In my post titled Almost (Un)real I mused about how much I show of myself on the blog. I think that despite of protecting my vanilla identity I'm very open and honest in my posts and show quite a lot of myself, my thoughts, experiences and fears. But in the same post I already admitted having certain limits. In my case these limits affect the question of how much to show visually, in pictures as well as in films. Since Ludwig had already made spanking clips before we met, his face was already well known among the community. I had the choice between staying his faceless girlfriend or joining in. And – as you all know – I've chosen the latter option. While I prefer making aesthetic pictures and embedding them into little storylines, like in my To Everything There's A Season or the What You Say Is What You Get post, I had a lot of fun when Ludwig and I made our first clip (which will now definitely be released soon) together, too!
But still, there are certain fears going along with publishing erotic pictures and clips, and limits I don't overstep. Although I've been completely naked on some of the pictures I posted, you won't find any photos of me including any frontal nudity. And I only publish pictures and clips I'm completely happy with. The reason for me being that careful has of course to do with my desire to look beautiful and certain insecurities about my looks. But there's more to it than that.
In the comment section on the Waving Flag post Val wrote: ”[...] for me, sharing images and stories of my play and of my partner is the same with letting others touch, or let myself be touched in person [...]“. The feeling that having pictures and films of me gives others power over me and my body is exactly what scares me, too. I know rationally that this is of course nonsense, there is nothing like vodoo and pictures or films showing me aren't me! But in my feelings they seem to come close. And there's a difference between showing pictures or films to someone or posting them on the internet which makes the whole thing even scarier: When you show pictures to someone and suddenly realise that you don't feel comfortable with it any more, you can simply close your album and the only remaining thing is the usually quickly fading memory of the person who has seen the evidence. Once you've published something on the net you can't take it back. People can copy it, save it on their hard disk, send it to whomever they want, print it and do whatever they like with it. There's no way back!
To find out what's really behind my fears I asked myself under which conditions they appear and under which conditions I don't have or hypothetically wouldn't have a strange gut feel. First of all, the fears only appear in the context of people knowing my face. I guess that has to do with the fact that humans usually distinguish other humans by their faces. Plus, the facial expressions say a lot about one's intention, mood and personality. In other words, knowing someone's face comes very close to knowing someone in person. But even under the condition that people know my face, I don't have problems with every type of picture. Actually, it's only about photos or films showing me in an erotic vanilla context or as a bottom. I think that has something to do with the fact that in both contexts I feel more vulnerable and in danger of being “abused” than for example when publishing images showing me in a dominant pose.
Taking erotic vanilla or bottom scenarios, whom or what am I afraid of? First of all, I'm not afraid of any women finding the images arousing, no matter whether they are tops or bottoms, hetero- or homosexual. The explanation I have for that is that being a heterosexual I can't really imagine to be used or forced to something I don't want to do by other women. Of course only to project those fears on men is irrational, but it is the best way I can describe my feelings. Secondly, I'm not afraid of male bottoms using something I do as a bottom for their own fantasies. Why? I guess the answer is here that I expect them to mentally take my place when using a picture or clip for their sexual stimulation, so they just use it as a base for creating a fantasy of their own, they don't use me. Again, that's of course a highly speculative assumption.
So, it's about males in general and male tops (concerning the things I do as a bottom) using my pictures or clips for their sexual stimulation. The last part is very important, too. I'm not afraid of anyone looking at a picture or clip and just saying: “Wow, this is beautiful.” My fear is that someone uses or abuses me mentally. Which means first of all, I wouldn't have any problems with someone watching a picture or clip and maybe getting aroused by it, thinking: “It's cool to watch what that kinky couple, Ludwig and Kaelah, are doing there.” Because obviously that guy would just see himself as an observer and in his fantasies it would still be Ludwig and Kaelah doing things together. Interestingly, a group of viewers who wouldn't scare me, either, are those people who watch so much spanking porn that they can't remember the faces of the girls the next day. Even if someone like that would directly masturbate when watching the clip, focusing on the visual stimuli thinking about what he would like to do to that “deserving bitch” (I know I'm exaggerating!) it wouldn't be a problem. Because to that guy I wouldn't have any importance as a person, which makes me feel that this doesn't really have anything to do with me.
