Friday, September 30, 2011

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2011):
Objects In The Rear View Mirror...

In a few minutes the last lesson of the day would begin. We were standing in the corridor in front of our classroom, a bunch of girls and boys aged about fourteen. Suddenly, one of the cool kids had an idea: “Hey, let's all skip class. The teacher is a jerk, anyway.” Within seconds the word spread. And everyone seemed to agree.

Then, someone said: “But Andrea and Kaelah, you two won't come with us, right?” At once, all pairs of eyes focussed on my best friend and me. We were inseparable, two kindred spirits fighting against the rest of the world. And our points of view didn't always fit to what the rest of our classmates thought. So, the assumption that we might not be game wasn't unfounded.

I didn't have to think very long. Indeed I wouldn't go with them. Not because I liked that particular teacher more than the others did. Just because skipping class didn't feel like the right thing to do for me. Had anyone come up with an idea for a funny prank like in the books that I loved to read... But simply running away?

Andrea and I maybe wanted to skip school once, shortly before our graduation, to see how it felt. But spontaneously, just because someone thought it was a funny idea? No, thank you. Group pressure and group activities weren't my thing, anyway. After all, I considered myself a human being, not a sheep.

It was Andrea who spoke up, though: “I don't know what K's going to do, but I am going to come with you.” That definitely was not what I had expected. I was stunned. But I didn't change my mind. I had my beliefs and I wasn't good at changing them from one second to another. It's still something that doesn't work well for me today.

A few seconds later I was still standing in the corridor, alone. The others including Andrea were gone. This was the day I lost my best friend. A day that has influenced me a lot. And a day that has defined limits for my kink as well.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't tell you this story in order to discuss any ethical questions or questions of guilt with you. Both, Andrea and I, had to make a spontaneous decision. I hadn't been aware that she had obviously become more and more unhappy in the role of an outsider. Skipping class with the others was her chance to participate in a group activity and to gain more acceptance from our classmates.

And I? Looking at it from today's perspective, having skipped one lesson wouldn't have been as evil as I considered it to be when I was fourteen years old. I still don't find it very cool and I would still prefer a funny prank, but I know that it wouldn't have caused the world to stop. At the time it felt wrong, though, and I wouldn't have been able to look in the mirror the next morning had I decided against my beliefs. And so I stayed behind.

Of course, at the time, Andrea's decision felt like betrayal to me. And it conjured one of my greatest fears: Being left behind by a person I trust because they decide that I'm not cool enough for them and that being accepted by others is more important than staying at my side.

It was this special fear that caused some initial difficulties in Ludwig's and my relationship, especially concerning kinky activities.

As you all know, Ludwig had played with different people before we met and he had just started making films when we became a couple. At that time, film-making was very important to him and he had a mental list of producers and models he wanted to work with. I, on the other hand, had never played with anyone else than Ludwig, and didn't have any intention to do so. The idea of making spanking clips had also never occurred to me before I met Ludwig.

Ludwig had already started his journey in the kinky community, though, and again I had to make a decision: Coming with him or staying outside. This time I wanted to become a part of the community Ludwig belonged to. And I wanted to be seen as Ludwig's partner in the kinky community.

Since Ludwig was a public persona and had already published spanking clips with other women, the wish to be seen as his equal partner led to my desire to make clips that had to be at least as important to Ludwig as the ones which he had made with others. That's why I started making clips, despite of knowing that this was something that I did primarily in order to feel like a part of Ludwig's community and to mark my territory, not something that I sought so much for myself.

Ludwig took my concerns re clip making very seriously and never pushed me. But at the same time he was of the opinion that partners who really love each other give each other as much freedom as possible. For him, making spanking clips was something completely different from our private play as partners, something creative and artistic rather than something sexual. And of course the storylines were much more interesting to him the more people and variety were involved. So, the list of producers and models remained. I was very welcome to join Ludwig, but he still wanted his film-scenes with others as well.

Dealing with this took me a long time because the situation brought up my old fears. I had the feeling that, despite of this time having made the decision to follow Ludwig instead of staying behind, this still wasn't enough. I felt that I wasn't enough, that Ludwig still wanted his own experiences with others who were cooler than me in order to show off in front of the community.

It took me a while to understand what was going on with me and to explain the situation to Ludwig. Luckily, the issues disappeared step by step. I found out that I liked making spanking clips, even though only within certain limits. Ludwig and I developed film projects that worked for both of us and that included others as well. And, last but not least, the landscape of producers and models in the scene changed and film-making became less important for Ludwig, so that he didn't mind not doing the one or other project that might have been outside my comfort zone.

The second kinky aspect that was influenced by my fear, though, was private play with others. In the beginning this was something that I didn't seek, anyway, and an idea I didn't feel comfortable with. This never was a big problem, though, because Ludwig wasn't too keen on playing with others in private, either. Not that he didn't like the idea, but it wasn't as important for him as film-making.

But over time, as I realised how much I liked making clips and posting kinky pictures, at least the idea of playing in front of others developed a certain appeal. Still I was reluctant to try it for real. The reason was that I was afraid of getting the feeling that Ludwig and I, being top and bottom, were standing on opposite sides during the scene and that he and the spectators were having fun at my expense. I knew that even the typical little mockery that tops do during a scene could cause that feeling with me, and I didn't want to take that risk.

Again, Ludwig and I talked a lot about this. And we came to the conclusion that it might work after all. We only had to find a fitting scenario. A scene in which he used me as a kind of demonstration object which he proudly presented to the spectators came to our minds. Or a scene with a kind of double-agent storyline, in which Ludwig spanked me in front of others, but behind the scenes we were working together and it would be us against the rest of the world.

