Sunday, May 4, 2014

Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2014):
Sweet Child of Mine

Recently, I was asked a very interesting question concerning my kink. I am not sure whether all of you are familiar with the concept of our "inner child". For those of you who aren't, here is what Wikipedia says about it: "In popular psychology and analytical psychology, inner child is our childlike aspect. It includes all that we learned and experienced as children, before puberty. The inner child denotes a semi-independent entity subordinate to the waking conscious mind."

Well, I was talking to someone about the things I have experienced and learned in my childhood and how these experiences influence the person I am today. Suddenly I was asked the following question: "In your kink, who are the ones who are spanked and spank, your inner child or the adult part of your personality?" For a moment, I was stunned by that question.

My reply then was that the one who gets spanked certainly is the adult part of me. Because first of all, being spanked is something that is closely related to my sexuality which in my opinion is an adult activity by nature. Secondly, being spanked usually makes me feel strong, a feeling that is connected to being a self-dependent adult in my view. As for spanking others, I had the feeling that this might be partly an adult thing and partly an activity for my inner child, a way to fulfil the wish of the more insecure part of me to "play with the big ones" and be accepted as a leader.

My explanation was accepted unchallenged and so the conversation continued. I realised that the idea of a connection between my inner child which means my childhood experiences and the part of me who wants to be spanked scared me, though. Needless to say, Ludwig and I do not condone the spanking of children - spanking is great as BDSM play between consenting adults, but utterly wrong as an educational measure. Even thinking about my inner child in the context of BDSM felt weird, but the question persisted. Could there be any kind of connection after all? And if so, why would my inner child want to be spanked? Maybe to get rid of a bad conscience. But I was Miss Goody-two-shoes as a child, so there was nothing to regret or feel guilty about. Or maybe a child might want to be spanked in order to get its parents' attention. But my parents were very caring, so there was no need for that, either. Anyway, I didn't like the idea that there might be any connection whatsoever between my inner child and the wish to be spanked.

A while later the conversation came back to the topic of spanking. This time I was asked how the erotic spanking kink will fit into Ludwig's and my lives should we become parents one day. "I guess it will play an even less important role than it does today", I said, "because then we will have even more responsibilities than we already have today." And I added: "I guess it will be something just for the two of us as a couple when the child or children aren't around. A time of adult fun when we can just enjoy things and don't have to be responsible parents." - "Then spanking is an activity for your inner child after all", was the reply.

I hadn't expected that conclusion and needed a moment to think about it. But then it came to me that it might indeed be true. Maybe erotic spanking play is an activity for my inner child, no matter whether I am bottoming or topping. A time during which I can just have fun, just be and just feel. A time when I can let go and don't have to fulfil responsibilities. In that regard, being spanked might be even closer to my inner child than spanking others because I can let go even more in that position. I guess from that perspective it also makes a lot of sense to talk about spanking play. Because that's what erotic spanking is, right? Play. Of course it is an adult game, but still a game.

In the sense explained above a connection between my kink and my inner child feels alright to me. Of course there is one important precondition for that: I can only play this slightly edgy game because I am a responsible, self-reliant adult. I can let myself fall because my inner child can be sure that there is always a strong adult in the background who takes care that she won't get hurt. I would never delegate that responsibility to my play partner(s). Of course I want a person with whom I play to pay attention whether I am okay, especially when I am on the receiving end. I only play with people whom I consider being responsible and safe. But I will always take care of my well-being, too, and make sure that I don't cross any lines. And so my inner child can safely play and have fun on that special adult playground.

What about you? Would you consider your spanking play to be connected rather to the adult part of your personality or to your inner child? I am looking forward to reading your comments!


Anonymous said...

Love the picture of you in your pyjamas.Any more please?

Stan/E. said...

Great pyjamas picture, dear Kaelah... Love from France.

Erica said...

For me, it's definitely my adult side, my sexual woman side. I'm strongly opposed to the actual spanking of children, so even having it be a sort of symbolic child is uncomfortable for me.

I sometimes call my spanko side my "wild child," but not my inner child. :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm strongly opposed to the actual spanking of children, but I think it has not consequence in adult life.
I'm not never spanked in my life and I love spanking from my 18 years. I know several people nevere spanked love to be spanked or spank


Olli said...

If I understood the theory of the inner child and the inner adult in the corrct way I first would argue that there is a third aspect: the inner parents.

And, on a second hand, my point is that people alwas should try to avoid extreme positions (such as "all people are..." or "no one does..." but accept that we nearly always live in and with compromises (using the term in a very neutral manner!).

What does that mean to me? Now, in this view things we're doing rarely are controlled by either our inner child or inner adult or inner parents only. It's more like an (perhaps equilateral) triangle with child, adult and parents on the three corners of it, and ones behavior is like a single spot within the edges of the triangle, coneccted to each corner by a rubberband. So every thing one does is influenced by the inner child as well as by the inner adult and even by the inner parents.

In my opinion this picture explains perfectly why I can feel a very clear connection between my kink and my inner child (it's playing and it's a kind of being controlled as well as being secured) and also between my kink and my inner parents (in the way how I do control the "whole scene", e.g. choosing my partner, influencing the setting) and, last but not least, to my inner adult (which is nessessary for being able to talk about these things in a clear and rational way).

However, depending on the actual situation, the "rubberbands" I described above are getting longer or even shorter: while being caned I'am very close to my inner child but in this moment (when I write this little post) I'm quite exactly in the "adult corner" of my inner triangle.

