Kaelah's Corner (Feb 2013): What am I Doing Here?

(Update 2013/03/04: It seems that Dee is back after only a few days. And she deleted the original final post.)

The spanking blogging community is a constantly changing universe. Bloggers disappear, old blogs are deleted, new blogs and bloggers turn up. Today, Dee decided to quit writing her own blog. In her final post she says (amongst other things): "I'm not going to be blogging anymore. Blogland isn't the same for me/to me anymore."

It raises a question which has already been on my mind for a few days, maybe because recently was the fourth anniversary of my very first spanking with Ludwig, and which I assume has occasionally crossed the minds of some of you as well: What am I doing here? Why am I here and what do I expect from the kinky online community?

When I think about that question, I come to the conclusion that the answer for me has changed several times from the day I came across the word "spanking" for the very first time and started lurking on blogs until now.

At first, I was very fascinated by having just found out how the kink I was fantasising about was called and that there were so many other people who shared it. All the stories and accounts that I read and the pictures I came across aroused me and fed my fantasies. At first, I was just reading and watching, being in the process of dealing with the new revelation and what it meant for me and my life.

After a while, though, I wanted to be a part of this, as a blog commenter. I wrote my first ever comment here on this blog (under my original nickname K'Ehleyr) and contacted Ludwig via e-mail. I was a bit shy about commenting, though, because I somehow didn't really feel entitled to voice my opinion, since I had never made any real erotic spanking experiences of my own. For instance, when Ludwig published the complete tapes of his caning which he received from Niki Flynn for the Comeuppance clip as a bonus, I didn't dare participating in the discussion about video viewer preferences that unfolded in the comment section. Because I thought: What gives me the right to voice an opinion about which kinds of reactions I want to see as a viewer as long as I haven't made any experiences with spanking myself and therefore don't know how it feels for the ones in front of the camera? With hindsight, I would say that my fear was unnecessary, but at that time I preferred to tell Ludwig about my thoughts in a private e-mail.

When I asked Ludwig to meet in person and whether he could imagine to introduce me to the world of erotic spanking, I hoped to become one of his scene friends, about whom he wrote in his posts. And when I finally prepared our very first scene, I thought that maybe he would like to write about it on the blog. I very much liked that thought and the idea of becoming a better known member of the kinky blogging community as well as an active spanko.

Then Ludwig and I became a couple and it was very clear to me that I wanted to be a regular part of the blog now. At that time Ludwig had just guest-topped for two of the biggest spanking video producers (Mood and Lupus), though, and he knew several spanking models as well. So, I felt that despite of being an active spanko then, I was still many steps behind him. I wanted Ludwig's scene friends, the other bloggers and the blog readers to see me as his equal mate, not only as the little girlfriend of the famous blogger and video star. And so, my start as a blogger was more about marking my territory and trying to keep up with Ludwig than about pure fun.

Over time, I became more and more self-confident, though. I met several of Ludwig's scene friends and started making my own contacts. We published our first spanking videos together. People seemed to like my posts. At that time, blogging helped me a lot to sort out my own thoughts. I very much enjoyed the discussions on our blog and the positive feedback. I also realised how much I liked publishing pictures and how much self-confidence it gave me. My journey became less about keeping up with Ludwig and more about me and my own fun as well as our explorations together as partners.

At that time, I invested more and more time into the online community, hoping to create a strong network of friends here. We travelled to meet fellow bloggers in the UK and the US and sometimes in Germany, too. But after a while, I had to acknowledge that we live too far away from most of our fellow bloggers to develop really close friendships. Because those usually require to meet each other in person, at least from time to time. And so I decided to be happy about interesting blog discussions, personal e-mail correspondence and the occasional real life meeting, but at the same time not to have any unrealistic expectations.

Since Ludwig decided to blog less which meant that I took over the main responsibility for our blog, I also had to decide where I wanted the blog to go. Yes, I like stats and numbers. Okay, one might also say that I am (at least a little bit) obsessed with numbers. In order to get a really high number of visitors, though, a spanking blog needs to be mainstream. Which means, M/F stories, lots of pictures and maybe also stories about submission and real life discipline because that's what a huge subsection of the spanking community is interested in.

For a while, I thought about becoming more engaged on DD / Ds blogs and the like because there is an increasing number of them and they have a high number of loyal commenters. But then I realised that the kind of erotic spanking which Ludwig and I practise and real life DD are two very different things. And I accepted that I simply don't belong to that part of our community and that my fantasies and my lifestyle lack too many aspects to allow me to write a blog which attracts a huge number of (at least the rather mainstream) spankos like, for instance, Bonnie's, Ronnie's or Hermione's blogs. I also accepted that certain topics which aren't mainstream (like M/M spankings, switching in an equal relationship or long philosophical ramblings) are very important to me. So, I decided to keep writing about them, even though they might be less interesting for many fellow spankos. To keep a kind of a balance, though, I made the decision to throw in the one or other fun post and picture post as well.

After having done this for a while now, though, I ask myself why I am (still) here today? I have to admit that I don't have a clear answer right now. When we discussed the topic, Ludwig mentioned one factor. I like to organise things and to keep them running smoothly. I think that's definitely a part of my motivation. Ludwig and I both put a lot of time into developing this blog, and I like the idea that we have regular readers and commenters who enjoy coming back.

There is more than that, though: I still definitely enjoy the creative acts of making photos and videos and the self-confidence that publishing them gives me. I also still like talking about thought-provoking topics, even though there are less spanking-related discussions which are interesting for me nowadays, since the discussions are of course often about recurring themes. I love to look at our stats and see how many visitors we have, but even more important are the comments that we get, especially when they are very thoughtful or personal. And I love the correspondence with readers and fellow bloggers (to some of whom I feel very close, sometimes despite of never having met them in person), even though I don't expect to find lots of close personal friends any more. I think the combination of all these things is the reason why I am still part of the online community and why I am still blogging, even though the initial enthusiasm has worn off.

How about you? What are you doing here? And, have things changed over time? I would be very happy to read your thoughts in the comment section! And I would like to encourage especially those who would like to participate but have the feeling that they aren't really active and recognized parts of the kinky online community, yet. You are all very welcome and you would make my day!