Kaelah's Corner (May 2011): Therapy?

Today's topic is a very controversial one. As a matter of fact I assume that some readers might even be offended by the mere fact that I'm going to ask certain questions in this post. Mind you, my intention isn't to say that things are either this or that way. But I've made some observations and experiences in our community that made me wonder. And I've decided to share my thoughts with you and ask for your opinion.

I guess all of you have heard or read about stress-relief spankings, spanking for the purpose of releasing otherwise suppressed emotions, spankings that helped people to get rid of a bad mood and even spankings that worked as a kind of therapy against forms of chronic pain. And I assume that it is widely agreed in our community that many kinksters don't only use spanking as a part of their sexual play, but also, at least from time to time, for the one or other of the “therapeutic” purposes mentioned above.

But these aren't the forms of therapy I want to talk about today. So, what is today's post all about? Basically, it is about the question whether spanking and the frameworks of kinky relationships are used, much more often than one might assume at first sight, as a kind of self-therapy that helps people to cope with negative experiences, personal insecurities and even potentially damaging behaviour in a controlled manner. And secondly, it is about the question whether there is a significantly higher amount of people with certain forms of insecurities or a predisposition for certain forms of self-violating behaviour in our community compared to society as a whole.

The observations I am going to share with you touch completely different aspects of kink and our community. My intention is not to say that these aspects are in any way correlated with each other. And this is not about a moral judgement, either. However, all of these observations fed similar thoughts and questions. I'll share them with you one by one to show you what I'm talking about.

The first observation is one that I have made about kinky relationships, in the online community as well as in one of the local communities here in Munich. In both environments I've been confronted with many relationships that involve a permanent unidirectional power dynamics. I'm not only talking about kinky play here, I'm talking about concepts for a partnership as a whole.

A form that seems very common to me and which Ludwig has often come across at the local community is the daddy-girl dynamic. I'm well aware that many people only use that dynamic for role-play scenarios, but there also seem to be a lot of couples for whom this is a permanent part of their relationship. From my observation, these relationships tend to be between rather young women and men who usually are at least a few years older than their partner.

Several of the women I know who are in such a form of relationship admit that they don't feel like adults (yet) and that they are looking for someone to protect them and care for them. Someone who is older and wiser and can teach them things about life. And someone they can call whenever things are getting rough and who will, like a friend aptly called it, “jump in on his white horse, wearing his shining armor, and go to tilt at windmills”.

Ludwig has made the observation that, in his view, many of the women he knows from the local scene seem less self-reliant and less adult than the average women their age. Another observation we both made, when listening to stories about their background, is that many of the women seeking this form of daddy-girl relationship apparently did not have a caring father figure in their childhood and deeply missed that experience.

From my observation, there seem to be certain types of tops that are involved in daddy-girl relationships as well. I've got the impression that often the men in these relationships seem to seek not only the feeling of being loved, but also the feeling of being needed, of being looked up to and of being superior to their partner concerning life experience, knowledge and the like.

What makes me think even more about the question whether both parties use the power dynamics of their relationship to deal with certain insecurities is that I have seen women outgrow this form of relationship, which usually led to a split-up. While the women, from what I have seen, then usually looked for a more equal partnership, it seems to me like the men involved often found it more difficult to cope with the end of the relationship and tried to overcome the loss by looking for a new girl to care for.

Of course, the daddy-girl relationships are not the only ones with a permanent power dynamics like this. Forms of relationships which seem to be much more uncommon among our local friends, but about which I've read a lot in the online community are HOH (head of household), FLR (female led relationship) and 24/7 master-slave relationships. I don't have as much knowledge about the background of the people involved in these kinds of relationships, but what strikes me is that the submissives often describe certain similar-sounding needs.

Those are: the need for leadership in their lives, the need to be given rules and to be held accountable, the need to be helped with improving their behaviour and with getting rid of bad habits. What I've heard quite often as well is the wish to please their partner in return. I've read much less from people who are in charge in such a relationship, but it seems to me that what they seek often is caring for and helping another person, but also obedient behaviour and (unquestioning) submission from their partner. So, it seems to me that the power dynamics in these kinds of relationships are quite similar to the one in daddy-girl relationships.

What I'm asking myself is: Why do there seem to be so many relationships with that kind of power dynamics in our community? Does submission often go along with insecurities and the wish to give up a certain amount of responsibility for one's own daily life? Does dominance often go along with the wish to feel strong through caring for and having the obedience of another person? Or am I completely wrong about the power dynamics and the underlying motives of the kinds of relationships I've described? Maybe the truth lies somewhere in the middle?

Power dynamics in relationships are not the only thing that made me think, though. I have to admit that I have never read and heard as much about horrible experiences of real abuse during childhood / adolescence as in the kinky community. And I've never come across so many stories about, and evidence of, self-harming behaviour as I did here. In both cases, I have no idea whether this is just because we generally talk more openly about life experiences in our community or whether there is indeed a significantly higher number of people with bad experiences in our community than in the general population. The self-destructive behaviours I'm talking about are, for example, self-cutting or beating oneself up mentally with permanent feelings of guilt.

So, the question is: Is there a statistical correlation at all or is it just co-incidence? And can spanking be used in any way to deal with horrible memories or to control potentially self-harming tendencies? Furthermore, can spanking play also be dangerous in case someone has a tendency towards a certain form of self-harming behaviour? I know at least one woman who eventually interpreted her tendency of getting involved in increasingly dark play scenarios as a self-destructive pattern and then turned away from that form of play.

I've also come across some self-descriptions of tops that were quite similar and to me sounded like they somehow used spanking as a form of therapy. Basically, these tops admitted to having a kind of dark side, “inner demons” or an “inner werewolf” with which they dealt by letting it out in a controlled manner in their kinky play. I don't know how common this experience is (and I'm not sure how many people would admit to having made that experience), but I know at least two tops who described themselves this way...

So much for the diverse observations that made me wonder about possible common patterns. Of course, I thought about my own kink and possible motives for my personal fantasies as well and  I found the results quite revealing. I'm going to share them with you in another post.

