I knew exactly what he meant and his stern voice send a shiver through my spine. The day went by and so went the evening after we had returned back home. When it was time to go to sleep, I had already forgotten Ludwig's announcement. But I was sharply reminded of it when I came into the bedroom and found Ludwig already waiting for me, flexing a cane in his hands.
I explained that I needed a little moment to get ready for the caning and Ludwig told me to go and prepare myself. In the bathroom, two little voices in my head had a little discussion. As you all know, Ludwig and I don't do discipline spankings. So, it was absolutely clear that my bad habit was just an excuse on Ludwig's behalf for some spanking play with the added thrill of a realistic background. My problem was that the habit of being constantly in a rush is something that I really want to work on for both health reasons and for not making others hurry as well or letting them wait for me. And I knew that Ludwig really hadn't been too happy about having to rush because of me several times in the past. But I knew that teaching me some kind of lesson really wasn't the point here, it was all about relieving some stress and turning it into something positive and erotic. So, little voice one told little voice two not to worry about all the more extreme DD stuff which I had recently read and which had made me feel highly uncomfortable, but to enjoy our way of doing things.
With that in mind I went back to the bedroom. Ludwig told me to pull down my trousers and knickers, to bend over and support my weight by putting my hands on a low board. He then lectured me about not making him run around all the time by trying to do too many things shortly before we are about to leave for an appointment. His lecture was accompanied by twelve sharp strokes with the whippy rattan cane. I tried to get into the right mindset, to enjoy Ludwig's dominance and the challenge of dealing with the pain – and failed. Instead, I struggled really hard to take the ordeal and by the end tears had swelled in my eyes from the pain and the frustration of not being able to go along with the scene. Ludwig realised that quickly and ordered me over his lap where he continued with his hand. But even then I wasn't able to relax into the spanking. I tried to cry a bit but it didn't give me any relief, either.
Ludwig stopped and pulled me into his arms. "You just don't get into the right mood when there is a real-life background to a spanking", he said. As I lay on the bed, embraced by Ludwig, my pants still around my ankles, I tried to gather my thoughts and feelings. I told Ludwig that my mind hadn't gone blank like it had before. But there was still that fear that he could really think I needed or deserved a punishment in order to change my behaviour, because that's how many others obviously deal with things. And I couldn't relax into the scene because I was scared that Ludwig was really upset and that I had hurt him.
Actually, I think one aspect that really bothered me, is that spanking would most possibly indeed work quite well to make me change my behaviour - out of fear. It would also mean that I wouldn't feel comfortable to share my faults with my partner any more, as I realised a few days later when I told Ludwig about a mistake which I had made and which I knew could potentially upset him. I need that openness, though, and I think that forgiveness shouldn't have to be earned in a love relationship but granted for free. But that's the topic of another post.
Anyhow, Ludwig reassured me that he doesn't at all believe in spanking as a way to change behaviour in a love relationship. He just enjoys the thrill of adding some real-life background to our play and maybe even using a spanking to release some tension and turn it into a shared erotic experience. I very much like that approach and told Ludwig that I didn't understand why I couldn't get into the right mindset for that. "That's because you feel guilty for things too easily ", Ludwig replied. And he was right!
Ludwig suggested to go to bed but I felt revitalized and had something different on my mind. I pushed myself up on all fours in order to be able to look around the room. Ludwig grinned and told me that I better shouldn't do that, especially not with my pants and knickers still around my ankles. I had found what I had been searching for, though, and left the bed, remaining on all fours. That way I made it to the nearby table, where I had spotted the cane. Like a petgirl, I took the cane with my teeth, turned around and made my way back to Ludwig. We both had to laugh because I realised how difficult it is to grab and carry a cane with one's teeth and lost it twice on my way.
Back at the bed, I put the cane onto Ludwig's lap. He looked at me, puzzled. I explained myself by simply going onto the bed on all fours, lowering my head down and pushing my bottom up into the air. "So, you want me to cane you again?" - It didn't take much to convince Ludwig. And so, the cane bit into my buttocks for the second time that evening. After stroke number two or three, I started questioning my sanity. Luckily, Ludwig granted me a few more seconds in between the next strokes when I asked him for it. After the second dozen on that day, Ludwig decided that I was done. When I looked at the marks, I realised to my relief that I hadn't been such a bad wimp the whole time as I had thought. There were some visible red tramlines.
