Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kaelah's Corner (Jan 2012):
The Meaning of F/F Play

(Pandora and Jane topping me, more about that scene soon.
Picture courtesy of SM Circus Sands.)

My Kaelah's Corner post from last September Objects in the Rear View Mirror... as well as Poppy's post Girl on Girl Action which she wrote at about the same time inspired Mija a short time later to publish a very interesting piece of writing titled Playing With Others. Later I read another post, this time written by Emma Bishop and titled Spanking with hyenas in the pleasure dome. All three posts made me think a lot and resulted in this follow-up piece of writing you are reading today.

Poppy's post was about her lack of interest in F/F spankings. In her thoughtfully written analysis, Poppy came to the conclusion that she needs a male presence to find a spanking erotic. Like she put it: "I find men attractive, I really do and in spanking, the male presence is key for me. I like the spanker to have what my girlfriends call, 'Throw down.' That means that he could look at you with wooflish eyes, sweep whatever is on the table to the floor and suddenly you find yourself in an indelicate position being ravished. And what fun it is too. The masculine element to a spanking is vital to me. I like that he is bigger than me. I like that he is stronger to me. I like his deep voice. I like that it is the 'other', a being different to me. I need these things for a spanking to be erotic."

Poppy's post made me think about my play experiences with others and what these experiences say about myself and about my view of my relationship with Ludwig. F/F definitely is the spanking constellation I fantasise about the least. Still, most of my play partners have been female and I also feel slightly more comfortable playing with women than playing with men. What does that mean? Is it a sign that my play is different from my fantasies, that I'm even more open there for different constellations? Mija's post finally gave the answer.

In it, she wrote about her own experiences with casual spanking play with friends and that this form of play for her usually doesn't involve any sexual tension, but is much more an expression of friendship. In her own words: "There's no doubt that I like M/F, M/M and F/F in about that order (I'm less into reading F/M but have and do) but also about equally. What matters most to me is that there be little to no sexual tension / erotic energy. The less of it there is the more erotic I find it. The same is true with my play -- I don't generally feel erotic tension with almost anyone I play with. For me, spanking play is generally an expression of friendship and caring in that sense. Playing with someone, with a few exceptions, doesn't increase or excite my sexual attraction for that person."

Then last December, Emma Bishop published a very insightful post about what she would do as a model or a sub. It also contained thoughts about the differences between her play with her husband and with other people. Emma wrote: "[...] once I (personally) am in a relationship [...] I am fiercely loyal. My line in the sand with anyone else is drawn at spanker-spankee relationships that would have happened in any domestic or ‘classroom’ situation. Of course mild physical affection, good social times and making fantastic friends to be there for me and me for them is always what I want to get out of it."

After having read Mija's and Emma's posts it became clear to me why I am more comfortable playing with women in my private play. It actually isn't a sign of a special openness. On the contrary, what it reflects is the strictly monogamous attitude which I have towards my love relationship with Ludwig. The only person I want to encounter any erotic experiences with is my mate. My spanking play with others is supposed to be strictly non-sexual, and the easiest way for me to ensure that is by playing with women, since I'm straight and sexually only interested in men.

That doesn't mean that I can't find women attractive and it also doesn't mean that I can't find non-sexual scenarios erotic. But there is no direct sexual tension between the people I play with and me during the scene, and that is exactly how I want it. Of course I like the people I play with very much and I still get something out of the scenes, only that it isn't erotic thrill. Spanking experiences with others can be expressions of friendship like Mija so aptly described them. They can also be creative experiences (especially when talking about film-scenarios) which allow me to play around with characters and character traits. For example at our shoot for Pandora (more on that soon) I got to play a completely unemotional and unaffectionate character in one scene, which was a very fascinating experience.

Of course I can also have these experiences with men and I think that I will become more comfortable over time with men as well. It is just a bit easier for me with women because at least from my side, erotic thoughts don't come up at all. And since it is known that I'm straight, I somehow don't worry that the women I play with could misinterpret anything I do as sexual advances. Which makes it easier for me to let go. Generally, the better I know people and the better they know me and my limits, the easier it is for me to feel comfortable enough for play, no matter whether they are female or male.