For today I'd like to leave you with my different observations and these questions: Do therapeutic effects explain a (smaller or bigger) part of our spanking fantasies and the power dynamics of kinky relationships? If so, what are the advantages and possible risks? And, the certainly most controversial question of all: Could there be a statistical correlation between kinkiness and certain problematic character traits (like being easily stressed out, or even a tendency towards self-harm), negative experiences during childhood or adolescence, and / or feelings of insecurity? I don't think that anyone knows the ultimate truth about these questions, but I would very much like to hear about your personal experiences and thoughts.

Castle Schreckenstein

 (Castle Deuna in Thuringia - A drawing that comes

close to my mental image of Castle Schreckenstein.)

Today I would like to share a book excerpt with you that has had a major influence on my kink. It's from a German book series written by Oliver Hassencamp about a school for boys which is located in an old castle named “Schreckenstein” (“Horrorstone”). The boys call themselves knights and have decided to stick to the ideals of the former inhabitants of the castle: fairness, honesty and truthfulness. Their code includes not lying to anybody, not even the teachers, vouching for each other and neither drinking nor smoking, because these are habits that the knights consider lame.

The oldest and most merited boys form the “board of knights“. Their conferences are held in the old torture chamber of the castle. The board of knights is responsible for working out plans if the school faces some kind of trouble, but of course the boys also love to play pranks. The rules are that pranks are supposed to be creative fun and that no one should get hurt.

Castle Schreckenstein is located at a lake and across that lake, opposite to Schreckenstein, there is a girls school named “Rosenfels” (“Rosecliff”). The knights have a love-hate relationship with the girls and they enjoy playing pranks on each other. Sometimes the boys, girls and their teachers also meet officially, for example for lessons in what the boys call “moving cupboards”, which of course means dancing.

When Castle Schreckenstein has to be renovated, the boys are allowed to stay at Rosenfels with their teachers for the time being. Of course, this leads to the one or other strange or funny event. Then a problematic incident happens: A boy nicknamed “Steamroller” (because of his strength), a member of the board of knights, violates the code of honour. When the girls make fun of him, calling him “muscleman with a featherbrain”, Steamroller assumes that Stephan, another member of the board of knights, must have told them about this rarely used and hated second nickname of his. Angrily, he attacks Stephan and gives him a kick in front of the girls. In the evening, the board of knights meets in the barn to solve the issue.

I have translated the excerpt for you into English:

“Do you admit to having embarrassed us with your lack of self control?” asked “Midge” who acted as chairman. Steamroller nodded. Midge continued: “It is difficult enough for our headmaster to defend our special ways here at Rosenfels. Your misdemeanour redounds upon all of us.” Steamroller nodded again. Midge came to the conclusion: “Then let's begin with the torture.”

Under normal circumstances, a knight who had vialoted the code of hounour would have been sentenced to a ritual boxing match. It was an honour to be choosen as the opponent on such an occasion. The matches were only witnessed by the headmaster, the head boy and two seconds. The results weren't published. After the match the whole incident was always forgiven and forgotten.

At Rosenfels, a boxing match wasn't a valid option, though. The inevitable marks on the faces would have caught the girls' attention and they surely would have made fun of the boys in question. In addition to that, the strict headmistress of Rosenfels would probably have accused the headmaster of Schreckenstein of not managing to keep his boys from brawling.

That's why the knights had decided for a punishment on the bottom instead. Steamroller was about to receive 21 cane strokes on the bare, three from each of them. He leaned with his forehead on a pillar, his backside facing the judges. One by one Stephan, Ottokar, Andi, Klaus, Dieter, Hans-Jürgen and Midge stepped forward, took aim and diligently administered their strokes. Steamroller didn't make a sound.

"Hereby the incident is forgiven and forgotten", proclaimed Midge after the last stroke had been administered. "Forgiven and forgotten", repeated Steamroller the ritual formular and shook hands with everyone. His face looked like it were made of stone. After the ceremony he stormed outside and sat down in the snow. "For cooling down", he explained. The others had followed him. Suddenly they heard the sound of footsteps in the snow. An electric torch was lit and a female voice asked: "What's going on here? Have you killed one of you guys?"

It was Sonja [a young teacher at Rosenfels] and with her came Beatrix and Ingrid [two of the girls who witnessed Steamroller's attack earlier that day]. Klaus and Andi had stepped in front of Steamroller who jumped up and rearranged his clothes as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, Midge detracted the unexpected female guests by involving them in a conversation: "Actually, we thought about sleeping outside tonight", he said. "Oh, in that case we've got a warm blanket for you", answered his sister Ingrid and showed the puzzled knights something that must have been a frozen tablecloth but rather looked like a board, stiff as it was. "We forgot that one outside", Beatrix explained.

Suddenly Steamroller stepped forward: "And you expect us to believe that?" he asked. "Oh, my...", answered Ingrid, "I didn't know that the hot-tempered maharaja was here as well. What was wrong with you earlier?" - "He just reminded me of something...", said Stephan and changed the topic: "Why are we standing outside in the cold? Don't you like to come in?" "Okay", Sonja agreed, "but just until half past nine."

Steamroller ran ahead, put away the cane and positioned two raw wooden benches in front of the heater. The girls stepped in, followed by the knights. Steamroller fetched cups and a boiler and soon they were all sitting in front of the heater drinking hot bouillon. "What a great idea, Steamoller!" praised Ingrid. Steamroller smiled. Now his misdeed was truly forgiven and forgotton. [...] A while later, Steamroller also fetched some soft blankets. "How mindful of you", remarked Ingrid. Steamroller folded the blankets and made sure that he was sitting on a soft pad as well. The other knights understood his act of courtesy only too well...

What I love about this scene is that it is consensual, taking the spanking is a matter of honour, there is a lot of ritual, the reactions are very restrained, there is no talking-off and no humiliation and no hard feelings afterwards. Everything stays among the people involved and afterwards, the misdeed is forgiven and forgotten. The other knights even defend Steamroller in front of the girls.