We quickly took a picture which unfortunately doesn't really do the marks justice. And then I submissively attended to Ludwig, showing him my gratefulness. Ah, wait a moment! Nope. That was not exactly what happened. Instead, for some reason, my dominant side suddenly took over. Which didn't keep me from attending to Ludwig, though.
22 comments:
Many years ago, I watched some pet play on a live webcam show.
The female top actually threw the cane into a corner or underneath a sofa and the pet had to retrieve it with her teeth. Using hands increased the number of cuts or spanks she got for being too slow.
It was a silly game, but fun to watch.
I think most of us times when we can't get into the right frame of mind for spanking and caning. At least in your situation it can be resolved later in the same day. Unfortunately my Mistress lives over 2 hours travel from me and sometimes although I may be in the mood when I leave home by the time I get there I lost the inclination. This is usually due to travel problems, there is nothing like a train trip that should take 90 minutes taking 150 to ensure that your good mood evaporates. Having travelled that far we start but it doesn't take her long to realise that my heart isn't in it and an unsatisfactory time is had by all concerned. Fortunately this does not happen very often as usually just being with her is enough to lighten my mood but it is a real pain when it does.
By the way I think that the picture is delightful.
I am glad to hear that you were both finally able to enjoy the scene.
At least for me, it is intriguing to contemplate what kind of spanking or CP one can enjoy or eroticise.
Actually, I never thought about being spanked in anger for something that really caused mischief, as I tend to feel guilty quite easily, too.
I don't think I could spank someone who is really feeling bad either as my natural instinct would be to console the person.
For me, it would be essential to make sure that there are no hard feelings before a scene, but then, playful banter, scolding and witty remarks are great.
Your little dachshund stunt was hilarious, by the way.
A very interesting series of events, suggesting your relationship may have had a shave close. I explain. I am a bright, intellectual, independent woman with two university degrees. Years ago I had a spanko partner/lover (I will call him Topi) with whom I felt deeply in love. We had been together for over two years and during that time enjoyed great sex and fun, erotic consensual spanking.
Then one morning, leaving for work, he said to me, quite seriously, that I had developed some bad habits and that he would need to punish me in order to correct my behavior, starting with my tendency to drink too much wine at the weekend, and for that he would punish me the coming evening. I laughed and said, "Promises! Promises!" to which he replied that he would certainly be keeping that promise, then he went, leaving me looking forward to a fun evening with him.
By the time I came home from a rather difficult day at work, I was quite tired and not feeling much like playing, but I thought that after a meal I might be OK as I had been looking forward to some loving fun. When Topi came home, we ate in relative silence, although he did lecture me on my wine consumption and told me that for my own good he would need to punish me hard. I assumed this was all in his usual good humour, although he did sound quite serious again, as in the morning. I said because I had a bad day and was tired, he should not be too hard on me, to which he replied that I needed to be punished and that it was for my own good.
After dinner, Topi told me to go upstairs and prepare for my punishment, so in the bedroom I took off my skirt and panties and bent over the end of the bed, waiting for him, expecting that although I was tired, he would be understanding and that a bit of fun might lift my spirits anyway. When Topi entered the room, he told me that I would need to be punished bent over a chair, as the bed was far too comfortable for proper punishment. Although I was not too keen, I did as told and bent uncomfortably over the back of the bedroom chair, while Topi selected what turned out to be our "nastiest" cane. He told me to expect no mercy as this was punishment, to which I responded that he should go easy as I was not in the best frame of mind for anything too hard. He just stood, however, unsmiling, doing nasty-sounding air strokes with the cane.
Instead of the usual gentle warm-up, Topi started on me cold, with probably the most vicious stroke he had ever landed on my bottom. I screamed and aksed him to take it easy. "No," he said, "this is well-deserved punishment." He then continued with similarly vicious strokes at intervals of some seconds. By the sixth stroke, I was sobbing and asking him to stop, but he ignored my pleas and changed sides. When I tried to stand up, he simply held me down over the chair back and delivered a further six excruciatingly painful strokes which left me crying uncontrollably. I staggered to the bed and lay down, expecting him to at least cuddle me, but he didn't at first, just lecturing me again on my misbehavior.
After a while, he did give me a bit of a cuddle and I began to feel a little better, then for some reason I got up, took our school strap out of the drawer, handed it to him, and placed myself comfortably over the end of the bed, whereupon he gave me twelve very hard strokes with the strap and afterwards we cuddled and made love. All seemed to end well, with pleasant dreams, although the punishment part had seemed like a nightmare at the time.
