Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2018):
Anticipation and Preparation

It took me quite a while, but here it is, the second part of my series of posts about a very special experience! As I explained in part 1, I had set myself up for a rather painful event that involved a certain degree of loss of control on my behalf, something I am not usually into. But this experience was something I deeply longed for, and so it seemed to be worth the risk.

As the regular readers among you know, I am sort of a perfectionist, at least when it comes to things that are dear to my heart. My very first spanking experience with Ludwig, for instance, was very well-planned and well-prepared. During that scene I also gave up control to Ludwig, in a clearly-defined framework. When I set myself up for my new experience, though, I knew that this time I wouldn't have as much influence on what was about to happen as I had had then.

Still, I tried my very best to make sure that it would become a good, empowering experience and to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I chose the place and the people who would guide me through the experience. We talked about my preferences, limits, fears and hopes. I didn't know who exactly would be there on that special day, but the whole team and their philosophy seemed to be the right choice.

Of course, I also read accounts from those who had gone through the experience before and I spoke with others who had done it or planned to do it just like me. Ludwig and I talked a lot as well, and it was clear that he would accompany and support me. I also tried to prepare myself mentally and physically. It definitely was an exciting time!

That doesn't mean that I felt good all the time, though, or that I didn't have any doubts. As the event drew nearer (I didn't know when exactly the whole thing would take place, just a time range), the thought of not being able to back out anymore was indeed quite scary. When the prospect threatened to overwhelm me, I tried to distract myself in order not to dwell too much on what might or might not happen. But overall, the anticipation was of a rather positive and thrilling kind, and from deep within my heart something told me that going through this was the right thing to do and that it would change my life for the better.

Looking back, I think that I mastered the time of anticipation so well because I felt that I also did a lot of preparation during that time - as much as that was possible, given I was kind of going into the unknown. It was clear that no amount of reading, talking or training could really prepare me for what was about to happen. But still, my preparations gave me the feeling that I wasn't blindly running into something stupid which would turn out to be a bad experience. I was doing as much as I possibly could to make sure that everything would work out as I hoped it would.

In that regard there wasn't much difference to my first spanking experience. In 2009, I also had no real idea what I was setting myself up to. I knew that I had those special erotic fantasies, I had found a man whom I trusted so much that I asked him to bring one of those fantasies to life with me, I also had certain ideas about the right scenario and mood (for instance, I wanted a rite of passage rather than a dark punishment scenario). But still, I had no idea how a real spanking would feel like, how I would react and whether I would really like the real thing. Back then, my heart also told me that I had to take the plunge. And that was not only the beginning of an exciting kinky journey, it also was a very important step in the process of me and Ludwig becoming lovers and mates.

Still, I think my behaviour clearly shows that I am a control freak, in my kink as well as in my vanilla life. I can and do enjoy anticipation, but I enjoy the act of preparing things even more. Waiting passively isn't my thing. Especially not when the upcoming event is one where I am not going to be in control.

And so, I prepared myself and waited. I tried not to think about what might go wrong but to trust myself and my body that this had been the right decision and that I would be able to handle what was to come. And I enjoyed anticipating how I might feel afterwards and how the outcome of that special experience would enrich my life. That was until that one morning when what had been a mind game so far suddenly was about to become real...

How about you? Do you enjoy the feeling of anticipation? How do you deal with upcoming events that make you nervous? Do you distract yourself, play out things in your head or maybe actively prepare yourself? Is it different in regards to kink or vanilla life? How important are anticipation and preparation for your kink? I am curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Aug 2018):
Ninth Blogiversary

It's hard to believe, but a few days ago was my ninth blogiversary! Nine years of kinky blogging. That's really a long time. The beginning seems so far away already. But I still remember how nervous and excited I was when my first-ever post went online. And how happy when I got really nice and welcoming comments from our readers.