It took me a long time to figure out how to classify spanking play when it comes to my limits as a monogamous person. Don't get me wrong, I haven't got any problem with polyarmory, but I was always looking for something different for myself. I knew that I was always striving for a strictly monogamous relationship when it came to vanilla sex, but since the idea of living out spanking fantasies, let alone sharing them with more than one person never came into my mind until a short time before I met Ludwig, I had no idea how to deal with that part of my sexuality at first.

In the spanking blogging community polyamory or at least a certain openness to share spanking experiences with various partners seems to be quite common. Sometimes it also seems to be a kind of inevitable path - the longer you are in the community, the more open you get, and not being ready to play with others can easily be interpreted as a sign of insecurities, of not being ready, yet.

So it took me a while to understand that my limits weren't just a result of insecurities, although those of course exist, since this is my first-ever love-relationship, but that I was generically longing for a different kind of relationship. And it took me a long time to define my own limits, to find out with what I am comfortable with when it comes to spanking and what is outside of my boundaries. To be honest, it was quite a painful process sometimes and it affected of course not only me but Ludwig as well. After all, we both have our needs, our hopes and our limits and had to try to bring it all together.

All these stories are very personal but maybe I will write more about where I came from before I met Ludwig, what monogamy means to me and why I long for it and the development in Ludwig's and my relationship in a future post. What I can say is that we have found a common way that works for both of us. Ludwig recently even managed to take away a huge bit of the feelings of guilt which I had when I realised that the kind of monogamy I long for excludes certain forms of spanking play with others. I think we wouldn't be were we are now if we didn't communicate so openly and honestly all the time, though.

How about you? Do you play with different people? Do you have different limits for casual play and play with more intimate partners? How about the different genders, are you open for play with people of your own and / or the opposite gender? And if anyone has experienced spanking play both in times of being single and of being in a relationship: Did being in a relationship make any change? Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section.


Rich Person said...

I've had spanking experiences with several people, all women. I don't seek out spanking experiences with men. I would be open to it, but my sexual interest would not be with him. If there were a woman that wanted me to play with a man for her benefit or that had a male partner and wanted him to be a part of the scene, then that would be okay.

I don't generally have an interest in spanking that doesn't have some erotic component. That component may be more relationship-oriented than sexual, but it is still related to the sexuality of the spanking. Watching and participating in spanking is arousing for me.

Not all the women I've had spanking experiences with have been directly part of an ongoing sexual relationship I had with them. However, there was a sexual attraction to it, even if I was not prepared to have sexual intercourse or even more limited sexual engagement with her. There was some element of sexual energy involved in these scenes, even when there was no physical sexual contact. The woman knew that I was thinking about her as a sexual partner, just one where the activity was spanking-related.

A number of the encounters I've had have been within my close intimate relationships with women. These have sometimes been for disciplinary purposes, rather than erotic encounters. The discipline within the relationship has helped to build intimacy which is different from sexuality but still very physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual. These were expressions of caring and desire for closeness.

My relationships have not generally been monogamous. I was in a married, monogamous relationship for a while, but I didn't find it suitable. I'm broadly attracted to women and I don't want to limit my actions with them except in terms of what the individual woman wants with me. So, it has not been a barrier in my thinking to have spanking activities with more than one woman at a time.

I think it would be interesting to have experiences with men. This would need for me to be in terms of a scenario that a woman I care about wanted. In that case, she could put me in play with another man for her entertainment. I guess that might sound boringly heterosexual, but I'm boringly heterosexual. Nevertheless, I'm an open-minded boringly heterosexual man.

Kaelah said...

@ Rich Person:
Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts and experiences! It makes a lot of sense to me that as a heterosexual man you aren't interested in M/M play with a direct sexual tension between you and the other man. I guess that is quite similar to my view as a heterosexual woman on F/F play. But I think it is cool that you would be open to try M/M play if a woman you care about fancied it.