So, it comes down to the following: I'm obviously afraid that there might be males in general or male tops in particular who watch film clips or look at pictures showing me in a vulnerable position, placing themselves in the position of the top (or partner for vanilla sex), using the visual stimulus directly for the gratification of their sexual urges, imagining what they would do to me or with me if they got the chance. I'm not sure whether this makes any sense to the readers so far and I can only speculate on the source. What strikes me is how much the fears match my limits concerning spanking fantasies and vanilla sex. I would neither like to have vanilla sex with anyone else than my partner in the real world, nor would I like to play out any submissive spanking fantasies or fantasies with non-consensual storylines with someone else. I guess that's why I'm afraid of someone doing these things to me in their fantasies without me giving them the explicit permission, without me knowing about it and without me having any control about what is going on. Partly that kind of fear might have to do with a typical female streak, the fear of being hunted down and abused by the caveman next door?! Also highly speculative, but I somehow have the feeling that the kind of fears I describe come from somewhere deep inside me.
I know that this is a highly emotional and irrational thing and I hope not to insult someone by writing so openly about my fears. So, to make that absolutely clear: I don't condemn using spanking clips for one's arousal or sexual relief. I'm absolutely aware that masturbating isn't in any way bad or disrespectful. And I know that a man using a picture or clip in the way I've just described can be full of respect for the woman he uses for his fantasies and that he's usually absolutely aware of the difference between the fantasy he created in his head and the real person behind a picture or clip. I'm talking about a deep fear and I know that it might be based on prejudices of mine, wrong mental connections and personal experiences that aren't really connected to the situations in which the fear rises. I had such an experience last year. It's still difficult for me to talk or write about it, but I think it helps to explain the mental pictures I've got in my head when the fears about publishing pictures or clips rise.
It happened in a public bath I went to in order to get a nice complexion for Ludwig's and my first spanking clip, actually. I didn't want any bikini tan lines, so I went to a bath with a nudity area. I could only go there in the evening to catch the last remaining sunlight. Usually there wasn't much sun left and so I always lay down in the only sunny corner that was still left. There weren't many people in the nudity area, but some seemed to be there regularly, for example a nice elderly man whom I met every time I was there. We said hello and goodbye, but otherwise I was completely focused on getting an even complexion. As you can imagine that meant that I didn't really cover myself, but this was a nudity area for sunbathing, so what? Others wanted to get some sun, too. So one day I even shared my little sunny spot with another man who had asked me whether he could lie down next to me to get some sun. One day the sunlight went away so fast that I even got on the quadruped position for a minute to catch the last sunbeams. I pretended to have a hurting back to not make it look so silly. That day I stayed until closing time. When I got into my clothes again I realised that only the nice old man and I were left in the nudity area. I wanted to say goodbye when I suddenly saw that he was standing there, looking in my direction and masturbating! At first I thought I must have been mistaken. This couldn't be real! But it was. I was so shocked that I just muttered goodbye and left the nudity area as quick as possible without reacting to what I had just seen.
When I told my male friends about what happened of course everyone said that what the guy had done was wrong and that it wasn't my fault. But when I told them about having tried to catch some sun in the quadruped position they all smiled and said that this sight might of course lead a man to certain fantasies. That didn't excuse the guys behaviour, but still it made me feel very silly and somehow also guilty because I was so naïve not to think about the consequences of my behaviour. On a lighter note: It seems that I really animate males to do things like that. A baboon in the zoo some years ago did exactly the same thing, definitely fixating me with his eyes the whole time! Well, on the other hand that maybe just proves that only apes do things like that in front of a woman they don't know and who hasn't given them her permission.
What I'm afraid of now is to make the same mistake when publishing pictures and clips. My main drive to make pictures and clips is the creative work and my attempt to create something beautiful and erotic. I have to admit that I didn't think about someone using it directly for the gratification of their physical urges or that posting erotic pictures means that one implies that one wants to be used (or abused) in other people's fantasies. Now I think: What if I have been naïve concerning that topic, too? Ludwig is of the opinion that publishing erotic pictures or clips implies that one wants to arouse people, because this is what these kind of pictures or clips are usually made for. Given that premise it would be absolutely ridiculous to complain about people using the pictures or clips for a mindfuck (combined with getting some masturbatory relief).
Ludwig even is of the opinion that, if someone masturbated to one of our pictures or clips, it could be seen as a compliment! But still that thought gives me a very strange feeling. I never saw it to be made for that. I just wanted to create beautiful and aesthetic images that should give others impulses for their own fantasies. And when I got all those nice compliments on the blog that was exactly how it felt like. But recently I had a discussion with Ludwig in which he said that, while using erotic photos or films in any way one likes when being alone was perfectly okay from his point of view, it would of course be extremely rude to walk up to a spanking model and say: "Hey, I jerked off to one of your videos the other day!" That would be a violation of good manners even in a community that is as open about sexuality as ours. So, instead of mentioning one's masturbation sessions, one should just say that one is a fan or that one liked the artwork. Of course now I'm asking myself: What is the real message behind the comments one gets on pictures and clips (I guess it's usually just what the comment says... ;-) )?