Unfortunately, that night marked a point of turning in our relationship. I don't know why, after the punishment, I had encouraged Topi to top me again with the strap and make love to me. I think it was a combination of the feeling that, being tired, perhaps I had initially disappointed him during the punishment, and also an overwhelming feeling that I needed to be loved and cherished by him, not treated brutally. /more
/cont'd
I can see now that it was probably the worst mistake of my life, in that it gave Topi carte blanche to punish me, on a regular basis, for a whole range of real life issues and shortcomings. Over the next few weeks and months, I was punished severely for all sorts of minor transgressions, like turning up a few minutes late to meet him in the shopping mall, spending too long talking to my mother on the phone, bringing mud into the car on my shoes, not ironing his shirts exactly the way he liked them, and so on.
After most of these punishments, I stupidly encouraged Topi to make love to me, I think because I felt I had let him down and that I needed his love, affection and approval. But I began to find that I spent most of my time with a severely bruised bottom (and sometimes bruised hands too, because although he knew I disliked it, he would strap my hands also as punishment). In addition, I found that I could no longer enjoy a "fun" or "erotic" spanking, as all spanking became associated with punishment for real life issues. Probably the worst thing was that I began to feel that my behavior was constantly under a microscope and I became nervous of what I was doing in case it resulted in punishment. In this respect it reminded me too much of my time at convent school, where the strict and vicious nuns would apply disproportionate punishment for the slightest mistake, misdemeanor or breach of school rules.
All this seriously dented my confidence and began to adversely affect my feelings towards Topi, whose character seemed to have changed. Certainly our relationship had become entirely different. Instead of being equal partners, I could feel I was becoming his pain-slut slave doormat, without a mind of my own, and he seemed to relish more and more his masterly power over me.
The last straw came when he recorded one of my more severe punishments on video and said he was going to show it to his friends at work and make it available on the internet. When I said I didn't want him to do that, his reaction was, "Too bad. I own you. Just do as you're told or you know what you'll get." I left the next day while he was at work and although he pestered me for weeks to resume our relationship, I could, with great sadness, see that it could never work out in the long run.
After the intial trauma of splitting up subsided, I could see him for what he had become (or perhaps really was all along) - a vicious, controlling, selfish sadist who had no real respect for my feelings, opinions and wishes, but treated me as a possession. Looking back, I should have seen this earlier, as so often he insisted that his view prevailed and I had been stupid enough to let him get away with it. Eventually I felt that an enormous weight had been lifted from me and that I could now live my own life, make my own decisions and behave as I saw fit instead of being forced into some mold designed by Topi to suit his selfish needs.
I am now in a quite different top/bottom relationship with another man. We have a great deal of fun, both sexually and spanking-wise, but I can see now it is so different from my relationship with Topi. Even though my current partner is (mainly) the top and I am (mainly) the bottom (we switch occasionally), we are very much equal partners. There is no coercion for either of us to do anything we are uncomfortable with and we entirely respect each other's limits. Strangely enough, we do indulge occasionally in punishment spanking relating to real life issues, but it always occurs at the request of, and under the control of, the punishee, and it retains a "fun" element, even if it is intended to modify behavior (e.g. to reduce number of cigarettes smoked, cut down on untidiness, or whatever).
I am so glad everything has changed from my time with Topi. I just wish I had picked up the signs earlier.
Interesting post, Kaelah. Perhaps it's a bit like teasing a friend, when is it just a bit of fun and when is there danger to the person's self-esteem?
Perhaps a way round it is to distinguish Kaelah a bit more from the real you. I always think the idea of a 'naughty twin' is useful, she can get spanked for being late or whatever, but she is separate from the rl lover who is entitled to ultimate respect.
I have this phrase 'harsh on the bottom, but so soft on the soul' that tries to distinguish between spanking play and rl.
Hope I have expressed this OK. All best wishes.
@ Donpascual:
The nice thing about petplay is that, at least for me, it is connected to a child-like kind of innocence. I'm not really into petplay, but being a dachshund from time to time, not only during spanking play, can be quite nice, especially if a few sounds are enough to express my mood and needs. :-)
@ Simon:
You are absolutely right, spanking play definitely depends on the current mood! And sometimes getting into the right mindset simply doesn't work which can be frustrating, especially if one desperately wants to make it work for some reason, for example because chances to play are rare.
And it is not only the mood. I assume that one reason why my pain threshold was so frustratingly low on that day was that it was quite late and I was already tired. So, external factors like that can also make a difference. I keep fingers crossed for you that you have a relaxed journey the next time you are going to meet your Mistress!
