask myself why I am (still) here today? I have to admit that I don't have a clear answer right now. When we discussed the topic, Ludwig mentioned one factor. I like to organise things and to keep them running smoothly. I think that's definitely a part of my motivation. Ludwig and I both put a lot of time into developing this blog, and I like the idea that we have regular readers and commenters who enjoy coming back.

There is more than that, though: I still definitely enjoy the creative acts of making photos and videos and the self-confidence that publishing them gives me. I also still like talking about thought-provoking topics, even though there are less spanking-related discussions which are interesting for me nowadays, since the discussions are of course often about recurring themes. I love to look at our stats and see how many visitors we have, but even more important are the comments that we get, especially when they are very thoughtful or personal. And I love the correspondence with readers and fellow bloggers (to some of whom I feel very close, sometimes despite of never having met them in person), even though I don't expect to find lots of close personal friends any more. I think the combination of all these things is the reason why I am still part of the online community and why I am still blogging, even though the initial enthusiasm has worn off.

How about you? What are you doing here? And, have things changed over time? I would be very happy to read your thoughts in the comment section! And I would like to encourage especially those who would like to participate but have the feeling that they aren't really active and recognized parts of the kinky online community, yet. You are all very welcome and you would make my day!

Holiday and Kinky Fun in Hungary

It has really happened! Finally, Ludwig and I had a few days off and took this chance to spend a holiday in Budapest. Most of the time we went sightseeing or simply relaxed. But there was some kink-related fun as well.

First of all, we came across the advertisement which you can see at the top of this post. Obviously, it is about a beer which was offered at a local bar. But honestly, who doesn't get any second thoughts when looking at the half-naked sexy devil pushing out her bottom so seductively? I am quite sure that the marketing manager who developed this advertisement must be one of us!

I had asked Ludwig to write an e-mail to Pedro, the Mood Pictures producer, and ask him whether he would like to meet us. We had planned to meet before, when Pedro was visiting Germany, but it had never worked out. This time it did, though, and we met for a lovely dinner.

I joked to Pedro that every time I visit an Eastern European country (Eastern from the German perspective; as Pedro rightfully pointed out, Hungary and the Czech Republic are of course in Central Europe), I end up in the car of an infamous porn producer. In Prague it had been the car belonging to Thomas Marco from Lupus Pictures. The funny thing is, while Ludwig has of course been a guest top for both, Lupus and Mood, I haven't ever worked for either producer.

Pedro is well aware that the videos which Mood produce aren't really my cup of tea. The wonderful thing about him, though, is that – in contrast to many of those who condemn Mood Pictures – Pedro is very well aware that preferences can differ and that only those should buy their products to whose kink the videos cater and who enjoy them. And despite of not being personally interested in, for instance, M/M scenes or funny scenes, Pedro showed a great interest in which kinds of scenes and videos I like and how kink works for me.

So we had not only a nice dinner together, but also a wonderful chat. We talked a lot about kink, of course, but also about movies, Star Wars (Pedro is a fan, big plus for him in my book!), politics and the like. The legal situation which Elite Pain and Mood are facing was explained by Pedro as well. Ludwig is going to give you a complete update about that soon in a separate post. Hours went by in the blink of an eye. Pedro for me is now filed under the label huge, intelligent and friendly teddy bear. Despite all that, most Mood Pictures videos would probably still scare me. But, as Pedro put it, that simply means that I don't belong to their target group, nothing more and nothing less.

We had asked Pedro to either bring us some of the infamous canes which they use at Mood Pictures or tell us where we could buy them, because like the canes one typically gets in Germany those are peeled and medium thick, but they are slightly heavier which makes them very good to handle. We used such a cane during our very first play and for my first really severe caning. Unfortunately, I broke it some time later while practising my caning technique. Sadly, the shop which sold the canes doesn't exist any more and the Mood crew now has to find other canes for their clips as well. So, Pedro could neither give us one of the old canes nor recommend a shop where we could get them.

Still, he brought us a different type of cane as a gift. It was a rather long, medium thick, unpeeled one. Ludwig and I tried it out when we were still in Budapest on the day before Valentine's Day. I had found a nice new corsage in a shop for only about 11.50 Euro (I tried on two pieces and took one home, that's how I like my shopping tours), and we used the opportunity not only for trying out the cane, but also for taking some lovely pictures. You will get to see those soon. Here is one preview picture, though, which doesn't fit the theme of the others because it shows me in a toppy pose. So this is for all those among you who are into female tops. You can also already catch a glimpse of the cane in this shot.

