(The trust fall.)
In the recent days I read some very different posts which all touched me by some means or other. When I think about them now, I find that they have one thing in common, something that touches me whenever I read about it – and that thing is trust. So, this is what today's post is about: Spanking and trust, this time from the perspective of a bottom. There will be a second post in a few days, discussing the topic of trust from the perspective of a top.
Burl Apsack published a post titled Pushed in which he wrote about his last session with his disciplinarian and how it brought him closer to his aim of being broken. The post came along with a picture showing the rather nasty marks that had been produced by the spanking. Now, the more regular readers of the Rohrstock-Palast know that I'm not into the idea of being broken and rather into the idea of feeling empowered by a spanking. But I was curious what Burl Apsack found so appealing about the idea of being broken during one of his sessions with his disciplinarian and so I decided to write a comment on his post and to ask him about it.
Instead of answering my question in the comment section, Burl Apsack decided to write a complete post about the subject, quoting an excerpt of a text about different types of spankings written by an author identified as Julnick. Here are some parts of what he wrote about the meaning of what he calls “breaking spanking”: Breaking spanking - Basically meaning a spanking designed to break down the will, break down emotional barriers. This is designed around specific psychological elements. There are two subsets of this spanking type, there is regression, and there is simple compassion/safety. Within the group of men who desire this spanking, there are some who need to be regressed, psychologically, brought down to a child-like state, where it is acceptable to cry. And some just need to be taken to a place where they feel safe enough, and insured enough against ridicule that they can let go and cry. […]
Touch is vital, the top is taking the bottom to a very frightening place in his head., tearing down that wall is going against very strong, nearly survival instincts. There is going to be a lot of panic and resistance as that begins to happen. The top needs to "hold the hand" of the bottom throughout, constantly reassure the bottom, constantly, touch, pet, give physical comfort., as well as verbal comfort, constant reassurances, soft tone of voice, as if speaking to a terrified child, because that is what it can be equated to. Also, the top needs to know how to push and back off, in order to get through strong resistance, without driving the bottom to try and get up. […] It is a constant balancing act, pushing hard, but keeping the bottom feeling safe enough to get through it.
The text continues with some very interesting and touching further explanations about this kind of spanking from Julnick's view as a top about which I will write in the second part of this post. What struck me about the description was the beautiful image of the safe environment that the bottom needs in order to achieve his goal of letting go. And I realised that while Burl Apsack's and my desires and goals as spankees might be very different, the environments that we both need in order to get there are quite similar.
In my comment I wrote: I guess that a basic difference between us is that I don't need to be spanked in order to release my fears and cry. […] What I'm not good at, though, is releasing aggressions and trusting myself to be strong enough for the challenges of life. […] So, what I am looking for during a spanking is a safe environment and someone who guides me through, just like you described in your post. But the aim is not to let go, well, or maybe one could say the idea is to let go, but to let go of my fears! My aim is to feel strong during the spanking, to feel that I can take challenges and stay on top, that I can trust myself and my partner who might take me to my limits but will always respect them and won't break me. […] To my mind it is always fascinating to see how differently spanking works for different people. And at the same time it's interesting for me that even if two people seem to enjoy completely different scenarios, there can still be at least some similar desires behind it.
Another post that made me think was written by Emma Jane and called Control freak, freaking out! In that post, Emma Jane wrote about a very scaring upcoming scene: [...] I have a scene coming up soon where I have absolutely no control over what happens. I have no idea what will be done to me, how long it will last or how I will react. I don't even know for sure who's actually going to be there as the tormentors. I try to visualise the scene but can't, having never done anything like it before. And others who've gone through it are careful not so share any details. So I'm left with fearful anticipation and wild guessing. With no idea what end of the spectrum my guesses are landing. The control freak is freaking out. […] I'm going to have to block her out, because for reasons I can't really explain I want to go through with this. I want to turn up blind and put myself through the unknown. I will try to stay strong and endure bravely. If I cannot endure bravely, I will endure anyhow. I'm genuinely curious to know how I will react to this complete and utter lack of control, to know how the control freak will cope.
Again, what Emma Jane describes is nothing I would want to put myself through. Quite frankly, my control freak almost freaked out only reading her post! But when I read Emma Jane's thoughts about her upcoming scene I knew she would be alright. Because first of all this is something she seeks and I'm sure that she can trust her instincts. Secondly I'm very sure that she will do this with people she can trust. People who will make sure that at the end of the day no real harm will have been done and that Emma Jane will finally leave the battle field feeling empowered and happy. So even if the scenario scares me, I'm glad to know that Emma Jane can explore her reaction to the complete lack of control in a safe environment with trusted people.