Interestingly, we finally didn't need any of these special storylines. At Shadow Lane, I suddenly felt ready not only to play in front of others, but also with others. I think it is still something that I only long for within certain limits and nothing that I have to do every time I meet other kinksters. But after my Shadow Lane experience I'm sure that playing in front of or with others on special occasions will bring me a lot of fun that I don't want to miss out on.

But why is it suddenly possible for me to try these things? I have thought about this question and came to the conclusion that it has to do with different factors: My own kinky experiences, the development of Ludwig's and my relationship and the friendships that I have developed in our community.

First of all, writing this blog and posting pictures and clips has made me a lot more self-confident. From our clip-making experiences I also know that playing with others (at least the way Ludwig and I do it) is something completely different from our play as a couple, and I don't have to be afraid that another woman could become more important to Ludwig than I am.

Over time I have come to trust Ludwig to know me well enough to take care of me and to avoid things that could make me feel bad in a scene. I also know that he won't push me and that trying something out once doesn't mean that I have to do it permanently in the future. That means that I can always listen to my gut feeling and see whether I'm in the right mood for play.

Last but not least, at the Shadow Lane party I also trusted the people we played with and knew that they would never push me and that I wouldn't ever develop the feeling that they made fun of me. They might watch with a sadistic glee, but it would always be affectionate sadism and that is of course something completely different from having fun at someone else's expense.

Still, certain fears will always remain a part of me. And certain scenarios surely won't ever hold any appeal for me because they would bring up negative memories and emotions. But talking openly about everything, developing ideas of things that could work and learning how to treat and to trust each other in my relationship with Ludwig made it possible for me to try out new kinky activities, despite of my fears. I'm curious to see what the future will bring. I'll surely find out, at my own pace and with the partner I trust.


Ursus Lewis said...

It must be great to have a kinky partner and somebody to explore your spanking world with. I'm glad you are on this jorney to discover what you like and what is fun for you and being able to do it.


I enjoyed reading that post. It sounds like you have developed a more relaxed attitude and are developing some trust in others that seemed difficult for you before.


John said...

Really interesting and thoughtful post, Kaelah. I'm glad your kink life is going so well for you and you are enjoying the new experiences.

Mija said...

Hi there. Your blog post as well as Poppy's about F/F play prompted me to write one of my own. Here's the part that was inspired by your writing:

Playing in front of others is something that sometimes feels right for me, but more frequently I prefer to do scenes in private. Other times I want to play with someone else and want Paul there to see / watch, especially when I know the top in question likes performing. And I've enjoyed having a public audience for my hand tawsing scenes. Mostly though, play is something I like doing in private.

Kaelah's post reminded me of something else though. The achingly insecure jealousy I used to feel when Paul played with other people. Don't get me wrong, I was playing with others myself and wanted him to do the same. But I couldn't get over my good fortune in having found someone who loves me and wants to spank me. I knew I was his first partner and was sure, for too long a time, that he'd soon find someone he liked playing with better than me and wouldn't love me anymore. It drove me nuts because I knew these feelings stemmed from my own insecurities, not from anything real. Even when Paul did develop intense feelings for another, it never made him feel less for me.

I'd like to say that I've outgrown these feelings of insecurity. Mostly I have. But what I'm struck by is how worth it playing with others is. Spanking, for me, as an expression of friendship has allowed me to feel intense affection for people I see rarely yet feel I know intimately. And of course I want the same for Paul. (In fact, I feel a lot of affection for anyone he plays with too. It's like I've played with them by proxy.)

Indy said...

What a lovely and interesting post! I found myself smiling at the end, but not quite as widely as I smiled when I saw that you were comfortable enough to join in the play at Shadow Lane. Even at a kinky party, some smiles are affectionate without a hint of sadism. Perhaps not many, but some! ;-)

Kaelah said...

@ Ursus:
It is indeed great to have a partner with whom I can explore my kink. I guess that one doesn't necessarily need a love relationship in order to make wonderful new kinky experiences, though. With good friends this is also possible.

@ Prefectdt:
That's a very interesting point. I think I'm a person who can generally trust others very quickly and deeply, maybe more than many others do. But I guess I didn't expect to find anyone except from my parents to whom I'm not just one friend among others but more important than (almost) everyone else. And I didn't trust myself to be attractive enough to compete with other women and to find a man who decides to stay with me. With Ludwig and also because of my blogging activities I've developed that trust (not always and not 100 per cent, though, but still...).

I have to admit that I was surprised to read your comment because I thought you are on a hiatus and might not be reading any blogs at all. I hope you have a wonderful blogging-free time!

@ John:
Thank you very much for your comment! It's indeed great to make new experiences and to develop more self-confidence and a a more relaxed attitude over time.

@ Mija:
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful comment and for your fascinating post! You gave me a lot of new thought-fodder and I think I'll write a follow-up post, soon. Poppy's post also touched me and I was already thinking about a reply for quite a while. In combination with your post it gave me some new interesting insights which I will cover in my follow-up post.

@ Indy:
I know that not all smiles at spanking parties are of the sadistic kind! That was especially true for our lovely group at Shadow Lane and I think that was the reason why I felt so relaxed and happy. It was great to have you there and it was an honour and a pleasure to play with you! :-)

Kami Robertson said...

In my opionion only insane person would not worry about their partner going and playing with others. What matter its what we do with these worries and how can we work it out.

Its good to read that you are relaxing and changing that makes both of you happy.
I wish you loads of great new discoveries, whatever they might be :)

Kaelah said...

@ Kami:
Thanks a lot for your good wishes. I guess we all evolve over time, one way or another. You seem to be in the process of craving and trying new things as well. I was very happy to see that your severe scene with Abel turned out to be such a good experience for you (even if it was of course hard during the scene)!