On Valentine's Day, Ludwig and I went on a wonderful sightseeing trip. Instead of buying each other presents, we decided to have a lovely special dinner which we both enjoyed very much. So, for us there is no need to have a separate Valentine's Day and a Steak and Blowjob Day. We simply try to make sure that we are both having a good time each day.

Ludwig told me a few days after our trip that I finally appear to be happier and calmer again. I guess it shows how strongly needed the holiday was. The time was too short to generate a longer-lasting effect, though, I fear. Thus I hope that we will have the opportunity to travel again for some days pretty soon. And who knows which kind of kinky adventures might await us then?

BDSM - Erotic Spanking - DD

In the newest edition of her Monday Morning Fika, Ana welcomed Fabian Black (aka Libby), author of M/M DD fiction as her guest. As you know, I am always thrilled to read about the topic of M/M on a blog which isn't exclusively for male gays, since I am of the opinion that the spanking community isn't inclusive enough when it comes to M/M.

In her guest article, Fabian Black raised a very different question, though, which was also discussed vividly in the comment section. I wanted to write a comment, too, but finally decided to publish a full blog post about the topic instead. It deals with the question about the relationship between BDSM, erotic spanking and domestic discipline.

Among other things, Fabian Black wrote: "In my opinion, which doesn’t stand for much I grant you, stories featuring DD tend to get less respect and have a lower profile than almost any other kind of fiction. It doesn’t matter what the pairing is, be it M/F, M/M, F/F or F/M, if it contains domestic discipline then it’s viewed with a faint derision. BDSM is considered the pinnacle of power exchange fiction. It gets a much higher profile and is somehow legitimised by its clear sexual focus and content, perhaps because society as a whole is more sexualised than it has ever been. Sex sells. BDSM has lots of sex. In comparison DD stories seem to be considered not just as a poor cousin to BDSM, but a relative so far removed they might as well be in exile."

I find Fabian Black's comment about the different profiles of BDSM and DD stories very interesting, because I often have the feeling that in parts of the spanking and in the very big DD blogging community, it is exactly the other way round. Spanking as a matter of discipline or at least pure discipline and erotic spanking is fine whereas BDSM is something people don't want anything to do with because it has a negative connotation for them, supposedly being all about strange fetish sex and leather and chains. That is just a side note and not the main point of today's post, though.

In the final paragraph of her post, Fabian Black concluded: "I don’t consider myself to be a writer of erotica, and maybe there are other authors of DD that feel the same way. I write literary fiction that just happens to feature elements of discipline and while it has some sensual elements it doesn’t fit the recognised criteria for erotica and certainly not for BDSM. If a reader finds a book listed under BDSM or spanking erotica then they’re going to expect certain things, such as leather scenarios along with whips and chains and other toys, and sex, lots of it, in amazing detail. BDSM is sex oriented, erotica is sex oriented. My stories don’t fit in those boxes because they don’t focus on sex and nor can they be crammed into the straightforward vanilla romance box, because of the discipline element. DD is kind of out on a limb. It’s a shame. There’s BDSM, there’s erotic spanking and then there’s DD fiction. Each has their own merits, but they’re essentially different things and deserve their own niche."
 
Renee Rose also highlighted the difference which she sees between BDSM and spanking / DD in her comment: "so great to read about M/M DD and I also seek to distinguish spanking from BDSM fiction. I find sometimes that BDSM readers don’t “get” discipline. As a spanko, I find it strange to hear that there are spankos out there who struggle with discipline vs erotic spanking. I’m way more turned on by discipline, but that’s the funny part isn’t it? I’m more *turned on* by it, so there’s pretending it isn’t sexual."

The thing is, I am a spanko who (in a certain way which I am going to explain in more detail) doesn't "get" the discipline aspect, either, and feels closer to the world of BDSM than to the world of DD. In my view, erotic spanking and DD are two very different things, not necessarily when it comes to the fantasy aspect, but certainly when we are talking about real life concepts. Like Renee Rose, I enjoy those fictional scenarios the most which are purely formal and don't contain any vanilla sex. Like her, what I enjoy about the stories or videos, though, is that they turn me on. So, in the end, it is all about sex. Which is not (necessarily) the case when it comes to real DD (not fun discipline role-playing), as Fabian Black pointed out in her post.

