Kink, Discussions and Emotions

I participated in another very emotional discussion during the past few days, this time about the discrimination against M/M spanking play and porn. The discussion took place on Mija's and on Indy's blog. While we basically all agreed upon the fact that we want M/M spanking play and porn to be treated equally, we judged certain forms of discrimination differently.

Mija, Paul and Indy argued that Spanking Tube is worse than many others because they feature M/M clips and make money with M/M affiliate links, but treat M/M enthusiasts as second class people by not showing their clips on the main page and not including them in many of their most popular search functions. While I basically agreed that I find the approach discriminating, my argument was that I feel much less welcome on many other sites which refuse to feature any M/M topics at all because it might scare people away, and that I don't like the thought that they get away as being less discriminating than Spanking Tube.

The discussion was mainly between Mija, Paul, Indy, Ludwig and me. While being emotional, it never became disrespectful or personal, even though we finally had to agree to disagree because we just looked at the topic from very different stances. We all explained them carefully, but we didn't force our opinions on each other and respected each other's decision to stand by their point of view. Afterwards Mija wrote a wonderful post on the importance of fair discussions and the acceptance of disagreements that resonated very much with my thoughts and made it easier for me to let go.

But many discussions on spanking blogs and forums aren't like that. Often people become very personal and disrespectful and try to hurt others. One example was the recent discussion with Bill who was very aggressive and said some very disrespectful and insulting things not only to Ludwig and me but also about spanking models.

Some time earlier there was another discussion on The Spanking Spot triggered by a tongue-in-cheek comment about a model that could easily be interpreted as having a racist undertone. This time it was the other way round. Brushstrokes, who had made this comment, was harshly attacked as being racist and disrespectful against models. While I saw why his comment could be misleading, I decided to support Brushstrokes against the already quite big number of people who were attacking him, so that he would at least have a chance to say what he really meant and to modify his statement. I'm usually on the side of those who are in the minority or who are harshly attacked, which doesn't make these discussions much easier for me...

Luckily, the discussion really cooled down after a while. But one participant, a spanking model named Scarlett, was very aggressive during the whole discussion. Before she finally left the discussion, her rants culminated in the following comment in reply to another participant: “You’ve got no idea who I am… I don’t really care what you think about me, but FYI, I’m the kind of girl who features in spanking videos, rather than the kind of sad old perver who wanks over them ‘cos he can’t get any real life action. So I’ll settle for that, actually.”

When Ludwig and I talked on the phone, he pointed out these two examples and wondered if they could be taken as a sign that many of the spanking porn viewers secretly have a good deal of contempt for the models and vice versa. I thought about it for a moment and then told him that my theory was a different one. From what I have learned, aggressive comments tend to say much more about the fears, insecurities and bad experiences of the ones who make these comments than they say about the ones who get addressed by these comments. And I think that our kink is a very personal topic and people can easily be hurt or become scared. The aggression is just a sign of that. Let's have a look at the different examples and I will show you what I mean.

Bill wrote a lot about the spanking industry and their professionals who, according to him, always interfere with every discussion about video customers' preferences and want to tell him, a video customer but not an active member of the scene, what kind of spanking he should or shouldn't like and how thankful he has to be to the industry and to the famous spanking models who want his money but refuse to fulfil his fantasies. At least that is the compressed short-version of his rant. Looking at that, all of his other comments make a lot more sense.

Obviously Bill is frustrated because he spends a lot of money on spanking porn but usually doesn't find clips that suit his taste. For some reasons, he also seems to feel like a spanko second class because he isn't (or, as he mentioned very often, doesn't want to be) an active member of the scene and a part of the spanking industry. And then two people turn up and tell him that his suggestion to make models cry whether they like it or not is disrespectful and that people have different limits which should be respected and that he would maybe understand this a bit better had he ever participated in a spanking shoot as a spankee himself. Do I have to say anything more?