Thanks a lot for your lovely compliment on the picture! :-)
@ Fenris:
I assume that we are ticking quite similarly in that respective. Ludwig might be a bit more relaxed about using real-life issues to spice up a play session than I am (no matter whether he plays on the top or bottom side), but he isn't into any serious real-life DD and he wouldn't want to spank anyone who is really feeling bad, either. Like you, his instinct is to console that person and to make that person feel better.
Glad you enjoyed the story of my little dachshund stunt! ;-)
@ MasonPearson:
I very much agree with what you have written! I guess in our case the solution will be to use only very playful topics for spontaneous fun spankings between Ludwig and me and to transfer the more edgy play completely to fictional settings. That way the risks that any unexpected real-life issues come up in my mind during play should be minimalized.
@ Lydia:
I'm very sorry to hear about your sad experiences with your abusive former top, but I'm glad that you seem to have finally found a mate who treats you with respect!
However, I'm not sure whether you meant to imply that Ludwig might be in any way potentially abusive as well. If that's the case, then I have to make it absolutely clear that you are utterly wrong and that in my opinion one should be very careful about making such a horrible assumption / accusation without having any evidence.
What I have written about in this post was a completely consensual erotic spanking scene that merely didn't work out 100 per cent in some parts because I hadn't been aware of my current mindset.
First of all, Ludwig's intent never was to punish me. He just wanted to spice up our spanking play by using some trivial real-life incident as an excuse. Knowing that I love spontaneous play based on a real-life situation but that I at the same time can have problems if that issue for some reason is dear to my heart, Ludwig consciously chose an issue which was so trivial from his point of view that he didn't see any chance that I might take it seriously. He had no chance of knowing that this subject really bothered me. Had I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with the idea, we wouldn't have done the scene. Like you and your current partner, Ludwig and I usually only integrate any real-life background into our play on the request of the spankee, or, as in this case, as a playful teaser on behalf of the top.
Secondly, Ludwig never ever has intentionally spanked me harder than I wanted him to. Quite the contrary, Ludwig prefers to err on the side of caution. When we integrate any kind of real-life premise into our play, Ludwig spanks me even softer than in our usual play, because he wants to make sure that I don't feel pushed. The only problem is that sometimes my mind suddenly shuts down, usually because of something that is only remotely connected to our spanking scene but comes out when I'm opening up during our play, and my pain threshold then goes to zero as well. But even I often don't see that coming until it happens, so how could Ludwig? He has become very good at reading my body language, though. That's why he did everything during our scene to ease me into the spanking and make me enjoy it, and why he finally even stopped the play when he had the feeling that even the softest attempt didn't work for me.
I hope these further explanations make it very clear without any doubt that Ludwig hasn't ever in any way treated me abusively. Spanking play depends on current moods and can sometimes bring up well disclosed emotions, though. It is important for me to openly write about those times, too, because I don't want to cause the false impression, especially for the newbies who might be reading our blog, that spanking play is always completely uncomplicated. That doesn't mean that anyone has done anything wrong, though, or that any harm was done. I definitely wouldn't be with Ludwig if he were abusive.
@ Lydia: For the record, I do not believe that I have "carte blanche" to punish Kaelah for anything, ever, never mind on a regular basis. I thought that this was perfectly clear from the post, but apparently, it was not clear to everyone.
Kaelah and I don't do domestic discipline. Neither of us believes in it as a concept or considers it compatible with the kind of relationship we want. On those (very rare) occasions when we incorporate a "real transgression" into a scene, it is understood by both of us that this isn't serious, but only a pretext for some nice spanking play. And when I realise during a scene that Kaelah is not getting into it, I tone down the spanking or stop altogether. It would never occur to me to go harder in such a situation, never mind to ignore a plea to stop. Neither would it ever occur to me to do any of the other nasty things which this "Topi" guy did to you later on. I don't want a "pain-slut slave doormat". I want an equal partner, which is what I have in Kaelah.
I appreciate that one's perceptions are always coloured by one's past experiences. But to be honest, I am quite hurt by your insinuation that I might turn out to be an abusive arsehole like "Topi". I think that anyone who has paid attention to my writing over the past few years, or who has met Kaelah and me in person, understands that the chance of that is precisely zero. I'm a big, cosy tomcat, basically.
