Friday, June 8, 2012

Bonding in the Kinky (Online) Community


Due to sad recent events, both Mija and Indy have written very interesting posts about the question of ways and rituals to express one's sympathy in the online community, especially when an online friend is grieving for a close family member. When my mother died, I didn't write about it here because I have made the decision to blog about spanking-related topics only. But I e-mailed with some kinky friends about my situation and my feelings, especially with Indy and Peter. And the conversation with both of them meant a lot to me, even though they were far away and we couldn't get together so easily for a personal chat or hug. So, the hugs may have been virtual ones, but the words, the thoughts and the feelings were real. Which is all that matters in my view.

Some time after her death, my Mum played a prominent role in one of my posts, in the context of a philosophical rambling. She had been such a wonderful support at the time I got to know Ludwig and started exploring my kink that I felt she deserved a special post here on the blog. And so I published Does Your Mother Know?, a post about the question whether to tell family members about one's kink. The post was mainly about the special relationship which I had with my Mum and about how she trusted me and supported me in my new explorations, even though the idea of erotic spanking didn't make any sense to her.

I got some very touching comments on that post, some from people with whom I had exchanged lots of thoughts before, like Ursus Lewis, and some from people whom I hadn't ever heard of earlier, like Tina. All of those comments meant a lot to me. And then, for reasons that I don't understand until today, I found out that my post had been Chrossed. I am not sure, but I guess the topic of how much to tell one's family and friends about one's kink somehow raised Chross's interest. Whatever it was that made Chross post a link in his "Spankings of the Week", the fact that lots of people would read about how wonderful and special my mother was moved me a lot.

This all made me think about the more general question of how bonding in the kinky (online) community works and what we are expecting from people whom we meet here. I guess for me the answer is that I only see a very small number of people in the kinky community as really close friends. They are those with whom I not only communicate via blog comments, but also in private e-mails. They are those whom I have met in person, even if long distances make these meetings rare. They are the ones with whom I also exchange more than just kink-related information and thoughts. For me, these are only very few people, though, and I find that absolutely okay. My life consists of so many parts, like work, family life and vanilla hobbies, and kink is only a very small part of it. My life also involves many people, for example my mate Ludwig, my family, work colleagues, vanilla friends and lots of acquaintances, so that my time and energy don't allow me to build up and maintain close friendships with dozens of people in the kinky community.

But still, the people whom I meet through the blogosphere mean a lot to me. I love to exchange thoughts and have fun with like-minded people in the kinky community. That's what I am mainly here for. Most of the people I am in contact with in our community might not be close personal friends but what I would rather call acquaintances. People with whom I exchange thoughts on an irregular basis, mostly in a purely kinky context. People whom I often haven't ever met in person. But that doesn't mean that our talks are meaningless. Quite the contrary, sometimes I can be deeply touched by a comment or a post, even if I don't know the person who has written it very well. And if someone in the community whom I know, even if it is "just" through blog comments, is having a sad time, then every supportive comment or e-mail that I write is heartfelt.

In my opinion, one can only have so many people to whom one feels especially close. At least this is true for me. But that doesn't mean that emotions towards other people are insincere. If I write about something that touches me on this blog, I don't expect others to stop their lives because of it. I don't even expect them to spend lots of time thinking about it. But it still means a lot to me if someone takes a moment or two to write a short reassuring comment or to share his or her own experiences. That's what I am here for.

How about you? What are you looking for in the kinky (online) community? Is it all just about kink and fun? Do the people matter at all? If so, how close are your bondings to your fellow kinksters? Are they close friends or rather acquaintances? And, are your relationships in the kinky community an addition to your vanilla social network or is the kinky community the main network in your life? I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

9 comments:

Spankingfreunde.DE said...

Friendship, people who understand my feelings, fun and sometimes help

Erica said...

Wonderful, thoughtful post, Kaelah.

As you know, my mother passed away last weekend. I did post about it, because I share a great deal of myself in the online community (too much sometimes, perhaps!). I also posted a photo of her on FetLife.