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this spanking, though, because the feeling of having let the others down would be horrible and not sexy at all. But in the role of an observer, I find this scenario very intriguing indeed. Of course, I would have loved to go to school at Schreckenstein, anyway, being the only girl among the knights, living with them as an accepted member of their community, playing pranks and proudly defending their code of honour.

The combination of a kinky scene that had all the ingredients that turn me on with an environment which I felt drawn to and characters whom I loved was a thrilling find. Even today, I very rarely read or watch any kinky scenes that touch me in the way this little excerpt did. Although I had to smile a bit, when I re-read the scene for the translation after so many years, because I thought: That was it? Such a short description without any explicit details?

Speaking of explicit details: Unfortunately I know that a scene like that will most probably never be captured on video. Pandora is already struggling to find two male spanking models who are interested in making a M/M scene for her upcoming site. (Go, Pandora!) Unfortunately I am not able to help out (that's the irony, I can help with every spanking constellation except for the one I'm most interested in as a viewer). And I assume the chances for a scene with so many sweet guys are rather low.

Well, sometimes only having a written description of a great scene also has its advantages! One can visualize the scenario the way one prefers. When I was younger, the scene which I have just shared with you was one I definitely imagined very often and very vividly. It has influenced my kink to this day.

The Bubble of Viewer Fantasy

There was one interesting point that came up during a comment debate on Zille Defeu's blog a while ago, which I would like to raise again today. I think it deserves a post of its own and I would like to hear your opinions. In a nutshell, the question is: if a spanking video viewer has the fantasy (or rather, the belief) that models are suffering real, i.e. non-consensual abuse at spanking video shoots, and if he gets off on that idea, does the producer then have an obligation to leave that belief in place, to not destroy the hot fantasy? Or does the producer have an obligation to speak up and dispel such ideas because they give entirely the wrong impression about the industry?

The answer seems obvious to me, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Let me start by recounting how the issue came up. In a response to Zille's question What do YOU want from spanking porn?, a commenter with a tears fetish complained that there wasn't enough crying in spanking videos (has he seen any Eastern European stuff?). He theorised that "most spanking models don't want to cry because they are too in control" and suggested that they should be made to cry "whether they like it or not", perhaps with the help of onions. "Of course, the best route is to find newbie models that are nervous and can't control themselves once they realize just how much it hurts and how little prepared they were."

Kaelah and I replied that forcing models to show reactions with which they are obviously not comfortable and taking advantage of the inexperience of newbies is borderline abusive, if not outright abusive. To be fair, the commenter later modified / clarified his positon: "I am not talking about forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do." But this was not apparent in the beginning, and instead of going over the whole boring discussion again, I would like to focus on something Zille wrote after the initial exchange of comments:

"[T]he consumers deserve to have their fantasies about the porn industry left in place. [...] Many porn sites exist within a fantasy bubble. Take the idea, for instance, that 'just a normal guy' gets a camera and a van and drives around getting girls to have sex with him in the van, while he takes pictures of them in action. Is he really picking a girl up off the street — hell no. He’s advertised for the models, and the 'pick up' is acted. (Sorry if I have just busted anyone’s bubble, there!) The thing is, while this would be reprehensible in real life (or at least, would lead to a good deal of STDs — the nice thing about finding real models is that they have all their tests done!), the fantasy that this is 'real' is what is working for the customers of the porn he makes. And without that delicate bubble being maintained, the site looses most of its potency."

 

"As a model, I need to know I’m being taken care of, and I will only work with producers who will be ethical. [...] But customers don’t have those details to worry about (unless they want to) and it shouldn’t be forced on them. None of us can help what turns us on. If [a customer] likes thinking about shoots that are possibly less consensual than they ought to be, that’s his right, and he never needs to have reality get in the way of that. As makers of porn, we DO have to worry about it. He doesn’t."

Now, before we go on, I think we should be very careful to distinguish between what is fantasy and what is reality. Zille is certainly right when she writes: "None of us can help what turns us on." I have never criticised anyone for their erotic fantasies. You can fantasise about the sickest, vilest, most sadistic, most abusive acts imaginable, it's all good as far as I'm concerned (I have some pretty vile fantasies myself). There are no immoral fantasies, there are only immoral actions.

But that is the point: you should, of course, be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. And you should, of course, understand that while issues of morality don't apply to fantasies, they do apply to actions in the real world.

If a spanking video viewer wants to fantasise about shoots "that are possibly less consensual than they ought to be", knowing that this is a mere fantasy and that nothing of the sort is really happening at spanking video shoots, then that is perfectly fine with me. But I don't think that this is what Zille was talking about. The way I read her, she was talking about viewers who really believe that shoots aren't consensual, and about how their "fantasy bubble" has to be left in place in order not to ruin that precious fantasy.

This is where I disagree with her. The point is that this kind of "fantasy" is not a mere fantasy anymore, it is a belief - a belief about what goes on in the spanking video industry in the real world. And if someone voices such a belief publicly, or the suggestion that this is how things should really be done, then I as someone who has many friends in the spanking video industry and who has occasionally starred in spanking videos himself feel the need to speak up.

Why? Why not just let people believe what they want to believe? Where is the harm? They aren't hurting anyone, they are not porn producers, they are just viewers... So why the need to confront them with reality? This is the position Zille was taking. But in my opinion, she is missing one very important point. If people voice the belief that spanking video shoots aren't consensual, and if we endorse this belief (either quietly, by not saying anything to dispel it, or worse, by active encouragement), then we are creating the impression

1) that this is really going on at spanking video shoots, and

2) that we consider it acceptable that this is going on at spanking video shoots

Sorry, but that is not an image I want to create, and it is not the kind of industry I as a performer would want to be associated with. So, not only do I not feel any obligation to leave intact viewer “fantasies” about real abuse taking place at spanking video shoots. I feel an obligation to speak up against them. I would say to anyone who harbours them: “Look, dude, you can fantasise all you want, but here you are talking about the real world, and this is just not how things work in the real world.”

If we as makers of spanking porn fail to dispel publicly uttered beliefs about shoots that are "less consensual than they ought to be", how are we going to defend ourselves against the anti-porn prudes who claim that all porn is inherently immoral and abusive, anyway?