However, I like to make pictures and creative clips. They are intended to be erotic and to make people fantasize. I'm not fond of the thought of people using them for mentally (ab)using me when watching them. But the mind is free and of course I won't tell people what to think. And I know that, even if someone uses the images in this way, that doesn't really threaten me because it is just a fantasy, not me. Still, the question I ask myself, is whether the act of publishing erotic photos and clips directly implies that I am and want to be available for (at least mental) (ab)use???
So, I would be very glad to read your thoughts on the topic! I am especially interested to hear the points of view of male tops and all those who are into spanking porn and images. I would also love to read the thoughts of those among you who watch spanking porn but don't live out their kink. How do you use spanking porn? What do you think about the models? Are they just eye candy, do you see them as the character they are playing or do you see the persons behind the clip? Are the clips triggering fantasies of your own or are you using them differently? What do you think when watching spanking porn? Of course I would also love to hear from women who have decided pro or against publishing pictures and clips!
Thanks a lot for bearing with me through a long and maybe somewhat confused blog post. I hope I haven't offended anyone. And sorry for the very personal questions this time, but maybe some of you are willing to share some thoughts about this.
But still, there are certain fears going along with publishing erotic pictures and clips, and limits I don't overstep. Although I've been completely naked on some of the pictures I posted, you won't find any photos of me including any frontal nudity. And I only publish pictures and clips I'm completely happy with. The reason for me being that careful has of course to do with my desire to look beautiful and certain insecurities about my looks. But there's more to it than that.
In the comment section on the Waving Flag post Val wrote: ”[...] for me, sharing images and stories of my play and of my partner is the same with letting others touch, or let myself be touched in person [...]“. The feeling that having pictures and films of me gives others power over me and my body is exactly what scares me, too. I know rationally that this is of course nonsense, there is nothing like vodoo and pictures or films showing me aren't me! But in my feelings they seem to come close. And there's a difference between showing pictures or films to someone or posting them on the internet which makes the whole thing even scarier: When you show pictures to someone and suddenly realise that you don't feel comfortable with it any more, you can simply close your album and the only remaining thing is the usually quickly fading memory of the person who has seen the evidence. Once you've published something on the net you can't take it back. People can copy it, save it on their hard disk, send it to whomever they want, print it and do whatever they like with it. There's no way back!
To find out what's really behind my fears I asked myself under which conditions they appear and under which conditions I don't have or hypothetically wouldn't have a strange gut feel. First of all, the fears only appear in the context of people knowing my face. I guess that has to do with the fact that humans usually distinguish other humans by their faces. Plus, the facial expressions say a lot about one's intention, mood and personality. In other words, knowing someone's face comes very close to knowing someone in person. But even under the condition that people know my face, I don't have problems with every type of picture. Actually, it's only about photos or films showing me in an erotic vanilla context or as a bottom. I think that has something to do with the fact that in both contexts I feel more vulnerable and in danger of being “abused” than for example when publishing images showing me in a dominant pose.
Taking erotic vanilla or bottom scenarios, whom or what am I afraid of? First of all, I'm not afraid of any women finding the images arousing, no matter whether they are tops or bottoms, hetero- or homosexual. The explanation I have for that is that being a heterosexual I can't really imagine to be used or forced to something I don't want to do by other women. Of course only to project those fears on men is irrational, but it is the best way I can describe my feelings. Secondly, I'm not afraid of male bottoms using something I do as a bottom for their own fantasies. Why? I guess the answer is here that I expect them to mentally take my place when using a picture or clip for their sexual stimulation, so they just use it as a base for creating a fantasy of their own, they don't use me. Again, that's of course a highly speculative assumption.
So, it's about males in general and male tops (concerning the things I do as a bottom) using my pictures or clips for their sexual stimulation. The last part is very important, too. I'm not afraid of anyone looking at a picture or clip and just saying: “Wow, this is beautiful.” My fear is that someone uses or abuses me mentally. Which means first of all, I wouldn't have any problems with someone watching a picture or clip and maybe getting aroused by it, thinking: “It's cool to watch what that kinky couple, Ludwig and Kaelah, are doing there.” Because obviously that guy would just see himself as an observer and in his fantasies it would still be Ludwig and Kaelah doing things together. Interestingly, a group of viewers who wouldn't scare me, either, are those people who watch so much spanking porn that they can't remember the faces of the girls the next day. Even if someone like that would directly masturbate when watching the clip, focusing on the visual stimuli thinking about what he would like to do to that “deserving bitch” (I know I'm exaggerating!) it wouldn't be a problem. Because to that guy I wouldn't have any importance as a person, which makes me feel that this doesn't really have anything to do with me.
