His Majesty King Football

Unlike most of my German countrymen, I'm not a major football fan. I go along with the mania every two years during the big international tournaments, which is when I tune in once or twice. But I don't usually follow the sport and I've probably seen fewer matches in my lifetime than any of my friends. Except for Niki Flynn, the one person I can think of who is even more clueless about football than I am. The two of us are without a doubt the most unlikely candidates you could think of to make a spanking video about the subject.

But that is exactly what we did when Niki came to Germany to shoot with Loge Cologne. They specialise in interrogation / torture sessions, so if you are into that, check out their movie section (also featuring Amelia-Jane Rutherford aka Ariel Anderssen). In between the electric shocks and candle wax, we also used the opportunity to film a freebie CP clip for our blogs. When the director (and leader of the Loge) Prior Ritze suggested the English-German football rivalry theme, Niki and I were pretty amused - the two of us, of all people, arguing about who has the better team! Between us, we probably know less than five of the current players by name...

But I had never whacked anyone with a flag before, so I was all in favour of the idea. As it turns out, it's a very awkward implement to use because of the air resistance of the cloth. And we didn't have a proper England flag, anyway, only a Union Jack. So I proceeded to a more traditional instrument before long, the cane, which was less cumbersome and elicited a much livelier reaction from Niki, too. I remember the sadistic glee from Amelia-Jane Rutherford and Prior Ritze while they were watching our "match" from the sidelines - their grins got wider with every yelp from Niki. Pity that it's not in the video! But it was an honour to hear Amelia-Jane enthuse about the lovely cane stripes afterwards. I must say, I quite liked them myself.

But don't pity poor little Nikita too much, she wasn't the only one who suffered. Before the scene, I toiled for about 45 minutes, inflating the football beanbag chair with a crappy little bicycle pump that was much too low for my height. I had back pains for the rest of the day. Ah, the sacrifices I make to bring free CP videos to the people... You can watch the result of our team effort in streaming format or you can download it here [Edit: The streaming format is no longer online, but the downloads are]:

MP4 format, 170 MB:
Uploaded.net link

(Click on "'Free Download", wait for the counter to count down, then solve the captcha and download the file.)

Now, if you think that my exploits in Cologne have transformed me into a football fan after all, I have to disappoint you. In light of recent events, I remain ambivalent. See, when I learned that Germany and England would be playing each other on November 19th, I suggsted to Niki that we not only use the occasion to release the clip, but also make a wager on the outcome of the match. To settle the "Who has the best football team?" question once and for all. The loser would be soundly whipped and caned. And moreover, we'd let the blog readers get involved with their own bets, resulting in additional strokes! Great idea, no?

Well, in light of my usual rotten gambling luck, I really should have known better - hey, I'm the guy who lost Amelia-Jane Rutherford in a game of dice, remember? I didn't lose to her, I lost her! How degenerate is that... Not surprisingly, then, the Germans promptly lost Wednesday's match 1:2, and deservedly so (I may not be much of a football expert, but I know weak and uninspired playing when I see it). Which means that Niki will get to exact her revenge for Cologne with a martinet and a cane. Grrr!

I sympathise with the M/F supporters among you who wanted Niki to be thrashed again. If it's any consolation, she is still getting 6 strokes with the martinet for the German goal. Peanuts, I know... Believe me, as a sadist who feels much more at home on the topping side, I would have preferred a different outcome myself! But betting debts are debts of honour, so there is nothing I can do (blame the ruddy German footballers). As well as that, there also seems to be a sizeable F/M fan bloc, and at least they are happy now (bastards).

Here are the lucky winners who bet on England on Niki's blog. The rules were that the loser will get 2 strokes extra with the martinet for each one:

Indy
Keith
Myrr
Niki (yeah, go on and gloat, you snake...)
Pallidbust
RPT
Sandy
The Guv
Tigerbutt

So that is 9 times 2, and together with 6 strokes for each of the 2 goals scored by England, the result is 30 lashes with the martinet. The bet also stipulates that the loser will get 12 proper strokes with the cane, and 2 extra for every reader who successfully predicted the exact final score. Our resident clairvoyants Indy and Sandy both bet on England 2 : Germany 1, which brings the cane strokes to 16. One other comment that somehow got my attention was this one by RPT:

"I so want England to win. Not because I support England or have any interest in football, but I want to see Ludwig caned again. I have no idea why I am so sadistically minded against him, I just am."

That's alright, I always say that sadism needs neither explanation nor justification. It just is. As a fellow unapologetic sadist, I appreciate this kind of twisted affection (which is what cruelty really is, in my view). And so, because I'm jolly well in for it already, I've decided that I'm going to reward this magnificent, honest display of vileness by taking 2 extra strokes with the cane. What the hell. For RPT's personal amusement, and to bring the total to 18, which is a "triple six of the best" and a much more harmonious number, anyway (I really don't like 16 and I obviously can't reduce it, so this is the only option).

Final score: 30 with the martinet, 18 with the cane. More harmony as it all adds up to 48 = four dozen. The bottom line is, I'll never bet on a bloody football match again. Or any other sport, for that matter. But there are some occasions when even the mad ruler of Rohrstock-Palast has to defer to his fellow royal majesty, King Football (and to his gleeful executioner).

You'll have to be patient, though, because Niki and I probably won't get together again until next spring. But obviously, the England vs. Germany match was too good an occasion to pass up, even if it means that the readers have to wait a while to see the aftermath. In the meantime, you can enjoy this clip here of the American brat getting a caning of her own. I certainly had a good time giving it to her. Mm-hmm, gorgeous little stripes (actually, in light of how hard it is to mark that girl, they're really not bad at all). Must be tough for her to have to wait all winter until she finally gets her revenge.