Now, first of all, even my fantasies usually don't involve domestic discipline. I normally prefer my fantasy characters to have a rather formal relationship, like teacher/student or captain/cadet. And I like the power exchange to be only temporary. For instance, the captain who disciplines a cadet once was a cadet himself, and subjected to the same kind of discipline, and he knows that some day in the future his protégé will be a leader in charge of the next generation of cadets. When it comes to couples and spanking, I prefer erotic spankings or scenarios which involve switching rather than a permanent power dynamic. So, even my spanking fantasies don't really fit to the typical DD scenario, even though I like formal scenarios and discipline settings.

When it comes to the real thing, the gap gets even wider. Because the idea of real life discipline in a partnership has about as much appeal to me as, for example, the idea of a real school in which consenting adults are subjected to CP for discipline reasons. The concept of consensual CP for real transgressions and discipline reasons in a love relationship completely escapes me, given my own needs, preferences and view on love relationships. I plan to write a separate post covering that subject in more detail one day. But in short, the idea of suffering in order to be released from feelings of guilt doesn't go together with my personal ideal of unconditional self-love and self-forgiveness which I am trying to achieve. And since I am highly intrinsically motivated, I can not relate to the idea of needing to be externally motivated to do things which are good for me through the threat of punishment, either.

The different attitudes also show when it comes to the typical male and female roles in relationships (or stories) which feature a (male) head of household. There was another post on Ana's blog a while ago about feminism and (M/F) DD, written by Cara Bristol. Among other things she wrote: "But getting back to M/F couples, even those spouses with the most egalitarian marriages still follow some traditional gender roles. Look at couples driving down the highway. Who’s usually behind the wheel? The man. Which gender usually stays home with a sick child? The woman. Who is considered the primary wage earner? The husband. What does the bride get at her shower? Gifts for the home or sexy lingerie. What does the groom get at his bachelor party? Drunk. When a woman has a high-powdered, high-paying career she usually marries a spouse with the same. She does not seek out a trophy househusband. […] And even though I’m a feminist, I like strong, macho aggressive men. And I damn sure like reading about them. As a fantasy, being swept off one’s feet by and surrendering to a strong, macho guy ranks pretty high on the list. Because a little tiny part inside wants to be cared for. Wants that Cinderella story."

I had to smile when I read Cara Bristol's little list because not a single point she mentioned (which, as I agree, are still quite common even today) applies to Ludwig and me. And I am neither into macho men, nor do I dream of being Cinderella. That said, I very much like the idea of having a strong, highly intelligent, independent knight at my side. It's just that I don't want to be the princess whom he rescues. I want to be his companion. I definitely expect my partner to catch me if I fall. But I want that to be mutual. That's why neither the stereotypical M/F DD fictional story nor the accounts written by real life M/F DD couples have all too much in common with my life or my kinky fantasies.

The same goes for the F/M variant, because I absolutely can't imagine to live in a relationship in which I am in charge all the time. I want a partner who follows his goals and treats me kindly without any need to be externally motivated. I neither want to be a permanent caretaker, nor do I want a man whose biggest pleasure is to serve me and submit to me.

That's why I, as a fan and practitioner of erotic spanking / CP, feel closer to the wider world of BDSM than to the world of (real life) domestic discipline. Of course I know that there are many spankos who practise both, erotic spanking and real life discipline, and I often have fantasies and interests in common with them. But the world of pure domestic discipline doesn't seem to have much in common with my very personal world of erotic spanking. While they both involve spanking / CP, the philosophies as well as the fantasies and / or life-style choices behind them are very different in my view.

Ban Porn – Save Our Women And Children!

You are here because the title of this post caught your interest? Great! Or maybe you are here because you want to look at the spanking porn on this blog? If so, shame on you! You are responsible for long-term damage to children and sexual violence against women. That's what the government of Iceland has found out.

You might tell me now that scientific studies conducted in the EU and in the US indicate that it is highly unlikely for children to stumble across pornography online without having explicitly searched for it and that the vast majority of the few children who do accidentally come across porn doesn't suffer any shock, either. But, are you sure? Since the argument that porn must be banned because it is dangerous for children has been repeated so many times by so many different people, there must be some truth to it, right?! Don't let those filthy scientists (who might already be corrupted by their own sexuality and porn) get in the way of the protection of our children! Oh, and don't even bring up cyber nannies and all that stuff. These softwares might be widely available, easy to configure and use and some of them even free of charge, but they would require parents to actively make an effort looking after their children, and invest entire minutes of their time. We can't expect them to do that, can we?