I also disagree with the view that porn consumers don't have to worry about the reality of the industry. I believe that consumers have an obligation to worry about whether the products they buy are produced in an ethical manner or not. This applies to cosmetics and animal experiments, clothes and child labour - and to pornography and how it is made.

I know that Zille has shot with producers like Pandora Blake and that she is very keen on the whole ethical porn / fair trade porn concept. So I was surprised by her stance in this discussion. Then again, I might be reading too much into her comment. Perhaps I am misinterpreting what, exactly, she was trying to say. Or perhaps she was simply trying to calm down the discussion, trying to keep the two verbose Germans from hijacking the thread further and further from its original purpose!

In any case, I do believe that the necessity and the benefit of educating people about the spanking porn industry and about the fact that we strive to operate in an ethical manner outweighs the sacrifice of potentially bursting a few "fantasy bubbles". The pragmatic question I ask myself in this context is: how many people really believe in the fantasy bubble nonsense, anyway? How many people actually believe that there is a guy, driving around in his car, picking up regular girls from the street who spontaneously and enthusiastically agree to make a porn video with him? How many people actually believe (to name another fluffy story, one that I have seen on a spanking site) that a spanking model "misbehaved" at a video shoot and was then promptly and seriously punished by the producer, with the cameras running, of course?

If you are ready to believe any of these stories, then... Sorry, sir, but you are an idiot! And you could perhaps benefit from a little refresher in common sense and in how real people behave in the real world. Don't be insulted. It might save you from a few slaps in the face, in case you were contemplating driving around in your car, looking for random girls to shoot porn videos with...

But my guess is that there are only very, very few people who believe such stories, anyway. I believe (I hope, at least!) that the vast majority of spanking video viewers is quite capable of telling fantasy from reality, telling a porn site's advertising shtick from what is really going on at shoots. Doesn't diminish their enjoyment of the videos one bit. The spankings are real, the pain is real, the marks on the bottoms are real, and that is the main thing. The fact that there isn't any real, i.e. non-consensual abuse, that everything is agreed on between the performers, is a cause of reaussurance for the majority of viewers, not a cause of disappointment.

Look at professional wrestling. Everyone knows that it is a pre-arranged spectacle rather than a true sport, that the outcomes of the matches are fixed, that the moves are chereographed in advance, that the wrestlers don't really hate each other, that the "feuds" between them are just stories. And still, there are millions of fans who watch it. Because they can still go into that fantasy world and be excited and entertained by it, despite knowing the reality. People are entertained by horror films and action films, too, while understanding perfectly well that they do not depict real events.

Anyway, that is my take on it. But I am really interested in your opinions. How important is the viewer "fantasy bubble"? Does it have to be left in place when it concerns beliefs about what is really going on at spanking video shoots? Or do we have to burst it and make clear how things really work? Am I being naive when I claim that no one believes in ludicrous "regular guy picks up girls for porn videos" stories, anyway? Am I over-optimistic when I posit that 99% of the viewing public understand what is real and what isn't? Let me know your thoughts.

Am I a Masochist?

Do you remember when I told you that I wouldn't participate in any online discussions for a while? Well, how long did that resolution last? Hmm, maybe two weeks? But it wasn't my fault! You really can't blame me for the fact that Erica Scott writes such thought-provoking posts, can you? Luckily, this time the discussion was one of the interesting and absolutely positive ones. Because Erica has two clear rules on her blog: 1) Different opinions are always welcome. 2) Flame wars and rudeness towards other commenters are prohibited.

So, what was the discussion all about? It was about the definition of the word masochism and the question whether any of the readers consider themselves masochists. Most of the commenters agreed with Erica that they weren't masochists. In short, there were three main arguments for that point of view: 1) People who don't like to play very hard (= seek a high amount of pain) aren't masochistic. 2) Spanking is more about the headspace and the fantasies than about the pain for most people, so these spankees aren't real masochists. 3) A masochist would seek any form of pain at any time, the more the better. So, people who don't like pain in certain areas of their bodies (i.e. have no-play areas, like for example the breasts or the feet) and who hate forms of pain that don't have to do with spanking (like headaches) aren't masochistic.

There were different definitions and points of view, too, among them one that resonated very well with my definition, but they were the minority. In addition to masochism, other terms came up as well in the discussion like submission and bottom. Interestingly, many of the commenters seemed to have less issues with the term submissive, the term I always had the biggest issues with, while masochist seemed to have a very negative connotation for some of them. Some comments about more severe forms of play occurred, for example about these "masochistic" Russian girls who participate in the more severe films, about pictures of more severe marks that had scared some of the commenters and about possible risks of more severe play without a proper warm-up.

The comments weren't offensive, but they showed fears that were connected with more severe play. Obviously, for some commenters, the term masochism described a dangerous form of pain-seeking which showed in very severe and therefore possibly damaging forms of spanking play. Being someone who had issues with severe play myself and who has now made positive experiences with this form of play, I decided to enter the discussion and share some of my thoughts with the other readers.

I started with an overview of my definitions for the different terms that had been mentioned in the discussion:

First of all, I would like to distinguish between pathological sadism and affectionate erotic sadism. The former is the kind of sadism that for example some killers and rapists are diagnosed with. It's a mental dysfunction based on the fact that these people aren't able to feel any compassion and therefore enjoy torturing others. Of course, this is NOT what we are talking about in the context of erotic spanking at all! My definition for the erotic form of sadism is: An erotic sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain in a consensual (erotic) setting. Usually this goes along with affection for the “victim”.

I'm not sure whether there are two forms of masochism as well. Maybe one could say that the mental dysfunction that makes some people who feel completely numb need pain regularly in order to feel alive at all is a form of masochism, too. Again, this is not the form of masochism that plays a role in spanking play. My definition for the erotic form of masochism is: An erotic masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain in a consensual (erotic) setting.

Given those two definitions, I consider myself to be both, a masochist and a sadist. Like Erica, I don't enjoy any form of non-erotic pain like headaches. I only play with people I trust, I usually prefer a certain amount of pain only and a warm-up, I've got certain no-spanking areas, I only enjoy the pain in combination with certain fantasies and so on. But still I think that I am a masochist because at least in combination with some of my fantasies mere love-taps don't do it for me (that was a point that had been made by another commenter, too). And I'm a sadist as well because when I switch I enjoy inflicting pain on someone who enjoys receiving it.

