Facing the Darkness

When the first wave hit me, I was almost unprepared. Though I shouldn't have been. Instantly, I began to sweat. I tried to calm myself down. Controlled breathing can be helpful, but it didn't work this time. Every time I thought it might be over, it started again.

I signalled Ludwig what was going on and that I had the feeling I couldn't take it anymore. He listened and calmly talked to me. The communication helped me to focus and to believe that I could make it through. But then another stroke hit target and another one and another one. My whole body was covered with sweat and I was shaking uncontrollably. Several times I started crying. For a moment I thought that this might be going on for the rest of my life and that I might be losing my sanity.

And then it was over. I don't know how long it lasted exactly, maybe one hour. Afterwards I was totally exhausted, my body still shaking. I told Ludwig that I could manage alone now, though. For a while I listened to some music and eventually laid myself to sleep again. It was about 6 o'clock in the morning.

I hate anxiety attacks. My experience with them surely is one reason why I don't want to be pushed over the edge in my spanking play and why I don't seek any loss of control (at least not in the context of dark scenarios). I think accompanying someone during such an experience is much more difficult than leading a spanking scene as a top. The basic dilemma is quite similar, though. One can try to offer a safe environment as well as encouragement, but ultimately it is the one experiencing the situation who has to deal with the challenge and make it through. In contrast to a top in a spanking scene, someone accompanying another person during a panic attack doesn't even have the power to control or stop the process, though. That's what makes it much more challenging.

I have experienced (luckily not very many) anxiety attacks on a few different occasions in my life, for instance when I started living on my own or after my mum had died. I know the background, the triggers and that the feeling of anxiety becomes less frequent and finally disappears once I get used to a new situation. The important thing is that running away is not an option. Trying to reduce the pressure – yes, taking good care of oneself – most certainly, but avoiding certain life challenges because of the fear only reduces one's personal freedom in life and makes it all the worse.

Right now I have to deal with new challenges caused by several current and upcoming major changes, and the fact that I was very tired and exhausted and Ludwig was going to leave the next day led to the recent anxiety attack. Ludwig did the only right thing to do, though. He left the next day as planned, but offered to be there on the phone, should I need someone to talk. We both know that I have to face my anxiety on my own if I want to quickly get back in control again. This is how I handled previous situations like this one as well. Which is not to say that support from family and friends and maybe even professional help to find out more about the background and the triggers when the anxiety first comes up isn't important to have. Still, no one can take away my fears. Only I can.

The "trick" is to go through the situation and to confront the anxiety, to adjust the elements that can be changed and to accept and get used to those parts of the challenge that can not or from a long-term perspective should not be changed. Again there is a parallel to spanking. A very severe scene can easily break a bottom who is unprepared and starts panicking, having the feeling of not being able to take it. But, if one manages to adjust some parameters to fit one's personal limits and if one gets used to the intensity of the strokes and begins to believe that one can take them, even a severe, painful beating can be a very empowering experience.

When Ludwig left, it wasn't easy for me. I couldn't eat more than just a few bites that day. But we had a wonderful walk (physical exercise is crucial when fighting a depressive mood) during which we talked about our future which gave me a new perspective and hope. I managed to send Ludwig on his way without shedding a tear. Even though I neither slept very well nor very long, I made it through the following night without calling Ludwig. We only exchanged e-mails because he arrived at home very late at night and we only talked on the phone more than 24 hours after Ludwig had left. Despite of my physical state, I also managed to fulfill all my job duties and I didn't have another anxiety attack since then. I am proud of this because it tells my that all the work that I put into learning to know myself and my needs better finally starts paying off. I will most probably have to deal with anxiety time and again for my whole life. But chances are good that we are only talking about certain (and hopefully short) periods here.

After my anxiety attack the night before he left, Ludwig mused that for some "daddy" tops the idea of taking care of such a shaky, tearful, helpless-looking bundle like me at that time surely would have a great appeal. To be honest, I am happy that Ludwig is not one of those tops. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if my vulnerability in such a moment has a certain appeal for Ludwig and I don't mind if it awakens his protective instincts. But I am glad that Ludwig is the kind of guy who understands that I have to stand up for myself and confront my fears and that I should not rely on him to take care of everything for me in such a situation. I don't need a white knight in shining armour who solves the issue for me. I need a companion who helps me put on my own armour and improve my own fighting techniques. I think that's a huge challenge because in my view, men are usually trained to "solve" a problem rather than remaining passive and lending an ear for difficult and long talks.

Ludwig willingly accepts that challenge, though, and I am both very lucky and glad to have a man like him. I am also happy that I am feeling better right now. But I am aware that the fears will most probably come back from time to time during the upcoming months. If that happens, it will feel like the darkness is going to last forever. But it won't. And one day the anxiety related to the current situation will be gone for good. I hope that day will be soon and I am confident that I can make it happen.

In the meantime you might hear a bit less from me since I am extremely busy and sometimes rather tired. Ludwig offered to support me by blogging more regularly, which will be great for the blog. I already very much enjoyed his post about the prisoner's dilemma.

Apart from that, all that can be done is laughing about certain aspects of this situation. Because some of the ideas on how to deal with anxiety attacks are actually really hilarious if one imagines that one would follow them in a public environment, for instance at work. For example, one advice is to touch an object that has a pleasurable and soothing haptics. I couldn't help imagining what co-workers might think of a business colleague who suddenly starts cuddling and petting a stuffed animal at work! Another advice which made Ludwig and me laugh: Turn on some music, clap your hands to the rhythm of the beat and sing along. Doesn't that sound like a great advice for a business meeting?

The truth is, anxiety sucks. But a good laugh is what makes life worth living!

One final thought: Today is Mother's Day in Germany. Yesterday I put red and white roses on my mum's grave. Her much too early death was the most horrible experience in my life so far. As I already told you, my mother was a wonderful woman. She also was very strong and she taught me to believe in myself and to accept myself the way I am. It's incredibly sad that she is gone and I miss her immensely. But I am lucky in that she helped me to become strong enough to even be able to live without her being around (at least not physically, she will of course always be in my heart). So, let me end this very personal post by saying: Thank you, Mum, for having been such an incredible person and mother!