As for the women: The government of Iceland is supported by a professor of sociology and women’s studies from Boston named Gail Dines who is an anti-porn activist and says that porn harms the women who appear in it and violates their civil rights. She is a professor and a woman, so she must know best! Men who appear in porn are obviously not harmed, since they are not mentioned, but that's logical, isn't it? After all, men are strong and can look after themselves whereas women are more delicate and therefore need our protection and care. Women in porn might even think that what they do there happens consensually and out of their free will, but we know it better, don't we?

That's why the government of Iceland plans to ban online porn. Porn magazines are already prohibited, but until now the internet has still threatened children and women through the presentation of brutal, unloving sexual acts. Soon, after a Chinese-style firewall will have been installed, that huge danger will be eliminated. Hooray! And, as a positive side effect, women won't have to worry about their husbands watching porn any more. I am sure Iceland will be a much safer and happier country afterwards.

If my arguments haven't already been enough to convince you, let's take a look at what happens to people who come into contact with porn. Take me for an example. I am a soft, delicate woman, but instead of fighting for women's civil rights like Professor Dines, I have been so corrupted by porn that I even decided to participate in writing a blog about it. What's worse, I have published fetish pictures and videos and enjoyed it! Some days ago, I even had dinner with an infamous producer of porn that involves poor women getting beaten. And you know what? I liked him and thought that he resembled a very friendly and intelligent huge teddy bear (more about that in another post). I am obviously a very confused woman who clearly has forgotten who is the enemy. That kind of corruption must be avoided at all costs, don't you think?

And, since the importance of free speech and personal choice is highly overrated, anyway, I have some more suggestions: When I was a child, even at an older age, I was very easily disturbed by all kinds of TV films. For some reason, I never came across any disturbing porn, but I couldn't watch thrillers, I got scared if someone died in a family series and I even remember a Mickey Mouse episode set in a clock tower which caused me nightmares. So, please widen the ban, Iceland, there is much to do: films, songs, books, news magazines – the majority of them depict some kind of violence which can disturb innocent children! And adults spend too much time with them, anyway. What's worse, these evil instruments can lead people to believe in having their own opinions and taking free decisions on how to live their lives. They might even come across studies which prove that all of your talk about porn, disturbed children and violence against women is total nonsense and only a cheap attempt of covering your real intent, which is to force your own conservative, fear-driven, anti-carnal sexual mores on others.

The Patu – A Pervertible Implement from NZ

This is the second part of my series about our adventures in New Zealand. Part one was about some naughty outdoor pictures that we shot in the wonderful nature which this great country is famous for. This post is about a pervertible implement Ludwig and I came across. It is a traditional Māori combat weapon called Patu. When I saw it in a souvenir shop, I just had to take this wonderfully crafted specimen with me, even though it was quite expensive.

Traditionally, the Patu was a dangerous weapon which was used in combat. Here is what Wikipedia says about the Patu: "A patu is a generic term for a club or pounder used by the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand. The word patu in the Māori language means to strike, hit, beat, or subdue. [...] This type of short-handled clubs were handmade weapons used during inter-tribal wars. A patu is mainly used as a striking weapon. The blow administered with this weapon was a horizontal thrust straight from the shoulder at the enemy’s temple. If the foe could be grasped by the hair then the patu would be driven up under the ribs or jaw. Patu were made from hardwood, whale bone, or stone. The most prestigious material for the patu was pounamu (greenstone). Patu made from pounamu were generally called 'mere'. Maori decorated the patu by carving into the wood, bone or stone."

Ludwig and I discussed whether it was okay to write about the usage of a Patu as a spanking implement because special Patu made of greenstone can also have a spiritual quality. We don't want to give the impression that we don't take the Māori traditions seriously. But while our Patu is of beautiful craftsmanship, it is of course not a traditional one that holds any special spiritual value. Plus, and that is the main reason why I don't see our usage as an affront against the Māori culture, for us spanking is something positive, valuable, loving and empowering. In that respect, I even think that the symbolic meaning of the Patu fits our view of spanking very well. Because today, the Patu is often seen as a symbol of facing and overcoming life's challenges. So, in my opinion, it is a great pervertible implement especially for empowering scenes which are about rites of passage.

Our Patu is made of rimu, a tree which only grows in New Zealand. It is decorated with carvings and inlayed with a paua shell. It has a smooth surface but is rather thick (about 2 cm maximum) and heavy. So it has to be used with care as a spanking implement, unless one is okay with severe bruising. Even used with medium force, the Patu already definitely gets the spankee's attention. As you can see in the picture at the beginning of the post, it reddens the cheeks easily.