Concerning submission and domination: For me the former means that someone enjoys being controlled by another person (and giving in to that control) and the latter means to enjoy controlling another person. Concerning erotic play of course consent, respecting limits and so on are the framework for this power dynamics. I don't consider myself submissive or dominant in the context of my relationship or in the context of spanking play in general. But there are very special play scenarios (with my partner only) in which I can enjoy being submissive or being dominant.

And, last but not least: Top and bottom. For me, these terms only say something about the side on which someone likes to play. In my definition a bottom simply is someone who enjoys to be on the receiving end of a spanking (for whatever reason) and a top someone who enjoys being on the giving end. A switch enjoys both positions. According to that definition I'm a switch with a higher preference for playing on the bottom side.

I added a few words about severe play and health as well which I don't want to repeat here, as you all now my stance on that point. In case you don't, you can read more about my experiences in my recent post Healthy Severity. I also wrote a few sentences about how I see the connection between more severe forms of play and masochism. I would like to share those with you as well:

I am into more severe play from time to time and I know several people who are. Some of them have also made severe spanking films (for example for Lupus Pictures). But most of the people I know don't enjoy the pain during such a severe spanking at all, it's either about flying afterwards or about the experience of letting go.

As you know, I neither fly after a severe scene nor do I want to let go. For me it's all about my heroine fantasies and about combining both, a challenge and healthy play. While I can enjoy lighter forms of pain, though, the pain during a severe scene isn't enjoyable for me at all. When everything goes well, it's bearable, but joy is something different...

So, I would love to hear your definitions of the different terms! What do or don't you consider yourself to be? Have you got issues with any of the terms? And what do you think: Are people who play harder (from time to time) also the bigger masochists? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!

The Stupid, It Hurts!

To start off the sunny cheerful month of May on this blog (at least it's sunny and cheerful where I live), here is an anecdote I recently heard from a friend from the local German BDSM scene. It's one of those stories that are hard to believe, but I consider it believable because the source is reliable and not known for making things up.

The source is a young woman who is into CP (as a bottom) and into more sexual forms of kinky play as well, and she likes to mix the two. She is also single at the moment and plays with many different people. (Before anyone asks, I never played with her myself. Kaelah and I only play with others during movie-making.) So, she was doing a classical "master, slave" scenario with a top she had met. They had played one or two times before and this was the first time when explicitly sexual activities were on the menu in addition to the CP. My friend wanted to take that step out of curiosity, even though by her own account, she already knew that no deeper relationship would develop with this particular top. He was basically a nice guy, but a little too self-important and too serious about the whole "master, slave" thing for her taste. One of the "I am Lord Sir Master Domly McDomlyson!" types. Still, why not do some sexual play with him. My friend felt attracted and excited enough for that.

They start the scenario, he whips her for a while and then he decides that he wants her to kneel down and give him a blowjob. No surprises so far, given how popular blowjobs are with the male population in general and toppy guys in particular. My friend does her best, which I am told is very good indeed, because she really enjoys the practice of fellatio. The only problem was, she seemed to be enjoying it a tad too much in the view of this particular master. Hey, this was supposed to be uncomfortable for the slave! A punishment, not a pleasure ride! He tried to think of something that would make things more uncomfortable for her.

So, here comes the good part. The guy goes to the kitchen (they were playing at his place) and, believe it or not, he puts chili on his penis. (It occurs to me that I never asked my friend whether it was chili sauce or chili powder. I was too busy laughing. In any case, it apparently was some really hot stuff, where you only need a tiny bit on your food and you already have a very spicy dish.) His thinking was that the hot chili would make the blowjob a more painful experience for her. He seemed oblivious to the fact that it would affect his penis in just the same way...

Needless to say, the play session came to a rather abrupt end. My friend, kneeling on the floor and patiently waiting for her man to return, just heard a scream of anguish from the kitchen, followed by wild curses. Alarmed, she ran over and discovered The Master in a rather undignified pose, frantically trying to wash the chili off his dick. She helped him (no, not with her mouth!) and it took a while for things to settle down again. I think they even tried pouring milk over the dick because it is supposed to neutralise the spice more effectively than water.

My friend was very polite about it all, which is to say, she only burst out laughing after she had left. Still, the guy has not called her since and has not expressed interest in any new play sessions. He is just too embarrassed. Well, it serves him right. I mean, good lord, how stupid can you be? I have a hard time feeling compassion when people inflict misfortune on themselves in such a staggeringly idiotic way. On the contrary, I admit to feeling a good amount of schadenfreude, all the more so because it hit one of those self-inflated "Lord Sir Master Domly McDomlyson" types. Har har!

(Sadly, I can not take credit for the wonderful "Lord Sir Master Domly McDomlyson" quip. Pandora Blake came up with that one in an older post of hers, and I loved it so much that I have remembered it ever since.)

Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2011): Healthy Severity

A while ago when I wrote about the topic of trust from the bottom as well as the top perspective, an interesting discussion developed in the comment section about trust, especially in combination with more severe scenes and health problems. Annapurna shared his experience with serious health problems that occurred unexpectedly after a more severe session and how this had affected his play with his wife.

The discussion reminded me of the severe 50 strokes caning which I had experienced with Ludwig back in December 2009. At that time I was still struggling with severe scenes in videos, Ludwig's fondness for severity and the severe canings which he had administered as a top, especially at Mood Pictures. I finally decided that I needed to have an informed opinion about how such a caning felt. I wanted to be reassured that one could be okay after such a scene and I wanted to be able to join in the discussions about severity which popped up from time to time and in which Ludwig was often attacked for having participated in a Mood Pictures shoot. To my mind, the only way to form such an informed opinion was to take a Mood-style 50 strokes caning myself.