I think, the wording "inner child" is a little bit unlucky because of the associations people have with it. As you described in your article beating and corporal punishing should have nothing to do with the education of children (fully agree with that!) but is a very nice kind of roleplay (in order to *play* educating).

In this way I don't have any problem with the involvement of my inner chiild - it's not a real child but only the metaphor for "child-like behavior and yearnings".

Uuh, this might be the longest post I ever wrote on your blog - I hope I made my thougts clear...

Best wishes to all the three aspects of you ;-)


Kaelah said...

@ Anonymous:
Glad you like the picture! Maybe there will be more one day.

@ Stan/E.:
Thank you! :-)

@ Erica:
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on the subject! I can relate to your uncomfortable feeling. I guess the point is that the concept of our "inner child" has nothing to do with real children. It is just a name for the part of our personality that is playful but also still wants to be held and comforted like a child. I think we all have that part in us, no matter who old we get. In that regard I can find many connections between spanking play and the inner child. Not only because we are talking about play, but also because many spankos say that they want to let go in their spanking play, that they want to be held and comforted afterwards and so on. And I don't think that this is a bad thing at all. Of course there may also be people who want to be spanked because they long for something that they missed in their childhood or because they feel guilty for something. But that's a different story.

@ Klumarer:
I absolutely agree with you, I don't think that whether one was spanked as a child or not determines whether one develops an adult interest in erotic spanking or not. I am also strongly opposed to spanking children but erotic adult spanking is something completely different. It is a game for consenting adults who enjoy a break from their daily responsibilities by diving into a fantasy world and letting go for a while.

@ Olli:
I don't think the concept of the inner child officially involves inner parents but I can absolutely relate to what you say nonetheless. Indeed we all have different parts, aspects, needs and roles which are more or less dominant at different times. As you mentioned, the term “inner child” can be misleading, but it just refers to the part of us that wants to play but also looks for reassurance, safety, being comforted, being held and so on. "Child-like behaviour and yearnings" is indeed a good way to put it. And in this way my inner child is definitely involved in my spanking play. Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment! It was very interesting to read your thoughts – and you explained them very well!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kaelah,

I believe there is a connection between the inner child and spanking in many, but not all cases.

According to Freud, our sexuality begins in childhood, if not in the womb, and it progresses through three major stages: oral, anal, phallic/vaginal. (I added the feminine aspect; Freud’s theories have been interpreted with a more or less male/patriarchal lens here in America.

Spanking is most closely linked with the anal phase of development, starting about age two when a child typically experiences toilet training, and coincidentally develops a greater sense of self separate from the mother or the primary caretaker. With this autonomy comes a sense of negation, resistance, and the concepts of good and bad. This latter attribute begins developing soon after birth too, but becomes more important during toilet training, for the child, probably for the first time, is asked to control a major bodily function. Believe me, it’s a challenge for many.

It’s my contention that spanking has its roots there, in the anal phase, but may not surface later until puberty or even early adulthood. Thus, the inner child, a theoretical construct, does play a part.

Incidentally, I’m not suggesting that children should be spanked for any reason. I have a strong zero-tolerance attitude against the practice, as other posters have also stated.

In my own case, I started early and soon demonstrated switch characteristics. When assuming the dominate end of the spectrum, I fantasized about spanking young women who would have been old enough to be my elementary school teachers. On the receiving end, I was, indeed, the child. Oedipal implications are obvious, but so is the archetype of whipping. That is, as a recipient, I was preparing myself for the potentiality of torture, ostensibly at the hands of either my parents or teachers. No such torture ever occurred, however.

Now, as an adult, my inner landscape has shifted to the inner female (for women, it would be the inner male). Being spanked helps me achieve a greater degree of femininity, submission, and receptivity.

I want to make it extremely clear, however, that I’m speaking of an archetype and my own, unique experience. I am not suggesting or implying that women, by their very nature, are somehow worthy of punishment and domination due to their sexuality. Such a notion is completely abhorrent to me, being a long-standing supporter of women’s rights and issues these past forty years. I can’t stress enough the consensual nature of any power exchange between fully informed and willing adults who derive satisfaction from such an exchange.

Now that I’ve muddied the waters a bit, I hope my response is somewhat clear. If not, I’m open to questions.

Kaelah said...

@ Annapurna:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think that my personal predisposition for kink hasn't got anything to do with toilet training experiences, but as you said, that might be different for different people. Just like our adult kinks are different as well. Sure, there are some general aspects which are for instance shared by many people who consider themselves spankos. But once you take a closer look it becomes obvious that our fantasies contain lots of unique details which are important parts of our personal kink and vary from person to person.

Anonymous said...

Lovely photo and narrative, evoking strong memories of both reality and fantasy. It depends on your age and experiences? I had a very strict but loving up-bringing in the 1970s and got bare bottom spankings from Papa (with a flip-flop) It has thankfully always framed my subsequent fantasies in a positive fashion. Younger friends didn't get smacked , and so have simply just fantasised. But I was that girl in the photo, with my cutey, cotton, cartoon PJs pulled down for the "slipper", ( not the carpet beater !) but I've always harnessed positive mindfulness from days of yore. Great iconic photo! Louise

Kaelah said...

@ Louise:
Welcome and thank you very much for your comment. Glad you like the picture!

I have to say I am very happy that I wasn't usually spanked as a child for it might have had a negative influence on my kink. I don't condone the spanking of minors (or anyone who doesn't freely consent to it), either. I am glad to hear that your childhood experiences with spanking obviously didn't affect you or your kink in a negative way, though.