It was one important milestone in a long journey that started with me writing my first comment on this blog as a new reader and someone who was completely new to erotic spanking and hadn't ever tried it out for real. It continued with Ludwig and me exchanging emails, then meeting in person and my first spanking scene with him just a short time later. We finally became a couple and I started writing for this blog at the end of August in 2009.

In the last nine years I've written hundreds of posts about our kinky adventures and about our development as mates and a now married couple. What a ride it has been!

As I told you in my last post, our life is quite out of control right now because we have to cope with the loss of a close family member and are drowned in the work that comes with administering an estate. That's why posts are very rare at the moment and will be for a few more weeks.

Still I am looking very much forward to continuing my series of posts about a very special experience that I've made a while ago which was a life-altering one. I hope I will at least manage to release the second part in September.

Until then I would like to thank you all very much for having accompanied us throughout the years and for all the friendly, thoughtful and personal comments that still make me very happy today!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2018):

This is just a short post to let you know that Ludwig and I are okay and to say sorry for not having published your comments in the past weeks. The reason why there haven't been any new posts is that we had another medical emergency in our close family, which sadly led to the death of a loved one this time. Ludwig and I haven't even had much time to grieve, yet, because we are buried in the organisational stuff that comes with losing a family member. In the upcoming weeks we won't have much time to catch our breath, either, so my next Kaelah's Corner post probably will be the first occasion on which I will be able to write another post.

I will definitely moderate your comments in the coming weeks, though! The problem was that Blogger for some reason decided to not send any notification mails about new comments anymore, neither to me nor to Ludwig, even though we hadn't changed anything in the settings. I checked my mails regularly, but didn't see any new comments awaiting publication. So I thought there weren't any. My explanation was that my last Kaelah's Corner post was the first in a series, so maybe our readers would wait and only comment on the later posts.

It was Gustofur's mail that alarmed me and made me find all the unmoderated comments on Blogger. Thank you very much, Gustofur! And thanks to Stephen.sir99 for having created a nickname and for not having given up commenting. I will reply to your comments in more detail, as soon as I find the time, but I want to use this post to at least already say thank you to those who shared their thoughts and own experiences on my last post – Gustofur, Steven.sir99, Canelover and Val. And to the anonymous commenter who informed me about the video clips that don't work anymore: thanks a lot for the notification. Ludwig and I will re-upload the clips as soon as we can, but due to all the work we have here, it might be a little while.

So much for now. Sorry about the silence, and please stay tuned! By the way, the comment notification seems to be working again now. I found out that it was a general issue with Blogger which many other users experienced as well, but apparently, it can be fixed by deleting the email adresses in the settings and then re-adding them. I've tried that and hope it really works (I've already got my first notifications)!

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Mai 2018):
New Horizons

In my last Kaelah's Corner posts, I wrote about stretching my boundaries in the field of how much I show of myself on this blog. Today I would like to start another series of posts on a related topic, another field in which I have defined my limits new and gained so much from it that it can hardly be expressed accurately.

There has always been one form of kinky play about which I have read accounts with great interest, but always knew that it wouldn't be for me. What I am talking about are scenes without a safeword. Now, as Adele Haze once aptly explained on her now-defunct blog, strictly seen there is no such thing as kinky play without a safeword. Because as soon as one participant says something along the lines of "I herewith withdraw my consent. Everything that happens from now on is harassment," that means the scene has to stop immediately, no matter what was agreed upon beforehand.

But nonetheless many fellow kinksters have taken part in spankings or related kinky activities where no explicit safeword was agreed upon and where it even was the understanding of all participants that safewording was not expected to happen. For some this is the setting when it comes to real life discipline. Others also do play scenarios which are explicitly declared as having no safeword. For instance, Emma Jane wrote a report about such a scene here several years ago. Those scenes are usually very dark, designed to take the bottoms to their limits and beyond.

