Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2018):
Anticipation and Preparation

It took me quite a while, but here it is, the second part of my series of posts about a very special experience! As I explained in part 1, I had set myself up for a rather painful event that involved a certain degree of loss of control on my behalf, something I am not usually into. But this experience was something I deeply longed for, and so it seemed to be worth the risk.

As the regular readers among you know, I am sort of a perfectionist, at least when it comes to things that are dear to my heart. My very first spanking experience with Ludwig, for instance, was very well-planned and well-prepared. During that scene I also gave up control to Ludwig, in a clearly-defined framework. When I set myself up for my new experience, though, I knew that this time I wouldn't have as much influence on what was about to happen as I had had then.

Still, I tried my very best to make sure that it would become a good, empowering experience and to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I chose the place and the people who would guide me through the experience. We talked about my preferences, limits, fears and hopes. I didn't know who exactly would be there on that special day, but the whole team and their philosophy seemed to be the right choice.

Of course, I also read accounts from those who had gone through the experience before and I spoke with others who had done it or planned to do it just like me. Ludwig and I talked a lot as well, and it was clear that he would accompany and support me. I also tried to prepare myself mentally and physically. It definitely was an exciting time!

That doesn't mean that I felt good all the time, though, or that I didn't have any doubts. As the event drew nearer (I didn't know when exactly the whole thing would take place, just a time range), the thought of not being able to back out anymore was indeed quite scary. When the prospect threatened to overwhelm me, I tried to distract myself in order not to dwell too much on what might or might not happen. But overall, the anticipation was of a rather positive and thrilling kind, and from deep within my heart something told me that going through this was the right thing to do and that it would change my life for the better.

Looking back, I think that I mastered the time of anticipation so well because I felt that I also did a lot of preparation during that time - as much as that was possible, given I was kind of going into the unknown. It was clear that no amount of reading, talking or training could really prepare me for what was about to happen. But still, my preparations gave me the feeling that I wasn't blindly running into something stupid which would turn out to be a bad experience. I was doing as much as I possibly could to make sure that everything would work out as I hoped it would.

In that regard there wasn't much difference to my first spanking experience. In 2009, I also had no real idea what I was setting myself up to. I knew that I had those special erotic fantasies, I had found a man whom I trusted so much that I asked him to bring one of those fantasies to life with me, I also had certain ideas about the right scenario and mood (for instance, I wanted a rite of passage rather than a dark punishment scenario). But still, I had no idea how a real spanking would feel like, how I would react and whether I would really like the real thing. Back then, my heart also told me that I had to take the plunge. And that was not only the beginning of an exciting kinky journey, it also was a very important step in the process of me and Ludwig becoming lovers and mates.

Still, I think my behaviour clearly shows that I am a control freak, in my kink as well as in my vanilla life. I can and do enjoy anticipation, but I enjoy the act of preparing things even more. Waiting passively isn't my thing. Especially not when the upcoming event is one where I am not going to be in control.

And so, I prepared myself and waited. I tried not to think about what might go wrong but to trust myself and my body that this had been the right decision and that I would be able to handle what was to come. And I enjoyed anticipating how I might feel afterwards and how the outcome of that special experience would enrich my life. That was until that one morning when what had been a mind game so far suddenly was about to become real...

How about you? Do you enjoy the feeling of anticipation? How do you deal with upcoming events that make you nervous? Do you distract yourself, play out things in your head or maybe actively prepare yourself? Is it different in regards to kink or vanilla life? How important are anticipation and preparation for your kink? I am curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences in the comment section!

3 comments:

Gustofur said...

Kaelah,
Well written story. I am into the action more than the anticipation. I hope your next post comes soon. Please keep the anticipation time short.

canelover said...

Dear Kaelah
At first let me apologize my poor English. But it is my 4th language.
My first spanking was not as glamorous as yours. It was just a simply punishment.
In my country, a corporal punishment was not allowed. However, it had been used very often.
I was very afraid to receive a punishment, therefore I was very polite, did my homework and did not speak when it was not allowed.
But last year at elementary school, we got a new mathematics teacher. And for some reasons, she did not like me. I was always good to mathematic and had high grates.
Suddenly they decreased and I had only medium or low grades. Since it was the last year before high-school the grades were very important. Those years a teacher had always right and you could not discuss with her/him.
Sometimes I had to stay after the school hours and should write a silly sentence 100 times. After one hour she came and allowed me to go home.
At the end of this year I should again stay after school time and write a sentence but this time 150 times. This time I should wait 1,5 hour for he and with he was an another teacher, who I did not know.
She tall me, that I can get a low grates but if I will take a punishment, she will be “gently” at me so will get medium grates. And of course I agreed to this “deal”.
She fetched a pointer-stick and I thought that I would receive some stokes on my palms. But not, she ordered me to bend over a table.
I received 12 strokes, first 2-3 were not so hard but remains 9-10 strokes were very severe. She did not hit me rapidly, so I could keep the position. And I may admit that I became wet in the underpants.
When I came home, I immediately looked on my ass. There were two black/green/blue bruises and little blood on each cheek. This was the only spanking, which I received not nude. At the same time, I recognized that I have a high pain threshold.
I looked on my ass next 2-3 weeks as the bruises changed the colors and at the last became yellow and disappeared. Next 2-3 days, I feel the “sweet” pain when I sit down. I got a plenty dreams about being spanked but very soon came also some where I was beating women. So when I became adult I also became a “switch”, which I enjoyed for many years.
I received much more severe spankings afterwards but I still remember this first one, because it opens my eyes on S/M. And as how great pleasure a pain can be.

Kaelah said...

@ Gustofur:
Seems we have the same preferences! :-) Again it took a while, but the next part is online now.

@ Canelover:
Thanks for sharing your experiences and don't worry about your English – as you know, I am not a native speaker, either, and your English is very good! I am very glad that the real, non-consensual spanking which you experienced seemingly didn't cause any trauma. While I enjoy consensual, erotic spankings between adults, the idea of real, non-consensual corporal punishment is abhorrent to me, especially when talking about minors (as you wrote, you "agreed" to be spanked, but then you didn't really have a choice, given that your grades were at stake). I am very happy for you, though, that - instead of being traumatized - you found out that you enjoy adult SM-spankings as a switch and also managed to live out your fantasies as an adult!