So, it comes down to the following: I'm obviously afraid that there might be males in general or male tops in particular who watch film clips or look at pictures showing me in a vulnerable position, placing themselves in the position of the top (or partner for vanilla sex), using the visual stimulus directly for the gratification of their sexual urges, imagining what they would do to me or with me if they got the chance. I'm not sure whether this makes any sense to the readers so far and I can only speculate on the source. What strikes me is how much the fears match my limits concerning spanking fantasies and vanilla sex. I would neither like to have vanilla sex with anyone else than my partner in the real world, nor would I like to play out any submissive spanking fantasies or fantasies with non-consensual storylines with someone else. I guess that's why I'm afraid of someone doing these things to me in their fantasies without me giving them the explicit permission, without me knowing about it and without me having any control about what is going on. Partly that kind of fear might have to do with a typical female streak, the fear of being hunted down and abused by the caveman next door?! Also highly speculative, but I somehow have the feeling that the kind of fears I describe come from somewhere deep inside me.
I know that this is a highly emotional and irrational thing and I hope not to insult someone by writing so openly about my fears. So, to make that absolutely clear: I don't condemn using spanking clips for one's arousal or sexual relief. I'm absolutely aware that masturbating isn't in any way bad or disrespectful. And I know that a man using a picture or clip in the way I've just described can be full of respect for the woman he uses for his fantasies and that he's usually absolutely aware of the difference between the fantasy he created in his head and the real person behind a picture or clip. I'm talking about a deep fear and I know that it might be based on prejudices of mine, wrong mental connections and personal experiences that aren't really connected to the situations in which the fear rises. I had such an experience last year. It's still difficult for me to talk or write about it, but I think it helps to explain the mental pictures I've got in my head when the fears about publishing pictures or clips rise.
It happened in a public bath I went to in order to get a nice complexion for Ludwig's and my first spanking clip, actually. I didn't want any bikini tan lines, so I went to a bath with a nudity area. I could only go there in the evening to catch the last remaining sunlight. Usually there wasn't much sun left and so I always lay down in the only sunny corner that was still left. There weren't many people in the nudity area, but some seemed to be there regularly, for example a nice elderly man whom I met every time I was there. We said hello and goodbye, but otherwise I was completely focused on getting an even complexion. As you can imagine that meant that I didn't really cover myself, but this was a nudity area for sunbathing, so what? Others wanted to get some sun, too. So one day I even shared my little sunny spot with another man who had asked me whether he could lie down next to me to get some sun. One day the sunlight went away so fast that I even got on the quadruped position for a minute to catch the last sunbeams. I pretended to have a hurting back to not make it look so silly. That day I stayed until closing time. When I got into my clothes again I realised that only the nice old man and I were left in the nudity area. I wanted to say goodbye when I suddenly saw that he was standing there, looking in my direction and masturbating! At first I thought I must have been mistaken. This couldn't be real! But it was. I was so shocked that I just muttered goodbye and left the nudity area as quick as possible without reacting to what I had just seen.
When I told my male friends about what happened of course everyone said that what the guy had done was wrong and that it wasn't my fault. But when I told them about having tried to catch some sun in the quadruped position they all smiled and said that this sight might of course lead a man to certain fantasies. That didn't excuse the guys behaviour, but still it made me feel very silly and somehow also guilty because I was so naïve not to think about the consequences of my behaviour. On a lighter note: It seems that I really animate males to do things like that. A baboon in the zoo some years ago did exactly the same thing, definitely fixating me with his eyes the whole time! Well, on the other hand that maybe just proves that only apes do things like that in front of a woman they don't know and who hasn't given them her permission.
What I'm afraid of now is to make the same mistake when publishing pictures and clips. My main drive to make pictures and clips is the creative work and my attempt to create something beautiful and erotic. I have to admit that I didn't think about someone using it directly for the gratification of their physical urges or that posting erotic pictures means that one implies that one wants to be used (or abused) in other people's fantasies. Now I think: What if I have been naïve concerning that topic, too? Ludwig is of the opinion that publishing erotic pictures or clips implies that one wants to arouse people, because this is what these kind of pictures or clips are usually made for. Given that premise it would be absolutely ridiculous to complain about people using the pictures or clips for a mindfuck (combined with getting some masturbatory relief).