@ kaelah
Sorry, I had no intention of upsetting you, nor of casting aspersions on your relationship - and of course I would never make any accusations or insinuations against Ludwig, whom I have never met. I am somewhat taken aback, however, that you have taken offense so quickly and that you felt it necessary to embark on such a detailed defense of your mate!
To clarify, I thought your readers might be interested to see how two stories with what seem very similar beginnings could be related to two very different relationships and two very different sets of circumstances. It was never my intention to draw parallels by suggesting that you were in any sort of abusive relationship with Ludwig - as I said, having never met him, I would be in no position to judge anyways, but I have never gotten any sort of negative impression about him from your blog writings, nor indeed from his. Of course, I never thought for a moment that you would draw such parallels, in that if you felt your relationship and the events you described were in any way abusive, you would not have written your piece in the first place.
Returning to your response, I think it good that in your original piece you wrote about a session which did not go exactly to plan (even if it ended well). As you say, this could be very helpful to newbies (God, how I hate that word, preferring "newcummers" myself). Similarly, I had hoped that my comments might be helpful to any reader who, as I did, found herself in what suddenly changed from a seemingly fun, erotic and respecting relationship to an abusive one - I guess this could even apply to a male bottom with an abusive top of either sex. I think those new to the scene need to realise that spanking sessions are like sex sessions, football matches, musical performances and so on, in that some are not as good as others and that some can, on occasion, be disappointing, but that's life. Similarly with relationships.
Returning to my own experience with Topi, it is now my view that he may in fact have been "preparing" me for the first couple of years and that it was always his intention to become abusive towards me, on the basis that I was becoming so dependent that I would simply accept his abusive and controlling dominance. Well, the asshole got that one wrong!!
Sorry once more that you took offense at my comments. If you wish, I will go away and not post on your interesting blog ever again. Just let me know.
@ ludwig
I have just seen your response to my comment and I don't want to retype or send separate comment. Sorry you feel hurt by what you saw as my insinuation against you. If you have read my response to Kaelah you will see that no such insinuation was ever intended. I am sure, like me, all your readers know that you are indeed probably a big, cosy tomcat and that in any case, if you weren't, Kaelah wouldn't put up with it for long. Apologies once more that my text was capable of misinterpretation - I don't write the best English. So please forgive me for any upset I may have inadvertently caused - and maybe don't you be so touchy. As someone once said, "You need a thick skin if you are going to stay involved in spanking!" ;-)
@ Lydia:
Thanks a lot for your clarification! It was especially your statement that Ludwig's and my relationship "may have had a shave close" which sounded to me as if you implied that theoretically our scene could lead to something similar as your horrible experience with "Topi".
Since the idea of abuse in a relationship is one of the most horrible things Ludwig and I can think of, it was very important for me to protect Ludwig from any, ever so slight, implication that he might be capable of doing something like that. For me, this is about as bad as implying that he could be(come) a killer or a child abuser or something similarly dreadful. That's why I draw such a strict line here. Any idea of Ludwig being ever so vaguely associated with abuse is terrifying. I don't think that this has anything to do with overreacting but with believing in moral values that make the idea of abuse such a horrible one.
In my opinion "Topi" definitely was an abuser, and you may very well be right in that he always had the intention to abuse you. I absolutely agree with you that it is necessary to openly talk about experiences like that, to point out these possibilities especially to those who are new to the scene, and to encourage everyone to stand up against abuse in our community. So, I thank you for having shared your experiences!
The only risk that applies is when completely different things get mixed up, though. I have read about several situations in which bottoms have accused tops of being abusive, just because the tops didn't manage to perfectly read their minds during a scene. So, while there seems to be a tendency of not taking victims of real abuse seriously in our community and of not encouraging them to openly talk about their experiences, there also seems to be a tendency to accuse tops as abusers based on issues that were simply raised by communication problems. That's why it was so important for me to point out the differences between your experience and mine, and to show that Ludwig isn't to blame for anything. Not everyone seems to be capable to distinguish clearly between abuse on the one hand and communication problems or unexpected developments during a scene on the other. Having experienced that, I wasn't sure whether you had seen the differences and whether others had as well.
I understand that you didn't want to offend either me or Ludwig. And I know that comments can sometimes easily be misinterpreted, especially when it comes to very deep going topics. That's why I think it is important to talk about possible interpretations and to find out what was really meant. So, thanks again for having clarified your point!
@ Lydia: Thank you for your clarification, I appreciate it.