I also read three very different posts about punishment spankings. Leia-Ann Woods wrote about her shoot for Strictly Spanking videos, a website focussed on real-life punishments. Leia-Ann was punished for smoking and it seems to have helped her to at least reduce the number of cigarettes she smokes. I watched the preview clips and came to the following conclusion: I'm not into real life discipline, so the Strictly Spanking videos most probably aren't for me, but the video seems to be beautifully shot and I like the caring and respectful undertone. I think that this is very important, especially when such a personal thing as real life discipline is mixed up with a video shoot.
Later, I stumbled across another account about real-life discipline, this time written by Mija and posted under the title Demon Torrents on The Punishment Book. She was punished for illegally downloading Criminal Minds episodes using Paul's account. What touched me the most about Mija's post was her final conclusion: And then it was over. We hugged and I curled up against his chest, sulking a bit. Not because the punishment was unfair or undeserved. But because it happened at all. Yet as I think about it today, I can't help but imagine what would have happened without it. Paul's resentment of my thoughtlessness. My guilt coupled with the resentment feeling guilty creates. The hours or even days it might have taken for life to be back in balance. I hate stories about spanking that end in feeling of gratitude. But I am grateful. Not to Paul, who enjoyed last night, but for this scene that exists between us as both play and reality. It's not at all a bad life.
And finally I read another fantastic post written by Pandora titled The evolution of punishment; or how I came to like it. It's about a punishment she received from D mainly for missed back exercises. But this wasn't the cathartic kind of punishment spanking, it was a motivational spanking which finally led to arousal, fun and lovemaking. The essence is beautifully caught in the following excerpt: Then it was over; and as I cuddled up to him I realised that I hadn't cried, hadn't had the catharsis experience I usually associate with punishment. This was less distressing and less complex than that. On one level it was wholeheartedly, straightforwardly consensual. This whole thing was my idea. D wasn't being domineering, making me do things I didn't want to do; he was my team-mate, my equal partner, working with me to help me achieve my aims. On another, my crime was not emotionally distressing; a minor blip in my striving for self-improvement, but I hadn't hurt anyone and had no reason to be overwhelmed by remorse or regret. This punishment was a tool in my arsenal; it was part of the plan. It wasn't anything to feel bad about. And I didn't feel bad. I felt relieved, satisfied, loved, reassured, safe.
Three very different kinds of punishment spankings. Some very far away from my kink, some very close. But no matter how much I could or couldn't relate to the scenarios, the signs of safety and trust which I found in all three accounts together with the knowledge that these scenes worked for the people involved touched me.
And last but not least there was a wonderful account written by Erica Scott about her last play session with her regular play partner New Guy. To Erica's complete surprise New Guy had decided to turn into a rather mean person, almost a stranger, to tie Erica up, to scare her and of course spank her. Obviously Erica Scott's account scared a few of her readers at first, until they came to the part where she wrote about how much she enjoyed this unexpected rough scenario. Erica wrote: I have been tied up before. But I'd never experienced it like this, as part of a roleplay scene, sprung on me so unexpectedly. It was different. It was rougher than I usually play. But I could do it with him. I could go there. I trusted him. I knew I was safe, so I could fully immerse myself in the fantasy.
I couldn't imagine to enjoy a scene like that before I met Ludwig. Even today I'm not completely sure why I seek these scenarios. But I know that the better I got to know Ludwig and the more I trusted him the stronger these fantasies became. Today I wouldn't mind at all to make myself vulnerable to Ludwig and to give myself into his hands. Because I know that he won't hurt me. Ludwig knows so much about me, my fears, my weaknesses and my sore spots that it would be very easy for him to hurt me, not only during a spanking scene, but, even worse, in our real relationship as a couple. I trust him not to do it, as well as I trust him to take care of my well-being in our play.
Our desires as spankees might be very different: letting go, stress relief, catharsis, empowerment or sexual pleasure. And the core of our kinks might be very different as well: for example pain, dark scenarios, sensual spankings, feeling small or testing our limits. But what struck me when I read all those different posts was that there is one common base for all spanking play as a bottom: Trust into the top and his or her ability to create a safe environment in which we can explore our kink. Sometimes the accounts written by others about scenarios that aren't my cup of tea tend to scare me a bit. But as soon as the posts remind me of the trust between the people involved I relax. What could be a more beautiful essence of our kink than trust?