Ludwig even is of the opinion that, if someone masturbated to one of our pictures or clips, it could be seen as a compliment! But still that thought gives me a very strange feeling. I never saw it to be made for that. I just wanted to create beautiful and aesthetic images that should give others impulses for their own fantasies. And when I got all those nice compliments on the blog that was exactly how it felt like. But recently I had a discussion with Ludwig in which he said that, while using erotic photos or films in any way one likes when being alone was perfectly okay from his point of view, it would of course be extremely rude to walk up to a spanking model and say: "Hey, I jerked off to one of your videos the other day!" That would be a violation of good manners even in a community that is as open about sexuality as ours. So, instead of mentioning one's masturbation sessions, one should just say that one is a fan or that one liked the artwork. Of course now I'm asking myself: What is the real message behind the comments one gets on pictures and clips (I guess it's usually just what the comment says... ;-) )?
However, I like to make pictures and creative clips. They are intended to be erotic and to make people fantasize. I'm not fond of the thought of people using them for mentally (ab)using me when watching them. But the mind is free and of course I won't tell people what to think. And I know that, even if someone uses the images in this way, that doesn't really threaten me because it is just a fantasy, not me. Still, the question I ask myself, is whether the act of publishing erotic photos and clips directly implies that I am and want to be available for (at least mental) (ab)use???
So, I would be very glad to read your thoughts on the topic! I am especially interested to hear the points of view of male tops and all those who are into spanking porn and images. I would also love to read the thoughts of those among you who watch spanking porn but don't live out their kink. How do you use spanking porn? What do you think about the models? Are they just eye candy, do you see them as the character they are playing or do you see the persons behind the clip? Are the clips triggering fantasies of your own or are you using them differently? What do you think when watching spanking porn? Of course I would also love to hear from women who have decided pro or against publishing pictures and clips!
Thanks a lot for bearing with me through a long and maybe somewhat confused blog post. I hope I haven't offended anyone. And sorry for the very personal questions this time, but maybe some of you are willing to share some thoughts about this.
12 comments:
Section One.
How do you begin to answer such questions? To give the full view as your thoughtful post deserves, one is tempted to “start from the beginning,” but then would never finish because of getting into the whole causality of spanking, accepting the fetish and to what degree it associates with and dissolves into vanilla, qualifying the top/bottom/switch definitions, what is the use of nude and fetish imagery, the degree of good that it produces for you, how it affects and manages relationships, the list goes on.
So about the creation, distribution, purpose, and effect of spanking images – the imagery and its effects only go as far as they can match your fantasy. How you respond to them depends on how willing and capable you are to follow such fantasy and make it real. After all this is very human, to try to implement your dreams.
First, the part of matching the fantasy, part A: imagine your topmost favorite fantasy person; fully and normally dressed, nothing outwardly calling on kink or anything that would give you a tickle – just there, plain and simple, nothing but that person just standing there, looking you in the eye, and speaking to you, and their voice engulfs you. All the while holding and flexing a rattan cane in their hands, expertly, even swish it in the air once or twice. And then would leave the room, just like that. Nothing like telling you to drop your pants and bend over, time for your caning. Nope, just showing up simply, displaying an item specifically tied to your fetish (assuming that yours involves a cane, trousers down, and swishes through the air), what sort of feeling does that produce for you? Is it arousing, indifferent, annoying? Fantasy part B: this time you see somebody else’s fantasy, which has all the elements that you like to think of and enjoy: a naked body showing those physical features that are most agreeable to you, the body presented explicitly for whipping. You don’t know whether it’s for play, punishment, modeling, acting – just there, look at it, contemplate, enjoy, even see it as it begins to respond to the whipping. What sort of feeling does that produce for you? Is it arousing, indifferent, annoying?
For my experiences, part A is hands-down arousing, 100% so, takes the cake any time. Part B would be 40% indifferent, with the balance undecided but arousing more often then not. Conclusion here is that the scene must resonate to your hottest buttons. Of course, there is the other aspect of technical artifacts, such as whether you like to see the details of marks, skin and hair, tears, and so on, and all other such detail. For example of such detail: In a Lupus movie featuring well known and respected personalities, there was the scene where Adele Haze has this whip applied to her – the whip said to be a bull’s pizzle. As user, of course I wanted to see details of such instrument, and I would still want to today, to know how different it is from a supposed equivalent which I have recently acquired through Internet commerce. There is something new to learn all the time.