There were additional reasons that led to my final decision to try it for real. First of all, Ludwig had shared this special part of his kink with others but not with me. I had told him that I wasn't into that level of severity and he didn't want to force me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. But being his girlfriend I wanted to share this special experience with my mate at least once. Secondly, I had always been quite jealous when I had read Ludwig's film reviews and his reports about his shoots in which he had expressed his admiration for the women who were brave enough to take the challenge of playing that hard. I wanted him to be proud of me and I wanted to do one scene on video with and for him, one that would be at least as sexy from his point of view as the ones he had written about. But this wasn't only about Ludwig, it was about me as well. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do such a severe scene and I wanted to live in the knowledge that I had tried it at least once.

The main problem was that I put myself under extreme pressure. This was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime event (I was quite sure that I wouldn't ever want to repeat the experience again) and everything had to be just perfect on the first and only attempt. But I knew myself well enough already to be quite sure that I wouldn't be able to deal with the cold caning the way I wanted to. And I was aware that my mindset wasn't a very positive one, despite of having embedded the scene into an experimental setting which I liked very much. The caning was simply connected with too many fears and negative images in my head. In conclusion, this wasn't so much about actually wanting to try a severe scene, it was much more about getting it over with in order to be able to tick off that  box and go on with other things.

You can read here how the scene unfolded if you like. It wasn't as bad as I had feared, but when I looked back at the experience during that recent discussion with Annapurna, it became clear to me that I still had regrets about the scene. First of all, the experience of hyperventilating during the first set of 25 strokes was a very scary one. So, every time I watched the scene on video, the negative feelings which I had had during the first half of the caning came back to my mind. Secondly, hyperventilating isn't a reaction which I (or Ludwig) find sexy, so I had the feeling of having screwed up and of not having created the sexy scene I had been longing for. The main regret I had, though, was my impression that I hadn't taken enough care of my health and hadn't respected my own limits the way I should have.

On the other hand, there were several positive aspects about the scene as well. I had proven to myself that I could do such a scene and go through it without safewording. Even though the experience of hyperventilating during the first half of the caning had scared me, I had found out that my body was able to recover very quickly from the experience. The second half of the caning had even been exactly the way I had dreamt of, there had been no panicking and I had been able to show only the restrained reactions which I like the most. I even found that part sexy on video! The experience also helped me to have an informed opinion when the discussion about severe scenes flared up again only a short time after I had done the scene because Mood Pictures had been raided by the police. Last but not least, the aftercare which Ludwig and I had applied had proven to be very effective. Most of the marks had faded after only two weeks and the last remaining shadows on my skin were gone after four to six months.

Still, the regrets remained. Suddenly, when I discussed the topic of health and severity with Annapurna, an idea formed in my mind: I wanted to do it again! A bit more than one year after the scene, I felt much more relaxed about severe spankings and I had the feeling of knowing myself, my needs and my reactions much better than I did back in 2009. The pressure of doing a severe scene in order to share something special with Ludwig had diminished. What we shared together in our relationship was so special and precious that no film scene or film-making experience could threaten it and I knew that Ludwig was absolutely serious when he said that I didn't have to prove anything to him.

But that old task was still open. And this time I wanted to do it for myself! I wanted to do MY dream scenario, a severe scene which I would find sexy. Plus, I wanted to do it my way. I had recently read about some very severe scenes which for example Emma Jane and Leia-Ann had done and I had come to realise that I would have to do my scene differently than they did theirs. As far as I know most of the spankees who do severe scenes love the feeling of surviving. They don't expect to feel good during the scene, but they know that they will fly afterwards. That approach doesn't work for me. I have to feel like I can cope with the spanking during the scene, otherwise I don't feel good about the scene afterwards, either. A friend put it beautifully, making me smile when we talked about the topic. She shook her head and said something along the lines of: “You know, you are even stranger than most of us, you really want to enjoy such a severe caning!” Yep, strange but true...

So, a plan formed in my mind. There was that consensual, empowering and very aesthetical scenario which I had dreamt about and this scenario could easily be connected with a severe caning. I decided that I wanted to bring this scene to life, on camera, and with my trusted mate Ludwig on the administering end of the cane. There would be two major goals which I wanted to achieve: 1) Creating a scene that I would find sexy as a viewer and 2) taking good care of myself during the whole process.

The former meant that I had to find someone who was willing to shoot a consensual martial-arts scenario with Ludwig and me and that the action scene had to be shot in a way that allowed me to only show the restrained kind of reactions which I like very much in combination with severe scenes. The latter meant that I needed someone who could provide me with a safe environment, who would accept my limits, who would be willing to provide the aftercare I needed and who would grant me the one thing which I had decided was the most important condition in order to avoid any form of panic during the action scene: enough breaks between smaller sets of strokes. Luckily, Ludwig was already in the process of planning a shoot with the producer who fulfilled all these requirements – Pandora Blake!

So, I discussed my thoughts with Ludwig and wrote Pandora about them. I told her about my idea and the beautiful images that were on my mind, but I also openly mentioned my limits to her and the things which I needed in order to make this a good experience. Luckily, Pandora liked the idea! And since ethic porn for her is not just a marketing slogan, but something she really believes in, she took my concerns seriously and was very fond of the idea of doing a severe scene which was planned by the spankee and was connected with the desire to make this a positive and healthy experience. The plan was to do a severe 30 strokes caning with an option to increase the number of strokes, but no pressure to do so.

And that is exactly what we did! Actually, I did increase the number of strokes to 50 strokes in total. It was an absolutely positive and wonderful experience! I felt safe the whole time and there were no negative images on my mind. It was challenging and painful, but I always had the feeling of playing within my personal limits. I never panicked during the caning and I took the breaks which I needed. And while I haven't seen any of the results yet, I'm quite sure that this time I made that special once-in-a-lifetime video scene which I already wanted to create in 2009.

With that in mind, the regrets which were connected with that previous scene have also started to fade. Because now, even the negative experiences which I made in 2009 have finally led to something overall positive. Without that 50 strokes caning I wouldn't have been able to do that second severe scene the way I did. My first experience showed me that I could do it, that I could even find the result erotic and that I didn't have to be afraid about any lasting marks. It also showed me what I needed to make it work for me and what I should avoid. Since I had a chance to learn from my mistakes for my second try, there is no reason to bemoan them any more.