When I read about scenes like that, a part of me always asked why someone would put themselves up to anything like that, given that in real life there are enough dark and sad situations where we don't have much control, anyway. But I understood that there was a difference between those dark scenes and reality. First of all, the participants trusted the tops they played with to make sure that no real harm was caused. And from the description of the bottoms it became clear that they weren't really broken after the scene was over. Instead they seemed to be flying, getting stronger from having survived the experience. And they were caught by the tops who, as soon as the scene was over, pampered them and made sure they were okay.

That was the part that always somehow intrigued me. I knew that for me, setting myself up for such a dark scenario would do nothing good. I would simply be broken and not flying afterwards. And I have made too many experiences with panic attacks in real life situations where I only had limited control for experiences like that to have any appeal for me. Still, I always wondered whether there could be a scenario in which I would experience something similar and gain the same feeling of strength and happiness.

Today I know that this scenario really exists. I have been through it and it resembled nothing I had experienced in my life until then. It was of course different in some ways from what my fellow kinksters described in their play reports. But when I thought about it afterwards, it came to me in how many regards my experience resembled what I had read from others.

In my next posts I will write more about what happened. And I think you are going to understand what I am talking about. For now, I would like to ask you how you feel about kinky play “without a safeword” and about real-life events that require giving up control. Under which conditions would you be willing to set yourself up for either of them? Have you ever gained a lot by doing it? I would be very glad to read about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

Monday, May 21, 2018

Sucking the Boss Cock

Recently we had a music industry scandal in Germany, involving a music award and some rappers. I don't want to go into any details here, but the reason I am telling you about this is that it inspired Ludwig to look at some German rap lyrics (he doesn't usually listen to that kind of music).

He told me later how dumb he found many of them. There was one line which was so ridiculous that he kind of liked it, though, because it made him laugh. In one of his songs, one rapper fantasized that his bitch (or however he might choose to call the love of his life) should suck the "boss cock" (which apparently is the nickname for his little willy).

The line was so over the top that it sounded quite funny. What made it even weirder was the fact that the line itself was in German, but contained the wonderful phrase "boss cock" in English! For me it would be really hard to take a guy seriously who talks like that, but I am afraid the creator of this line might actually believe that it sounds ultra hard and cool...

However, his discovery obviously triggered Ludwig's fantasies. When we were about to have some fun one evening, he told me in his tongue-in-cheek way: "So, come on now, suck the boss cock! I bet you would enjoy that, wouldn't you?"

That was the point were the difference between rapper fantasy and reality set in, though! Because his words did not, actually, result in the desired action, but in me pulling Ludwig over my knee, taking down his pants and spanking his naked bottom with my hand, making him squirm. I love that I can create reactions from him with a hand spanking, given that Ludwig can take a severe caning rather stoically! He always tells me that he doesn't know why my little hands (I really have to take children's sizes when I buy gloves) feel like iron. I took my time and continued until my hand hurt quite a bit as well.

After I was done and Ludwig's backside had a nice red glow (just like my hand), I made of course sure that Ludwig got some pleasure, too. After all, I am no big mean rapper lady who refers to her private bits as her boss pussy and believes that her guy should only serve her. But unfortunately for Ludwig (to be honest, I think he is quite happy about that), I am not very submissive, either, and so I prefer to give my husband pleasure under my conditions and not because I'm told to suck the boss cock.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2018):
Out Of Control?

In my last two Kaelah's Corner posts I explained why I had decided not to show my boobies in my pictures when I started blogging and publishing kinky photos of myself and why I have become more open in that regard nowadays. One of the main issues which I discussed in these posts was the factor of trying to keep control.

I think that having control is often just an illusion when it comes to our lives in general. That becomes painfully obvious when a loved one suddenly gets seriously ill or we unexpectedly lose our job or when we are confronted with crime, terrorism and war. But in my opinion not being able to control everything in our life doesn't mean we shouldn't have dreams, make plans and try to give our life a direction we like.