Section Two
Second, the part of willingness in implementing your fantasy, and how does that affect your reaction to the medium. For me, the interpretation here lies in how well you balance your own voyeurism and exhibitionism, of course in the context of participation in the spanko scene. From my experiences, this is not easy to do. For a long time, I was attracted to watching – pictures, clips, other people playing at a party or show of some sort. (By the way, if you can, try not to miss the Folsom Street Fair, see it at least once.) Then, it came to letting myself be seen by others in my bottom posture, and then this was not too bad. In time, I even liked it and sought it, and attributed the good feeling to my less and less inhibited exhibitionism, but also to the encouragements of those around me who seemed to like watching too. However, I have found that I could not let others watch me as a top. I thought this because I did not have enough strong responsibility for the well being of my bottom, inasmuch as I had to expose this interaction to others. So overall this had to do with feeling that exposing yourself in whichever way (live, pictures, clips), actually delivers you into the hands of the audience, and this is some control I find not easy to give up. So in yoru mind you must decide whether you care if the audience decides to cherish or thrash the image that you have built for them.
So, kind of rambling already. Watching media interests me in measure that I can recognize that feeling of the scene where it starts matching my own fantasy. See for example your post of the witching hour and the flogger at the ruins – oh my, outstanding piece! Inspired me to plan my own little escapade, I think that it will be successful. I do misspend time surfing the spank net, most of the time looking for something “exciting” of which sometimes you find more of, sometimes it is hiding from you. Not long ago, having lunch in Denver restaurant (Colorado, USA), I thought the waitress looked familiar. I could have sworj that she looked familiar as one of the former models at AEG. (Yes, don’t laugh, I do look at their faces too, not only bottoms!) So I took a picture and then compared the waitress’ portrait with that of RS models. And no, there was no match that I could tell, and the story here is this: once you got it and acknowledged it, you cannot separate spanking subjects from your life anymore, so you’d be a fool to diss the imagery that keeps the fire of imagination going!
I do not see the imagery as degrading or making the subjects into lesser persons. The only exceptions being in those cases where I wonder what were some producers thinking when they came up with the lame story, patty-cake play, and clearly uninterested models. Otherwise, Hail to the original, made with passion, real living imagery. Thank you for creating and sharing them with us.
By the way, the image you chose to illustrate the beginning of your post is a bit unsettling - joyful or hurt?
Wow. This is an amazingly thoughtful, thorough post and I am full of admiration for your ruthlessness in understanding (and ideally controlling) your own feelings. It's something I empathise with, as I approach my own (often overly intense!) emotions in a similar way.
Firstly, I think that boundaries are 100% personal, and sometimes a boundary is a boundary. It doesn't always have to be questioned and queried and analysed. Yes, if you're trying to gain some control and understanding of your emotional landscape then analysis and deconstruction are part of the process, but I think there's a point beyond which it ceases to be helpful.
For instance, I'm happy making porn and being hired to perform in spanking and CP scenarios, and I'm happy to be spanked by the pros who are hired as tops without having to have a personal connection with that person - I only work with producers I trust to hire tops who will be professional. I'm not comfortable doing personal sessions or shoots where the 'customer' is paying to spank me; where the transaction is direct between the end-user (i.e. the person getting off) and me. In spanking porn, that transaction is indirect - I make a direct transaction with the producer, and if they are hiring me because it gets them off, rather than because they think I'll help them create a good product, then they're doing it wrong.
Now, I could try to deconstruct this boundary and wonder if it is irrational or a post-traumatic symptom and try and override it with "good sense". Or I could accept that that's where my boundary is, and that's okay, and I don't need to worry about it.
I really respect the thoroughness with which you deconstruct your own responses, but I worry that acceptance of your boundaries - which is necessary, I think, for a healthy attitude to sex - is missing from your process? Feel free to ignore this, I'm only speculating and I'm sure you know your own mind better than me!
For what it's worth, I don't think it's particularly sensible to feel that because two males have masturbated in your presence, something about you specifically triggers it. I think it says more about our culture and the way that (many) men grow up not feeling the need respect the preferences and boundaries of women they sexually fantasise about. It is a problem with our society, not a problem with you.
I wrote a long answer to your questions, but it's too long to post here - I'll have to put it on my blog instead! thanks for the fascinating post, and the food for thought :)
My answers to your (excellent) questions!
http://pandorablake.blogspot.com/2010/08/motivation-of-model.html?showComment=1280945863031
I am a so called end user. I think what the man did, has no conection to your spanking pictures or clips (i would like to see one where is it possible). I think the old man was masturbating because there was no one else in the bath. He would have done it in front of any other girl beeing alone in the bath.