I try not to be overly thin-skinned (you can't afford to when you have a blog and make videos!). But as Kaelah pointed out, abuse is obviously a very serious subject, so it was important for us to be very clear on this - not just as a reply to you, but also for other people who may be reading your comment and drawing parallels that aren't there.
I have had cases where my own comments on something or someone were interpreted in a negative way that was not at all intended. It can happen rather easily on the web - in face to face conversation, you have tone of voice, facial expression, body language etc. to aid with interpretation, whereas in writing, you don't. So I have developed the habit of trying to be extra, super, unmistakably clear in what I write. That's part of the reason for my verbosity! *grins*
Anyway, I am glad that we have cleared this up. Thank you for your comment. And I am very happy to hear that you are in a much better place, with a better partner, today.
Thanks for this very interesting post, Kaelah. As you might have already guessed, you and I react very similarly to the idea of DD. I started to explain my views in this comment, but then I realized I'd already described them here. :-)
For me, the key to spicing things up with punishment is that it has to be for something about which I don't feel particularly ashamed. As you show so wonderfully in this account, it's not always easy even for us to figure out which minor incidents will lead to feelings of guilt that make the scene scary rather than fun. And it's even harder for the top to guess. One solution would be to talk those things through beforehand, but then you lose the spontaneity that is so crucial for getting that extra intensity.
I guess I'm saying that I think it's an inherently difficult challenge for people like us and those who spank us. I suspect it takes a few false starts along the way. Like you, I think it's important for people to talk about these times. Indeed, you were one of the inspirations for this post..
One of the reasons I like this post so much, along with similar posts you've written before, is that they show how a couple in a healthy relationship identify and work to resolve these issues. My read is that Lydia sought to illustrate the difference between the way that happens in healthy and unhealthy relationships. I think her comments would have read very differently had the first sentence, about the close shave, been removed.
I don't for a second think that a slightly different response from Ludwig would have caused irreparable harm to your relationship, nor can I imagine that anyone who knows you, on-line or in person, would have thought so. On the other hand, I think it can be a challenge in a new relationship to discern the difference between a healthy relationship that play with D/s themes, and an unhealthy one.
So Lydia's comments provide valuable warning signs for those who do find themselves with an abusive partner. I don't think it's always so easy to tell the difference, as this haunting story by Mija illustrates. I really hope that people in such relationships will see something like her comment here and realize they have to end them.
We play a tricky game in TTWD, and it's easy for me to imagine that misunderstandings could lead to an end to a relationship that might have otherwise been saved. So I think your descriptions of the way you and Ludwig handle things will also be invaluable to those who are just beginning to push into emotionally deeper space in their play.
Hugs to you both,
Indy
p.s., on a lighter note, I don't think I'd seen the "Reunited" post to which you linked. I'm so glad you did as (a) it made me smile; and (b) it contained Prefectdt's wonderful description of Ludwig as "a bratting opportunity too good to waste." That, of course, made me laugh aloud.
Hello. I feel I must "delurk" in order to spring to the defence of poor Lydia. I think perhaps both of you may have over-reacted a little to her well-intentioned submission. After all, she was just using her own sad (yet finally triumphant) story to answer some of the questions you posed at the end of your original post. I would hate to think any potential commenters might be put off by your reaction to her comment.
I certainly did not read her original comment as in any way suggesting that the Ludwig/Kaelah relationship was at all abusive, nor that it was likely to become so. Regarding her "shave close" remark, I took that as being merely a cautionary reminder that events such as were described in Kaelah's original post can result in a certain amount of undesirable tension in a spanking relationship, usually through misunderstanding on the part of one or other or both of those involved. I can, though, understand Ludwig's remarks about the reasons for his own notable verbosity in his writings, comparable to that of another notably precise contributor who will remain nameless, but (fortunately perhaps!) not everyone can write with their degree of clarity and precision.
On the wider issue raised by Lydia and her experiences with Topi, we bottoms (especialy female bottoms, if you can allow that expression), need to be aware that, like it or not, we can, probably more readily than the average non-kinky person, become the target of potentially abusive and extremely sadistic predatory tops, usually, but not necessarily always, male ones. It is not that difficult to see why this should be, after all.
I think that far from being criticised and subject to opprobrium, Lydia should actually be congratulated on her courage in writing what she did. I hope that her story may reduce the risk of heartache for any others who may at some time find themselves in the same unacceptable circumstances. I, too, found myself in a relationship which turned from apparently loving to excessively controlling and abusive, and it took me a long time to gather the impetus to leave for pastures new. I think that if I had been able then to read something along the lines of Lydia's comment, I would have been better equipped to handle the issue and could thereby have saved myself several additional months of unnecessary torment. So well done, Lydia!