Funnily, two thoughts about the new scene keep me thinking, though: The cane we used this time was obviously a bit lighter than the one from the last scene (the old one is broken, so we had to get a new one). I don't think that it hurt any less, but it didn't draw any blood (since my bottom is a bit rounder than those of many of the Mood Pictures girls, I don't bleed that easily, anyway). So, there is a little voice in my mind that asks: Can a caning without any blood count as a very severe caning?

In addition to that I strangely feel a bit like a cheater because of the breaks which I took. I mean, I don't in any way pretend that I did the scene in one shot. There will even be a behind-the-scenes report on Pandora's site that shows the breaks! I know that I needed the breaks for my health and I know that the strokes didn't hurt any less just because they mostly came in sets of six (except for the fact that my body had some more time to get used to the pain at the beginning). It is also no secret that most of the severe scenes are filmed with breaks. But Rita Goord, one of the women whom Ludwig caned at Mood Pictures, had taken all 50 strokes in one take.

I know that my natural reactions (which are also the reactions that I desire in combination with a severe scene) are more restrained than Rita's and I know about the risk of hyperventilating that results from my teeth-gritting reactions. So, when I look at it from a rational point of view I'm sure that I have done exactly the right thing: A hard scene that suited my personal fantasies and limits and therefore not only led to a beautiful result (at least according to my personal taste) which was captured on video but also to a good and healthy experience for me. It is something I'm very proud of and it is also a kinky approach which I want to stand for. But even though I know that worrying about that question is bullshit, there is still that little voice inside me asking whether people will call me a cheater because I wouldn't have been able to go through the scene the way I did without having taken those healthy breaks...

Sense and Futility of Online Debates

(Image courtesy of XKCD. A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, maths, and language.)

As Kaelah pointed out in Kink, Discussions and Emotions, we had a fair number of online debates in the spanking community in recent months. A few more than normal perhaps - is it the time of year for that, or just coincidence? Today, I would like to share with you my personal views about the matter of online debates in general.

There is, of course, the famous dictum that arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics: even if you win, you are still retarded. I don't entirely agree with that. You can find discussions on the internet that are intelligent, informative and respectful. Most, however, are not, and that is where the saying comes from. It all depends on who is doing the discussing. If you have a bunch of people who are classy and mature enough so that they are not looking to "win" every argument, your chances for an intelligent debate are good. Indy, Mija, Kaelah, Paul and I managed a debate like that recently, about Spanking Tube's policy of keeping M/M content separate. Even though we had to agree to disagree in the end (Kaelah and I didn't think Spanking Tube was worthy of as much condemnation as the others gave it), it was always friendly and a very interesting discussion overall.

Should one ever debate with people who are not classy, but obviously stupid and / or mean-spirited? That is another question entirely. Is that worth it, if nothing else, to publicly counter their misguided ideas? Or is it always a complete waste of time? Dan of Spanking Blog thinks it is the latter. Here is what he had to say in a recent comment he made here:

"I start from the premise that the internet is full of sexually broken people and ethically broken people. This, in most of ten years of moderating blog comments, I am convinced is the case. [...] I just don't think there's much point in engaging with broken people. They never change their opinions, it leads to flame wars, and I'm not sure it does a lot of good with the mass of silent readers, either. Ultimately this isn't a 'you shouldn't' claim on my part; it's just a 'I generally don't, because it strikes me as a waste of time.' There's a saying attributed to Robert Heinlein: 'Never try to teach a pig to sing ... it wastes your time and annoys the pig.'"

Kaelah, on the other hand, is of the opinion that it is necessary to engage with strange and / or stupid people, because if you don't, you abandon the field to them. So if you care about the subject that is being discussed, you have an obligation to speak up. My own position on this lies somewhere between Dan and Kaelah. I am going to recount how I arrived at it emotionally. That requires me to go back a few years in time:

The most emotionally draining debate I have ever been involved in, in the spanking community, happened in early 2009. I had recently made my first "professional" spanking film, as a guest top for Mood Pictures. I had written an extensive behind-the-scenes report on the blog and I also mentioned it on the British Spanking Forum. One poster there was evidently so shocked by looking at Mood's site that she wrote a long (2.000 words), rambling, furious post condemning them and myself. Most of it was just a rant about how horrified she was to discover that such videos even existed, how no adjective could describe her disgust, how she felt the urge to format her hard drive after just looking at some trailers. The one argument she used, if you can call it that, was that any model willing to do such a video surely had to be mentally ill, that therefore, the videos were not consensual "since the people involved are not fully mentally healthy", and that anyone watching such stuff had to have an even worse mental illness.

I had seen similar rants before, but this one was even dumber and more vicious than the norm. The poster freely admitted that she was "not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even remotely associated with the mental health profession", but insisted that her assertions had to be right because they were based on "common sense". It really was pathetically stupid. A whole bunch of me-too-sheep quickly jumped on to express their full agreement with the original poster, and before long, the thread was ablaze with all the usual urban legends about the exploitation of starving, drugged Eastern European girls...

I knew it probably would not do any good, but since I had been called out by name, I replied to the thread. I  did so in a consciously polite and diplomatic manner, saying that I could understand how not everyone likes severe caning videos and how some people might be totally turned off by them, but that this was a matter of taste and that the assertions which had been made about the moral aspects were unfounded. The videos were, in fact, fully consensual, there was no exploitation of desperate poverty involved, most models were people who wanted rather than needed extra money, they knew what they were doing and they were treated respectfully on the set. In light of this, I concluded, the OP's theory about all the models being mentally ill did simply not have any basis in fact. Neither did her theory that only a sociopath could enjoy such videos. Many kinky people play hard and like hard videos, and they are nice, caring people. Anyone who knows me in person will tell you that consent, decency and respect for the spankees are of the utmost importance for me.