I agree to Ludwig: see it as a compliment.
I am an enduser as i said, i adore the spanking models - Pandora, Adele, Amelia Jane Rutherford,... They are the best actresses in the world. They do a good job. There is no stuntgirl and a scene can´t be done ten or more times (no one can bear 1000 strokes. If i would meet you accidental, i would never say:" say: "Hey, I jerked off to one of your videos the other day!" Maybe i would say "Hello" and walk away
Kaelah, the depth of analysis in this blog and in the comments by Pandora and others that it has already provoked does you great credit but I wonder whether it begins to approach the limits of comprehension. Does it not boil down in large measure to a matter of mutual respect ? Where top and bottom each respect the other, as any civilised persons normally would, then much else will follow - concern for the other's satisfaction for instance. Shallow insults such as those you quote are probably superficial wank material although deplorable nonetheless. Any civilised top will find vastly greater stimulation in the beauty of the clips and images you create in the context of whipping, which is where clothing plays a role. But I won't start on that subject !
Peter
@ Val:
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful and detailed comment! I think you are right, whether one is turned on by a spanking picture or clip always has to do with one's fantasies. So it is actually always about the fantasy of the viewer and about how much the scene presented in a picture or clip fits to it. It's nice to hear that my little story about kings and witches inspired one of the scenarios you're planning to do. That's exactly one of the main reasons for me to write stories on the blog and to publish pictures and (soon) clips. I wish you a lot of fun!
I don't think that I'm worried about the fact that people won't like the stories I tell. Of course it would make me sad, but it is not the fear I have. I think what I'm afraid of is that people might misinterpret one of my stories thinking that I really like being (ab)used by someone I don't even know. I think that the chance for that is quite low, though, Everyone who reads my posts knows about the scenarios that turn me on and about my limits, too! And the ones who don't read my posts don't know much about me, anyway. So it doesn't really matter what they think of me when looking at one of my pictures or watching a clip I'm participating in.
It's very interesting that you have got problems with others watching you as a top. I've only got problems with scenes showing me in a vulnerable position, being afraid that people might use them in a way I wouldn't feel comfortable with if I knew about it.
@ Anonymous:
Thank you so much for writing such an open comment! It's very interesting to read the thoughts of an "end user" of spanking porn. You're definitely right, the guy who masturbated in front of me definitely didn't do it because of any pictures or clips, I'm sure he had only seen me in the bath and didn't know about about my pictures on the net. And to make that absolutely clear: I neither think that anyone who has seen my pics on the net or maybe a clip will masturbate in front of me when meeting me, nor do I condemn masturbation as such. As a matter of fact like Pandora wrote in her post it's something wonderful and precious. And your comment strengthened my belief that those who are watching spanking clips don't dehumanize the models or think that they are available for any kind of (ab)use in real life. So, again, thank you very much for writing a comment on such a personal topic. Ludwig is currently cutting my fist clip with him and it should be released very soon. It's "just" an OTK handspanking , but we invested very much time and effort in creating some aesthetic pictures and I hope you're going to like it.
@ Peter:
I think you're right, it's all about mutual respect. And from the comments I've read so far, there seems to be a lot of respect for the spanking models and all those publishing pictures and clips. So my fear of animating people to be disrespectful or to so things with me in their heads I wouldn't be comfortable with seems to be rather unfounded – which is a good thing and very comforting! :-)
@ Pandora:
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful comment and for even writing your own post on the topic. I guess on your blog even more people might write about their points of view and I'm really interested in reading what others think about it. I'm sure you're absolutely right about the different kind of boundaries and about the fact that they cannot always be explained rationally and aren't necessarily consistent. And don't worry, I'm taking my limits concerning frontal nudity and private play with others seriously and I accept them.
But the pictures and the clips are something different. Since I'm in a relationship with Ludwig, I have to make my decisions also considering his needs and dreams. When we became a couple, there were already some facts I had to cope with: Ludwig had posted pictures showing him and he had made spanking clips and films. I don't know whether I would ever have considered publishing any spanking pictures showing my face without that given condition. But under the given circumstances remaining Ludwig's faceless girlfriend would have been much worse than the fears that go along with publishing pictures. And in addition to that I found out that I liked making aesthetic pictures, so there was another thing that spoke in favour of publishing pictures. I think I'm much more into shooting photos than Ludwig, actually.