It is interesting to see, by the way, how many new people have been joining in discussion about your posts recently. You are obviously doing something right that you can get so many to come into the (relative) open! Congratulations on such a successful blog.:-) I am always touched by the warm welcome you give to each new contributor. I am sure the lack of your usual welcome to the "delurking" Lydia was just an oversight!
@ Janina: As I wrote in my reply to Lydia, I am thankful for her clarification. She did not actually mean to insinuate that Kaelah's and my relationship might be heading the wrong way, and Kaelah and I did not mean to be harsh on her or scare her off. So, I think all misunderstandings have been cleared up and we can move on.
You are right, Janina, the issue of abusive tops is of course a very important one, and Lydia should be congratulated for her courage and openness in sharing her story (as you should be). Sadly, your cases are not the only ones I have heard about. I have one friend from the local German scene who has made experiences with an abusive, uncaring top as well. There are a few predators like that in the BDSM / spanking scene. There is always the possibility that abusive men (and sometimes women) are attracted to our scene just like pedophiles are attracted to the boyscouts. What we in the scene must do is be watchful and ostracise such people, and make it very clear that we do not accept such behaviour.
It is indeed interesting to see so many new people delurking and commenting. I have no idea why, but it's great. I was talking to Kaelah a while ago when we weren't getting many comments and she was a bit demotivated. I told her it is probably a seasonal thing and nothing to do with her writing. And I was right - we aren't doing anything differently, and all of a sudden we have all these new commenters. Is the springtime good for spanking blogs?
"I am sure the lack of your usual welcome to the 'delurking' Lydia was just an oversight!"
Is Lydia a delurker? I was convinced that I had seen a Lydia commenting before. But you are right, a search through my comments archive reveals no such name.
A belated warm welcome to you, Lydia! And to you, Janina!
It is terrible to read about the bad experiences other spankophiles made in their relationships.
I don't think there are studies on the subject but I would like to know if there is a statistically significant difference concerning abuse and violence in vanilla relationships in comparison to kinky relationships.
Of course, I congratulate those who had the courage to leave such an abusive relationship, whether kinky or not.
Communication is complicated, you don't need to study Paul Watzlawick to realise this. As already pointed out, one needs to be extra-careful in written communication, especially if you don't know the other person well and you are discussing controversial and emotional topics.
I, as a male, can hardly imagine a worse accusation than abusing a female so I can fully understand that Ludwig wants to make his point crystal clear, even if such an accusation was not intended by Lydia in the first place.
What Kaelah has written about communication problems in a scene is something that worries me indeed. You can completely ruin another person's reputation by calling him a misogynistic predator and abuser, even more so if this person is into BDSM which might be regarded as violent and abusive per se by some people.
No offence to the domestic discipline crowd intended, but I can imagine a relationship with an asymmetry of power in which someone is punished for real offences by someone who is by definition the dominant getting more to a point of becoming problematic compared to a situation in which someone is spanked in roleplay and for fun, especially if the dominant tells himself that the submissive "needs" the punishment and he is doing it for her and not for his own kinky fun. I consider toppy language like "it's for your own good", "you have been asking for this" and "it hurts me more than it hurts you" quite funny in a scene, but I would feel very uncomfortable if someone actually meant it.
Personally, I couldn't imagine myself in a 24/7 relationship, neither as dom nor as sub, as I never really had the desire to dominate someone nor being dominated except in kinky play. I don't know whether this makes me an exception among spankophiles.
Again, it is not my intention to insult those who are truly submissive and have a loving and caring partner.
By the way, I ask myself how many male subs have been the victims in an abusive relationship.
Last but not least, I am looking forward to more interesting comments from Lydia and Janina.
@ Indy:
Thanks a lot for your comment! I already suspected that our views concerning integrating real-life issues into spanking play are quite similar, although it seems to me that you are at least a bit more comfortable than I am about spicing things up by using a real-life premise.
You are of course right in that the difference between Ludwig's and my experience and the horrible things that Lydia had to go through is a very important one, and one that people should be made aware of. The only thing that confused me was Lydia's first sentence but luckily that case has been solved with Lydia's second comment.