But, as expected, it really did not do much good. In fact, the personal attacks from the OP and others intensified, calling me a "psychopath", a "sick, sick man" and (my favourite) a "true Teutonic demagogue". Some accused me of just being on an advertising mission for Mood, as if I got a profit from every video they sold (I obviously don't). My arguments were largely ignored or misrepresented. Because I was obviously a bad guy, I was not worth listening to. They did not feel like they had to reply to the content of my posts or even read them. Eventually, after wasting far too much time repeating myself and trying to explain myself, I resigned myself to the fact that it was futile and I just gave up on the discussion.

It wasn't all bad. I received a good deal of support as well, posters agreeing with my point of view, saying that they found the generalisations of the OP judgmental and offensive. In the end, it was probably a fifty-fifty split, pretty remarkable for a forum that did not usually cater to "severe" tastes. I also received messages in private, encouraging me to not be bothered by the people attacking me, who were apparently known for being insufferable, anyway. I would have been even more thankful if the private messengers had come out into the open, but I could understand that not everyone wanted to make themselves a target.

On balance, though, it was a very hurtful and draining experience for me. Not so much because of the personal attacks per se. Actually, I regretted that some of the most colourful insults (like the "true Teutonic demagogue") were deleted by the moderators. I would have been happy to see them remaining as a testament to who was really behaving psychotically here. No, what really hurt me was simply the stupidity of it all, the disappointment on a human level. The fact that a whole mob of people - spankos, who should have known a little bit about the dangers of prejudice and the merits of tolerance - was willing to jump on me based on totally faulty assumptions, without even listening to what I had to say for myself. When so many people are behaving in such a painfully stupid, painfully judgmental way, it just bothers me. I mean, it just undermines your faith in democracy, doesn't it? Makes you wonder whether universal suffrage is really such a good idea.

I can brush off name-calling, but what infuriates me a great deal is when people just keep ignoring or misrepresenting what I write. I don't expect anyone to agree with my point of view. But if you are going to reply to me, you might at least do me the courtesy of reading, and trying to understand, what I actually write. I remember how, in another discussion about severe play, I probably explained five or six separate times how my own moral position was that 1) all participants in BDSM have to be consenting adults, and 2) no permanent physical damage must be inflicted. And still, several pages into the thread, people kept going: "But OMG, what about mutilation and murder? WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!" So I resigned myself to the fact that I was talking to idiots, and I gave up on that discussion, too.

What helped me to put everything into perspective, and to put it all behind me emotionally, was the realisation that going through a series of painful, frustrating discussions is an experience which most performers in spanking videos make almost as soon as they appear on the scene. It almost seems like an initiation ritual of sorts. In chapter seven of her autobiography Dances With Werewolves, Niki Flynn recounts how she had just made her first film The Exchange Student and started chatting about it on online forums: "Most of the members were friendly and welcoming and many were interested in hearing about the shoot. I loved reliving the experience, so I was happy to talk about it. What I wasn't prepared for were the attacks." Some people would confront Niki with all kinds of wild claims and accusations. How her fantasies were sick and how the films she made promoted violence towards women. How the canings in Lupus videos were all fake, anyway, just make-up. How she was not really a spanko at all, but just a publicity whore making videos for the fame and money. Et cetera.

Other performers in spanking videos talked to me about similar experiences of theirs. It always seems to be the same arc. You make your first film. You are still brimming from the experience and start talking about it on forums or in chats. Most people are friendly, asking you about the shoot and wanting to know more. A few attack you, though, and there is always at least one who writes a lengthy diatribe about how you are a psychopath, a whore or generally the scum of the earth. That takes you by surprise, it hurts, and for a while, you focus only on the negative stuff. Eventually, you put it into perspective and you just divorce yourself from it emotionally.

With hindsight, it occurred to me that the OP and the others attacking me at British Spanking had not really been talking about me at all. They had a certain preconceived notion of what someone who watches severe caning videos (or, even worse, participates in them!) must be like, and that preconceived notion was impossible to shake. I had to be a psychopath, could not possibly be anything else. No matter what I said or did, there was nothing that would have changed their opinion. In their minds, liking these videos and being a nice guy were simply irreconcilable. It was beyond the horizon of their imagination.

Once I realised that, any sense of anger or hurt that I still carried inside of me after the discussion just evaporated. I felt a sense of pity for these people (honest, non-condescending pity) because they were so limited. But I did not feel any anger towards them anymore. Moreover, my impulse to publicly confront their claims evaporated as well.

When I had replied to threads which claimed that severe caning videos were immoral, or exploitative, or fake, I had never done so because I honestly expected to convince the people who started such threads. I had replied to them because I feared that, if I did not, their nonsensical ideas would spread and other people would believe them. So I addressed every such post, every false claim made in them, every flawed argument... It took me a while to realise what an overkill it was. The point is, people are going to believe what they believe. Some people are going to have an informed opinion, others are going to believe nonsense. It is not my job to correct all the latter or to address every single nonsensical claim that is made somewhere on the web.

If people want to inform themselves about Eastern European CP videos, they can read my behind-the-scenes reports and those of other performers who have worked there, like Adele Haze or the aforementioned Miss Flynn. If people want to find out whether I am a psychopath or not, they can read my blog where I have written a ton of stuff over the past three years about who I am, what I do, my thoughts and feelings. It's all on the record for those who are interested. And if some people, on the other hand, choose to persist with chatter about evil / mentally deranged / fake caning videos, that is their prerogative. I can't be bothered with it and I honestly don't care about it anymore.

So, these days, I just ignore blatantly stupid opinions. I only respond to them when they are voiced by a commenter on my blog (which happens extremely rarely, because I have an intelligent audience here) or if they are voiced by a commenter in my immediate "neighbourhood", on the blogs which I visit regularly (also very rare, because the blogs I like have generally intelligent audiences as well). I care about the intellectual environment in my neighbourhood. As for the big wide web, a lot of nonsense is being talked there in many places, and will forever be talked there in many places. Not my concern, not my job to dispel it. Leave it to the people who live there.

Anyway, that's my take on it. If you like, share your personal views about the whole subject. Did you ever get stressed out by one discussion you were involved in in particular? Did you emotionally divorce yourself from it, and if so, how? Do you still get involved in weirdo debates, or can't you be bothered with them anymore? Let us know your thoughts and experiences.