The outpouring of love, kindness and support knocked me sideways. So many comments, emails and tweets. If I had received all of these condolences in person, it probably would have been way too overwhelming, even though appreciated. But online, I could sit quietly and read, feel the sentiments and gratitude, cry, smile, relate.

I have many levels of friendships in the kinky online community. People feel like they know me, through my blogs and my books, and I like that. But even I have my secrets. My closest friends know them. But there are many others with whom I have shared stories, laughs, empathy, a kind word or two, a silly joke, and they bring me much joy and connection too.

It was a tricky decision, choosing to open myself up and talk about a lot more of myself than just my involvement in the spanking world. But I don't regret it for an instant. Because it's been so rewarding, connecting me on so many levels with people from all over the world.

And when I get to meet them in person, from faraway lands (such as you and Ludwig last year at SL), that's an extra special treat! ♥

Donpascual said...

A very touching post, Kaelah. However, it also highlights the dilemma you are in and we, your readers, as well.
It is the problem of making friends amongst fellow commenters or bloggers. Obviously, the private life of a blogger has priority and she/he cannot become every bodies friend.
In that special respect, blogging appears to be a one way road which allows the blogger to determine the content of a thread and the commenter to comment - even meaningful stuff - but that's it! There will be no closeness - if you allow the harsh comparison - no return on investment - and rarely a lively discussion. How often do commenters address other commenters in order to establishing a sort of forum traffic? Everybody waits for the blogger's responses and that is the end of the thread.
Don't get me wrong, I am still reading many blogs, but I decided to look for "real" contacts again and found them within a two weeks period of time.
Playing events again was a huge relief from the loneliness of the forlorn prowler though the blogger djungle. As they say: man is not made for being alone!
Blogs do not help to meet basic needs of companionship. And they do not make you work for something to be achieved. Within incredible short time, I was in the middle of a very active community again, work piled up all around me and already in real contact with real people.
As I said, blogs are important for me, giving insights, information and valuable advice. But they will not replace living friends.

Ursus Lewis said...

People matter very much. But I agree not all people one meet can be close friends nor shouldn't they be. I found some close friends in the kinky community and I'm sure there are some out there I don't know yet. I see these friends and acquaintances definitely as addition to my social network. It's kind of two circles with some friends intersecting.

What reading (and sometimes commenting) on kinky blogs does to me, is helping to understand me better. As more as I know about my kink and as more as I share about it with like minded folks, as easier it is for me to share with vanilla friends.

I read your post "Does your Mother know?" again and also my comment. It's interesting, back then only 5 vanilla friends knew, by now I lost the count. One person doesn't have to be a close friend anymore for me to be able to tell. If I feel like, I just do it and I don't think I would be able to do so without the online community.

So yes, people matter a lot!

Emma Bishop said...

Lovely post Kaelah and I was actually having a similar conversation last night about this with my Dom. He asked me why I am not used to asking for help when I have a need, like needing to be spanked, and likened it to why we as people all have phones nowadays but don't use them. I said that I thought it was all about making the first move and staying in touch and that if people never phone me then maybe they don't really care about how I'm doing anyway and are too busy. He said that most people assume you are OK unless you call them, but when you do they rally round and are there for you, they actually like to be asked. So, one of my tasks now is to call people from time to time just to say hello. In terms of the spanking community most of my friends know or suspect I'm as kinky as hell and also in Facebook but I just keep the spanking speak out of vanilla places because some people (friends ot friends etc) are holier than though religious types and not everyone thinks its 'normal' even though I am totally proud of it and don't care who knows. Thanks for making me think and I'm sure your mother is very proud of you. Much love, Emma.

Kaelah said...

@ Spankingfreunde / Rainer:
That sounds like a wonderful combination!

@ Erica:
Thanks for your wonderful comment! You mentioned many important things. Communicating with people online can indeed allow for a level of contact that could be overwhelming if one was to meet all these people in person in order to exchange ideas or good wishes. And the chance to exchange ideas with and to meet people from all over the world is a very important part of what makes the kinky online community so attractive for me as well. It was great to meet you at SL and it makes a difference when I am reading your blog because somehow it gives me the feeling that I know you a bit more personally now, even though we only met briefly at the party. :-)

By the way, I don't think that you share too much of yourself, as long as you are comfortable with what you are sharing! Even though I blog about spanking "only", I think that I share a lot of intimate things about myself as well (and I'm not talking about the pictures and clips, but rather about very intimate feelings). But that's what I have to do in order to be able to discuss topics as deeply as I want to do.