Ludwig let me bend over a chair with my hands on the seat for our little test session. As usual, there was no warm-up and we started directly on the bare. Ludwig started out rather lightly, though, producing a sensation that still included a surprisingly high amount of sting, given the heaviness of the implement. He really didn't need to use much force for me to feel the power of the Patu. Ludwig increased the severity a bit after a while, but didn't go really hard because he doesn't like the bull's-eye marks which can be caused by paddles and didn't want to cause any bruising.

When I complained afterwards about the marks not being strong enough for a picture, though, Ludwig grabbed the Patu again and gave me a few fast, slightly harder smacks. Those certainly had me squirming and ouching! I guess I better shouldn't mess with Ludwig when the Patu is somewhere nearby. It causes a wonderful warm glow afterwards, though. I guess we won't use it too often because Ludwig and I both aren't so much into paddles. But still, for us, our Patu is a nice pervertible implement and a wonderful reminder of a fascinating trip to a great country.

Catspace And Dogspace

(Kami looks like she is in subspace in this scene. Maybe the top is in topspace as well? Picture courtesy of Northern Spanking.)

In the kinky community, there is an ominous thing called subspace. The term refers to a state of mind which some bottoms reach after an intense scene that goes along with an endorphine rush. Those who have been there describe subspace as a place of bliss, happiness and lightness, of being at peace with the world and oneself. From what I have read, for instance on Erica's, Alex's or Lizzie and Craig's blog, it seems to me that the most common way to enter subspace is a long scene which reaches a certain level of intensity, at least in the end.

Since I am a control freak and since Ludwig prefers rather short scenes, I have never been there. I think the closest I got to subspace was during our very first play session and after my two severe canings. Ludwig usually does rather short but severe scenes as a bottom as well, and he is as much a control freak as I am, so he has never experienced subspace, either. I would love to try it, though, and asked Ludwig for an intense scene involving a one hour spanking with increasing severity, like the ones others often write about. Ludwig told me that he is fine with the idea, as long as I am okay with him reading a book while he is spanking me. Har har!

Which brings me to another question. Do you think that there is something like topspace, too? As I already said, the prospect of dishing out a long spanking using a variety of different implements doesn't hold much appeal for Ludwig. He enjoys short sharp shock scenes, but he doesn't think that he would go into any kind of topspace during a longer scene. It would just become repetitive and boring. The closest Ludwig ever came to an endorphine high as a top was at, or rather, after his Mood Pictures shoot and during our first play together. This obviously wasn't so much due to the action scenes, though, at least not due to the action alone. At the Mood shoot, it was the whole surreal experience of shooting a severe spanking video for an Eastern European producer that caused an endorphine rush. In our scene, it was the long preparation paying off, and the whole beautiful atmosphere and personal chemistry.

For me, the idea of a long scene as a top holds a certain appeal, though. And I think I can reach a certain state of mind when topping which could be called topspace. The first time I topped Ludwig on camera together with Leia-Ann Woods, I went into a very calm and at the same time positively excited state of mind during the whipping. And when I topped Pandora Blake in "Psychic Weapon C", a part of my mind went into the deliberating mindset of the soulless goon I was playing. This wasn't so much due to the action, though, it was due to the role I was playing. And of course, one part of my brain always remained focussed on Pandora's well-being, the interaction with Ludwig, Tom and Pandora and the camera.

(Catspace. Picture found on Wikipedia.)

There are two more states of mind, though, which are so genuinely linked to our personalities that Ludwig and I can enter them almost effortlessly. It only takes very simple triggers for us to get there. Ludwig's favourite relaxing headspace can be called catspace. I can get him there either by offering delicious food (then Ludwig gets that dreamy "tomcat got milk" look on his face) or by massaging his head. The latter makes him purr instantly. My natural relaxing headspace is the dogspace. Of course, good food works here as well. What is even better, though, is being tickled and groomed, especially when the attention is focussed on my arms, back, legs or feet. That gets me into happy dachshund mode (including happy dachshund sounds) within seconds.

How about you? Have you ever experienced subspace? What does it take for you to get there? Do you think that there is a thing like topspace as well? Have you been there? And do you have another special relaxing mindset, too? How would you call it? We are curious to hear about your experiences!

(That's how fast I run when I see a chance of being tickled and petted. Picture found on Wikipedia.)