Concerning the clips and films there would have been three different possible solutions: Number one was not to join in and to let Ludwig make spanking clips and films only with others. That would have been the worst solution from my point of view, because having to watch Ludwig doing such sex-related public things only with others would have hurt me more than I would have been able to bear. Number two was to ask Ludwig to stop making spanking clips and films. Actually, that's what I did some time ago, after having tried to accept his hobby for a long time but having had to realise that I couldn't take it. Ludwig agreed to give it up for me, but it was obvious that it made him sad and that I was taking something important away from him. So, after having become a bit more self-confident, I asked myself again a while ago, whether I couldn't join in so that Ludwig could at least do some of the film projects that are important to him. The increase of my self-confidence and the incredibly strong trust in the strength and specialty of Ludwig's and my relationship I have developed during the last 1 ½ years, made the idea of making clips not only with him but also with the two of us and others much more attractive for me, too. There are so many wonderful fantasies one can bring to life for the audience! And being creative with others is a lot of fun, too! And so I decided to give it a try. But the fears going along with it aren't completely gone and that's why I wrote this post in order to understand my fears better and to see whether they are based on a real thread or whether they just exist in my mind and will fade once I try it out. So, I think I respect my limits, but of course I also don't want the fears I sometimes have to keep me away from things that could be a great experience!
One last comment: Saying that I might provoke men to masturbate in front of me was just a sarcastic joke! Oh, and the second “guy” really wasn't a man but a baboon in a zoo! In that case I found the situation rather funny and not shocking, because I don't expect a baboon to know that one shouldn't do that in front of a woman! ;-)
I can assure you there is not secret message, when I tell you I like your pictures. I really like them as nice erotic pictures.
Also I agree with Ludwig, I think it IS a compliment if somebody includes you in their fantasy. I must admit the pictures in your post "To Everything There Is A Season", did initiate some top fantasies.
I don't see a problem with it though. I can differ between fantasy and real world. I like fantasies of a 16 year old being spanked but can not agree with such things in the real world.
Your pictures allowed me to have a nice fantasy, I did not masturbate though. I often play spanking fantasies in my head without having the urge to relieve myself. Also when I play with a bottom in real, I get aroused most of the times but I don't need masturbate. I enjoy the play as spanking play.
But I guess most important is, you publish only pictures or videos you feel comfortable with. Don't think about what your readers would like to see, it does not really matter. If you like your pictures, the reader will. I do anyway. And you won't be able to stop me having fantasies if your pictures activate them. Yes, this is a compliment! Really.
@ Val:
What I forgot to mention: The picture is the result of an experiment of my friend Eileen. I was supposed to look scared on the photo, but I had to laugh. That's why the picture is a strange mixture and I think that fits quite well to the ambiguity of the post.
@ Ursus:
Don't worry, I see it as a compliment! And I also would see it like that if you did masturbate. Just to make that absolutely clear: Like Pandora wrote in her post solo sex is something wonderful and being inspired by someone or including that person in one's fantasies isn't disrespectful at all. I think my fear is that someone who doesn't really separate fantasy from reality might (ab)use me mentally thinking that I would really enjoy being (ab)used by a stranger for real or that I'm a woman who is somehow available. I guess that fear isn't really founded and most of the people (like you) can distinguish very well between fantasy and reality. And you're right, I think only publishing the pictures and stories I feel comfortable with is a good protection and the right way to deal with my fears.
Just a clarification in light of the anonymous comment above. I think it is quite clear from what Kaelah wrote in the original post, but the commenter seems to have misunderstood it.
I did not say that Kaelah should "just take as a compliment" the man who masturbated in front of her in the bath. What that guy did was appalling and extremely rude. Had I been around somewhere that day, I would have slapped him in the face (he can happily sue me if he likes, I would have sued him back for indecent exposure).
My remark that masturbation can be taken as a compliment applies only to viewers of pictures or clips who do that in the privacy of their own homes. Not to morons who expose themselves in front of women, obviously.
Kaelah, what penetrating questions you've asked. But I'll try to be truthful and objective. Writing first as a top, clips of a girl being caned or whipped stimulate without any recognition of the model but with a strong appreciation of her acting. It is the authenticity of the scene, the evocative sounds of the implement cutting the air and striking satin or soft flesh that excites. The model makes the scene by her reactions but her identity only affects me if it stirs up memories.
Secondly, I find abusive remarks such as those you quote to be totally off-putting. I respect my playmates.
To me, the more beautiful the "bottom", her dress, demeanour, and the sounds she makes before, during and after the action, the more desirable she is sexually, whether I know her name or not.
And successful masturbation by top or voyeur, as Ludwig says, should logically be recognised as a compliment, however distasteful it may seem at the time.
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