What about Scarlett? Well, I assume that many spanking models who are real enthusiasts are scared from time to time that the consumers might objectify them, treat them disrespectfully, consider them to be somehow "available" or think that they have the right to expect certain things from them just because they are models. I'm not a professional model, but from time to time the thought of being objectified by someone I don't know (maybe someone I wouldn't even like) or of seeming "available" because I'm participating in spanking clips scares me as well. Maybe that is a typical female fear, I don't know.

But when you look at Scarlett's reaction from this point of view, it becomes clear that Brushstrokes's comment must have touched one of her core fears. And then others (mostly male readers plus me) joined in and told her that her aggressive reaction was completely off the mark and at least as disrespectful as Brushstrokes's initial comment. Obviously, she finally did not know what to do any more, except for making that very aggressive and completely stupid comment.

Ludwig had another very interesting forum discussion in 2009, shortly after having topped for Mood Pictures. It was about severe spanking videos, and especially one woman in the discussion called him a psycho and completely sick. Again, the source for these kinds of reactions to my mind are insecurities about and issues with one's own kink. The question “Am I sick and am I doing something wrong?” leads to the following answer: “No, what I am doing is still okay. But everything that is more extreme is sick and rightfully scares people. So, if I fight those sickos, others won't be scared by my kink and won't attack me.”

And why did Ludwig get so involved in the discussion? Well, first of all his experience with Mood Pictures was quite fresh, he had personally been attacked and no one else had spoken up for his point of view. But, more importantly than that, our relationship was very new at that time and I was still struggling with watching severe scenes myself. That's why Ludwig reacted much more emotionally to the topic in 2009 than he would today.

And what about me? I think it is quite simple: I am very scared that people might get something that I say or do wrong and that a big group of them might attack me. That's why I interfered with the discussion on The Spanking Spot and defended Brushstrokes. When Bill made his disrespectful comments towards spanking models, I had just made that shoot for Pandora's site. One of my biggest fears is that people think that they have any right to expect more and more from me, or things I'm not comfortable with, just because I'm showing a lot of me on the blog and in pictures and films. And I'm afraid that people could treat me disrespectfully. Bill's comments fed exactly those fears. Later he attacked not only me but also Ludwig personally, and that is something that I can hardly stand, either [note from Ludwig: a great oak is not bothered when the dogs bark at it]. In the discussion about M/M discrimination I had the feeling that Spanking Tube, where I find at least some of the clips that make me happy and where I feel more welcome than on many other sites, was singled out for their "homophobic" policy while others got away with their complete avoidance of M/M.

Well, what can we learn? I don't know whether my theory helps a lot, but at least it makes it a bit easier for me to understand why others are so aggressive sometimes and why this doesn't say anything about me. Furthermore, it also helps me to understand why I sometimes feel so deeply hurt by certain comments.

The problem is that it doesn't help me much to deal better with these kinds of discussions. A few days ago the dispute on Zille's blog flared up again with some rather negative consequences for my energy levels, so yesterday I finally decided to unsubscribe from the blog entry. Today I'm already feeling better, but I'm still behind with my vanilla work and duties. 

That's why I have finally decided to take a hiatus. I might write the one or other blog post, but I won't read a lot on other blogs and I definitely won't participate in any discussions.

Quite frankly, at the moment I don't feel like I really belong to the mainstream spanking community, anyway. Don't get me wrong: I've met very lovely people here, I very much appreciate all the kind comments I get, I enjoy all the thoughtful discussions, I like to see how spanking works for different people and I love writing and participating in aesthetic projects like making photos or clips.

But it happens very rarely that I find posts, stories, pictures or clips on other sites that work for me on an erotic level. I usually don't meet any people whose kink is very similar to mine or who are in similar situations concerning their relationship, blogging experiences, play preferences, film preferences, photo- and clip-making experiences and so on. So, there are people whom I like very much on a personal level, and there are very interesting things to explore on an intellectual level. But I don't find much in the online community that provides me with new ideas that fit to my own kink and touch me on an erotic level.

And so, right now, it all seems to cost me more energy than I get back. I'm sure that'll change again soon, once I am completely recovered and have caught up with my vanilla work. But until then I will take it more slowly. Have a wonderful Sunday everyone, take care and see you all soon!