I think it is wise to take into consideration that things might not always turn out as planned, though, and to stay open-minded. In that regard, I believe that being aware that we can't always be in control actually gives us more control because we stay open enough to recognize unexpected chances and to use them. For example, take a woman who sadly loses her job, but suddenly realises that this is her chance to go into a different field of work that always appealed to her but seemed too big of a leap as long as she had her old, well-paying job. Or a man who becomes very ill and starts thinking about the things he hasn't done, yet, but would love to do. And after fighting the illness he decides to go on a trip around the globe because he has realised that this is something he wants to do from deep within his heart.

And then there are those things in life where we have to deliberately give up control in order to gain something we really want. Giving birth is such a situation. In order for the child to be born, the mother has to open up and hand over control to her body. And all future parents voluntarily jump into a situation that is completely new to them and where they can't control beforehand which challenges they will be confronted with or how that will make them feel. But the wish of having a child is so strong that it seems worth taking the risk.

When it comes to kink, control of course is an important factor, too. As a top, I like the aspect of being in control. Not in a way that I really want to have control over someone who wants to give up responsibilities. But in the way that I like to have control in a setting with a clearly defined framework that was agreed upon beforehand. And with that control I love to provoke reactions, not only reactions to pain, but also – in my intimate play with Ludwig – reactions of arousal.

As a bottom I am a person who openly admits to top from the bottom. I am not interested in letting another person do something to me which I don't enjoy or don't have agreed upon beforehand. That said, both in my more BDSM-centred fantasies as well as in my sexual play with Ludwig, I love the idea of giving up control in certain ways, for instance by being bound. But that's not because I enjoy the feeling of being helpless. Quite the contrary: Being the passive part allows me to completely focus on myself and my own pleasure instead of being in charge of organizing things for myself and others as I usually am.

And what about publishing kinky pictures and videos? As I wrote in my last Kaelah's Corner posts, I had to accept that it is impossible to keep control of what others do with the photos and clips. And I think that I would most probably never have published any kinky pictures of myself if Ludwig hadn't done it before. In the beginning, the only reason I decided to show my face in pictures and videos was because I didn't want to remain Ludwig's faceless girlfriend here on the blog.

Initially, the fact that I couldn't control what others said about or did with my photos and clips scared me. In a way, it made me feel helpless. But I also came to realise how much I enjoyed creating beautiful pictures and bringing to life kinky fantasies. So I became more open over time, despite the lack of complete control.

When I posted a nude picture showing my breast in my last Kaelah's Corner post, an anonymous commenter wrote in a very thoughtful comment: "Did you feel like you were giving up control or more like you were gaining it? In the photo it seems like you are completely at ease and have full control. Maybe ironically when we think we lose control is when we most gain it?"

I think the observation is correct and we often gain more control by accepting to give it up in certain regards. I still have my personal boundaries when it comes to the questions which pictures I publish and I think that is good and important. But accepting that I can't control how others use my photos has made me feel much less helpless and therefore given me more freedom to publish the pictures I like without having to ponder the question what others will think, say or do with them.

And having jumped into the whole adventure in the first place most certainly made me gain more than I could possibly lose through the pictures I've posted. Because the creative process itself and the compliments I have received on the finished photos and clips have made me feel more womanly, sexy and self-confident than I would ever have thought possible. So, I want to take this chance to wholeheartedly thank all of you for that!

How about you? What role does the issue of control play in your life, your kink and your behaviour as a member of the kinky online community? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Ten Per Cent Is Not Nothing

A few weeks ago, Ludwig and I had a little discussion. We had to pay a bill and the question was who would pay how much of it. As you all know, we are married. But we still haven't thrown all of our money together. Instead, we share the costs for our daily lives and the things we buy depending on what it is. Sometimes it's 50/50 (travel costs, for instance), sometimes only one of us pays (because it's something only one of us uses), sometimes we share costs according to our current respective income (living expenses), and so on.