@ Donpascual:
You mention some very important aspects! It is indeed a little bit sad that there often is not so much discussion between the commenters on blogs but rather between the commenters and the blogger only. It happens from time to time, though. And it happens between bloggers who often make cross-references to other people's posts on their blogs.

If someone wants to make friends for real life play but doesn't want to become a blogger him- or herself, forums are the better places in my opinion, though. Blogs are rather for discussions and for getting to know the blog-owners and staying in contact with those one already knows. Ludwig and I have met people through our blog, but often they were fellow bloggers whom we already knew from their blogs and whose posts had attracted our attention. Those who weren't bloggers are fellow kinksters who also contacted us in private and who proved to have much more in common with us than just kink. For us, this is just fine because we both are people who love to exchange thoughts and ideas with all kinds of people, but we aren't so much into big groups when it comes to personal meetings.

It's great to hear that you are active again in the German community! From the experiences you wrote about it seems to me that you get a lot out of kinky live events, of getting to know fellow kinksters in person and of kinky party play. So I am sure that you are going to have a lot of fun! I cross my fingers that the work doesn't get too much, though.

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus Lewis:
I absolutely agree with you in that the online community and reading, writing and commenting on blog posts have helped me to understand myself much better. It also helps me to learn more about others, not only about different kinks, but also about more general cultural differences and the like. In fact, I think these two aspects are two of the main reasons for me to write blog posts. Getting to know like-minded people is another one. Like you, I have vanilla and kinky friends, but many of my vanilla friends know about my kink, and with my closest kinky friends, vanilla topics are as important (or maybe even more important) than kinky ones.

@ Emma:
Thanks for your comment and your kind words! :-)

Asking for help indeed isn't always easy. It isn't much of a problem for me, though, when someone is really close to me (like Ludwig or my parents), when the help that I need doesn't mean a big effort for the one I am asking or when I have the feeling that I can at least give something back (sooner or later). You are right, people assume that one is okay unless they are told otherwise. And if one asks for help, it is usually willingly granted. Still, I am reluctant to ask others for help that costs them a huge effort and that would be difficult for me to "pay back". I have read an interesting article recently which stated that not asking someone for a favour can be a good decision, if doing so would cause a strong feeling of being deeply indebted to that person. Because the inner pressure caused by that feeling can be unhealthy. Thus I usually trust my gut feeling and I think that works well.

Abel1234 said...

Having been caught up in the truly ghastly situation that contributed to Indy and Mija's posts at the start of the month, I found your post here very thought-provoking.

The vast majority of my closest real-life friends are people I've met through the spanking scene. And there are countless others I've met online whom I'd also class as 'friends'.

All I know is that support and kind words from people online and in the scene, whether known in real-life or not, can bring tremendous comfort and strength to those directly affected by (or, in my case, touched by) tragedy, and more generally at other difficult times of our lives.

Kaelah said...

@ Abel:
Thanks a lot for having taken the time to write a comment! I know that you have different things on your mind right now than reading blogs. I absolutely agree with you, the support and the kind comments one gets in the spanking community are very touching and comforting!

I think our activity levels in the kinky community are quite different, though. I have always been fascinated by the amount of time you spend with kinky friends and activities! In my case, I still have quite a few vanilla friends, many of whom I know from a time long before I became active in the kinky community. And I often struggle to find enough time to stay in contact with all of them, even though I try to restrict my time in the kinky community somewhat in order to have enough time left for the other parts of my life as well. Spending more time in the kinky community would mean having even less time for my other friends and for my family. I love to have all these different parts and to be in contact with all these different kinds of people, though, so I think it is worth the occasional struggle with keeping the right balance and making sure that I get enough rest, too.