@ Janina:
Welcome and thank you for delurking! It's nice of you to spring to the defence of Lydia, although I think that the misunderstanding has already been solved with her second comment and Ludwig's and my replies. It's sad to hear that you have made similarly horrible experiences as Lydia! I have planned to write a post about the risk of being abused in kinky play for a long time. But that is a topic that deserves a well thought post and I don't have the power to write something like that right now. Actually, I barely manage to keep up the blog at all at the moment. That's why this topic will have to wait until I am in a condition to handle it.
Thanks for having pointed out to me that Lydia is a delurker, too! Usually, when I read a comment written by someone whose name doesn't sound familiar, I take a look whether that person has commented before. But I'm not in the best condition right now, so I forgot to take a look, especially because the topic of abuse touched me so deeply and I also somehow thought that the name sounded familiar.
I stand by what I have said before, though, and that is that abuse is such a horrible thing that I would do anything to make sure that my mate Ludwig isn't in any way associated with it. Putting myself out there like that can be scary at times, you know, but the thought that anything I write could make people think badly about a loved one of mine is dreadful. So, I hope that it becomes at least a bit understandable why I might have reacted a bit stronger than usual, having spotted a hint that this could indeed be happening.
@ Lydia:
As Janina pointed out to me, you are a first-time commenter as well. I'm sorry for not having explicitly welcomed you. As I already wrote in my reply to Janina, I only thought about the topic of abuse when I wrote my reply to you. Everyone is welcome to comment here and it wasn't my intention to make you feel like your comment was unappreciated. I apalogize, should I have given you that impression.As I already wrote in my reply to Janina as well, I hope that you have some understanding for my situation and my fear of making someone think badly about my mate because of my open writing. I have experienced several situations in which I thought that I had expressed myself clearly in a post or comment but it turned out that someone got me really wrong. That's why it is always very important for me to clarify things, especially concerning such important subjects. I hope that you are going to comment again, and maybe also help me with warning people, once I get around to writing the post about the risk of abuse that I have intended to write for a long time. As I mentioned to Janina, I'm not in the condition for that right now, but I hope I'll be able to write that post in in a few months' time when I am less busy with everything else.
@ Fenris:
As we already found out, we have a very similar view on DD and power imbalances in kinky relationships! I want to write about so many things in future posts (responsibilities of tops and bottoms in kinky play, potentially risky attitudes in spanking relationships, the risk of abuse) but don't have the energy for all these emotional topics right now. But I'm sure I'll get around it in a few months' time.
I have definitely read about cases of male subs who have been abused, so unfortunately that is a real problem as well. I don't think that kinky people are any more likely to be abusive than vanillas, but I strongly believe that a) abuse is easier to cover in the world of BDSM and b) the kinky community has some appeal for abusive people who disguise themselves as tops. Ludwig already mentioned that in his last comment as well. As I said, I intend to write about that in more detail in a separate post.
@Kaelah
You have dropped more than one hint, that your professional life and this fantastic blog on top of it, are taking a toll.
I think, no reader of your's and Ludwig's blog wants you to get ill or stressed out.
As a relatively new reader I am in no position to speak for the others, but I would suggest to take it easy, Kaelah. For me, there is not need to grind out posts at a set rate.
If something crops up in your mind, you will find time to write about it, if other things are more important, don't force yourself to "invent" a post.
I hope that doesn't sound too patronizing, but in my view you are complaining about stress too often, and you are not the whiny type. Please, take it easy!
Don
@ Donpascual:
Thanks a lot for your concern! I think writing posts regularly isn't the main problem right now because it is an activity which I can plan and it doesn't take too much time, as long as I focus on not overtly controversial topics that can be discussed in shorter posts. What tends to put me under pressure is the fear that others might feel unwelcome or be offended because I don't reply to their comments or e-mails quickly or don't comment on their blogs any more right now. But I guess everyone reading this blog now knows why that is, so I can take that more easily.
@Kaelah,
good to have this out in the open. My concern came from a similar stress experience.
When I realized that I was worrying too much about many spanking partners with difficult biographies, I withdrew from the spanking scene completely. I have not played for more than a year.
That gave me time to regenerate. A while ago, I rediscovered the fun of talking to spankos again.
Good to hear that you all right and enjoy writing your blog without feeling too much pressure.
Don't worry about delaying private communication. It is all a matter of setting priorities :-)).
@ Donpascual:
I agree with you, sometimes it can be a good idea to withdraw (at least for some time) from certain things. I have done so by reducing the number of blogs which I currently read because I realised that thinking too much about controversial spanking-related topics like DD doesn't do me any good at the moment.
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