I suggested that we should share the costs of said bill 50/50. Ludwig suggested a different formula which he considered to be more fair given how much each of us had used what we were paying for. "Hey, you just want to save money!" I jokingly complained. "According to that formula, you'll end up paying far less than half!" Ludwig maintains that I said "you'll end up paying almost nothing", but I disagree. In any case, we didn't discuss the topic in more detail or make a final decision, as we had other things to do. The sum concerned was small and it wasn't such a big issue, anyway.

Ludwig couldn't resist using the situation for a scene, though. A bit later he called me into the bedroom and put me over his knee. As he spanked my bottom, he asked me what the highest number of strokes which I ever got with a cane was. I replied that it was 50. So, he asked me, ten per cent of 50 is how much? I said something about being blonde and not knowing the answer. He didn't buy it and spanked me more. So, I finally answered that the correct tally was five.

Happy with my profound maths skills, Ludwig announced that he would give me five strokes with the cane to show me that "ten per cent is not nothing". I protested that I had never implied that he wanted me to pay the whole bill. I had just said he obviously wanted to pay less than half of it. Quite frankly, I was of the opinion that according to the formula he had suggested, Ludwig would have had to pay more than ten per cent, maybe about twenty. But of course I didn't tell him that, given the situation I found myself in...

I couldn't argue Ludwig out of his plan to cane me, though (surprise!), and so I hesitantly followed his order to fetch a cane after he had let me stand up. There were only unpeeled, crook-handled ones in the wardrobe, and so I took out one of them. It was a thin dragon cane. Big mistake, since I don't like sting! I bent over the bed, still grumpy because it was all so unfair, and Ludwig told me to pull down my pants and knickers.

I did as I was told and Ludwig took aim. With a crack, the first stroke hit the target. I moaned and hissed and bent my knees under the stinging pain. We hadn't played in a long time and I wasn't used to the pain anymore. I told Ludwig that. He didn't seem to mind (which top doesn't enjoy getting some reactions for his hard work, right?). But he gave me time to recover before the next stroke hit my poor bottom. I struggled through that one and the next two, feeling a bit sick from the pain, even though the strokes were only moderately hard.

Ludwig and I talked throughout the caning and he told me that I could be happy to have been given a warm-up. And I was! Still, I mused whether I am not really kinky anymore, or at least not a real bottom. Some years ago the caning would probably have made me horny, which might have made it easier to deal with the pain. That said, I was never really good with the first cane strokes, and moderately hard ones were never much easier to take for me than severe ones.

Anyhow, I had made it through four of the five strokes! Only to be reminded by Ludwig that the last one is always the hardest and that he had been quite nice so far. So I prepared myself for the final stroke which produced a hot burning stripe on my derriere. Again I groaned with pain and struggled to deal with the breathtaking fire on my bottom.

Ludwig really seemed to have enjoyed himself (in contrast to me). Of course he couldn't resist closing the scene by asking me what I had learned today. Well, I might have been beaten, but obviously I wasn't beaten - if you know what I mean. Because despite the risk that came with my answer, I replied: "I've learned that ten per cent of 50 is five!" Ludwig and I both cracked up laughing.
"Hey, are there any stripes to see?" I asked. "Yes, indeed!" Ludwig replied. I looked in the mirror and saw five dark red lines on my bottom. Now my kink returned. While I might not enjoy being spanked that much anymore, I still like taking pictures of spanking marks. "Let's take a picture for the blog," I told Ludwig. As I already said, we had lots of other things to do, but Ludwig agreed nonetheless and fetched the camera. Thus I can not only tell you the story of the spanking, but you can see the resulting marks as well.

The marks were visible for a few days, but fortunately not for too long, because I had a doctor's appointment. Well, I suppose I have learned even more from that day. Not only is ten per cent of 50 five, but one should also always be very careful about which cane one chooses - especially when being out of proper practice as a bottom!