On a side note: We might not be able to publish your comments as quickly as usually during the next week, so please be a bit patient. Enabling the moderation function was necessary because the spam attacks became so intense that more and more spam comments made it on the blog. With the help of the moderation function we can avoid that while at the same time making sure that you don't have to deal with any captchas when commenting.

Dr. Painlove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Safeword

Time, place and conditions had been settled beforehand. I was already very nervous as I climbed the stairs. I had told myself that it would be over soon, but I felt a bit shaky nonetheless. I pushed open the door and stepped in. For a moment I stood there rather lost, until a woman came to greet me. I reported to her why I was there and she asked me whether I had prepared myself for the things to come and brought everything with me as requested. I confirmed both.

Before long I was brought into a sterile room with a bench. The room had a small changing room attached. I was handed a pair of strange white knickers and was told to strip off my pants, change into the shirt I was supposed to bring with me and the knickers I had been handed. I did as I was instructed. When I came back into the room, I was told to climb on the bench. After some preparations I was left there alone.

The implement had already been laid out. It was long and definitely very flexible. The tail was thicker than I had expected. Maybe my memory was wrong, or maybe there were different types of these things? As it lay there only a few steps away from me curled up like a sleeping black snake, it somehow looked innocent and threatening at the same time.
 
I could see the minutes passing by on the clock on the wall. I was sitting there, in these strange white knickers, my shirt covering my modesty. My anticipation heightened with every minute. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was feeling weak. I tried to calm myself down. After all, this wasn't the first time for me. Yes, it had been painful the last time, but I had made it through. And the feeling of accomplishment afterwards had been great. Plus, this all served a higher purpose.

Then they came for me. There were three of them. The male boss and his two female assistants. In a way, they seemed friendly and sympathetic, but at the same time it was clear that they meant business. Without further ado, I was told to turn around. Unceremoniously, my knickers were ripped open. The boss picked up the implement and positioned himself. I was told to relax as much as possible. The more accepting I was, the less painful it would be. I knew there was no way back now. They would definitely bring their job to an end, no matter how. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, just like the last time. After all, I knew exactly how much I had coming. It didn't take me long to find out that this was much worse than the last time, though. This clearly wasn't my best day.

I had been told about my safety option beforehand. I knew that I was able to stop the pain immediately. I just had to say the magic word. But I was determined to make it through without. I am a control freak and I want to do things on my own conditions. So, I gritted my teeth and clutched the side of the bench with my hands. At times I thought that the pain was getting less and I might be able to deal with it. But then it became worse again, much worse. The two assistants tried to hold me in position as well as they could and I tried to be as obedient as possible. I was asked whether I wanted it to stop, but I shook my head with determination. The idea of giving up control seemed worse to me than the pain. I asked for a short break which was generously granted, and then it went on.

We were almost there, I knew it. But then, the pain became unbearable. I was struggling to keep the position, my mouth was dry and my body drenched in cold sweat. The assistants had problems holding me in position. And finally the point was reached at which I couldn't take it any more. I even did something very unusual for me, I cried out in pain. When I was asked again whether I wanted the pain to stop, I swallowed all my fears and my pride and said yes.

A short time later, I found myself in another room, dressed again and wrapped into a cozy blanket. I was surprised how good and fit I felt. Using my safeword had definitely been the right decision. Only that I should have done it earlier. I realised that my fears of the consequences had been completely unfounded. Soon I was able to get up again and face my tormentor. "That was embarrassing", I said as I sat down, thinking about my struggle and my stubbornness. "Not at all", he answered, "we were nearly through, but somehow I didn't manage to easily get into the last passage." He showed it to me on a picture. "The good news is, everything is fine. We took a few tissue samples, as we always do. See you again in five years."

I was relieved. This was what the whole procedure was all about. No colonoscopy can ever be as bad as finding out about colon cancer when it is too late already. And now I even know that the sedation isn't horrible at all and that one doesn't feel confused or shaky afterwards. In five years, my next colonoscopy will be completely painless.

So, even if you aren't into medical play, interrogation scenarios or judicials, that's no reason to skip those kinds of preventive medical examinations. Cancer sucks and regular check-ups increase your chances of not having to deal with chemotherapy, or worse, the diagnosis of being terminally ill. And if you are as strange as I am, you might even smile about the fact that you can take a pair of ripped kinky white knickers home with you as a souvenir and use your experience to create a perverted little story, knowing that you are well and fit and not having to worry about an (almost) invisible enemy.